Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #633 | Turner Sparks, Andrea Jones-Rooy, & Gus Tate

Episode Date: April 16, 2026

Turner Sparks, Andrea Jones-Rooy, & Gus Tate join the pod to talk about how they started a comedy scene in china Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/YKWD Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day. Where it all started before fun and crazy. This isn't NPR. That's the podcast. Hey, what's up, everybody. It's Robert Kelly and YKWD.

You know what dude, one of the longest. running podcasts on the East Coast live at the comedy seller above the comedy cell suitors above the world famous comedy seller. And yeah, we're back. We're here every Tuesday at the same time, pretty much live. So, but if you're going on YouTube, make sure you subscribe, hit that like button, get in the comments, do all that stuff. Don't not do it.

Fucking do it. Because I need to get 100,000 followers because I want a plaque. They used to give them at like a thousand. and then there was 50 and now it's a hot just keep it's like my career just right out of grasp

right when I think I got it it's gone like the ring like the Hobbit ring I don't know where I'm going with this Is this a YouTube plaque you're talking about? This is don't talk I don't talk Danny we got to

I mean this is going to be a weird show for me usually we do a show and it's you know one person I don't know or you know one I do I know none of these people None of them. Joe, turn my mic up a little.

Maybe it's my headphones. Sorry. You put my headphone thing over there. No, I'm fine. I know nobody here. We're all best friends. Yeah, I'm not with any. This is an unfair advantage. Yeah, we'll take over your shit. We have questions for you, actually. That'd be great. Just fucking interview me, man.

Explain yourself. Danny, who do we got on the show tonight? We have Turner Sparks, Gus Tate, and Andrea Jones-Roy. And you guys are all comics. stand-up comedians. You don't have to sound so questioning. Well, here's why. Well, because you...

Making more clear, you have no idea. You've never heard of us. Well, here's the thing. That means nothing for me. You know what I mean? That means nothing for me. I know seven people in this business. Well, now you know 10.

Well, I mean, let's see where it goes. It might be eight. Okay, great. No. You guys started comedy in another country. Yeah, in China. Yeah. All right, shush.

We don't say it like that. We say China. You started comedy in China. Which you can tell from our ethnic background. It's obviously. The whitest people I've ever seen in my life. I mean, I walked in, I thought it was an improv group from the East Village. You guys, why were you in China?

Families, fathers in the military, just didn't have a shot in New York. There you go. You were like, fuck it. Let's go to China. Well, we went separate times. You were probably there the longest, right? Yeah, I moved there in 2000. For what?

Because it was after, I graduated college, and I'm like, I don't want, there was this thing where you can either get a job or just move abroad and teach English. Right. So I did that. So you went to China to teach English? Yeah, I was going to say one year. But you had to know Mandarin? No. You don't have to need.

Nothing. Nothing. The pitch was, come here and you'll make a living with, you make like a thousand bucks a month, but you only spend like 300 or something. And then you can, we'll hire you the minute you step off the plane because you're a white guy. Why do you only spend $300? Everything was cheap. Everything was cheap? It was an incredibly cheap place to be back then.

I don't know if it was cheap now, but it was cheap. Where did you go first? Did you go? I went to Sousia. Hang on one second. Women, I asked the question. Listen, I don't know how it is in China. Welcome to your show.

I don't know if you've been to America in a while. No. No, I'm kidding. It was a good question. Ask it again. Yeah, yeah. So no, it was, yeah, so that was the pitch. All these people I knew were doing stuff like that.

I was either going to go Vietnam, Japan, China. And I was like, why don't I just, if I could learn Chinese, that seems more important than Vietnamese. For being a spy? At a certain time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, you could do that. You could do whatever.

And what brought you to China? I went later. I went in 2013. I was a professor of political science. Sounds fun. Yeah, it was very fun. And I was at Carnegie Mellon and I wanted to come to NYU. Right.

And NYU wasn't hiring, but they called and said, we are opening a campus in Shanghai if you'd like to go there instead. And I study Chinese media. And so I said, all right, and I hadn't done any stand-up or anything by that point. I just moved for job reasons, similar to Turner, because I needed a job, and they paid our rent, and they flew over there, and you know, okay. Holy shit. And what about you, Mr. Quiet? Yeah. I did study Chinese in college.

You studied Chinese in college. Princeton. Princeton. And why did you study Chinese for what? I don't know. Just for fun. I thought it was. But it's a hard language.

It is. It was a fun language, though, because everything's different. It's not like French where, like, something. are the same. And you're like, yeah, I kind of got that one. Right. And Chinese, everything is different. It wasn't very fun for me. Yeah. It was impossible. I was learning in like a bar from just Chinese, drunk Chinese guys. And I was like picking up words here

and there. Just hooking up with dudes. I didn't, I didn't study at all in college. So I just got, yeah, no, my wife's Chinese. Oh, no, I said you were hooking up with dudes. Oh, dude. Yeah, whatever, you know. I can't get any of these guys to suck my dick. Yeah, it was a progressive time to be. That's a progressive time. That's Japanese. I suck. I like how the racist exit, you almost wouldn't do, you're like, that's not even the right one.

That's not the right one. If I did the right one, it would have been a real racist. Yeah, that's right. That's the trick to do racist accents. You had to do the wrong one. As you did. Everyone's cool with it. Yeah.

No, that's crazy. So you went over there, you don't know Chinese. You knew. So you walked over there as a breeze. Genius. You could just get dumplings and noodles and talk to everybody, get a house, nothing. Something like that, yeah.

Wow. No, no. I mean. Not a house. No, no, no, it was fine. I mean... You get an apartment. No, I mean, either.

Oh, sorry. No, no, no, no. Well, the funny thing is you're not supposed to speak Chinese during the job. Like, the job is to teach English. Right. They actually don't want you to speak Chinese. Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, that you want... Yeah.

They would suck for them. Yeah, they just want you to talk English to their kids. But basically, I did the same thing that Turner. I taught English at a high school. Okay, so you guys were all teaching it when you... Are you teaching it, too? I was teaching political science in English, but I studied Chinese in college as well. She was teaching at NYU.

At NYU. So you guys are all highly intelligent. I think just don't have friends. I just don't have any friends. You have no friends? No. I mean, these two. I had to go all the way to China, but that's it.

So you guys are just smart as shit. Unemployed in the United States. Had no direction after college. Yeah. Which is nuts to me. Which part of that? Going to. Because I'm telling my kid now.

I have a 12-year-old. He's like, you know, go to college. I'm like, dude, you don't have to go to college. No. You don't have to go to college. Please don't go to college if you don't want to. I've given out college degrees. They are not worth it.

Yeah. Yeah. I haven't used my degree one day in my life. It's all bullshit. Journalism major. I'm like teaching English to five-year-olds in China. You don't have to be a genius, by the way. You're a journalism major,

college grad, speak Chinese, went to China. And you're hanging out with a hump like me. Yeah, buddy. It did nothing for you. It did nothing. It did nothing. I did computer science. And I was the only person in my,

a graduating class that didn't go work at Google or Yahoo or whatever. Now do you think... And now they're jealous now, aren't they? They sure are. Now, you're out there. Do you guys meet out there first, or do you meet... We met out there. We met out there.

Through comedy? Yeah. Okay, so what is the comedy club? I would imagine that in communist China, because it is a communist country, you can't say certain things or do certain things. Yeah. Or you will be, what's the word? Murdered?

No. Beaten? No. be arrested, right? Yeah, you just have to we just, so I started a club in 2009. What was the club name? Please tell me it's a funny name. Are you ready? You're going to like it. Kung Fu Comedy Club. You piece of shit.

Comedy with a K. Can I tell you the real story, though? Kung Fu comedy was a brand, it was what they called the movies, like the Kung Fu. It's not a form of art. It's actually just the movies. In the 70s, 80s, 60s. We made it that. Chinese movies, no, the Chinese produced Chinese

language movies out there. They're Hollywood. They called it Kung Fu Comedy. The genre comedies. We named our club after them. Well, what you said is interesting. People think Kung Fu is a martial art. It's not. It's just an expert. It's an expert in a martial art, right? And... Well, do they have Kung Fu tea? Yeah. Is it like the foo of Shufu?

Yeah, I think so. Well, it's like skill. Oh, okay. Excellent. First of all, you know I know what the fuck that means. We're going to talk about him in Chinese. I need you to dumb it down a little bit. Is that like the Shoo and Fah Shoo? That was pretty good pronunciation, actually. Oh, hey. That's Japanese.

That was also Japanese. Sorry. So it can mean karate chopping somebody, or it can mean just being an answer. Well, most people think that Kung Fu is a style of martial. It's not. It's just the name. It means master. It means good at or the best at, right?

Or something like that. As far as I know. I didn't know. Shurfu means that. Yeah, Shurfu means that. You would say that to like if someone is driving your car. I'm going to say, sure, food. I'm going to say yes because apparently you know comedy.

They're still in fucking intellect mode. These children. So can I? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Go. There's a button on the very end of this, but maybe I'll say it for later. But anyway, eventually, we sold the club years later, the comedy club to Live Nation.

Okay, but one second. So let's back on time. Yeah, you skipped a lot. You skipped a lot. You're out there. You got all these degrees. You're teaching stuff. You're trying to, and you're living in China.

Yeah. Okay. And then you say, I want to start. How did you do comedy first at clubs around there? There was no. That was the whole thing. Do you know a guy named Richard Robertson? Yeah, of course.

Rich is a good friend of mine. Do you know who he's? He'd take you out there? Let me. You chop stinks. Listen, fucking, this is not Jeopardy, and I know you've always wanted to be on, but you're not. He was my childhood friend.

We grew up on the same block, 30 Johnson Ave, my grandmother, his family, back in the day, Irish Catholic neighborhood in Boston, everybody had fucking eight kids or whatever. His father, one of the funniest human beings to walk the earth, made donuts, but always, anytime you saw his father, Dick Robinson, boy, let me tell you a joke.

He'd always have jokes. One of the funniest motherfuckers ever, as I was growing up, to hang out with his father, to go see his father at the donut shop, but he'll go over the Robinson's house. They were the funniest people on the block because he was just always making you laugh.

That's all he gave a fuck about. So later in life, me and Richard grew up, I find out that Richard, this kid, is much like you guys, says, I don't know what to do, goes to Africa and goes, I want to take a bike from the top to the bottom. Rides a bicycle through Africa.

Yeah. Has to change the bike because it gets stolen because it's Africa. And, you know, he riding through the fucking Saragetty has to, you know, you know, jaguars and all that shit. I'm like this, to me, you know, growing up in Boston, I was kind of a punk, had a fucked up life. But I'm seeing this kid and I'm hearing all the news from Dick about Richard. He's so proud of his kid.

And he's like, oh, he's in Africa. I'm like, what? Like it doesn't make sense to me. Because Americans, we don't do that shit. That's like a European thing. That's like some, you have to have an accent to do that shit. And he did it. And then I find out he goes to China.

Yeah. And he's in China. And then I stopped my comedy career later. I'm in New York doing comedy. I got a call from Dick Dorety, one of the local guys from Boston. Love the guy. He's passed away. God bless his soul.

But he's just a piece of shit. Would just rob you. So he calls me at Bobby, I got a gig in China for you. I'm like, we're China. He doesn't know that I know Richard. He doesn't know that I know that I know. So I know the whole gig. I know what it is, but I'm too dirty to go at that point.

I'm just disgusting. And Richard was like, I'd love to bring you, but I can't because you're too fucking disgusting. Yeah. I get it. I'm cool with that. And he's like, I got a gig. $500. First class hotel business class out there.

But I know it's $2,500 plus business. Yeah. Plus first. He was taking $2,000 and trying to give me $500. And I was going to be like, yeah, fucking China. Yeah, right. And I go, I'll call you back. Never called him back.

He's dead now. God bless. But I immediately call Rich. I'm like, dude, he goes, no, it's this much money. Yeah, right? You can't come. Rich started when I met him through comedy, but he then advised me on business. I got into other business stuff out there.

He's the smartest people I know. When I met him, he had just started the Chinese version of Facebook. And he had just sold it. Yeah. So he was basically retired. What was it called? At like 42 years old. Ren, Ren, Ren.

It was called... Ren, Ren, Ren. That means people, people, people plural. They know the, they know the thing. He was so, first of all, as three comedians, when she said, what did they call it? 19 jokes. Yeah.

Popped into my head. And you guys picked, you told me the real fun. Yeah. Hey, Bobby, what did they call it? They're called, oh, fuck, ice book. Oh, boy. A race book. let's try you get hey turner what do they call it um they call it

i don't know man fuck me jesus mao's little red book uh friday friday friday rice no jesus well now they do have hongshu they do have red book excited about that that's like the chinese wait what is that the tic tic tini has to ruin the ticot this is why dandy stinks we had a little funny laughed i said the thing without saying it and then danny gets us to fucking be assholes yeah yeah i you asshole dandy we said the joke without saying how about face scrolls. Wow.

That's a good one. Like on the wall? That is a good one. Like an ancient China. That's a good one. How about a Buddha, Buddha laugh? What about the great face wall of China? Yeah. The great wall. A comedy club? There's a good one. I like that.

You're up. Oh, really? I like it. Really. Yeah. That's a good name for a comedy club. Yeah, there's move on. So he helps you with this. So he helped me. Look at my finger. Other business I have. Yeah. Yeah. fucking autism's kicking in on this kid.

Yeah, buddy. You went somewhere else. You were back in China. I remember, I was like, who we talking about? Rich, yeah. He, yeah, so then he, so I met him when we started this little club. Yeah.

He was the only person out there doing comedy. Only motherfucker. And he was doing it a few times a year. Yeah. And he was just bringing out guys like you. Yeah. And I was like, hey, I think I want to set up like a local show. Yeah.

Because there was nowhere to do like an open mic. He's like, dude, just do it. And then when you get going, I'll give you some advice on what to do. So started an open mic with a friend. We were doing the first one. We didn't know what else. We didn't know anything. We'd never done it.

Right. So we didn't know what a light was. People were doing 20 minutes. I was getting my roommates. I was getting this like borderline homeless guy, English teachers. There were people, you think you have to be smart to go teach English? It's more like people dropped out of society. Yeah.

Like people on the road. There was two pedophiles living in my town at the same time. We're hell. Americans. There's two pedophiles producing the show right now. Yeah. Same guys. Yeah.

It came back. So it was a mix of like young, educated people and just psychopaths. It is. Like you go if things are going amazing and you have an entrepreneur spirit or you go if you have nowhere else to go. Like this, it's a very bifurcated. It's people who are like divorce on the run from family. She goes with the bifurcated. Wow.

Well, you know, I just wanted to drop a little bit. My English is also very good. I've been bifurcated a couple times in my life. By the pedophiles, I heard. So you step, but here's the thing. you didn't you've never done stand-up never so you just did stand-up just did it and in front of chinese people no it was free it was like a expat bar with 50 people standing there was no explain to people what expat is oh it means foreign people who move out of their country right

but basically it's a fancy word for it's it's somehow pretty much it's like a white person migrant worker. Right. Migrant with money. Yeah. It's the best way to say it. Right. So it's somebody white in a country like China or Japan or where it's mostly one other

person. The idea being you're probably going to go back someday to your own country and you're there for a few years to make money. And part of the idea usually is an expat elicits the idea that like you're in some big fancy apartment or mansion. Like you're very wealthy living in squalor. Right. And you're like the expat and then you get to go back on it.

Yeah. Okay. So actually I'll take that word back then. Yeah. These were not that. that's true. These were scumbags. Yeah.

People were getting fired all over the place. Everyone was blacked out drunk every single night in this town I was in. What was the town called? What was the name? It was called Sujo. Sujo? Yeah. We ended up doing comedy stores, but we'll get to that.

So then I'm doing 15 minutes, five minutes the next week, 20 minutes the week after. But you have no, it's not like you have an act. You're just going up and learning it. Not only no act. You can't repeat. It's the same 50 scumbags come to every week. So if you tell a joke again, they're like, boo, we heard that last week. Really?

It's just all, yeah, none of it was good. You're just writing and saying, writing and saying it, writing and saying it. So you're working, then writing jokes and then doing this once a week, having to come up with new stuff every week. Every single week. And that's just making you good. That's a year of that. I did that for a year. That's what I, you know, the best advice I ever got was from Joe Rogan.

He said, just get on stage. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. That's it. If you get on stage as much as you can, in a year or two or three, you'll be good. You'll be good enough to do show. You can't help but get better because you have to survive.

Yeah, because it's going to suck. Did you get the tea to let us all know? Isn't that great? Is that your sponsor? He brought his own Chinese. Gus runs his own Chinese medicine shop now. No, actually it's Japanese. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. Well, who's being racist? I knew that. Yeah. I think it's still you, but. 100% me. all the time. So you do, and then how do you, like the comics that are coming in,

or any Chinese comics coming in to try to do comedy? Eventually, yeah. Really? The first couple years. So then the next town over was Shanghai. And these guys started the same type of thing that I was doing in Shanghai. Was it the same type of guy? Same type.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they saw you doing it. It was like, oh, we should do this. I think, I don't even know.

Maybe it was independent. Either way, now we had two towns. So now I could tell my jokes twice instead of once. I could go to their city and do it in front of their 50 people. They could come to my town and do it in front of my 50. Right. And so then we just did that for the next couple years. And then we realized if we want to get any better at all,

there needs to be someone better than us that we can watch. You have to, yeah, 100%. You have to be around better comedians. So that's where Gus and I come in. That's why we brought the Wulong tea guy. The professor's going to be fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then we got, we started flying in people.

and we set up maybe four or five city tour. Really? And we did Tuesday through Sunday. Who are you flying in? Like who? So Ari came out, Arsafir. Is that when he came out to do his? That was to do my thing.

No shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Will Sovince came a bunch. Really? Eventually, right after I left. Hang on one second. I just got to check my emails. Did we book you?

No, no, no. You were too dirty for us. No, I just, I don't know. Oh, I didn't get an email from you. It was too dirt. I got to clean it up now. I talk to Richard Robinson. and he said, no, no, no.

I've always wanted to go to China. He said, we got to book Wilson Vince for the ninth time. Willso Vince is clean? He did it. Ari Sheffir? You booked fucking the King of Chaos? There was no, this clean idea, by the way. He pulls his dick out.

I don't know if Rich was telling you the truth. You didn't really have to be clean. Oh, he just didn't want me? I think he just didn't want me. Oh, shit, you are, Rich. I hope you'd listen. He had Louis out there. Oh, yeah, he's clean.

We went and saw Louis. You did get Jim Gaffigan. Can I tell you a joke that Louis said, I mean, it's not like, it's a Louis material from 15 years ago, specifically about China. Right. And he goes, I was walking around today. He's like, I want to have sex with everyone. It's like every single woman I see.

He can't do that joke anymore. Yeah, this was before that. This was before. Back when you could do real comedy. Yeah. So, DC Benny came out. You fucking blow. You didn't get that.

I mean, come on. Des Bishop lived there. We had a few people who had come and didn't stay. Like, this guy, Butch Bradley stayed for like a year. We finally had to kick that out. You know, Butch? Yeah, I know, Butch. Butch stayed for a very...

He came and just didn't leave. Where did he stay? He got an apartment. Can you make money doing it? Did you pay them good money? Not that. I mean, yes, if you're coming for a week. Did you fly them out?

So here's what we did. Okay. Flew him out. And then hotels, like five-star hotels the whole time. Okay. We paid for all their taxis. Everything in country. Right.

As many meals as we were together with, we would buy the meals. Okay. And then three grand or $3,500, depending upon how many shows you did. Is that why you didn't bring me? because at the time I was really fat. And it was a one week. You were over. Yeah.

You were, oh, the two seats. We needed two seats on the plane. That would have killed us. I would have loved to come out. I was actually bummed that Richard, like I didn't want to go getting, you know,

taking advantage from Dick, but I was actually bummed that he never, he never brought me. Because I love travel. Kyle Grooms came out. What? I'm trying to think who else. Oh, so many people.

Jamie Schubert came a bunch. That's what I was thinking of. You, fuck. We didn't know. Here's how we booked, for real. Yeah. It was somebody, Jimmy Schubert came. Yeah.

And then he's like, this is the best thing I've ever done in my life. Oh, I've got to come back. That's a great Jimmy Schumer. It's a really good impression. I spent a lot of time driving around China with Jimmy Schubert. You know what? You can't do me. How about that?

You would have been great. I would have to have you. But the only way we booked is Jimmy would then call us a week later and be like, all right, you got Steve Simone's coming. Ari Shefere's coming. I'm working on more. And then they would come. Right.

And then they would come back and be like, hey, this guy wants to do it. This guy wants to do it. So you should be mad at all those people. I'm not recommending. I'm pissed at Ari right now. So blame Ari. I've never been to China and never been to the UK.

Really? Really? No. You got to go to the UK. I mean, that's so easy. I got a kid. It'd be good for him to go to the UK. I'm not taking him.

Okay. I'm going to take her if I take him. He's coming. She's coming. Saudi? Do you go to Saudi? No, I didn't go there. Did you get invited?

No, I didn't get invited. You didn't have to bring that up. Okay. That part of it was unnecessary. I know your analytic brain needed the information to be correct. I just wanted to know if you bifurcated and went to... I'm going to throw up. I'm trying to figure out what that means.

I mean, it's going... Okay. Yeah, you've gone. I got it. I got it dumped it down. I got her monkey fucking sag language. It means going two different ways. That's right.

That's right. That's correct. In a sexual way. In a sexual way. Oh, I've done that. So you do this club. You're killing it. You start bringing famous people out to...

Now, when you brought these people out, did it help? Like, you become better comics? 100%. Why? Because I remember being like, oh, you could, I would watch them six nights in a row. Right. And I'm like, oh, you, here's how you deal with a heckler.

Right. Here's how when I noticed the jokes, you know, they're going different every night. Not every joke is killing in the same way or even doing as well as it would. How to didn't move, how to transition, how to weave your way in and out of sets and all that stuff. But are they doing the same bits there? Is it different crowds at this point? Are you getting all? It's international crowds.

Right. So there's Chinese people who speak English, but then you got Germans. Everyone speaks English, but they're from around the world. South Africans, Australians, you know, UK. I did Schubert. I mean, he's talked so fast. They must have murdering. He did great.

Yeah. I remember one night, he says a half an hour and the crowd, he was, it was killing so hard, the crowd got exhausted. Yeah. I'm in the back of the room with my guy I produced the shows with, and I'm like, dude, the second half's not going to go as well. It's going to go well, but they're just tired. Yeah.

They didn't laugh as much the second half because they couldn't. Like we were physically exhausted. He also brought like a translator on stage. And he's like doing crowd work with Chinese people in the crowd, just speaking into it and then holding it up. And he's like, Neufan Lama. Like, have you eat? Hello. How are you?

Right. Yeah. So everybody like figured out their own way. Their own way. How did Ari? Ari did it. Already did great. Everyone did.

Right. It was the thing to do, especially in Shanghai. It was the thing to do in town. How many seats? Shanghai was 100 seats. 115 maybe. So great. That's great.

Perfect room. And we would do those tours once a month. We were on five nights a week, like the local shows. Once a month, we would come in for the weekend. And just tour. And we would do like five cities. So we'd go Tuesday this every once a month. There's a backwater town in China, which has like five million people.

Right. But really only maybe 150 guys who somehow, they're factory from, they're from the Midwest, their factory sent them out there, their families back in America. How do you get to those people? We would go to the expat bar in every town. Right. And I would show up and be like, hey, here. here's our business model.

Here's what we want to do. You take all the drinks. We sell the tickets. You take the drinks. Right. All the food, all the drinks, that's you. All we want to do is we'll sell tickets at the door. And me and my buddy Andy would open.

And he was Australian guy. And the first few years, it would be, R.A would be on stage. I'd be the emcee. Andy would be at the door taking tickets. And then I'd bring Andy up. And he would run on stage. And I would go take tickets at the door. Right.

And it was like a real tight operation. Right. And now how did you guys, Did you guys come in with him or did you start your own thing? No, I was living in Beijing, so I was separate from. So that's like a two-hour flight of-a-old. He's like, it's like Chicago. Yeah.

No, no, no. We didn't have like a, nobody had the entrepreneurial spirit to actually like start a club in Beijing. We just did bar shows and open mics and stuff. But we had Des Bishop. You had? He had his own show at the book. So you guys, they have open mics in China. Yeah.

By that point, they didn't. But when you started, it didn't. Or was it in Beijing? Sorry, this is like six years after Turner's thing. Richard was the first and you were the second. Yeah, exactly. Sorry, yeah. And you kept it, you know, just to stick up for my friend.

You were about. Sorry, I didn't mean her the first. I was going to say we were the first open mics. Yeah, okay, whatever, dude. I get it, you're the other guy in China. But he did, you did, like, build the scene. Like, he built, like, the idea of stand-up comedy didn't exist as far as... Well, no, Rich was doing things a few times a year.

Yeah, I mean, that's not, we keep throwing Rich on it. I mean, Rich started it. I told him he invented Chinese Facebook. Great wall of faces What's up, Rich? I'm sure it's listening. She's a good one. She made it work. Small Facebook?

Small Facebook? Oh, Jesus. I got one right now, but I can't say it. Flat Facebook. Sorry, sorry. I said I wasn't going to say it, and you made me say it. Okay? Now I'm never going to fucking China.

It sounds like none of us are going to China. Because of me. Yeah. Hair loss doesn't fix itself. Get started. with Hems. Hems offers a range of prescription. Hair loss treatments, including choose, oral medications, serums, and sprays. Stop further hair loss and regrow hair in as little as three to six months.

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Right. At the bookworm that one time. But then I never saw you again after, I mean, it took until. So, yeah. So then they were. like two hour flight away was Beijing. Wow. So it's pretty far.

But there's only 100 comedians in the country at that point. Yeah. So you all are doing shows. You're flying two hours to go get paid 50 bucks to do a show just because you want the stage time. I remember the first time I met you was in Shanghai. You had come to open for probably Jimmy or someone. No, it was Dwayne Perkins. There you go.

Yeah. There you go. Now, are you guys, are there any, like, you guys are all kind of the same type of person. White guy. Is there anybody like me? Oh, yeah. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is there any fucking dumb, dumb? I was telling you there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. No, but I'm talking like comedians. Yeah. Yeah. Like, is there any, is it all like, um, your type of faces? No.

How am I saying this? No, no, no. I think you just became racist against white people. It's very hard to do. Well, you know what I'm saying? Like, you guys, you guys, you guys are highly intelligent. You speak a bunch of languages. is I am just a piece of shit from Boston that is, you know,

can fucking tell a good story, I guess. Are there any comics like me coming out of China? Or is it live there? That live there, yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking of like Greg Hut, like, oh, sorry, that you would know. No. No, but like, you're just in general.

No, like, because like, okay, I remember a guy. How am I saying this? Like New York has all different types of come up. Yeah. Guys like me. They got like guy like Will. They got guys like Ari. guys like you, they got, you know, they got, you know, all different variations of stand-up.

You're right. There is a, I think, on balance, a homogeneity among us in that it's like, we all went to, like, four-year undergrad, and then we got some kind of job teaching or doing some, like, office, white, white-collar work and blah, blah, blah, like, I think there's probably a bit of a class. Well, living out there, for sure. If I knew the word homogeneity, homogeneity, I would have said that instead of your faces.

Yeah. I just can't believe I became a white guy tonight. You're a white woman. You're a beautiful white woman. You're a beautiful white woman. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Let's keep that going.

Let's get a first date going here. What do you like to do for fun? She's my type girl. If I wasn't married, I'd love to learn something. I heard you don't take your significant other overseas with you, so no, thank you. No, I don't. I did what she would look it I I I I told with Louis I did our Europe I've been to Denmark with with Ari I went to Amsterdam with Patrice and Keith I've been all over Europe doing shows but it's it's not the

it's not the play like I don't want to bring my wife and kid because I'm so nervous of the show yes I'm so nervous of I need to know the culture yeah and the show and the people and there's a certain Kate, oh, God, let's just bring this in real quick. Do you guys, Rich, you're live on my podcast. Oh, it's Tuesday. I always forget when I call that Tuesday you have a podcast. It's insane that you think after five times or four times I would remember. What major guests do you have tonight? Well, I have international guests tonight. I have, I have, they all started. in China. Nihow.

They all started in China, but they're all as white as Ryan Hamilton. He may be more tan. Ryan Hamilton, you're like, who's this motherfucker? What? Did you get your guest through Timo?

Tima. Yes, he booked us off Timo. That's right. Wow. I'm the Timo, Ryan Hamilton. actually. That's fair. You're such a piece of shit.

What's wrong are you? Can you be nice, please? How long have you been in New York? 10 years. 10 years. What kind of a reaction? How come I haven't met you guys? That's what I don't know.

They've been here for 10 years, but they started, they all started, they started comedy in China. They didn't have it. Richard Robinson did it first. And then they started doing comedy. Now they have stand-up comedy in China because of the, These guys and girl, beautiful girl. I had nothing to do with them.

I just joined on later. Same. Yeah. 15 years ago or 20, I did a, I did shows in Hong Kong. There you go. I went and visited. Richard Robertson. Did he go to takeout comedy?

You went to Big Buddha? What's that? I know. Are you making a joke about me? Probably. No, no, no. No, no. Don't visit Big Buddha.

It's a tourist thing in Hong Kong. And you did comedy there? Yeah, I guess it would. I mean, obviously, it wasn't for them. For like American club, you know, some kind of like maybe a military. I don't know what it was. This is like talking to my mother. There's no, I don't think there's a U.S. military in Hong Kong.

No, they don't have U.S. military. Buddy, they, they, they, it's a communist country. They're not going to allow us to have a base in all. We didn't drop bombs on them. It's not Japan. What? No, it was like a U.S. club. I don't like.

Yeah, it's a U.S. Club. Takeout. Takeout comedy. Take out comedy. Did it smell like piss on the inside? Every club he works spells like that. Okay.

Well, then it could have been. Could have been Punchline. There was a place called Punchline, and then there was Rich. Listen, tell these dummies to shut their mouth when I'm talking. Welcome to America. Where we come from there, a man. First of all, I won't let you know. These guys are all like college grads.

They speak Chinese, Mandarin, Cantonese. They are highly intelligent. Yeah, good. Make me laugh for an hour. Shut up. They tell a joke and half an hour later you need another one. That's a little Chinese food joke. Oh, I get it.

Oh, Lord. All right. Dude, you're ruining this. We were having such a great. show. We're having a lot of fun. And now, dude, they... I forgot you were doing your podcast. I keep... I'm coming from my meeting

and I forgot. And I wanted to talk to you about what we talked about earlier. Okay. But anyhow, don't bring it up. Okay, I'm not going to bring it up. Congratulate. I will never bring up your AIDS. Bring it up. He has AIDS. Okay. It's not full-blown.

Sure. Listen, do you guys have any eggs? No, I got... I got monkey monkey pox. Yeah, monkey pox. Okay. All right, listen, I'll talk to, are you coming in the city or no? I'll fuck off. Okay, well, that's American comedy for you guys. Great ending.

Yeah, that's, I'm going to end all my calls. That's a cliffhanger. Yeah. Oh, God, I can't stay. We usually play, I hope you when we hang up. Yeah. I go, I hope, buddy, I'll talk to you later. I hope you hit a tree on the way home.

And then he'll be like, I hope you hit a tree. but behind the tree is a baby and you kill the baby in front of the mother and it just keeps getting worse and worse and worse. I then one time I was like, I hope you hit a tree and then your car goes into a mosque while they're praying about killing the Jews and your star David diamond thing comes out of your chest

as soon as you land in the mosque. Yeah. I hope that happens. World War III. Yeah. That's right. Well, not for him. It'd be over quick.

That would be the end of World War III. Incredible. Why do you going to do that to me? I'm sorry. She really wants to make me feel less than. The band? Yes, exactly right. The word hermandianized.

What was it again? I forget. Bye, Kosyn. Oh, by Koskney. Bye for Kate. Buy for Kate. She's so smart. Buy something.

God, I love some people. All you need is just words with a lot of syllables and everyone thinks you're smart. Two syllables. For me. Yeah. So you guys start doing comedy there. So you guys have been back. We've been back.

Why was it like as far as you could go, right? You guys are like, look, we're good now. This is as far as we can go. And we got to go somewhere and see if we can do this, right? Yes. Is that the plan? Yes. And also I had another, for me, I had a, you know the Mr. Sothy ice cream trucks?

Yeah. I did those. I started franchises in China. He's an entrepreneur over there. What? Yeah. He brought ice cream to China. So I had 10.

They didn't have ice cream in China? They had ice cream. They didn't have Mr. Soft. So you brought the truck and everything? I had it built out there. You had the truck. I took the specs from the American company. I worked with them.

Right? And took the specs and built it out there. And they did Mr. Softty trucks all around China. So you have, so you're, you're loaded. No. No, no, no. Because I did good, but I ended up with 10 trucks and two stores and then got my permits taken away. Why?

Why the local government? Because it's China. Because it's China. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which you knew was going to happen at some point. Now explain that to me because I would think that doing comedy in China would be like what I was supposed to go to India years ago with me and Keith Robinson and they were like they have censor police that will come to the show. And if you say anything against the government or anything they deem, you know, offensive. Sure.

They'll arrest you and shut the show down. Is that a thing in China? Yes. Wow. I don't think you'd say yes. We were so low level. We were doing like little bars, you know, 30 people, 50 people. Were you scared of that at all?

No, because we had, at that time, we had a good relationship with the local government. Right. And it was kind of like a don't ask, don't tell. Don't tell us what we're doing. We were, we were entertaining the Richard Robinson type. So it was like being gay here in the 80s. It was being gay in the military. Yeah, yeah, that was it. Don't ask, don't tell, but me in the bathroom.

Do whatever you want, as long as you're working for the country. Okay, I got you. So it must have also mattered that we were doing it mostly in English and the audiences were mostly expats. It's not like we were speaking in manner. But weren't you? That's true. Chinese comics were afraid because why?

Well, because they had censors come to their shows. The government could understand them. But our shows were in English. They didn't care at the time. But now it's different. Yeah. So you got your, so they never fucked with your comedy shows ever. They eventually did later on.

Really? But it was a little bit. And then we exited the business. You like, I got to, we got to get out of here because it's getting a little. Because what could they do to you? It was getting dicey. So they could shut shows down. That was starting to happen.

So what could they do? Like, what did they do to your business? My ice cream, Mr. Softi, they just pulled our permits. So there was no, in the city I lived in before us, there was no mobile vending anything. There was no truck driving around, food trucks, anything like that. So I pitched this idea. I had to go meet with the local government. I was like 23 years old.

Meet with the Chinese government and show them videos of Mr. Softty trucks driving around New York. and be like, hey, this is a great idea. I'm the local Chinese guy and you're coming to me to pitch. Do it in your, do it in Chinese. In Chinese? You're, you're, do it in Shufu.

You want a cigarette? That's number one. So we have Ranxin, it's our bing chesh. We have so much bing chelang very much like to beinjikin.

So your child very much like to eat So you give me a I don't know how I say permit, I want to do it. Jirt. Whatever. Something jerk. You give me a jir.

And I and my, and my friend do something pious. Do shenny. We'll mary down bingling. You know? Can't?

Okay. Okay. You understand? Yeah. That's pretty good, right? That's pretty much what we did. The one question they had is they go, why would you sell

ice cream to children out of a moving truck? Isn't that danger? Well, with your face it is. If you were like, I want to sell I want to sell ice cream to children. If she or he did, I'd be like, oh, it's fine. Selling ice cream is the least of your concerns. I don't trust guys who part their hair to the side

if they want to talk to children. I haven't had a haircut in a while. It's a bad day. At least I part my hair. Plus your excitement. I want to sell ice cream to kids? Is that okay? Yeah, all of your children.

I'm going to have my own van. Does that bother anybody? Yeah. So they allowed you to do this. Eventually they did. And it took a long time. It took a year to get the permits the first time. So it's hard living in China.

It's not easy. They say anything is possible and everything is difficult. Right. That's kind of like the thing. You can do whatever you want. She was a circus performer. I was a circus performer. What did you do?

I did trapeze and fire mostly. It was a... Fuck off. You do everything. There was... I just... I did circus in grad school just like for fun. And then when I moved there, a circus-themed nightclub opened.

We shut up. I just did circus for fun. It was insane. It's true. Juggle for fun. There you go. Not do circus. She would bring.

You brought the whole circus to the comedy show. I did bring the whole circus to the comedy show. What? And I did. I did. Really? But so I, there were little people. Thanks, Turner.

Running around. It was a very politically incorrect comedy show. Or a politically incorrect circus because it wasn't, there wasn't like labor laws or anything. So we would book people. based on their size. You mean the good days? Yeah, yeah. And I worked under the table the whole time.

It was not, like, I was employed through NYU, and then this was at night. And it was sort of like a burlesque, fire-eating kind of. You can do burlesque in China? Well, you're not supposed to, but as long as the police don't come, and then if they do, you just go backstage. And at some point, they didn't know the word

for pasties in Chinese, so they said, no more women with coins on their nipples. And so then, but then the minute they leave, you go back out and you know, you have a few more months. So it was, it's a similar sort of thing where it's like, for the most part, no one bothers you. And then when they do, you pretend you're following the roles.

And then you go, it eventually went out of business and as many things in China do. And what happened with you? Did any stuff, did you do anything? No. I sold air filters. Wow. That's actually very useful in China.

Yeah. Well, I was, so I taught English, then I did a master's degree and applied linguistics because I wanted to be a Chinese teacher. Right. But then by the end of it, I didn't. So I helped my friend start this air filter coming. Right. Shout out to smart air filters. Still going. Wow. So you own a piece of it? No, no. It's not that kind of a company. Right. Like it's a nonprofit. Nonprofit for people that need air filters. Sorry, it's a, it's a social enterprise. Yeah. So. So with the government. No. I don't think they're involved actually. Really? But they're doing well. They're, you know, you know, helping people get clean air. Now, is it, like, look, we know, you hear all the stuff about China.

You hear, you could hear that they're going to come over here. They're going to, the 100-year plan, they're, you know, after Japan, then the Japan almost took over China in the World War, and they were like, that will never happen again. We're going to have, you know, millions of babies. We're going to have as many male babies ever. So our army is going to be, you could kill a million of us. There'll be another million coming down.

and we're never going to be defeated to get or even come close to it because we'll have too many people to fuck you up and they want to take over the world someday and they want to take over America and they want to you know blah blah blah and they have things flying over and there's stuff in our phone you're talking about the balloons well we're talking about social media and they're listening

they're making us hate each other and it's all this communist propaganda that people believe and it's it's kind of frightening but you guys live there is this true? It's not to that. Not really. Well, and not at the time. Like the Chinese people.

I don't think China's trying to take over the world. No, no, that's not. Yeah. They have enough issues dealing, you know, they're trying to. They have a billion people, right? Yeah, they're trying to get health care for people. The same issues we deal with internally, they got over there. With more people.

People need jobs, you know. The economy's going through a tough time right now. They're not thinking, take over the world. Right. They're like, let's just figure out our own billion people. I will say that when I moved to China in 2013, I thought I was moving from New York City. Is that you?

Oh, my Lord. That's the dance troupe. That's me on the top there. In Asian face. Where's the little people? Yeah. They're all those little people right there. This thing, it's everywhere.

Everywhere. It's every time I'm on any highway, I see this and I'm like, I got to go see it just to get it out of my system. Every city I'm on the road. They're there. How far into this would I want to kill myself? I mean, I haven't seen it. Have you seen it? No.

You've never seen it? I don't think it. I lived it. What do I need to see it? These guys don't like. This is a non-mainland China. This is the line that says China before communism. It's a kind of like...

Oh, they don't like the communism. Right. But you guys lived in communism, and it didn't affect you. So it's, at least in Shanghai, which is one of the biggest cities in the world, 20 million people or so, when I moved there from New York City,

I thought I was moving from like the center of the world to some backwater, Asia, never heard of it. You land there, you walk around. It makes Manhattan feel like a village. Really? It's very developed. It's massive.

The roads are long. and wide and the skyline goes on forever. The subway is immaculate and beautiful. Like, there's a lot going on there that's fantastic. It has changed since we left. COVID was hard, but I have friends who still live there, and they absolutely love the city. It's a fantastic place to live. So is a lot of the stuff that we hear about it is not true. The one thing I think that's true that was not overblown when I got there was, I think the air pollution is really bad. When I was first moving that people were like, oh, the air pollution. And I'm like, oh, calm down, paranoid America. you get there and you're like, oh, this is actually really bad.

Well, because... Like, you can't see your hand in front of your face on the really bad day. Stop it. Really, I mean, that's a very bad day, but... That's not true. That's true. I never not...

You were not... You were not... I... There was the night that it broke the scale. December 2013. Yeah, yeah. It was so dark. It was jet black.

There was a... That was bad. You could download an app for your phone that was like a little cat that would get more upset as the air pollution got worse. And it hit a thing where it passed 600, whatever the number was. And the cat just died and had little exes for its eyes.

it was a lot of fun. So when you're there, you're living there, they're just like us, except this, the communists, like the government is pretty much the boss. Yes. Are the people fine with that? Or is it like, are they, are they, is there, you know what I mean? There's plenty of people that are not fine with it.

I would say, like, at the time, like, these problems just didn't affect us because we were living in the expat world. Right. You know, we're basically like living in Bushwick. Right. It's what it was like, at least for me in Beijing. You know what I mean? Right.

The local, you know. And it's like asking what's going on in Kentucky or something like that. Yeah. I was living in a little bit more of a Kentucky. I mean, I wasn't living in Kentucky, but I wasn't living in the major city. I was living in a second, a lower. But to be clear, the first time I went to Sujo, I was like, what sleepy town is this? And on my way there, on the bullet train, it's super fast.

I realized it's an eight million, the population. It's the size of New York City, this sleepy town is right? Really? Yeah. But no, I think most people, I think it's like here. Some people like the government. Some people don't. The main difference is you don't talk about it in public.

Well, because we, you know, you bring up China and we think, you know, fucking evil. They're against. But, like, I love noodles. There you go. There you go. That's a good place to start. I love dumplings. Uh-huh.

I love Chinese food. I love Chinatown. Whenever I go to San Fran or even here, love walking around. China town. I love the culture of Chinese people. And it's, you know, I find it, it's, it kind of sucks that, you know, it's like when you think of people against America, you think China, Russia. And I, you know, Russia too, but it's like this communism, now communism seems to be growing here where people want it here. Like the people that want some type of Marxism or communism here, we don't, I don't understand that. Does, like, if you could choose between America, you know, freedom, right, or communism, what would you choose?

Well, I think we all chose. We're here. It was chosen for you. Yeah, it was chosen for me. Your trucks stealing away. Having two businesses out there, the one thing that's in the back of your mind always is that this will be taken away someday. Really? Yeah.

And so you don't. Why do they take it away? Because they don't take it away from everybody. They don't want you to be successful. But it's, no, it's because, well, so like, here's a good example. Michael Jordan got his, he doesn't own his own name in China. His own Chinese name is Chow Dan, which is a translation of Jordan. Yeah, you knew that.

It's by political. Don't talk to you like that. It's by coastal. Yeah, it's hermodafidite. And he, uh, what was it again? You were close. So there's a company that started a shoe company called Chow Dan 23. Yeah.

Number 23. It's red and black, red and black shoes. Yeah. He sued them to get his own name back and lost. Yeah. Because that's the thing, too, is they make, they'll just take, we send everything to China. Like the fake Apple stores and. Yeah, we send it all over there because we need them to make, it's cheap.

These companies in America, Apple, all of it, you know, Nike, everything sends our stuff over there. They take it, the patents or whatever, and they just make their version of it. It's the same thing, right? There is. Yeah. There's two things going on, the one is legally, if you're going to be protected or not, for IP or things like that. That's more of what I'm talking about.

Legally, there's not. But there is something of a culture. So when I was at Cercloswar in Shanghai, that's the circus where I was, one of the kind of managers there wanted to start his own club. And he basically made up a plan to exactly copy Circloswar. And in his mind, as a Chinese person, it was not a problem. It was just like, yeah, you're just, oh, that's a good idea, I'm going to do that too. Right.

And one of the issues, this is a generalization, but one of the issues when I was teaching over there is in China, it's considered flattering if you quote someone, you quote someone, in your own paper as part of your own writing. So like I'm gonna say something in my college essay. Now here are some words from Abraham Lincoln and now I'm gonna keep going and it shows that I'm educated and it shows that I'm thoughtful. Whereas in the United States we would call that plagiarism.

And so it's, it is something that's a bit culturally where imitating or mimicking something is not necessarily frowned upon in the same way that it is in a place like the United States. Whether that comes before the law or as a result of the law, I don't know. But it kind of both things are true where it's just not weird to copy. I don't like it. It's been a problem. Did that happen? jokes with you guys?

Not for me. No. But most of my jokes were in English, so. No. Actually, I remember Des had a, I don't know if this ever actually happened, but he once said that he thinks that the Chinese comics should be allowed to do like, like, you know, Bill Cosby jokes. I mean, everyone should be allowed to do Cosby Jules. Well, sorry. Why not? For some reason that's the first guy I thought. But like, because.

What reason, Gus? Yeah, why? Because no one's going to know, in Chinese, no one's going to know that they're being plagiarized. And to learn how to do comedy, you should, like, imitate the... I mean, I remember him trying to give me that one time we were on the road. And I'm like, dude, I don't know. I just think it's like... Well, I mean, when you play an instrument, you know...

You learn other people. You learn other people's stuff. Some writing advice, too, is like you write Hemingway's prose and then eventually peel off and start doing your own. Yeah. That's more of like a practice at home as opposed to during... Did anyone start stand up by stealing jokes? No.

I used to measure... Not in America. Yeah, so why is that a good way to do it? Well, I think, but I think you do, as you come up, you will steal people's essence. You will mimic somebody who you admire, but that should flower into your own version of that. Like, I would study Louis sets on my flights to China, and I would say, oh, this is how long he talks about this topic, and this is like he does this, and then he has like a tag and he has another tag. Wow.

Right. I think what he meant was just like they don't have a precedent at all. Yeah. They don't know what. There's no one to watch. There's no one who's better than them. Yes. So you might as, so it's got to start somewhere.

So might as well just let them do. I know. This never actually happened. Airplane food. Some young. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yes.

I'm like, yeah. That means what's the deal? Yeah. Are people over there, the cost of living is cheap, but is, the people over there, do they, like, they work and then they go home, right? Is it, like in America, everybody's trying to be famous. Everybody's trying to be, everybody's trying to be something there. This was pre-social media.

Yeah, I don't know what it's like now. Yeah. When we were there, no, it was just like a, yeah, you were. you go hang out with his family. Yeah, you guys were like rock stars. Yeah. Americans like, oh, we're doing all this entrepreneur stuff. There, it's like get a job.

Go to school, right? Get a job and go home, right? There's also, and I'm speaking just about my castmates in the circus, but the Chinese castmates had been trained to be performers from childhood. Since they were a year old. Whether you're an acrobat or a singer. And so it's not like, oh, I'm in my 20s. I just finished college.

I'm going to go to the big city and become an artist. It's like you were either trained in an academy from age two. And then you're an artist or not. Well, you know, they do that with sports too. Yeah. Like they're Olympians. Yeah. They're all once, they, when they're five years old, they go, oh, you're the right,

you're going to be the right height to be a downhill skier. You're now a downhill skier. Right. And that's your life. Yeah. And you don't have a choice. You're just kind of in. I don't know if you have a choice or not.

I'm not sure. But you have a choice? Didn't seem like these people. I mean, there were some kids working at my club. Didn't seem like they had a choice. Thank you very much. Oh, shit. I want to help you.

I want to hear what you say. There you go. And then you're in. And then my wife's, my wife's Chinese. My wife's... What? No, I'm kidding. I'm sorry.

By the way, cooking with Yeya, she teaches Chinese cooking. Does she really? Super great. Like house parties. Where? Oh, really? Can I hire her? 100%.

How expensive is she? Cooking with Yeya.com. I don't know. How many yen? A few hundred bites. She charges 5,000 Japanese yen. Oh, that's right. I was racist in the wrong way.

Again. How many? How many? You on. How many, you on? Yeah, yeah. You on. What do you say?

Y-U-A-N. You-on? That's what the money's called. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the money's called you on. Yep. And now you don't, you have to have an apartment there. There's no houses, right?

I think, like, way out in the countryside. Sure. But it's most major cities like this. You live an apartment. Yeah. Now, was, like, because I love how, I mean, Japan, of course, but I would say China does it too, how everything is like small little place. Small little, they have these washing machines.

that just hang on the wall. Like all this technology. People live in drawers. Like, yeah. Yeah, like, in my brain, I'm like, like, these, everything is small and organized and sufficient. Like, you don't have extra jeans and 50 pairs of shoes. You just don't have the space for it because it's, it's, you know,

you don't have a big apartment. Did you have, like, small places? Did you? It was similar to New York. It's similar to New York. Yeah. Well, it's just small. But not old built.

Did they have old built, like in Brooklyn, these old buildings? Like, nobody had. Not that I. Well, the French? Nobody had. like dryers or ovens. You don't have an oven? Yeah.

What about a dishwasher? When I moved back to the U.S. I had to learn how to do it. You had an oven? I had an oven. Whoa. China's doing good. You had an oven?

I was in Poudong, which is like, what is that? Like Battery Park City of, like, because Shanghai, NYU put us up in the newer part of the town. Like Jersey City. It's like Jersey City, a little more space. But did they have old buildings?

Like, you know all these buildings around here? I picture China's just these big fucking, you know, buildings with a million people in them and, you know. It's a combo. It would be like a brand new high rise next door to an ancient building next door to a brand new high rise. Right. What did you live in? I lived in, it was probably built like 20 years earlier. Really? Yeah. Which means like, you know. Was it like a one bedroom or did you live with other people? I had a two bedroom apartment just for me with a balcony in this city I was living in. I was paying 500 bucks a month for rent. That's it. Yeah. And it was a pretty nice, did I smoke? Yeah.

No. You didn't smoke cigarettes? I thought everybody had to smoke. Oh, everyone does smoke. I've never smoked. Did you smoke? The country smoked more. Did you smoke?

I mean, for fun sometimes. I love you. You're so rogue. You're almost French. That's how cool you are. A very French lung cancer that I have developed. A little bit. Oh, Jesus.

Full blown. You've got to go back to China to get health care. That's right. So everybody over there have health care. The government takes care of everything? It's cheap. It's insanely cheap. It's just cheap.

You don't get it. I remember I got a MRI and a doctor's visit and an x-ray for a hundred bucks. Really? Yeah. I remember helping another student at Beijing Normal get Vicodin or something. Nice. Because it was, I don't remember what her ailment was, but she got Vicodon. It was like three cents or something for like a pack of 20.

And I realized like, oh, you could like. You could really move some Vicodin around here. But the problem is if you get caught, you're going to. I mean, they don't fuck around. No, no, right? Yeah, yeah. That's why you wouldn't do it. Oh, yeah, you don't want to deal.

You don't litter. Litter's fine. Really? That's Japan or you don't litter. China, you litter. Yeah, there's a lot of litter. But then there's also people whose job it is to pick up litter

that's like part of the economy. Like the 80s. Just throw it out the window. Yeah. Keep going. Because, you know, another thing too, another myth, maybe you can bust. It's like they have so many people.

Like America gets fucking whacked with this we're killing the world, right? But we do a lot to not for the environment. Yeah. And then you got China who's like, like, fuck it. Well, also note, you can't drink the water. And so you can't drink tap water.

And so you're just going through tons and tons of plastic bottles, whether it's like big bottles for your home. They don't have clean water? No. Really? Yeah. And even the parts that are clean, like in Shanghai, correct me if I'm wrong, I believe the water that comes out of the, like, municipal system is clean. But then the pipes are so old and horrible that by the time they get to your house, it's like yellow. No one would drink out of the tap.

You would never drink out of the tap. Wow. A billion people When you can't drink out of... When I went to Guatemala the first time, I remember coming home and taking a shower

and opening my mouth going, oh my... I can... I could drink out of my toilet. Yeah. That's the same water coming out of my... My shower,

when I first moved there, smelled like orange chemical. Do you know what smell I'm talking about? Sort of like if chlorine and oranges got together. And you just have to deal with it. I eventually got a filter. I don't know if it did anything.

But yeah. My water smelled pretty good. Nice. It didn't feel like an orange chemical. No, mine was very orange chemical. Are you guys, do you like each other? We're going to go against everything she says. Oh, really?

We've known each other too long. Yeah, it's 15. So now you come, what made you go, fuck it? Did you guys all come together or did you? It was a coincidence. Yeah, we didn't plan it. Really? Yeah.

But we did all come back around the same time. So you guys knew each other out there as comedians. Yep. And your friends out there. And then you, what made you come back? My business got taken away by the, the men. Mr. Softy ice cream trucks? The kid trucks?

Yeah, the kid trucks, the pedophile trucks. Oh, I didn't see that. So my wife and I just decided. You met your wife out there? Yeah. And she's full-blooded. I thought you were going to say full-blown. She's a full-blown Chinese.

And where did you meet her at a show, you a piece of shit? Yes. You did you? I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she speaks English. She speaks English. She had gone to college in the U.S.,

grad school in England and moved back. She went to college in the U.S. She went to college in the U.S. I came back. Dickinson State University. city in North Dakota. That's right. Yeah.

Rough. She's seen more of America than I have. Yeah. She was there like a semester and then went to Florida. So she's been to all the fucking... Yeah, she's seen some shit. All the plots were she's not welcome. Wow.

So you met her out there at a show? At a show. At a... We met. Did you have to meet her family? Yeah, yeah. I know her family. How are you disappointed with that?

How sad were they when they met fucking old... They were not happy. Old softy surf. But then... No, but they knew my business in town. So then that was good. They're like, oh, it's that guy. Okay.

And then I speak Chinese, so that was also. Oh, that, dude, there's nothing better than the videos where the guy goes into the Chinese restaurant. And he's just hanging out and you could see them just like fucking whatever. And they're like, oh. After they've talked about him for a half hour. Yeah. That means, can I marry your daughter, by the way? That's exactly what I said.

Oh, that's what I said. Yeah. Oh, I'm saying. Don't mind. Think, don't think. They went, whoa! Sign me up. That was a good Chinese actor.

You nailed it. It was more Cantonese than Mandarin. Sorry. Yeah. So they were cool. They were cool. Because, yeah, if you didn't speak Chinese, they probably would have been pissed, right?

That was their number one fear. Like, what you're going to marry some guy? We can't even talk to them. Right. What's going to happen? And they love you, they respect you. Yeah. And you're going to have kids?

I don't think we're having kids. Why? That's not. Nothing to do it. Right. But they want us to happen. Because you married an 80-year-old? They want, yeah.

They want, that's a big deal. They want Hwinsche, which means like mixed blood. Right. They want mixed blood. Oh, they do? Oh, yeah, of course. Oh, I didn't know that. How are they going to take over this country if they don't have mixed blood?

Oh, that's their way in. You want to mix the blood. They want to mix the blood. That's to be such a beautiful baby. That's what everyone said. No one says smart. Well, it's going to be smart. Well, it's like a half.

Well, it's you. Waterdown. Everyone says beautiful. Yeah. You're married a Chinese girl. It's going to be smart. She's going to be holy shit smart. Yeah, I talked to him on the phone and stuff.

You're going to have a kid that never looks you in the eye. Hey, Dad. Yeah, right. Genius. And you move back. I married a lady that wanted to move here. Holy shit. Yeah.

You're not gay. I know. How about that? I am, by the way. You're gay. His wife is trans. I am fucking flabbergasted. Who would have thought?

I'm sorry. Did that come out of my mind? No, that's fine. Clip that. Listen. That was a slur. That means, are you sure you're not gay? I know.

I know that's the only one I know. When I went to China, I kept saying that to guys. All right. That's pretty good. You can tour China now. Let me ask you a question. Sorry for saying that. I really thought you were.

You and a lot of people. Yeah. Well, I mean, look, you have a very... it's all right you have a very whatever you want to say well no because you go for it you're quiet yeah no I said I thought you I thought you uh all my all my plans are ruined now I'm back to you I'm right all right so you married a girl from there no actually she's Australian but she was living in Hong Kong and and is she why was she there I did you meet her at a show in there I I met her after a show I thought she was at the show so I thought she was at the show so I

thought she had just seen me murder. Right. I had the confidence. I was like, hey, you were probably at the show, right? And she was like, no. And I was like, oh, shit, I got nothing now. Is that the worst feeling of the world? Me and Jay would talk about that today.

We were like, dude, is anything worse when a girl's like, hey, what's going on? Will you at my show? No. All right, bye. Yeah, yeah. I have nothing to offer. There goes my advantage. I almost said bye.

And then her friends who were at the show, we're like, oh, you were really good. Oh, you got the, you got the side show. Yes. You got the people coming out. That's actually better. It's better, yeah. Because she saw the, I showed her the tape later of me at that night. Can I say something?

Are you sure you're not gay? Because that's the gayest thing I've ever heard. It was a gay thing to do. But she was like, so I realized, like, if she was at the show, it wouldn't have happened. Right. We have a kid that wouldn't be a lot. You have a kid. How old are you a kid?

Six. Six. No shit. And now, now, is your kid, are you? Get it? No. She's transitioning. Yeah.

No, she's done. Into Japanese. She's a lady. She's a lady. That's creepy, too. No. No, is your kid, is your kid, you think, how old you kid? Three?

Six. Six. So is your kid highly intelligent, too? Yeah, I guess she's pretty much. Because she speaks two languages, right? No, no, no. You didn't teach her Chinese. No.

You didn't teach her any other language. No. You have to. Listen to me. I should, yeah. One of the, I've been taking du lingo for 355 days. I know nothing. What language?

Spanish. I take a Spanish. I know nothing. 300. I went to Cuba with Ari. He was speaking, you know, all right, right? He goes, just get du lingo. And I was like, boom, I, since we went,

it's almost a year since we went to Cuba. I know nothing. Every day I park in my garage with the Spanish guys, I walk up and I go, hey. Your Chinese is better. Yeah. Easy. Now I'm making up sounds

It's the fun of to speak the language More fun not to Shane got canceled for her but I don't think you should have Yeah I don't I should You're 100% do it right now Because first of all If they do take over

If they're lying and their spies That's gonna be great That's gonna get out of a jam You know what I mean Because they're gonna stop you And be like Hundo And you're gonna be like N'u-na And she can be like Hondo D

And they'd be like okay Go ahead you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, Danny, me, we're all fucking dead. Danny's going to go, duh. Yeah. And they're going to be like, kill him now.

He's useless. I think you just speak that way with enough conviction. They'll just think you're speaking with like a rare dialect. And they're very into preserving their minority dialects. Just really lean into it.

Do not feel of a retarded Chinese. Don't talk. Yeah. So like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. Just means, okay, okay, okay. Yeah. What does it mean?

Okay, like, okay. Do it the other way. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, like. Like saying how? That's what Danny sounds like when he's having sex. Over and over. When the cum king is coming, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I do a guy who used to just get hammered with Chinese guys, and he knew no Chinese. But he would just do that. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. You could hang out for hours. Yeah, because they think you're understanding what they're saying and agreeing with them. It's yes and. Yeah, it's considered impolite to, like, be like, wait, I don't understand you.

You say, you get away with so much. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's all you need. I tell you, it is one of those languages where it sounds like they're pissed all the time. Oh, yeah. It's just, it's aggressive.

Like that. Yeah, Germans like that too, right? Yeah, yeah. Now, so you left, now you got a kid, you're back here, 10 years doing stand-up? Yep. And you're doing stand-up? Yeah. All just do it.

Now, how is, I want to get to you to it. Why did you leave? I left because I didn't want to be a professor, and living in China for a job that I didn't want, seemed like a bad idea. Right. And I also wanted to get better. at comedy and I felt like the place to do it was New York City. Now you come back now. Are you married? No. Do you have no children, nothing?

No, I got two dogs and a boyfriend who I actually met in China, but he was just visiting. Is he Chinese? No, he's not. What is he? Ohio. Oh, you got, you. Very, like, Irish, I guess. Is he smart like you? Or is he just like, I'm Ohio? No, he's, so he was visiting my colleagues. He was visiting my colleague while I was there. Yeah. Colleagues. colleagues. What does that mean? We bifurcated the colleagues.

Friends. My colleagues. Subtitles. Anyway, chicks with coins on their tits. No, spice it up. Yeah, yeah.

So I had coins on my tits and, uh... Hey. I'm sorry. Got them. Tusha. That was good. Way to play along. There you go.

I don't think she was going to go with me. I got coins on right now. I'll take off. I don't want your fucking Ohio boyfriend to beat this. Get out of me. He'll be all right. He's used to it. No, he was just visiting.

He was visiting a friend of mine on vacation, and we met one of my first weeks there, and we just got along, and so we were friends for years and years, and then I moved here. Right. We got together. But we moved here, too. He lived here the whole time. He was just on vacation in China. What does he do?

Finance. Finance. Yeah. But his family all thought I was Chinese until they met me. Really? Seinfeld Donna Chang's, like, oh, I met this girl in China. She's going to come to Thanksgiving, and like, does she know our customs? She's from Maryland.

Okay. So no. No, our customs. They got dual lingo. Yeah, they got dual lingo for the Appalachian accent. Does she know our customs? How to hate Chinese people and Jews. Right, right, right.

Called jello salad. So you came back here. So you live here. You guys are all there. We all live here. Right. Now, did you, is, is it, because it's almost starting over. Yes, it was 100%.

Open mics. You're the big fish in the little pond. And now you're. It was awful. We spent more time together in open mics here than we did ever doing shows. was in Shanghai. That must have sucked. It was terrible.

I barked for a year at the lantern. Really? Yeah. And I was headlining, whoa, clubs out in there. You're right there? Yeah. I'm having, no, it's like PTSD, remember? Yeah, it was rough.

Andrea and I only started working there because Turner met the Booker and became best friends with him at a bar or something. Yeah. Hey, I got these friends. At the lantern? That's great. And Will Silvens would walk by and he would buy me coffee because he remembered me from China.

No shit. And that's all he gave it was coffee. Yeah, fucking nothing. Yeah. It's how a stage time. You do you. You, you, you, you, you, you, you, won't coffee? Yeah, no, basically all my spots at that time were because Turner made friends with the Booker.

Right. And was like, I got this friend. The one place. We all got into the one place. And then we got into the one place. And then that Booker told me that I had to stop doing China material because everyone else was doing China material. He's like, I can't put you all on the same show because all you do is talk about, I used to live in China. Right.

All of you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So I stopped doing China. We all have the same act. Well, it's a real nightmare. It's a real nightmare. It's all Bill Cosby.

Very Chinese. I just made sure I went up first on everything. like look if I didn't do comedy I'd have to just go do some grunt work somewhere I have to go you know do some epoxy flooring job or sell something at some but you guys are you have these

educations you have language you know it must be nice to know that you could go off and do another field if you wanted to right this is the other field I mean I had an ice cream truck business that I was happy with what I'm saying is you're not going to make it No, but to have that intelligence, to have that ability to do stand-up knowing that you,

you know what I mean, it's almost like being rich if you have, like, I have a backup. But it's also bad. Danny's choices, if comedy doesn't work out, magic and suicide. And one of those is vastly better than. Joe's choices is hopefully his wife becomes popular. and famous. That's his choice because that cheese shit ain't working, Joe. The cheese show. Hey, we've all done the cheese show.

I haven't done the cheese show. Hey, guess who hasn't done the cheese show? What? Wow. Yeah. China and the cheese show. I haven't done. You guys. I'm booked you for either. Oh, son of a bitch. I'm never going to China because of you. Well, it's not happening anymore. Yeah. The clubs.

Yeah. It's over. I have my shot. Well, you go to Bay Ridge. Do the cheese show. It's pretty similar. I'm not going to fucking Bay Ridge. Well, there you. Take a fucking train to a train to a fucking walk. China is easier to get to. Non-stop from JFK.

How long's the flight? It's like 14 hours. Yeah, that's not bad. It's like Japan, right? Yeah, you just go to sleep. Now that you're out of here, though, and you're here, you guys, it's your home. So when you see all the stuff going on on the news and stuff, you got to be torn a little bit because you know what it's like to be there. You know, you know the reality of it.

When you hear how the news is, you know, they, you know, Dave. fuck it up and they make it sound terrifying and Chinese people are terrifying and we should be afraid of China and all this stuff. You guys must be torn a little bit because you know. Yeah. Like we don't know. I mean, I feel the same way about it that I think a lot of Americans feel, which is there's like our government and the government is doing the things that they do. And then there's people just trying to live their lives and they have families and friends and communities and people they care about. And that's how I feel about the vast, vast, vast majority of people in China are just regular people trying to live their lives. And everyone I talk to,

whether it was in comedy or in circus or at NYU or just like whoever perfectly nice very friendly funny interested in your life interested in their own like there's just regular fucking people right that's all right you're a spy yeah so the thing is uh i well listen guys i thought this might suck hey i mean no because and joe said i janey says to me before the show he's like dude i joe booked the show and i'm like oh boy Oh boy. Joe. Joe knows two things good. Three people have been here 10 years.

You've never heard of any of us. Yeah. Well, he goes, Danny, when Danny starts laughing, I'm like, oh, this is going to be. Danny's like, I just want to let you know. Joe booked the show. It's three people you've never met. You don't know them. I'm like, what?

I'm not one. He goes, no, Joe thought it would be interesting if you had people. And you know what? It was fucking interesting. And it was fun. And it was good. And I still think you're so adorable. Listen.

That's fine. That shocked the fuck out of it. I mean, it did too, too, you. I could see you, I could see a building. And then I was waiting for the climax of the episode. We've all enjoyed watching this unfold before our eyes many times. Well, no. So let's check out your dates.

You can see Turner on a nationwide. Wow, nationwide. Wow, dude. Look at that. Wow, Turner. That is unbelievable, dude. Where are you going to be? Tell us where you're going to be.

Level Land, Texas. April 17th, Boston, Massachusetts. It's the 9th, May 9th, Walnut Port, PA. I'm learning as you are. Jim Thorpe, you're doing Jim Thorpe. That's a beautiful theater. Is it? Yeah, it's awesome.

I don't know if that's what I'm doing. Hopefully. It's just, that town is fucking, it's like a town out of like, like Santa, Santa Claus town in the middle of nowhere. Oh, really? Yeah, go early. Okay. And bring your girl, bring your wife.

If you go and go get dinner and hang out. Oh. Oh, it's a town. You're going to pull it. You drive through. fucking nowhere. And then you pull into this town and you're like, what the fuck is this?

It's like a European town. I brought my wife there for her birthday weekend. It's so nice. No way. Yeah, dude. Oh, okay. I'm pumped. So that's June 4th.

All right. You really lost the promotional skills you had to China. I can't. June, I'm like, what is six? All right, let's go. Next one. Make sure you go to what's your website? TurnerSparks.com.

I got a new special out. It came out on Friday on Drybar Comedy. And it's available at Turner Sparks. So you're crystal clean because that's dry bar. Yeah, I'm clean. You're clean. That's great. Good for you.

Thanks, ma'am. Pussy. I, uh, I was smarter people can do it. You have a face that should be clean. I wouldn't buy. If you started talking about pussy and shit, I'd be like, yeah, I don't buy. You know what? Early in my career, I would try to go dirty.

It would always bomb. It doesn't work. It didn't work. And I'm like, you have to be yourself. Yeah. And you're not a dirty guy. No, I'm not. All right.

Speaking of dirty guys. What are you got? Oh, that's me. Oh, that's me. Oh, that's you. This is a feminine drag persona. Yeah. Yeah, that's me.

So I do a lot of, like, data science and political science communication. I try to use comedy to make data more fun. Right? You can follow me at Jones Roy, J-O-N-E-S-R-O-O-Y. So what do you mean by that? What is that? Well, so... Would you have, like, little seminars or something?

Yeah, I give lectures through lectures on tap once a month at bars around the city and give talks around the country. Can we see it on YouTube? Yeah, you can see it on YouTube. I want to see some of those. I want to check that out. That's interesting, too. Yeah. my friend. Oh, scroll up a little bit.

That's my special that came out this year. Okay. Two wrongs. And I got another one. Top Gus. Top Gus? Sure, dude. He's using this slang. Yeah, I know. Like top gun. What's your next one? Bottom Gus? Copyhole Gus.

Dude, here it is. I have a theory that you can be so intelligent, it makes you gay. You're so smart that you go. all the way around. Yeah. Right? Where did you go to college? University of Miami.

Boo. Connecticut College? Yeah. Princeton. They're all gay. They're all gay. Well, it's not that you just have to be. I mean,

you're stat intelligent where it's like, just pussy doesn't make sense. That's right. I take it as a compliment. I do, too, dude. Well, you know, I do too. You're a fantastic looking young man. Thank you.

It's the cheekbones, I think. We're all jealous of those. Cheap bones. You got nice cheekbones, too. Thank you. Darling. Like a smart broad, too, you know. Yeah.

All right, get a room. It's a very small room. Like China. Oh, yeah. I mean, Suffern, Greenpoint, Elmira Heights, New York Comedy Club. All right, there you go. Make sure you check these guys out. If you have a chance, go to their websites, follow them on social media.

Tell them that you heard of them from the YKWD podcast. Let them know what's up. This has been a very interesting show. We're going to go to my dates now. Where am I? I'm going to be at the Comics Roadhouse in Connecticut, at the Mohican Sun. on the 17th and 18th. I think Cody and Paco are going to be opening for me there.

Uncle Vinnie's on April 24th and 25th. And then I'm going to hilarities, one of my favorite clubs in the world, the 15th and the 16th. I got a one-night show. If you scroll down a little bit, I'm going to be at Stanford, Connecticut, at New York Comedy Club. One show only on a Thursday night.

And then I'm doing a little tour of Holland Wolf in New Orleans. And then I'm going to Crescent Theater in Mobile, Alabama, Alabama. So make sure you go to punchup. Live slash Robert Kelly For all my dates, my specials up there Everything goes up there Everything me is at punchup. live slash Robert Kelly

And what do you got, Joe? Just go to Jokes Russell on YouTube. Nice. Danny. Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff And I'm doing a little tour Co-headlining in the Midwest April 23rd through 24th

April 23rd, 24th and 25th in Detroit, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Michigan in South Bed, Indiana. Oh, my little boy's grown up. Oh, little boy's headlining. Co. Sounds great.

What? Oh, co-headlining. You're co-headlining. All right, well, you're not headlining. How's Alabama? Have you done that? That mobile Alabama, that's it. I haven't done that room.

I called my friend up who does the gig in Louisville. Does it Louis? No, it's, where is it? Oh, I know who you're talking about. He runs rooms down around that Shreveport. Yeah, I forget the name of it. Anyways, it's going to be a great, great time. I just want to go down south a little bit to see what's happening.

do a little. I like doing, you know, my favorite clubs every year, like going back, you know, side splitters and, you know, Vassanis and, you know, Comedy Connection, Rhode Island and Boston and blah, blah, blah, laugh it up and stuff like that. And then I like just fucking off and doing some weird rooms, you know. That sounds cool. Yeah, I like doing that. Just go in. I don't care if it's 200 people, 50 people, go in, fuck around, one show, one night, come and see me.

If you, you know, and then go smoke a bat somewhere and get some food and fucking hang out. All right, that's the end of the show. Please subscribe on YouTube. Follow all these people and go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. We'll go on there right now. We've got questions for these people. Ask from the fans on Patreon. And we do an extra show there, me and Joe, every week.

So we give you a lot for your money over at patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. So if you're a fan of the show, you want a little extra content. You want to ask people on the show. you want to ask us anything go there and become a member we use all the money to pay danny's autism bills very expensive and buy and buy joe cheese for a show i support all the cheese on his show i don't know if people know that it's my money that you guys give me that i that show exists uh he like and gud is expensive right now with all the tariffs so anyways uh we'll see you guys over on patreon if not we'll see you guys next time on you know what dude