Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #636 | Che Durena & Marcus Monroe

Episode Date: April 27, 2026

Marcus Monroe & Che Durena join the pod and discuss Marcus's Pearl Jacket and his time working at The Box. Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/Support the show &; get simple, online access to personalized,affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/YKWD Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKW. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day. Where it all started before fun and crazy. This isn't NPR. That's the podcast. What's up, everybody? It's Robert Kelly.

We're back. YKWD. You know what, dude. They're one of the first podcasts in the East. coast. I think in the West Coast, too, you started podcasting. I pretty much for comedians. I would say me and Joe Rogan, you know, one of us did good. One of us didn't. It's all perspective. Yeah. It's all perspective. True. Yeah, we're back here at the Comedy Seller. Danny, this is one of my favorite shows because when I have people on that I really enjoy.

Unlike last week with Keith Robinson. Oh, was that bad? Did he show on you the whole time? I don't like him. Like you actually don't like him? He's a bad person. No. What are you an actor? I'm kidding. Why do you... Everything I say, you're like, really? Is that true?

What is this? What is this? Inside the acting studio? I thought we're having a moment. He's one of my best. No, he's one of my best friends. I love he's a piece of shit, though. Danny, who do we got?

Straight off of his new special coming out in a week. On L.O. Network, we have Chey Doreena and off the Boyfriend's podcast, Marcus Monroe. Hey! What's up, boys? I haven't seen you in a while. Yeah, yeah. This podcast has been around for so long.

I always have, like, the next generation of dudes or chicks, every once in a while. But I got fat tits. But I've always have, and I feel like you guys are the next, you know, I had, of course, Joe and Dan and Lewis. And then, you know, Nate used to come on all the time. All these kids that were doing the creek in the cave. And then they move on. And I, and then there was a gap for a long time. No good comics in New York.

No good comics in New York. Yeah, they all moved to Austin. No, of course. They've all passed me in the business. Ah, what are you going to do? It could be worse. Well, I'm happy to be back, man. It's good to see you. I was telling you when you walked in, you look great. Thanks, man, you look great too. That jacket, I'm going to be honest. Pearls. Yeah.

I don't know if I was molested. No one's never not said a compliment about the jacket. Really? I'm not going to come up. Let me look it from the front. I mean, it's just weird because it's like a letterman, but the pearls are strange for a letterman. The pearls. It's the word pearls.

Let me tell you, I don't, ads don't affect me. Like, I'll go, I'll scroll through videos and I see an ad. Even if it's cool. I scroll past it. I saw this jacket on an ad. I was like, I'm a sucker for a good jacket. I don't like my arms. So I was like, I need a jacket. It's funny because one of the things

we were talking about your arms tonight. Yeah, right. So you want to stay away from that, we can. If you don't mind. Yeah. So I was like, yeah, this jacket is cool. And then so I ordered it. with all these arm questions. I ordered it on TikTok or TikTok or one of the two. And like eight months later it came. I was like,

oh, yeah, that job. Yeah, because it took 13 children to make that in China. The little Chinese kids that were gluing them on, someone fucked them up. Yeah.

You should put that under like a black light and see all the children's blood from putting on the pearls from. I honestly thought it would be like a cool performing jacket, you know, a cool thing to wear on stage, but it's hot. It's like a, it's insulated. It's pretty like,

it's not. It's a nice jacket. I appreciate. The pearls throw people off. The pearls are from women. No, I don't, I see, I disagree with you there. And Prince. You're right. I disagree with you. And Michael.

Ricky Vales rocks the pearls. He's a good dude. Whoa. That came out weird. I'm just telling you. I'm just telling you. I don't think, why the bell? That's the Pearl Bell.

Oh. Anytime so I bought this four pearls. Pearl Jam. Pearl Jam. There you go. Pearl Bell. But pearls are feminine. Yeah.

Yeah. But I don't mind being a little feminine. No, that's fine, but you do under, like, it's, it is like, it just is a strange, it comes up strange. Thank you. No, I'm, I'm positive. Okay. Yeah. Well, thank you.

You really are a fucking serious actor. No. That's the same answer, Matthew McCona would have given. No. No. All right, all right. No. Well, I, I, I am a, I am, sure, I'm a little feminine.

You are. I like the jacket. Here's why. Here's why it's good. Okay. Let's talk about the good stuff. Okay. you, if you're on a subway,

electricity goes out, lights go out. He's glowing. You, someone steals your jacket. You can be like, my pearls. You can do that. I could. You could be the first man in history to go, my pearls. Also, think of how many fucking clams they had to open

to get this fucking... I want to let you know this. They're not real pearls. Well, I know that. I'm going to let you know. They didn't open it. You know what they did. Again, it was the kids making pearls in the pearl factor.

What if this jacket was like, some historical piece that was, and all those pearls are real. And that's things, it's worth $13 million. You know, now I think whenever people are like, hey, that's a cool jacket, I think there's a fucking asshole. Like, I mean, now I think they're.

Oh, they are. They absolutely are. Yeah. Fuck. Yep. No, they are 100%. Look at me and then look at him. Now look back at me. Yes, that's true. Yeah. When they, because they do it like this. Dude, great jacket. There's a little right here, ready? There's a little, right? That little there, right?

I don't care. I like it. I'm going to wear what I like. But I will say, ads to me, they usually don't work. Right. But this one worked.

Dude, I'm an ad guy too, bro. See, this fucking Zinn carrier? See, I've never done Zin carrier. Yeah,

dude, look at that. It comes in a carrier. And you're making fun of it. Look at this. So you open the plastic. That's the exact same. Wait. How hard is it to open the plastic while you're driving?

It's easy. Oh, well, you're driving? Yeah, I drive a lot. Because I have a car and a house and a life and a family. Unlike you, The fucking Zin plastic.

You're making it on my jacket when you have a Zin contain? That's way worse. That's way worse than the jacket. You can put the Zins. You Zins? I don't throw them out in the toilet or the urinals or the street. I put them here. Where do you put yours?

A lot of them. Where do you put your Zins, young man? The normal plastic ones have those. Zins. Where do you put your U Zins? Hold on. Where do you put your U Zins? Hold on.

Not this one. This is the old style. But I have the new one. Okay, but where do you put them? Where I put them in the fucking top. On the bottom. That opens up. On the bottom.

The top that opens up in the plastic thing. Those aren't Zins. Those are Ultra. Yeah, but that's not a Zinn. But Zins have this same technology. Let me see that. Let me see. These are Ultra. They're amazing.

A sponsor of this podcast. Oh, yeah? And I use these all the time because they give you energy and focus. And they taste fantastic. Ultra. What the fuck was that? There's an ad I just did. Yeah, he did.

They sponsored this podcast. Who was it? I use those all the time. They're great. But there's Zins that have this, that have the time. They don't. They don't. I'm going to show you something.

Give me this impact. I know about the bottom. Okay, this is how you have to take a Zinn pack off. Okay, ready? Now, try it. I want you to do it one-handed. We do it one-handed? Yeah, I do.

You did it because you were forced to do it. You asked him to do it. He had a bad childhood. That was rage from his father that doesn't love him. Let's get into that. You know you like this. Look at that. You know you like that.

So this, how do you open this with one hand? You can't do it with one hand. What the fuck is this? What the fuck is that? I'm just saying. Didn't think you were going to do it. You know, I didn't, I don't have a fucking fortune machine. I didn't know what was happening in the future.

I thought you're going to fail. So far, Che is the only one who's not been wrong. Well, that's usually the way it goes when he's on. He's never wrong. He's serious. No, I upset. I upset him sometimes when I talk about how I drank piss. Wait, what you drank piss?

Yeah, I drank piss on camera. Wait, your own piss or what piss? It was someone else's piss. It was a lady's piss. Yeah. Okay. Where are you going now? I'm going deep.

Keep into the story. Yeah, exactly. Go to the story. I'll just give you the cold notes, because the last time we talked about it all the time. Give me the cliff notes. I did. I wanted to do like an original piece of content. And so I had this idea for a blind taste test challenge that was squirt and piss.

And so I had Joanne Angel shoot this video with me. I know her. Okay, yeah, yeah. And she like squirted on me. I caught it in like a funnel and went into a jug and then she pissed in a jug. And then I put a blindfold on. And she poured both. And then I gave me each one.

I had to guess which was which. And did you get it right? I did. I did get it right. Let me ask you a question. Are you touring with this? No, no, no, no. Is there a different taste to squirt?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Because I've always heard that squirt is just piss. Am I not correct about that? Let me tell you. I think it's different. Yeah, yeah, it looks different. Yeah, but he's a connoisseur. Yeah.

To your palate and my palate. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We would never taste the difference. You have to be an expert. I don't have a good palate. No, you don't.

It's like, if I gave you like a leak or like a shallot and you're like, I don't know, like I can do that, but we're piss and sprater. Or reganough or fucking salon. You wouldn't know. He'd know. He's a supertaster. I'm not. I wish I would. So do you like wine? No, he likes piss. Are you listening? He's a piss guy. Baby piss is a gateway. Hey, what's going on, dudes? Listen, when your hair starts to thin, it's natural to worry about it.

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and oral monocidal or finest stride. But the crazy thing is he kind of likes piss because you followed that power pisser. Here's what I like about her. Yeah. It's weird that you're fucking stalking me

on the internet? No, because I saw that followed by Bobby. I was like, you're following her on the main? That's great. I'll tell you why. I like to follow weird people on the internet. This girl on the internet, she's smoking hot.

Really pretty girl. Very fit. And what she does is she just, she'll pull her. panties to the side anywhere and just take a hot fucking, you know, she piss. They can't show that on the internet?

She'll piss onto like her own feet. So it's kind of like just the shot of her feet and water so you don't know if it's really pissed. She's really doing it. She knows how to go away with it. She doesn't show any coochie. She just, see water coming out. You don't know. But she's been canceled once. She got booted once. Well, I wonder why.

She's pissing on herself in public. But the reason why I followed her is because I wanted I was going to send it to If you had this, you could just put it right on top. Yeah, I know, I know. Okay. The reason why I sent it to Jim Norton,

who loves me for it. Yeah. As soon as it, he goes, I love her. It was like sending him fucking candy. Yeah, yeah. Or sending him a pearl jacket. But you followed. That's the wild part.

Why would I know, follow? She's smoking hot. She's pissing on her feet. Can I see? Can we bring up a photo of this? We got Power Pisa? Do we have Power Pissus? You're looking?

They're looking right now. Her new account's called Fit Portuguese. How do you know that? Because this is, that's my, that's what I do. It's fit Portuguese. It's a good idea. Fit Portuguese.

Look that up. Look that on a booker. Is she an American girl that does this? Yeah, she's, I love your curiosity is what I like about you. I'm so fascinated by people and the content they choose to do and continue to do. Well, there's a new thing on the internet that I follow too. It's called Trust Me.

Where a guy, a girl will lie down on the ground like this and he'll piss around her head. Oh, wow. Yeah. What is with all the pissing? Because, man. Is that like a thing you like? No, I don't, I don't not, I, here's why I draw the one. Oh, yeah, he's stuttering.

Here's right. Here's right, draw the line. Here's where I draw the line. Drinking. But you would get pissed on? No, I would never get pissed on. But you would piss on someone. If like my father, I told you, my father gave me advice one time.

If girl wanted me to pee on her and my real father, who I don't talk to, what's up, Steve? How are you doing? Love you still. He, uh, he was, he clicked in. I clicked over. I go, what's up? He goes, what's wrong?

What's up with you? I go, listen, I'm on the line with this girl, and she wants me to piss on her. Would you do that? He goes, listen, I wouldn't drink a gallon of water and muster up a piss, but if I had a go, why not? And I was like, that's great advice. I wouldn't fucking prepare for it. But if I had to take a whiz and I'm making out with a chick and she's naked in the tub

where I don't have to clean it up and she's like pissing me, I'd be like, all right. Would you kiss her after? Fuck yeah. Yeah, there you go. I'm living in a different universe than you guys. After she got it out. Yeah, it's not like mouth full of piss. But there's like a film.

A lot of people, a lot of people. A lot of people in martial arts drink their own pee. Yeah. It's like, what are we talking about? We're talking about drinking your piss. I saw Bear Grills and Will Ferrell drink their own piss for survival. Yeah. Yeah.

But I mean. You shouldn't do that for survival, by the way. It fucks you up. Oh, does it? Yeah, it's not good. And drinking your own pee is not healthy. Okay. They, they, they were like, you know, a Machito.

Yeah. He would wake up Japanese. He'd come out in his little dojo, his little fucking karate kid backyard. And I, every morning I drink my own pee. Yeah. And then he, and then people are like, yeah, it's not good for you. What about? It'd be hydrate you, actually.

Oh, it pissed me off. What about? Hey, good one. Thank you. What about two girls one cup? Are we into that now, too? Is that the gateway? What are, okay, no.

Okay, no. Okay, thank you. Yeah, yeah. Something we can agree on. Yes. That is fucking disgusting. It's gross, but it's funny to show your friends. Oh, it's the best.

Listen, it wasn't real poo. Yes, it was. Was not. What was it? The girls got interviewed and they said it wasn't poo. Well, they injected it into their ass and then they just like so darted it out. That would technically make it still poo. Anything comes out of your ass is poop.

No, no, no. It comes out of their ass. Have you seen it? Yeah. I was on Opie and Anthony. Let me tell you something. The first time I saw that. You know Ope and Anthony?

Don't ever watch one guy. He don't have a name like we give a fuck. Don't have a. You would have back then. Now you don't because you have a pearl jacket. You guys are all in social media. I mean, nobody gives a fuck about it anymore. But back of the day, you'd be like,

can I get on the puppy tree? I'll stay. I'll wear my, if you wore that jacket, you wouldn't wear it on the way out. I'll tell you that. You got a fucking hot pounding for that fucking weird coat. Whatever. But whatever.

Good comeback. I keep going. I want to hear this. Don't ever Google one guy, one jar. Oh, that's my favorite one. Oh, God. Here she is, right? Yeah.

Look how pretty she is. Can we show this? No, that's not, that can't be real. No, this is, this is a guy, an edit a guy did. But this is her pissing on the floor for real. Look how cute she is. She is very pretty. Yeah, she just, she just squats down and take a pee.

Yeah. And, and why did my wife comment on that? That is crazy. I asked her to. Oh, okay. Like, please, please, I don't want to feel alone on this. Yeah, this girl. Look how cute she is.

That's my type of girl, by the way. That's so funny that she's like, if that was a redhead, I wouldn't be into it. She's like, guys, I got to pee, grab my phone. got to go make content. Like, that's insane to me. Yeah. I mean, dude, that's where we're at in the world. Yeah. That's content.

And you're making a lot of money doing that, too. Do you think she's making money doing that? I think she's making a ton of money doing that. You think she's just pissing on the... How can she piss over a minute long, dude? You think she's not making... She's just doing a few shits and giggles. Oh, no, what you think...

Oh, she's not making money on Instagram. No, no. TikTok or whatever. It's got to be over a minute, right? On TikTok. I get, I go, no, she's... She has a link to another site. Oh, got you.

Yeah. It's called Thirst Trappin So this is just a little teaser Yeah, okay, that's not the full thing Oh, in the video, she pisses on her room Or fucking babies Oh, now I'm in, this is... Oh, you, have you subscribed to see the content

Behind the Paywall? Listen, serious, man, I want you to pick up What are you Dutch? Is this possible? So wait, how is that not real shit? You're still doing stand-up, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, lighten up a little bit.

No, okay, the real shit thing is he, so he was brought to court, the guy who shot those videos. So the real video is called, like, bring it up, Danny. No, don't, I'll throw up. I don't like shit. Shit is my fucking, I, should we do that? Should we watch two girls on top and see her? No, I can't. I can't.

And there's one girl, Jay had her on. She's a porn star that had her on. Resilion, right? Nope, she's a white girl. Okay. She, on camera, shot a shit. shit out of her ass. It literally went fom and flew out of her ass. One long fucking hot dog and it was the grossest thing I've ever seen. That's hilarious. You saw this happen?

Jay forced me to watch it on the bonfire. And then we had her on the show. Yeah, that's great. Is it on video somewhere? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Do you don't want to see her take a poop? No, I hate poop. I don't know if I like this side of the internet. I don't like poop. I don't like poop. Well, listen, we've gone past the point of no return. I did shit today and you know, you get up I got the leak one too. A little bit of leak. You said leaks and parsley? Yeah.

No, I did a shit today and I was like, damn. Yeah. It was a lot. Yeah, yeah, big shit. And a big shit, I wasn't expecting it. Yeah, yeah. But it feels so good. Yeah, yeah.

It's healthier and healthy. I'm a healthy boy. Yeah. Taking a poop and you, you even take a poop and you don't have to wipe. Yes. And it's like, you like it. Because think about it. Our diet makes us have to wipe.

But then. Dogs. They don't wipe. They can dig a shit. My dog will shit. Do a couple scratches. Jump right on the couch. No shit on her bum.

But you ever just like walk around and go, oh shit, I have to wipe. I don't even shit. That's because of your diet. You're leaking poop. No. You're not leaking poop. Yeah. You're diet when you, I'm telling you, listen to me.

You didn't wipe good. I'm being serious. No, you're not. I swear to God. I'm being him right now. Jay is the funniest motherfucker. I know he is. That's why I love him on the show.

Yes. The fuck, you're getting serious now, too? I mean, it's a joke. Jay is so funny. Oh my God, this generation of comics Mealy makes me sick. Listen, here it is. Tell me.

It's because, think about this, dogs, shit, and there's nothing there. Every once in a while they have a bad stomach and they'll be shit. But dogs will take a shit, it comes out hard, they pinch it off, it's done. We're supposed to shit like that too. But because of all the processed food we eat,

all the stuff we eat, it doesn't harden the white way. We should, shit and not have to wipe. But because of I die, you got to eat clean. You got to eat clean. Back in the day,

they didn't wipe. Do you eat clean? Huh? No, my shit comes out like throw up. Oh, God. I wouldn't make any money on a shit, scat fucking only thing. There's a market for that.

Oh, God, don't tell me that. You're going to send me down a path. I don't want to be. We could set up an account for you. I'm close. I'm close. Let me ask a question.

If you could make, I know you guys both make money. But if you can make $500,000 a year, and all you have to do is have an only family you shit and all I do is shit all as you do is shit

you show it on the thing people want it and that's it 500,000 dollars a year just from what I know that the market value of shit is that's I would be severely undercutting myself of what I could make for 500K a year

I also have a you'd make more than that if you're like a strictly shit creator and it's very niche people pay high dollar for that no you could you're if you're only making 500k a year you're doing bad But I have a follow-up questions. Why am I in this business? You should be making at least a million.

Why am I not in the shit business? You kind of are. I am. You're fucking killing the puns, by the way. I appreciate it. You're murdering it. Well, it's kind of what I do. I have a question.

Yeah. Follow-up. Do people know it's you doing the shitting? Like, comedian, Robert Kelly. Well, that would get me more money. Your faces, yeah, you would probably get like a New York Post article. Oh, dude, I would get so much money. You know me and my friends?

You know me and my friends would get their fans to watch me take a shit? You know many podcasts? You know many podcasts that was doing? If they saw me and my weird Steven Seagal ass, fucking come up and just take a dump? I would much prefer to do that if it was a side hustle where no one knew it was me. You could, but you couldn't wear that jacket. Dude, no it you. I'm keeping this jacket.

The buttons are even cool. Yeah, I know. They're very Adamant. Adamant was cool. I love Adam, man. I love him. Yeah. No, I would, I think, yeah, if you're shitting on camera,

the Legion of Skanks would have, like, a weekly segment be like, what did Bobby shit this week? Oh, of course. They'd have a fucking, at the fucking Skank Fest, they'd have a fucking poop off. Yeah. A poop off. Have a shit booth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where you could go into a little booth and pay me money to shit and watch me shit. Or have shit on plates and you have to guess whose comic that shit was. Well, I could do that in five seconds. It's like Story Wars, but better. Yeah. That is. I mean, let's. Go. Can we do that? Not the three of us right now. But yeah. Skate Fest.

Yeah. We got shit on a plate. I would tell him. I would know Ari's shit five seconds. Really? You know him that well. Didn't he have a video 20, 30 years ago where he had a hemorrhoid or something he was showing his ass when he after? 20 or 30. That was a month ago. What are you talking about? He shit on stage at Netflix. I mean, not not on at Skank Fest. He stuck a note in his asshole. for a special. Yeah. And shit it out on stage in front of thousands of people.

And then pulled the note out and read the thing. And Netflix almost canceled the special. Yeah, that's fucking disgusting. Yeah, Ari bleeds every time he shits. No. One of the producers at Skangfest, they told him,

already came up to him before because they had like a piece of cardboard on stage and they goes, hey, at one point, I'm going to, I just ask you to come out and take this cardboard. it out. He goes, of course, of course, no problem. But he didn't tell the producer that that cardboard's going to have my bloody shit on it. Why we're on the experience

for the producer? But then the producer just refused to do it. Oh, they found out, they're like, I'm not doing it. Danny, that is funny. I'm sorry, that is funny, Danny. Well, yeah, I mean, Ari, he, the one thing Ari likes to do, which is, it makes me throw up is he'll, when he'll come to my house. Yeah. And bloody shit,

but not flush. Oh, I did that once at Eric Newman's house. I took a big fat shit and didn't flush. On purpose? I must have just forgotten. Oh, damn. The only thing I've ever done that was that bad is one of my middle or one year, once I was doing a show, and he got the suite. Yeah. And I got the shit room at a shittier hotel. Yeah.

So I went, so I went, he didn't tell me. Yeah. So I'm at this other crap hotel where the gig is. Yeah. Then he goes, we'd go back to my, I go back to my room. So I went back, he's got this amazing, like, boutique hotel with this suite. So I went in and I pissed in his tub. That's not that. bad. Pissed the tub, that just rinses away. If I could have shit, if I had to shit, I would have shit in the tub.

In the tub. Yeah. Which is the worst. I pissed in the shower this morning. My wife caught me. She did. She's like, at least run the water. You were.

I think I piss in the shower every time. Isn't that like? Every time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I watch you go down the drain. Everything's cool.

I piss my cum into the drain. Wait. What? Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Do not let that go. Yeah. I'm kidding. I'm like, I'm like, if you guys are real serious, you take everything, this CNN?

Wait a minute, let's get back to that. Well, now I was just thinking of the logistics of you like, pissing and you're hitting the cum and like trying to drive it in.

And then the cum also gets gummy in the shower. Because of the heat. Yeah, is it the heat? Is it the heat? It's the heat. I thought it was water

interacting with cum just makes it like water too, but if it's hot water, yeah. It's going to heat it up and it's going to change the molecular structure.

What? I can't even. I couldn't get that out. Brother, It becomes like an adhesive. I can't even Jay off. I can't even jack off in the shop. Jay off?

We can't even talk about fucking shit and asshole and comment. I'm not going to say jerking. Okay. No, I can't jerk off. I can't do it in the shower. I like Jay and off. I like to get clean in the shower. I don't do anything.

I can't be sexy in the shower. Well, you don't have a kid and a wife. Well, I have a wife. Okay, you do have a wife. And I have a stepdaughter. Yeah, she doesn't count. She's 34. Yeah, that's what she.

I guess she does count. Why you're not jerking off of the shower? I got two grandkids too, brother. I know. Buddy, when I have a young son and a wife, I can't jerk off anywhere because they... Anywhere else but the shower. Yeah, because it's like my little haven.

I can't masturbate. I have to wait until I go on the road on... When I go on the road on the weekend... You just start beating it. Dude, I have to, like, am I doing it in the afternoon? How many times? What's the most time? Three.

Only three? That's not that crazy. I'm 55. Yeah, but you've been on the road for 20 years. Oh, in my life? Yeah. Well, back of the day, I would try. try to fuck.

You know what I mean? Jerkingoff was like a last resort like horse. Fucking goddamn, nothing worked out. But, you know, now jerking off is my, the weekends is my spot. Like, when I go, it's like I get to the room and I go, no, not now.

I'm not feeling it. I want to wait until after the show. Oh, you know what? I'll make love right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The sun coming through. How do you set it up? Do you have like a supreme way you like to beat it? Are you like, oh, I got this video. It's on my phone. Are you like, what's your whole process? Well, I figured this out recently is that the type of porn I like...

Go talk slowly. The type of porn I like. The type of porn that I like is... I like a story-based, but I do like kissing and stuff like that. And it's because when I came up, there was no porn. Yeah. When I was in the 70s and 80s, the early 80s, so when I... There was magazine, Playboy.

There was no videos. Because VCR wasn't invented yet. Picture of tits. There was no HBO. There was no internet. There was nothing. So the only porn you ever saw was a photo. So when porn started happening, it was on HBO.

But it was light. It was Lady Chatterley. So you had to sit through, you know, her getting the job as the tutor. Yeah. And then she'd, you know, have dinner with the family and then blah, blah, blah. And then, you know, something would happen with the father and the son would be sad. And she'd talk to him and kind of confide. And they'd make like a friendship.

And then he would accidentally catch her in the shower. and he'd go back and jerk it. And then she'd come back in and she'd catch him at that she would come. So it was this long process that I'd have to sit through. In real time, there was no reverse. There was no rewind. Couldn't TiVo that. You had to watch it in real time.

It was live. The worst is when you're coming and then it goes like the guy's face. You're like, wow. Says you. Or that shot, sometimes they do that shot where she's, he's like laying down and they're shooting from the back and it's just all dude-ass going in. I'm like, oh, it's the worst angle.

Okay, let's talk about this. Let's lose. That's one of the worst. Yes, yeah, yeah. I also think the far away from the side where you can't see anything is a terrible. Terrible. And I know that they're giving you context.

They're trying to set up where they are, where the room is. I get it. Sure. But it's still, it's hard. You do that at the beginning. Yeah, yeah. Do that at the beginning.

That's at the beginning when you're taking the flows off. Now here's the problem. When they don't, for me, when they don't give you enough setup, I'm out. I know they're just banging. See, I don't care about exposition. I do. No, see, I like it. You don't love the art. I like the buildup because what I'm jerking off to isn't so much the scene of two people fucking. It's the motivation. Why are they fucking? There's probably a reason why they shouldn't be fucking. That I'm like, ooh, it's taboo. It's my sister. Sometimes I'll go. It's my, That's my aunt. The babysitter.

There's always some shit. I don't do this a lot. Monogamy. Monogamous guy. I love my wife. So when I am jerking on. I love my wife too. I love my wife.

Sometimes. I let you love my wife. I'll put up a video like on like one corner. Then another video on another corner. Then I'll fill the other two bottoms. So I'm just, it's just like a fuck. It's just like so much. Yeah.

That's called the Matrix. That's called the Matrix. Is that what that is called? I do the Matrix. Sometimes I'll do the, if I can't like decide what I want. Yeah. You know? I can't do that.

Sometimes I want a little bit of, sometimes I want the pizza guy coming in. Sometimes I want them fucking on the beach. Sometimes I want a threesome. Sometimes I want like a real life couple making a POV. Too much for me. It's too overload. I need, here's the thing. I like regular chicks.

I do not like smoke shows. Oh, yeah. I know exactly what you're talking about. You're just real people. like it's nice when they're like a little bit ugly because when they're, when they're too hot, you go like, well, I don't even like, she wouldn't fuck me. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, I want, there needs to be something in my brain that goes, maybe I could fuck her. I just found one where it was such, it's such a slow buildup. It's English and the guy comes up the stairs. He's going

to visit his friend. The wife's there in like, I don't know, almost workout clothes. Yeah. And he's like, ah, you know, he's at, he's at football, you know. Yeah. And he's like, I, yeah, I couldn't go, you know, he pulled a little something in my inner thigh. She's like, you did. Oh, really? Well, I could take a look at it. You know, you know I'm a massage start. She's like, no, no, no, it's all right.

Now, let me stop. She's like, no, I'm fine. I don't want, and he fights her just enough for her. She's like, just don't be silly. Just, you know, let me. And she gets the, she has the cream. She gets down. And she's just rubbing his thigh and talking to him.

And then I have this full-fledged conversation about just silly stuff. Yeah. And every, but you see that. the hand going up and you can see her chant you see the grays the gray yeah and then all of a sudden he's like well you shorts are a little weird let me just get your towel you pull that yeah and then he puts it on but he lets a little slip and he's oh I'm sorry she's like it's okay it's fine all that buildup yeah yeah oh you love a good build you love the time she go the towel comes off and she goes like this and then goes and I'm like I'm done you're not but yeah you don't even see penetration

no I don't want that yeah yeah Dude, I was on the road. I was in Philly and I was with my buddy. We were headlining and he was headline. I was featuring and we were, let's go get massages. But we were like talking actual, like a Swedish, yeah,

like a, doesn't exist in Philly. Well, we found that out because we had to buzz a door, go upstairs, buzz another door. Dude, what's your buzzing a door?

It's over. It's over. Dude, we walk in to like 15 ladies in bikini. They're like, they're all giggly. We looked at each other. We're like,

peace out. We left. Yes, we left. You found a good one because, like, I feel like you normally go into that situation.

And it's like some lady who's wearing, like, scrubs and they took her passport. Yeah. He's like, sex work for, he's like a slave almost.

It's like, I mean, I hate using that word, but they can't leave the country. Yeah. Yeah, she, they kicked her off at dumplings at some restaurant.

Now she's here. Yeah. You got the giggly chicks with the bikinis? They were so happy. That's a long time ago. Because they probably deal with like these fat fucking idiot. Yeah.

Was that a long time ago? This was a year ago. Where is it? If somewhere in town in Philly. We were looking for like a deep like one where they're just like getting on it. Oh, where they walk on you. You know,

where they have like the monkey hours. Can I explain something to you? Please. They would have done all that. Yeah. They do a legitimate 45 minute massage and they will do your front and they'll do the walking on your back and they'll give you a, you can get a deep tissue. you'll get a regular massage.

Right. But right at the end, they give you a butterfly where they just kind of go over you like this and like that. And they graze your butt. And then they'll graze your butt. And then they'll graze your ball sack.

And then they'll graze. Then they'll go down. And then they're going to go near your stomachia. And they're going to go, this okay? And you're going to go, if you're a man, if you're a man, I am. You're going to go, yeah.

Very softly like this. Yeah. And then they're going to reach underneath and start doing this. And then the next words that come on my mouth, okay, roll over. And you're going to roll over and you're going to be like, like, oh, they're going to act. Oh, look you.

Don't get carried away. They say that to everybody. Okay. They're also, be. They got to sell it. They got to sell it. And then they're going to start rubbing your stomach. And then, here we go, though. We're not finished. They're going to get it going, right? And then they're going to play with your thing.

go down to your butthole even and just play with that. And then they're going to go, and then you're going to whew everywhere. And they go, oh, so my like a fucking. It's like a rap show. And then you're going to be like, and you're going to be like, oh, shit. And then I'll go, I'll be back. You got a hot towel. They're going to wash the hands.

Get a hot towel. They're going to clean you all up. Like nothing happened. And then they're going to finish with your head. Then they're going to, you know, they're going to go to your head and rub you down for another 10 minutes. Yeah. And then they're going to go, you want a cup of water?

and you go, yeah, because you just got a massage, and you need water, you get dizzy. And then you get the water, and you're done. That's what happens. So you would have got a real massage. And at that point where they go to your stuff, you could have been like, I just want the massage. Really?

And they'd be like, okay, fine. And they'll get mad at you and try to stab you on the back. Because they get, they must get more money if they're fucking. Oh, let me ask you question. You're saying if they give you a regular massage, their tip might be bigger if they jerk your meat stick off and let you come in their knuckles? I'm saying if they're like,

If they're like, it's $60 an hour, and they only, they give you just the massage. It's probably $20. You give me $20. You can do that. Okay. I didn't know. You can say no. I don't think I would have felt.

If you're not a man and you have the willpower of a God, you can say no. I just don't, I don't like putting myself in those situations, like, because I'm like, it felt like man on the moon where he's like, I want this one and I'm on that one. Yeah. You know, and I'm just like, I just don't, I just want the one. That's called the forehanded. I just want the one. who can give me the back massage.

Yeah, you can get a... Look, if there's places in New York that I went to and I just got massage. But they wanted to jerk you off. Well, they would have. I went to a place where they didn't jerk you off, but then I made them because I said, two hours, just legs.

I get tired. I'm kind of jerk off. Let me ask you a question, though, because I'm always curious that there's going to be... Is that the place? So this is a guy on Instagram that goes to a different Rub and Doug every day and secretly records it, and it's pretty awesome.

Oh, yeah, yes, like the glasses on? Ah, yeah. It's the Google Glass. When are they going to pick that up? Oh, she's all right. Yeah, this is when it's, yeah, that's a definite, that's a definite. Give me a little audio on this. All right, well, don't jerk off.

I just want to hear it with how they're negotiated. All right, see that? How are there not cameras in there? There are. The FBI has cameras in all these places. They're recording you, though. The FBI, I, listen, my friend, shut this off for a second. Just hit pause.

My friend who's a cop, this is why I don't go. I'm not, I'm not ending my shit on one of these places. If I'm ending, I'm just going to be on some chick from Philly with big tits.

Yeah, yeah. Who eats my asshole. I'm ending it. But he said to me, there was a place right down to, where he's a head detective. And some guy was like, I'm going to go downstairs.

He goes, don't go. He's like, the FBI's got to cambered up for the next month. the so, so. Like, why? He goes, I'll let you know when it's okay to go. Because it's, it's wicked illegal. You're not supposed to jerk people off.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's 100% illegal. But if you, okay. Yeah. So, but then they're just incriminating themselves. The misleas are. Yeah, because they, yeah, because they're sex slaves. Right.

But they don't know the cameras are in there. They do, they do know. Right? Oh, they know. They know. Yeah. I think they, I can't answer that question. Yeah.

But this is what was said to me is that, and how, I mean, look, Robert Kraft. Yeah, what happened with him? Robert Kraft, the owner of the Patriots. Yeah. He went to a rub and tugging in Florida. Yeah. And they had video him getting jerked off. It seems crazy to me because someone like Kraft,

you should just be getting an escort just to come to the room and rub him and jerk off. But don't you feel like the rush is part of the excitement for these people? Maybe, yeah. Yeah, but you also get a really good massage. We're forgetting the part that I told you. But you can get the massage chick to come to your house. Yeah, but she's going to walk by the lobby. She's going to, blah, blah, but just go in your car.

You get a car service. You go over there. He walks in. Nobody knows him. Bing, bang, boom. So what's the point of the FBI setting up a, like, stay, are they going to then arrest you six months later? Hey, you went to the-

I mean, what's the point of them having all your information or stealing all your dad and knowing everything. They know it. Maybe it is to catch guys like Robert Kraft. Maybe it is to get a famous guy. maybe it is to have evidence. I don't know. I don't know why they would do that,

but they do bust these places a lot. Maybe they're just like they get someone like Robert Kraft, and then they go, he go, oh, we're going to release the jerk off footage or you become an FBI informant or something. I don't know why they would do it. And maybe the people don't know. Maybe he knew, but they didn't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They could have snuck in in the middle of, they can just sneak in the middle of the night. Put the cameras in. They don't even know. But he knew because he's, the head guy in that town and they have to kind of be like, hey, we're doing this.

Doesn't the FBI have other shit to worry about? They're gonna rub and tug in China. I mean, he's what the fuck, Cash Patel's up to? He's worried about fucking nothing. Right, true, true. Fair point. What do you mean? I don't know, he's off drinking somewhere,

probably doing... With the hockey team, right? He does, he does fucking... He doesn't blink. Yeah, his eye. He's looking at you like he's jerking off while he's talking. Yeah, dude. He always looks like he has something up his ass.

He's like always too alert. I like them though. I like them. Fucking crazy alpha male Indian dude. I fucking love it. Yeah, they, well, they're highly, look at, New York used to be packed with these places. Yeah. And they were fucking, there wasn't just Asian, it was regular chicks.

Oh, shit. Oh, you guys missed out the late 80s. I guess it is. Late 80s, mainly the 90s, dude. 90s, if you're a freak, they had the peep shows with live girls. Oh, yeah? Yeah, dude. Times Square.

I remember that. I moved here in 2004, and they still had some of those going on. It was, dude, I remember walking home from the cellar one night and just,

you'd walk by like a peep show on like one of these side streets. Yeah. And you could go in and watch porn. Oh, and jerk off in a room for three bucks. Wasn't there some thing in Brooklyn

in like in the 2000s? There was like these strip clubs in basements or something, and there was a whole... Oh, they had them in New York, too. They were underground trip clubs. I went to one with, it was me and who was,

the fuck was it. Macyo and D.C. Benny. We did like a college somewhere and we all drove back into the city. It was Macyo's like, yeah, I'm going to stop by the spot. It was called the fucking golden hammer or something. Yeah. Right over by Penn Station, not Penn Station.

What's the bus place? Port Authority. Yeah. It was in a, we pulled into a parking lot, and in the parking lot was a building on top of it, and we went up the stairs, and it looked like the exit stairs. So we went up the exit stairs, and one of the doors, he knocked on it, and two big motherfuckers opened the door. Yeah.

And they wandered us down. We went into this room. And they just put a bar up. Yeah. And they have a stage. And I walked in. It was crazy. Yeah.

There was a girl on stage being, I would say, like, fist-fucked by a guy. And so I, there's naked girls everywhere, dancing and getting. I walked over to the bar. Yeah. And there was a white guy, old white guy in sweatpants just going like this to me. me. And I looked over and there was a stripper just jerking, jerking him off through his clothes and his sweatpants. And I was like, oh God. And I was like, I went to the bartender. I was like, can I get a cranberry? And I looked over. She was bent over. She was getting finger blasted by another guy.

She's like, baby, I'll be with you in a minute. And I, so I, I was freaking out. I didn't really like, I was like, this is too much. So I went in the back and sat down and a girl came back. One of the girls came back and started just dancing on me naked and grinding my dick. I had to throw my pants out. Her pussy smelled so bad. Wow. But I had to throw my jeans out. Yeah, that makes sense.

Dude, I used to work. I swear to God, I was like, you shade your pants. It was so, it smelled like animal shit. Oh. Some type of weird fun. I was like, and I had to go. But there was underground strip clubs in New York all the time. In 2008, I worked at the box.

Oh, you. shit. And the box was, it's the nightclub where they... It's where they filmed Ari Schaefer's storytelling show. Oh, well, then you'll steal his thunder. Yes. They, uh... I mean, Danny... I was at the time... I love my producers. They jump in.

So it was like, they would... The show would start at two in the morning, and it would go to four or five in the morning. And it was like, you had to be A-list to get in there. Like... How'd you get in? I was performing there. Oh, okay. So I would do an extreme juggling show, but my character was on Coke. So I was always like going like, you know, and I'm like this and I had my shirt off.

I was like, I had pretty good, you know, I had sleeves obviously, but I had like, you know, abs and stuff. Yeah. And then I'd have these girls behind me that were topless and they'd like be my assistants. They'd be kissing me and stuff. And I would juggle fire to music. But and then after that, they encouraged you to like go into the audience and like mingle with the people. So I'd be talking to Jay-Z, Jessica Simpson. I remember one night Maroon 5 couldn't even get in.

but there was an act there called the Porcelain Twins, and they were from Seattle, and they were actual identical twins who would pretty much fuck each other on stage. They would take... They were real sisters. They were actual sisters, twins. They would take...

I mean, I'm not a fan of it, but they would take... There should be a documentary on these girls. There is, I'm sure there's tons of them. And there should be a documentary on their disappointed father. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They would take, like... I think they came from the suicide girls.

girls like that type of stuff. Yeah, yeah. That weird. Yeah, that weird, like, and they would, alternative, like, but they take dildos in their asses

and they lick it and like the other girl, the girl would lick it and they keep doing, they just do the weirdest shit. There's another performer there named Rose Wood. She was a trans performer and she would get completely naked and she would take a bottle of Hennessy, put it on the ground. She would squat down onto the bottle of Hennessy, clench it with her ass.

So then she'd bring it up. Then she'd take it and bring it like and drink it. And then like, spray it into the audience. It was I was like 20, Jesus. That's how you get sick, by the way. When this was going on. After COVID,

that gig was can't. It was the craziest expert. Well, you know the meatpacking district, which is all high-end stores, high-end lofts, and they have the high line down there now. Yeah. It's all high. But when I was here, the meatpacking is

still just a degenerate place to go. That's where all the hookers were, all the trans hookers were over there, all the gay clubs were over there, but they had the sex clubs. It's the vault. The vault. It was called the vault.

Yeah. And it was a sex club. And you would go in there, and I only went one time. I went in and out, but you went in and, you would see a bunch of guys. Those are the porcelain twins.

Thanks, Danny, for right in the middle of my story, bringing it up. Hang on, let me finish it. Bring it up in a second. So I would, thank you. See how they turned. back to me when you don't distract these cats with shit.

Well, I needed to see the twins that were fucking each other. I was like, I'm in the middle of my story, getting to the end of it, and he brings up fucking two naked twins that fuck each other. I want him to look too. It was my story, and I was like, fuck me. But what a dumb, what a dumb thing to do. No, so if you, every once in a while, you'd see a cluster of guys circled around something, and they'd just be jerking off because a girl would just get down on her knees and just

that's sucking guys off. Jesus. And they had paper towel bins around where you could all get papatolls and wipe your knuckles off or whatever. Yeah. But they would come and break it up.

Like, you know, there was certain rules to it. Yeah. So, but she had like, you know, seconds to suck as many. Dix and guys would just run over and be like,

like, like fucking, like, like, like ostriches. You ever see ostriches? They would just do that. It was great.

New York was a very sexually free, fucked up place for a while. See, I came from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I went to Catholic school for 10 years. Right from there, I went to like four years of public high school, moved to New York. That's what that coat is. It's a religious coat.

It is, yes. It reminds me of like something that. It's got priest vibes. It doesn't have. Yeah. It's got like, it's got like sermon type. Like you would wear that preaching the word of the Lord. But see, I could never go to any of these clubs without feeling like, oh my God. I'm like not like shame. Like, like, I don't, I don't believe in God. but like I would just be you know I was forced to go there I wasn't I wouldn't I wouldn't say that you still do a little bit I don't believe in God no way

he's there okay well he's watching over you okay well thank you but I just like to me that like I like all the vault the jerking off the girl I would be like it's too much it is too much yeah I wouldn't strip club is one thing you know

I don't go to strip clubs I'm not a strip club guy but I just yeah well fucking Joanne Angel told me about bring out those girls I want to see Yeah, let's take a peek of these porcelain twins, please. Oh, yo. We can't put that on?

We'll get fucking whacked, right? It's going to be blurred on YouTube. All right, let me. Is one of them dressed like a Nazi in one of them? Wait a minute, go to the one of top left, please. Top left, yeah, where they're rubbing their tits together and shit? Well, they both have big things on. Yeah, oh, they both, yeah, they both have strap-ons.

And they're dressed like Gestapo or something. Yeah. Danny's search. Oh, yeah, and she's sucking her. You worked with these girls? I did. Yeah, they were very nice. Oh, yeah, they look pleasant.

They were very cool. They were very cool to me. For $400, you can own that photo. Or you could print it out for free. Oh, is she, is she jizz? Is that like a, oh, that's like a silly string. Like she's like jizzing silly string out of her fake dick. You know what's sad about this?

Yeah. Is that they don't like dick. No, I know. It's sad that these girls. Well, they might. You don't know that. They went beyond. I bet one does, one doesn't.

I mean. And he searched Rosewood, okay? then put like the box after it so maybe you'll see yeah Hersh putting the with Hennessy bottle in it I just want you to see like what I had to see

every day every night I would go to sleep at 10 o'clock wake up at 2 in the morning take a cab to the box do my show and go back to sleep oh shit Reggie Watts was there he'd be beatboxing

doing stuff like this was yeah this was sounds like a fun night it was if Moby would be there DJing it was only A list people I mean, if you had, it was a lot of, it was a lot of billionaires. So it makes you believe that all this crazy shit about the island.

Oh, that's all real. P, did he, all this stuff. These freaks, these freaks do it all. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're doing it all the time. The Epstein stuff's just the tip of the iceberg. Oh, it's got to be. I mean, did you hear about the alleged stuff with Hillary Clinton?

No. The baby, the face. Oh, putting the baby face on. Yeah, I did hear about it. The name of it is so funny. Skittles? No, it wasn't Skittles. What was it?

Skittam-Rink or something like that? No, it was something like that. Yeah, there's like a file. Yeah, what is it called? It's like snickerdoodle or some shit like that. It's a flutsky stick or something. Fiddlesticks? It's something with it as Hillary Clinton.

It's apparently her like cutting a baby's face off and wearing it or something. In the basement of some business. I don't know, man. That can't be. I don't believe that. Well, somebody... Frazzle drip. Frazzle drip.

There we go. What are we doing? Which is, I think, a waste of a name. Yeah, yeah. Frazzle drip is a great name. Yeah, but the frazzle drip is something you call like a Muppet. Or a band or a punk band. Yeah, yeah.

You know, you don't call ripping a baby's face off and put it on yours. No, the kind of... Frazzle dripping. It does work. I'm going to say it does work. Now that I think about it, I say it aloud. What's her name? Joanna Angel told me about, like, how you went to that sex show.

She did a thing in Hellsendip. Sinky where she was like the headliner. Yeah. But she said the three acts before her were way crazier. The first two, the first act was these two guys called Marco and Marco. Marco Marco were these two like hairless gay dudes that would like soap each other up and fuck each other in this like live sex show. Then there was this one lady who would come out dressed as snow white and then this dwarf

would come out and like fuck her. He would get up on like a step stool and face fucker and like do all this shit to her. But then the headlining act was this guy dressed up as Jesus. Christ and this chick who was dressed as the devil and she would start fucking him in the ass with a strap on while she was eating the Bible. I hope. This is what I hope. I hope God's real. I hope heaven's real. Yeah. And the pearly gates are real. Yeah. And I hope she dies and goes up to the pearly gates. Yeah. And then God's like, hang on one. Oh, yeah. Come. Oh, wait, wait. Hang on one second. Is this you? Yeah. They show you. And then. They got an iPad up there. And then you hear fucking

Chuk. And they just send you all the way to do. And then the real devil fucks her in the ass for eternity. Could be. They could be it, though. But also,

if we're all consenting to all these acts of sexual... Are you consenting? Wait, to what? I'm just saying if all... You know what. I'm saying if all these people are consenting adults

with these sex shows, right? Like, why is that bad? That's fine. I'm pro sex worker. I think, like, that should be legalized. Well, what happens?

I don't like, I don't know. Someone takes their passport or something like that. There's always, at the end of it, you know, I've never seen, there's very rare do you see some of the end of this stuff with the like, I love my life and I lived it the way I wanted to and I'm happy as shit. It's always, I'm, I fucking, I'm fucked up. And I don't do that anymore. And I got my life together and I have a family.

No, I'm also with him. Do you see the Bonnie Blue? I just, can I say something real quick? Yeah. I made all that up. Okay. Oh. comedy.

He's like, I got to prove a point I'm going to win this debate. That's the funny thing with debate people. They just say stuff. Just start lying. And the other guy's like,

doesn't know. And he's like, oh, is that true? It's felt like a Jubilee for a second. Well, I mean, you're going to raise a flag or what? Well, there is,

listen, it depends on what type of life you want to live. Yes. If you want to live with a, like, a moral compass, and you want to have spirituality in your life,

and you want to have a kid, you know, it's going to be hard. If you have a kid. or a son, and you're going out every night and fucking Jesus in the ass. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Okay, so it's just like, hey, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to live this life.

Fine, I don't give a shit. But there is a point where, look, I didn't want to be married. And then there was a point where I was like, I think I want to be married. Then there was a point I was like, I don't want kids. And then one day I was like, you want to have kids? She's like, yeah, I do. And we're like, okay. If I was Jesus getting fucked in the ass every night, I'd have to take a second

look at my job. Yeah. And be like, hey, man, I might have to change, I might have to change jobs when he's 11. I only got. Or you explain to him, you go, you know, daddy does shows for adults. Yeah. Yeah. Can I come?

Absolutely not. But you've heard of Bonnie Blue. Unless you have a Brazilian passport. You've heard of Bonnie Blue? No. She's this English porn star. She's the one that did fuck the thousand. You don't know Bonnie Blue?

Stop real quick. He's wearing a pearl bracelet. Yeah, I know I saw that too. I didn't mention it. I mentioned it earlier, but you guys weren't listening. Because we were looking at the pearl jacket. Probably. Now it's all coming together.

With the bracelet and the jacket, I like it. You like it. Oh, it's a good combo. Yeah, it's good. Appreciate that. You got it. So Bonnie Boo fucked a thousand guys in like a day. Yeah, okay. I heard about this.

You heard about it. And she's like, I do it for women's empowerment. I do it to show my, for myself. She's like, I'm an athlete. I don't buy it. I'm telling you what she says. I'm not saying I'm for it. That is some fucking gabbage.

You know why she's doing it? Money, baby. She's loaded. Yeah, I don't think the woman empowerment stuff she was saying about it, I think that's rage bait to get people fucking going and go viral. You know, it makes me word matter? She's an athlete. Yeah.

You know, your pussy is athletic. What they're doing is pretty is a test of the human body. Yeah, but they get hurt. They get hurt. They do get hurt. Maybe they are athletes. There's a trainer. There's a pussy rubber.

They got to be in top shape all the time. Yeah. Get fucked by. A thousand dudes in a day. You can't have shit leaking out of your ass when you're doing it? Well, you can. Well, I will, but I'm not going to be fucking a thousand people. You don't know that.

You don't know that yet. My life would be pissed. Yeah, she might be bad, but we bring that money home. Oh, that's true. She loves a fat check. And if you have a metal? Oh, if I got a metal, it would be different. Oh, dude, nice little thing to put on like the...

Boom, trophy. What's that from? I fucked a thousand people. But yeah, you know, your ass can't leak shit. That's a big faux paw. You got to do what they call run clear. Thank you. So, yeah, you've got to be rinsing your asshole until literally nothing's coming out.

Like what you do before a colonoscopy, right? Yeah. You got to drink the colonoscopy fluid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I have still yet to do. Thank you. Thank you for bringing the science to this. Yeah, you know, I always will.

Well, here. Here's the thing with these things. Yeah. Like, you, if you have, this is my wife. Are you having fun? I'm having a blast. What are you doing next Wednesday? I have a chance for you to make a lot of money for the family.

We're going to have to get your coconut dough and jam it in your vagina. I just think that when you, there is a point of not coming home. Oh, yeah, no, I think you do have to make a decision. There's no, I'm not disillusioned at all that if you take the path of sex work, that you are cutting yourself off from a lot of other things in your life. And another thing, too, I found out with, I watch this little thing on porn. Every, if you saw porn being made, you'd be like, this sucks.

Yeah. No, it's not as fun to make. They have makeup for hours. It's just like content. Content is not fun to make, but it's for the internet. It's, you know. The vaginas are made up. Everything, all the little pin, all the life stuff is brushed out.

And then in be, they'll pump for like, you know, bang, bang, bang, bang, all, I cut, I change. It's all. Like, Gary, your booms in the way. Absolutely. It's all. It's all work. To them, it's work.

It is work, but once again, it depends on who you're shooting with. Because the old style of shooting porn, some of like the older porn stars, like the Manwells or the fucking. The Peter North. Yeah. Those guys, the way they're like, I fuck and you shoot around me. There's no calling cut, no that kind of stuff. I wish I could say that in life. I wish I could say, I fuck and you shoot around me.

I'm Bobby Balls. There you go. There you go. Bobby Ball is a pretty good one. It was pretty good. I'd have to have bigger balls, though. I don't think of big of balls. Have you heard of like, there's this company that does real couples having sex?

Yeah. And so you have to prove that you're a real couple. Yeah. And then you make porn and then you send it to them and then you get like an, it's like an only fan, but they're not, you're not a porn star. You're just like an average Joe. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, there's the one wifey. Wifie is like real couples that do like, like, they're open or whatever like that. Oh, okay. But usually the chick is a porn star, but also their husband is or sometimes their husband isn't. See, I like it when they're not in the business. They're just like two people fucking for money. There's this one chick, Danielle Renee. So her and her husband are both in the business,

and they've done a bunch of crazy shit. And what she did for her wifie debut was she got gang banged in her wedding dress. I'm just worried. This is what I'm worried about. Yeah. Is that there is, you know what I mean? There is an afterlife.

Yeah. All this is good is if you die and become dirt. Oh, yeah. But if you, if there is an afterlife, yeah. And you have to be like, I just worry about that. I'm going to see my grandmother be like, you should, Bobby, you're not getting in. I tried.

I talked to him and said you were good, but they're not letting you in. I'm sorry, those prayers didn't work. But Danielle got banged in a wedding dress. That's not hurting anybody. It's not hurting anybody. No, everyone had a good time. Like, are you a bad person because of that? Listen, you do whatever you want with your holes.

Yes. I don't care. That's my son. Hang on one second. You do whatever you want with your holes. I don't care. I don't care. But in my, where I'm at, there is, I got, I got out just in time to where I was like,

I'm going to slow down with this stuff. It's good. Because once you, it's a drug, man. And once you go past it, it's hard to come home. Yeah, yeah. It's hard to go back to regular stuff. Well, I've been with my wife for 16 years. We've, I've always been faithful.

You know, I've never done anything else. One second. I'm faithful to. Me too. I'm always faithful. Of course. Of course. Of course.

Of course. I'm just saying, you know, I'm agreeing with you that I never got into that side of that world because it is like a drug. It would be something that I would have to be like, I don't want, you know. Yeah. Because it does sound so fun. But also my wife's pussy is pretty fucking off. But here's the thing. With anything, I heard that.

I was actually one of my questions. Yeah, yeah. No, no. Your question number five. Yeah. 10 out of 10. Right off the top. Oh, you guys moved it?

Yeah, we moved it. Yeah. I heard your wife's pussy's pretty awesome. It's pretty awesome. I love it. I love everything about her. She's a, she's banging.

Right. I love your pussy too, honey. I hope I see it. Why is that bad? It's not bad. It's just saying it. And I got to say it too because my wife. Are you married?

No. Oh, no. He's drinking fucking compass. Yeah. Come. Whoa. I mean, it's squirt. Yeah, but we're talking about people who are married who are fucking.

I love that that's the line. Whoa, whoa. There's no cum in there. Come. I'm not gay. Not yet. Isn't that? Who knows what's on the horizon?

I do. Is that a, you're making an advance? No, not me. I'd never, I'd never have a shot with you. I know that.

Either one of you. I get rejected by you, fucking assholes. You will never come on my podcast again. You're like, hey man, I'm not into it too. Well,

I'm not coming onto this podcast in this jacket again. I can tell you that. Thank God. No problem. There is no good. Next time you come on, me and him both have that jacket.

Oh, yeah. Actually, it is a nice fucking jacket. Thank you, Jay. Look at me. Okay. You got recognized by paparazzi. I did. No, that's him.

Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah. For what? The jacket? There's the video. No, I'm wearing the jacket, though. No way. All right, we've got to see this.

What did they say? So I was in LAX. He was just a fan of mine. This guy watches my videos. Wow. Well, your videos, people don't know. We talked about disgusting crazy shit for so long. Yeah.

But your videos on. the subway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, talk about doing something that takes balls. You should just wait and see what I did today. I filmed three characters today on the subway. Can you give us a little? Because this isn't coming out.

I did Mamdani. I did Justin Timberlake 2000, 2000. Yeah. And then I did Michael Jackson. Okay. But next week I'm doing Stephen Hawkins. I bought or I rented a wheelchair. Yes.

Oh, my God. And I'm going to have an iPad. Just play all the jokes. I'm just going to sit there motionless. You got a couple about going to the island? I got a couple about going to the island. Nice. My favorite one is my buddy John Merrifield, who's a great comic, great one-liner.

He's like, he had this joke. He's giving it to me for this. He goes, you know, I don't like to be called. I don't like when people say I have ALS, you know. I like to be called. I like, I prefer ice bucket challenged. Like that's fucking perfect. Ice bucket challenged.

You got to check. If you don't know his Instagram or social media, you got to go check it out. Thank you, because I watch it. I'm like,

dude, I would not have the ball. Come on the subway with me sometime. Both of you. I would love to have you as both on the subway. Yeah,

but what do we do? Just do a character. We'll figure it out. Yeah, we'll do a two man. Yeah, you and I can figure out something and...

We do like a Mario Luigi or some shit. Yeah. And I'd be the guy that goes... No, you got to be on the mic with me. I got to do jokes? Dude, I did it with Train. the band train did it with me. I did it with

Bobby Boynahan. Really? Yeah, Disney, Pixar, they email me like, hey, you wanted to do some promotion for the movie Hopper? Can I just say something? Back in the day, you had to go on Johnny Carson or the late show with David Letterman to promote anything. Yeah. You had to be, you had to go through all the gatekeepers,

you had to go through all the agents and studios and manage it. They all had to pick who was going to get to the next level. And now a guy like he, him in a pearl jacket can just come up with an idea, shoot it on a phone, and have them come to him. It is nicer, but it's more work now. You got your platform. You're like, I got my Instagram, my TikTok, and my Twitter.

And I got my podcast, and I have to learn how to edit. And now I need to learn AI. But once you learn it, it's way more successful than I am, by the way. I don't think you're killing it. No, I appreciate that. But once you learn it, you know it. So you know how to it. You learn all these other skills.

Yeah, it never stops. Well, they all say this about this brand of work. There's a lifespan on it where you're like, I'm done. Yeah. So you make as much money as you can. What you want to hit is eventually you hit something that is easier to repeat or you have enough people working underneath you that you're like, oh, I got an editor now. I got this.

Or you have like, oh, like you get like a podcast that you're like, oh, I can come do this podcast and it pays for. Like you have to keep coming up with great ideas and have to write for it. And I have a team of people that help me write these. jokes because I can't write them all myself. So like I got like four or five people that I'll say I'll send ideas to and then I pay them for their jokes and then I use them on the subway and then I never use, I mean, I don't do them on stage. They're not funny jokes. Do you know what I mean? But what I like about what you're doing so much is I feel like every comic got in the trap,

not the trap, but everyone's like, we've got to post these crowd work. Yeah. How do you promote your standup and get genuine standup fans who buy tickets without burning your material? Right. And so you got super creative. Yeah, you're like, this is how I can Brother, I had nothing to lose. Yeah. No one was buying tickets to my shows. No one knew who I was three years ago.

We know. So, but now I'm getting recognized by the paparazzi at L.A.X. It's great. I want to watch this. All right. I want to see how you. What's up, brother, my mom. That's great.

What is this production process like for you? I'll do. It really is. Sometimes it's just an agent. apron and a hat. Other times, it's three hours in a makeup chair and writing jokes. And I have a team of comedians that I trust and love who, you know, I'll send an idea to, hey, I want to do this and some of the subway that one's up one. And then they'll send me jokes at once. And it takes a village. It really does it. I'm here's a sad part about this.

Dude, that's play that. I play that. Sorry. Kelsey. And together, we're very enough. Nice. I get so much anxiety to go on the subway in a leot. You look good, Nick. Thank you, brother. I'd rather you wear that than this jacket. Fuck off.

That's good, that's good. Because you always seem like you're in your zone. And that's your character. Well, that's your, that's your pro. That's right. Thank you. So, no, well, it's amazing. I love it.

There's a little bit of surrealism in there. So this is in a story. This is actually a box or whatever it is. That was an LAX. That was my favorite one. The weed's box. I love it. It looked great.

I made that weedie's box in Photoshop. It took me forever. Yeah, I just like piece by piece and it magically worked where it lined my face up with Messy's face exactly It almost makes people I bet you some people now are in the air of AI They're gonna look at it and say this is my stop right here This is my question I was gonna interrupt with yeah Is that in AI now a guy can just get a video of the subway Yeah

And put himself in the thing Make it so is that like you're putting so much work into these costumes and makeup and spending so much money on a makeup artist and going in that environment that now you can, you don't have to, you can just go on AI and you can't have the, but not you, but somebody else can't.

I spent 16 grand on costumes last year. Yo! $16,000. Wow. My wife was so pissed. Yeah. But I mean, it's paying back. It's paying back,

but now thankfully I have a sponsorship from a Halloween costume. Oh, they're going to say a pearl company. Yeah. That gets cool, guys. Don't be jealous. I fucking love it. Thank you.

I'm going to send you one. Please don't. No, I mean, dude, did I say don't? I'm going to have one next time you come on. You got to wear it next time you have Keith on and like see what happens. He would love it. I had one when I was young player. We would call the Pearl Jam.

We used to go all over Philly with the Pearl Coats on. I like how you gave him the slumped and everything. So Pearl is a cool man. It's pimping shirt. no but chase also killing it well you both are fucking murdering it thank you bro but it's like

like you said there's a lot of work I mean Voss calls me what are we gotta do I'm like dude listen we missed the you didn't though you didn't miss anything you just got to figure out what it is I want you don't you don't have a child

I have to spend do a podcast with your child no I'm not gonna fucking get him into the shit business I got involved in I actually did do a a vlog series with Maxman. It was called Max's Science Lab.

And it was him with a lab coat. I built the science table. And he would do experiments. And it would have, I mean, it would have been insane. He could have been famous by now. But he doesn't take direction. No, I'm kidding.

Max. No, no. He just, he went out. He was like, I don't want to do it anymore. He got bigger and he's like, I'm not. How old is he? He's 12 now. Oh, okay.

It's just, you guys, you guys are at the right time with the right, you know, When we came up, you went to clubs, you did spots, you had to progress into the middle, into the headliner, you had to go around, and you just had to just do comedy, till you got on TV, somebody gave you a shot, you got on TV, you would fill the crowds up, blah, blah, blah, that way.

Yeah. And you got a certain reputation where you could tour the country, probably for the rest of your life and make a living doing stand-up, right? But then this thing took over where you didn't, there was no gatekeepers. Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot of hard work. You have to figure it out.

Yeah. But no, you imagine having to do all that hard work. And then somebody, you don't know, just goes, oh, no, we pass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would suck. There's no more we pay. You don't have to go to studios, but networks. You got to realize. Oh, is this the Michael? That was me today.

Oh, that's fucking. Thank God you didn't have to do blackface on that. You were, you were doing, you were doing, thank God you were doing off the wall, Michael.

Oh, dude. That's like, I mean, you already did Michael, but like if we did something, you could do like Michael, like white Michael and black Michael. I wouldn't be opposed to doing that because I shot so much material for more than one video. I could do, I could do dead Michael.

No, but, I would love to do something with you on this. I could be one of the kids you fuck. Put me in a diaper. You'll be Hillary Clinton with a baby's face. What's it called again? Fizzle-dizzle, what was it? Fizzle what? It was a fuck.

Such a good name. That can't be real. Allegedly. That can't be. real. All right. Yeah, dude, listen, we're going to wrap this up. But you guys fucking love you guys.

I love you too, man. I like the jacket. Thank you. I'm so glad you guys is kicking ass. I mean, throw an old guy a bone once in a while. But, you know, I mean, you guys are murdering it. Thank you. So, uh,

yes, come see me live. I'm selling no tickets in Boko Retone yet. So if you're listening to Boka, please come see me. Voss kills him Vokertone. How? He's old and Jewish. There you go. Yeah.

Then I'm putting up with your hijinks down there. yeah come see my i got a ton of road date so please come see me on the road what's your website marcus merrow when are you getting a punchup live i got punchup live dot com slash marcus monroe you're to promote that that's where you get all the emails i jane i were just talking about that before you got here i'm having to call with them on friday to figure it out i i went the other day because i'm booking up my year and i went i was like i have so many people in californ i never go to california yeah i'm my a map lights up of where you have fans yeah yeah yeah and i'm and i'm i'm a map lights up of where you have fans.

Yeah, yeah. And I looked, I'm like, I have fans in California. Yeah. And I'm like, dude, book me in California somewhere. Yeah, I need to get on. I need to figure that shit out. Yeah. That's why I'm just spread two things.

Mine are all red states, though. Oh, yeah. I'm just, I only got one date out in August right now. So all I got is playing out Texas because I'm doing a bunch of stuff with the pod. But check out my podcast, two goons and my special drops on April 26th. It's called How to Make Your Balls Bigger. You can find it on YouTube. Is it, is it, is it, is it, is it comedy and learning?

No, there's no. learning. Did you have big balls at one point? No, no, no, no. Because I had big balls at one point. I had to get it surgically removed. Really? Yeah.

Oh, whoa. What happened? Like, drained? Yeah. Oh, yo. I had balls like this big. Damn. We're going to be talking about that on the Patreon edition.

That's so interesting. You bring that up now? Yeah. He's swollen balls. What the fuck? Make sure you, you have a punchup too? Yeah, I got a punchup. Punchup.

Punchup.com. Yeah, punchup. Yeah. Punchup.com slash Tadarena. I'm telling you, man. The new app that's coming out is fucking nuts. Yeah, I know I like PunchUp a lot. You can do all your shit right in the thing.

It's so great. Make sure to punchup. com, live slash Robert Kelly, for all my dates. I'm going to hilarities, May 15th, 16th. And then Stanford, I got one show at New York Comedy Club the 21st, May 21st. Then I'm doing a little south run. I'm going to New Orleans and Mobile.

Alabama, the 22nd, 23rd. I'm coming back up north. I call it upstate New York. Outstate New York. Instead of upstate New York, I call Long Island outstate New York. Outstate, yeah, yeah. Because it's the same people. Love it, yeah.

Just with the New York attitude. It's rednecks with attitudes. I'm doing the mothership this summer, too. Oh, sick. Check that out. And, of course, I'm on bonfire every Monday, Tuesday. Well, you're doing comedy September 11th. Interesting.

Yeah, man, I got to, I don't, because I, I'm doing it in New York, man. Wow. And it's actually a September 11th Memorial. All the money goes to me. We're going to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly right now. But before that, Danny, what do you have besides a square big head? Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff.

I'm going to be headlining in Saratoga, New York, on June 13th at Artisanal Brew Works come through. Okay, I'm not playing there. Cody? What are you waiting for it? I got a monthly show at New York Comedy Club in Stanford. Next day is May 14th. Please come. Okay, great.

You guys are the best fans in the world. I hope you guys enjoyed the show. If you do, do me a favor. Subscribe and get in the comments and like the stuff. If you watch this and you don't subscribe, bad things will happen to you. It's on you now. You heard it, and that's it.

So the only way to get the hex undone is by subscribing. So if you heard it, there it is. We're going to Patreon right now. We'll see you next week. You know what, dude?