Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #635 | Rachel Feinstein & Keith Robinson

Episode Date: April 19, 2026

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All right, now I'll tell you that story. I got a phone call one day. I wanted to make this thing. It's a way for other comics to show themselves. Oh, that's right. You're not hosting your own show. They did them dirty. I already figured out a way to put it up somewhere else.

You thought about bringing it back. All the time, I need your and Tom's help. You guys ready for this? Okay. It's a fucking crazy night we're gonna have here. Shit's about to go down. Hello. And we're here to talk, Paul.

Story-telling shows telling true, true stories. Word to word what happened. My favorite. We tell them the story. My story is a love story. It's about my first three. Bad first date. About ball.

Football. Got arrested. Um, shit in your pants. What the fuck? What the fuck it's going on? That's my story. Don't think about it. Just laugh.

It's funny. Ah, shucks. Please get it out. Mr. Tony H. H. Sclaviton. Tony Higlaw and Tony McGillis. John Lamar. Reach.

He was terrible. You're just what you told me. Oh, yeah. Give me all of that. That would have been the all-time best story to tell on this show. Yeah, baby, we're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You Know What Dude Live.

Welcome everybody to the show. YKWD live. I started a social media podcast. The fact. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. This is it. And we're live.

What's up, everybody? It's You Know What Dude Podcast. live at the Comedy Seller Studios Above the World Famous Comedy Seller. And it's already starting out. You know what? It's already starting out. Starting out great.

I'm going to say this. No, don't say it. Don't do it. Don't say it. Don't say what? What you're about to say? Just don't say it. So you don't like being truthful.

on a podcast. My thing, I'm all about the truth. All right. Rachel is a whore. Stop! What do you mean? Stop saying Rachel's a whore. She's a lovely girl.

You'll be here in a few minutes. Where is she? She was just here. Don't say it. I hope you choke. She's in the bathroom. Telling that so far. What are you?

You hoarded a few minutes. ago. She got to give her something nice clean up. What's wrong with you, man? What's wrong with you? One man, two strokes. Now, why didn't, why did you guys not open Keith's bottle of water for him?

Because it was an overthought. And there's no meritocracy. Oh, there's she is. There's Rachel. What's up, Rachel? We got Keith and Rachel on the show tonight. that Keith knows what meritocracy means. You didn't know how to say it. Deep moron.

He barely got up. I heard him mangling it. It was a... Maritans. What does it mean? He tries those words out on prostitutes before he uses him on podcasts. He tries him on toots first.

Why do you show up like a traveling mom with all your cords and shit? What is this? She's not a travel. Stop it. She's not a traveling mom. Rachel is traveling. Don't say it.

Dude, Rachel. He's a fucking toxic purse. Keith is a fucking Nazi. You're a Nazi. He's fallen us around. So Jockau comes by the cellar to like celebrate Hanukkah or whatever and he brings him a menorah, which is hilarious. He's a fucking jackass. He just travels around with him.

Probably try to try to get pussy or whatever. But Keith in the middle of a dress guy was singing the Hebrew blessings, Keith was like, the Jews will not replace us. The Jews will not replace us. anything with a good tune I'm winning From the River to the Sea is very catchy It's hilarious It's very catchy

Oh, gosh, you're motherfuckers Why? No, first of all, how are you later than Keith? Well, I have no answer for that. I can't really defend it. Yeah. How are you not here before him? Well, I just thought he would be late.

I thought somebody had to roll him up the stairs in a fucking carpet. I didn't know. I was trying to roll him up the stairs in a fucking carpet. I'm trying to make way for whatever his home, his, his home attendant to help him up. You don't roll up. You roll down. They have to put you in a carpet and push you up.

They got to, they're going to put a bucket outside and like the old days with ice. Can you put the headphones on so when you know that you're not talking? I'm talking. This is the problem with all my friends, Rachel? What's that? They're all going fucking old. They're just getting old. Rachel's not old.

How old are you? Rachel's. Rachel's only 32. She's 57. She's not 57. I'm clubbing colleges. I'm feature age. Rachel is 57.

We've been of 57. 57 is fucking, you're a fucking asshole. Unfortunately, my... I love that he called you a whore. It didn't get you mad. He caused you 50s. That's a compliment.

I'm not in my fucking 50s. He called you a 57. You're fucking snapp. Rachel, you're lying bitch. I'm not at my fucking 50. You are in your 50s. That is horrifying. No, it's not horrifying.

I would so much rather you call me a slut than say I'm in my 50s. Like a fucking cum-guzzling slut. You're in your 50s. No, you guys are old because I remember when I'm about to be old. But I remember when I started and you, you know, you had some swagger. You were in some kind of propeller hat and you were really coming up at the fucking cellar. You started stand up in 1910. Heath was the head writer for Sanford and sons.

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Remember when you took me on a road trip and then you started slowing down and you're like, I'm going to rape Rachel. I'm going to rape Rachel on this grashy knoll here. So I put up, what? And then he goes, because my dad's a civil rights lawyer, he goes, I'm going to rape Rachel and I'm going to have a dad defend me. He goes, I'm going to call him up and I'm going to say this is the case that's going to make you a star.

That's back in the day when comedy was comedy, baby. Good comedy. It was good. Keith is a piece of shit. We know this, Rachel. But look at me. I'm going to call, I'm going to say, Mr. Fuzz, Stud. This is the case that's going to make you a star.

That's why people wonder why when, by the way, right before Keith had a second stroke on top of a hooker and where was it, Tampa or whatever, who cares? Was it on top of a hooker? No. Of course it was. He's a liar. Remember that everything Keith says is an active life. That's true.

Right before he flew to fucking fall asleep on some poor girl traumatize her for life right after he started to come and flap around on top of her, right before he did that, do you know what he was doing? He was shaming me for working outside during COVID to try to make money. It's like, you're a bad mom. How could you do it? You shouldn't be near people. Meanwhile, he was getting on a plane to go get like sucked off in Florida. You're a piece of shit.

Oh, absolutely. She's trying to make a living, probably wearing a mask, outside where it's safe, and you're going on a plane? He said I was a bad mom and a disgusting slut for doing like an outside show in Jersey. Meanwhile, he was literally on his way to get ahead in Tampa. Like, first of all, it's like, find some fucking local tooth. Can you find Woodbridge pussy, you fucking old coot? Yeah. She's lucky he drove her to the hospital.

She should just put a sign on him and said stroke number two in like a Sharpie and just rolled him out. Just left him in the room like a piece of gum. What's wrong with you, dude? Well, she's hurting my feeling. I know you got a little soft. You told me I was a bad mom at a disgusting slut. You were going to get ahead. He said you were 50.

50 was the mutton that hurt. Honestly, the rest of it didn't really mean too much. What was? You have to learn to not look at that shit. The good stuff and the bad stuff is not for you. It's for them. Oh, you're right, Bobby. Sometimes I just worry that boys don't think I'm worth it.

You've got to learn. to look at your birthday. You're right, it's time you've got the bad boys out of my life. People that are toxic shouldn't have access. Wait a second. You invited me here with the biggest asshole of all times. Pete, how does that feel that you are, you are well-known? You've passed the point of being just an asshole that people don't like.

Now people love you for the piece of shit asshole that you are. How does it feel to be the biggest asshole in the business? How does that feel? Well, you know what? For years, I had my main man, Matrice. and they always blame him. Yeah, because you whispered in his ear. Yeah.

As soon as he sat down, you'd be like, yo, look at Rachel. Oh, look at Bobby's fat gut. And then he'd lay into us, and you'd just sit back in the cut like an old pimp. You're damn right. There was a waitress once at the cellar, and she was pretty hot, you know,

and she had her tits out a lot, right? She showed a lot of cleavage. Keith has said some of the meanest things I've ever witnessed people. He goes, you know, you got, I don't care about your tints, I got no thank you, cleavage. No one needs it.

He's like, hey, you got no fangs, cleavage. They're not taking it anymore. They don't want your tits. Like, fucking. This woman, she's like, you know, she's getting ready to wait tables. She fucking put hoist her cans on a plate. Have this asshole say that to her? No, I think, you know, I almost got to fight today.

With what? With what? Yeah, like a robot? What would you fight? One of his nurses. He was trying to hump on them in the bath again. Look, I'm not. mean that was that hurt

do you not sexually harass your nurses there's no way there's no way you try not to you just didn't there with your dick out I can't get it back in I can't get it back in you got to get the big boy back in my pants but you got to get it hard first

no no parking attendant oh yeah on the Indian there's a lot of innings and parking attendants but they really don't give a fuck they don't I put on extra lympho.

For my, you know, I was extra strokes. Right. They don't care. I'll do like that. I said, what are you doing? The guy said, ah, and looked at me now. And they wrote it anyway. Yeah.

He gave you a ticket, really? Yes. That's actually pretty crazy. And I put on my best stroke that I've ever had. I was like, I dragged my foot across. Show us your best stroke, please. That's my best stroke Indians don't care, man

Indian I got I had a guy at the airport Behind me with a cart We were in line to go to the ticket counter And he kept hitting my Achilles with this cart And I kept looking back Like what the fuck And he hit it again and again

Finally I go hey can you stop hitting with my He went don't yell at me And I went But you're hitting me with a cart in my achilles He goes don't yell at me I was like but you keep He goes don't yell at me You say it nicely.

I go, but you're hitting me with the... Don't yell at me. He was ready to fuck me up. Indians don't give a shit. I have rules in life. What's your rule? I have a rule on the podcast. I have a fuck your rules.

Why don't you put the headphones on? I'm not putting shit on. Why? Because it'll fuck up your... No, I'm going to have a stroke. What does that do with headphones? It makes me dizzy. Yeah.

Come on, boys. There you go. You're making a bunch of retards. There you go, boys. No, my rules in life, I'm never going to lose to any guy. That's one of your rules. That was the first one. I can't wait.

I want all your rules. What's the next one? Never fall asleep near a prostitute? What's the next one? Just keep eating. after your first stroke and drinking? Your AIDS to yourself. Never lose, so you...

I never lose a fight to you used to be a fat guy. Is that me? Is that me? You know what? Fuck you, dude. Fuck you, dude. Woo-wee. By the way, you're

you're fatter than old bobby now. Fatso. Keith is fat. Keith is fat. He put up weight right before his special. I never seen someone gain weight for a special. Oh, you see this?

It's true. You did get fat for you. We got fat for a special. This bitch is getting on my nerves. Fuck you. Not only did my age always get switched with the famous sculptor. I get offers for her and then I get softly unoffered the thing. So like they called me up and they were like, shut up for a second, you fucking asshole.

They were like, they call me up and they were like, hey, do you, Oprah wants to meet you. Okay? And you got excited. Okay, you walk different if you think Oprah wants to meet you. All right? I was fucking skipping along for weeks. You know, I had a whole new sense of self-esteem. I was dating this guy.

I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm going to this special dinner with people that Oprah's intrigued by. It was basically like Oprah's muses or some shit. Then my fucking agent calls me afterwards, and he's like, hey, look. It's actually not you. It's the sculptor, Rachel. Oh, fuck. And then after that, after that, then they were like, then I go to this meeting and my age got got switched with her against it.

Not only do I get fucking rejected by Oprah. And by the way, she gets my offers. So this bitch is like, fucking discuss it because they're like, hey, do you want to play fucking Uncle Funnies? For $3,500? Yes, $3,500. All right, all right, there we go. You know that Keith loves you.

You know that. I don't give a shit if Keith loves me. People, Bobby, but you've booked me on a podcast with. I thought you were friends. No, we are. But I just, you're not, you don't like Keith. No, but you're just saying that. I can't, like, expose myself to it.

I am exposing myself to it by Ubering over here. I thought you were Keith. And I thought you and Keith were friends. No, we are friends, but. Well, it sounds like... Can we move on? You know, Keith. This is what Keith does.

He's never been a friend to any of us. Oh, I know, I know, I know. He's a... I love Rachel. I know you love it. With all my heart. Oh, Keith, you're all right. Keith, you're okay?

Oh, no. What's wrong, buddy? I'm having another stroke. How funny would be if he had a stroke right now? Would you leave him or would you want me to call the hospital? The funniest part about all this, Bobby, is that I might seem especially hysterical. Maybe I'm overreacting because, you know, we know that Keith, this is a long history of abuse. Yeah.

But I texted him today and I was like having a really bad day. I'm glad I'm doing this. And he was like, yeah, it'll be good. But you know him. You know Norton. You know Colin. You know Voss. They're the meanest people to ever walk Earth.

And the greatest thing is is that he took Patrice and he tried, God tried to take Keith twice. but it didn't work because he is Satan. No, it's not, it's not time, man. What is it, man? What is it, man? You know what I mean? I'll tell you what the meaning thing I had happened to me. What?

I mean, I went on first. Yeah. Then I'll say, well, girl, went on second. And somebody wrote in and we can't deal with two, two hands. two handicapped in a row. What are y'all trying to do? We can't do it, two handicapped. And they apologize.

Oh, we're sorry for having two handicapped. Saladin? Yeah. No one was like, I'm sorry. I won't do that again. That's what they said to us for years. They say, we can't put a woman on. We just had one.

They're like, we can't go vaguely. We can't put two holes on in a row. It's redundant. I do still agree with that. And they still make us call our tours bleeding across America, like punch. pumps and punch lines or some fucking humiliated garland. No, but it really, that was a real thing.

Yeah, well, you know. I don't know what I'm saying, you know. Well, nobody really wants to deal with sympathy laughs for that long. Whoa. I'm sorry. Did I say something? No, come on, man. That just hurt.

Look, you can only go, ha, ha, ha, ha. No, they don't, you know. Now, who did, did she do better than you? Was her handicap better? No, I'm. I'm new with this handicapped shit. She had it since you had. So, you know, I'm the motherfucker of a handicaps.

And what about her? What was her handicap? What? She was born handicapped. With what? I don't know. Well, what did she do? I ain't going to ask her.

Wouldn't I make hers? Like, hey, bitch, what do you got? Can't you guys do that now? No. Don't you? I can't do that because I'm normal. You're not normal. Can't you do it?

No. I mean, that was a real thing. Right. I don't know. Just burp in the middle of that sentence. I'm sitting here like, God, maybe, maybe.

That was perfect. I'm a handicapped. Can I be, can I be honest with you, though? And I mean this from my heart. Yeah. Two handicapped people in a row at a comedy show is taxing.

What the fuck is that? Isn't that just a kill Tony episode? Hey, oh, Danny. Oh, who's that? That's Danny. That's Danny. Why do all your... Interns or producers?

Interns. No, people... People you... Get it out. People you use... You can't get out. I'm fucking retarded. No.

I'm serious, though. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, watching two handicapped people go up back to back, it's like you're raising money for something. What the fuck is that? I'm just saying. I'm on a handicapped show to 24. What's it called?

Handicable. Is it really? No, something like that. Laugh if you can. And Lincoln, in um theater Lincoln Theater no shit

so it's all handicapped comics Yes Oh that should be fucking Are you gonna hit on them all? I don't fuck one handicaps Have you ever found a handicapped girl That you thought was hot? That's great

Um I'm sure Yeah that you were like hey Yeah I'm sure Yeah Would you have sex with a handicapped Oh speaking of which When we were boxing one day

He boxes? Well, this is before he... Bobby was boxing. They fell asleep on the... He stroked out on the prostitute. Bobby was boxing with us. I saw Keith at the cellar once after boxing. This is when he was running...

He was doing more toots per night. Say to another comic at the cellar that... Okay, I saw him after we were boxing say that he should be careful because that prostitutes were doing this new thing where they put some sort of something on their tits that would make you pass out so they could take your wallet. Is that what happened?

And it was like, I thought he was having this kind of mentoring relationship or helping him with his acts because I was like, oh my God, he's being gentle for once and like whispering or being kind to someone or delicate. And then I get closer and he's like, yes, you got to be careful with these twos, you know. They're putting something on their tits now that makes you pass out. Was that a thing? You know what? I swear to go out.

Oh, yeah, Bobby's pretending like this. Was this a thing? Bob, you've been to do you. All right, now let's go to a call. What? You've been tooting for a lot. That's Kevin Brennan. What are you talking about?

You stopped to-tutin when to marriage and all that. What is tootin? Tutton, prostitutes. Wait. Oh, prostitutes. Did prostitutes? Let's ask Norton. No, I, I've done a prostitute here and there.

But what? I like, I like, I'm laughing. Here and there. But they will put spark holes on there. And then if you suck the tities. Yeah. Whoever sucked of prostitutes tities, that's gross. No, it's not.

Yeah, it is. You have to. No, you don't. You have to suck their tip. Why do you have to? Is that a thing? Yeah, I'm not going to suck a tit with sparkly's on it, too. And then I'm going to have sparkles on my tongue.

Don's going to be like, why is your tongue look like a troll tongue? Be like, ah. Well, no, you're very now. You don't do that now. You goddamn, right, I don't. Yeah. I don't have any sex now. How much sex do you have?

What? Not very much. What? How many, how often do you ask? What? Do you ask for it? I don't ask. What do you mean?

Like, do you want to have sex tonight? I don't ask. Where, what happens? This is why you're not in your 50s because you're asking dumb questions. Is that 50-year-old, no? Right. Is that when you hit menopause and when you go through shit, you kind of like don't want to, you got a, you know,

plus we have a 12-year-old. So it's a little tough right now. but hopefully in the next couple years. I think a lot of married people aren't having that much. Well, I think that in the next, stop staring at me. In the next couple years, I would like to get back into it a little bit,

but I don't know if it's going to happen. If it doesn't happen, I'm going to ask for a pass. You actually think that the second. That is so sweet that he likes his wife that much, so he's like, oh, maybe I'll have a second wave. I'm delusional. At some point she's going to look at me and go, yeah, no, now.

Well, because I got... There's no second wave, dumbass. Why do you mean? Why not? It's over. Well, there's a lot of couples that have second wave. Last time we had sex, which is a while ago, he lasted three minutes and then came, jumped up from the bed. Three minutes, it's a long. And then he goes, and then he goes, you can put that in your skit.

I'm like, oh, fuck off, Pete. I'm laying there like throbbingly lonely and he goes, come by, you can put it in your skin, it'll be good for your little routine there. Yeah, every time he devastates me, he'll be like, yeah, you can put it in there. Or it comes too quick, just put it in your fucking comedy routine talent show.

You know this from having a kid. You know this from having a kid. Having a kid is like such a crazy all day thing. By the time they get to bed, I'm just done. The last thing I want to do is fucking touch somebody. I just want to go to bed I want to want more cuddling

I want to some Don doesn't even cuddle with me We were on the couch We were on the couch yesterday and I I put my like we were lying together watching the show And I put my hand on her hand And I felt her say Stop touching me

I felt her say it I was like rubbing her hand And her hand was just I was like this And I was like this And she just sat there like There was hot shit in her hand She wanted me to stop

Yeah So I just stopped. But I'm hoping someday maybe there's... It's over, Bob. Come on to stop. I'm going to divorce her as soon as Max is out of the house. I'm going to go marry a bimbo in Florida with nice cans. I want to marry a chick that has a lot of money down in Florida.

Now, you gotta have a lot of money. I want to marry stuff. I get very attracted to, like, emotionally unavailable, like, coaches when a guy's, like, how disturbing is this? When men look, like, I... This is getting so much, so much sadder that I'm here. You know, when there's... There's like a guy of the sidelines really angry. The coach was with the clipboard.

He's like stomping back and forth. I think that might be my type. I like that's really angry about something I don't understand. Like I don't even understand the mechanics of football. He'll end up dating Bill Belichick. She's too old. She's still over. She's still over the Bill Belichick.

He doesn't want a 44-year-old. Yeah, Bill Belichick is a pedophile. You got to marry a nice fucking nerd. Yeah. You got to get a... He's already married. For my next act. Come on.

for her next deck. Pizza, pizza alpha, dude. The guy who goes, I put that in your skit. Fucking came in two minutes. People are always like, oh, does he care what you say

about him on stage? I'm like, not only does he not care. Every time he does something that pisses me off, he goes, oh, but it's for you, you're putting your skit. Put in your things. Put in that thing you do on stage.

Oh, no, he doesn't care at all. He's like, yeah, I don't think he's ever attempt to, like, pleasure me. He's just kind of like, oh, this is done right? You'll all circle back with you of you.

He always gives me like an I-o-o-you. He's like, yeah, get to you, don't worry. He'll be like, I really phoned it in, right? Like, he doesn't care. She treats her like a coach. First story, yeah. All right, listen, you're going to play today. You ready to do it?

Oh, God. Keith, you, are you, let me, I have a question about you. Are you, are you dating people? Do you have a girlfriend? No, I date animals. What the fuck you mean? I'm not dating people. Are you dating anybody?

right now, no. First of all, he would not tell you if he was because either he's working on multiple girls at the same time and he doesn't want to fuck his Puss possibilities up. He's crunching the numbers right now in his mind. Do you think he has a pussy posse? I think that he has people that he thinks he can fuck even if he's not actively fucking

or like a prostitute that he thinks has feelings for him or something like that. But he doesn't want to mess his numbers up. What? When you get old enough, you don't think you can fuck. You gotta know you got to catch. Do you got it? Of course.

You still got fucking. Yeah, a little bit. You got a little fucking? He said, cute. I got five years. Five of you guys of fucking? Yeah. When was the last time you had some?

A month ago. You had sex a month ago. Yeah. How much it would cost? Look at his, when he smiles like that, he's a lie. It ain't cost shit. Come on, you paid for it. Oh, you dumb motherfucking.

Sorry. Okay, wait, what else was I going to say? Oh, yeah. So he, he, he fucked this one girl, and he was like, so he was hooking up with his one girl and then he used to make her, he would go to the comedy club and he used to make her wait in the car, remember? It's because he wanted to hang out with his friends.

And then she came in from the car and he told her to go back out again. I fucking respect that. He was like, nah, nah, I told me in the car, to car. He would fucking make her wait. And then she would wander in all curious, like she wanted to snack or something. He's like, no, back to the car. He'd make her go back.

Because he wanted to have fun with his friends. He made this. I respect that. Do you remember when you used to do that? I've been fucking for years, man. Oh, shut the fuck up. Let me ask you this. How long you been...

How long what? How long you've been fucking? I've been fucking for a long time. Ew, you're fucking both disgusting. Imagine a woman walking around and saying, yeah, I've been fucking for... Ew. By the way, imagine a woman doing any of the shit, you guys do. All the shit.

Why are you clubbing me in with him? Sorry, you're right. You're not. You're a separate. You're a separate. Bobby had a bad chapter. He had a bad boy, like, Fawn's chapter. Keith is evil to his court.

You had, you had a few bad years where you are. Yeah, but you retired? I retired. Yes. When do you? The thing is, you think Keith's going to go to, like, therapy or examine anything? When do you retire, Bob? I retired.

How long have I been married? Oh, my God. I retired 20 years ago. Bobby, wait, so that was, that was a real thing. With prostitutes, the tip thing? 20 years. Was that a real thing with prostitutes, the tip thing? Yeah, we used to...

Well, Keith was my mentor with dirty sex shit. God, you've done that to so many guys. And like men that are engaged, you'll bring them over. And you'll be like, yeah, it's worth the truth. I've told the story so many times. When me and Dawn had a falling out, let's call it. And she basically... You devastated her and were in...

And then she was like, no more of your horseshit, if you want it. I'm leaving or you get your shit together. So I call all my friends. I called Colin. I called Keith. I call Patrice. I called Dane. I called Billy.

And they all said, let her go. They all said, you should let her go. Keith, especially, I remember what he said. You're a piece of shit. Just be a piece of shit. And let her go find somebody she deserves. She's a good girl. You're a piece of shit.

Be a piece of shit. Except for Colin Quinn. Colin Quinn said to me, dude, try. Give it eight months a year. Try. after that time, if you're still a piece of shit, but you can at least try.

If you don't, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Yeah. And I said, I'm going to try. I took Colin's advice, not his advice. And I went to therapy, blah, blah, blah. So I went to Philly with Keith. I was doing the punch sign. He said, I want to take you to breakfast, man.

And we take it. So we went for breakfast, and he took me a really nice place, this diner. I hop. No, it was like the cosmic diner or something. Yeah, yeah. You remember. I remember because it really meant.

started talking to me about relationships and stuff and he's like that's good you're doing that man you you're trying to get you start respected and that's good for you and I was like ah man we had this great conversation goes I got to get a pair of sneakers take a ride with me and I was like all right and I was all happy and we went driving around

and we pulled up to a brownstone street and we there was downstairs and I was like there's a sneaker place there's a sneaker place down here he goes yeah it's down in the basement and we went down in and as soon as we walk in some Asian lady comes out, hello, come with me, come with me, and grabs me by the hand and takes

me into a room and takes him into a room. And I'm sitting on the bed and I'm like, oh no, this is a jerk off place. Oh my God. I'm sitting in the bed and she lies me down. She goes, okay, you take a clothes off. And look at the true joy in Keith's eyes right now. And I'm lying there. I literally went, I can't. And I jumped up and I ran out front. I was breathing heavy. He came out. He was just So like, ha ha, stupid. I almost got you. He tried to ruin my life. You understand?

What a fucking piece of shit he is? I wanted to see how strong you are. Yep, well, I was. And then you left? I left. Wow, that's amazing. I left, and he didn't think I had it. He goes, I wanted to test you to see if you were doing it.

I think it's so disgusting, first of all, that you want to go watch your friends. Fuck, I just can't relate to anything less. Obviously, I'm a prude as it is. What are you talking about? Okay, for some reason, in my mind, Keith is peeking in, and that's like half the reason he's doing that. No, he was going to get a hand job, too.

Oh, but why do you guys have to do it like in a field trip? It's just so stupid. I didn't want to go. Why do you get, like, bust there together? And you're dumb fucking, remember you guys also go to South America to go, like, fuck horrors down there. And then you would be, Brazil. He corrects the fucking.

You can't just fuck anywhere. Yeah, but again, it's like, why are the kicking of me? Yeah, The fact that you're taking some sort of like, it was like you did a year abroad, but it was just to fuck a horse at another land. Like you were studying whores abroad. First of all. Together. It was so gross that it was a group vacation.

It was a friendship retreat, I think we called. Ew. It was a friendship retreat of bonding and friendship and whores. Men are so unimaginably foul. Like every time my husband's a bathroom, I just assume he's looking at some sort of unspeakable haunting porn. You know, and that there's like I just, I'd look at everyone and I'm like, I know. how revolting you are, but then I think of those vacations, and I'm like, I don't really know.

Like, girls don't look at the point. Because you guys were popping gonorrhea fucking meds. Happy birthday to you. It's fucking, we were a popper garret. We were taking the gondaria. We were just getting Viagra to make sure we pleasured those horrors. We don't go there with a limp dick.

I don't understand. Yeah, why you want to make it a group field trip. It's just, it is. It's gross. It's pretty fucking nuts that we. You need to do it together? Oh, we're going to high five when you're done. I was, it reminds me when I was in school.

People are going to feel so sorry for me after this episode. It's done. But I really like this boy and we went to go make out with these two guys in this abandoned house. This is such a sad story. So my friend fucks this guy. I was under the impression that I had some kind of, like that I was worth waiting for and that I was really special. So this is before I stopped believing in myself. And I was like, so we get to this little room in this abandoned.

house and my friend's in like a sleeping bag with her guy across the the room and then I was like we have to go to a separate room we can't do it near them again men always like want to be kind of near each other and like gaze at each other in between thrusts or something I think that's disgusting so they go to another room we stay there I was like listen we can't do anything we can cuddle and make out but that's it if you think you have a better opportunity tonight to get lead go ahead I was like you know kind of like her sexual attorney I'm like it's not a great deal if you think you're going to get a better deal elsewhere go take it but he was like no no no I really care about you, blah, blah, blah, we made out for hours. I was, like, in love with him. I leave the place of my friend. My friend, fuck her guy. We go back, and I was like,

let's go listen to what they're going to say about us, because I really thought he would just be telling his friend how in love with me. Are you like a delusional? And the guy, because he's like, I've never felt this way. You know, whatever, just lying and lying. I go back to the door, listen it. I just heard him go, his friend goes, did you fuck her? He goes, nah, bitch was on the rag. Are you lied? Yeah, I was on the rag. Yeah. I was on the rag. And I I was like, that's what I boiled down to. Bitch was on the rag and it hurt.

You didn't like that, Keith? No. Whose side are you on? Because Keith would still fuck somebody on the rag. Absolutely. Ugh. Oh, that's gross. Remember when that woman walked in on you cheating and then, or caught you cheating,

and then the next day she broke into your house, poured oil all over your stuff and cut up all your diesel jeans? Is there any way I can send her an edible arrangement? Did you really have somebody? come in. Yeah. What did she do? She cut up all of his jeans and his shirts and his little silk tops that he wears stage tops.

His old fucking. Yes, the ones he got it like Daffey's or, and the Nigerian Jolie Shop. So she came in, cut up all his tops in his little fake diesel jeans, his little true religion jeans. And she put holes in his waterbed or whatever, whatever painting Keith would have, like some velvet corvette on his wall. You have a water bed? Yeah, I'm sure.

Keith, and you live in a, I don't know where, you didn't live in like a toll booth out, No. She got mad at me. For what? Cheating, of course. Okay. How'd she catch you? She just had a, you know.

What a fucking intuition. No, she caught something. Yeah. Intuition. She came into my house, broken. Stabbed. She stabbed. I love her so much.

One of the funny thing is, the girl I was cheating with, I brought her to the house. And she looked at her own. I'm getting out of here. He tried to close anyway. He's like, no, maybe let's lay down there over here at the couch. She won't be back. Don't worry about her. She put rice all over the floor and, like, oil so that he would fall.

She didn't come back. But I ended up pulling a big butcher knife out of the bed. You had a fucker girl with a knife in your hand? No, she had. He pulled the knife out of the waterbed. He's getting sleepy. I pulled a knife out of the bed. I'm like.

You can still spend a night Imagine that image in the head I had me pulling a butcher out of the Oh, you're safe You're safe You're fucking Ah, no worries She's never coming back

Did she have a key? She had a key Yeah Oh God, dude Oh my God Having sex with you was frightening Oh man It was funny

It's terrible There's nothing It's so funny There's nothing funny about that. It's the most tragic story I've ever heard. That's hilarious. No, but I mean, he cheated. He deserved something to happen. She put some rice. She was creative.

It's fascinating. You had rice? She busts my... She probably brought some props with her to help cut things out. She probably brought some sort of crafting kit. I can't believe he had food at his house. The only thing of breaking Keith's house is clothes and an Xbox. Yeah, that was it.

I do think, I remember one night we were all at the cellar and somebody was betting him about if he knew good art and he was like, I know good art, I know fat art, I know my shit, but you know he can get it's real stubborn and he won't give up. He knows he's lying through his teeth, but he can't. So then, I think it was Tom Poppa said, name one artist

in history. And he was like, nah, I know art, my shit's good. He just kept repeating shit like that. He's like, I got good shit, I got shit. You know artists? Didn't say one. Name one. But, you know, come on.

What? Come on what? The turtles. The turtles? The ninja turtles. The ninja turtles. That's how you know. You know artists. You know artists from the ninja turtles. What's the name? I mean, you're going to go. Go ahead. What's the name? Okay.

Yeah. What's another one? You want to play, baby? I want to play one more. Give me one more. Give me one more. You were like, I know my shit. I got good art. He definitely just has like a velvet fucking corvette. He thinks art is like an earthwind and fire poster or something. What do you, name two more artists.

Give us two more. Two more, that's not turtles. What? That's not turtles. But to say that, it's not even like not knowing, but to be like, I got the best shit. I know everything about art. We're not knowing a single artist is wild. Oh, now.

People are going to call in and give me a lot of shit. Oh, no. They're not going to trash you. For not knowing art. They're going to mess with me for not knowing. They're going to talk about her age. You really snapped over that. What's going to happen when you are 50?

What are you going to do? Kill yourself? No, I can't because I'm a mother. Yeah, you can't. No, I just, no. I mean, I think I realize that I realize that at a certain point I'll have to accept that I am sexually irrelevant,

but it's particularly hard right now just because the comments, last batch of comments were pretty brutal. They wrote, and you know when you go to the comments, because I was like, I thought I really killed it. Why do you don't go? I was like, oh, maybe I'll hear what they think of me. Oh, God, you want fucking people to like you. Yeah, I guess.

You know how many? Why don't we all do this? Yeah, but you know, yeah, but you know how many people, there's way more people that like you that don't. There's only like five people that don't like you. Who are they? That was she specific. Me, Jim Norton, Rich Mops. My mom's.

Yeah. As soon as I said the keys went right here. I don't like it. No, everybody has their thing. Like, if somebody says I'm not funny, I don't care. I don't funny. But if somebody says I'm disgusting or not fucking. Do you know how many comments I got when I was a fat tub of shit?

And then when I lost weight, do you know how many comments I get? I was watching my friends make fun of me for being a fat fuck. And then there was a video of me working out after I lost weight. And they were making fun of how much weight I was using. Like I'm a pussy. And it's like, I can't win. I can't win. No, none of us can win.

We all, everybody gets it. We're comics. No, it's true. It's true. None of us. Do you know much shit Billy Burgot? Do you know much shit? Shane gets?

You know what shit Rogan gets? How much shit? Listen, Keith drove me in a car and said, let's not forget. Before we call me thin skin. I still did the gig after he kept pulling the car and me like, I'm going to rape Rachel, this grass and knoll here. And by the way, he kept slowing the car down and being like, I think I'll rape Rachel this nice little pasture.

He's like, I'm going to rape Rachel and I'm going to have a dead defense. Let's not forget that. It was me and Kevin Hart in a car. Well, don't bring Kevin to this. He's doing well. Kevin was driving. I know. I was sparing him.

I was like, he's everything. Why would you drink your successful friend into this podcast? He also took a sandwich and threw it out. Kevin sandwiched through it out of the window. you understand I was in the car driving with him. I got a newspaper and I was reading the newspaper and he grabbed it and threw it out the fucking window on the highway. He threw my book.

I was reading Catcher in the Rye. Like such like a fucking hopeful, dumb book and Keith's like, hey, your little fucking fucking read and bugs me. Because, you know, he can only read menus and flashing lights and stuff. So he fucking grabbed it out of my aunt and hurled it onto the highway and then pretended to read me. That's fucking funny. That's fucking funny.

You threw a book out of the window. I threw the book. And I was like in that critical point during the book. and he threw it right. And you know how Keith gets that pure joy smile? Like there's no regret. Like his eyes crackle even now just thinking about it. How delightful that felt. Then Kevin was like, I want a sandwich, you know? So we were all hungry. We've been on the road for hours. He goes and gets a sandwich. Then Kev starts dressing the sandwich, putting salt and pepper everything out. You know it's going to happen. He's like, ah, that's when I feelin when you're getting ready, you know you're finally going to eat.

That's a good feeling, right? Yeah, sure is. He just fucking grabbed that up his hands, hurled it right out into the highway. And he was laughing like true joy, you know? Yeah. Like a liberating, like, it just, I've never seen him so happy. It is true joy. Yeah. But that's the day we and Kevin got arrested.

And Rachel was playing. Well, on the way back from the gig, Kevin Key started screaming out of the car window. He would do this thing where he, when he wants people, he pretend, he shushes people on the street. So these ladies were walking out. And Keith was screaming out of the window. Shut up. Shut up. Ladies, if you don't mind.

I know it's hilarious. Keep it down, ladies. If you don't mind, keep it down. And, you know, their conversation was bugging him. One lady was like, I've always liked strawberries. And Keith was like, if you don't mind, ladies, just tone it down. Just a beat. So anyway, they kept yelling at them.

And all of a sudden, we started getting followed by the cops, okay? So then they follow us all the way to my apartment. And then we get to my apartment. And Rachel ran an out apartment and left me in a cab. to be arrested. Well, the cops are doing their jobs. No. I'm supposed to stay there and protect you?

What the fuck am I going to do? I asked if I should call somebody or do anything. He called me a white dork and told me to get out of the car. But how did you run? Did you run like this? Oh my God, no. And then run to your door? No, I was like, no.

If I was you, I would have been like, no, please, leave me alone. I don't leave me. And I would have ran to my house. I would have punched myself in the eye. As soon as they were started to find out, I would have been like, the offices, thank you so much. he pulled over to the car and said he was going to break me in that grassy knoll over there, officer. Those other chicks would have came up.

Yeah, they were yelling stuff out the car. No, I went right up to him. I was like, you obviously don't know who my father is. And this man, this man! I pointed right now. I kept asking him, are you sure it's going to be okay? And they were calling me a white dork. Now he acts like I abandoned him in the car.

And I called him as soon as I got upstairs and you didn't pick up. And so then I didn't pick up. Well, I didn't pick up. Well, then, what the fuck? He was in jail. He was in jail. He shit his pants on the car. No. So then I tried to collect money to free him.

What happened is I kept and then having a driver's license. Why? Because he's... Black. No. No, they had license registration. They can go, um,

and right out, I knew he didn't have it. I'm new? Is that what black did you have? I'm new. Um, I knew. I knew. He didn't have it.

Oh, you, he knew. I thought you said he, I'm new. I knew he didn't have it Right So the guy said I'm a A rest camp And I'm gonna tow the car

I say you ain't tolling shit That's good I got my license Yeah I got my registration Right The guy said get out of the car Right

And nothing but the thing I'm getting out of a fucking car You said that Yes Cops love that Not really So I got a car And a cop grab me

Right What fuck you grab me for? I just said I had my license Right Why the fuck you grab me So I started throwing cops around You did Yeah

Okay He started throwing cops around What is Little Kept doing this time Just walking He was sitting on some phone booths Watch for it was a popcorn On a stairwell He was sitting on some up, sorry, phone books,

but she was a popcorn. So, you know, me, cabs watch me bounce cops around. That's what I do in Philly. Are you going to interrupt any of this stream of utter bullshit? That's what you did. Wait, were you really,

were you punching cops for real? I wasn't punching them. I would just redirect them. Oh, like Stephen Segal. Yeah. Akito. Yeah. I was reading.

direction them. Thorn, boom, boom, boom. Now they got me on the ground, they start stoffing me. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right now I'm with the cops. And I'm like,

is that all your motherfuckin's got? They said, no. I have a whole belt full of things. Yeah, they start kicking me more. Then they get out pepper spray. And that's when I said, fuck pepper spray. Didn't you say I eat?

I eat pepper spray. So confusing. Well, you're gonna. I hope you hung up. They gave me eight cans of pepper spray to the face. Jesus Christ, that's horrible. And kick me on my gut. I had some McDonald's rolling in my stomach.

They kicked the shit. They literally kicked the shit out. They pooped your pants. Yeah. No. Then. So. you know,

I go to the hospital. When anybody out here, if you're a fighter of cops in the street and you get pepper spray, make sure you carry milk on you. Oh, my God. Just stop this. So is there but you guys carrying milk in their car?

Well, milk helps out. If you're going to protest. I don't start fucking tell them what snack boxes to pack you from that. Are you all? If you have. Don't break cap. Capri Sons, just don't fucking... If you have

an attitude and a shitty disposition towards police? No, you protest. Right? You know. Carry milk. Yeah. So it helps Can we interrupt this horseship for one second? No, Rachel kill.

So what After that, right? I go back to the Precinct. Precinct. Cab's locked up. They locked him up.

But he's in there with his head down. He interjected. He got crumbs all over them. Like potato chip crumbs? I said, what happened? That jackass had said, a homeless guy wrestled me to the ground and took my potato chips. Look, again, the pure joy in his eyes.

He's this pork cake. I mean. And I'm like, what the fuck? You know? So they let them Cam go. So in comes cornball,

Rachel. Well, what I tried to do, if I'm allowed to speak for a second, is that I tried to get raise money or get money together to go free them, okay? And then I called my dad because he's a civil rights lawyer.

And I'm like, dad, can you help? And I call Colin. I'm like, Colin, can you? help. You know, like, I think they might have been attacked and they're not answering the phone. And then I, and then they eventually call me from jail and Keith's like, I'm like, so here's the plan. Like, I got some cash

together. Keith's like, shut up, you white dork. Go ahead of thing. Let me tell. We're going to tell the news they can't, you know, whatever. I thought like, because he made it seem like it really been abused. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Here's what actually happened.

Where's you come to an attendant morning with something ain't for me? Right. A burger or whatever was. Buddy Bolton. She comes. How does bring a sandwich?

I would have brought him a tacos with hot sauce. Wait, wait a minute. She comes and they, you know, sell the jazz cell. She asked a guy, can he give them something to eat? But this goofball looks around like this. She passed me to burger, and that says, look inside the burger. Did you? That was Buddy's idea.

Buddy Bolton did that. But it is one of the dumbest moments of my life. I did put a note in the sandwich. All right. Look. You put a note in the sandwich? Well, Buddy Bolton did it, but I go off. We're going to get you out of here.

What could you just tell you? I don't know. You could just say, we're going to get you out of here. Why? By the way, don't forget this. And then Shawshank, we definitely what the fuck you're doing? You're an idiot. Wait, we should be asking,

why I was trying to get about it in the first place. Forget me putting fucking loose change in a sandwich in a note. The last thing I would have done is get you out. I want to let you stay there's a long... He'd just trade me in a grassy knoll. Yeah. Where are you going to find a grassy knoll in Manhattan? Why not?

Let me ask you a question real quick. We're going to wrap it up. Are you doing the Kevin roast? I don't think so. Why? Someone on the Patreon just asked if he's going to be part of the Netflix's a stroke festival. You know what? I meant Netflix as a stroke.

That hit later. Actually, is my show sold out? They should do a... I think my show sold out, but I'm not doing it's a show up with Samarrel. They should do a roast with just all handicapped people. It will take seven hours. It would... And Netflix is...

All right, next up, Keith, 20 minutes later. He gets to the podium. I do 35 all the time. Are you not going to go? You have to be. there. It's your little guy. It's your friend. You got to just go. I'm probably going. You should go.

But I did it at Mark Twain Award. Understood. But you should go to the roast and be up there, even if you don't roast. I mean, my name is my name, man. Rachel, there's six tickets left for your show. For my show? Yeah. We're on the ninth? Yes. All right, Danny, can we do that shit later, please? I don't mind. There's six tickets. Why would you fucking tell her that during the show?

It was sold up, but I guess we have six tickets. So you got to. So you got to. going to go, right? Yeah. You got to go. That's going to be epic. That's going to be huge. Get off your phone, Rachel.

No, I need to see if he's really right about my show. I don't care about your show. Get off the phone while the podcast is going on. Right. Can you check Danny again? Well, he'll check out.

We've done in five fucking minutes. Sorry, he brought it up. Jesus fucking cut. Well, I don't get this shit. Get off the phone. Oh, my God. That is pretty bad. Fucking terrible fucking manners.

You have shitty manners. You write about her. Oh, my God. All right. Jesus fucking Christ I checked one fucking text on

I'm buttoning on my show You know it's funny What You got six Sticky's love Oh my God Six

Six They told me It was sold out Six Six And I want to say he's right No I thought it was sold out So I'm that's what I'm checking

Six is sold out By the time They're gonna be gone Don't listen to him He doesn't sell I just said it What Six is sold out

It is sold out It is sold out Well, obviously, Keith, I'm not well. I have fractured sets of deep sense. There's something going on with you. Well, my husband also made a comment about my weight today, so it was like everything at once. What do you say?

I'm trying to lose weight. He said something about your weight? Yeah, that I could shed a few. Oh, my God. Why does he treat you like a, he's your coach? Why does he treat you like? And I just lost like eight pounds. What?

Eight pounds. Jesus Christ. Trying. All right, well, listen. So you're definitely going to be a thing. This is the darkest podcast. I've ever done. You made it dark.

You made it dark. Maybe I did, but... You made it dark. Okay, guys. All right. Okay. Now you make it a dark again. I tried to make a joke.

Now it's all my fault. These are the guys that abuse you and then say you asked for it. God damn it. Shut your face. Oh, fuck all of you guys. Whatever. We love you. All right.

Let's talk back. Go back to talking about Pete saying he's going to rate me in a grassy knoll. All right. Stop saying grassy knoll. And why I bring this all at myself. You're not fucking Kennedy. Hey, where's you? You think he's got, you get raped you in the back seat like a regular rape.

All right, all right, all right. All right, all right. All right, listen, we're going to the Patreon right now, everybody. We have questions for you guys on the Patreon. They're good questions. Give me a question. We got questions for everybody. We do it on the Patreon.com.

Give it a loop. Right now, we got Rachel's dates. Rachel, where are you going to be? Am I allowed to check now, Bobby? I'll be at Fort Lauderdale Improv this weekend. Then I'll be at the DC Improv on the 29th, Tacoma. Comedy Club, Spokane. Does that how you say it?

Yeah, Spokane. United Theater on the 7th. Netflix is a joke, also on the 9th, and the mothership in Austin on the 29th. I won't keep going. You can go to my website. What's your website? Or go to my punch-up page. Punch-Up Live backslash Rachel Feinstein, or

just go to Rachel-Feing-Sign.com. You got to set them to punch up so you get those emails, so you can send it. That's true. Yeah, you got to get those emails. What do you got? I got a lot of shit. I will name one. I got a what? Name one. Baltimore.

What are you doing in Baltimore? You can't just say a city. There's a big city. They're just going to have to hunt you down? No. Does he have a website? No. We couldn't find a website.

You don't have a website? I don't need one on Keith. Why don't you get a punch-up to a live? I don't keep motherfucking robin. What the fuck? Did you still have AOL? I just do shit, yeah. You have...

Why can I... Why do you not upgrade with society and the business in technology. Whoa. I don't know. What is that? Oh, you got that Lincoln Center date. It's handicapped people for handicapped people.

Fuck you, man. What's the name? Fuck you. You're the only handicapped person there. Everybody has autism. There's not one of me. Oh, how many seats are left? I know.

There's a lot of handicapped seats left. All the handicapped seats. What's it? Fuck that. I really are fucking crazy. All right, go to... Was my tit out the whole time? No, just for a little bit.

I caught it, Rachel. I got you. I'm at Comics Roadhouse this weekend, Friday, and Saturday night. Then I'm going to Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant, the 24th and 25th. And then I'm going to hilarities, the 15th, and the 16th. And Stanford, I'm doing one night at New York Comedy Club in Connecticut, Stanford, Connecticut. Make sure you get tics for that.

And then I'm doing Norleyn's Mobile... Mobile Alabama. And I got, of course, governors. And then I'm doing the July 3rd, 4th, and 5th weekend. I will be at the mothership, Saratoga Springs. I'm up there. I got a lot of stuff. Punchup.com.

Live slash Robert Kelly for all my dates. Danny, what do you got? Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff. And I'm going to be doing a little co-headlining tour in the Midwest, April 23rd, Detroit, Michigan, April 24th, Grand Rapids, Michigan, April 25th, South Bend, Indiana, and I get your tickets come out. And what do you got, Cody? this weekend

We don't care 17th and 18 the opening for Bobby at Mohegan Sun and then going to my show New York Comedy Club in Stanford on May 14th I got it

Listen this is what Do you know What are you doing right now? I'm fucking fixing Jesus Christ Leave me alone Bobby I'm taking up shit What the fuck is happening?

You said what are you doing You told me a tit was out I checked myself Am I allowed to do that Bobby? Why do you do it with that? Why was I in trouble? But why do you do it with that the attitude after why you go I'm just checking myself

and I go oh I'm sorry well what else it was pretty obvious why are you snapping at me why are you snapping you go what are you doing right now so I answered because you're on it you're going like this and I'm like all right okay okay you fucking got a my god man

you really set her off tonight you piece of shit Rachel's usually very sweet and nice and funny she did she only did the little voice that I like once you're a piece of shit you fucking snap You fucking made you broker you fucking broker you fucking broker you piece of old shit.

Whoa. You broke her by calling her 50. All right. All right. We'll go to Patreon.com right now. Go there. Call me old asshole. We'll see you guys next time on you know.

You know what, dude.