Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #642 | Lil Mo Mozzarella & Mike Figs

Episode Date: June 7, 2026

Lil Mo comes back on the pod and joins Mike Figs making it the most Italian ep of all time. Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/YKWD Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day. Where it all started before fun and crazy. This isn't NPR. That's the original. What's up, everybody? We're back with YKWD.

You know what, dude. One of the first podcasts on the East Coast. I mean, it started them all. I mean, we did not successfully go with the other ones, but listen, we started these fucks. So without me, you got nothing. Think about the favorite podcast. Nothing.

That guy, nothing. This, none of them without this. We're back, comedy cellar. We've been here for fucking, I don't know how long. It's a nicer studio now. We got a great show for you tonight. So, guys, do me a favor. If you're watching free on YouTube, it's free.

We put it up every week. click subscribe. Stop being a stingy fuck. Click subscribe. Share it. Show other people. Get the word out there. And if not, if you want to support the show,

go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. So I can buy these kids some trains because they love trains. And make sure you follow me on Robert Kelly Live on Instagram and all the shit. Danny, who do we got? We have from millions of followers on Instagram and its recent appearance on Kill Tony.

Soon to be at Kill Tony. I'm Madison Square Garden. We have little Mo mozzarella. First of all, the millions of, why did you have to add the million? That's made me insecure now. Why the fuck would you do that? I don't even have millions. Hang on one second.

He's fucking lying. He's a piece of shit. If you add them together. Why would you fucking do that? How many counts you think I got? Why would you do that? Fuck a disrespect for already. What are we doing?

Danny, why would you do that to us? Why, Danny? Because it's his biggest credit. Yeah, well, fuck. Yeah, but then you fuck me. Now I'm fucked. I walk around a knee with my head apply. It's not his credit that he has followers.

Yeah. What the fuck is? Wait till you hear all you introduce figs. All right. Who else do we got? With 3,842 followers. Wow. Wait, that is not true.

I have over 10,000. That's barely fat. If you add the TikTok, there's 22,000. This is a bullshit. That really fucking hurts. That fucked me. I mean, dude. Show you how shallow he is.

What a shallow prick. Shallow. Yeah, but Danny is shallow. Whoever he can jump on who's more, you don't think he's waiting for you to take him. He will leave. He just me to take him. He did.

Everywhere I bring up, he goes, oh, my parents live over there. Yeah. He goes, you're going to floor and my parents live over there. Buddy, I was doing Denver. He goes, oh, my uncle lives there. I was doing, I'm doing the mothership.

Oh, my best friend from Magic Camp lives there. Anywhere he wants to do a gig, he goes, I can, I'll sleep. And I guarantee he's sleeping at a park. I guarantee he's on a bench somewhere. I met him. I met him, he was doing a show, and I hired him to film. He was sleeping in a doghouse.

It was a doghouse. He's a hobo. And he had the food he took from the club. You know the guys that take everything for the club? Yeah. He had everything. What do you mean everything? Mazzarola sticks.

He's ordering shit on the way out. Mozilla sticks. A whole fucking nine. He's a scavenger. He's like a seagull. He's like a seagull. Well, you could just call him a Jewish guy. I mean, you don't have to make up new name.

Siegel's a pretty good name for a shit. Wait, wait. He's fucking seagulls over here. He's doing. He does a good. Are you Jewing? Fucking. You're not tovar.

It's not wrong with that. I pissed that with a bunch of Jewish guys. They don't love it, actually. Some people get weird. How you doing? How you doing? How you doing is nice. A t-shirt, baby.

How you doing? Good. We're doing good. I just found that I'm Albanian. Maybe I got a little Jewish in me. You don't have Jew. You have no Jew. Well, how about this?

I got immunity now. With who? I thought you were going to start praying. I thought you were going to hit me with Baroque a Thai. How about this? I thought you're going to hit us with a prayer. Elhano Mela Colomano voice. What are you a fucking.

What are you a fucking Asian? Stop complimenting them. Can I open for you? Can I open for you at the dojo? He has an uncle that lives over in fucking Morse. Now, listen, listen, first of all, I got to say something about you. But then, first you, did you fucking put something? Are you looking for a job?

Oh, that was like half a joke. But I edit stuff, so I got a couple of gigs editing. Oh, okay. I edit for this porn star. Can you fucking edit? I'm looking for an editor. This kid doesn't do nothing for me. Come on.

I got a gateway. computer in my house. It takes a little while, but I get it done. They bang out. Listen, I do cheap. I do cheap. A gateway computer is from 1997. I got Windows 98.

It's going to take three days to get your shit on his computer. You're going to get it, though. You're going to get it, though. I'm going to turn 36 tomorrow. You don't even know nobody beats the whizzes. Of course I know the fucking whiz. I still love the whiz. Nobody beat the whiz.

That's that I was. Nobody beats the whiz. Nobody beats the whiz. That wasn't it either. That wasn't it either, you fucking lion's ass. Isn't that the Black Wizard of Oz? The Wiz? Oh, the Wiz.

Electronic store. I remember the Wiz. You go in there, you get the shittiest service ever. Yeah. There's some angry black chick going, I don't know. Crazy Eddie's old. You know they're related to two. The Wiz, the black chick at the Wiz?

They're married. I know someone who's married to one of them. I don't want to say, oh, she's a comic. But what do you mean she's married? Crazy Eddie. She used to be married to the son. Of Crazy Eddie. No, of the Wiz.

Does her name rhyme with Sheba Mason? Come on Remember FYE? That's the one I remember And Sam Goody These are like electronic Sam Goody Sam Goody

Fye What's the other one in New York PC Richards PC Richards Yeah they always scam you Remember they? That's a dark place They scammed the shit out of it

You get fucked What about this The fucking Radio Shack Radio Shack was great Wow I used to hang out there all day The smell

I know the smell I used to hang out there And try to I always want like You know The receivers I play with shit I always rob them though I always got something.

I get a telephone cord. Give me a favor. Don't rob me of this podcast. Talking to the microphone, you're fucking. God damn. I thought I was too loud. No, you're not loud. Talking to them,

you're going to record this. I don't even know if this is record. I don't hear it. Turn your headphones up. Can somebody help him? No, follow the chord. The headphone cord. I love this guy.

What the fuck? The other cord, that's the microphone cord. The thing on your head. Is it even in? Yeah. It's in turn. Turn the knob. Turn the knob.

Oh, how you do it? How you do it? You're on a donut. diet. You're a diet guy. I'm not a diet guy. It was a fat fuck. I see.

Well, let's not get carried away. That was a little chubby. That poor guy is struggling right there with their beard. He's like, oh, Lord, Jesus Christ. It's like he's carrying a cross-up Calgary. Look at him. He's going to get an aneurys. This guy's just laughing at all these people holding me up.

What a piece of shit. That one guy's literally touching your dick. Look at him. That guy's got his hand around in your car. I know. I loved it. I loved it. I love it.

Let me tell you something. I dove into that crowd and I saw people's faces like, no. Like, oh, that was a dumb move on my part. You ever see Kim Condit diving? Nobody was there. Oh, that was funny. No, I saw a gay blind mic dive.

Kim did it the next year. She dove into the crowd and nobody caught her. Just right into the pavement. Listen, so what do you need to do? What's going on? You want editing work? Well, you know, I'm just looking for something, man. I quit my job at Tommy Bahama.

Shout out to Tommy Bahama. Tommy Bahamas. Look it. Figs. There's your camera right there. Say yourself. I quit my job at Tommy Bahama. Make a commercial.

Go. Hey, everybody. You know what? Remember the way. Make him a commercial. There's your camera right there. He needs editing work. Go ahead.

Hey, guys, I don't know what it is. You guys must be waking up in the morning, hitting your nose on a popcorn ceiling, especially this guy. He's stuffing money under his mattress. But if you guys, you guys want to make some money, I need editors.

I had this one kid on the spectrum. Nothing wrong with him. I thought he'd be better at editing because I figured he'd be hyper-focused. He'd be what? Better what? Better at editing. This is why I love him.

He takes three words and makes one. Better editing? Better editing. Better editing. So I put him in a room. I got him a nice Macintosh computer. And I walk in, he's licking the window. Like that, look.

First of all, they're all autistic. First of all, Macintosh, Macintosh is from 1980. 98. It's an Apple. I got him a Bel-Atlantic computer. And I fucking fixed it. I got him. I got him to Lisa.

Remember the one that he dropped me? Remember the Dell? Remember to hear something sick? Twice is happened to me. You'll get a kick edge because you're like my age. You might be, don't even know. 36. I go.

Twice is happen to me. I'm in my agency, right? There's all comedy agency. Hang on one second. That's a company that actually gets behind you and gets you other work. Cabotona. Yeah. And they go like, who's your influences?

Like, who do you like? So I say the honeymoon. I like the honeymoonism. Love them. So nobody says nothing, right? I catch it. And I go, you don't know what the honeymoon is out? None of them know what the fucking honeymoon is well.

Then I don't even want to say the comics. I'm embarrassed them. I went to that Netflix a joke thing. Yeah. I'm in the yard. There's 300 comics. Hang on one's correct. Netflix is a streaming company.

I thought Samsung TV. And I go to them, I'm doing the same thing. I love the honeymoon. No one knew who the honeymoon is. Wait, you're in comedy. The movie was The movie was The Entertainment. Am I out of my mind? Is it because I'm old?

I'm like, I'm older. How do you not know what the honeymoon's up? That's insane. Can I say something? Yeah. It wasn't black and white. You got to cut up to the side. But it was the best show ever, no?

It was literally, it wasn't like the Wizard of Oz. We were black and white, two color. You wouldn't go back. One of my favorite, one of my favorite, all in the family. the honeymoon one of my favorite shows but it is you gotta cut them a little it's black and white I'm not thinking like that and they don't play it anymore

I'm thinking if you like study if you're a comedian you're studying like comedy you're studying you're studying like comedy you know these kids are studying they're studying other comedians now and they just watch other comedians they don't watch old stuff

they don't watch the honeymooners all the family they don't watch Richard Pryor they watch some other kid who's got a million followers and does what he does because they want the followers they don't want the comedy yeah they want the family

They want the fame They don't really want the funny Yeah And hopefully some of those kids Get the funny later in life When they realize that fame Fucking dries up Well it's gonna dry up 100%

Yeah Yeah 100% I got my hand on the pulse They're gonna stop I do I do I've been ahead of the curve Every fucking time I just didn't capitalize on it the right way

True Right now what's happening And I support you the whole time Thank you And hopefully in Fort Lauderdale You let me open up for you Well Danny just asked You want to come you and Danny

We're coming All right Well stay by Danny's mother I'll take for your flight. You figure out what you're saying because I'm broke. Yeah, stand on a bench with Danny. So the vertical, you know, the vertical shows, they call it. The vertical shows.

You're watching it like that. Yeah, I get it. And there's only, it's still pretty early. There's only like five people doing it. But you see Kareem with the subway takes. Oh. And then they get the Brooklyn coffee shop. Okay.

Do you ever see the videos I do in the deli when I do with those kids? I love, I've seen all. Two fat dudes. I think I saw them all. Yeah. I love those kids. Those kids are good kids. But what I'm saying is that's,

we were kind of doing, right? Yeah. But here's the difference. They don't own the place. They don't make a quarter. These guys are doing these shows in places they own. Smart.

Right. Buy a coffee shop, you do your thing. And now I heard Netflix and YouTube, they're going to be running, you know, they're trying to do vertical series. I think that the,

I think long-form content's going to come back because they got a syllabitizing. Who the fuck's going to put it in? I'm sorry. Still what? Still advertise it? Advertise. I thought you said salavitize it.

I didn't understand what the fuck that was. You know, Do you suffer from type two diabetes? Get saliva. Do you not understand Italian accents? Do you type or you do the voice note? What's that? You type or you do the voice notes?

I can type. You don't use voice notes? I use both. I use voice notes, but I do the voice notes. I slay him. Dude, I got funny stories with the voice notes. They get it. Go ahead.

Tell a couple. Well, I got one with Shane was a good story. He told me he was going to bring me on MSG, this scumbake. He ended up bringing me, but I did the, not to be a comment. me. He's the best.

Yeah, but I love him. I'm saying it, like, to be funny. But what happened? Cumbag to be funny? Yeah, yeah. No, it's a funny story because the whole story's hilarious. Right. But I'm texting him and I want to go.

It's the day they told me he's going to bring me out. But instead, like he said, he'd have me on the voice of God. Right. But I says, I'm going to come. I heard the show's sick. Right. But I'm talking into it. Right.

So he's laughing. I don't even realize it. It came out. I heard the show sucks. You know what I mean? And that he received. responded to that better than when I said it was good. He thought it was funny.

Isn't it weird? When you're sincere, comics are like, I fuck off. When I said, you suck, he loves it. You suck. It's like, why is, all right, come down, dude. What the fuck, man, it's not that bad. Yeah. But, no, but I do it all time.

I type people shit. And I, now everybody who I talk to understands that it's a typo. Buddy, I, when I type people's shit, I don't know how to, I have dyslexia. I have all the shit. So I don't know how to spell. I never went to school. So I have to go. I have to go to chat chp t and go you have to spell check it

because everything I write has to be spell checked because I don't know I don't even know what a semi-colon does the comrade kind of get I never know what a verb was I don't know what any of that is I still own you don't know what a verb is I left school of 14 Danny tell them what a verb is I really don't know what a verb is if I had a guess I have no it's an action I know what a noun is

I know what a noun is a noun is a noun is a like a A noun. The fucking guy outside was half a noun. A noun is a fat fuck. It's something that has babies. A noun has babies. A nine has babies. They don't have eggs. You know what an adjective is?

No, it's annoying. Descriptive. What does it mean? Do you know what a predicate is? Yeah, a felon. There you go. No, I went back to school as an adult. I went back to school at 30 years old.

For what? Engineering. Oh, yeah, we talked about it. I know. That's pretty cool. This guy had a whole fucking career. He was all set. I know.

Now I have what would be called a successful comedy career. I'm broke. Can I say something to you? That's because you spend your goddamn money. I had to go, what do you do? You like to gamble? I just quit.

So you like to gamble? I thought it was two months. Four weeks. Yeah. I fucking, I just like had to bring it up today. It's almost like how long? I said eight weeks.

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Prescription required. See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral, monocidal, and finaster stride. Yeah, you can't, you can't, listen, you can't be with Danny Gamble and thousands of dollars. His chest will cave in. Do you understand that? I know, and you get an AX you seven times for the result. And he rounds it up. What do you mean? If you borrow money off him, you have borrowed money. No, I don't bar.

Oh, wow, you are pretty bad. You borrowing money off of him? You barring money off of Danny? If I'm in a casino, anybody near me is getting anybody. I'm bad. Or I'm horrible. What do you mean he rounds it up? So if you borrow 70s, starts hitting you with fees.

I have a theory. Can I ask you my theory? The night we met, the night we met, you called me and you told me you just won $8,000 at the casino. No, it wasn't a casino. It was on a sports bed. Okay, sports bed. And then I, no, it was at the casino.

No, but then I won in the house. Yes, yeah, you are, yes. But then I got to the casino. casino and you're like, oh, I just lost it all. Like the second I got there, it was all gone and you asked to borrow money. I had a theory you were never up. My theory is... Oh, you thought you lied to get me to come to the casino.

Why would you think a gambler lies? Why would you think an Albanian Italian gambler would have a lie? Good. Yeah, I did quit gambling. You quit? Why? Because you... Oh, I'm bad. I've been going to... How about this? The first time I went to gambling on him, this was 1997.

Right. I owed somebody some money. I was all pissed off, you know, upset. Yeah. I still owe the guy money since 1997. This is true story. Is he alive? He's good. He made a good deal with me.

Really? The vig is so low. Yeah. No one would ever pay him back. Right. But he's got me for 20 years already. He was about 20 years. Yeah.

But now I go to Gambling Anonymous again. I walk in. Guess who greets me? Him. A guy, no. A guy that I met in 1997. I went there. You know what?

He didn't look much better than me. I got to be honest. He looked like shit. Can I say something? I don't think they. They make you look better. I think they just make your life better. Are you a gambler?

We're going to fix you up, baby. You don't need Botox. Just come to, oh, gamble is anonymous. GA's for you. Yeah, dude, I think it just makes you like. Whatever, but you know. I love that you judged his face, not his life. He looked like a fucking vulture.

I tell you, my, I used to hang out in Boston with a lot of Italian guys. And they would gamble. I've never seen, I didn't understand. And it's in a lot of Italian guys. It's a giant degenerates. It's degenerate gambling. And they admit it. Asians.

Asians. But the Asians. They go monkey, monkey, monkey, monkeys win. They do Bacara. Yeah, they go monkey. Because that's the best odds, right? Yeah, they say monkey. And they say monkey.

All the time. The Baccarat tables. That's when they're playing with certain people. Oh, my. Go monkey next to the crap table. Take him away. Too much. One tongue, too.

Don't know you do bad luck monkey. Go to low stakes table. This high stakes table. You know, you're going to get canceled. Bro, I'm already. I don't get a fuck. Well, I do it. I kind of give a fuck.

about my podcast. Oh, sorry. I'm just... Yeah, I do not agree with anything you said. But no, oh, little moe, my favorite. So I got a couple of gambol of stories. So we, he says one night, he would always say to me, anytime an Italian goes, what are you doing tonight? Have something. Don't say nothing, because then you're going. All right, that's true. What are you doing tonight? And I was like, nothing. What's going on?

He goes, you're coming to Foxwoods. I go, I'm, I can't. I have to work tomorrow morning at seven. He goes, you go in the. the Foxwoods. He goes, if I have to duct tape you and throw you in the fucking trunk, you're coming. He thought you were lucky. So now I'm going to Foxwood. What he used to call you? You had a nickname?

You had a nickname when I like you. Fucking Poppy. You know nothing? Come on. I go to a fucking Foxwood. So he, uh, we go to Foxwoods. He goes to the craps table. I go upstairs.

He's betting $10,000 hands. That's crazy. Okay. I come back down. Was his name Dana White? No. Stephen Georgia. He's the best.

Big guy, always in a track suit. gazelle glasses to match his track suit. So we're sitting there. He's yelling at the, he goes, I want new dice. He's like, no, sir, you can't. He goes, I want new dice. Come on. And the guy wouldn't give him new dice. He took the dice through him on the other crap table.

Yatsi. And then they threw him out of the fucking, then he crawled up there. In Foxwood, they have an Indian, right? He crawled up. You can't say that. American Indian. He crawled up through the fountain up to the Indians' balls and started licking him. He goes, now I licked your balls.

You got my money. and I lit your balls. Then he fell into the fountain. And the whole way home he had a ride with his pants out the window. And then another guy died, owed him money, went to the funeral, went up into the line, got up to the, got down, kneeled, went up,

and the guy bit his nose. And he went, you motherfucker. That's sick. And then he left. The guy after him was a friend of mine. He goes, I went up to the cat. The guy had a teeth mark in his nose from teeth and going up to him.

That's wild. Yeah, Italians are fucking, they love it. They love it. But when you win, you win, you win a lot. And it feels good. If you want to know the truth, I think I just do it to like lose. What? Well, they say that that's the scientific reason, that we don't realize it, but we're addicted to losing it.

Let me tell you what it is. Growing up, like one of my earliest memories was losing all my money. So I want to feel like myself. How did you lose your money? There was a shoe box. We used to throw dice in the shoebox. in like C-Low or son. There was a bunch of nouns around you.

Yeah, nouns. It was a bunch of nouns. And, you know, they were, you know, they were hanging. And I went to, every time I lost, I should go home. I had a, like, the Pull and Spring thing. Yeah. I had a hook. And I was like, maybe 11, 12 years old.

I lost all my money, my mother's money. Oh, my God. So whenever I wanted to think, like, about when I was a kid again, I lose all my money. Brings me right back. Yeah. So losing your money is a childhood dream that you go back to? No, I think it's just I want to make, it's like, to make myself feel like a piece of shit or something. Yeah.

Yeah, well, lose it. I have it like an addiction. I'm bad. I'm the worst. Whatever you think, the worst. When he had a really funny story actually? I could have got arrested for it. My wife will hear.

She'll be madame to me. Fuck it. So I go to the Bahama, right? You know, Bahama in the Bahamas? Yeah. The Bahamas? Yeah. Okay.

Like a supermarket? So now I'm not real. Stop. I got to stop you. What the fuck is the Bahama? It's a hotel and casino in the Bahamas. Okay, but you could just, okay. So I got you, go ahead.

Okay, it's called the Bahama. Okay, Bahama. Bahama. Yeah. Bahamah, Bahamah. Yeah. Bahamah. Yeah.

You went to the hotel in the Bahamas. Hotel and Casino. Okay, yes. So now when I get there, okay, I didn't think in my head that whoever gets there, you're going to see the same face every day for the next five days because it's a resort. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate that, yes. So, you know, I'm probably not going to sleep.

Five days, I'll get a couple hours sleep. So anyway. I have a guy that I used to work with. This is a ski resort? Never mind. Oh, I, how you done? So this guy I know fucking I see. Long story short, I'm playing dice and I'm shot.

Now, I'm forgetting social media. This guy, I'm, before I did social media, I would gamble, but nobody bothered me. Yeah. Now with this shit, people know, yeah. How you done? I know, yeah. So now this guy's getting me fucking piss off. So this guy comes drunk.

Take a man a little, take a picture of me. I got money on all the numbers. I get the fuck out of you, I tell him. Get the fuck away from me. I used to like you. all right so you go see the other side there you play craps yeah you play craps yeah so imagine this i press i never take the money so i got a couple of numbers with a couple hundred on this and that and i got no money my wife's got me on a budget i got nothing there's whatever i got that's what you

again yeah she gave me enough to last you an hour but i'm on a roll guy goes i don't like you no he goes he don't like you no he goes you'll take a five dollar bet he goes he'll what do you want any seven no not any seven he just bet seven or the don't pass you don't pass you Or he just says Crap. Cops 7. Yeah. I'm throwing a nice.

Yeah. He goes with you, you a pussy. Motherfucker. I says, I got to do it. What am I? I can't back down to this cock suck.

I throw it like crap out mid. Oh my God. This motherfucker. So now I'm talking to my buddy. He has money, but I already, like, you know, I worked with him.

He used to be with my super. I wasn't going to take money off him. I'm more fucked up and head over, right? Yeah, take Danny's money. So we go walk, we go to the sports betting thing, right? I sit down. The guy comes over with a girl.

Hey, He's drunk, cowboy boots on. He gets up. My friend goes, yo, he left his wallet. I say, don't fucking say none to him. Yeah. He's got a knot. Yeah.

So I go in his fucking pocket. I pull out, like $700. I'm out. Now with that. I'm in the Bahama. Security cameras everywhere. Oh, fuck. The whole place is going to.

This is a Friday. We're all here this Sunday. I got to see this guy every day. I'm not thinking. I go over to the table. Come on. Let's go. I walk up to the table.

I throw it out there. Let's go. I saw it and everything. I fuck the crap out. My friend goes, you just lost that money in three minutes. I go, what do I care? It ain't my money. All of a sudden.

Oh, no. The guy goes, hey, did you guys happen to see a wallet? I see none. The guy was smart. We threw it in the garbage camp. He ran. He goes, oh, I think I might have seen it. He grabbed it.

He threw money in there. He ends up throwing more money than the guy had in there. So the guy comes back. He goes, he says to my friend, he goes, I think there's more money in here than I had in there. So he got lucky. But he didn't want to get us arrested, you know, so he threw money in there. Yeah.

Oh, I see. To make no, yeah. You know what I mean? And then just that was the beginning. I got even crazy. And you just kept seeing him. No, then I found. It sounds like a great story.

I mean, this guy. It's an over. This sounds like I got a cap on my shoulders. That's your latter day saints. Wait, it's not over. It's not over. So now. I wake up.

It was a dream the whole time. I go. I go and there's this guy in a high roll. There's a guy in a high roller blackjack. table, right? And he's going like this when he hits a black job. How you doing? My friend calls me over because this guy's doing your thing. He's doing it how

you doing. It's exactly the way you do it. He goes, you probably get money off him. Yeah. The guy's bent like $5,000 a hand. So I go up to him. I said, you hit a blackjack. You can throw me something? I'll hear you with the how you're doing. He goes, stay right here. Don't go nowhere. He was Italian, too? No, he was trying to be Italian. He was the next smoker.

So now, he's giving me $500. So now, he's giving me $1,500. He's going to give me $4,500. $100. Right? Now, he goes, whatever you do, if you see me walking around the resort, my wife, don't talk to me. She don't even know I'm playing. Don't say nothing to me. Don't call. I got the chips. I don't even know. Okay, no problem. He goes, I'm going to sleep. I go to go play. He says, you can't play. He says, you can't play. He says, you can't play. He's signed to the person. I can't do it on with the chips. I said, I got 45-100. I would have had a jackpot. I can't sleep. I'm staying up all night. I said, I got to find this guy. I don't care. He's with his wife. I got to figure it out. So now I go to breakfast. The guy comes in the breakfast for his wife. There's only one place he's breakfast in the Bahama. Yeah.

And I'm looking at him. What's on? He's like, he goes to the bathroom. He says, I can't do it now with the chips. What am I going to do? He goes, now he goes, me by the blackjack table with one hand. Let's go.

Yeah. I go, boom. Fucking. And you don't know what I did before I lost the money? Hang on. I don't know what boom means. I lost it one shot. Oh, I thought you won.

I thought it was a good boom. I thought it was a good boom, too. Yeah, there's two booms. Wait, boom, boom is, boom is good. You should have went bang. When you're at the general gamble, what do you do when you got money in pocket? Suck a guy's dick and the bathroom. You suck a ball.

No. At the Baja Bar Bar Bar Barthys. When you have money, what do you do? Sucker guy's dead. False promises. No, shit. Boy, your friend, how much? Oh, you $8,000.

I got $4,500. I got $4,500. I got it all. I promised everybody. And then I lost it all. Danny, poor Danny, poor Danny got a text message. It came up green. He's what the fuck?

But you pay people back. Yeah, right now, just a one guy. You pay Danny back every time you borrowed money. Oh, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Sell a couple of t-shirts. Oh, you make him sell the t-shirts? No, I sell a couple.

I give them the money. I really quit, though. It sounds like so much fun, man. No, it's horrible. So much fun. Let's go to Empire City right now. Let me ask you a question. I'll bet you right now.

I'll bet you right now. You think I'm going to go back? I'll bet you right now. I don't bet. I'll bet you right now. I'm going to bet you right now. I would bet hypothetically, but I don't bet. I'm going to bet you $100 right now.

That Mike Figsing get one of those donuts. You know, I said, no. He wants to entice me in the game. He goes, go to Empire right now. You know what Empire. Yeah, it's a shit hole. The worst fucking play. Got a slot machine that comes out with fucking tokens.

Like Atlantic City, we said the cup. I went there with it. I went there to do comedy. I want to talk about bad. Where did you go? Empire comedy. They have a comedy. They had a comedy.

They had a comedy club there. It was the worst. Comedy can't do it. songs, no. Comedy casinos. When they have comedy, it's a real casino. When they have a real casino, like the Indian Casino, Moheans, those are

real. I just did making it some, the comics, it's nice. Fucking awesome. It was nice. But I got just, I got booked for the Clareidge. They don't even have a casino. Oh, in Atlantic City. Oh, it's just a room. It's going to be in there. It's just a haunted room. No, they go to. I know, but I'm saying this, who else's going to want to go there? Dude, it packs

up. I didn't sell it. No, because they're all, you know, anybody down there is looking for something to do. Yeah. They want to do anything but gambling. Yeah. And they want to go and they see a show for an hour and then they go back and they walk. Jullery? Yeah.

What? They hot jewelry over there. They what? They hawk jewelry. They hawk jewelry? Where? What does that mean? Hock.

When you lose all your money and take your jewelry to the guy. Oh, you pawned it. Oh. What's the, what? We say hawk tour. You hawk tour of the jewelry. What's the worst thing you've had a hawk to get money to gamble? I had a beautiful chain that I hawked.

What was it? Damn. You hawked that? You hawked it back? I don't know, but I went bored it again. From the pond dealer. No, the scumbag sold it on me. Wow.

He sold it. So how'd you get it back? I just got paid for the same exact thing and got over again. He's got a new one, but not the exact one. No, not the exact one. So you got the same thing. Can I see that? Who's on it?

Which saint? St. Marco. St. Marco? So my brother got me this coin in Italy. My brother, like, studied in Italy. It was like a pewter. And then I got, it made a mold. And I got made the coin.

What is St. Marco? Yeah. What does he do? He's the guy in the pool. The evangelist. You play the eating the pool. You go, Marco. Look, he's got a pen.

Look. Marco Polo? You never seen the line with the wings? But what is he? Every saint has a thing. The state of swimming. He's a writer. He's a writer.

Evangelist, yeah. Okay. about, I don't know about St. Marco. I never heard of St. Marco either. Nobody has it. That's why I got it. I know St. Anthony. I got it. What's this?

Michael. What are you bringing up? St. Marco. Oh, St. Marco. Oh, St. Marco. Oh, there you go. St. Mark. At St. Marco.

Or St. Mark's, Basilica. The Patriot's St. Mark's Basilica. Wally known for the iconic St. Mark's Basilica. Okay, but what is it? What is his power? You know who St. Mark was? Several of the Bible.

What is his power? Anthony, if you lose something, you pray to say Anthony. Anthony, you lose something. What about, what's his power? What could he do? The Patriots saying of actors. You know, the truth. He might be the Patriots Saint of suffering.

Is he? Well, then you should wear that. Yeah, yeah, I suffer. Maybe you should take that off when you gamble. What does St. Anthony do? What's he known? Yeah, why can you write? We got chat Chabit.

This guy's over here texting. He's not texting. He's going into Google. Why you got to go up St. Anthony? We're talking to St. Marco. He needs to go to Turkey. What does that?

Yeah, St. Anthony looks like shit. That's what the guy looks like in GA. That's exactly what the guy looked like. When I went out to me, he looked like him. San Anthony's got fucking, he's got that disease dog get. What is that called? Rabies. No.

No, another one. Mange. Who drew all these drawings in here? Those are paintings. They're frescoes that are on the walls. It's a painting. Painting as a pencil. You know, a Vinci you should do fresco.

Yeah. I went to this. Yeah, the, the, well, that was, that wasn't, that was Michelangelo, not Leon. No, but he got shit in there, too, I think he did. Yeah, he does. He's a little, I don't think he did, they have some of it. He's, you know what his favorite thing to draw with? Yeah, Cox.

No. Oh, sorry. A scriber. A what? A nail, like he's a scribe. Scribe. Oh, make sure you click the link and subscribe to this podcast. I don't know what a scriber is?

I do, but the way you say it, it's a little, I don't know. You say shit funnier than me. You say shit. They say care. They say care. Whatever they say. Fucking hobba to park. Park by the harbor. Why don't you get the saint for gambling?

Who's the saint for gambling? I need it help. No, you don't need it anymore. You quit. No, I'm doing it right. You ought to do it. Four weeks is great. You don't want?

I was showing a bad run. I'll bet you $100 you make it a year. I don't bet. My grandpa. My grandpa was an amazing craps player. And he told me, he passed it down to my mom and he you don't even play craps. He said if you play craps,

you go to a table where there's black guys. He said they know how to throw guys. Oh, you know, verbatim. This is a saint you should get. He's also patron saint of job seekers, the unemployed. Oh, wow. And good fortune.

There you go. There you go. Bernardine is Sienna. What is it called? Bernardine? No, St. Cajentan. Cajentan.

Cajent. That's Spanish. Cajitan. Stop with it. Gambling. There you go. Get him. A famous 50th century

Italian preacher Yeah Folks against gambling Oh he's against Get out of here You can't have that You can't have that Put them in the bathroom

You think they weren't gambling back With these assholes They were gambling at Jesus's feet And Jesus got pissed And he flipped the table Were they gambling at his feet? What do you mean? What were they doing?

When he was on the cross They were gambling in his feet They were they throwing dice They really were They were throwing dice They were gambling on something It's in black dudes No they were Moroccan

No they were Moroccan That's close Egyptian guy I didn't never heard that I didn't mean to fucking Yeah look it up Look it up Really

I might have made it up But look it up I'm telling you I think I've seen this somewhere I'm Mel Gibson movies Oh yeah The sound of freedom No

With the kids Oh no No it was apocalyptic There you go Apocalypse It's sick though One of my favorite One of my favorite movies

Of all time You like Braveheart Great Hot was great But Apocalypse Lipto is one of the greatest movies of all the time. That movie's great. It was all subtitles, but you don't even care. Yeah.

It's fantastic. It's just the best. And that part of Central America, Northern South America, I mean, dude, they were the motherfuckers for a long time. They were the shit for... Do we give him leprosy? Nope. You just don't want to agree with we.

We did nothing. We're Italian and Irish. We were around. It was the fucking English colonizers did it. So don't talk shit to us no more. Fuck England. It was actually Spanish. Oh shit.

Yeah. But you can't say fuck Spanish. Because they don't think you're talking about Spanish people. No, they won't. They know Spain. We're talking about people for the conquistadores. And we got one of the Spanish people right here. Conquista.

Al-Spaniel. See? Yeah. The end of Apocalyptic. They show up on the beach. They show the boats. You look like your last name's Winters. Could be.

I could. That's, I'm going for a little longer. Yeah. Thank you. This is weird. Appreciate you, Papa. Thank you. You got a big head, though.

All right? Well, now you heard my fear. I had to bring it down the size, you know what I mean? I got to bring it down the size. How can you bring that head down to size? Guys, heads are. You look like he modeled for boarshead. All right.

Love good honey ham. How you done? All right, let's bring it us up. What did you say? I want to know if it was gambling on his feet. He flipped the table. Oh, this is what he flipped the table. No, not that one.

When he was on the cross, you wouldn't know. You know something, Danny? Every time you get mad. It's not Danny. It's Cody. Where's Danny? Where's Danny go? Danny's running the cameras.

Danny. Well, I'm talking to Danny. I don't know if we're Cody Yeah, what's up? Danny, every time you get made, you go Jesus Christ Yeah. Why?

You know, because Why do Jewish people say Jesus Christ Because they killed them? Yeah. Is that what it is? Yeah, they murdered them out. Then they gambled on his feet. Did you press the 7?

Gambling refers to a specific historical event at the cruise Where Roman soldiers drew dice. Wow. Ginny's were doing it back down. You thought I was fucking dumb. God damnisemned Ginnies were gambling at Jesus's feet.

Unbelievable. They're just degenerates. They're fucking degenerates. I mean, who does that? That's not enough. You're going to gamble by his bloody feet? If the guy gambled on three days, then he's going to come back. He'd make a lot of money.

If you say that three times with a hot dog in the mouth, I give you 100. Don't you won't. Don't gamble. Is that gambling? No. What is that? That's a job. Paying him to do some.

So it was a job? What's your dream job? To be a fucking stand-up, to do fucking toll all over the world. That's the most insulted thing I've ever. I've never heard a comic ask you. What's your dream job besides what you're doing? I got a question for you. I got a question for you.

What's up, buddy? Do you think that like, do you think that now without doing all the stuff? Yeah. Like pods and this and that. Do you think that someone could just like make a good living just like going the traditional way, let's say? What, just doing stand-up? Just doing stand-up.

Yeah. Yeah. But I feel like it ties into a lot of stuff. The clubs don't want to bring in. Here's the problem with stand-up. is that there's no union, there's no retirement, there's no security in it whatsoever. It's just you doing stand-up until you die.

You don't get to say, I'm retiring next to where. You just go. But when you do like a radio show or acting, you get in a, I'm in the SAG after the Writers' Union. So I'm putting money away every year for retirement. So, you know what I mean? Even podcast, this podcast goes into SAG. You know what I mean?

So I can pay these knuckles head, knuckleheads and get insurance. There's no insurance. We tried to unionize around 15 years ago, but as soon as all the the comics in New York stepped up to kind of pressure the clubs, they only paid you $50. That's it,

50 bucks. And we stood up and was like, fuck that, we're not going to work the clubs. You know what happened? The comics underneath us, we'll do it. And they were just like, so all these fucking open micers were now middlers, all the middlers were now headlining, they're like, go fuck yourself, we'll take it, and they did. And the clubs

except for the seller. The seller was the first club to raise the money, the spot pay to $85 or $75. And then they raise it to $85. And then they raise it again to $100. And they raised the host to even more than that. So, I mean, but you can't unionize because these fucking kids on the need will just take,

they want your job. There's no way we could do it. There's no way we could do it. We have no benefits. Imagine that. You're a stand-up for 40 years and you got nothing. You have to take your money and do all that shit.

yourself. And most comics, we're pieces of shit. Yeah. We're not fucking we're not thinking about... Do I hear them gamble? Who? Oh, yeah, fucking Rich Voss is a degenerate gambling. Yeah, I know he told me. Yeah, Rich Voss is like, I quit gambling. And then I, he goes, can you stop here? You got scratch wolves? I'm in the thing.

He's fucking, he's playing the numbers and doing fucking scrap. I go, we gotta go. He was supposed to... We got home at four in the morning. I have to go to my car at his house. I got to stop at 7-Lat and I've got a drink. I walk in, he's playing the numbers and gambling. I go, I got to go. That's who I brought out

When Shane had me in MSC, I brought him out You brought Rich And I did sick Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah, he pumped me up legend I went nuts Yeah Who brought you up?

No, I just did the voice of God But I brought out I brought up voice, yeah You did kill Tony, killed a few Yeah, I did good Yeah Yeah I actually went and put my name in a bucket

People think I didn't do that But what ended up happening was I went I had met Tony With Shane Yeah And he told me He wanted me to do something

but I don't know you know I don't know this business well I don't know anybody well enough if they're gonna keep their word you know like I'm just like whatever you know I know so I was in Oklahoma I had like a bunch of shows they sucked and I have friends in Dallas I said I'm gonna go to Dallas goes to my friends and I liked to my wife I told her that I told her that they wanted me on the show right but I was just gambling right I says all right I said I'm gonna go there and film the experience of somebody put in him in above you know we're recording this on video yeah yeah yeah

Yeah, yeah, fuck it. But I'm talking about how I quit gambling. Okay, yeah, no, you're doing good. And now I'm coming clean. You're doing good. She knows what I do. It's not getting the road. What I did.

So I'm with my wife. Italian wives are the best. No, she's not Italian. My wife's Mexican. What? Yeah. How dare you? Yeah.

Spinning it. What? Who's going to fix my roof? She works for Kirkland water. Oh, no, honey. You're gambling again? No, I just put a case of Kirkland water at the driveway. Curkling.

All right. So I says, fuck it. So I go. I got friends in Dallas. One of my friends is Rayquan, the rapper, you know, from Moutang. And he talks, he got a good speech to pump you up. Like, he's like, your swords are sharp. Yeah.

You got to keep your sword sharp. Like, it's like, you know how to Moutang talks. Yeah. He lives in Plano. Yeah. I don't know if I'm supposed to say where he lives, but he lives somewhere near. He probably should. Anyway, he says to me, come on, come down.

So I go. He pumps me up. And I'm saying, you know, I'm going to try to get into show. He goes, you got it. So I go, I got to rent the car. It says 28 gallons. They're talking about the tank size. I thought I had 28 gallons to empty.

I fucking, the car breaks down on the fucking highway. So I don't know what to do. I fucking call Uber. I make the guy come. When you said the car breaks down, it ran out of gas? Ran out of gas, yeah. Okay. Yeah, so I...

You know that's not broken down. Whatever. You're just going to put gas in it and it works again. Whatever. So I made the Uber, but how did we know? So the car exploded, right? So the Uber driver goes... I got to eat, the car fucking died.

The Uber driver goes and he, you know, I pay him, I give him an extra hundred. He goes, gets the tank. He brings it back. But the time I get down there, it's like 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I check into the hotel. I said, what are you going to do? What time you got to sign up? I don't know, 6, 8 o'clock?

Yeah. I said, I'm going to go to the first guy there. So I go. Every time a comic comes, they're, they're weasers over there. Yeah. Trying to cut me and shit. Really? Yeah, I don't know who they are.

They're all like dirty looking at. Now, people come. a couple people knew me and go, you're not going to, you're going to get brought on. I said, no, I put my name in a fucking bucket. I go through the whole process. It's like 8 o'clock. It's getting late. This one kid attached himself to me, like we're in this together. As soon as I found out I was going.

Like Danny? Yeah. So, I happen to be scrolling my thing and Tony hit me and it's like, where are you? I said, I'm over here, wait, and he goes, come to the back by Rogan's, I don't know the whole story. So I didn't know you can't just walk in the back of Rogan's club. I said, I'll be there in a second. And then I walk back. They're like, where the fuck you go? Yeah, fucking Navy SEALs.

Yeah. CELTG 6 repels from the ceiling. Anyway, it worked out better because when I was saying I was going to go do it, a lot of guys I know,

you know, I wouldn't say guys I trust. A lot of, I was asking comics advice. And I'm like, ah, you know, you're trying to get people to stop thinking

you're a social media guy and that's, you're going to go to here. Why would you, why would you, that's what made you famous? Why would you fucking not want to do that? They're saying to me,

so they go, they go, you're going to go over there, and they're going to look at you like different. And then I says to my, that's exactly what I did. I said, I can't listen to nobody. I know people went on a show and they fucking, they got good careers. And it's made for someone like me.

Yeah. I'm a fucking character. So I says, you know what, fuck, I ain't listening to nobody. But the one thing that was good, and I think it was good, is I, because they found I was there and they did the right thing. And then they brought me out of Shane's friend. Yeah. You know, like, hey, you know what I mean?

Which was better than like, it was like, hey, he's an up and coming. comic comic you might have seen him on social media so it worked out really good you know what I'm saying like and everybody was respectful on the panel and they probably respected you more because you're showing up and you exactly I had a conversation Tony about that is you killed it though yeah

I had a great time it was good thank you good time you killed it yeah it was fun and that and that did good for you right yeah I mean I got whatever you can get out of it man I got like the next day I got like 15000 followers on social media like just from that yeah that's so funny too because everybody gives Tony shit

and all as he does is give new comics opportunities to become successful almost overnight you know what I mean and somehow they find well these comics don't deserve it it's like who the fuck who the fuck who says any

because they want to be crabs there's a lot of crabs in the industry don't deserve it dragging people down you never this whole business is based on magic happening for some people can I tell you a story where I went there yeah so I went I was on the road. Yeah, I was on the road

with this guy Vinnie from the Jersey shirt. We don't tour anymore, but we toured for like a year. I know, Vinny, good guy. Yeah, nice kid. So he takes me, we go to Austin, and before that weekend, I was there with Bonnie McFarland. That was the one I was going to take. Me too, that's the only, the good one.

You know what is the fucking mook? Fuck, you have a mother? So, you know, we don't, just pull up the saints again. Let's just forget. No, go ahead. I want to hear the story. So the week before, I'm with Bonnie. And I open for Bonnie.

and I'm going to be humble, but I fucking crushed. Bobby is so locked in on this fucking donut. Eat over the fucking box. Okay. Danny, you're cleaning this fucking guy's mess up. I'm just going to. We need a 60 seconds. Should I just do a fucking voice?

I didn't know he's going to fucking eat a donut on his lap. I haven't seen you. I'm telling you a story. No, not you. Oh, hang on a second. Bobby's got ADHD. Real quick. He's trying to, we've fucking been sitting and listen to you yet for fucking 30 minutes.

He tries to tell one story. You eat a donut and drink coffee, you piece of shit. shit. Is it bothering him? No. Yes. It's bothering him. Should I just do Chinese voice for the next 30 minutes? I could just do China voice. Figgs, I'm listening, but he's distracting me. It's not a funny. It's just a story. It's quick. It's not really funny. So anyways, I'm past there. I get past it to the mothership. The Adam guy sees me. He was really nice. Put the donut down. Mike, tell the story. Max, I mean, what's your name?

You put the state of destruction? Mike, go. You do it. Yes. I get there. I get there. Whatever. So I'm past that the fucking place. I impressed everybody. Bonnie, big shout out to Bonnie McFarland. She brought me there and it was amazing. And it was just a great crowd. And I got lucky. The owner saw me.

Bing, bang, boom. He's like, your part. Congratulations. Great. So then I leave right in the next weekend, I'm on the road with Vinny. So we go there. And Vinny, we're doing a Cap City comedy club. So Vinny's there and Vinny's a celebrity.

Yeah. So they, and Karen Feene is there too. Right. She's a celebrity. She's a celebrity, too. I love a lot. I love a lot. I love it.

I love a lot. I love it. Yeah. You're certain a bunch of creeps. She's a celebrity. She's got two left feet. Yeah, yeah. I don't care.

She put them above my mouth. Anyways, so she, so she, so we get the call to go in the back alley. So we go in the back alley. They put your phones in the bag. Karen, you come here. They give her like a kiss in the cheek. Come here, doll, do whatever you want. Boom, she goes upstairs.

Sounds very mesoth. They look at Vinny. They look at Vinny. They look at Vinny. They go, wow, celebrity, right? I'm nice. They're not even looking at me. They put your phone in the bag.

Tony wants to see you guys. So we start to go up. Yeah. Guy puts his hand on my jersey. He goes, oh, not you. Oh, no. You go to the bar. Misfits, whatever the fuck.

Misty's, yeah. You go to fucking mystical bar. Not mystical bar. You're not cool. It's Mitzie. Mitzies. The owner of the comedy, the comedy store. Hey, kid, come here.

You go to that fucking ghost bar over there. And they send me in that ghost bar. And everybody does, if any, goes up there and they fucking schmoozing. Karen goes on, kills it. And I'm in the bar with some fucking Kyle Bar like, you know, I'll be a fan of Tony forever. And they fucking left me. Meanwhile, I was telling them, I was like, I was like, well, tell them that I just got past.

They just saw me on the show. Maybe I could just hang out. But also, I'm not the type of guy to be like, oh, I'm going to suck you. I said, no problem. I'll hang out. I hung out on the bar. I was very calm, cool, and collective. It was a little different story.

Can I say something? You're like, come up, Mo. They're like, hey, you fucking Rikin. Go in the fucking Mitzvi bar, you fuck. Oh, my God. I got a story for you. Tell that story. Go ahead.

I got a goal one. Go ahead. No, no, no. Tell the fucking story. Figs. I'm not listening. Why the fuck did it? Eat over the fucking basket. You left food in here again. I'm fucking punching you in the face, Danny. No, really good. Yeah, give me these fucking... They're good. I got a good story. I was supposed to bring food in the studio. You got a good story. My story's stuck. Danny.

Just because you kiss... Shut up. Shut up. I need to burn it down. Let me this. You fucking Danny let... You put food in the studio again. I want to fucking knock you in the belly. You fucking... You're climbing cock-and-and-law. just because Mo's taking you on the road. Only one show, I think. Mo brought the donuts.

Yeah, and you say no, Mo. They're very good, Mo. You say no, Mo. They're good. Sorry, Mo. So, it's not your fault. I have a funny fucking story about this kill Tony. Can I say something to him first?

What bugs me about that? That's like if you came with me and you're my fucking opener and they invite me up, you come with me. That's why I'm not touring with that guy anymore. Why would he not? He broke my heart. But no, he doesn't know. But he doesn't know the comic code.

I know. I try to tell him, but he doesn't listen. He doesn't know that he's with me. And that's all he has to say. I hope it's a little Mo now. I'm a free agent. There you go. Mo would never leave you. You know Mario Bosco?

Yeah. Yeah. You hear a funny Mario Bosco story? Did you hear this yet? Does anybody say no to a funny Mario Bosco story? This story's crazy. So we go, I went to this Netflix shit, and they have in the Intuit Stadium is the Kill Tony thing.

Yeah. So whatever. I'm doing kind of what you said you shouldn't do. I have a crazy crew. I got Olga Naima. I got Mario Bosco. You know Olga the skinny Jewish car? They're from Long Island?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny. Olga, Mario, and this guy, Louis, Louis, Lewis, that I made my new guy. Louis J. Gomez. No. In Minnesota. Louis J. Gomez is good. He's a Minnesota guy.

Yeah. And he was like, hey, listen, if I show up to any club you're at, you give me a spot, I said, I don't got to pay for you to travel, nothing? He says, yeah. It's all right. He came like five cities. Now, all of a sudden, nobody's doing. Sleep on my fucking floor.

But I got three people. At your house where your wife is? No, when I'm on the road. Okay. So we go to this thing, they'm treated together. Now, I'm not used to the comedy world in the sense. I don't know everybody. I know a couple of people.

Yeah. I didn't know that, like, you needed a wristband to get in the store and all this shit. Yeah. And I'm sitting out there. I'm getting fuck. They got these heaters that are burning my neck off. You know, the heat is. Yeah.

And everybody's on top each other. And I, and I was so weird for me, and you're in this business a long time, I didn't, like, to see, like, people act, what's it, pompous? What's the word I'm looking for? Let them get it. Let them find, you know what I'm saying? Like, to be a little, I feel like some people were a little nose in the air. Yeah, you know?

I thought that was weird for, like, a comedy scene. Like, yeah. It wasn't like I was getting into Palladium. In L.A.? Yeah, yeah. Fucking parfacourse, man. Yeah, so it's like, you know, it was like I was trying to get into a club. Like, hey, you know what he said?

You know what I mean? Or whatever. No, it's the way it is it Anyway, so I'm like, hey, look, I'm here to try to do my thing Like, I can't maneuver with everybody, you know what I mean? Like, I'm doing my own little thing anyway. They want to go to the Kiltoni thing. So I go, I got a bracelet.

I'm thinking I'm going on. Mario don't get in. He's got no way to get in. He puts his name in a bucket, but he's got no money to get in. No. No, it's not on. What happened, I'll show you the video after this story. All go on to go on.

The kid Lewis somewhere is from Minnesota. can't stand Tony. Why? He's just like... Minnesota. Mnoseau. Woke. He can't stand it.

But he doesn't want to leave her alone because he's honorable. I'm going to go with her. He goes, I'm going to put my name in his bucket. Is there any chance I'm going to get picked? I said, there's thousands of people. Fuck you're worried about. Now, they're sick.

They think that I'm pulling strings. Two or the three people get picked. How is that possible? Oh, my God. Random. Who got picked? Mario doesn't get picked. Mary finagled his way.

You know what? did? Suck Tony's dick. He was sending a message. I caught my, I said, Marry, let me ask you a question. I went up to you. I said, I love to you say something retarded. He just answers you serious.

Nope, that's not what happened. Because he is retarded. So anyway, the kid gets picked, okay? He's miserable, the kid. Miserable. What he did to him is insane. I'll get to that. Mario gets someone

to feel bad and pay for his tickets, right? Front row tickets. Mario's jumping up in that. Tony, let's be Mario. Now, I caught Mario. I said, Mario, you went to Tony and you said that I told you to message him. He goes, what? I said, I told you to message him that we're friends that he helped you put it on.

I didn't say, no, I said, show me your fucking phone right now. He was DMing him. I caught him. He DMed Tony. Yeah, like trying to slide in there. Yeah. You know, that's how he is. So Mario, you know, there's a lot of cripples on the show.

Yeah. Okay. So now, first, Luis goes up. Luis U's my guy He's a good guy But he doesn't like that whole thing He's like you know I'm kind of right into that

He goes up He does his set does great Is that the woke guy? The woke guy The guy that hates Tony Doesn't want to go He doesn't like the show But he's honorable

Do you know the type like that? But he still went on Yeah Yeah But you know what I'm told him out right? Yeah it's a guy Who doesn't hate Tony Has to hate Tony

But if he's gonna give him An opportunity I'll take it Fuck off Listen he probably had the best set Honestly Right. People got abused.

He did a great set. But then he told me, where are you from? So he says where he's from. Tony goes, what type of girls you're like? He goes, what do you think? He goes, girls with blue hair. Now Tony gets him. He gets a prostitute.

I think it was a prostitute. I'm going to show you to show you to the picture. Makes it come on stage. You're going to make out with him on stage. Makes him take his shirt off. And I forget who the community. What episode was this? This is going to come out soon?

Yeah, it's not out yet. Oh, shit. And I'll show you. I have the video. I'll show you. I'll show you. So we can show the screen? had to do it. You know what I mean? And then he says, so when he comes out, they interview him,

he goes, where do you work? He goes, I open up for Mo. Yeah. Oh, Mo, they didn't even know who he was talking about. Little Mo Mo Muts out. All right. Then all of a sudden, they just go rogue. I could do anything I wanted to show, Tony says. I'm going to bring a random person from the audience. Brings up Mario. Mario comes. You know, he's at the limp, he comes with the bow tie, comes in the back, on the back, he goes, crying. And when he's going nuts, I'm pulling. And when he's going I'm nuts. I'm pumping him up. Goes out. You give him the sword, talk? I'm pumping him up. All right. He comes out, Tony, first thing out the gate, what do you think he says?

Edward. They rip their band-aid off. Boy a girl. We're all wondering. Oh, of course. The Mario. They don't know if he's a bore or girl. No, Mario did they? Use it to his advantage.

No, he used to his advantage. When he was done telling the story of how he got like that, showed his vagina. They were crying. Oh, how do you get like that? Sad stuff. He just, he has a, uh, his, his, his, his, his, mom's water broke and she took like pain medicine like a Bayers whatever and it went no I'm

serious it went to his sputory bearers Bayers they like went to his sputory glinda son yeah that's so so wait so now wait a second so now they're trying to zing him but everybody's feeling bad now you know my smart kid and then then the best is Mary because you know you have to know marry I know Mario since forever Mario he's a game Right. You leave money on the table. It's gone. He'll drill a hole.

Sounds like a great guy. He'll drill a hole in a joke of poker machine, stick his hand to there. Yeah, no, this is a guy. But he looks like a kid. Right. That's even worse. He goes like that with his mouth, you know? I'm sorry, I think of fucked your wife.

I should. Yeah. So anyway, he comes off stage. You know, and all the cripples are there. Yeah. They saw going nuts. We did it. Who's in a wheelchair, who's on a crutch.

And they're fucking going nuts. So whatever. Like he's a, he's a king of, take the cripples. Is he a handicapped Superman? No, Mario is? I do. He looks like a ventriloquist dummy.

He's the kid that looks like the goose. Oh, but you know him. He's like, hey, I talked like this. Did I barely know you, Danny? Oh, I got him. I got him. All right, so you want to shoot a kid making out first? Wait, let me see.

So Mario was crying? Wait on. Oh, my God. Have you ever made out with a woman before? Where was this at the garden? No, it's just the into it deal. Unbelievable. That's big.

Look at how many people. That's the kid that don't want to be on. Lewis. That's the kid who hates. He hates killed Tony. But he got on and did it. Did he get anything from it? You think he's going to be on Netflix. Oh, there you go.

I'm glad. Look at him. What's that there? They made him take his shirt off. Oh, so he has moral. He has standards. He has standards. I hate Tony.

Take your shirt off. Who what's this? Then they made him bring a girl up. They brought a girl up. Look. So we made out with a girl. Look. Oh, gross.

They're kissing each other. Right? What did it? And then here he is A little Mario He's all pumped up I like Mario Wait hold on

Because he got you fooled Hold on Now look you know what he looks like You ever see Passion of Christ The one where they're gambling The one he's got the guy That cool gambling movie They got the evil guy

The devil's in his arms Yeah He looks like the devil baby Now he's popping quailutes This is his intro Now from now on What up to the microphones So we can hear it.

And when I seen this... Rest in peace. Now when I seen this, wait. When I seen this, I says, Mario, this might be the last video we ever makes. You never know. Because his organs. It's horrible.

This is fucking Benjamin Button. Wait. Wait a second. Wait. Is this pituitary gland okay? It might not be. So now, now I tell them, tell the truth. You're making anybody feel bad.

Now look what he does. I want to learn how to fly. Forever You're not But this fucking kid I could have been on the show He got me this fuck He got you

You know Danny was a crack pick My spot Let me tell you Danny loves you Danny fucking He talks about you highly All the time How funny and

Nice you are Yeah You take care of him Which is great Yeah he's a good kid Yeah but he will steal your money If you're not like Nah not Danny

No he has He told me He's stolen some of your money He did Yeah right out of your sock What's that outfit he wears He dressed like a fish once in a while

Yeah that's called Danny the Bass What is it? Danny the Bass Danny Bass Danny Bass Where you work You're in Governors a lot No

This is the way Moe's brain works What's that thing he calls himself You work at governors You know the donut Where do you live? No I live in the Bronx I work at the same You're from the Bronx?

For the Bronx yeah Oh nice East 2333 White Plains Row A little Jamaica Yeah One of my biggest Vives ever did Was saying that

Someone says, I go, where you're from? He goes to the Bronx, and I put my jewelry away. And their video went crazy. Yeah, that's good. Because, you know, I don't care who you are. That's good. He's got a million followers, by the, I got $3,000. It don't man.

You really only have $3,000? No, I got $11,000. Oh, thank God. Come on now. I'm telling you, the following shit's out. Yeah. What do you mean? They're just going to just make it that you don't see the fault.

They're going to, this is my opinion. Who's day? I don't know what they means. Do you remember when, do you remember when AOL and time want all these people merged sure okay same thing's gonna happen social media is gonna be like the cable company well Facebook and Instagram already merged

yeah no but it's gonna be like like cable you had time warning now you put Instagram on your you can put Instagram on your TV now right yeah TV's gonna flip this is my opinion I'm guessing and you're gonna watch like that now what I'm saying is people go oh nobody who used the attention spin when we were kids in the 80s

it was a fucking cocaine epidemic no yeah okay then it went to a dope epidemic now first of all I love When they ask a question and then they go, no? You get what I'm saying? I do. Okay, they brought you up, they bring it down. It flips.

So guess what? George Bush was the president. No? Yeah. But I'm saying everybody goes on all, nobody has to the attention. But I'm saying, everybody was sucking off Bill Clinton, right? No? All right.

But I'm saying everybody says it's all the tension span. Yeah, tension span. It's got to stop. I'm tired to look at things for one second. Then people go, AI's going to take over the internet. Why? I don't want to see a fake person. So live stuff's going to be better, no?

it's taking over movies. Because they're using it for stunts. There's no more stuntmen. They don't have to... Oh, they're going to be a lot. That was hard, but you saw... They don't have to pay a guy to fucking jump off a building

into a bag anymore. They're just fucking a high. How do you think Charlie Chaplin felt when you came around? I don't know. I have to think about that, Moe. Get back to you. So you're from the Bronx?

I'm from the Boogie Down Bronx, baby, boy. How did you get into comedy? In college, I was doing, doing like improv shows and whatever. And then I started, I took a class at Carolines. And then, uh, and then I started broadcasting. I was working with Anthony Coombeer for a little while, a compound and then Aaronberg, whatever.

Then I met Lewis and I was in gas digital and Bing Bang Boom. And before you know it, now I work at the stand and New York Comedy Club. I was on the road with fucking. Very funny guy. He is funny. He got all these accents and shit. No, he's on stage. You know, you asked me, you said, what would my dream job be?

Yeah. My dream job would be like hosting something on TV and getting paid. Like, I wouldn't. in mind being Ryan Seacrest. There's no better time than now. When I look at something that's successful, I break it down. It's never going to happen. No, I'm going to tell you why.

Give him a peptopause. I'm going to give you a fat Italian Mexican. You see, I'm going to give you, I want to give you a scenario. I lost four pounds. You have to cover your arms. When you see the Kill Tony show, right? What day at a week they do it? Monday. Why? I don't know. Something with Sheavitt. Something with the high

holiday. No. Oh. because there's nothing to do and they had a fucking rain. If I want to do a show, I got a thousand clothes to let me do a Monday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay?

So now you're selling tickets and you're streaming, right? So like, what I'm saying is... I'm not selling any tickets. If you want to know, I'm gonna give you a gem. I tell, I just didn't... What do you want to say?

I didn't gain off of it, but I know it. Social media is just going to follow the evolution of television. Okay, so knowing that, name five things that you watch on television and aren't on social media and do one of them. Go ahead. Yeah, but you took advantage of social media. You did it, you did it right.

So, like, I work with the guys from the New Yorkers. That's how I met you. I met you the Yankee game one time. It was a long time. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I met you there with Ben. With Ben, with Benji.

And those guys, something like you, you and I lost like four pounds. I was fatter back then. I was ahead of the curb on that, too. So, but you, social media is so important. And you do something. I see you every time I pull up my phone. Yeah. Every day you're posting.

And that's something that we got to do. And we're lazy. Like, young guys, like me. Who does your videos? You? Me. So you just hold your phone up. Well, you know what it is?

I just, I look at it. The algorithm likes that. They see that he's using the actual app. I looked at it. I looked at it as, well, put it this way. I spent a lot of money trying to do something different than what I was doing. What was that? Like, in other words, what I did work?

And then I tried, I want higher quality video. I wanted I bought this equipment. I did this and that. When, when I started, I just grab my phone and talk. And that's how I did what I did with the Yankees. My idea was, well, you can't bring a camera in there, right? I can't bring camera equipment. And I really essentially just made the Yankees say to my stage.

What I'm trying to say to you is when I told you guys before at the coffee shop, just think about like something you can utilize as a stage. You know what I'm trying to say? Sure, for sure. Like, I get to give you a scenario. I was just telling them I have an idea for a show. My brother gave me an idea for a show. I'm going to memorialize it right now because I might do it.

I was at Rodney's a night. You're going to memorialize it? Whoever you call it. I don't know. I'm asking. I'm not being a dick. I don't know what the fuck. I want to put it on record.

I want to put it on record. Okay, great. So my brother's a doctor. My brother's a psychologist. So he wanted to do a show where you sit in a chair and he talks to you. You know what I mean? Because he's a real psychology, really can do it. Then I said to myself, what if you had a girl like, I don't know why I'm using a girl.

Probably work better. Like a girl who acts like a psychologist, but she really don't say none. You bring comedians up. You make him sit in a chair. They're slay in a chair. You know, like you tell me about your mother. You know what I'm doing? And it's questions to make you open up,

but they don't really give you advice. Yeah. It could be a funny show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A little pod of some. For sure. But now, this is what I'm trying to say. She got nice tits.

If you try and it doesn't work, would you lose? Nothing. So I'm into doing things that don't cost you nothing. Respect to other comedians. So that's what holds you back from posting. Can I say something? That's my problem. You're absolutely right.

I'm afraid of post-or and shit even though I'm afraid. This is why you're afraid. This is why you're afraid of Lewis. Because you're afraid of Lewis. or Big Jets or me going, look with a fucking stupid Mike, stupid Mike Fig. You see the stupid? Yes, we will do that. We will attack you. But who gives a fuck?

I know. I'm learning. I'm learning not to get the fuck. Who gives the shit? This is what you do. You do what you want to do. What you want to do, that's your social media, do whatever the fuck you want. And don't worry about all the other guys, the professional comedians that you looked up to respect talking shit about you behind you back because we're going to do that. Yeah. But it doesn't matter because you shoot past them.

Yeah. You go past them. You start selling tickets. And it doesn't matter. They bust, dude, I post shit and they bust. You know who doesn't fucking like anything I do? Who? My comic friends.

Yeah. They don't give, no comics like any. Comics don't really like all the comic stuff. They just look at them. No, because they don't fuck. They want, they only care about their little hearts. They don't want to give it out. That's a fact.

Yeah. It's a fact. I think that's, and if I see somebody, I liked one of yours, I think I like the fucking plea for help that you did today. Oh, that was a stupid thing. Why didn't you like my stand-up clips? Bobby? Not as good. But listen, there wasn't as desperate. Stand-up is not good for, stand-up doesn't work well on social media. It's not favored. No, but that came up. When I see your stuff I like, you want I see

your stuff like, you know, I try to, as soon as I see somebody I know, I just hit the heart. Just to give them, if that's what I can do for you, if I can bring five people to your page or get you in the algorithm by a centimeter, you should. We should all like each other's shit, but we don't because it's an ego. Do you know how to tell, do you know how to, if you guys don't, don't ever interrupt. Do you? Don't ever interrupt. I'm sorry.

I was, I'm kidding. Quick wait. I want to teach you a trick. Don't ever interrupt. Do you know how to. Do you follow? Don't interrupt everybody. Do you know how to do it?

Go ahead. Go ahead. Do you follow people that you don't like? Yeah. I try not to. No, no, no, like, like because you didn't. I wrestle with this all day long. Yeah.

I want them followed them. Yeah. But then I know they get weird. Yeah. You get weird. No, I follow people that I shouldn't fall, like weirdo. I like fucked up shit on Instagram. Like weird people, like a lady with no arms.

Like Piddy? You follow Diddy? I don't follow Diddy because that's just hack. Danny, pull it up. Does he follow Ditty? I might. But listen to this thing is. I follow like there's a lady with no arms that cooks.

Oh, what about that one with no arms? Like she goes in a shower and she does everything. Yeah. I like weird shit like that. I like people, like goofy people. She makes a sandwich with a foot? I've seen that lady. I've seen that lady.

See, like, see TikTok favors people. people who have things wrong with them. Yes. I mean, it's a fact. It's like Beetlejuice, right? It's the kiltonia social media. It's like Beatles, from South Stern, right?

Well, because people want to see that shit. Because I know a lot of guys that deformed that, you know, get follows. But fuck TikTok. I hate TikTok. I follow a guy who sings. Oh, I think I follow that guy too.

Yeah, Michael Jackson songs. I like weird shit like that. I follow a guy who just puts out of food around. Hang on one second. Sorry. You get a fucker. You eat a fucking doughnut. Can I have a gin?

Yeah, get a dog. You know, I work with the competitor. How powerful is it? So I follow a guy who just takes elastics and puts food around his head. And like sausages, pancakes. And he goes, I'm the sausage pancake head, man. So I just, you know, shit like that I like. But he has thousands of followers.

That's great. That hundreds of way more than you and way more than me. But that's social media. But you think he gives a fuck about what the fuck anybody thinks about them? So pump and dump. Who cares about the quality? Pump and dump? No, no, no, no.

Let me tell you. Let me tell you. Let me tell you, because I don't have that money. I need your fucking help. I'm going to tell you. You know, so I worked in the engineering department, and I had all these really smart engineers around me. And engineers, they think a lot, right?

They say you can't go in the room. Wait, what were you thinking? No, I want to say something. I want to say something. When somebody is very... I want to tell you something. When someone's very creative, the best thing to do is put a fucking hourglass of front of them.

you'll think and you'll get so obsessed with doing a perfect product that you'll never get on out there. That's called ADHD. Am I right or wrong? I might not explain it the right way. No, you explain, Mo. But he's too... You mean like a physical hour?

My, Ma, I want to say something to you though. Yeah. Listen, what happened to you, right, because of who you're a, you're a character. Yeah. Who you are. There's nobody doing what you do. Yeah. And you, but you see people like that.

Theo Vaughn is a character. There's certain people that, Burke Chrysher, the shirt thing, they find something that connects with people beyond their base, right? And they say, fuck it, I'm doing it. I'm gonna do it fuck. Bird knows you get shit for taking a shirt up.

Suck my dick. My family's taking care of. I'm taking care of. I have generational wealth. I'm happy. Fuck you. Who gives a shit? Yeah.

Who gives, take your shirt off, man. Make you money. When we make fun of you? Yep. I'll do it to your face. Whatever. But I don't really, really, do I give a fuck what you're, no. If you're making money and you do something, if you wind up doing,

if you're hosting a fucking show with those arms, I don't give a fuck what you do. Do whatever you want to do. Try it. You never know. Look, if he never tried it, he wouldn't be able to fucking lose all his money to gambling. Yeah. Well, I try to say, is, do you, are you someone who watchable of your roof,

for an underdog you rule for a favor? I guarantee Mike, Mo doesn't listen to it. word anybody says is just thinking about what he's going to say. I know. I 100% listen to me. Is that a narcissist? No, it's an Italian. It's an Italian.

Because I don't think I'm an narcissist for people to tell me I am. Yeah, 100% of narcissism. I'm literally talking to you. You're staring at me and I saw your thoughts go through your head. As soon as I was done, you went, dude, the thing you got to do. What part of the Bronx will have that again? We're going to wrap this up. Listen, dude.

That's it? That's it. I'm going to go to Patreon. I'm going to go to Patreon. We're going to go to Patreon? We're going to do Patreon? No, we're going to do Patreon. You don't put air conditions on here.

My tongue is stuck to my phone. Throw the fucking... Throw the AC on, guys. Listen, guys, we're going to Patreon.com. So that's where I'm going to do... We're going to do questions from the fans for these guys. But do me a favor first. Mike, where are you going to be?

Where can people find you? You guys already know at Comic Mike Figgs. Check out the YouTube page. I stream live every week. The Patreon, we got Fake Talk. Thanks for all the new subscribers. I'm at the stand in New York Comedy Club every fucking weekend. Come by.

Hit me up. I get you in. come watch a show. Make sure you check him out. Figgs is one of the good guys in the business, and he's funny, and make sure you follow him. If you're already not following him, go follow him now and leave him a message

that you heard him on the show, and you like this shit, so he doesn't have to get a day job. What do you got, Mo? I'm a little MoMA whatsoever. If you don't know I am, you're living under Iraq, how you don't? No, I don't. No, I got a whole bunch of shows coming up.

Is that me? Yeah, that's you, bud. I didn't even announce the fucking tour you, Danny. I got a tour coming up in October, But everybody threw the dates on in advance. Fuck it. What's your call? The name of the tour?

Yeah. Major proms tour. You want to see the flyer? Yeah. I'm an air conditioner. He's the mechanic. Right? And I get the van and I'm robbing everybody.

The house is blown up. It's on fire. Sick. Can I say something, though? You do rob people, right? Not anymore. Okay. Just that guy in a casino.

He deserved it. But yeah, I got that going on. In October, you know, and really, I'm looking forward to it because I, you know, I put a lot of time into writing. I kind of know where I'm, what's working now. me and everything. I got some good shit. I'm excited to go on. Well, your thing is interactive, too. People yell shit at you. They're coming to yell stuff.

But what I do now is I found, like, if I don't do it, when someone calls me out and I get them, everybody's on my side. They love it. So I don't have to do it because I know someone's going to say, is this, I don't have to do anything. They just call shit out. Right. So I used to just dive into it, but it throws my whole setup off. Yeah. Because I was

like, I got to pull something out now. Yeah. was for fucking five minutes and going back and forth with this idiot. You know what I mean? But I just kind of just, that's the shit you end up posting. It's not my whole set. You know what I mean? Right. But, but yeah.

But yeah, come see us. We got a whole bunch of fucking shows. And my thing. Danny's going to be opening for them. Is that my shows? I got that many fucking shows. Yeah. Holy shit.

They got me running around the hole. That's good. That's good. You're going to make the cash back. You're going to make it. Yeah, if we can sell, a lot of these places I can't sell a fucking thing. This is northeast. This is good.

You're going to sell and keep your money this time. and next time you don't have to fucking worry about it. You know me, I take that summer off. I take July and August off. I'm starting in October. That's a good time, no. I've got two shows in the summer. I got the mothership, July 4th weekend.

Fourth, what is it, the third, fourth, and fifth. I'll be at the mothership. Do me a favor. If you're coming to the show, get your tickets now. I want my fans, because it sells out. So make sure you get your tickets so my fans are there. And then this is all, just has nothing to do with me. Yeah, yeah.

Listen, go get fucking tickets for my show. everything I'm doing. What? All right. So if you, you go, right, and you get tickets to the show, all right? I'm going to send an email blast up because I love punchup. I love the punchup. Punchup. I know. Danny told me. He says me and you call him too much. Well, but what? I don't know. He says it. We like it the best. He likes it the best. He thinks he's fighting over us. We're fucking love it. It's the best thing. If you're a comment that you're not punch up, you're an asshole. So what I do on punch up, you know, I can send the email out to everybody. Yeah, to everybody. So I send the email on and I say, if you print this email out,

and you come to the show with it, I give you a post or a, t-shirt. That's a good idea. You know why? It's been working. People coming to me in the show, we're fucking, they've been buying tickets. That's great. I'm going to start doing that.

It's smart. I'm going to do, but I'm going to do a sticker. Yeah, stickers. You know what? I love posters. I hate t-shirts. I like the, T-shirts are knowing to travel with.

They suck. I know. You know what you got to do? Air fresheners. What? It's the best. Air fresheners. It's a great.

I did really go with posters. The thing is, the thing is I put the year on it like an idiot. Now I'm in 2026. you're buying in 2000. Oh, yeah. You didn't sell out all the posters? No, I got a thousand.

You know what I did? I did a small runner post. Yeah. For that venue. So everyone is just for that venue. That's nice. So when you, I just went to, I went to New Orleans in Alabama.

I had a small run from New Orleans and it was two different posters just that night. And you just sell them out. That's nice. Yeah. And you know what, Danny? Danny gave me a good tip. I think it was you, Danny, right? Yes.

Pay what you want. That's what I do You don't pay you one for I go name your price Just hey do you You want one take one If you can't afford it If you just pay what you want

It's like dude I put it for 10 bucks 50 bucks it's like Fuck it Take it if you need it If you don't have the money You're a fan Why I made Mario

Walk around with a fucking A church basket Hilarious 500 you got Nice All the comics wanted to kill him You only got 200 Because Mario

He didn't give me none He didn't No he didn't No he didn't No he didn't So get tickets I don't want to be Wait till the last fucking second

Because then the clubs Get my tickets Away for free and then they'll tell me he got 50 comps a night. Oh, I hate it. Don't worry. You catch them all time? No, I do.

I do a door deal now. Yeah, I do door deal. But what I'm saying is they... They got to ask me... They hit me to come. Yeah, but if they hit me, they got to go, hey, this one's light. I want to give away 20.

All right, you can do that. I did it. I did a lot of tickets. They hit me with 160 comp. Really? They give me to count. I thought I fucking did so great. They took 80 a night, four-night show.

80 a night in comps. So you're sick and ahead? I thought they were kidding with me. Holy shit. Like, no, no, he gave A DIA. And they all showed? You know, the clubs are fucked up. What are you going to do?

What are you going to? Is that still me? Yeah. No, that's not me. This is me. I'm not doing no place. I'm going to be comedy mothership. And then I'm going to Portsmouth, New Hampshire, the musical on just one night, the 25th.

Those are the only two shows I have in the summer. So make sure you check those out. Then September, I'm in Saratoga. You doing Brooklyn. Nice. Have you done it? Brooklyn, Brooklyn is nice. Ah, beautiful, man.

I did it. I did it. I opened it up. Can I give my fucking Yeah, five seconds? I get tickets Wait for free Mo.

Can I do fucking My bucks? I'm sorry. I'm not a matron. Yeah, but you're yapping. You went over your Did I talk over your fucking tickets you're guinea?

We got to, we got to walk some. Let's get out of the donuts. This fucking kid. Anyways, go to punchup. I'm done. Punchup.

com. I'm done. Punchup. Live slash Robert Kelly. Port Charlotte are coming back. Florida. I'm all over the fucking place. I'm going to New Orleans.

I want to go to fucking New Orleans. Skag Fest, go to Skag Fest. I never been. Go to Skag Fest. Oh, you're in. What's the dates? What do you mean? Lewis is putting tickets all over place on benches and shit. Just reach me out of a bench.

He wants to be in it. Yeah, you'll be in. No, I want to go. He wants to perform. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lewis would put him on. Right? Or no, should I not speak?

I don't know. I wouldn't. He would have 3,000 followers. My phone is ringing. Lewis? Don't tell me that you do it. You think you're fucking Rungdash Digital? Yeah, dude.

No, no, I, this is not. You know, Lewis, right? No. The person that talked to me in Netflix, the only one who said hi to me was Big J. Big J. Yeah, he's the only one that said hi. He's a good guy. He's the one of the best. Yeah, I didn't know nobody, you know. All right, can I finish the fuck?

I mean, this guy. Just, you know what? Danny, what are you got? Ruin Danny's plugs. Come see me headline in Saratoga, June 13th, and I'll also be in St. Pete, Florida, August 14th, and 15th. You know who he sounds exactly like? Alfred Hitchcock a little. Really? You don't think so? I've never heard of.

You don't know who Alfred Hitchcock is? I don't know who it sounds like. I don't know who he is, but I've never heard him. I've never, I've been like, that's Danny. You guys are going to Skink Fest? You like a lot of black and white TV. I like, that's all I watch. Really?

I love it. Cody, what do you got? Call me on Cody the comic at Instagram, and also come to my monthly show. Next one is on the 28th at New York Comedy Club in Stanford. Nice. Am I on that? Nice club.

Do you want to be on it? No, what one am I on that I'm doing with you? I don't know. No, it's a don't tell. Oh, shit. I can't tell. Joe, what do you got? This is Joe Russell.

Go to Instagram and then type in jokes, Russell. And please give me a follow. All right, there you go. All right, guys, that's it. We're going to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly right now. You guys are the best fans of the world. Check these guys out.

Make sure you like, subscribe, and comment on YouTube. And we'll see you over there. You know what, dude?