Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #638 | Lev Fer, Eleanor Kerrigan, & Tristan Bowling

Episode Date: May 10, 2026

This week's episode gets wild when Bobby falls in love with first time guest Tristan Bowling after referring to Eleanor's mom as the throat goat and Lev takes it to far w/ Bobby.Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Connect with quality therapists & mental health experts whospecialize in you at https://www.rula.com/dude #rulapod #adventure Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/YKWD Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day. Where it all started, people's fun and crazy. This isn't NPR. That's the original. What's up, everybody? We're live at the comedy seller.

Studios above the world famous comedy seller with another episode of YKWD. You know what, dude? Make sure you hit that subscribe button if you're watching for free on YouTube, you fucking nickel chaser. And if you're not a nickel chaser and you're fan of the show,

go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. And we're going to, uh, guys, stop. Fucking children. Already being anti-Semitic in the opening credits. Insane. If you're a goddamn nickel chaser, I'm telling no. Great.

He doesn't like getting interrupted in the open. Oh, sorry. Sorry. This is the part that all the fans want to hear. Go ahead. I'm sorry. I'm not with him. No, go ahead. Don't fucking do your fucking... I forgot where I am, Lev. You're fucking fat piece of shit. You're at the cellar. No, not that part.

You know what? Your name is Bobby. I did that part. New York. New York. I did that. I did that. Subscribe. Okay. He thinks he's on ONA again. Patreon. You don't even know about ONA, NAC, you're fucking ghost chaser. YouTube's real. I've seen it.

You can Google it. We got a great show tonight. Danny, who do we got? That's how old he's getting. Who are these young whippersnappers? Where am I, Danny? I'm sorry. We have comedy store legend, Eleanor Carrigan.

Oh, wow. What? First of all, don't use the word legend anymore. Ross is around. Ross and Voss is the same thing. Ross, Ross, Voss. See, if Voss was a store, he'd be Ross. Go ahead.

Rich Ross. Straight off of his new YouTube special, Patchwork. We have Lev Fur. also from the cockfight podcast Tristan Boling. Yeah, go check out that's special right now. It came out this.

Sorry. No, fucking special. Don't watch it. Don't go watch it. Watch it after this. Fucking amateur fucking podcasters who talk over each other. Oh, shut up.

You guys are professionals. That's right. This Philly bra just yaps. I have Voss fucking. Yeah, Voss got under your skin today, huh? You spent a lot of time with him today. Too much. I can do.

He's like my mom. It's like an hour and a half, two hours I can spend with Voss. But he, I was on at the sit. I could spend way more time with your mother. I'm, and you have. That's why you look just like me. Except fatter. You look at me four years ago.

Jesus Christ. You're fat. Don't do this. Why are you being mean? You know what I hate? I hate mean comics that when they get attacked, they might be mean. I'm joking. He's a fat fuck and he knows it.

He's a terrible man to me. Is he really? He throws water bottles at me. Why? What? Careful. Why do you throw water bottles? He's the young kid.

He's got to take his fucking... I was going to say, I don't go throw him. He's tiny. That is true. You should throw things at your comics. Voskels... I'm over at the...

How quick of a turn that one? I'm over doing my show at the pussycat. I got to tell you this story. Just listen up for a second. I can't wait. I'll have fucking ADHD and you can't smoke pot every five seconds. I'm on this... I'm doing my spot.

Everything is great. Crowd small. Great crowd. Fantastic. I'm having a blast. Voss comes in in the middle of my joke. Middle of a joke. I can do this. And I go, what? He goes, I can do. I think I can do stand-up. For the first time ever, he's going to attempt stand-up comedy. Dude, watching you guys get dementia is awesome. It's so great. It's so fun. So I go like this. I go, you want it? You think you can fucking do stand? Good. Come on up. You fuck it. And the crowd's like, what's happening? Yeah. I go, come on up. So he comes up. So he comes up. So he comes up. up and I give him the mic and I stand off to the left of the stage and I'm going to live boss just do five, 10 minute, whatever.

Right, right, right. He bombs. Let me tell you something. When a racist joke doesn't get a laugh. Oh, I know the feeling. It's just racism. Yeah. Buddy, he's taken, he took such a hot one to the point where the guy to the left who's a fan

from Tampa. Yeah. He goes, get him the fuck off stage. And then I had to stop because I was pretending like I didn't know who he was. I had to stop and I go listen. Buddy, sorry, guys, stopped. People were getting mad. Yeah, yeah.

At Voss. I went, this is Rich Voss. And he went, oh, shit, it is Rich Voss. Like, the guy, he didn't find out. He had to pull his hat up so people saw him better, his dumb fedora. Did you know how I know this was just now? This was just now. I walked past the fat black and one of my buddies is sitting outside.

He's like, what are you doing? I'm like, going to do YKWD. He's like, bro, Voss just ate a cock. Oh, that's angel, like, oh, yeah? Dude, Voss is at the age now. Like, if he was bombing, he'll be like, see, that's the problem. You're all anti-thematic.

See, that's what the issue is. Laugh of my joke about black people being monkey. Or you're antithmetic. Somehow this is an affront to Israel. I could rather be, I could be golfing right now. He's rude, man. I love, I love Voss. You know, I love him.

He's one of my closest friends. I love boss, too. But he took a hotline. That's crazy. You could love him. You can't respect. I respect Ronald McDonald for the franchise he's built. All right? Okay.

He, he, but after I go, dude, you took a hot one. He goes, I knew I was gonna take a hot one. Oh, shut up. Now you, then you wanted to gotten up. That's crazy. All according to plan. Perfect. If I'm not bombing Gaza, I need to be bombing in the lounge.

Shut up. Oh, man. I wish I got it on tape, though. I hope he lets me put it out. Please. Because it was people who were. he looked at the Indian guys he goes yeah how do you like all these

pipes with plumbing and nobody laughed indoor plumbing he made it indoor plumbing jane he did the joke about his uh I got a I got a daughter she married a black guy so I heard through the family no nobody last I did this this feeling I know so well when you're like

you're like fuck I'm not doing great and you're like all I got next to the trans jokes and you're like I'm about to eat shit I hit bedrock time to keep digging boss is like a joke Bob he's like all right next bopsicle the next joke. The one thing about Voss,

he doesn't care. Yeah. It's amazing. Is that why he sounds like that? He's got laughy-taffy in his mouth the entire time reading the jokes. Oh, that wasn't that good.

It was sweet. It was sweet. It was sweet. He, back when I used to host, I'd like, you know, you're like a young.

And I'd be like, Vos, so the left side. And he'd go, I don't give a fuck. He's like, they're all the same. I don't care what happens to me.

He's like, shut up. That's the right attitude. It's like, who fuck? Sad to see my friends. I mean, I saw Patrisco, Keith go almost twice. Yeah. It's pretty much gone now. No. And then, uh, and now Voss has hearing aids. Yeah. It's like, fuck.

But you're younger than them, right? Thank God. But is this your line? You said that to me out there. And you're younger than them. I am. And Danny's younger than you. These are all facts. Wait, I want to write a, um, I've been working on this script. I'm not really working on it. But it's an idea we always been playing with, with old comics in a retirement. home still fighting over stage time. Come on. Help me do it.

I'm not a great writer. We know. Can you write it? Oh yeah, I am at Uncle Vitties this weekend. Thus, what is it? May what? Friday and Saturday. Friday and Saturday.

Just say Friday because we can't remember dates. 100%. That'd be a great idea for movie. Oh, my God. No, I've been, okay, so you guys are too young to remember this. Bobby will probably remember it. Disorderlies? The fat boys?

Come on. Yeah, I remember. Yeah, but first of all, I grew up in Boston. We didn't follow fucking fat rappers. like Philly Chicks did. Fucking crush groove, dude. Yeah, I know. You were into all that shit.

Our white girls followed Bon Jovi and fucking Led Zeppelin. Anyway. I love them. You Philly horrors. You're feeling hers assimilated. So you didn't get mugged. We were surrounded. I know.

We had no choice, man. They made us listen to the shit. Keep this from my neighborhood. I had to go see Friday when it came out. I had to listen to Dean Martin in private. You got to listen to a real low. Yeah. And there wasn't headphones back.

then. I had to play 808s over the loud speakers with headphones in the closet. No, but it was a silly movie about like this obviously orderlies that were disorderly, but I was thinking like, you know, young comics would have to work there to get like stage time to help out the old ones. Are you presenting to them so the young, you're putting the young

so they write it? Yeah, come on. Write you something? Not me. We don't want to write our own shit. We don't know if you're writing for Bobby. Bingo nursing go. That would be a nice. What the fuck? What do I get?

It is a good idea. You could get in there. What the fuck? You could be an orderly. Oh, good. Or you could do nothing. How about that? That's what I've been doing.

That's what we're all doing. No, we do. I do have a lot of pieces of it written. And then a friend took it and started doing it on stage. And we're good friends. So it was like funny. Like we were coming up with different ideas. I was like, oh, shit, now it's going to look.

If we don't write it together, it's going to. to look weird. Is there any leftover you can give Voss that he could do on stage? No. No, no, no, no. We were on the bonfire today at Voss, and I said, I want to have Eleanor,

and she's in town, she's doing my show. But I know Voss, something happens to him an hour into any show where his blood sugar or something happens. I looked over one point, he was doing this. Just head down. I'm like, where are you right now, dude? And then he gets, he goes,

he starts going like this. Off mic. He's going to have pictures of his great kid. He was off mic. It was so funny. He leaned in. He's like, isn't he handsome? I'm like, oh, my God.

I'm like, dude, we're live. This isn't a podcast, you fucking coot. We're live on a radio show right now, and you're showing her pictures of your grandkids off mic. It was really dick picks, though. Is that better? His dick. They actually look like little black kids.

I think it was his great kids. Voss's dickpicks do like little mulatto boys. I've seen his dick. He's got a nice piece. Wait, wait. Everybody dumb has a nice penis. Is it darker? Yeah.

Yeah, he's Jewish. It's darker down there. You didn't know that? No. I've never seen a Jewish penis. Why not? Well, you're about. He's never.

Peel my legs back. Are you Jewish? Yeah. Oh, no shit. I didn't know that. Oh, wow. I wouldn't have seen that. Danny, get him off.

Sorry. Listeners, I want to get views on this one. I sleep with a lot of Jews. So I want to know what happened. I do. I do. I'm trying to make it in show business. You hate us?

Yes. Absolutely. I slept one Israeli girl. Worst sex ever. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

She was doing the movement wrong. She was going like this. She's going side to side. Like, this. Is that a Middle Eastern thing? I don't know. Yeah. Is that a roof?

Like, they have a hit thing? If I had a lamp, I would have rubbed it and fucking made her disappear. So you got, you went back. She was, today on the show, she lost her headphones at the garage. I don't know why you would bring that up. I want to hear about it. When you know I have anger problem. I know you do. You locked for your head. So I was parking because I was like, oh, fuck, I got to go do this early. How my ghost is we're cool in the game now? I know. My D. Martin soundtrack. How do I run my DMC?

You know what makes me happy about this? Lev doesn't need a fat redhead to make him funny. Who's the fat redhead? One of those gags. Oh, okay. I'm still lost. This does. This dud wasn't saying anything That whole show And then that fat redhead Really revved him up And he started murdering Oh you watched that?

Yeah Oh yeah no You were fantastic Oh thank you Wait what fat redhead I don't Does she put out like a I don't really see weight

I don't we see color They put out like a whole statement today About what I think they're like very upset Who's this show I think about everything I think about it How many people pop on

I stop Who made a statement This person Somebody sent this to me The person who you're making fun of Ego All thing Igor

The artist formerly known as Igor. He doesn't care about anything. He just wants to be funny. I like it. Leve is like, maybe we should cut this. Lev just said maybe we should cut this.

Nah. Dude, I mean, all right, whatever, up to you. I don't care. Don't make me, I don't like that either.

Wait, is it your lawsuit? No, if you want to be referenced in the suicide note, please go ahead. By all that. No, go,

please. Is it a lawsuit, though? No, no, they wrote like a long essay today about like, I've had to re-evaluate my whole life

because of this podcast. They have to be, they're like, so I don't want to pile on too hard, you know. I was pretty fucking mean on that show. You were very mean. That was a lot. It was very funny. What, did they piss you off? No, it was just, you let somebody hang themselves so much and eventually the rope snaps.

First of all, she was mean to you first. She was mean to you first. She said that you're tripping up now that she sat down. And it's because you smelled her. No, but. That's mean? Lev, I watched it. I know this person.

I've met her a couple times. I don't have a problem with her. I have no problem with anybody that was in that thing. But she attacked you first. And when you attack a comedian... I don't know. I watched it. She said something mean about you.

But to me, like, I'm not taking any of this as mean. Wow, what happened to love? We're like, you know, we're comics. That's not a comic. You want to know why? You want to know why? You want to know why? It's because he's in front of you.

No. It's because he's in front of you. It's just because somebody sent me this letter today. Because there's an essay out there. Were you mad? Who cares about an essay? No, I was just like, all right, Jesus. She all right?

I don't know. They could be dead right now. Because he knew. I don't know. It's because of me. Well, the rope did snap, you said. We could talk about it on the Patreon. This would be a good after the Patreon.

On the Patreon, we're going to read the letter. It was the same rope that holds together the Golden Gate Bridge. That's great. It's high tension. We got it. That is high tension now, motherfucker. The only reason is why he's turned on you because we were on him. I know.

I know how he's trying to get. I know how this guy's going to. All right. So, Eleanor, please. Okay, so I was parking and I got out like an elderly person and my handbag was upside down. And my headphones fell out. And you know how they shoot out when you drop them, the AirPods. So it shot out and it went underneath.

So I was like, hey, the thing, you know, I could see them. Yeah. I was like, can I do that? He goes, no, you can't reach your hand down there. You know, I have to get the owner. but he lives in Queens and I go, can you call him? And he goes, he doesn't live in New York.

I was like, I'm, I'm lost, like, Queens is in New York. I know it's far, but it's still Queens. And then he goes, he goes, I can't get him. And I didn't say this part, but I went like this, like, put my head down and I was like, kind of feeling like, oh my God,

like, you know when you get so angry? And he goes, are you going to cry? Oh, shit. He doesn't know me? You know what I mean? And I remember I had my water bottle I was looking at it. I was like, I could just bludgeon him with this. Like it just, and then I go, are you being serious right now?

And then I was like, sir, can you get him to come get it? You know, can I get them later? He goes, we close at 11. And I was like, I don't care. I need them. And he goes, you can come back tomorrow. I go, I don't live here. I live in PA.

And he was like, no, you can come back tomorrow. Read the sign. And I was like. I'm just taking a stab in the dark. Doesn't speak English. Doesn't speak English. Boy, I thought you're really. I thought he was just retarded.

Oh, I thought he was just retarded. Oh, I thought you... No, read sign. Yeah, yeah. White lady, you cannot. I think he was Jamaican. Oh. Oh, damn.

Yeah, oh, damn. And so that's why I thought Bobby was to say. Yeah, AirPods belongs to the garage. Listen here, white woman. You got to call screw face and see if he says it's okay, lady. There's not a fucking chance you're getting your headphones back. Maybe you'll give me a scotch-butted pepper and you got your headphones back, woman. I have no idea what I said to him, but he goes,

Are you being sarcastic? And I was like, what? You're like, yeah, I say the N-word sarcastic. You idiot. You didn't hear it. I used the hard R. That's not sarcasm. I'm making a statement.

Yeah. I'm like, do I have to go over there and yell it into your boom box? Do I yell it through your dreads? Where you want it? You're 70s. Because it will echo. Say it into my steel drum one day. Oh, I was so mad.

I'll leave a note in your cocoa butter. If you want to see me, I'm on the top of a coconut tree. God, I hate it. So what happened? So when I went... Did you get the air pot? No, I blew him, but I didn't get the pods back. So... But now I feel full, like I got a protein shake.

So I feel good. What? What? What? I wonder if girls were... I was hungry. I was hungry. I was swallow jizz if it does fill you up a little bit. I can imagine it feels like when you take a big sip of chicken soup.

It's like a probiotic. A cold chicken soup. The skim off the top, the fat. Oh, yeah. You got to suck out de Mero. I feel like you've done this. Eating chicken soup? No.

No. All right, guys, what happened when you went back? So he wasn't there. And then, yeah. And I go, wait, where's the guy? And I go, who do I, do I fill out something? He goes, no, no, another Jamaica. No, you don't have to fill out anything.

And I go, but do they, he goes, yeah, he wrote a report. And I go, did he write that he was a dick? You said that. Yeah. Okay. And he goes, what? And I go, he was mean to me. He was an asshole to me.

So did he write that? And he goes, no, you could take picture and write to them. And there was another phone number. I would he be like, I was an asshole. Really tore into a white woman. It wasn't my thing. I should apologize next time I see her. Oh, I was so fucking mad.

I was so glad. Here comes this ugly bitch. My car came right up, though. Yeah. I was a real dickhead to her. But she had a nice ass. I say that. Oh, thank you.

You're welcome. That's how he gets off. So why didn't, can I just say something? Don't start with the magnet. No, as a man. As a man. As a man. As a man.

As a man. As a man. As a man, I would have just went somewhere, got like some type of stick and got on there and pulled him up. 100%. Why didn't you? You wouldn't let me. Bobby, not everybody walks around with a claw stick like you do to grab shit. Bray goes on the top shelf, dude.

I did have my back scratcher with me. She saved that. And so did. joke this long-winded fucking wordy asshole. Not everybody has a cloth stick that grabs stuff off the shelf dude. You son of a bitch. You know what, dude. Listen.

That's the name of the show. Hey, well. That's what it's called? So you didn't, you didn't get it. No, so I didn't get him. He said I have to come back tomorrow. You got to buy, just buy new headphones. A hundred percent I will, but just to piss him off, I'll probably go back tomorrow. You can't just fucking spend $150 every time you drop your headphones. Right.

It's fucking stupid. I do have a backup pair at home, but. I would not have a left without him. That's crazy. But you could see them. He wouldn't. Yeah, he wouldn't. You could see them. Yeah. They were like underneath something. Yeah, but it was like a maybe. What were they under? What could you see them through? So you park your car and then the car

it moves in that thing, you know, like you park it on that thing. I don't know what it's called. With the car elevator. First of all, you're doing great. Keep doing it. Are you talking about the thing that raises up? Yes. Yeah, okay. Or raises down. Yeah. I don't think it's Bobby up the stairs. I don't think. A lift? I don't think it does this, though. Whatever.

Like, it's a ferris wheel for cars. Have you seen it? So they have fun when you're not driving. You know what I'm talking about. A ferris wheel for cars? No, you know what I'm talking about where they, like, you park your car and then it moves like an elevator with your car on. But why you say it goes around?

I fucked that up. Okay, I see. Oh, you tell them the story. It's not his story. Whatever. But I'm trying to say that it was like about this much. So even if I put my arm in there, if it moved one inch, I could have broke my arm. Oh, so it's in the mechanisms of the gears of the machine.

But there was room to get it. There was like this. much room and my skinny arm could have fit in there. I can glued some toothpicks together. A stick would have worked, but I'm not, what am I going to do? I would the stick grabbing. Exactly. I would have had chopsticks.

I would have got two. Yeah, but you could have got a broom from the thing and just fucking... No, the broom would have been too big. Imagine if you lose permanent use of your right arm over $150 into prove a point to a Jamaican man who you'll never meet again. And so I didn't want to do... Oh, they would meet again.

Oh, I'm going back tomorrow. He'd slow, I'm going to take your pocket. Once down while you're stuck before the police government. Maybe if I get a little push from the back, you can read it? No, no, you push, I he. I could have used one of his dreads to get in there. That would have picked it up. Where did you find a parking lot without Spanish guys in New York?

Right on 47th Street. Really? You don't know that parking lot? Really shitty parking on 47. No headphones parking? You never heard? Wow. Oh, the no headphones one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 155? Just crash your car. 46th Street. I'm sorry, 46th Street. That was permanent. Pernion. We needed to know. It was a block down.

I don't know. No, I don't know. Hot-Tale parking? Fun way. Fun way to say poignant. Red stripe parking? Nothing. Fun way. Is that a different way?

Am I saying to two different words? Poignant, right? Pernion. Is it poignant or poignant? Pernian. You're saying it the same way. It's poignant. Mine is an wrong.

You say it. I said pernion. You're thinking of pertinent. Oh, then I fucked up. Yeah, that's what I was saying. I'm staying out of it. I'm not smart. Old high school teacher, Lev stepped in and went,

What are you saying? Are you a high school teacher? No, but he looks like one. He does look like the wrestling coach that never made it. Everyone do sprints, not me. Back in my day, he used to almost be able to do that. Well, I'm sorry.

I offered to buy your new headphones. That was very sweet of you. I'm not going to make you spent, like I said, I have a backup pair, but it's annoying and I will go back to... Do you have like an iPhone? You think Elver can afford an iPhone? Maybe I don't know her life.

Why? No, I was just saying, you can go to... Yeah, thank. Can I have it? You want to play games. Right? Can I play Tetris on your phone? Are we that boring right now?

No, I'm saying you go to Target. You can get like wired Apple headphones for 20 bucks. I'm not doing wired. It's crazy. Plus I have like four pairs of my back. Isn't this suck when you try to help somebody and they just reject you like that? Yeah. It's like I'm offering a perfect solution to your immediate problem.

I appreciate it. You're not interested in a guy hitting you on a bar. I want a punch him in his face. Wired headphones. What, is it for you? Yeah. One time I had two pairs, like I said, I had the backup AirPods, and it had a longer thing.

I don't even know what that means. Whatever. Stem. He goes, trying to help you. Don't say whatever. He started yelling at me. He goes, what's wrong with you? Why do you have the outdated headphones on?

I'm like, can you imagine if he saw me with wires, he would throw me in underground. No, first of all, I wouldn't because the other ones cause cancer. The Bluetooth's bad for you. If you watch all the NFL players. Dude, whatever gets me out early. It's not all the NFL players. It's like it's Aaron Rogers. It's one guy won't wear.

He's the entire NFL to pop it. Well, he is one of the greatest. He is one of the greatest. Yeah, he is. No, I have the wide ones. I like the wide ones. I always keep the wired ones. I have a pair of those.

I always have them. Wide ones have better sound quality. I don't know if that's true anymore. I didn't love the cunty way you did that to me. We're like, spark it, bitch. Oh my gosh, somebody did that to me last night. Yeah, the Jamaican guy? This is.

No, that's from that's from. That's for baddies. Yeah. White women do this now. Yes, she was white. Appropriate culture. Jay, Jay got everybody to do this.

Oh, yeah? That's Jay's thing. Hold on. What does it mean? It's just tiny clap. It's like, oh, this is a tiny violin. No, it's one...

Yeah, that's what I thought at first. I was like, is this bitch saying on my set? No, it's like when hookers have fingernails and they can't applaud, so they do this. Because of their long-ass fingernails. It's hookers and also just random IT people. It's not always in between. Prove it.

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He's hot in here. What do you say? This guy can't go through seconds. Like, what the hell is happening? He's going on fire, but I don't want to like make it a thing. He's going like this. He caused a spark. Excuse me, hell.

This is actually a survival tactic. I'm sorry. I didn't see his little gay vape. Yeah, it's my gay vape. It's come flavor. They're all gay. It's cum flavor. You don't like that.

You want some? No, I don't. Why? Because I just find them, just smoke a cigarette like a person. I can't do it inside. It can't smoke a cigarette inside. Yeah, but that's the part. Just wait.

No. Like a person. Shake your life. You have a hall every five fucking second, you addict. Because it's America. It's not America. Yes, it is. Not for you.

Yeah, it is. The most for me. Less for you. More for me. Less for you. I don't know. What's your nationality? American.

That's mine. That's mine. Prove it. Let me swap. I'll swap both of your cheeks, and if it doesn't say American, I'm beating the shit out of it. Mine's USA. Mine's ASU. Arizona State University.

Yeah. Running back. Mine's Bunker Hill Community College. No way. No. Are you kidding? Hell no. That went to college?

I would shatter. I was on running back. I didn't even give a shit about college. What was his name? He said he was a running back. What was running down your back? Everything. Jamaican semen.

Really? Just for the price of one musely headphone. Serious question. Does come make you fart? Some jerk chicken down my back? You never listen. What? She doesn't.

I'm just saying something. Do you say just come make you fart? No, there's come. I know that. It does. It does? For me. Oh, that's just when he pulls out.

No, I always keep, I'm not rude. It's like a lozenger. I'm not a fucking rude asshole. Yeah. No, I said, does come make you full? Yeah. And it's like a lozinger. She's like a throat.

Girl meal. That's the original Mangarno. Just a hot load. Just a hot load made a lot of girls thin. I was fat, and then my boyfriend used to shoot loads of me while I slept. We'd do coke and you're coming in my mouth. Now I'm bad and covered in cum. You know how much cum, Lev would drink if that was true.

Very true. I think if cum made you lose a drastic amount of weight, I might start secretly drinking it and denying it. Secretly. You'd show up at the club. You'd have it on stage. I'm Lev. Having it in like a protein shaker with a ball in it? Yeah.

With one of those... Cinnamon on... With one of those bubble tree, big straws? Yeah, the bubble tea. To get the cumps? It's little cum niochi in the bottom. Oh, the cum balls. Yeah, little cum balls.

Hard cum balls. I think this last low was a little sick. I'm so glad we're guys. We don't have to drink cum. We don't have to, but I elect to. Yeah, you do. We do you. We get to.

We don't have to. We choose to. It's our privilege. As Americans. As Americans, it's our privilege. I can't believe women eat cum. It blows my mind. It's not eating.

I mean, it's not like I'm chewing like steak. You haven't had my cum, then. Yeah, his cum is thick as shit. Jesus. It comes out like Play-Doh spaghetti. Yeah, you can make a fucking horse out of his comb. It's like, I just can't like

the consistency of it. It's like slime. It's like, how do you fucking... Well, it's different Do you want us to do it or not? The first... I'm trying to make me sick over it? The first consistency is clear. Yeah. Right? That's the pre-com. Pre-check. Which is... Which I didn't think, I don't think if I had

guess would not be as bad as the latter come, which is, that's the cum. That's the chunk come. That's the chunk come. You know what I mean? And then the end come is clear again. I don't get it. Don't ask me.

I'm not a doctor. But I would think that the first bit would be all right. The second bit would be the one that makes you go, it's always that second bit. You think the first one would be like a cork and then out comes the good wine. Yeah. And kind of the sediment at the bottom. What if you're not oxidating?

That's what the, pouring it. A guy doesn't come in a glass. You never look at the legs when you're drinking a glass of gum? Listen, I'm a simoleet. Just get a whisk. You had a whisked together. There's no spit bucket in my wine tasting.

It's all swallow, baby. Have you ever tasted stuff that is it tastes different, though, right? Each person? Yeah. I would imagine, like, Vosses would taste different than Wilson's as opposed to Norton's, as opposed

to mine. Yeah, well, Nortons, you got to drink out of his ass. You guys should do a tape. Why does this cum taste like shit? That's just too far. Is it? No, it's not. I'm just saying that.

Too good. You're mad that you didn't say it first. It's too far up his ass. You'll be waiting all night. Lev, how many times you drank your own cum? Tasted it. I have tasted my own come once when I was like a kid. Gay!

No. I was like all... When you were a kid? I was like 10. I did like the pinky. dab. You gotta do like a test in Coke.

It's like a gecko lick. If you get it on you, just, uh, that's fine. That's not gay. That's science. Like escargo.

Like you're drinking from fresh water for the first time in three days. Mommy puts a little hot sauce in 11 in it. A little horse rat. And I, as a video, I bet that would make it taste better though. Horse radish. Some hot hot sauce.

That's, I mean, God bless it. That's how you want to go about it. You just start a business. We did. Guys, Com oysters.

And every, and one has a girl. Facing your friends come. Yeah. One out of every 10,000. We do, we do have the, we have the better deal in sex.

Because girls, they have to do that thing. Why do you say that, like, you have the better deal in life? No, we don't. Fuck you. Not anymore. Being a girl is a punishment

for something we did in a previous life. What are you talking about? 100%. We were a man in another life and you didn't appreciate it. What a fucking. Or it was an asshole. And they're like,

we're giving you a choice. Wait, wait, you want to fight me on it's better to be us and we're better? No, women don't have it way easier now. What? And don't say now. We have AirPods. She doesn't have AirPods. Taste on everything.

Everybody has AirPods and I don't. They get to be weak and strong. You know what I mean? I can do my, hold my own door, but can you carry these groceries? We have to be one consistent thing. Yeah, but. Which is? Gay.

An asshole. No. Gay. We have these bigger brains. Whoa, whoa. Oh, whoa. You know what? You turn to me.

Keep going. Yeah. What else? If I turn you too fast, the world will spin. I always love when the fatter person in the room makes a fat joke. I know. I like watching the two tubbies bump bellies in the corner. A lot of fat jokes today.

Anytime he had Bobby get together. Oh, okay. Yeah, Leves fat. He's fat. The only thing is sex about Leve is his hands never got fat. He still has a little tiny Jew hands. Are you out of your mind? Those are fat hands.

Let me see. No, but they're little. They're not big man hands. manicured. Yeah, he has little hands. Look at him where he holds the bottle. It looks like a huge bottle in his hand. Oh, you've got big shoulders, though, kid. You just ironed him up like a recruit?

What the fuck was that? He's got big shoulders. You're going to tackle him? Well, I feel bad that you lost your headphones. I'm so sorry. I thought you said you went to jail. No, because I was gonna. I was, I didn't like the way he talked to me. I don't care about the iPod, the pod, whatever. The way he talked to me. It freaked me out.

And I was like, so I get angry like that. I know, you're a violent woman. You're making me angry. You're making me angry. You don't fight. Have you ever been on a fight? Why would you assume that, Bob? Your face, your shoulders, your hands, your nose.

Mustache. I would have started with that. Yeah, your mouth. Well, these are all very sound reasons. The vape alone. I've been angry enough to fight. I've never been in a fight. But I feel like I don't, if I was in a fight,

I wouldn't observe, like, the fight rules. I'm attacking, like, a chimpanzee eyes and genitals first. And then it's... Wait a minute. Reverse that. Genitals and eyes? There you go. Or I'm trying to do both. I'm trying to give you a pink eye.

I bet you don't even get to the eyes. It's someone's talking shit. Kick them in the nuts so hard that they don't have children anymore. Like, that's the easy solution. Oh, that's too far. Wait, wait. We're fighting. Why hurt the kids?

I don't want him to make a new generation of him. Why should the children suffer for the sins of their friends? father. Yeah, right. I'm making the whole world blind. Have you ever been in a fight? No. No.

No. Not's not like sparring. Like boxing sparring. You're talking to him or me and him? I looked at Lev. I'm sorry. I should have said Lev. I feel like I'm playing fish with my mother.

Certainly does. She's bottoming out. Anyway. She's bottoming for everyone. Our mom's real sick, guys. She's not sick. She's sick with it. She's just elderly.

Sick with it. So how's the throat goat? How's your mother? She's good. By the way, I wish she was a throat goat. There's 10 of us. So I think she lost that goat thing. I've only heard that one time of my life.

And when I heard it, that it made me so happy. I forgot it. And now to hear it again, I said, oh, it's going in the lexicon. You got to bring it in. The throat goat. That's great. It's a great way to say it. Yeah.

You've never been a fight. Love, you look like you've been in fights. I'm a Jew, dude. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but you're very cunty. I imagine somebody has... I imagine many people who don't fight me. He's never been in a fight, but he's passed out many beepers.

And he will get his day. He's passed out what? Beepers, the whole Israeli beeper thing, where they made... They passed him out. Just read, I sort of let him try to explain it. That was just too deep. So I'm glad you explained it. I'm sorry.

The joke was the beeper. Go back to the... I was like, is he making fun of his age? I don't think that's it. No, sorry. I forgot. about the beeper thing? The beeper thing was real The bomb dana dead? This is just like a fat

anchorage for you know. You can give it to me. I'll take it. Use the traditions. What are you doing? That's the whole point of this. I know, but it really shook me where I just froze in my seat. It's like, when do you watch someone die in front of you? There's a thing that he said it and then he looked around the table like, got it? No, we don't. It's crazy. It's crazy how no one got that. Sorry. That was news. I was actually holding it to see if Voss comes up.

It's news if you're interested. There you go. You might not be interested. Is somebody bombing up here? Hey, guys. Did somebody show you Israeli beepers? Oh, the whole time he was chewing gum, too. That was the best.

He's not, no, this. He's drinking guy. He's drinking, I thought it was an noise. He's like a minoos. He's drinking diet fucking Pepsi. On the fucking show, like this, though. He's literally going like that. Yeah.

Yeah. No respect this guy. And then he never made it. Then he was burping. And then he was chewing fucking nicotine gum into the microphone. And then the conversation part was not doing in the microphone. But the chewing. the gum and drinking into the microphone.

That kind of rules. I got him back on his side. I love that. Yeah, you would, you fucking. Just him opening up sun chips and crunching. He doesn't even eat them. Yeah. He puts them away. Sorry, I got really into origami.

I used parchment paper. He's just doing folly work. Oh, my God. He gives you what a rain sound. Guys ever want to hear horses, hooves on gravel? He's doing like ASMR, like, banging xylophones. So good. Yeah.

And then lightning strikes. Where are you from, man? Arizona. Arizona. Are you new in town? How long you've been here? Two and a half years. I fucking, because I just saw you on the pod the other day.

Yeah. You were having a blast. I was having a great time. You were really just zinging some shit in. I was... You were stoned out of your mind. No, I was slightly hammered. You were hammered.

Yeah. Now, is this weed in your vape, or is this regular vape? This is just regular vape. Got it. Just want to know if you're hammered. Do you want a drink? I'll take a drink. Yeah.

I felt in a... I was going to get a tall boy before I came here, but you're sober. You can drink. We got drinks right behind you, too. That's crazy. If you want some. No, not at all. A little, whiskey.

Yeah, if anybody wants something, let me know. Yeah, no, it was great, but I, Lev, you were kind of fucking just sitting there, and then I'm watching it, and then she said something to you, and you got so angry, so fast. And God damn it, did a lot of venom come out of you. No, I think. That was hilarious. It wasn't a guy.

I didn't get angry. It was just that I'm trying to pick my spot. You called her a fucking bitch. Like in front of him, everyone. Just be like, be quiet, you fucking bitch. I said dumb cunt. But it was a tag. It was a tag?

Yeah. A tag from what? I wasn't angry at all. I was just trying to get jokes off. But I'm trying to, I think the more I talk on a show, the worse it is. Yeah, we all feel that way. Yeah. That's how I feel watching it back.

So I'm like, I'll just pick my spot. Real quick. Can you put your jacket back on, please? I will. Can somebody get it? get him a drink and some food? Shut up. Oh, my God. If someone wants to get me a tall boy, I'll give them cash.

No, just get him a tall boy. I'll pay for it. Here. Cours Light. All right, don't get crazy. Dude, we're going to be here for another 20 minutes. You can't fucking... Well, we've got to do the Patreon. Remember that? We're reading the letter. Two whiskeys here.

Yeah, dude, you're thin. Make us Mac. Yeah. No tattoos, either. No tattoos. Congrats. Trying to get buried in a Jewish cemetery. Are you Jewish, too? No, just for networking. You thought he was Jewish?

Yeah, you don't come off as Jewish. No. But not you do too much. I want to say something, Lev. He's quick as shit. He's good, yeah. I like it. Cockby pod, baby.

He's very fucking quick. What do you think? We're taking anybody? Well, they took you. Well, after that, we changed our policy. Clearly, it was a terrible example. Colum was like, we can't have two on the show. He brought me on a golf.

I was like, dude, you got to be more selective. Who's on this podcast? You two? I was doing Colum Turrell. Oh, great. Yeah, we record. in here. It's a very,

there are three, I mean, I just met you, but Lev is very mean, but in a good way. Yeah. And Colum is too. So funny. Very funny.

But you know what's funny about that Skanks episode? I was really, I was like, I am at my best when I'm calling a woman who deserves it bad things. That's what I'm at my funniest.

I don't know how to turn that into a thing. Yeah, you can just look in the mirror. Put on a wake and look in the mirror. And see what they see. And then feel what you feel. It's because, I'll tell you what it was. You were sitting there and this fucking chick attacked you, came at you,

and that's when you're at your best when someone's attacking you. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. When somebody's attacking you, you fucking, uh, you should. Even if it was a dude, you would have went back just as hard, correct? Yeah.

You're back against the road. Yeah. I just want to find out. I want to make sure you're not just women fashion out. But it shows that you do have a heart because you read whatever the letter we're going to read on patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. Whatever you're going to, whatever that letter was, that you have empathy.

I think it's an essay. Oh, yeah, I do have a lot of empathy. Like, I just don't want to be the reason some fucking fan of a show offs themselves, you know what I mean? Was it that deep? Oh, gee. Would you get a teardrop tattoo? Fuck no. I'd get a mayo drop for her. If she killed...

Yeah, I'd get a tear drive. That's a body, bro. That's crazy. That's how comics count bodies. I made this many people kill themselves. I made this many people shit their pants. It's just shit emojis. He's all down the side of your face. I'm starting to think this guy's Indian. I like that.

Yeah, it was vicious, but it was... Now, are they going to fight at Skankfest, right? Hopefully. I think so. Who's fighting? First of all, are you... The two women that were going to war on Skagit. Are you close to your parents?

Yeah, yeah, they're like my best friends, yeah. Oh, you're your best friends. Doesn't that, like, show in his... Like, how softly he approaches the world that his parents are very nice to him? I like that. You know what I mean? Are your parents not nice to you? Now my dad is nice to me.

I guess, but like he was a, we feared him in the house. Why, what do you mean? How do you feel? That's how you're supposed to have a dad. Was he a big guy? Big guy and my mom, he would just work just to avoid my mom. And my mom was like, wait till your dad gets home. He's gonna fuck you up.

Sure. Like me and my mom, he's like fistfight every day when I was a kid. You and your mom. Such a different childhood. Hold on a second. You put your hands on your mom? I was a kid. She would just start fucking fist fighting me.

It was crazy. Yeah, you don't raise your hand. It's not crazy. I put my hands all over his mother all the time. I've never struck my mom. Listen, listen. But, like, Ellen went to school with a chalkboard. It was a different time.

So you never hit a woman back then, and you held the door for them. No, I never, like, went here. Yeah, but even my father, he beat the shit out of my brothers. They never put their hands up to him. Yeah. You don't hit your parents. Well, you guys had a Philly shell going on. No, but how do you defend yourself?

What was that? Give him that fucking thing. Yeah, you get to toss it. Philly shell? It feels good to throw it, right? It does feel good. You don't hate your parents. You'll get it back.

I didn't hate my parents. What I'm saying is like... Is that a white thing? Fucking Ellen just talk... Stop call me Ellen. Eleanor just talks over everybody. She doesn't have to do podcasts. We were in the middle of something.

You yap. Fuck you. Let him answer the question. You fucking talk over everybody. Just let them answer, you fucking loudmouth, Philly Broad. The soft... Fuck you. My mom is like not a stable person.

So it was just a lot of fun. Like, literally, we'd be like driving to school or something. She'd be driving me. And then, like... I would say something that piss her off, then she would just start swinging on me on the fucking way to school. But I wouldn't hit her back or anything,

but that was just like, that was like every day. But you said you hit her back. No, I said we would like fight. I was exaggerated. How did you fight like this? Yeah, it's called the Kelly. Is it?

No, yeah. What happened was the first time I remember I was like, oh, I guess I'm big enough now because she tried to hit me and I restrained her wrists. And then I was like, ha, you can't fucking hit me anymore. And then she'd need me right in the dick. She pulled his move.

Yeah. Ah, ha. I felt like a smart woman So your father hit you though Right? A few times It was like Honestly the older I get the more I'm like I had it coming yeah I get it

I was a nightmare to raise I think me and my dad were just always We're very buddy buddy so like no matter what We would just talk shit out and be honest And we would just make bits like the entire I think I got spanked once when I was like six Yeah but we wanted it you know we just kind of look back at each other This is the shit ever

No you got to look back to each other I'm like what are we doing here You look back to you dabbing you. I'm like you spanking you. I'm like you fucking spanked me. Did you do this? Oh, thank you, dude. Put a little speed into it.

Was your. No. I'm not even hard. No, you got to keep it in the bag, though. We can't show it on air. Oh, shit. I got to drink it like a homeless. You made, I'm kidding.

You're fucking idiot. Now I'm doing it for real. Wow. You made this bad. You made this bad. Go get you a beer on another podcast. I said whoever. I said whoever.

Wow. That's going to get brought up on our show. Oh, my God. Is that bad? You know, you think that's bad? Why? That guy makes more money than us on our show. How much money do you make more money?

You're producer. Oh, no, he didn't. We pay this kid, too. You pay Joe? Yeah, of course we pay Joe. Is Joe your producer? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that.

Joe, you're fucking moonlighting, you piece of shit. He's walking. Yeah, and I do it right before this podcast. He cucks you, dude. No, I cook. He still got the taste of us on his breath when he's talking to you. I know I tasted something. I tasted bacon and vaping.

You taste it barbecue. He's like, you're producing for a lav, aren't you? You piece of shit. I knew it. Your parents hit you. 100%. It explains the fifth. Shit.

What the fuck? Explain the what? The face. Just get it. You beat the shit out of me. Eleanor could take a hit, man. Seriously. 100%.

A good compliment for a woman. But it's on my Tinder profile. I can take a punch. Love long walks, could take a punch, willing to spar. I don't care about walks. I love. I feel like a little. up really quick on kids.

I feel that feeling. We don't need dinner. Yeah. Did your father hit you or your mother hit you? My father did both, but my parents split up. My parents split up. Yeah. Right.

So the whole punching backwards. Oh, God, yeah. What did you call her mom again? Oh, throat coat. Yeah, she is. The slop queen. My dad, obviously, she's slobbered it out and went inside. I just need one more.

Yeah. Do you have time? But they used to do that. My dad used to do that. that and because there was so many of us we would push each other into the front. Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. And my brother Charlie would just get fucking rammed. So funny.

Constantly. Really? How many siblings did you have? I have nine. Wow. What the fuck? That's a problem. So she's so her up. You should use your throat more. 100%. I say it all the time. She gets mad at when I say it. Wow. So all these rejects pumping out of this fuck factory that is your mother. That is a fuck factory. me one more, you gave me a whole sentence. What the fuck thing?

Dare you call my mother a fuck. Why didn't I find that? She had sex. He had to go to the fuck factory today. What a waste. What a waste of Coleman fucking Colman Levin wasting your talents. You could have me back anytime.

I'd love to have you on the show every week. You fucking piece of shit. Oh my God. Yeah, it's crazy. It's stupid. But my dad was also a crazy hitter. You know, that was crazy Hitler? Hitter.

You thought regular Hitler was bad. He was crazy Hitler. Wait to see. Hitler hit the fuck factory. My favorite show. He shaved the outside of his mustache. He's like, my pussy fuck factory. He called it the fuck chamber.

Yeah. The throat god. Present to me the throat got. Evil. We're talking about our mom. Osrelein. He's petting her with the back of his head. By the way, if she was here, she would rip you guys to shreds.

I'd kick her down the stairs. She'll fuck you up. Watch my... Right back. Watch my size 12 shoe get enveloped in that 10-kid snatch of hers. She'd take it in and your leg. Take you all the way in. Yeah. You're a size 12.

Yeah. How tall are you? Six foot. Oh, no, shit. You got a big piece. I'm Irish. You know, small piece. Whoa, whoa. What? They're coming from.

So you're Irish, you have a small? It's average. It's nothing that I would write home about. Wait, how tall are you? That's what I meant. Six foot. Six foot. Yeah. Okay.

I thought you said six four. I was like, God damn. How did I miss this? I were stilettos. Yeah, I was like, what? You got so disappointed when she found out of a small ding ding. Can I see it? Yeah.

On our wedding day. Okay, great. I knew you're going to say that. God damn it. That's when you hear me say the hard art. What a prude, huh? I feel like you probably have a thick piece, right? No, I got a nice piece.

I imagine it looks like the top of your head. I don't know why. You can see it. Put a little glasses on it. I think everybody, this is my theory. Everybody's dick looks like that. So, nicely.

Yeah, just talk over everything. Sorry. She's just a yapper. I think everybody's fucking. She really does. He did it. You did it. Eleanor, quit yapping.

That's bad. She doesn't know how to fucking podcast. I don't give a shit. I think she's doing great. Thank you. For a woman? She's talking into the mic? That's amazing.

That's crazy. She's not trying to suck it out of reflex? I think everybody's dick looks like their face. Really? Yeah, I think your dick... Just because people call you a dick face. I know. Maybe that's why.

Like, you know, Leves is fat and juey looking? Yours is thin. It's probably got like a weird vein in it. I'm aerodynamic. Yeah. Yeah, it's probably a little thin. They call it the thin and nasty. I break the land.

speed record every time I fuck. Yeah, I think you have a scraggly pub. Oh, yeah, he's definitely good. I keep him trims. Thin is not good. I keep him trimmed down. You trim your pubs down? Yeah, I keep it like a 5 o'clock shadow.

Oh, really? Yeah, that's disgusting. Five o'clock shadow. Hey. Not bad. Yeah, mine is short and thicker. You got a thick one like your fucking face. I don't know.

I can't tell if it's actually thick or if I'm just looking for a cope, you know? Interesting. Most last time you saw it? Fucking years, man. Yeah. I know. It's a good feeling.

When was Groundhog's Day? We had three more months of winter. Three more months of obesity. Mine is very nice. It's a little thin. You would have a nice. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty good.

Well, you got beautiful hair. Thank you. So I know down there looks up. Oh, yeah. Down, it's pretty close. Pretty similar. Oh, if you had a fucking feathered bush hair, that'd be so hot.

I'd blow dry it. I imagine, like, your pussy is like when Mufasa and Simbar are looking over their lands. And they're like, what is that dark spot over there? Right. He's like, we don't go over there. It's melanoma. First of all, you think it's dark? No, it's just...

You think she dies down there, too? No, it's where evil lives. It's shadowed by my hair, is what he's saying. I'm saying her pussy looks like an elephant graveyard. A lot of big elephant cock have died in there. How did I not have you on the show before? This kid's fucking hilarious. Lev, you're doing great.

You're doing great. What are you doing? But this guy's awesome. Who has the special out here? No, he's got... He's all right. This was going to help him. I have a day job.

He saved himself on our pod today. He wanted to bring it tonight. Why did you bomb on your pocket today? All day. Fuck not. I did all right. I'm joking. We penned a letter to a prison inmate today on our Patreon.

Oh, that's amazing. On Patreon, we're writing to Vince Champ. Yeah. What are you saying to him? I just, we're big fans. We're asking him for comedy advice. We are. We're pretending to be.

Who is it? I should have give this away. We should have give it away. Don't give it away. Check out their podcast. Who is this guy? Vince Champ was the serial rapist who used to rape chicks

at every college gig he played. Oh, and they found out because they went back and, you know, I was around when that happened. Yeah, you were always around. I was actually, it wasn't him, it was me. Boss was telling us that he got caught through like all the dates on his calendar.

I'm like, that's why they never caught you. It couldn't have been me. My calendar's empty. Unless you got raped. Chikin' Chicka Pac-wah. Yeah, unless you got raped by your seafood boil. Unless you got raped on a Tuesday at Uncle Vinnie's. Tell you what you're me.

Hey, I'm going to be there Friday and Saturday. Uncle Vinnie's? Yeah, hilarious. Eleanor. Oh, yeah. Uncle Vinnie's, you're about to get Grandma Eleanor. Oh, God. Eleanor, we're old.

I know it. I'm fine with it. I'm happy about it. You guys are old, though. I think you guys are just the fucking grisels. dying veterans. I'd rather take old. No, you're a helpless, dementia-ridden

freaks. Hang on one second, he's got a good one. It's not even going to be good. Don't put that much pressure on it. Now I'm not saying it. Okay, good. See what I mean? That's supportive parents right there. You could just tell he didn't fistfight on the way to school. Yeah, he just gave up. It's okay to give up, son.

No, I'm not. I'm not. I can tell you might joke. Didn't know if it was a gym. Didn't want all the pressure on me? We're moving on. Oh, wow. What a fucking two-parent had facking Amazing. My bad. I was raised properly like God intended.

How bad you? Unlike you street rats. Did you get hit growing up? Yes. I had a stepfather used to fucking punch me. Beat me up. Fuck me up a lot. Yeah.

And called me an idiot and slapped me in the head. Boy. Yeah, for like five years. He was a violent. What did you learn? I learned not to be stupid. And to be home on time. You know what?

And not to peek at him in the shower. And not to watch him poo. And not to do it again. And not to do it again. And not to lay underneath the bubbles in his bathwater. And not to move my arm this time. And to hold still. Just a coffee straw coming out of his bath water.

Just be like, Bobby, you playing submarine in there? What I tell you about that, you little queen? Yeah. Stop going two knots down bubble. Wow. That's a submarine reference. We got it. It's not a call.

Don't blame us. Please don't blame us I think he's killing it But don't blame us I blame you entirely Put your du rag on and shut up I will wear this like a duress But I don't

I mean my son has what he has We don't hit him Beautiful Autism You don't ever hit him No thank God Do you have autism? No, probably

No, no Yeah you definitely have something I don't know Yeah you have something You have something There's something wrong with you I mean you know what I see you and your kid It reminds you of like

My dad and me I'm like that must have been what he felt He had this little fat kid that he fucking loved hanging out with. My kid's not fat. He's fat, Bobby. He's a piece of shit. Do you write bits? You're talking about my kid.

I'll fucking, fucking. How's that? You like that? I'm joking. Are you bad? Don't joke about my kid. I was... Joke about my kid again.

I'll fuck you up right now. I didn't know that it was a thing. I thought we were fucking around. We're joking about moms and stuff. I apologize. I'll jump across my mother horrible thing. I'm genuinely sorry. In the ultra-heavyweight bout we have Bobby Kelly.

I will jump across this table and fucking bury you. You got me? We just- He's fucking all the fuck-down-down- He's genuinely angry And now I feel bad You motherfucker All the things they said

About my mom I couldn't throw something I was kidding I was kidding You were serious You got mad You motherfucker You just felt all of the boss anger

He's bottled up today I apologize I would have never let him hit you I would have tackled him And beat the fuck out of it No no no I'm kidding what you did I

That was not a kid You got actually mad, and then you realized I was fucking around. Now you're showing proofs not fat. Your kid's not fat. Okay. Now we can... And now we're having fun. Whatever.

I bet it adheringly. I was a little fat kid. I was kidding. I'm sorry. I would never hit you ever in my life. I love you more than life itself. You know that. There's no way that's true.

That's completely bullshit. I swear to God. That came from somewhere. That started very real. I was kidding with you. I'm sorry. Look at me. No, you don't have to apologize.

Look at me. I don't care. bad at the end because you really were like, hey, man, I'm just I'm just, I hate it. When we met, I pissed him off. And then I was like, no. And then I felt very bad. You're just being you? I was like, you know, you never know, some people's lines, like they have a certain thing.

No, you can call my kid fat. You can call him, you can call him, you can call him, you can call him. I'm not fucking touch it anymore. I'm so happy I didn't follow up with a tag right after he said it. But he had one. I had one. I had one. I was going to say the apple doesn't fall from the very heavy tree. It's a redwood. This kid's great.

This kid is my favorite kid of all time. I wish I had you fucking 10 years ago. We'd be stars right now. Oh, man. No, love, I'm sorry. But it was funny to see you again. Here's the candle throw a bandana. I'm sorry if I heard of your feet.

He gets the towel back. I love that. You got actually mad. I swear to God, look at me. I swear to God, I was fucking fucking with you. All right. Because.

Then you got to act more. That was fucking. Yeah, way more. You're a great actor. I am a great actor. Everybody knows that. He is a good actor. What the fuck are you saying about that?

What is that mean? See, that was fake. You're all out of candles, Bobb. Shut the fuck up. I'll fucking murder you right now. Nope. Fake. I'll fuck you up.

Fake. Now I'm out. It's all acting until I have to stand up. That's true. So it's not offensive. I just needed some motivation. I didn't have motivation on this one. Am I sitting too close?

No. No, no. You're good. Right. Right. I'm wearing a full gas mask. That's why he's vaping. He doesn't vape.

He's actually vaping because of you right now. It's cotton candy. Yeah, this is mostly just chlorox. This is what you threw? Yeah, it was just plastic. That's a full metal crevass to hold it. Oh, my God. I thought it was plastic.

I'm sorry. It's a full metal crevice. I thought it was a can. I literally just, I feel bad when I upset people. That's all the... Don't feel bad. Keep doing it. I also feel bad.

He feels bad about the girls. He feels bad about me. You gotta grow some bull. I gotta like watch that back and be like... I can't... This is the conversation they have with me on cockfight where there's like,

you gotta grow the fuck up, man. You gotta start calling children retarded. I'm like, what is this? This was a woman that love offended at the comedy cellar two nights ago. Oh, no. What does this come from? Talking about feeling bad

when you upset people. Oh, this one I did not feel bad about it all. We don't need audio, thank you for that. Yeah, no audio guys. No, guys. Go back. Her pussy looks like it tastes like dimes. I don't, the thing is I don't want to give this person.

Hang on one second, Lev. Lev, leave, hang on a second. Stop, stop, stop, stop. What'd you say? I said her pussy looks like it tastes like dimes, you know, like a bad pH balance. Okay. You don't have to. I just wanted to do it again.

I just, four men sitting at a table here, I want to explain female genitalia. The thing is, I think this person might be crazy, and they put out another video about me today. Let me ask a question. The girl with the middle-aged one with purple hair is crazy? Yeah. Yeah. What about the one with the pink behind her? She got kicked out of a show I was on. Go ahead.

She put out a video about it. I would fuck the lady on the far left. She's not with them. Oh, okay, cool. She's a hammered. Tried to make a joke saying that vegans are losers and we booed him. We boot him. We booed him.

Wait a minute. Let me ask you a question. Why did they get kicked out? They were laughing. Yeah. And they're vegans. Why would you kick out? Why would you have vegans?

That's one of the biggest travesties about how many people are just kicked out for only laughing. It's nuts. It happens all over the country. And for being vegans. Yeah. What the fuck would you do that?

You let vegan sit in your audience respectfully? There's no way. You're a different comics, pal. I mean, I just love this visibly 65-year-old woman with pink hair. I hope this girl kills herself and leaves a letter.

Another letter. Just writes thanks, I get two suicide letters. Thanks, Lev. She just wrote, Lev, you talked about my kid, and I couldn't handle it. I hope my kid kills himself and says it's because of what you said. He goes, Dad, I didn't want to be fat. I'm sorry, I got your gene, and you fucking, I find him.

I got your jeans, and they're 48 wide. I got your jeans and they're too small, dude. What the fuck did you say? I didn't admit you got mad. You got it worked up. Come on. I did not. I didn't get worked up.

I was fucking with you. But when you got scared, it made me happy. It did make me happy. You did worry me a little bit. I did. I watched the veins in the side of your head flow like rivers. Like a map you can touch. It was great. You should say, you're watching you scream at love. I'm like, holy shit, this is a fun episode. This is the person.

He just kept trying to rip. Yeah, I'm trying to make mommy and daddy's top fight. This is the thing with him as happy as mom. He did nothing to protect you, by the way. Yeah, he just started, he kept trying to earn points in fucking Rip City. Well, yeah, first off, that's where I live. baby. And also, listen, when people are, I'm not going to stick my neck in so I could be cannon fodder, he's going to throw me next. Are you kidding me? I would never do anything to you.

Thank you. I love you. I love you too. And you're my new favorite. Well, thank you. He's just saying that to try to get under my skin. He doesn't even like or respect you. I believe him a little. I think I believe him. Put your hand in my hand. I'm scared. Don't do it, man. I'm telling you did this to be at Skagfest. It went really bad. Put your hand in my hand. I just saw the way I died. In a fat guy's hand? I'm underneath you. I love you. I can't look at you. And I respect you. And I'm very happy that we met. Thank you. You're my new favorite. Okay. Cool. And I want you to believe it.

I will. Okay. Also, this isn't the first time I met you. We had a conversation that's getting blessed. But I see it was memorable. Also, I had a different haircut. So I can understand. Yeah, that was it. Okay. So anyways. Okay. This is worse than what happened at the comedy shop. What happened at the comedy shop? They know. I don't know, but it was funny.

It was the whole, like, the lady said that she got, like, doot-to-dozed. You know, like, the guy tried to grab her percy. What? Yeah. You know about the store. You know about this story. I don't.

It was the club that Joe got married at. They're the owner. Oh, oh. When I'm thinking, I'm thinking comedy store, but it's comedy, what does it call? Shop. The one around the corner. Yeah, comedy seller, comedy store, comedy shop, okay.

It's not my fault you don't know it. Why are you saying that? No, it's not your fault. No, it's my fault. Okay, I'm sorry. But I'm giving you the reason why I didn't know it. Okay, I appreciate it. Are you getting hot?

I've been hot, do you mean? Okay. You see his new special? He's on fire. You pan over, I'm just pretty usually sweating. I did watch a lot of special. You watched it? I did.

No, you did it. I swear to God. Is that why you get so mad at me? Oh, my God. That whole situation brought us back to Eleanor's childhood. She just tried to get behind you. So you were the one getting it? I was ready to fight Bobby, though.

No, you weren't. Yeah, I was. I'd fight you in a second. Let's do it. Let's wrestle. I used to wrestle. You would, I don't get, howl. I used to wrestle guys in your house.

You're 50. You pull up Easy Rider and show these people that I... Oh, no, she was a professional wrestler. What? Yeah, she was a professional wrestler. Really? Take it back. I didn't say anything.

I'm kidding. Wait, so what were you going to say? Sorry. I said you're old and you're doing it too bad. 100%. Yeah, I would take you out in two seconds. No. And you have vagina.

Which is the ultimate weakness. I know how to five-finger death punch you using a code on your pussy. So hot. You take five steps in your heart stuff. So excited about it. I wonder if you could kill a woman from reaching inside her pussy and just grabbing something and pulling it out.

You blow air in there, they say. What? That's something. What? You blow air in the pussy and they die? Something like that. We got to test that. I think that's just how to get fat.

Oh, shit, I was kidding. There's El-No, right there. This fucking... Is this you? Are you easy rider? Yeah, look, given the Bronco Buster. That's her. That's you?

You were a wrestler? Yeah, she was a wrestler. And wow. Yeah, she wore jeans. World of Warcraft? Yeah, look at her. World of War. Oh, let's...

Eleanor, you are a badass. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. There's my son right there. Thank God you did have it on. Thank God you did have it on.

You would have been killing me. Oh, go back. Let him hear it. No. Go back, let him hear it. You ever split? Listen. You ever want to see a Philadelphia six?

What did you say? Thank you. There you go. She went, oh, yeah. Like Kool-Aid. She's hot right there. Was thug? The big one?

No, the one. Not the big one on the back. Jolly? Yeah. I was about to say jelly roll Who's holding that shit bag? Oh shit. I got beat up a lot.

See, I could take a pud. Now, hey, let me ask you question. Were these girls, do they fuck? Not each other, but they were, yes. So could I go there and meet one of them and hook up? This show's still long.

No, but like if I... Obviously new girls. Back of the day, could I go to one of those shows? What if it was the same girls? There's only one and she's phenomenal. In a Jerry Act. Jungle Girl's the best. Why did you quit wrestling?

Got canceled. Oh, I think you said it was still going on. No, they brought it back. They brought it back years later. Would you wrestle again? No, but I was doing commentary for them. How did you get into wrestling? I went to an bad audition.

What was your name again? Easy Rider. Is it because it's only bottled water? Your rider? Oh, God. God, damn it. Can you say something about it? No, no, no, no.

Now you got to put it on. I want to say something about that before you take it. You're going to take it. That was too much. That was too good. You understand? Too good? Dumb it down.

Easy rider? Rider? Supportive father, Bobby. When you go out of town, I'll tell you why. For stuff in your green room, no green M&Ms. I don't know what you mean, but come on, man. How am I the least successful person explaining this here?

The fucking he made easy rider. I got it, but it stinks. It was too good. I would like to ask the people, if there are people that watch this. Oh, that's good. To rate this. Come back on again. Trash the people that are watching.

Oh, yeah, come back in. If you're out there, I want you to rate that. They're not out there. Nobody's getting. I feel like Norman Desmond. You can come back on anytime you want. If you're out there. Can I say something, though?

We've never watched that. I would not put that. No, yeah. Take it all. It smells. kidding awful it's been around because i was sitting on it yeah it's been around for 15 years you guys lost a good line i once saw bobby sneeze into it yeah i've actually sneezed into a bunch of times that was what they put on patrice's head my god look at the stains and the white yeah you used to be

bobby's about to suck them out of it you know what dude you don't joke about me sucking out the stains you fucking in both of my fucking sweet spots today dude you don't joke about my fucking son and the fact that I suck out the stains on a dirty laundry, dude. You know that's fucking ketchup, dude. You know it's ketchup. Don't joke about my fucking stain sucking. Don't use this. You know I like stains.

I think deep down, Bobby does not like me. Leve, I like some a little shit. Jealous of you? What have I said about Lev, Danny? You said we have to have him on tonight to promote a special. And what did I say? That sounds more like a way to have a lot. Because you had fucking Danny the autistic say it.

Everything he says is down. I just got a gig this weekend. Listen, I think Lev is one of my... Love is one of my... Love is one of my favorite comics because he reminds me of like me and Norton and Vaugh... A lot of comics that are coming up are...

You guys are the ones that shaped me. Well, they're fucking... I was about saying, shaped into this. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Well, we didn't finish. Yeah. Thank you.

You didn't even yell at them. They interrupted you. They talked over. over you because they don't have a vagina. Will you quit yapping, Eleanor? Men are speaking. God damn. I don't get it. Please.

Thank you. Thank you very much. You like your secretary mouth off like this? I don't. I don't. Buy on the papers and zip it, Eleanor. Whatever. If I see another long skirt on you, I'm hitting you with a ruler. All right? Now I'm wet.

You've been wet. It's more swampy. Damping here. It's a sad. Yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, less wet and more humid. You can actually put your cigars down there

and then keep it. Yeah. You have humidor pussy? It's the opposite of Monica Lewinsky. Give me the towel. No, I love you. I love you. I think you're one of my favorite new comics. Oh, thanks, man.

You're one of my favorites. I respect you a lot. But, I mean, I really like this guy. I'd rather be loved. I'd really like him. I think the fact that you call him, because Colin's one of my favorites, too. Colum's great.

You, Colum, and what's your name again? It's Tristan. Tristan. Fucking hilarious. It's crazy how much you like me. Not to remember that? Buddy, it's going to take time.

That name's tough. Tristan? It's like Tristan with the T. That's silly. I'm named after Brad Pitt from Legends of the Fall. Bobby starts thinking about Triscuits. Dude, do we got some cheese? That reminds me, dude.

I fucking love Sharkin. Do you have any Triscuit stains I can suck out of anything? What I tell you about sucking? I love triscuits. I use triscuits as drywall in my savory gingerbread house. I have a tiny house made entirely out of trisket. Oh, man, the rebars, slim jimps did. Filling a savory gingerbread.

I put panchetta as the roof. I like it. I don't do fat jokes, but I'll laugh at them. What? I don't. I don't like that. I don't know. I don't know.

Why don't you like fat jokes? Are you to make fat jokes? Yeah, something gets me. I don't know what it is. You don't, like, call somebody fat? No. What happened? I don't know.

Were you called fat as a kid? No. My brother Johnny used to call me a fat truck driver. Were you a fat truck driver? Was he trying to tell the future? What are the man jobs did you have? I mean, you were in debt. I think he was just pitching you

wrestling names. You're the fat truck driver. You're bitch lightning. All right. We're going to wrap this up. You're the nager. The nagger. Make sure you pronounce the A.

With a hard A. It's very important. She's like, yeah, I'll yell at you in a theater. All right. Ah, fuck me, dude. God. God, you... Good times at Heckville.

You guys are fucking funny. Eleanor is going to be at Uncle Vinnie's Friday and Saturday night. Yes. Make sure you go check her out. This comes out on Sunday. Oh, shit. But we're live. We're live, right?

Yeah. So what are you saying? I can't, right? Sure. Normally we promote the next week. All right, but we're going to, I want people to go. Eleanor is the fucking best. Go see you live.

Eleanor truly rules. Everybody loves Eleanor. Thank you. I try hard. She is fucking hilarious. Ellen rules. She is one of the best. Great woman.

for a woman Interested Terrible mother Yeah my name's terrible too We should honestly have like WOWW women of wrestling We should have that for comedy Like the women of comedy

It's a separate league We do WOC It's called the big leagues It's walk because you walk the crowds Who's the fun Funny Alano is funny

How would you know? Love's my favorite again That was a good one am I fighting I'm just trying to split us up then I know that I actually pissed you off earlier and I am sorry you didn't piss me off

I did and I am sorry I want you to know I really respect you I don't want you to be sorry can you stop being a fag and you I'll talk over you every time I don't like that one like what one you flipped out on him

I did not I feel you were mean you did flip out it was mean but it was funny it was a mild flip out it was not funny you fucking made the vibe weird as hell dude it was crazy I had to pull it out of the mud

It was really good. It was good. I should have had you help me with my audition earlier. It was good. I thought it was great. I did it in the car. Lev turned into a little fat boy in the back of his car with his mom. I did it in the car.

Levin would have done if I went across the table to grab my wrists. You can't hit me. All right, check her out. What is this? I'm not going to hit you, stupid. You have a stain on your shirt. I know that's upon me, idiot. What I say about stains

Oh, man You'll never bond me, dude You're gonna follow me, you're gonna bond me All right, ready This is coming out Sunday What is this? Leves dates What site is this shit thing on?

This is Bobbykelly.com What is this? This is love for comedy.com. Go check out my date. Why do you have no, like, anything on it? It's just a plain white piece of paper. Hey, that's not the room. Why don't you go on Punch Up? A. I emailed them. They didn't get back to me.

Oh, you got to get on punch you. All right. What are you going to be? I got Winnipeg coming up 19 through 23rd. It's a great club. Rumors. Philadelphia. That's coming up. That's moving fast. Janesville, Wisconsin at the Comedy Cabin, San Diego Comedy Store, L.A. Comedy Store, Chicago. Skangfest and I got a what's it called? A bunch of Canadian dates in Minnesota going up soon. Loveforcom.com. Yeah, make sure you check them out of Philly. They'll be great because the Sixers would be out of the playoffs by then. Wow.

What? That's true. And they're going to get smoked. And, oh, I have a new special out right now. Yeah, go watch a special. I watched it the other night. It's pretty interesting the way you shot it. It is.

Well, I didn't shoot it. You know, it's so good. The opening is cool. I like the... Yeah, I mean, I just wanted to go, here's a half hour. It's just jokes. I need to move on from this and level up as a comic.

But I think it's pretty good. Watch it. That was great. It shot right at the comedy seller. Yeah, patchwork on YouTube now. Go give it a watch. Patchwork. Check it out.

It's for free. motherfuckers. That's right. Watch a cockfight podcast, me and Tristan and Column Turrell. Yeah, very funny podcast. I think three of the new, I think you guys are the next guys coming up. I like it. Right? I like it. Do you mean it? Yeah, I said, yeah, I like it. I'm in. She likes it, but I got to go.

Why are you getting mad? I don't know. Is it my turn? No, not yet. Okay. Lev, what else? You get more stuff? That's it. That's it. Why don't you tell some more stuff? Go over to Tristan, please. I got to go. Oh, you got a spot? Yeah. Where? New York comedy Oh shit

All right, go ahead You can see me at Dan Carney's session at 7 p.m. on Saturday, May 16th You can also catch me with Lev in Philly and also just beforehand at the comedy cab

in September 3rd I am headlining one night that Thursday and then I'm featuring for the rest of the weekend with Lev, so... Is he as funny as you on stage or is it just podcasts?

God, I... Come on. Is he funny? He's great. Is he hilarious? I'm a funny bird. He's the best comic I've ever seen. I've never seen him on stage.

I've seen him on podcast and I think he... I think he's hilarious on podcast. Is he funny? Like a stand-up? Am I doing hilarities, May 15th in Cleveland, Ohio? What is this thing? He's a good comic, man. He's funny.

Go watch him. Who is this for? Is he as funny as you? Bobby's date. Oh. Bobby. My bet. He's not.

Who is, brother? No, this is a great comic, go to punchup. Live slash Robert Kelly for all my dates. Cleveland, Stanford, a bunch of places. See that? I'm willing to lie for you. The people I respect. What's up?

I have a question. Yeah. You may find a Lev for his non-color. This is what we're looking at? Yeah, but this is punchup. Dot Live that Lev can't get on. I'm gay kept out of this. He's wishing for that lack of color. Yeah, just for the orange. I don't know what we're

looking for. I'm building my own email list without these guys, so like, why give them access to that shit? Because they always spread it further for you? I don't think so. Well, you'll never find out. You know? I was going to make a call, but I won't. Yeah, you're going to make a call.

This motherfucker made fun of my kid. I want him gone. I want him dead. I want his family. What do you want me to do about it? I really hope this girl takes your life. Hi, Mike. Let's go.

Hi, relax, you grumpy, Philly Broad. All right, we're going to Patreon. Guys, what are you got? Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff and see me headline of the artisanal brewworks in Saratoga, New York on June 13th. Hey, this is Joe Russell. Go to Jokes Russell on YouTube and on Instagram.

Also, I forgot watch Modern Apes Podcasts would be in danger. I knew there was something else. I forgot. I didn't want to forget, but I didn't. And I made up for it in the long run. Cody? This is Cody. Follow me at Cody the Comic and come to my show at New York Comedy Club,

Stanford on Thursday, May 14th. Is that it? All right, guys. We're going to Patreon.com right now. Thank you for listening to the show. make sure you check out all these guys literally three of the funniest people in comedy right now are they at

Netflix as a joke festival nope but they should be either are you motherfuck you're 50 years in nobody is nobody I know that's it podcast you're walking that's it YKW dude we'll see you guys next week