Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #646 | Brenda Cullerton & Daniel Geneen

Episode Date: July 5, 2026

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Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school back in the day where it all started before fun and crazy. This isn't NPR. That's the original. What's up, everybody? We're back at the studio above the comedy seller. You know what, dude.

It's me. the fucking dude, Robert Kelly, one of the longest running podcasts on the East Coast. And I got a very special show tonight. Somebody I know and like and love. And somebody I don't know. But I feel like I'm going to love her

because she's already a fucking crazy woman. Danny, who do we got? We have Brenda Colerton and Dan Janine. Now, Brenda is the girl. And he is the guy. That's never. statement anymore. No, not now.

No. No. No, it's not. All right, listen to me. Get on on that mic, honey. I know you're not used to... Still not close enough to the mic. It's been a long time since you put something to your mouth.

All right. Oh, come on. You put that in. You've been with that a lot. We're late tonight. Okay, Bobby. That is not a great way to break the ice. I apologize.

No, you don't. It's ice down there, isn't it? Yeah. I have... I'm sorry I was late. I was doing my show. and writing sex jokes? He's laughing at you bombing.

I actually don't know. Danny, can we get a clarification on that? 100% was that. It was a bomb. Okay, cool. All right. There you go. I don't hand this out that much, but there you go. That's the bomb bandana. I'm going on him. I'm doing my spot next door at the push of cat. What's that? Nothing. Go on.

Just wrap that around. You put that in your mouth, actually. I'm doing the spot, and then David Tell him I love. He's a legend. He's one of the funniest guys ever. He's doing this new thing where he has a robert. robot. And he, he, he,

he's like, hey, I would like the robot to come in during your set and you guys fuck with each other. I might do

whatever you want, of course. And I know what it is. So I get on stage, I'm doing my thing. To the left, there's this guy just yelling shit out

the whole time. Ah, as soon as I get up, first Bobby. Behah! I'm like, ah, fuck me. But here's the problem.

I'm a big fan. I came to see you. Oh, my God. I'm like, now you're fucking. Florida. No, Seattle. Worse. So then he goes,

which fucks with me because I have low self-esteem because if you like me, I like you. It's like girls. What do you like in women? If they like me, I don't care if they have a fucking dead tooth and a mole on their nose. I like you a lot. Well, I can get used to it.

So I'm like, I'm trying, I don't want him to get kicked out. I don't want somebody who came, but you got too drunk yelling shit out the whole show. Screaming shit out. I'm trying to do, shut the fuck. The manager came over to him twice. He gets mad. Then he got sulky.

He got sulky? Yeah, because you got a talk. I'm talking to. Shut the fuck. I'll be kicked out. Especially with a drunk. I mean, that's the last thing you do. Well, here's lecture them. Well, I know when you, because they, it like hits the core of why they get drunk. Triggers the rage. Right. Exactly. You know. Thanks a lot. Let's see how it goes. I'm drinking Yuzu tonight. We're good. What is it? Yuzu? No, I know. What is that? Thanks. Oh, it's, it's, it's a, Japanese citrus. First of all, I love you already. Okay. That's what I'm saying.

I'm sure you say that to all that. Sorry, you were, you were telling me. You were telling a story about a show you just did. Was the robot on stage at the same time as the drunken heckler? I'm going to get to that, you two fucking. Ruined the story. Right, so, right. So you saw, you were sitting in the crowd. You saw a comic that you really liked.

I want you to put the pen down because I feel like you're judging me with the pen and a pad of paper. What am I interviewing you? Did I do a crime? Fuckface? So let me ask you a question. You were, let me get this straight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this guy's yelling and now the robot comes in.

Oh, my. But I don't, here's a problem. The robot just didn't. come in. Six guys come in. Another guy comes in, sits down, it was controlling. So it's like the doors, it's all these distractions. I'm waiting for this robot to come in, the whole

fucking show. It comes in late. It finally rolls in, you can't see it, and it's so low. It's dark out. A tiny robot. It's a robot in a little car. The last time I saw it was a big skull. It's just a little skull. He's in a car and he drives in. And I'm like, you can't see

him, so he drives over, bangs into the drunk guy, which is not what I Oh my God. So then bubbles are shooting out of its ass. So it backs up. Then they're going to turn the lights up because nobody can see it. And now the lights are on it. That's fun for entertainment.

Check please. And look behind the thing where all the bubbles going. There's this poor Asian woman just getting drenched in bubbles. Just jizzed on. Just a thousand bubbles. At least she wasn't driving the car. Well, she's just. Very good day.

So you've got two. Keep it. you're one down so then so I'm looking at this poor lady she's just going like this trying to be you know nice and then Dave pulls the trigger

on it because this drunk guy he's like all right I'm out of here I'm like I thought we were supposed to talk and he leaves I'm all it's like a weird uncomfortable thing it's horrible and then I go to the lady I go I'm so sorry for that you got I go you got a real Bukaki

she goes I am Japanese so I was like all right whatever so then the kid starts yelling so I go back into my, I go back into my act. I'm trying to, all I want to do tonight was run my hour from here to here. And I, and it got

fucked up. And then I'm going back in a act, this kid yells out, do Patrice's joke, do one of Patrice's joke. I go, you want me to do one of my dead friends jokes? Oh my God. And I first of all, there's a front row mother, daughter, aunt. I go, do you know who Patrice's this? She goes, no.

I go, who's your favorite comic? Dusty Slay. I'm going, okay. So we're in different fields right now. Big points of reference Dear rat. Yeah, you want me to do one of... It's annoying, because you probably don't know any of Dusty Slay's jokes. I do. Okay.

I love Dusty Slay. Me too. Me too. Big friend. Why would you judge me? There you go. No, no. To be honest, let me just...

Hang on one second. The joke I was going to, I was making was that you were going to... This is so complicated. You were going to... Well, we're not smart enough for your fucking jokes. How do you stand him? How are you... I was going to say that you were so desperate to appease the audience that you were going to do the

Patrice joke, but then when they said, do Dusty's jokes, you didn't have any of them down. Yeah. I probably have to explain a joke. That's my favorite. But I just want you to know that I wasn't insulting Dusty Slay. I know you were insulting me. Yeah, I was insulting me.

If you're going to insult me, do it funny. Yeah, yeah, I try. I'll get you next time. Anyways, and then I'm leaving. Long story longer. I fucking love this. Sorry, is this the longest running story of all time? I love this.

Like Jesus. This fucking hand can't answer. So, And then I run into two of my closest friends in the business on the way out. I was like, I got to go. I got to fucking go. I'm late. So anyway.

The business of fucking mind your business. How's that? Fast food business? I didn't know it was going to be like this. Guys. Okay, I have a fucking idea. Wait, are you not enjoying this? Like a wrestling match.

Listen, mama. I'm so sorry that I was late. Listen, for a story like that, you could be late. Never again. She probably wishes you were five. minutes later. All right, we'll give it back. You've earned it back.

You know what I forget about you? Yeah. You're a cunt. You really are. Only here for some reason. I say that all the time. I like that Dave was like, we really need to test this robot out.

Does Bobby Kelly have a show coming up? Well, he did a podcast up here with Ian. Yeah, yeah. And he's got a game show he does with it. Have you seen the game show? Yeah. Game show is funny. shit. So I guess he's just testing

all these little environments out where the robot can do its thing. I mean, look, if that guy wasn't there, Dave's, it would have been great because Dave was on the mic and Dave's quick as a fucking way. Oh, he was in the back? He's the guy. No, I know, but is he hiding in the back? He's in the back. He's in the back. So I was like, excited because Dave... Oh, that's so fun.

Dave will make any... Oh, my God. Dave was like, I'm out of here. The robot just started living. I'm like, what the fuck? Where are you going? You leave me hanging? You can't just come in with a fucking robot in a car with bubbles? And then... Just leave. Not explain it. Yeah.

And it's cost more than a Ferrari, I hear. It's very expensive. I mean, talk about, yeah. What a little joy for you. How much is... For all of us. David Copperfield has a... Danny, how much is that robot

that David Copperfield has on stage? Like 20 mil? I don't know. What is it with comics and fucking robots? Danny, thanks for helping. Yeah. Why would you go to Danny for sure information? He knows David Copperfield.

I didn't know him. No. He's met him. Danny wasn't of age. According to Google. Google us is 100. That's good. Hundreds of millions. He's Google.

So funny that he could have done that and he just left you hanging. I don't know. That's my producers I have for the show. Hey, Danny, what a... I don't know. Thanks. Why don't you use that magic box in front of you and ask it? The magic box.

Now, listen. That's how he knows Copperfield. He's got a... Wow. You're back to one. Oh, no. You're not reading notes for God's sake. No, no, no.

I want to explain to you the show. We're going to do the show for a little bit. And then we're going to do a little... I'm doing this show? Haven't we been doing it? Since you started. I'm old, you know. You're not that old.

How old are you, Mom? 75. Holy shit. Yeah. No. Now, are you? Are you? I am 75.

Okay, I'm 74. I always add a year or two, but I'm 74. Isn't that the, that way people are amazed. It's like, oh my God. I'm 87. I look fantastic. Exactly. You're from New York?

No, from Connecticut. You're from Connecticut. I don't know how you got into my life. through him, I think. I know, but Danny told me, there's this lady, friends with him. She's really crazy. She's awesome. Blah, blah, blah. I go, I go, should we have Ron? I go, I go, have Ron. That's great. I'm excited. Well, let's bring her on. Jesus. I bet you're never excited. How did, how did I'm excited? I'm excited. So I see his grumpy face. I'm not, smiling. You're not, you're forcing a smile. No, no, no, no. This is. Oh, no. You're a joy.

No, it is it. It hurts. How did you two become friends? Uh, we met. Oh, God. We met in an improv class like 15 years ago. You guys are doing improv? Yeah. Can you imagine? Oh, my God, almighty. So you became friends with her in the class?

Well, actually, so. We sucked. We sucked. That was part of why I loved him. Sucked. But she didn't, she was writing an article about the class for some prestige magazine. Right. And I ran into her.

We had fun in the class, but I ran into her like a month after. And I, and she had talked to me about maybe interview. doing me for the thing. I didn't care about being in the thing. But, and she had into, what, you think I'm running too long? Longest running, okay. This is for comics. I'm stunned here. Either way. I was just earnestly responding. Okay.

And she interviewed some other. I hate the word earnest. I do, though. I loathe it. You do? You do? Why do you hate the word earnest? Do you?

I don't like the word, but I didn't. Yeah. You big fan of that? Yeah. Well, but in an environment that is insincere and un-earnest, You should say when you're You know what I hate more than the word People who defend the word

Oh and there's plenty of them Are you kidding me? Right here. Oh, well I was it I was defending it in the moment As a contrast To what is typically done here Which is not being earnest

And oh, you bucket hat's stupid You know Put your bucket hat on All right I will So we met at improv And then she interviewed That's stupid

And then she interviewed another guy For the thing And then we met on the street And I was like I heard you interviewed Neil for your article and I was like, what the fuck? I thought I was more interesting. Yeah.

Why did you not, why did you go with the other guy instead of him? She doesn't even remember. Oh, thanks a lot. We've talked about this recently. No. No, we talked about this recently. You didn't even remember this story. No, but I mean, why would have I entered?

I mean, you sucked. This was UCBD. I mean, this was a big, big, but Neil wasn't good either. Well, I mean, he was better than me. Yeah, sure. But still, I thought the, the, thing with the end of the piece was about the early stages of like being in the

early stages of sucking yeah that's right bombing big time yeah hey I want to do a piece on five people who sorry sorry I didn't know that a guy who was okay in UCB 101 was was a better interview subject that she didn't say you're okay she said I was I was saying no but I mean look at him now yeah well right still sucks is that you're gonna no he doesn't suck he's very funny fucking fabulous anyway we probably we've gone throughout the last probably 15 years or whatever, 14 years. We've had, we've either had coffee once a month or every week or doing a podcast. Do you go to Connecticut to meet or she lives near?

No, no, I live on 11th Street. Jesus God. I'm always right on time. And we have. Passive, aggressive. It's the first night I've ever seen the dude show up on time, okay, tonight. Well, I knew Bobby would be late. Mama, because I'm the star.

And I've never sucked. She wrote the article tonight on me. How to get bumped by a robot. Robot was funny. So you live in the city now. Do you like the city? Forever, forever. How long you live in the city?

How long? Well, I mean, I'm 75 or whatever, probably 50 years, more than 50 years. Okay. I mean, back and forth from other places. So you lived here when it sucked. The base. Oh, yeah. 70s.

70s blue. I love the 70s. But it was crazy and fucked up. Well, it was. It was cheap as shit. Because there was a lot of crime. A lot of fucked up shit. But then in the 80s, 90s, it started getting good.

Giuliani? Well, that's your idea of good. Oh, boy, I'm out of here. You love Giuliani? Hang on one second. Let me tell you why. Let me tell you why. Relax.

Okay. Because what he did is he cleaned up the parks and stuff. Like he put those mobile things and you could walk through Washington Square Park and not be fucking dead. He ruined Times Square. No, that was Bloomberg. That was not Julian. Bloomberg. Was it Bloomberg?

took out the porn 6040. All the theaters were gone. I thought it was Giuliani. No, he shut down Broadway, made it a fucking park. That was not Julia. That was Bloomberg. Okay, sorry. Now it's a fuck.

Now it's a bunch of... No, but the 90s is when the money started coming in. And that was the fucking end. Giuliani brought the... Sunami. Giuliani brought the movie business back. He gave tax credit. Tax credits to billionaires.

Yeah, well, tax credit to movie people, so they started... They shot everything in Toronto or... Yes, you're right. Canada. Toronto is Manhattan. Oh, my God, that's ridiculous. They did it all. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He brought it all back, so that's where all the movies. That's true. So he was actually great. Bloomberg, I liked, but he really made it Disney. I do. I mean, for a nomni-orker, he was pretty convincing. It takes a lot. Pretty cool, and he didn't stay in the stupid house, which I love because his place was better.

I got a, that's a ballsy move. What's his name didn't stay in the big house either? You know, that guy who did nothing but party at Bond. Who lives in Albania now. Oh, Evans? No, Adams. No, Adams. Never lived in the big house.

Yeah, but they wouldn't let him. Well, that was probably a good call on their part. No, but he is, you know, in Albania now. I mean, how appropriate is that? He got an Albanian passport right before the Flamingo Revolution. Really? To avoid being prosecuted, I'm sure. Because he persecuted both.

I heard he was a potter. He was a fucking... That's all he did. I mean, it was a convoy, because I lived right near Bond. No shit. 60 bond. So you'd see him in those freaking suits of his, you know, pump like this, of course, not gay,

supposedly. Right. Do you think he... Edit. No, it's okay. Is that okay? No, he was definitely gay. It's usually not at it, then cancel. No, I'll find out. You can say allegedly about anything. Yeah, he takes it in the ass, allegedly. But one of the funniest scenes we ever

had together, you know, as... Improv. Harold and Moth, you know, was meeting his mother. You know, he had told his mother that he was going to bring her friend at dinner. And his mom, you know, wants D to have a girlfriend and kind of, you know, the things Jewish mothers want. Exactly. She still does. Yeah. And so I hobbled in on a gurney. No way. I didn't. But I might as well. Oh, you should have came in with like a cane. She's so. Some type of oxygen tag.

Was pretty shocked. Really? I mean, I'm sure she's over it. Now, I never saw her again, I have to say. You never invited me to join you again for coffee or a drink. You've seen my mother a few times. Twice. I think I saw it. Yes, briefly at Loring. Did they get along when she came over? Like swimmingly, right? Well, there was a boyfriend there who was not. It's so complicated. Why? Oh, God.

What? Why would it be complicated? My mom. Chewish mothers and sons. What is not complicated about that, ever? My mom would probably have thought that, you know, she would have felt like. there was something wrong with you. No, there's a little bit of competitiveness. Oh, that's true. If, like, why do you need this maternal figure, like, something like that?

She made it about her. Yeah, but that's very Jewish. It's always an incident. Why do you need to have a... It's always, what does this say about what I, my shortcomings? Because she thinks that you're getting, like, some advice from her. Yeah. And she's helping you in your life.

Yeah, and what... Which I am. And she is. And, you know, and she's, but it's not like a... mother, it's tough to explain. And also my mom had a boyfriend who was a writer and, or who was a, who was a, in book publishing. And Brenda and her husband kind of saw right through that he was full of shit. What do you mean he's full of shit?

Well, he's long gone. He's, he's just, he was very pretentious and his company. Yes, that's right. They came for drinks to our house. I remember. They came to your house. And he was pointing at these books on the bottom shelf, which I happened to have written. and he came out with some wise-ass comment about, you know, why were there three copies? Now, most writers I know, they have 2,000 copies of their own books. Me, I have two, if I'm lucky. So this guy says, you know, what would you ever have three copies of that book for? And my husband...

He didn't know was your book? She wrote it. No, he had no idea. What a fucking dildo. That I was, whatever. And he's gone. Now he's history. Because of you?

Be all because of me. All because of that one, I heard of him. He was a real dickhead. So she helped her life. There. Your mother. Brenda could not have affected my mom's relationship with that man any less. But I would say that...

Stop being so earnest. That was... There's just not... They're just not going to be friends. Yeah. No, I totally get it, Dee. If she wanted to, I mean... I'd freak if my daughter walked in with a friend who was almost 80.

I mean, I would think she had issues. It has nothing to do with that. They're just very different. My mother is not... Fun? Sorry. She loves the opera. Brenda,

how do you feel about the opera? I hate the fucking opera. I don't even like spas. Brenda is just like the most, like I told this to my mom the other day, and this is actually, I would say, my mom's wonderful. This is what she would,

if I called Brenda and I was like, hey, this rapper is doing a pop-up show on a floating piece of wood in the Hudson like at 3 a.m. It's going to be an amazing New York moment. Do you want to go? Absolutely. You go?

Oh, yeah. No, my God. No, no, no. Yeah, she'll do anything. She wants to see what's going on. She wants to understand. Like, she wants to see what's going on on the fringes of culture.

Like, she always, like, she refuses to not know. Well, the craziest thing you've done. Well, the craziest consequence, I was obsessed with hip-hop. And I used to go to all the concerts alone, Kanye and Jay-Z, because my children were mortified. That someone is old as I was, their mother yelling over. And I got a ticket to that concert at the Barclay Center,

the baptismal one with Jay-Z. Right. And halfway through H.D. I was some 250-pound drunk fell on top of me and broke my back. And I was the first person out of Barclays in an ambulance. First person on a gurney in an ambulance. Mama, slow down for a second. No, I was fine.

I mean, I was immobilized for a while. But, yeah, the dude broke my back. He fell on top of you and broke your back. Yep. And what do I call that thing in the rack at Barclays is so severe that people have sued a billion times since I was the first person, I never sued, of course, because I don't believe in litigation.

There are moments when I wish I had, however, or at least gotten a postcard from Jay saying, you know, I hope you're recovering nicely, but nothing. No, and so that turned into this one-woman show called Jay-Z and me. And that's the one that I mean, I had never acted in my life. I had never done comedy. This is ten years ago.

And this was 14 years ago. Yeah. And that completely changed my life. 14 years ago, you broke your back at a Jay-Z concert. This is the cool. coolest lady I've ever met my life. She's the coolest. But that's not to interject on this, but like, that's just not my, as I interject.

That's not my mom, right? Brenda, what? Big words again. Interject? Yep. How dumb is this podcast? Pretty dumb, dude. I called, you know what, dude.

Yeah. Not, you know what, gentlemen. I want you to dumb it down. Stop trying to impress Brenda. I don't mean to the conversation. How about it? No, you say. to your mother.

It's just she wouldn't, it's not, it's not the kind of thing, like, my mom wouldn't hear that and be like, it's so cool you're hanging out with someone who is,

who is really experiencing life. My mom, because this is how I am too, I'm 50% this, I'd be like, my mom's like, well, she's out there doing cool things.

I'm not, I don't know fucking anyone, you know. Yeah. And so, so there's, there's, have you tried to get his mom

to do stuff with you? No, oh my God, absolutely not. I mean, you know, there's some bound. It just wouldn't happen.

My mom's nice. It would be nice, but it wouldn't, they would never get past surface. No, we live in different worlds. Yeah, they would never get past a surface conversation? What if you, would that bother you of her and your mom became better friends and she hung out with your mom more than you? Well, that would be horrible. That would hurt you.

No, I wouldn't, I wouldn't bother me at all. I really think, like, you know. That wouldn't bug you. No, what if they solved the Middle East? What? What? What? I just mean, it's a thing that's probably not.

That's a leap. What do you think they're going to sit around? and try to fucking figure out the Middle East? That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying it's a hypothetical that I don't think, that it doesn't even, it's not even in the, I wish I didn't say the Middle East. It's not even something that I think is in the realm of possibility, right?

Like what if, like what if, you know, what if, uh, what if, uh, what if, uh, that's not, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, talking in the microphone. No, no, no, no, no, no, that's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm saying. Yeah, that's not what I'm saying. Are you Jewish? No.

Sort of. I am Jewish, but my husband's Jewish. Your husband's Jewish? What does your husband do? He owns a production company, he's a director. Oh, that's great. And he's amazing musician. So you're an artist.

You're an artist. You've been in the city. I hate that word to you know. So you're a Thesbian. There you go. Thesbian. Not to be earnest, but she also... Call back.

And I'm going to throw this out of the stress. She also has, and this, I don't mean, I'm going to be sweet. She is the most, like, supportive of people who are just going for something. And it's unrelenting. Like, you're doing great. keep making, keep working. Anyone who's just going for something, she will message them and just appreciate what they're doing.

But this is joy. I mean, that's what joy is, I think, is encouraging. I mean, I'm out in Bushwick all the time now with, you know, 12-year-olds practically. I'm shooting all these films. She's shooting films with 12-year-olds. Is that illegal? No, I know.

It sounds like Only fans or whatever. No, but I mean. She's just up on TikTok. She's seeing what the kids are. The city is. This is what keeps the city alive is people trying and failing. Can I say, can I say something?

I'll tell you about the city. I love the city, but I think I hate it, right? But you're supposed to love and hate it. That's the joy of it. I think that's it. I was in the city on Friday. I came in to shoot this thing for Tommy Pope over in the East Village.

And I'm like, I got to go to the fucking eat. I'm parking over here. I got tamed down, cross town, walk through that fucking dirty. Park, that Thompson Square. Yeah, it's still dirty. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know, if only Giuliani got his hands on it. He didn't. It was nice. They shot comedy there. Comedy Central special there. Oh, that I didn't know. Yeah, they had a live from Thompson Square Park. It was fucking, no, comedy special.

Wow. It was great. But now it, well, whatever. My point is, my point is this. Is that I'm walking through the fucking city. I'm walking through time and all the bullshit. I'm looking around, and the field is all these fucking hippies, and then there's sexy people and then there's drug addicts.

And then there's, there's people selling drugs and couples falling in love and old people just sitting there and fucking dogs over there taking shits and pigeons. I'm like, this is the real poet. I'm like, this is the best. I'm like,

it's everything. And then I go into the thing. I come out. I'm walking through the park and there's, you could hear the roar of people. I'm like, fuck, I'm going to walk into some pro-Palestinian march.

So I, of course I walk around. I'm going to see it. You can't avoid it. I got to. So now I'm stuck. You can't, to go back and all the way around, I'll go through it. And it's the drag parade.

Oh, wow. I don't even notice it because just see a people and I go, hey, what's going on? Oh, the drag parade is supposed to start 15 minutes ago? I go, is there any way around it? She goes, nope, you got to go through it. Through it. So now I'm just. Or get dressed.

Right. And the drag. The drag parade is just like guys and you and dresses. It's not like sexy trans women. It's just a bunch of dudes like me and him going, hey, daddy. Boy, it's old school. It's old school. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm, I'm walking through. fucking bubbles and fucking I'm hitting fairy wings and I'm trying to and I'm trying to get through it. Excuse me. Sorry, pardon me. Trying to grab wings and try to. And then all of a sudden it starts to move and I'm like,

fuck, I'm in it. And it's, I got thousands behind me. And I'm in the middle. And it's, it's from the park. There's A street.

Yeah, yeah, if I don't cut, if I don't get through this thing, I go, I have to cut through and get across or I have to do a whole block in the parade. From A.

From Avenue to A to second. To second. I'm on a tree line street and I'm just going to be in it. So I literally just, I like pulled out of it like a fucking vortex. I was like, oh my God. And I just look back. I'm like, the city's the best. It's the worst and the fucking best.

You just hate it and you love it at the same time. I always thought I did love it a lot back of there, but now I love going out of it. And I love coming back here. I love it. That's a great way to do it. Hey, what's up, everybody? Do me a favor.

Go to punchup. Live slash Robert Kelly. That's the best way to find out where I'm playing near you. Right now I'm going to July 25th, Portsmouth, New Hampshire. One night only, two shows. Then I'm going to Saratoga Springs, September 11th and 12th in New York for some type of festival up there. September 26th, Brooklyn, at the new improv. Excited about that.

Port Charlotte, Florida, October 2nd and 3rd, and Boston. I'm coming back on the 16th and the 17th. Punchup.com. Live slash Robert Kelly. Go there. Come see me live. You're the best. I do.

I live up in Cotona now. You live in Cotona? Yeah. Wow. You're really making money. Holy hell. I'm doing all right. No, I mean, Cotona has become so posh.

It's not even to be believed. I mean, it was always posh. There was always old money in Cotona. Yeah. But now it's, which I'm sure you are, old money. No, I feel uncomfortable every time I go in a store that they know I don't belong here. Not the East Village, okay? Not a lot of drag parades in the tonal.

There's a lot of quilted vests, a lot of earth tones. A lot of guys wearing the same outfit and a lot of women in yoga pants. Oh, man, they all live in Lulu Lemon. You know, the trophy while, I mean, anyway. I love the town, but I do not feel, I still don't feel comfortable. Well, it's a beautiful town. It's a beautiful town. right decision. I'm more of a Yorktown Heights type of guy. Okay. Well, you know what I mean?

Yeah. You could also live there cheaper. Yorktown House, probably. We went there for the schools, my fucking wife. How old's your kid? He's 13. Oh, wow. So, yeah. Dangerous age. But I think he's more York. It's a, it's fucked up age. You know, it is. It's one of the hardest ages there is. I told my wife this two years ago. I go, listen, I'm a boy. Right. He's a boy. 13 to 15 is going to be hell for us. Yeah. And I was, and I was hoping that I could be wrong. Like he's a different, but he's me.

Oh boy. Every day he's a different person. Every day I'm dealing with a different. And now he's starting to like have logic. And it's actually. So he's smart too. Yeah. Makes it even harder, you know.

Yeah. He's starting to like say things that actually makes sense. And I'm mad. But then he makes sense. I'm like, okay. You're all right. That makes sense. You don't have to say to a threat your own.

You made sense. All right. I give in. I said right there. You can have your phone back. Sorry, I made a mistake. But I'm sure the school's great. I'm sure he's in a...

I hate school. But he's supposed to do it 13, isn't he? Yes, but he... Well, what does he love? He loves sports. He loves... He loves wrestling, jit-soo, you know, lacrosse. Lackross.

Hates school. Fucking hates it. Okay. Well... Hates it. And he had to go into the special ed thing. Right. And he's like, I'm not fucking doing it.

Oh, we just refused. I'm not going in the class. I'm like, I get that. I was in the class in the basement. You know what I mean? With the fucking weight bench and a snake. Yeah. You know what I mean?

People who didn't know what the word interject meant. Yeah, but I'm fucking further along on the business than you. But look what happened to you. Exactly. No mother hate you. He has all the amenities. All the amenities. Well, but school, I think, tell me if you think I'm right.

School doesn't fucking matter. Let me tell you something. Well, no. Having. Are you a, you're a. a Trumper, obviously. I'm not a Trumper, but I'm not... You're borderline Trumper. Oh, God.

I'm a... I've been a liberal my whole life. Oh, okay. I voted for Obama twice. Okay. I fucking hate the far left. I think they're fucking nuts. The far left, okay. But the left are fucking held accountable. You should fucking get them in check. Take your shit together. Stop fucking canceling people. Stop being woke. Stop doing bullshit. Well, there's less of that now than there was. There is. Yeah, because people like me went over here instead over there.

No, that's true. We went here. instead of going that. And stand, staying where I was, I had to go like this. You guys are fucking nuts. Well, don't say you guys, okay?

You know, put me in that, although I'm pretty much, yeah, I'm a big mom dani freak. I work for the campaign. You like Mondani? All right, let me ask you a question

about this fucking guy. All right? Fucking guy. Let me ask you question about this fucking guy. Actually, I wish my mom was here for this. She'd sit right there next to you,

Bob. Well, that's the thing that fucking blows me away. Is that my, I'm from Boston. Right. Southside? No, Medford.

Just right outside of it. Okay? I'm from Boston. We're not racist. I would say, bigoted. You know what I mean? In a fun way. That's right.

You know what I mean? Very fun way. Yeah. Okay. None of us had money. Yeah. We're all fucking white, trash, poor, blue-collar people, right? So when I come to New York and I had a Jewish foster father for like three years,

I grew up with the Jewish culture. I worked at a Jewish camp. You know what I mean? Wow. And then when I come to New York and all this hating Jew stuff, it doesn't make sense to me. But it's not all because I'm done. But I couldn't hate Jews my whole life. Yeah, but how I can't hate Jews.

And now it's okay to hate Jews. But it's not okay to hate Jews. I know. It's really not. I mean, I think that this is... Oh, and you're laughing. I was laughing at the bit he did, which was, I've been trying to hate Jews my whole life, and now I finally get to do it. It's true, my God. Hey. I didn't appreciate it enough. Jew, relax.

No, but it's weird to me that... Years ago, you couldn't have said that. Right, years ago, I could have said it in front of a Jew. You don't think it's weird? The miracle was, it wasn't even Mub Donnie. It was the fact it's the first time I have ever seen my children on the streets, knocking on doors and banging on it's the first time

every fucking bro in Brooklyn was when he does live here this is no but you perpetuated you see D you do I was just a joke no it's not a joke though because you feel that

it's his mom it's exactly which is why she doesn't like it you had another reason no she had no no none of this people bitch about

Mondani when in the three socialists that just won and the reason why they won is because of that. They went and did the work. The people that... I say this all the time. I say, don't get mad

at him. If you don't like what he's doing, study it and be young and be exciting and figure out how to mount a successful campaign. Campaign. Don't get mad. That's all he did. People, he rage baits people so, people are so mad at this guy. Go on and vote.

Go out and go out and you should have went and talk to young people. You should have went and fucking connected with people. And you should have went on the streets like they did, they put all their fucking work in and got on the streets and got young people involved and got people excited like Obama did back of the day with hope and all that

shit. And he got everybody involved and that's what he did and that's why he's the fucking mayor. But they did take down the towers. I mean, remember that? Come on, you were there. That was DeSephano last night said. But it was grassroot's tower making. I moved to the suburbs when when Mumdani got elected. You know, it was an impulsive

thing, DeStefano said. I don't even give a fuck about the city because I live in. Well, yeah, no, why would you? Yeah, I just coming in and out. By the way, Brenda, I wasn't really, I was just hopping on Bobby's Jew joke, okay? The Jew joke went by past me. Because I'm so sensitive. I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed it. It was fun, fun moment. So you, it's the kids that I think is the middle. You really believe it was, you. Because you're an artist, too, and you've been in the city forever. Yeah, but you are. You're right. You are.

You have a creative soul. I would never call myself that. But yes. And you live in the city. And you want to see if this works. And I think that as an antidote to what I've seen with the money, I mean, my kid was, like both kids were in private school, probably a bad decision because we have no retirement at all.

But when that money started to come in in the late 90s, I couldn't believe. That's where I go, yeah. I couldn't believe the change. Because I couldn't believe how horrendous these people were, these grownups. The Jews? No, oh, sorry. I don't know what we're talking about again.

I didn't even bring up the change. I did. I'm sorry. I haven't been able to my whole life. Now I can. I guess they probably were Jews, but that was irrelevant to me. All I knew was that they were rolling in money. And that's what ruined the city to me. That's what ruined everything. Education, creative life, theater, comedy. I mean, those film comedy. Okay, comedy is still the only true art form left. But to me, that was way worse than Mundani in office now as a Muslim who brought down the towers. It was what money did to this town. Really, starting 10 years ago. I mean, I know people, oh dear, you don't edit this at all.

No. No. There are people out there who own seven houses. Yeah. I mean, excuse me, they own four houses in Hamptons. I mean, what is this that has so fucked up the world now? So let me ask you a question. So you're like, you want to burn it all down.

No, I don't want to burn it all down. I think the fact that he passed. that tax on properties that are worth over the $5 million of the primary residence was a great step. That's not burning it down. The way he did it was a dick move. What do you mean? He did it in front of the guy's house and showed everybody where this fucking billionaire

lives. And he's like, dude, they just shut a guy on the fucking head. And now you just show all these cycles where I live, you piece of shit. And I was about to put $260 million into the city. And now I'm going to take it down to Florida and give those fucking white trash redneck to all this money. I forgot about that. Right?

That was kind of fucking dumb. He tapped them. Guess what? This is where he lives, guys. Who was the guy? That was Griff. Oh, yeah, the hedge funder. Yeah, the hedge.

Bridgestone. But don't you need these people to live in the city? My point is, everybody's saying that when they put that. No, I never miss the old days. I have no nostalgia at all. You don't miss the 20s? I spend my life in Bushwick. Wow.

Okay, whoa. Also, Bobby's just fine. Such a low brown joke. Okay. It's true. I'm usually the oldest, and I get all the jokes. And now I get to make some old jokes. Brenda, you're going to be here every week.

You're the oldest soul. So, but no, what you were saying was is that because you've been here when it was bad. No, but she does never, she never is, she never misses the old days. No, I don't. I have no nostalgia. Oh, you don't? Oh, no. I am adoring this period of time we're living in now.

I love the 80s. I mean, I even, it's like you say love and hate for New York City. I mean, I love and I hate money. Don't get me wrong. I mean, I know people with money. I love them. They're friends. So the money is irrelevant.

Right. And then it's not. You know, I mean, when people are paying $80,000 a year for a four-year-old to go to school, there's a problem. There's a problem. When people are paying $8,000 a month for an apartment. Yes. It's a fucking nightmare. Yes, it is.

And that, I understand perfectly why kids got out and hit the streets and canvas for him. Because he doesn't believe in that. He doesn't. And he wants to... He's not a commie. You know, he's not a Muslim who, you know, pour down the towers, whatever, exposed to the towers. He did have a Muslim.

He did have one of those guys in the fucking crazy mansion. I mean, Leslie, what's that? Yeah, what it was like... Which did he? Yeah, yeah. You had a jihadi? He had a guy that was involved with some guys who... But here's the problem with the life we live now.

Yeah, yeah. When we grew up, this is what I miss about life. Five o'clock local news. When I grew up in Medford, you had local news. You only knew what was happening locally. You're so right. I didn't even know New York had problems. I didn't know anything about the rest of the world.

I knew about Boston and the surrounding area at 5 o'clock maybe. And kids didn't watch the news. No, but that's a brilliant point that it was living locally. Local. That you also trusted whatever news it is that came out. We're not going to know everything that happens in the world. We're not supposed to know about what's going on. I'm supposed to know about what's happening around me,

and then I can maybe do something or not. Right. When I grew up, news to a kid back in the day was punishment. If my grandfather was going to punish me, he'd go, sit down and watch the news. And, oh, God. Ugh. And today.

And the people were fucking boring. The news people were boring. Yeah. The fight, every hell, today on the, blah, blah, blah. Now it's some hot check. Do you know what happened today? Check in with the, Rossi report at seven.

I'm going to let you know what going on Lebanon and fucking Pakistan. That's right. Then she goes into 40,000 people killed looking like a bombshell from hell. Yeah, I don't want to know what's happened in South Africa. Well, Katona, I'm sure they have a local news channel. You know, you start your day like that, Bobby.

Bobby's at the grocery store again. Nobody go. You see? Nails it. You're a mean person. They write about the Jews. Don't go. She loves the Jews.

I know. We all love the Jews. Yeah, from Montgomery. Didn't even go to the parade. Anyways. Oh, the Israel parade? Yeah. You went to that?

No, I wouldn't go to that fucking parade. Oh, Irish Catholic. What are you great? Your mother went, though. Oh, you're Irish Catholic? You were brought up by a Jewish foster father? I had a foster father, yeah, for three years. Ken Las.

What's up? Shout out Camp Boulchrest, Mosel Tov. Still talk to him. He's in Israel now. But he's Jews for Jesus. That's hilarious. Oh, is he really Jews for? That's a very funny joke.

I'm assuming that's... No, he's Joseph. They have Jews for Jesus in Israel. He's a Jew for Jesus. Yeah, yeah. Oh, and he's in Israel now. Is in Israel now? Oh, my...

Because he did the VIP tour, you know. Oh, let's not. What did you do? No. Why? You know, the Jewish... No, but I love that fund. Come on, you're on the Jewish camp hat.

Tell us the story. Exactly. The hat fits. There's a... There's a group called reality, which they bring in my in my previous life as a food influencer. They bring influential people in different fields to Israel. This was 10 years ago, though.

And I was part of the food tour. Right. For fancy chefs and food people. Was it great? Yeah. You loved it? The heritage tour. They have, they have.

What's it called? What? The birthright. Birthright. Yeah. This was just like a fancy birthright. I didn't like birthright. What was birthright?

Birthright's the free one that they bring. Oh, you get to the first right. Any Jew gets to go. And they give you more, and they give you money and stuff if you get married. I don't know if it's money, but they give you, they give you some money if you meet someone on the trip and you get married. What? Yeah, I don't know if it's, I can't remember how they reward you, but they reward you somehow.

Have you ever hooked up with an Israeli girl? No. Never. No. I have. What? Really? Yeah.

Wow. They're, uh, smoking hot. Just got out of the army. Hot. Hot stuff. Oh my God. She just all I can say. She had a gun for two years.

Very sexy. Very hot. chick with a gun. I had a cop once hooked up with a cop in Detroit. This was in the 40s? Callback. Very good. Time it was off, though.

It was a little late. The fact that you two are friends. Here's the problem is I want to be friends with that too. She's the best. What if I took her away? This podcast is never going to work. We're all over the place. We're laughing too hard.

I know. throwing things at each other. What if me and her become friends and then she doesn't to hang with you anymore and it's always me and her would that bother you? But he always looking for trouble? Is this like the boss and you can't help it? Would that bother me? No it would I I hate to respond in a way that's not funny.

You've been doing it. Why would you hate it? I thought that was your thing. I'm sorry. Don't apologize, you pussy. No, I want it because I don't want to hurt your little feelings. Oh, okay. I love that little feelings. Did you like that I threw that in?

I want to know a couple things about you. Do you want me to finish my statement? No. No, it's not needed. I go ahead, tell me. I would be, if you guys hung out one day, I would be excited. I would be excited about that. I would hang out with her.

She's my type of person. Yeah. Well, let's go to a drag parade in the East Village. I already went. I have a new way. We'll go together. They only have one a year. It's over.

That's true. You already did it. You missed it. So you write books. Did. Stopped. What do you do now? No, so I hit the wall or block or whatever they call that, you know, like Friendly,

It's hit the writer's block. She wrote one book. He's, of course, rich ever since. I wrote a book. Did you? Yeah. Okay, but this is about me now. You asked me a question, so I'm going to answer.

I just want to let you know that I'm an author, too. Oh, funny. I mean, I assume it's a joke book. No, it's actually a memoir. It was how to cheat and get away with it. It's funny, in other words. It's pretty good. With an Israeli who has a gun.

It has a subtitle. Whatever. Yeah, so I wrote for many, many years. What was it? What was your last book that you wrote? So I wrote a memoir. a novel, I wrote a biography. Then I wrote a travel book, which I think is

brilliant still, that I think had 108 rejections or something. Really? The novel also had 72. The novel never got published. No, it didn't. And that's when I gave up. It was like, I can't do this anymore. I mean, everything else had been published, but the process is exhausting and you're alone all the time.

I had kids, young kids. So that's when I discovered Jayce. No, I don't know. That's when I broke my bag. Yeah, exactly. Are you still in the hip-hop? Greatest, sure. I mean, not the way I was then, for sure.

I mean, I think, you know, as far as I'm concerned, there's Kanye and Kanye and Kanye. I mean, I think the loss, he's the saddest loss there is. Of Kanye? In the history of, yeah. Of hip-hop. He's a fucking genius. He was way smarter than you. How do you go from being that amazing to, fuck it?

Is it drugs? Is it fame? Is it money? No, it's the no editor. The no-ed-in-the-bubble? The no-ed-reeper problem. It's the no-boss problem. It's having, and it happens, it happens to the comedians too.

It does, yeah. When you don't have people around you going, dude, those pants stick or that hat's goofy. Yeah. You should thank me for fucking trashing that hat. I do. Oh, you'd go crazy. No, but anybody who ends up living in the bubble, this is the problem. I mean, it's also people with money.

They just have no idea what's going on anymore in the real world. And neither are to famous people. I'd love to be in that bubble for a couple years. So would I, actually. Have you ever had money? Yeah, I mean, yeah. Yeah. How to feel?

Well, good, until it was gone. It's the worst part about money. Which is the worst part when it's gone. No, I said when we did one of the pods, I said, you know, live, rich, die poor. That's my slogan. If I had to put it on a license plate. And that's pretty much how it's worked out. Yeah?

Yeah, but I mean, also living rich in the old days, you know, we paid 12K for private school. We didn't pay 80K in college. How do they justify that? They don't have to justify it because everybody wants in. Because it's a club, a bubble, you know, because it's everybody who looks just like them. I mean, that's the other irony, and then we're not going to go into this crap anymore. We put up a couple, we've done, so from the pods that we were doing together, there was this one clip that I thought was like the most beautiful thing in the world

where she talked about how she'd failed 10,000 times at all these different things, but it's really just taking the risk that matters and no amount of rejection matters, but it's just taking the risk, and that got about 5,000 views. And then we put up one where I said, how do you feel about martini's? and she said, great, and that got about $5 million. Yeah. I mean, it's not fair. It's not fair.

My acting teacher said that to me, 20 years ago, the fastest horse doesn't win the race in this fucking business. But I think that her understanding and appreciation of that the rejection is irrelevant, and it's actually just the fact that you stepped out to go for something. Can I ask you a question? How do you feel about martinis? Why, you want to pay some bills? Oh, very good.

You drink, you're a drinker. Not anymore. I used to get fucking, yeah. No, I did never got fucking slam like that. You ever do drugs? In the 70s for, I mean, Quailudes. Oh, the fucking Ludes? I didn't know that.

Great. Oh, my God. What is this lewd? It was like this was a dream, dream factory. Yeah, like Ludes were this thing that was like the best drive. And they're done. You can't get them. Yeah.

Leonardo DiCaprio walks around with a pouchful. Fuck off. Yep. And gave one, you know that movie, The Plague? Did you see The Plague? No, my brother would have seen it. Anyway, they're still around, but you've got to live in the bubble to get them. Really?

Yep. That's like, it's heavy. That's probably why they start doing the Quailudes, and the art gets worse. And the art gets worse? Whatever you're making gets worse. Ha! It could be. But it doesn't fuck up your mind.

That's the thing about Ludes. I don't know. What do they feel like? They say, yeah, that's what I'm saying, like Quailudes with this the best drug ever, and then they just stop making them. It's like ecstasy times 20. Yeah. Or, you know.

And it just wears off quickly? No, no, it hangs around for quite a while, I would say. And what happens when people do too many of them? Well, then you die. Okay. Because it's a horse drank, you know. So, yes, there were a lot of ODs on ludes for sure. No, sure, I did drugs.

But I've never ever, like, I have one drink, and it's a short shot, for instance, of vodka. You smoke weed? Never. Never smoked weed? God, way too paranoid. Really? You smoke cigarettes? Yes.

You still smoke them now? No, hardly. Hardly? Her great battle in her life is between her and cigarettes. The cigarettes are making a comeback. Well, isn't it ironic, though? I've noticed this on the street that people are doing them as props, first of all, because it looks so cool, which is a bad, I mean, means that's coming back.

It does. Yeah. And then I look, but I mean, vapes are horrible. They say vapes are hideous for your lungs. At least a cigarette, you're done, and you can wait a half hour for another one. A vape, you smoke constant. They're just taking it all day long. And you look like an idiot going like that.

A cigarette. I watch old movies and they, when they get a cigarette. I'm a big fan of Westerns and shit. And they, I love when they grow. What other sandwiches do you like? Can I say something? This is why he sucks at comedy? That's an omel.

That's an anomaly. It's an omel. And he's a food influencer. And he's Jewish. And he's a comedian. And he fucking. Oh my God. threw it a dumb ball just because he's greedy he got greedy he's waiting he had his own he had his little

passive aggressive twat mode going and he was just waiting in the little let's snipe one out and he got it another one he pulled the trigger and it went click and there was nothing it's an omelet you dumb dumb there's no western sandwich you know thank god and i'm dumb i almost went ha ha ha ha ha but i'm smart enough to know, I was fat enough to know it's an armament. Can I tell you, I knew, I knew when I said it. You just wanted to get it out. No, I knew when I said it, it was wrong and I was hoping that you would. You were hoping I was dumb enough to just take the hit. I thought that the hit would be so good that

you would kind of bling, you know? Nah, bling! Yeah, you'd do that thing. See, I can't believe I'm sitting at a table with him. Why? And you guys are having this thing that's going on. And I see him at Sesh, murder it, and kill it. Because he's He's so bad, I mean, because he sucked in the beginning. Yeah. He really sucks, suck, suck.

And yet, very funny. Sorry, I don't mean to keep saying that, but no, and he's getting out there. He kept getting out there. And now, you know. Yeah. It's not in the bubble yet. You know. Well, I was just, working at it.

I was just talking my therapist about this today, is that when you are new and you have, there's no expectations, except you suck. Yeah. You suck. Nobody gives a fuck about you. Nobody knows you. Nobody cares. That's true. What's hard is when you.

do get there. Right. And now you do have expectations. Yes, yes. And then of a sudden, and you got to hold on to that somehow. You know, there's only one way to down.

I mean, you know, well, well, the more stuff you get and the happier you become and the beautiful life that you create,

that will fucking sink you into that. You know what I mean? And then... So you're happy, you're leading a beautiful life. You're what are you in therapy for? I mean, it sounds like you're already... Well,

because I'm a fucking psycho for Boston. I still want to murder everybody. I fucking see in the train. And I'm trying not to... kill people and go to jail. I mean, I want to, I want to fucking snap at people all day long. And I'm trying to, because I have a kid, I don't want it. Who's 13.

Yeah. And he's me, which sucks. Because I want to, I want my mom to, hey, fuck face. Put that down, you fucking idiot. You're going to get killed. Go ahead, die. I don't give a shit. Gentle parenting.

Yeah, that's my mom. My mom will go, fall off. I don't give a shit. Save me money next month. That's my mother would say. I'm like, I don't want to. I don't want to die. Different way to live, you know.

Different, different world, which is great. I love it. But that's in me a lot. My wife will talk to the dog, be like, doodles, come here, come on. You don't want to do that. Those flowers, there's a bee in there. You get stung in the nose.

You don't want to get stung in the nose. I just go, hey, fuck face. Come here. Gentle kick. Yeah. But I want to be. I can't, you know, I talk to my, my wife is old school too.

My wife's old school. Is she from Boston also? She's from Boston, too. Oh, wow. And she, you know, her mother was the best. I was Catholic. She would not. She's a Polack.

Oh, really? Weird. Okay, but Catholic. Yeah. Same kind of Jesus. Yeah. But it's just a, we're raising him in a different. Well, yeah.

Can I say something? Yes. Sorry. They don't have. No, no, no. I didn't mean to cut you off like that. I mean, the way we grew up is we just went out. Yeah.

And we experienced shit. And we learned the lessons. Right. They're trying to prevent. them from even getting hurt at all now. But so are you. See, this is the thing. I mean, I came from a very privileged background.

You did. I mean, it was certainly traumatic as fuck, but, I mean, it was very privileged in the sense there was money and whatever. Right. You came not from that. So you made it, and now you're in Catona, and you're bringing your kid up in a world

that had nothing to do with what you remember. Right. Nothing to do with any kind of terrain that's familiar to you. Yeah. So the question is, to me, How's that going to work? No, I mean, that's a big change, I think, for you to go through as parents, for the kid,

who will never experience what you're talking about. Because you were really good at, like, there is some risk. Like, you always told your kids to, like, go out in New York and, like, get lost. No, I did not. You did not? No. I came from such anarchy that the only thing I was obsessed about when they were young was control. and that was a huge mistake.

Huge mistake. I had no control. My parents were so distant that it was beyond remote. I left home when I was in seventh grade or something. Right. I didn't come home until my 20s. But no, I mean, I was very fearful about my children,

and I was a disciplinarian. That's the other thing. I mean, my husband's Jewish. So Jewish men never discipline their children, at least not that I've been cultural. Why? What is that? They don't.

Yeah, it's weird. They leave it to the Nazi wife, and that's kind of what I. It was, I think. Yeah. So the fear thing, yeah, no, I wish that was Trudy. I wish that I had pushed them out there. I let my, like I came home the other night, my, I go, where's Max?

It was like 12. She's like, he's at the gym. He's 13. Oh, my God. I was all right. When is he coming home? I was going to call. 12 o'clock?

He was at the gym. Right. Yeah, he's at the gym. Yeah, yeah. As long as you're not out being an asshole, you know? And, like, I don't know. And he wasn't that way. I don't mean, he wasn't, you're sure he was at the gym,

he wasn't just saying that. And, like, was smoking weed or something? No, I have him, I have him on my phone. Oh, God, the phone. I know where he's at. And I just do that just to make sure he's all right. Yeah, yeah. I told my kid this.

I said, you're going to fuck up. You're going to do stuff. Right. Just call me. That's perfect advice. I go, just call me. Yeah. No questions.

No nothing. I'm going to come get you. Yeah. Just call me. That's all you have to do. Yeah. Cops, blah, blah, blah, whatever. Call me.

I will come and get you. We go home. Right? Yep. Yeah, because my kid's going to fuck up. I know he is. Because he's me. He's going to tell long stories.

Do you keep telling him that? Yeah, that's right. At least he's going to tell funny ones. It's a Western. I don't know. Too bad. I don't know. Oh, my God.

Too much. Yeah. This is a blast. We're not done, unfortunately. We're not done. I'm famous for the Irish exit. She can't do anything for longer than. The feeder.

What are? She doesn't like to be locked down. She doesn't like the idea of being locked down. I'm always the first to leave, obviously. It's abandonment issues from when I was a child. But I repeat them incessively. But I'm used to this thing. This is a blast.

Sounds like a compliment, but really it's a... She wants out. I've had a great time. I've got to go. It's fucking 8.30. I haven't napped or anything. 10 o'clock. What are you kidding?

We're going to wrap this up. Okay. But we've got to go to Patreon. We've got questions for you. You stay for that? Wait, you should throw some of the, do you got questions? Yeah. Okay.

The questions is the best. Yeah, the questions are the best. You'll be good at that. You'll be good. There are a lot of fucking questions. Are you kidding me? Both pages? I got one page of questions.

Throw your favorite question in the regular. You believe in aliens? Oh, that's a good one. Absolutely. You do? You do? Why do you believe in aliens? Because I believe anything is possible.

I mean, honest to God, I do. Yeah. Dan could even get funny. Even God is possible. Honestly, he can't even be funny when he's being mean to himself. I can't believe I didn't get a laugh.

He couldn't even get a laugh. He couldn't even get laugh when he said Dan could be funny. And we both went. Anything's possible. I said Dan could even get funny. Oh, we heard it. She didn't hear it.

I don't think. I didn't hear it. Yes. Yeah. Okay, I've gone. Yeah. Okay, that's it. Any other questions?

Yeah. What's your? No, I'm kidding. Hang on. We got to go to, listen, First of all, what's your book? I want to get it. What's the book I should buy?

The Nearly Departed. Nearly departed. The nearly departed. I love that you say your shit's brilliant, by the way. It is. That's great. If it had sold a billion copies, she probably... And this is your social media right here.

If she sold a billion copies, she probably... How many follows you got? I think when a book... 21,000. Nothing. It's great. For my age, it's great. That's fantastic.

I mean, you're a rich. I did one subway takes. I hate to say this. Three years ago, okay? I went from 300. 120 followers to 10,000. It's fucking great. I mean, it's unbelievable.

I want to know a couple of things. What do you hate in the city the most? The top three things that you fucking hate. Oh, that's a good one. Well, I hate money. No, you hate long lines. Oh, yes, of course. The long lines are a nightmare.

An hour and a half for fucks for yogurt. Can you fucking believe it? It's like, really. I mean, I'd wait in line, but not for yogurt. That's another. It's not even true. That's not even true. No, that I would, I do.

I wait in line, actually, now for yogurt, which is even more embarrassing. She can't bring herself to say it publicly, but there's Mimi's yogurt, which has the longest lines in the world. This is a really trendy frozen yogurt place, and she would always call me, text me, like, the line of Mimi's yogurt is around the corner.

It's appalling. How could anyone wait for yogurt? And then the funniest thing is she secretly waits for the fucking yogurt because it's so good. Are you that miserable, mumbling lady in line? Karen.

There's very, Karen online at Froyo. There's very little that, yeah, yeah, yeah. How dare, how, how dare you guys wait in this line? I'm just reporting on it. It's just, like where we start. Can I tell you what? I hate the city the most. What?

I hate when you're in a restaurant and the girls come in and they have the sing-song loud voice. When I'm in a restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is nice. And then they come, oh, my God. Anyways, this place, yeah, we came in all the time. And I just want to go shut the fuck up. You're talking to. You're talking this high.

You're supposed to talk this high. Yeah. And you don't talk like that. Nobody goes, it's like a gay voice. Yeah, inside voice. But don't make the sentences. Oh, my God, like, wow. I don't like singing fucking sentences.

No, it's weird. I don't know where that, where it came from. I'll tell you where it came from. Long Island? It's fake. No, Long Island, those broads. It's fake. Yes, it's utterly fake.

You know, the gay accent's fake. Ah. Did you know that? Hmm? You should. The gay act. It's true. No, not that it's fake, but they all speak it.

It's an accent. Well, it's a dialect. It's a dialogue. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It's an identity thing. But it's like, form of identity. But can I say?

The funnest dialect out there. It's gay. Oh my God. Okay. We've moved from girls to gay. Huh? That was a butler? That was a butler.

That's kind of, oh my God. I think, when you, when you, but even like, I know, you start to imitate the accent of those who are around you. Like your register does change. Like if you move to London for 20 years, you would develop sort of an English accent. Oh, it would take me 12 hours. I mean, I'd be speaking.

You just assimilate? No, really. Oh, instantly, though. How is your accent in Italian? Are you, she speaks many, a few languages. Not only good. Just so many, yeah. I'm actually,

all right. How do you speak Italian? Why? That's all I know. Oh, well. Bobby very impressed He goes Give me a Westin sandwich

I hate you so much And I love you at the same time Is when they say When they come up and they say Are you still working on that Who the fuck invented that expression Who's working here I mean I'm not working

No I'm not I mean a $42 A bowl of pasta buddy So you're working I fucking hate it too You'll know when I'm done Because I'm gonna go like this Yeah that's right

Also working It's not like a It's not tedious Yeah Yeah, it's so bizarre. I'm trying to enjoy this. Yeah, it's rough. I'm almost through.

But, uh, it's annoying. I do hate that. I hate when they come up. And they, because it's almost like the, they look at your plate and be like, oh, he hasn't taken a bite in three minutes.

Mm-hmm. Let me get that out of his way. Fuck off. I want to finish every bit of this, you piece of shit. Leave me alone. That's a good choice is another thing that drives me insane when they say that.

Really? You think I'm fucking worried about my choices in the restaurant here? If you want to help me in the rest of my life, dude, feel free. But, you know, not when it comes to make it a good choice for an app. You know what I am? Really? So if you order... Yeah, but, like, wouldn't you want to know?

I would... If I was making a bad... They'd never do this, but if I ordered something and then they were like, that's not my favorite. If they did that... Yeah, but if they did that, she's saying the good choice. And when they say... Good choice, I'm like, you're fucking lying.

But sometimes they say nothing. Sometimes they say nothing. It's true. I would take nothing over good choice. No, me too. Good choices. Because I feel like you're just saying that. That's part of the script. Let me ask you a question.

Six and a half inches. Are you interested in, let's say there's five appetizers at a restaurant, like, or whatever, a menu. Are you interested in which items the waiter actually likes the best? You know what I say? I do this all the time. What's your favorite meal on the menu? Okay.

What's your favorite? What do you order? No, I know. But so you are interested in how they feel about the menu. I want to know. I'll ask you that. I don't want you going, that's a good choice. Because I feel like you're phony.

You just said that. I made that. the choice. That's what I want. So here's the thing that I do. If someone says that's a good choice to me, I will say, well, what's something that's not a great show? Like, what's something you wouldn't? Yeah, what sucks here? Yeah, because I need

to be relative. Like, whenever I leave a show and people are like, that was an amazing show top to bottom, I'm like, well, you're not telling me anything. Because did anyone do bad? Because if not, then I don't care about your bullshit blanket statement. Well, okay.

You do that at shows? Wow. Great show and you say I don't care. I don't care. I need specifics. If someone says that it was great from beginning to end, I don't go, thank you so much. I go, if we were all equal, then nothing was good. Because you might have no opinion.

You might just be happy to be out. All right. She's wrapping something in our ways to get the blood to it right. So we've got to fucking wrap this up. All, listen, first of all, it was great to meet you. Oh, it was. Thank you for coming on. I'm going to follow you.

I'm going to follow you on Instagram. I want to become friends with you. I want to go have tea with you. Talk on the microphone, you old bag. Wow. Disgusting. Bag. Because you didn't put the headphones on.

You can't hear. Well, he's not wearing it neither. Yeah. I don't care about him as much as you. That's true. He's a professional. Oh, right. What an honor.

I want to hang out with you. He's a professional. I'm going to hook up with you. I'm going to go get lunch. No, we'll DM. Well, take him. I want to take him. Can all three of us.

I'll go to lunch. We'll go. We'll go. But just how it works. She's a number, I mean this sincerely. Number one coffee date in New York City. Ah, I love that. Number one coffee date in New York City.

All right, we're going for coffee, me, you and her. And then once we hook up, what is that? You smoke cigars? No, but you certainly do. You have enough of them there? How long you're planning to hang? I got a gift from fans bring me cigars. Oh, probably cute.

It's the only thing I do laugh. I don't do anything else except smoke cigars. There's nothing left. That's the only vice. He's left. He's smoked cigars. You don't drink at all? Nope. Sober since... Sober since... 40 years.

40 years? Holy shit. That's pretty impressive. It's pretty crazy. How long have been married? How long have been married? Yeah. And he's been carb-free for you for about... 19. Shut up.

Shut up. Okay, look. He's allowed. You're an asshole. He looks great. I said... Barbes and Quayludes. Bobby's skinny now, actually. Yeah, I got fat for a lot. You did.

I mean, I've watched a lot of your clips and laughed up feroously. In fact, I've even seen you line. He's funny. too. But you used to scare me a lot. This guy, you're an asshole. It goes from compliment to insult real quick. Why did I scare you?

I just thought you were really mean. I was. I used to be. Here's the thing. It's still in me. Like you were talking about before. But you got to bring it out of me. I understand?

Like I'm fucking cool as shit until you're not. You have to be triggered. Yeah, I get triggered. I do snap. Why? Do you know the first thing? The first thing I ever, the first way I was exposed to you in any way was from listening to Opie and Anthony when I was young. And it was a clip of Burr saying, talking about you.

And he said I was walking with Bobby and I was talking to him about something. And all he said was, and then left. That was the first thing I heard that anyone quoted you or any of your comedy was just a scream. Yeah. I was pretty angry back then. And Burr would trigger me out of it too. I remember one time I go, I just called him. I go, you, I said something.

I think I said, shut up, you cunt! I just screamed that. We used to physically fight. Well, he was an angry man. Yeah, Burr was angry too. He's got fucking rage. Is this you or me? Who's this? No, this is Dan. This is you, baby. Oh, holy shit.

Dan, what's your punch up, buddy? Punchup. Something, Daniel Janine. Daniel Janine on Instagram is the best. How does it feel to have that last name? It's actually, I think that it's made me kind of, okay, I used to think it was bad for my comedy career, but now I think it's kind of good because people, I have so many people, so many, occasionally people come up to me and they say, we saw you on a thing, we couldn't find you, and I think to myself I had to work even harder, you know? Okay, anyway, I don't know why, even though you kind of chuckled, I felt like it was a bomb. It was a bomb, but I chuckled out the bomb. All I thought it was a Western sandwich. You had a nice hot Western sandwich Make sure you

Punchup.com. Live slash Daniel Janine. Daniel Janine. Check him out. He's going to be in Dallas. He's going to be in Where, Bloomingberg? Bloomberg.

A lot of breweries on there. We're doing good. Yeah, make sure you check him out. He works at the cellar. He's actually really fucking hilarious. I've seen him do his stand-up. I didn't know how, when I first watched him, I was like, I hope this is good

because I like him on the podcast. When did you watch me? I watched you over at the, VU one night. Really? Did I, did you tell me that? I did. I actually complimented you on it.

We talked? God damn it, dude. You suck at taking compliments. I don't believe you. I mean, I believe you. I mean, I just,

I walked up to you, dude, let me just tell you something. If you came up to me at the cellar and you were like, hey, I thought you were actually really good, I would,

I just feel like I wouldn't, I wouldn't forget that. It was over here. It was over here. I came over here, I could do it. I saw you, I didn't stay the whole time.

I didn't. Sure, sure, sure, sure. I mean, you were fucking doing good. Okay. From front to back, you did good. So you did watch the whole thing. I did. All right, make sure you check out, and your Instagram is...

At Brenda's idioms. All right, Danny, what are you got? Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff, and come see me in St. Pete, Florida, at Sunshine City Comic Club August 14th and 15th. Joe, what are you got? Hey, this is Joe Russell. Speed up.

Go to Instagram and go to Jokes Russell. That's it. You're such anti-climicry. As soon as you're done, it's like dead air. All right, listen, guys, we are going to go to Patreon right now. We go to your questions. We're almost done. Stay right there.

Let her know. Two more seconds. Five minutes. 20 minutes. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Five and a half. This is such a joy because it's always me who's holding her long.

Look at me. Experiences, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Experiences. What have I been doing? One of the best of my life up here. Listen, Mama. I don't want to ruin it.

I love you, baby. You won't ruin it. We're going to patreon.com. slash Robert Kelly. Make sure you subscribe to YouTube. We'll see you guys next time on you know what, dude.