Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #644 | Mike Cannon, KP Burke, & Larry Burke | Father's Day

Episode Date: June 21, 2026

This Week on YKWD, we have a father's day special with KP Burke , His dad, and Mike Cannon. They discuss what it means to be a dad and KP reunites w/ his biological father. Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized,affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/YKWD Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day. Where it all started before fun and crazy. This isn't NPR. That's the original. What's up, everybody? It's Robert Kelly.

We're back with a special YKWD at the comedy. seller, studios, a Father's Day. Warky, you know what, dude, you know what, Dad? That's what, call me, you know what, Dad? We got a great show tonight. All dads, we got Dad on Dad action. We got all kinds of dads in here. And so, if you're a dad, stay tuned.

If you're watching this on YouTube, make sure you hit subscribe, get in the comments, and like everything, and spread the word. If not, we got to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. If you really want to support the show and you love the show, please go there and sign up. It's nothing. It's very cheap, but it helps the show out and helps me pay the kids who will never have, they'll never have children, hopefully, who work for me. But Danny, who do we got?

We have from the Beautiful Boys podcast and Fart Carnival, Mike Cannon is in the house. That's right. We also have K.P. Burke from the American Loser podcast. and his new book, History Isn't Boring Your Teacher was, and his father, Larry Burke. Hey. We got his dad in the house.

Now, we've got to be, I feel like, I've never had a, I've never had a real dad. Like, I've had got, talked about this before.

I've had kids, I've had comics with, I've had you on, you're a dad. Yeah. I've had comics with, who are dads, but I don't consider us real dads.

You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Like, if you look at, if you look at him, that's a dad. That's a dad. You know what I mean? That's a dad.

It looks like like if you had a different path. Yeah. You're saying if I had a dad. Yeah. Maybe if one of them stuck. That's really what I thought he meant before. He's like, I've never had a dad. And I was like, oh, Bobby's going to talk about growing up and everything.

No. Like on the show, I've never had a dad. No. You know what? I look back on it now. I've had many dads, like dudes who were my dads for a certain time. If I look at the way I'm raising my son, there's things that I know that I didn't know. and I just, but I'm like, where did I get that from?

And I know, that's from Larry. Like, I can go in the backyard and just do shit and like make things. I'm like, oh, that's from Larry, my stepdad, who was pretty much, you know, my dad, most of my life, even though I live with them. That's actually a benefit of having multiple dads, though. You can kind of assign individual attributes to each one. You guys. Cherry picked the dad. Yeah.

Yeah, like he caught me that. I taught. Like, I don't know if it was my dad's left or right fist. That is the reason for why I'm. Insecure. I think I'm an assassin. I know how to kill people because of a Russian guy I met in rehab that helped me out. Vladimir.

Nice. Who was my surrogate father for a while. I can kill people. Vladimir. Vladimir. That was the only Russian name I could come up. Is that where you got that jacket? I do like it.

No, this is the problem with comics. I'm going to tell you right now, Dad. This is why you're real man. As soon as I walked in, touched it, complimented. But I knew where he was going. I knew at some point. You're just feeding him material. Well, he's just touching it and feeling it, getting all his little bits and pieces.

I was stimming on it. I was just kind of rubbing the fabric together, like a little autistic. I was going to take a nice hot one on this red coat, you said, up. No, but don't you think, you know, like Euro, it's very athletic. I am not giving you any more. I just think it looks good. No, no, you don't. It's a nice material as well.

It suits your body. I don't like you a thick collish t-shirt. Is it thick? Dude, it's way too thick for a t-shirt. TikTok shop, dude, $4.99. Bobby, you're looking like you're ready. for the USA you've got a soccer team there it's your warm-up jack you god I love USA

he's the pitch the field I know what that is you did that joke thinking I wasn't gonna know because you did that joke that's two mean jokes you call me big I'm sorry and you called me dumb because you didn't think I knew what the pitch was I watched Ted Lassow you piece of shit

that's right oh damn Americans are learning about soccer we have well it's it's funny because I met both of you guys you weren't dads right and you've come dads and you can tell it happens yeah you can tell that you guys are dads well he's got

it written all over his face too because kp is brand new and you can see that he hasn't had a full night of sleep and he can see how relaxed he is he hasn't had to deal with that shit in your ear no kp has like Scott Dissick distance face like he's like the ozepic eyes

just looking out a thousand miles Cannon tell me you look tired so you're doing it right and I was like there's a compliment in there I'm going to find it and I'm going to live on it from Canada yeah there's always an insult with a compliment. No, that means he's active and he's involved. We get it.

You mean with the insults. It's father's thing. But it's supportive. The left-handed compliment, right? Yeah, that's, that's candid. He's a nice, he's like, he'll tickle the arm, see, here. There you go.

It's not, well, it's because it's not, like, it's not cloth and it's not windbreaker. It's a thing that I've never felt. Yeah, that's right. Right. Vigina? It's been out of pussy. Sorry.

No, I'm kidding. You can say pussy. He's a man. How do you think? No, I'm kidding. Well, this is the funny part. He is your step-down. I love that.

You did that. He goes, how do you think? I forgot. He had nothing to do with that. Good transition. Yeah, my adopted father. He's your, let me, can I, we've talked about this before, but I... Picked him up at the pound.

I forgot. Where did you adopt? Where did you find him? Craigslist. He was picking the litter. Really? Yeah. Do you have Facebook?

You were looking for an e-bike and you found KP? This was the 80s. You had to know a guy to get a baby. First of all, no, not a baby, a white baby. Correct. That's the craziest thing of all. Expensive. Right?

Did that cost more? Yeah, well, you had to pay to pay, pay to pay, pay, to play, kind of a thing. Pay to play. There is a creepy story, by the way, he tells me about adoptions. They were so weird in the 80s. Yeah, because they were fucking kids all the time back down. I'm 100%. Certainly not.

Yeah, that's when we first learned that guys would just, we didn't know that back in the 60. the 50s and shit we were like oh geez everybody's fine and then we were like the 70s and 80s we're like kids were just missing and we're like oh guys are fucking them yeah yeah it's uh it's ruined milk for everybody you know what I mean just you can't not for the guys who are fucking kids how they get to look at it well uh next victim coming up here that was their version of pinch they were like this they were like this all I remember him oh this one that are more a little more right oh kid hit with that one on the trophy I was good too but you fucking gave him compliments sorry I really did to

savor it. It was good. Plenty of kids. All right. That was a messed up story, man. I believe that because I was adopted, it's Patterson, New Jersey. You know what I mean? You're talking like, lean on me time frame.

Right. And then I believe, tell the story correctly, but, you know, I think I got handed off via a taxi cab in a parking lot off hospital prep. No, you had to be, yeah, because it was a Catholic hospital. So we couldn't, they couldn't put the baby on. on hospital property. We had to go off, off campus kind of a thing. In order to have the baby passed off of us.

And it came in a cab? No, no. You're actually confusing that with your sister. It was like Uber Eats. His sister is also adopted. So let me ask question, why adoption? You guys couldn't have kids? Right.

You wanted, okay, so you were like, I'm going to adopt. My wife suffered three miscarriages, and the third one nearly killed. Right. We had one, too. me and Dawn, I remember she told me she was pregnant, and you'll never get that first. Yeah.

That first, like, oh, my God, because we were trying for like two years, and I was like, I remember I was crying, and then a week later she goes, she went in the bathroom, she goes, it's gone. I was like, there's a better way to say that. It's gone. Yeah, yeah.

There's a way better way to do that. But then I had to go, you're not supposed to tell people you're pregnant for like a few months, because I told Derosa her in Burr and they were like, dude, we did that whole, and I had to go back to them. I'm going, hey, dude, when I having the baby, they were like, oh, shit. And then the next time she was pregnant, I had to, like, keep it shut.

Yeah. Because I didn't want to, you know, disappoint my friends again. We told my. God, God, God. God, God, God. We told my son. We got pregnant for a second child, had a miscarriage, and we had already told our son, because we were past three months also.

So it was just. And then we got pregnant right away after. Thought it may have been like a chemical thing because apparently there can be like remnants, you know, whatever. And but and then she had like, she like bled when we were at a comedy festival in Florida. And so we thought that was number two. She kept the doctor's appointment.

And then like a week later she found out not only was she still pregnant, but it was a boy. Wow. Yeah, we like, it was the most like heady like give, take, take it back like that whole day. Roller coaster. Yeah, it's such a weird thing. I can go you can finish that mural.

of two boys. Yeah, yeah. I did give my new baby a tattoo, you know, angel wings on his arm just to signify the first one. So when you, so you were like, I'm going to adopt. That's a long process. It's like hard.

Yeah, well, actually it was through a medical contact that we had that they realized our history, if you will, trying to have kids and not being successful with that. Right. And then my wife actually did deliver, but he only was with us for 10 days. Right. And then, you know, it's in neonatal care and everything else.

That was talking about a roller coaster. Yeah, man. That's a freaking roller coaster. Definitely worse than what we went through. Of course, yeah. Yeah. So, and then, again, through some medical context, we found out that there was somebody else that was looking to give up their child. Wanted to go full term, but, you know, was looking to have somebody adopt.

Am I a HIPAA violation? Is that? Am I finding this out? Yeah. Yeah, kind of. No doctor patient confidentiality? I don't think the hippo was back then. I wonder,

I think that was in the 90s. That happened later. I love how the transfer was like a weed delivery. Yeah. I like to imagine it's that drug deal from heat when the two cars are moving towards each other very slowly. And then just John Voight gets out and hands my dad me. You know what to do with this. Same crew as last time.

And the second one, when we adopted your sister, Kerry, she was, again, a different hospital, but the situation, we bought the birth mother up from Florida. And because Florida had some really weird adoption rules that we couldn't adopt from, because we were out of state, they would only allow an adoption within the state of Florida. Oh, right. So we had to make arrangements for this girl who was now nine months pregnant. to fly from Florida to New Jersey so she could give birth in New Jersey. And then we were legally allowed to adopt in New Jersey.

You're like a Texas football coach, setting up an address for a recruit. There you go. We're doing some wide range recruiting for sure. I didn't know Florida was straight. I thought you could just find a baby on the street in Florida and take it. I don't know what the rules are now. I think those other rules now. That's what we had to go through.

They were nervous on the plane, too. If my sister had been born on the plane, would have actually gotten, I think, 20,000 Spirit Airline miles. There's a lot of things to go on. Bonus, bonus, bonus. Hey, what's going on? You know what, dude, fans. You got better things to do than worry about your hairline.

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for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral monocidal and finastertide. But then we also had to make arrangements for her birth mother to fly back to Florida again.

So, and again... Please tell me you flew her up first class and sent her back on a fucking Greyhound bus. Oh, it would be... Right. Take the dog, take the dog. That's right. But anyhow, you know, we had to make those arrangements,

and so we had to arrange for her to get from the hospital once she was discharged. We took possession of my daughter, and then the taxi that was going to take her to the airport, the taxi driver, when he realizes that this is a new mother with a baby, he's freaking out because he doesn't have a baby seat or anything, you know, that he's in violation now. I said, dude, don't worry about it. All you're going to do is get to the end of the parking lot,

and we'll take it from there. And you're taking her back to the airport. So right away, you didn't even buy her a fucking sandwich? That's wild. You get peanuts on the plane. Yeah, she had hospital mixed fruit. You took the baby. Way more mango than strawberry.

Yeah, that was wild times for sure, for sure. So you get him back to the house. You get her back to the house. How far apart is this? What are we 15 months of art? 15 months. I have a stranger question. Did you come into contact with his birth mother?

His birth mother, yes. Well, she, he was in the birth mother's arms. Gotcha. And the hospital, their rules were you had to roll the patient out, out the front door kind of a thing. Right. But now we're on the sidewalk in front of the hospital, but we had to go.

That's so crazy. We had to go down a half a block. Right. To the sub shop? Right. They were off the hospital property. Just leave her in the wheelchair out there? Did you reel her back?

Well, her, her, your, uh, birth father and grandfather were there at the same time. So they, they took it from there. So, so let me ask you a question. You get these, like, I'm nervous. I'm sure you guys are too. Like when you have a, when you have a kid, you're like, what is it? At some point, it's just going to be them. Yeah.

At some point, whatever you teach them, whatever you're going to do, at some point, it's an individual and they're going to be whatever they are, right? Right. Are you nervous that it has none of you and your wife inside of that it might be? That's always going through your head. You mean, you know, hopefully. At one point, he's just going to start going, listen, motherfucker. I don't deal with that shit.

He played a good hand, though. He goes nature, nurture type thing. So it's like, listen, oh, he's very smart. He likes history. So he's like me. And he goes, oh, he's a degenerate alcoholic. So obviously, that's genetic. and we can't do anything.

So were you guys a little nervous? Oh, absolutely. Are we now agreeing to adopt a serial killer, or future serial killer, or, you know, we have an idiot savant here. Just a plain idiot, you know. A little bit of both. Also, and I'm not, I hope this doesn't come off as insensitive,

but from the buildup of, like, trying and not having it happen for that long, and then to have it. finally here. Yeah, and at the point where she already had a number of miscarriages and then gave birth to a premature. Right. And then she had to have a hysterectomy to save her life. Right, right. So I mean, our options of birthing our own kid was, you know, that's out. That's gone. Did the church have anything to say about the hysterectomy? Because with my grandmother, she almost died, she had eight children to, like full birth, but she lost a couple and almost died from, from

complications, and they, the church told her she was not allowed to get a hysterectomy because that was against God's will. It was, it was, it was, it was contraception. And she went against it. She was going to die. Way to bring a showdown, Mike. Sorry, I was just, I was curious. I mean, you don't want to hear to hysterectomy twice on a comedy podcast. It's a deep combo. I'm I mean, you know. It's a rule of threes. One more. He's back in. He has a podcast about dads. Well, he has a hysterectomy podcast. That's an American hysterectomy. Real quick, I do want to these guys credits. KP. has American Loser Pod, and he has

History Isn't Boring, Your Teacher Was, and Mike has a great podcast, a couple great podcasts, too. He's got Beautiful Boys podcast, which I've done with the Ant-Hand-Hand-Hand-Pod. Dad-Pod and Fart Carnival podcast, which is not going to make it. It's with Zach Lowe and I.

It's just a friend show. I know. You guys been trying for too long. Yeah. We're just, you know, we're reconfiguring. We're shuffling the numbers. You need Fini back. We play Bogle. Feeney didn't want to join. We asked them. He said no thanks. And now I think after his fourth season of trying to find a new co-host, he's ready to join. Anyways, make sure you follow their podcasts.

So you get these kids back to the house and you have these children now. Yeah. With the rest of the family at the house now, you know, waiting to receive. Because I can remember on his day one, you know, we finally get him back to the house. I'm like, everybody's there. Grandmothers on both sides, grandfather's on both sides. grandfather's on both sides. Everybody's, you know, uncles, everybody else.

And I guess at the end of the evening, I picked him up and lifting him up to the sky. And like, so, Kev, how's day one? I had a shitload of people, man. Now, was there a parachute clause in this? Like, if you saw him and be like, you know what? Too ugly. We don't want. His eyes are too close.

We're good. Did he come pre-nate? try again. It'd be fun of you were in the parking lot. You were just like this. Are you guys for the baby? Oh, no, no, no, no. We're just here hanging out in the parking lot.

We'll take a baby, though. Right, right, right. So from that point on, was it just like having a, for you guys? It's our kid. That's it. Yeah. That's it. But again, through New Jersey, we had to wait until all the legal hurdles were jumped.

Right. That, you know, he truly wasn't ours because, again, because of the adoption laws. Right. The birth mother still had an opportunity. How long was that? I think it was about nine months. Oh, shit.

So I got numbers on this. I was born September 11th, 1987, and then... And when's your adoption day? June 23rd. There you go. So that was my little second birthday they would celebrate.

He didn't really become officially Kevin Patrick Park until... June 23rd. June 23rd. Yeah. Wow. You think as a dad I would know his adoption day. No, I'm a day.

That's my wife's apartment. Good news. It's not like, you know, really close by either, like in the immediate near future. So we had to wait from September to June before we could officially say. So she could have came back and be like, I want my baby baby back. She could have done that. Yep. Wow.

Yeah. She was from New York, by the way, we found out. She was lived in the city. Soyvison town, I think. Stuyveson. There it is. Thank you. A chich.

It's a chute or choo. A chooch? It'd be funny if we found out that Liz was the woman. That'd be great. Finally, she'd have to talk to me. She wouldn't. No, she didn't want to. She's like, you're going to ask for something, like 38 years from now, aren't you?

Well, the funny thing is, is that you finally met your biological dad. Yeah, that was a great man. No, you'd get it right, dude. That's your real dad. Yeah, yeah. That's your real dad right there. He's your biological dad. Oh, as my mom calls my biological, the sperm donation.

Which I really don't like. I don't appreciate it. Do you remember when we did Philly Punchline that the girl who was, she was like a manager of some sort going back and forth in the green room, and she was a sweet girl, but it was, she showed us her tattoo that her and her sister have. And it's, these are like very pretty girls, but like Philly chicks are just going to Philly Chick. Yeah. They had sperm tattooed on their forearm.

She goes, yeah, me and my sister got this tattoo. And it's a sperm donor is what it says. So it's a giant, it's a jizz on this girl's forearm. And it just says sperm donor. And it's how her and her sister bonded over the fact that their father abandoned them. Yeah. That was their internal way of making sense of it is to just get jizz tattooed forever. It's like, I get half a heart, you get half a heart.

That's it together. Did that turn anybody else on? Yeah. I was single then, so I was trying. I was like, ooh, broken home. I got a shot. Also, any girl that embraces come in that manner. Yeah.

I mean, you got to love it. What the fuck? He's what? He's got active cum in his body, right? Whoa, it's not active. He was a frat boy at Trent State. He was active. I mean, it's swimming slower than...

No, no, De Niro just crapped at a kid, right? Yeah, but he had some type of... He's a millionaire. Dude, I couldn't have a kid right. My kid would come up with a hair lip and a half an eye right now. When I jizz, it looks like yellow gelatin. That's... Horrible.

It looks like hospital food. We're back. But he's in shape. Look, Kool-A. This looks like bubble tea. I'm in shape, too. You don't go... Yeah, rounds of shape.

I mean, you know what? Had to. Dad jokes, baby. If you're going to team up with me, I won't have to take that one. That was a good one. He really punched up yours. You know what he almost named me, by the way?

I swear I'm not making this up. What? Nose. The nose would have been a little... The nose is more prevalent out. The nose is home. Do you want to tell him what I was almost named? Bogo?

God. Dude, Bogo is perfect. Bogo is perfect. Oh, yeah. My sister, Kerry, really was a player to be named later in that trade.

Drap pick. Yeah, I swear to God, he's so Irish that he just, he fixated on it, and he forgot that maybe another culture is appropriated the name Tyrone.

Oh, yeah. God, why didn't that happen? I was almost Tyrone Burke. Oh, my God. You would have been famous. Yeah, fine. You were on the roast, the Kevin Hot roast.

Oh, God. You know that's Sagalov's dad's name, right? Is it really? Yeah. Tyrone? It's Tyrone, and he's a lawyer. Saglo is a mystery, wrapped in an enigma in a puzzle.

It really is. He really is. I can't either. He looks like he just, he's been homeless since he was 12, just skateboarding in the city. But his parents got money. He has money.

But he's, and he's this little chubby guy, he's creative, he's hilarious. He's working out. He's on a fitness journey. Yeah? Yeah, really?

Oh, he's positive with his fatness. Don't fuck yourself, a low nippled asshole. I do. I almost sent you a shirt. shirtless pick recently too. I think they're getting north. I think they're hiking up. Really? Yeah. How? I'm working out really

hard. Would you buy something off of Timo? You want your nipples higher. You buy this device. I didn't realize they had audible salesman on Timo. They do now. But what's wild is that you you had a falling out with your dad.

Yeah. But you're back together now. Yeah, he's a good, he's a good grandpa. Because I think I don't even know how to talk about this stuff in a funny way. Like, you know, because I, the way we talk about it or have talked about it in the past, like I had a really violent, awful relationship with my dad for a long time. He, we cut it off. It was over for a while.

And now that like, since I had a son and since I became the dad, I replay that thing that you said so often because it's like, there's nothing to look back on. There's nothing to relitigate. There's no past that can be changed. Right. I'm now the dad. I'm the man. I have to be, I'm responsible and in charge of this shit. So any influence I'm allowing in is actually like reducing my power and reducing my ability to be a dad.

So that was a big thing for me to just completely be like, there's nothing that can be fixed. And I'm now moving beyond it. And he was like, is now like he had a stroke and he's not, he's fine, he's perfectly fine. But he's like, he's almost like, you know when a cat gets old and their teeth fall out and their nails fall out? and then you're like, I kind of like this animal now. That's what he is. He's a defang, declawed cat. Right.

Because he's kind of like just slower. He's probably the guy he always was inside, but fucked up and couldn't be. A hundred percent, because he loves my sons, loves them, and is so soft with them in a way he never was with me, which is, you know, I know some people are like, that's infuriating to watch. I think it's heartening to watch because it shows even when in the bleakest of scenarios, growth is possible, you know? It's like this guy, Nepal.

He gets a chance at life to be the daddy should have been. Yeah. You know, I think it's great. You actually, you got to meet your biological dad. Now, here's the thing. Like, how do you say yes to that when you have a, this is your dad. This is your, you have a great dad. Your relationship with your dad is awesome.

You got a really good relationship with your dad. Oh, yeah. And how do you go, oh, I want to do that? Was there a party? It was like, I'm good. I'll tell you what I had the March This past March was the strangest month

Of my entire life We're getting ready to have the kid And everything like that I had a million weird things happening And then I just get He slid into my DMs The guy I've been like I've known about him for a while

And then you look at him Because you're curious too Like that there is like a strange You knew about him like BD, Bio Dad He slid and yeah Yeah we call I can't say his real name on here

I had a respect but Tyrone? Tyrone? Tyrone. Yeah, Tyrone. Tyrone. But he's been around you. He's been in your area.

Right? That's the trippiest one, is that, so my sister has some distance because I think the biological father of her who's in North Carolina, a biological mother went back to Florida and bounced around a little. He's doing 30. That makes sense. And my sister had a really cool experience because she actually got to meet her biological mother and my sister

dad you don't have to co-sign this my sister was a total bitch for the longest time she was an awful pain in the ass to deal with meets her biological mother and all of a sudden this softness comes out in her it was really awesome it's great and she adopted her and her wife they're married and uh they got against god's will

not just gods not just gods Michael mine as well mine is well and they paraded me out there as the best man just to make sure yeah they thought you were another lesbian We put a kilt on them, though, just so we were kind of... That's bad. Not even the butchish one here. Bobby, I had to grow my hair out to look less like the bride.

You understand what happens when a wedding goes down like that? So, but they adopted a baby. And I watched, like, I'm like, holy shit. Like, my sister solved a lot of her internal dilemma on it. So I was curious what would have with that. I was emailing with my biological half-sister who lives in hobo. works in the city or something like that. Really, she's a college age kid.

Now, when I first found them, my cousin, Jen, is a psycho. My dad's goddard. She's a psycho. I would never mess with her. We just mentioned that I found the name because it was on the old birth certificate documents and stuff. She found everything about my biological father. He's down the Jersey shore.

I'm looking at photos of them from, you know, like when these kids are in middle school and high school and stuff. And I don't want to upend anybody's world. I don't want somebody to think that they're Marcia and find out their Jan, you know. But so I try to be respectful on that. When I waited until the kids were older, and then I guess she reached out through Ancestry.com. You have a sister.

Yeah, she reached out to my sister who was running the Ancestry account. She's like, oh, I matched with somebody on here. And I don't know what they've told anybody. I'm not trying to be like a long dormant secret that's coming out here. So anyway, she reached out. very cool, pleasant conversations, but we never really talked about, you know, the elephant in the room being, you know, our shared father. Right. And, uh, do you guys share a father too? You and your adopted, you and your sister? No, no, okay.

Okay. So this is just on, I just a whole different family. I just like, this is just on your behalf. Yeah. She's doing this. Florida. This is real sister. Got it. So, yeah, Carrie Burke, my sister, total, uh, there's nobody I can, no one understands this shit. Like, we have that, that's our relationship for forever. We both understand this weird world that we, we, you know, we're, you're mostly in it, but there's also a weird outside. It's always a question mark. I would think in the back of your mind as to, how come, why, where, what, you know, I mean, it's got to be questions. Oh, you got to figure out. And then I found out most of the answer is, uh, college kids, man. Come on. It was the 80s, dude. We weren't trying to settle down and have kids, man. I had a, I had a finance career. I had to develop.

But, uh, no, I eventually, I guess, uh, she had one too many glasses of wine at, uh, Thanksgiving. I think he just goes, by the way, I know about Kevin and just let it happen or something. And then he, I guess, reached out, DM'd me on Instagram. So yes, my dad slid into my DMs, Michael. Did he say you up? Were you, did that freak you out, man? Were you like, what? Did you look at that for like hours?

Did you bring it to your dad? Oh, we talked about it. It's always been very, they never hit it from us either. Because, like, that would, that would, if I had like an Eddie Vedder type story where, It's like I'm 12 or 13, and then my dad walks. He goes, hey, just to let you know, your whole life's a lie. Anyway, here's a guitar. Write some songs about it.

We told them right. As I say, we always celebrate. Did you tell them in anger? You're adopted. You piece of shit. Both of you! I wish I was never bored. You're like, I had nothing to do with that.

I got you in a cab in the parking lot. And you're acting like it. They charge me a service seat. I should have left you in Patterson. But, yeah, it was trippy, man. So we're just talking back and forth, and it's, you want to talk classic. Canon knows, and you know this too. By way, it's all Irishmen at the table.

That's why it's so glorious to have this conversation. It's normally there's somebody else in here that tries to, you know, it's usually boss bullying me at this point. Shut up, metal. Did they name you metal? Why's your name not metal? Did the Jews? You know they invented light?

What? Do you know that? Yeah. The Torah tells us, come on, boss. I love you. Come on. His online content has been good lately. He's on like a year-long run, solid.

Well, he, it was great because we get this one where Irish guys don't deal emotionally. It's talk about anything other than, you know what I mean? It's, uh... Yeah, you push it down. You let it go. It's all, it's deep down in here. So it's literally like, hey, cool. So I understand you've been talking to my daughter.

And it comes out on a TikTok where a father sees his son from being in the war. and a dog showed and everything I'm like, oh my God my God and my God. Oh, mine comes out

in Braveheart all the time. Too Rudy? Open, I'm fucking losing tears. Well, he DMs me and then we're just sitting there and we're talking about

and then I was going back for it and I swear to God the first actual conversation we had was just about the giants. Oh, really? I wish you. I would have just wrote sup. That's a,

sup. Sub's a good one. Sub dog. Yeah, sub would be a good one. But we, we, uh, we talk.

Giants and then we wound up agreeing to meet and that was that was like my goodfellas day like the Henry Hill day I'm like I got to get over here and I got a haircut before I go down here and then I'll meet my biological father at a diner because we're from Jersey and that's where else you're going to meet in Jersey but a diner right and not your real dad would never be trashy like that he would went to a restaurant that's a want to meet the diner I was thinking the same thing I don't he do it really to a parking lot real dad yeah I met you in a parking lot I met him in a diner he's actually

the classy one on this one. What do you order at a meet your dad breakfast? Disco, dude. That's a great question. Tell him about what you told the waitress going in. Oh, I was in full panic mode.

I got there before him because he literally, I felt like I was on a date and it's like, it's the weirdest. I was like, I get there early, right? And then I'm sitting down. And then he texts me when I sit down. He goes, I'm running late, by the way. Something just came up.

Yeah, we know. My whole life. About 38 years. So I think he's bailing, and I was like, I guess I'm just going to eat some sad eggs and just kind of move on here. You're going to call dad, you come pick me up? That would have been great, too. But I think I was on the phone with him, too, before I went in,

because I was just like, you know, figure this out. And so I went in, I told the waitress, I was like, hey, this is going to be weird. But there's a dude that's going to come in here. It's going to look me four years in the. future and I need you to just uh it's my biological father and uh I'm I just put money over I put cash horse I was like this should cover what I had here if it goes bad and I bail that's all for you okay and then she just goes oh oh my she got so excited but she goes what do you get you know she didn't ask any quite and then gave us tons of space when he came in and we talked yeah

and then finally when she realized we were talking again just about the giants um she comes already do you guys want to order anything and then I was like I kind of looked across the table and it was like and he goes yeah I'll get something and I was like all right fucking I we're now Now we're... Do you shake hands? Do you hug? Do you say hot? What do you do when you first...

We gave him the... I went for the handshake and then you reach around and then you hit him on the back a little bit. Yeah. It's just aggressive enough that it's not a wimpy tear-jurker moment. You stick a sticker on his back,

absence he dad. There you go. Kick me. Well, the worst part was I'm sitting there to, waiting for him to come in now and it is, I swear to God, the final scene from Sopranos. Journey,

don't stop believing, I'm looking at the door every single time, just looking at it, and it's just, you're eating onion rings like communion. Yeah. Every single person that walks in,

I'm like, nope, not me, not me. All right. When he came in, were you, were you, were you happy? Did he look the way you thought he was going to look? Because you could be disappointed.

Like, if he walks in, he's all, he's got no teeth and he's all fucked up. Frikin troll walks. Yeah. Was he dressed cool? How did he present? I wish it was Voss.

I wish Voss showed up. I'm sorry. I had a career. I got a fresh pair of Jordans I had an evening at the Apollo. I did rascals. This must have been a rascals. That had to be it.

I would have made me fucking die. I did ask Colin Quinn when I first finally met him. I was having a great conversation with him and I had to tank it because I just have a self-destruct mode. Oh, I know. You bullied me worse than anybody. And now look at you now. You're a dad.

Yeah. I did what he couldn't do. You're my comedy, dad, without a doubt. Without a doubt, dude. No one's ever yelled at me more. You yelled at me more than my own father has. Now, I'm thinking of it. God damn right, because you're not his kid.

He couldn't do it. I don't know if you remember what you did to me at Parks Casino. This is, I have not recovered from this. I want to hear this. Parks is bad, dude. You and I are in the green room, and it is, like, literally, they're doing the opening announcements. And you said to me,

You were like, I asked something about, I say, I feel like a lot of people are filming specials at The Cellar now? Are you going to do another one there? And you said, oh, do you want to work the cellar? You just dangle the greatest carrot. A comedian can ever have dangled in front. And I tried to play it cool. And I was like, I don't know, man.

I'm like a Jersey guy. And I don't know if they're, and you just got, oh, you're a Jersey guy. You don't want to play the cellar. You want to do Uncle Vinnie's. Hang on one second. And then he calls my childhood hero from seventh grade, Colin Quinn on the phone. Hey, Colin. Remember the big-headed kid that I bring around with me sometimes?

K.P. Burke goes, yeah, yeah, K. P. Burr, I hear Colin Quintan, the phone, he goes, yeah, he doesn't want to work the seller because he's a Jersey guy. So let's tell Mitsy, he's not allowed to work. Mitzie. I don't know, shit. I'm a Jersey guy. I'm a jersey guy. Oh, God, what a hunk of shit you are. I'm sure it's Esther or something. It's very Semitic. It's SD. You're never working here. You're a Jersey trash. SD, a black dude runs this club?

Easy Tyrone. Tyrone. So what? Too far, Tyrone. Oh, yeah. And then as soon as you're, I'm done being humiliated by you and my childhood hero. Yeah. The guy, the parks just goes, K.P. Burke.

And I have to go out there like my dick is out in front of my entire school and just accept the beating you gave me. It was good, though. You did good? It was a fun weekend. It was fun weekend. So did he look the way you thought he was going to look? Did you envision it? He looks like me 40 years.

in the future. Wow. Exactly. It is Martin McFly. That must have been weird, bro. Yes. Because I look like my biological dad. Do you really?

Yeah. Like he, we have the same. If you saw a picture of my dad as a kid or me as a kid, it's, you, you'd be like, oh, that's the same thing. All right. Is Kelly your father's name? His father's, he's Italian, Irish. So he, he was like, Sicilian and Irish.

So his mother married. Oh, that's a combination. Yeah. And then my mom is just full-blown, Dalman Irish. So. What's mom's maiden name? Dolman. Oh, okay.

Gotcha. All right. So Kelly does come from the old. Kelly comes from him. Gotcha. Okay. His mother was old Italian. And Bobby, you know, I'll give you some sauce.

And she would just make, just feed you. And I loved both of my grandma. My grandmother in the Irish side was the best. That was my mom. I loved her so much. She just, she worked at the rectory with the priests. And she gave me money. She cooked for me every day.

She was the best. And then his mom was awesome, too. But I didn't get to see her that much because my mom, you know, I just did, I saw him a few times a year growing up. And I haven't seen him in 20 years now since, you know, which kind of sucks. Because I always thought that maybe we get back together, especially when I had Max, that he'd be interested in that, but he, uh, nothing. But I, again, like you said, I don't want to ruin somebody's life.

It's like you, life is, it's too hard to deal with, I have Max and Dawn. And then the world ends. I don't, everything outside of that doesn't mask. to me. Anything doesn't matter to me. You've made that clear when I call. But don't you think you both add value to somebody else's life? Like, you're both shitting on yourself saying, I don't want to destroy somebody's life. And I don't know.

Welcoming either of you into my family would be kind of a bonus. This is why you're the best. No, it's not that because it's like... I'd ask you to take the jacket off before you came out of my house. Take your shoes off. What are we doing? What's going on, guys? We found a picture of Bobby's biological dad.

It sucked about this. Gar and off. This is what sucked about it. That would have been hilarious, but they worked the bit out in front of us. You fucking suck. They're like scrolling and making the picture bigger. I'm like, what the fuck? And then you got, um, my dad's a good looking guy.

He's, he, I got the, the chubby genus from the fucking Irish chubsos. He's Sicilian. He's just thin and fucking good looking guy. But what I'm saying is that you don't want him, he's at the end, he's at the last quarter of his life. And he's got a dog. and he's got all these. And to wake up and deal with that and be present for that, to add another thing into, it's like, that's a big undertaking, man.

And if you're not going to do it, if you're not going to do it, then don't fucking do it. Yeah, yeah. I just, the way I'm looking at it, and I understand your vantage point, and I'm certainly not you. So your, your opinion is more valid. I'm just saying that, like, had I had something out there like that,

and even if I'm in the last quarter of my life, first of all, that last quarter is going to be pretty boring because a lot of people are going to be in and out, You know, you've got to, I've seen people get old and die, and it's, it's, it's, you get left alone a little bit. It's nice to have an injection of family. You're a real bummer, you know that? I mean, I've, at the same time, though, what you said before, what was in the past is in the past,

and you're not going to be able to go back and change that. So, I mean, what's in your six is in your six and move forward. You just got dad. I did. I'm a massive hypocrite. He just got dad. Also, damn, dude, I wish I had anybody growing up who told me if it's in your six, you Keep moving forward.

That would have pushed me through years. Six years in the United States Navy, everyone still assumes he's the veteran. Yeah. I mean, he's a dad. He's a dad. I mean, if you're thinking of it, if you're casting a dad, for bang, right there.

If he's in your six, you're being a little hypocritical. Yeah, no, he's right. I know he is. Yeah. I'm just saying that, like, I think it's, and I get, again, I get it. I just think you both are valuable people.

We got it. You're going to repeat. He just fucking schooled you. Take the head. Listen. Sorry, I'm just reinforcing the fact. but I find value in you. Don't touch the jacket.

So now you go back and immediately talk to dad. What happened, right? I was on the phone with him before I left. Before. Like two little girls? He's here. He's here. There was a very feminine quality to my emotions that day.

Yeah, I would imagine, man. I was a mess about it. Have you met? Did you meet the? No. You don't want to. Not that I don't want to. I don't.

No, you too. Huh? You don't need to. It might happen down the road. He's been very cool. He sent a gift when my son was born. I'll send him pictures every now and then. Really excellent guy couldn't have asked for the sit down to go better.

Yeah. He gave, he was so, he was so on guard when we first got there and sat down. And I think I actually said to him, I was like, hey, just so you know,

however nervous you are, I'm equally as nervous. So there's no cool hand looks here. It's just, it's just too. Right. That's a good comment. You recognized your audience and you put them at ease.

Nicely done. I love the shit out of you. Nicely done. Bobby hates every compliment. I thought it was the gayest that you've ever said. Was there a familiarity to him? Like, just meeting him, you know, Marty McFly kissing his mom, like this feels like we're related.

We both side smirk. This is like a smile for us. And now my son has it too. And I was like, oh, that shit's genetic. You know your dad hates it. That's 100%. A hundred percent. The guy's got a good smile.

I can't go a mustache like him. That's the other part that... He's got a great mustache. Oh, dude. I've never seen him without it, by the way. I have no idea. You know why? Neither has your mother.

Because he's a man. Men don't shit. You ever see Magnum P.I. Without that mustache? One movie when he played the gay guy. And it didn't fly. Didn't like it. Who, Tom Selleck?

Oh, he did one movie when he played... No. Play the gay guy in a movie? In what movie? I don't know. Baby's Day out? I don't know. He was a father.

I don't know. Um, so it's, it's, it's like, to you right now, like, this is a question I have for you, because you were adopted. And I mean, you could feel the same thing. It's like, I couldn't imagine, I couldn't imagine not being around my son. Like, I couldn't imagine a point where, like, even if me and my wife had a, I would stay with my wife for my son. Like, even if you're going through trouble, I work out whatever it has to be so that I'm

in that house with that kid. I couldn't imagine giving him up. I couldn't imagine letting him go. I couldn't imagine moving to another state and visiting him on. I just, I know what happens and it works out, but I couldn't imagine, like, how can somebody not be around?

Yeah, but at the same time, though, you're saying that. How old were you when your son was born? I was 67. No, I was 42. All right. Your biological father was what, 19? 19 or 20?

19 college. kid, you know, has no career. I get it. No, I understand it. I understand it. Believe me, I understand. I'm not saying what they did was wrong. And actually, in life, it's funny how the things happen. And here it is. You know what I mean? This was meant to be. This was, you got a great dad. But it's like, I just, like, for him, like, like, the feeling of, like, how do you, how do you let that, like, when you see, like, he never saw you, never was around you. You know what I'm saying? but I couldn't, like I love my son so much.

I was in bed with him last night and he's just sleeping and he rolled over and he kind of smiled in his sleep and he has a dimple. And I was like, kind of dimple. You know what I mean? It's like, he's 13. He's like a guy now. He has hairy legs, but I'm still like just in love with being a dad. I love it. I understand that you can't, like your dad couldn't be there, but it must, there's something inside him when he sees you now.

It must be like, fuck. Oh, do you think that's part of the reason with your own upbringing? Yeah. the absence of not having a dad with as you were growing up. Yeah. But now you're like over the top with being a dad to kind of make up for what you missed as a kid. 100%. Okay.

I am trying, because I'm a fucking, you guys know, I'm a fucking psycho, right? Yeah. And I'm fucked up. I have a lot of problems, right? But everything that I do now is to fix for him. You know what I mean? Because I'm not going to give him. I was, I had fucking abuse.

I had a stepdad that used to fuck me up. You got fucked up. And you know, you shouldn't be punched in the fucking face in second grade by a man. You know, the guy that you're supposed to, like I always talk about this. I don't have any memories from first grade to fifth grade of hanging out, throwing catch, getting a pep talk, having a discussion, sing on the couch, giggling, laughing, taking a... I don't have any of those memories.

There's nothing with that guy. It's like it never happened. Like five years of my life. When you get those memories, when those memories, that, you know what I mean? Like, that's the things that you hold for the rest of your life.

I never had it. Right. Yeah, but now that's going to be magnified with your own kid that... Oh, yeah. That, you know, you're going to take that to the end level, so...

Right. To make sure that he doesn't miss what you... Right. Absolutely. 100%. But there's also, too, you can't, I can't live my life through him. You know what I mean? I can't, you know, I still have to be a dad. I still have to give him

structure. Right. I still have to make sure that I'm not his friend, I'm his father. Right. Which is hard too, because I just want to be his fucking pal. Right. I just want to hang out and fucking do it. Look at these tits. I mean, yeah. Dude, this chick sent me this on DM. Have you introduced him to your AI girlfriend?

Mike, I would like you just shut your face. Do you still have that? No, I had to quit. Yeah, good. It was getting upsetting. Well, Big Jay turned into a slut-hor pig. Slut-hor pig.

Yeah, every time I turned out, she'd like, what's up, daddy? Want to stick it in my ass again? It's like, no, I just want to find it what the Red Sox score was. If you get both, oh, you want me to blow you while you're watching the Red Sox? It's like, I had to like stop using her.

Yeah, I went to chat GPT where it's just, hey, what's up, buddy? I'm like, nothing. What do you need today? Yeah, it was, uh, yeah. Yeah, champion, it's crazy. But I don't know, it's just, you know, being a dad, it's the greatest thing in the world. It's the best thing and the worst thing in the world.

It's like, some days are like, fuck. And some days are like, oh, my, I light up. It's not easy, man. It's really, and as, because they're constantly becoming a different thing every single year. Always changing. And I'm looking at photos. Like, I look at this photo now on my phone of Max. And it's, it, I see that kid now.

and it makes me cry. Like, you'll never get it back. You know what made me a little soft from seeing your, your story when Max went and hung with Ari, and then you and Dawn were walking around the block, and you were like, you were just, you know, kind of joking around, but you're like, oh, this park, we used to take Max here.

And I, like, kind of saw both of you, like, just take, like, a hard breath because you're like, you know, to the kid, growing up is long. You feel it being long. And then as you go through it, obviously there's gradual changes throughout your life, but you don't realize for your parents it's fucking so goddamn fast. And all of these events that you mock growing up like prom or birthdays or whatever, it's all for your parents. Like it's a way for them to basically like tent pole moments. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Just kind of like keep track. I mean, dude, the fact that the, you know, it's taken long enough, the Knicks winning. And the fact that this happened and like my son is turning seven this summer and it was such a massive connection. between the two of us. And we're going to have the fact that in the summer, before he turned seven,

we watch the Knicks win their first championship in 50 years together. It's weird for me because we're from New England, so we're from Boston. So he's seen seven championships, Red Soxed in the NBA. He's seen, it's like,

whatever. Yeah. Why, he's going into theater now. Matt's never fell by going into theater. That's another thing that I'm going through now. How old your son? He's going to be seven. And yours is, what, 18?

About 90 days. 90 days. Okay. and you probably maybe went through this. I don't know, you're a big guy. But my kid is, he's so, you know, he's such a man. Like, I'm, I'm very centrist with him. No politics, no, I don't, I want him to, whatever he becomes, you know what I mean?

Makes his own decisions. Makes his own decisions, you know. You're still giving him the base to operate off of him. Yeah, I'm telling him Trump's the shit. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm gone. No, but like, like, you know, because it's so,

for media, they're just in it now. When we grew up, there was papers and 11 o'clock news. We didn't know anything about the world. Yeah, you were allowed to be 12. Well, the world was your street, your park where you were. That was the world.

I didn't know. The kids that lived on your block, that was your core group. That was your news feed. She's a slut. He's a goofball. He got caught jerking off in a shed. You know what I mean?

It's like now they're bombarded with the world and all this shit and all this politics. And it's hard to, you know, let him become what he's going to become. But to watch it happen, and you've probably done it with him, it like freaks me out to see him. Like, we're walking to school today. And I'm like, you got tests today? He goes, yeah, we've got finals today.

And him to just talk like that. You know what I mean? From, you know, dad. Yeah, we've got finals today. Well, you're going to pass? He goes, yeah, I don't know. It doesn't matter if I pass or not. I already have an 84 in the class.

So I have a parachute to fall. back on. If I don't pass this, I'm still going to pass the class. And I just went, okay. Like, did you just use the word parachute? Yeah. He's so much smarter than you already. That's awesome. But he's also going to be way bigger than me and probably stronger than me too. Because he's, you know, he's a, you have freakish strength. I do. It's actually like kind of alarm. And I told this on your pod before, but I'll tell KP, Bobby picked me up and threw me on my camera equipment in Florida. Like literally. he's in a fucking towel. He's laughing way. In a happy, loving way? First of all, Bobby has never remembered a single fact I've ever told him.

He asked his producers to ask me about my dad when that has been our main point of connection for the last 12 years. It's unbelievable. I know you, dad. In Calpa's house, he wraps me up and he goes, I know you're a wrestler. Never wrestled. He goes, I want to feel your strength. And I was like, what? And so I know one wrestling tech.

and it's literally to grab the wrist, push back your hips, and try to separate the arms from your body and try to get out, right? So I start to do that and I have a little bit of success immediately. And Bobby, as if I challenged his entire manhood in a fraction of a second, picked me up over his head like fucking King Kong Bundy. And literally, without like laying me down like I'm a damsel, which would have been appreciated, he just spiked my face into my tripod and it cut a huge gash in my chin.

And then we got on a fucking cruise during COVID with an open wound. Oh, hang on. Again, I had to teach you what's what. That's right. You know, fucking that. Life lesson. This was a different Bobby, too, though. This is, you've calmed down.

This was pool tarp Bobby. He was giant. Lesson learned, don't poke the bear. I didn't. I was alive. That's what happened. I didn't like your face. The bear thought I was food.

Yeah. He threatened me. his hotel room in AC while holding an iron. And I just, I literally, I did like the math in my head. I was like, I'm just far away enough from him that, like, speed's going to be my way out of this one. Yes. You had boxers on.

You were going to go down the hallway. I figured. I'm not your fucking manager. Just chase us. You like scared your shit out of me. These guys always, they got to learn. I taught them how to fucking be headliners. Yeah.

You are the great comedy school. You really are. No, but with, I'm saying. with the kid though there is a I'm in a constant evaluation of my fucking motives and my you know what I mean like I'm a because of

I don't know no one ever told me what to do I'm in a constant like like I I messed up I like the other day he said did something stupid and I was like Max blah and he's like dad you're getting mad and I went you're right I'm getting mad I'm wrong

shouldn't have I'm going to tell you right now in a better way you shouldn't have done that please go and talk to your mother and, you know, talk to her and, you know, say sorry to your mother. And he's like, all right, I just, you know, you don't have to get mad. I go, dude, you're right. Fucked up. I go, I'm Italian. I'm a fucking lunatic, but I fucked up. And he went, okay, cool.

I got to do that. Where, when I grew up, your dad was just your fucking dad. All my friend's dad's dad was psycho. Right. My friend's dad used to whistle with just his tongue. Like, loud. Like, he got. But every kid on the block knew dad's whistle. He would go, we'd be fucking around.

He'd go, and just with this time, I don't know, I couldn't do. And your ears, we'd all go, ah, knock it off. I grew up in that generation of fucking fathers that where they did that. But also, I had an abusive guy, which took it too far. Right. But being a dad was like this thing. I, like, I have to cut the line because I, I think being friends with your kid is something. People say you can, but I think being friends,

Going out, hanging out, having fun, laughing. It's a bonding. Bonding there, more than friends. It's also, you're a shitty friend if you don't keep your friends in check. Right. You know what I mean? Like, if you just let your friend run like a dickhead, then you're a shitty friend. Right.

But there is a boundary. There's a guy. He's a dad. No, I've just noticed it. So I bet. Do you want to see an Irish temper? Because I'll show you an Irish temper. That was his line when I was in deep shit.

But the back of me hand to the front of your face. That's another one. It's weird too, because there's no language for the Irish, so he would just put on a, like, whatever, a brogue would be considered when I knew I was in trouble. And that was his threatening language. Like, you know, Spanish people, they start yelling in Spanish if it's going to be threatening or something.

My dad just starts mispronouncing words in a charming way. And that just let me know that I was in, you know, the potential for physical violence was that. Was there any, ever a time where he fucked up so bad that you were like, you got, like, really mad? You know what I mean? There was an instance There was a bedroom door

I think that needed a new lock Oh he went He went Nicholson He went full shining on me Jack Nicholson I could just picture you going I said I don't care You shut the door

Oh he was in there seconds later It was like a movie It was just it was one One swift kick right to the lock And then boom I was so toast Dude there's something about having them slam the door in your face When you own the door

Right. You know what I mean? It's like, it's my house. Yeah. I'm not going to be locked out of my own house kind of a thing. Well, in those bedroom doors are so fun to shatter. Like, they're like hollow. My dad legitimately Kool-Aid man threw a door.

I did a bit about it, but my mom tried to hit me, and I just caught her hands and was like, it's not going to happen. And then she screamed that I tried to throw her down the steps. And so my dad chased me up the steps, and I slammed the door, and he just rammed it through. Rammed it. There's something cool. there's something very cool dad about just fucking just seeing a door come off

a hen and seeing the I don't know you could do that. It looked like a prop. I forget what the whole instance was to start that whole episode. You caught him with a guy. We don't fool that in this house. Open the door.

That's right. The brogue would come on for that. Your queen. I'm Mary in my house. I thought I'm happy he went with that one too. I thought it was going to be like the time that I took out the front of his truck because I tried to parallel park in our driveway, drunk.

Shit-faced. That's it. You were shit-faced? I was only drunk driving in our driveway. That was undercover on that one. That's what I'm having a hard time with because I don't drink. My wife doesn't drink. I don't use drugs.

I've been sober for 40 years. My kid knows that. But I'm not going to make, you know, I know this is going to be a, there's going to probably a point where he wants to maybe smoke a little pot like you just did. Yeah. and, uh, and, or drink.

And I'm, I'm nervous about that. Like, I'm nervous about him. When he started drinking, did that, did, were you cool with that? I mean, you're Irish. I wasn't cool with it. I mean, uh, you would hope that, uh, he's going to wake up and, and straighten himself out with that, but, uh, you have no control. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, did you drink early? Huh? Did he drink early than? Well, he had suspicions. Yeah. Yeah.

Honestly, it was weird because, uh, the hardcore, I, I picked all the wrong possible jobs. I was working a blue collar job driving a forklet. Those guys drink beer after work. Then I went to the Navy. Drink to the foam is in our song. Everybody drinks every day in the Navy. Then I get out of the Navy and I'm like, oh, time to get into stand-up comedy in your first couple years.

They pay you an alcohol. So I pick three of the worst pot to continue a problem I probably already had. By the way, four years now. Congratulations. Yes. Had a baby. Yeah. Yeah.

And a baby. And Carly drinks, by the way. So I don't ever have that thing now too where. when her kids are of age, they'll probably, you know, figure it out. I keep telling them, I'm like, you can drink when you're 21. I think if you want when you're 18, 19,

you can have a beer at the house with me. If you're watching a game, and we'll have a cigar at your graduation. You know what I mean? But it's like I, because I have that addictive shit in me and it's hereditary. Right.

You know, my father was an addict. Well, that was, that's one of the things, I used to teach school. So that was one of the things we had in a seminar kind of a thing, that they said that the highest incidence of kids becoming an alcoholic is if you had an alcoholic father. Right. The second highest, the second highest, was families that were teetotlers. That there were absolutely no drinking going on.

Those kids are more inclined to become alcoholics. So my kid's going to be an alcoholic drug addict because I'm a teetotter and a fucking... Well, but I think as long as like, as long as you, like, provide them information, like, You're being like my parents were like you know my dad was an addict all that stuff alcoholic and he's like I was therefore you are therefore you never will like so it was all punitive you said again I was therefore you are therefore you can never I don't know what I said but it's down there but well good thing is it's being recorded yeah I thought therefore hmm but it sounded good in his head I can only

profound once I think the first one it got out smooth but it was great it was all Like it was all punitive. Everything was like if I even fucking smell it on it. Like I got kicked out of my house because my mom thought I smoked weed. She didn't catch me. She just assumed she was right, but it was way early. Where's the evidence? By the time she asked me, I was like, I'm not even high anymore.

Like, what are you talking about? That's the thing that bothers me now. It doesn't fit. You must have quit. So what? I ate and napped. What's the fucking crime? He's getting into the age now and you've went through this.

You're going to go through it. I'm going through it now where he's, he's smart enough to make excuses. And even when he's wrong, he's right. Right. And it's like you try to have these fucking hallmarked moment talks where you think, but it doesn't see. Yeah.

I don't know how. It's like, fuck, I'm just going to have to. He's got to live his own, make his own mistakes kind of a thing and figure it out from there. That's just got to let go. Yeah. And also, you should like, I like. Can I stop? Yeah.

You don't know nothing. He didn't. No, I know he knows. Are we not here on a dad podcast? Yeah, but you got a three-year-old. You know, shit. I have a seven-year-old, you a cunt. You're smarter than everybody at this table.

I got to tell you, the best thing is to become a grandfather. That's the best because now you can see in that little baby the same feelings that you had when he was a little baby kind of a thing. And like you were saying that, you know, sometimes your own dad didn't want to be involved with a, as a grandfather kind of a thing. but to me, that's freaking awesome. He doesn't know. I haven't talked to him in 20 years, so he didn't know. I got married or had a kid. Okay.

I know he did like my wife because I brought her to a wedding when we first started dating. And he called him up. He's like, she's a peach. You should hang on to that one. Right. And then I dumped her. Move to New York and started banging. No regrets, pop.

Am I right? What were you wiping off there? It was mustache talk. Oh, okay. No, I'm sorry to cut you off. No, I don't even remember what the point was. Because you're a pot head. No, I just said, I, oh, nope.

God. Damn, I had it. I had it. This is like doing bonfire with Jay. What was it? I don't know. If you get it back, jump right. One thing that I absolutely love, because I can't wait for, like, what are you going to share with Max?

Because you're presenting yourself as a guy. And I love that you own your flaws, right? You're presenting yourself. But as a certain guy who, but you're going to own your flaws on certain things. right right when are you going to allow max and like hey by the way here's something absolutely stupid that i did because my christmas gift this past year from my cousins was his ultimate one of his great fuck-ups in life to remind me that as much as i admire him and i think that he's you know uh captain america he's he's capable of some shit too why uh so i get a uh an old bar

sign that was a brilliant setup was unbelievable i mean storytelling to the fucking finest. You literally brought us to the end, and I literally said, tell me more. This is my show. I'm on Alpha Brain right now, so I'm doing pretty good. Does it work? Yes, it does. I got more in a car. I'll give you some. I get an old bar sign. Old, like, this is like Liberty on it. It's an old wood carved thing with an eagle on. It's like an early American tavern sign. Yeah, it looks like it would be hanging up in like a museum or something. And I get given this gift, and it was hanging in my grandmother's, his mom's, kitchen forever, right? And then when she passed, then obviously, you know, it got bounced around a little bit. And it was given to me, and that was my Christmas gift this year, because we finally moved

into my first house in New Jersey. They wanted to give it to me in my house in Florida, but everybody knew that bitch of me were going to split. So no one gave it to me. You did. Nope, nope. I was the last one. I was caught by surprise. I was like a guy in the Titanic, like there's lifeboats coming. But anyway, I get the sign and I start getting the story that goes with it. And my grandmother had that up there. And I thought this was like a cute thing that grandmothers would have to keep in their house or whatever. But apparently, somebody used to drive across New York state lines back when the drinking age was 18 in New York. And 21 in New Jersey.

And if you drove up, you know, when you were 19 years old, you'd go get fucking shit-faced up in New York, do a little drunk driving while you're up there. Maybe go get an Irish coffee on the way out. and then steal a sign from a bar and then get caught passing it through the bathroom window. We never got caught. No, no, no. We never got caught. Yeah, it's in your house.

That's true, yeah. We're up in a pub in upstate New York because you could drink as an 18-year-old in New York State at the time. I'm glad I'm asking you for advice for my kid about drinking. It's a fucking guy's a thief. Alcoholic thief. I'm not an alcoholic, but I am a thief.

But after a night of libation, we noticed this one sign. That's nice. I want that from my apartment at college, right? And we noticed that in the men's room, they had the old-fashioned jealousy windows where all the panes of glass would open up. But there was enough space between the panes of glass to slide the sign. So one of us, I was with one of my buddies at the time. one of us is taking a sign off the wall

and bringing it into the men's room the bill was all paid and everything else so we weren't skipping out on the on the tab just stealing stuff from it's just stealing stuff from the tab oh you have honor just stealing the flair so he goes out I said I gotta go to the bathroom first so we go into the men's room take the sign slide it out the window

to my buddy who's outside the window grabs the sign we put it into the car I come out We jump into the car, we take off. Come home. Now, we're both fucked up at the time. But, you know, now what am I going to do with the sign that we just pulled a mission on, right? So bringing into my mother's house. And, of course, the next morning there's all kinds of questions about where did this sign come from?

Well, she knew. I mean, my mother was the oldest daughter. So she was in charge of raising the younger brothers. You know, that was just the Irish way of doing things. that the oldest daughter takes care of the rest of the family. So she raised three, you know, four brothers, a husband, and now I'm the third son. So there wasn't a whole lot of shit that she hasn't heard already, you know, in the past. So I said, well, it came from a pub in upstate New York.

Well, that's terrible. You know, I got the whole big lecture. That's terrible. And you shouldn't be stealing, you know, that's a sin and all the, all the Roman Catholic, Irish Roman Catholic, you know, shame on you. of a thing, and you got to confess. They also call it the right thing to say. Right.

So, all right. So that's that. What the hell? I'm then, before I could even take the sign to my own apartment down at college, it got hung up in her kitchen. And that's when he first discovered it, you know, as a little kid, that, you know, that sign was always there as far as he's going to.

Yeah. I have a beautiful memory of my grandmother's house, and it's just, apparently from his debauchorous youth. That'll teach him for having slats in the window. That's right. You better put a screen outside that jealousy window. Yeah, I think that's it. You can't, I'm not going to be able to control those moments of whatever this,

stealing something, getting drunk. Yeah, it seems like a good idea at the time. Everybody has those stories and people become who they're going to become and go through. I am not going to be able to take him away from all the pain. That's the hard part. I am not going to be able to, I told my wife this other day, we're not going to be able to protect him

from all the pain he has to go through. He's going to have to go through it. And that's the hardest part for us is that my son's going to have to go through fucking bad times. And that's going to be his fault or his life or his choices. And we're not going to be able to,

no matter what we do or say, he has to go through it. Because that's everybody. Everybody has that. But isn't that the beauty of existence? Isn't that what we're doing here? Full spectrum experience? Yeah, if I was high, I'd think that way.

I'd think it. I'd say, yes. I was saying, yes. That's a Zen moment. Isn't that the beauty is to be? What a fucking dope head. I know, yes. But I think about that when I'm depressed.

Like, whenever I get really fucked up and I get sad, I think about my parents and how they had hopes for me, the same hopes of, like, hopefully he doesn't feel sadness or depression, or hopefully he doesn't go through disappointment. No, it's not that. It's feeling it, Mike. I'm going to have, we're going to have to feel these things.

Like, he's going to fucking do things and go through all the, and I'm going to, there's no way out of it. Where when you first start having the kid, you're like, I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, we're going to do this and that. I'm going to play catch with him. I'm going to play catch. I'm going to do all the things right.

And he's still going to fucking fuck up and have all, you know, do things. I feel like we're agreeing. That, no, yeah, but you're saying it's going to, man, that life, dude. Yeah. No. I'm saying that it's, it still sucks that that's coming. Of course. I'm saying the exact same thing. And I can't get high and make it go away like you. Oh, man, do you think, bro. I don't even smoke. I'm allergic. I know, but that would be me, because I'm old school. I don't know. It's just, you know, you have conversations with him about your past, like with use and stuff like that? I'm writing, I've said this before. I wrote

down my whole childhood in 50, 55, 56 stories from when I was, what I could remember from living, I live with 13 people in my grandmother's house. Yeah. My five uncles, my two aunts, my great-grandmother, my grandmother, grandfather,

and my mother and my sister and me in a three-bedroom. And it was great. And then I, she got married to that guy. And then it was five years of, I remember no, I was trying to remember good times. Right. I'm trying to,

trying to remember, you know, that one moment of fucking I did. Not one. It's all fucking terrible, awful, horrific. The time I should have been loved, the time I should have been held, the time I should have been just pampered and fucking kissed and every, I didn't have it. And then here I am in sixth, seventh grade. And I became, uh, I learned how to shut it all off. and I learned rage was my defense.

And then I just went from there. So I'm writing all the way up until I went to rehab and stuff. So I'm writing all these stories down. And I'm going to give it to him one day in like a book form. Yeah. Just for him. Yeah, just for him. Just for him.

Because he asked me all the time. Were you in jail? And I'm like, I was. Yeah. But I'll tell you later. What would make him ask that? Because he, dude, I do a million fucking, you know, he does. He has that soap on a rope in the shower.

But it's funny to me to look at him like his 13th birthday and we're having this party. And I was literally in juvenile jail. Yeah. You know, when I was 13, I'm in fucking juvie jail with all these crazy kids. And I'm sitting there watching him play around with squirt guns and having a cake.

Yeah. But then, you know. Are you taking a moment to be like happy about that? That you're pushing him past the marker? The only way, this is what happens. I feel, and you could correct me, and I don't know if you guys... I have two children, by the way.

Like, I'm a real dad. I know, but, no, I hope you don't think... It's not a want to be. It's not that. But there's different stages of you're going to see this. Yeah. Like, I remember the beginning stages of when they're crawling and when they're talking

and then when they're... You know, I remember when Max would go to the airport and run and see me and hug me. That goes away. Yeah, right. And I think the old, like what happens in life, you said this before. Life when you're a kid is slow. Like summer's along, everything. But as when you have a kid, now you have a barometer.

Yeah. Now you see something doing this. And you're, it's every day, all day. You're thinking and think. Panic inducing. So time goes by. In a blink. It goes by fast.

It's like when you're busy. Yeah. Time goes by fast. When you have nothing to do for weeks, it's like, Time goes slow. So the only way to slow it down is to literally shut everything else out and be in that moment with that, you know, that moment. So yeah, that's the only way to slow life down for me now at this age, with him at this age,

is to really enjoy those moments of it. Well, because I think even just if you're not worried about drinking or anything like that, like I've always found that not for my son, I'm talking about now me being a kid. Like, anytime anybody was transparent with me, it was never my parents. but any time any adult would like sit me down and tell me what was going on, even if it was hard, it was for my benefit. So like if you are transparent and honest about your history with this stuff and like that

and tell them what happens, what could happen genetically, like all this stuff. And I'm not saying you have to like put the fear of God into him. I'm just saying being honest. Like that gives him context. Well, he's going to get context,

but he hasn't been old enough to absorb it, you know, because kids don't he, you know, my therapist always said me, you talk to him too much. consequence. He's not, he doesn't hear,

you're giving him some lecture you heard of some guy. It's like the peanuts, right? The adults and the peanuts. Yeah. Yeah, they don't, they just don't get it. They can't. They don't have the mental capacity.

They learn much more from watching than from hearing. That's what I'm. Also, if you don't tell him stuff, then someone else is going to and that's going to just, like, I can't tell you how many overconfident older kids I knew that were just like, let me tell you some kid. If you drink Mountain Dew, it lowers your sperm count. And I just believe that to this day.

That's true, though. Is it really? I just learned that. I had an older boy at my brother. Said the man who's, who's, who's jizzes is yellow, right? Says the man who jizzes bubble tea. Baha blast. No, but I do think you do instill, like, honesty, you can tell, you can tell, I need you to be truthful.

I think that's an important one with you, your son. Yeah. You have to be able to come to me and be honest because that's the only way I can protect you. Yeah. I can't protect you if you're going to lie to me, too. Right. And whatever you do, I have you. your back. I think that's an important

one. Yeah. I might be mad. You might, but I will never not be on your side. I think that's an important one. Yeah. Like that they'll absorb. Like he, uh, he just had a girlfriend breakup with him. And, uh, he came back, came home all fucked up. The eighth grade? Uh, seventh.

Seven. Yeah. And he came, yeah. It's, it's like, yeah. Because your hormones are just, I used to teach six, seventh and eighth. And that's, that's a middle school is a freaking, nightmare as far as with that, yeah. We break up with somebody later, you don't have to see him again. Like, I ended something with a girl and I've never

had to see her again unless I watched late night. Did you murder? Unless you watch late night. Thank you, Michael. I stepped on your joke. I apologize. I didn't know where you're going. It's a good story, too.

I love you to death. But the worst part is for Max now, the girl's in the same school as him, right? Older. Yeah. Good for him, by the way. But is she in the same school? So it's a different... Okay, so if you have to... If you break up with a girl and then you have to go to, you know, sit next to all of her friends all day, and they all know, all this sort. Like, that's where it gets worse. You can't escape it then.

Well, yeah, like, it was like he came home all fucked up and, you know, you want to give speeches. Right. I want to give speeches and, you know, blah, blah, blah. And it's just, I just, I'm just like, he's punching the bag and he's all, you know, and he's like, you know, and it's like, you know, you want to talk about it. And it's like, you know, you want to, you know. And I was like, all right. That's hard. That's hard to go, okay. I don't want to talk about it.

Dude, you know, fuck, if you talk about it, bro. I know. If you talk about it, you'll feel better. I know that if you let it out, you'll feel better. But I won't talk about it. It's all right. I was like, so you want to go take a drive? Go get some shit at 7-Eleven?

All right. And then we just drove and drove, and he played some music. And then all of a sudden, he just started talking about it. Right, yeah. And I can't, and I just, to shut your face, to shut my mouth, because I love the fucking yap.

No, really? You should have a podcast. I don't know if you know, but a lot of people, a lot of comics do. We're all trying to get a fucking hit and we can't. Yeah, but it's like that's,

I think one of the hardest part is when they get to that teenage age is to shut the fuck up and let them talk, let them do it, right? I mean, it's, it's, uh, well, and I think it's middle school, middle school is,

is rough. I mean, because your hormones are kicking in and you're discovering, all of a sudden, that thing across the room for me

that used to have kooties in the fifth grade, now I want to get a little closer to that. You know, that's, and she still has kudy. It's real kudies,

but it's real kudis. It's dangerous, Kudis turns to herpes eventually. It is true. But, I mean, I used to say, like, especially with the, with the girls,

that cute little sixth grade girl that was just a darling and you would want to have her for your own daughter kind of a thing that the summer goes by and she comes back in September and now she's a seventh grader what the fuck what happened what possessed you over the summer because now you're a completely different kid you're you know I just want to smack you you're a woman now I hate you yeah it's just well that's the hardest part it's like my wife and Our relationship is this, we're the same people. We have to adjust a little bit here and there.

But we've known each other for so long. But with a kid, you have to adjust every year of, you have to, every year. Every year is a, every year. Yeah. Every day is a, is a new, new horizon kind of. Yeah. Isn't that great? Isn't that great?

Because I, the way I look at it, like my dad never operated his, or never updated his operating system once we all turned five. Like, he, he just never would look at us as anything below that. Like, we're always his babies. he can't even take like, you know, a normal conversation because he doesn't respect us as adult minds. So the idea that it continues, they evolve, and you have that awareness and you're evolving with him,

that's a fucking beautiful thing. No, it is, but it's hard. It doesn't make it not hard. Yeah. No, it's hard. Because if you're, you know what I mean? Because I grew up in that Irish Catholic. That's in me.

My mother's in me. That shit's in me. Because that was taught, that was taught to me. That's how you're a dad. Right. That's how you're a parent. So you're going kind of, you have to fight against that grain

as they get to these points where it's like, you're like, fuck, I fucked up, I said the wrong day. And that, it's hard, it's just hard, you know, but it is, it's the greatest, being a dad is the greatest thing in the fuck, I've ever done in my life. Amen. Yeah.

If you want to do it, you should do it. If you don't want to do it, you shouldn't do it. Very profound. I just say, well, honestly, it's dumb, but literally people come, up to me on the road all the time and are like, you look like you're having fun. Should I have a kid? And I'm like, do you want a kid? And they're like, I don't know. And I'm like,

then don't. I got a dog first. Yeah. Like, don't, man. It'll change your life for better or for worse. And it's completely dependent on whether or not you're into it. The good thing about a dog they're going to die in 15 years. That's right. And you could take it out to a park and go, I don't know, it took off. You can't do that with a kid. You'll get in trouble. Yeah, they're

chipped. Yeah, it's I mean, for me, to see guys like you when you had your kid and then you had a baby, like I see these people have, like friends of mine who were kids when I met you, you know, just have kids. It's like, I love it because I know what they're going to, I know what they're going through. I know the emotions you have and I know, you know what you're going to go through. Like you know what we're all going to go through.

Wait until your kid has a kid. Yeah. Try that one on for size. Yeah. how's that? That's great. Yeah? Are you digging to being a grandpa?

Am I thinking about it? No, digging. Like, like him. Absolutely. Yeah, because you can leave. It's right. Smells a little shitty. Hand off.

It's happened. It's happened. No, it is awesome, man. I'm in the 90 days of it. Carly is a superhero for everything that she's doing, man. I know that the older he gets, the more important I get. Yeah.

But I will say, like her, that first two weeks, it's the most scared I've ever been in my entire life. It's just, and then you watch her come in, like just John Wicking it. She just knows where things go. She's making things. It was, I've never been more impressed with her, and I'm constantly impressed with her. But that was pinnacle where I was just like, okay, our life is going to be together because I can't do the thing you just did. Yeah. That's amazing.

Also, I had to hold her legs back while the kid came out and then I cut the cord. That was kind of weird. I hated it. I got the cord? I hate it. What do you mean? held her leg like all the way back? So it was like 4 o'clock in the morning when he was born.

And so they only had one nurse. So the other nurse goes, here, you come here and hold her leg back. Yeah, my son was born on St. Patrick's. Same thing with me. The nurse said, I talked to, I go, Don, I don't want to see any. She goes, I don't want you to see any of it either. And 315 in the morning, the nurse went. I had that joke about it.

She goes, it's happening. I go, great. When's like the Gray's Anatomy team coming in? She goes, it's just me and you. I need your help. I'm like, I went to community college for fine art. Like, I don't, I will throw up at a fucking, a retarded person in eating. I can't, I can't watch this.

And I was, I was right there, dude. And I remember the head came out. I was like, what the fuck? And then she's like, all right, cut the cord. And I'm like, I don't want to. That was like when I went for a helicopter flight with this guy. He's like, yeah, just take the thing. And I go, no, I don't want to fly.

And I cut it. And it was like, call him. Amare. Fucking gross. It was like cutting through grizzle and steak. Yeah, and then it was all white. He looked like shit.

Why is marbling? Yeah, babies are really disgusting looking. Can I ask you guys a question? You two. When the baby was born, just be honest, I'll be honest. I'll be honest first. When the baby was born and it was, I was

faking it. Yeah. I was, oh my God, he's beautiful. Oh my God. I'm so, oh my God, this is crazy. I was 100% faking it. I was just like, I didn't know what the fuck was happening. Yeah.

My son was very cute in the face. And then I got really grossed out because he was still like covered in all that. He looked like the baby velociraptor in Jurassic Park. Oh, yeah. That like pops out of the egg. Because then like his hands came out and they were like all purple and he had long nails and shit. I was like, dude, you're a fucking salamander. Get out of here.

I'll see you tomorrow when they filed. Yeah. Dawn was crying and I was trying to get. I was like, I was like in Tropic Thunder when he was like, plucking nose hairs. But then, but then, and then all of a sudden it hit you.

Like a couple weeks later, you're like, oh, I remember now I cried just looking at him, sleeping now, you know? Day two, I actually, it clicked in my head.

It felt it? Well, day one, first of all, he comes out. They give him to Carly right away. She holds him for whatever that golden hour thing is. And then they immediately, there's no one else. And just, he's like, all right, here you go, dad. And they just hand him to me. And he's fresh out, you know.

Skin to skin. No, I had a, I'll tell you what, I had my Navy damage control hoodie on, which is my favorite damage control. Nice. That was my headspace was like, I got to get back in a military mode for this. So they hand me my son. It's a black hoodie, right? It's a black hoodie.

And then when they scoop him back up for me after it, I'm like, okay, cool, I'm holding my son right now. And then I go to hand him back to the nurse. And then I look down and there's just like a chalk outline, like a murder scene. Just stupe all over. You had stomach jizz all over your fucking. And that's when I realized I was like,

oh, I don't have any other shirts with me either. So I'm just going to walk around with goop on me. Does anybody have a tie-dye kit? I remember when her water broke. Wet cleanup, I all one. We just had a hardest, like a really tough day. And then we lie. we were like, it was like two in the morning, and we lied down.

I was like, fucking, thank God. I literally said, I thank God this day's over. Let's go to sleep. She's like, yeah, we go to sleep and she goes, oh, God, my water broke. And I was like, huh? And then I remember, she's like, it's all over the place. And she's like, smell it. I'm like, what?

You have to smell it, make sure. And I had to touch it. And I'm like, it's not water. It's jelly. It's like jelly. And I kept thinking she's, we went to the hospital. And then they were like, you can go home. and I'm like, the baby's going to die

because it doesn't have the jelly stuff. Right, right, right. I'm like, is the baby going to die? I'm just, I'm, it was, it was one of the craziest two, three days of my life. Oh, it's a total, it's, uh, I'll tell you I felt like I was on acid without having done acid.

That, that's, you know, as close as anything as I come up with. But the thing, it hasn't stopped till, I mean, today. It's still, like a train took off that day and has not stopped. That's what I feel like. Is there ever, does it stop? stop at some point where you can... Not really. No?

It doesn't. Not really. Fuck. You're in for it for the long haul. It's not when he's 18 or 21. It's forever. Yeah. Yeah, it's forever.

You'll sleep when you're dead. Yeah. He's going to take all my watches. All right. Well, listen, man. Dad... Can I call you dad? Sure.

Dad. Thank you. Fucking dad. Get off your phone, you're fucking. Sorry, I was picking up dates. Yeah, not now. You're on a podcast. I thought we were going to do plugs.

It's going to come up. We're a professional show here. All right. It's not like your fucking... I just didn't even think you'd address me as a father. You're a dad, man. It makes me so happy you're a dad. Me too.

Because it's always the guys, not that I didn't think you'd be one, but it's these guys who all of a sudden they're a dad. And I say when people ask me to be a dad, it says the best thing I've ever done. Yeah. Because when you... I saw somebody who, I remember Louis was a dad. And I was like, if he can do it, I can do it.

I can do it. I was like, fucking, I should have just looked at Vost and be like, if he could do it, I could do it. I don't have to go too far. It's like to see you be a dad now, it's like fucking great. I love it. And you know, it's the best thing of it. I mean, it's the best in the world. I love it.

So I'm glad you guys hung out with me on Father's Day. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. If you're thinking about being a dad, fucking do it. But actually get a dog first. Get a big dog that will die in like six years. But, and happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there. All the soon-to-be fathers out there. Hope you got something out of this podcast.

We're going to go to the dates right now. Who's of these? This is me. All right, there you go. K.P., what do you got? One would just got added. I'm at the Starboard in Dewee Beach, Delaware. That'll be June 23rd.

It really does, man. I have a good time there every year. Paco's coming with me, too. So July 24th. White Plains, me and Chris Faga at Tri-State Comedy Club. Then we got North Myrtle Beach. I'll be down to Beach Cove Resort for the Comedy Shop.

That's James, by the way, he's booking that now. Love James. And so I'll be down there for that one. And we're actually lining up something for Calgary coming up late September. Listen, he's got a kid, so you've got to go support this guy. Please. You got to go.

That's right. Bank. I'm trying to get them to go. Mike Cannon with a website. Nice. Yeah, well, Lancaster already passed. Windsor, Ontario, if you're in Canada, the 25th, June 25th, I'll be there at the tipsy toucan. That's, that's

sick. The 25th, the 26th, the 27th. You want to borrow this jacket? I'll be four shows at the backdoor comedy club in Toronto. That's going to be really cool. You working all gay bars and carrying out? Pretty much. I mean, you know, well, yes, and then a Ruba race.

We're at the tipsy two and the backdoor comedy club. Then I'm going to a Ruba race. I really am. Yeah, 10% off Tickets with glitter tits. So come on in. Make sure you go to Mike Cannon.com. Right. You got to punch a page? Mike Cannon Comedy.com.

Yeah, punchup Mike Kenna at punchup.com. Yeah, go to Punchup so he can get your email and he can actually get you guys. So when he's going around it, you'll get an email right from him. Go to punchup. com.com. For mine. And go to punchup. com.

Live slash K.P. Burke? Yes, sir. For you always. Listen, no joke. Two of the funniest young guns out there. They fuck. I've worked with them from when they first started. started to the point where, and this happened to me in Boston, where it's like, fuck, I got to follow this guy.

And it sucks. And I love when that happens. And both of these guys are murderers. Like seriously murderers. And I don't throw that fucking word around. Murderers. So we want to see real stand-up comics, funny motherfuckers that kill it for the whole time they're up there. Go check these guys out.

Go to punchup.com. Live slash Robert Kelly for me. I'm going to be the mothership, the third, through the fourth. And the fifth, and I'm bringing my family, getting Mac some cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. Then July 25th, I'll be in Portsmouth for one night, Saturday night, Portsmouth at the Music Hall lounge. And then I will be in Saratoga in September, September 11th. And then I got a bunch of dates.

Brooklyn Improves coming up, which is Saturday, the 26th of September. I've never worked that club, brand new club. Beautiful room. got a bunch of dates coming up, so please go to punchup. Live slash Robert Kelly for all my dates. And remember to subscribe to this if you're watching on YouTube or like it if you're listening to this every week. Make sure you show you love and let us know that you're listening and you like the show. And Danny, what do you got?

Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff. And I'm going to be headlining in St. Pete, Florida, at Sunshine City Comedy Club, August 14th and 15th. Come on out. Come on out. Joe, what do you got? Yo, this is Joe Russell. Go to Instagram and type in jokes. Russell and give me a follow. Thanks.

Joe's trying to be a dad. He just got married. Nice. He wants a kid. You dropping batches, Joey? I've been dropping batches since day one. Not it, baby. That's nuts. Do it, Joe. Join us. This time next year, you're at this table. All right. And we're going to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly right now. We have questions from the fans. We ask those right there and right there only. So if you want to support the show and ask questions to the guests on the show. Make sure you go there. And if not, we'll see you guys

next time on, you know what, dude.