Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #647 | Jeremiah Watkins, Mike Feeney, & Caitlin Peluffo

Episode Date: July 12, 2026

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Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKW. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school back in the day where it all started. People's fun and crazy. This isn't NPR. That's the original. What's up, everybody? What's happening?

It's Robert Kelly. We're back. You know what, dude? I don't know if this. This is recording. I don't know if we're going to get this on tape. This might just be for us in this room tonight. But hopefully the Patreon's watching.

Hopefully you guys are watching on YouTube. And if you are watching on YouTube, make sure you hit subscribe, like, share, comment, do all that shit. It costs nothing. And you guys are so saturated with free shit that you don't do it. So do it. Make it like a one of those things where you, you know, you give something away for free. What is it? Pass it on.

Pay forward? Paid, that movie would Jay Moore. I was like, take a penny, leave a penny? That too. Yeah, Bobby's literally never done it so he doesn't know the experience. I literally do it all the time. But I don't tell people because that's the part of it. So now you made me tell people.

Well, that's the humble part. It was the humble part. Bobby's got his name on a hospital. He just didn't want you to know. Make sure we're going to Patreon. I told you enough to tell you. Sorry, I just so proud. It's urgent care.

To City MD. We're going to go to Patreon later. So if you want to be a member of that, ask questions. We have questions from the Patreon. Go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. If not, make sure you subscribe to all these guys' stuff that's going to be on tonight because that's how you support the show.

We have a great show tonight. Joseph, who do we have? Hey, we have from his got a new special called Crazy Pizza. It comes out on September 10th. Guys, we have Jeremiah Watkins. On YouTube, coming out. Hey, hello. We don't applaud on the show.

Oh, okay. No, it's not Mark Marins. And then he has a podcast, really funny podcast called Co-host Wanted. Guys, we got Mike Feeney. Mike Feeney. I got to be honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It seems rude to me.

You guys send the trend for me. I'm like, I'm going to feel weird just staring at Feeney after his credit. No headfish. I do no headphones. That's pretty cool. He doesn't wear headphones. I don't know why. You never wear headphones?

My ears get hot. I just warm on the bonfire. You're lit on, you know, more comfy without him. All right, who next? And she. is a finalist on Funny A.F. Ladies and gentlemen, Caitlin Palufo. Woo!

Wow, he's not clapping. You don't have to clap for a woman. Okay. I was wondering what this podcast was going to be like. This is an alpha male podcast. Here we go. Okay, got it. We were talking about Austin.

One weekend. And he's just like, fuck these bitches. They're only good for holes. Before we launch, I know you have a hard out, but before we launch into... Wait, who's podcast? Is this a show podcast? Shut the fuck.

I want to bring something up about your podcast, this podcast. Okay. I want to know who the person is. Who, was it one of you guys? Who was texting me today? Probably Danny. It was Danny. What happened?

Okay. Because the way in which, I've sent this to three people and all of which are like, this is insane, because it made me very angry. They sent me a confirmation text. Okay. Said, I'm confirming you for doing YKWD 830 today. Yeah. I gave it the thumbs up emoji.

Yeah. An hour and a half later, I get a question mark. A single question mark sent as a text. Okay. That's annoying. Blood Red Med. Yes. Blood Red Med.

Blood Red Med. That's because you're a fucking Mick. Yes. Yeah. The single question mark, it's basically being like, hello? Like, am I supposed to be like, yes, I'm going to be there? And I'm very excited. And I can't, what are you supposed to say to that?

I said, see you there at 830. I confirmed it. I confirmed it with the thumbs up. How about this? Lazyest way to do it. How about this? I was busy. It was a busy day.

Well, he was busy too. He gave you a question mark back. You gave a thumbs up. He gave you one thing back. It's like, I'm confirming you for this. This means yes. And then what do you do? And then that's it.

I don't have to do anything else. And then you put the question mark back. Put it back on him. Oh, I should question. Ask you to say. Question mark him. I just wrote, I wrote yes without even a period. Question mark.

Yes. But I showed Norton down. He's like, that's unforgible. Yeah, well, he's a psycho. Why would you show him anything? Everything makes that guy. Sagelow was like, that's crazy. Well, he's another.

Yeah. Welcome to every comedian you've ever known. Cannon, a very mellow guy. He was in the group chat. He didn't write back. Of course, because it didn't bother him. It would have bothered him. And yeah, he would have bothered him.

And yeah, he would have bothered him. And yeah, he would have bothered him? What? Have you seen his eyebrows? Anyway, so that was infuriating. I was hoping someone would be near a beautiful. I was going to say, I was in, Danny. Had to be Danny.

Danny came with me to Austin. He featured for me. And let me tell you something about this little fucker. He was doing like six shows at night. At one point, I think it was Saturday night. He goes, he goes, be there at eight. I go,

no, Sunday night, he goes, I'll be there at eight. I go, it's eight, the show's at eight. Yeah. You cannot. You're on stage at eight. You cannot,

you have to be there as the feature act before the show starts. This is your first time working a major club. You don't show up at eight. What if the host doesn't show up? You're they, nobody cares that you're there. You're there as a piece of the mechanics of it.

You can't show up at eight. And he goes, I'm sorry, you're right. I was going to do a spot. But I'll be. I'll be there. I'll be there now. I'll go there now. And I was like, great.

He goes, what time are you going to be there? I'll be there at eight. See, I'm noticing a pattern of disrespect with Danny so far. That's two things. Now, what's your guy's problem with Danny? Go ahead and hear it out? I don't think I'd know who Danny is. I have no idea who that.

That means you're successful in the business. Oh, yeah, I'm doing well. Tell my agent. Yeah, he was... You have an agent? I love Danny. He's a go-getter. That's all that that is.

But you just have to tell him, like, you know... You got to be here for the thing that you're here. The main show that brought you there. Exactly. Yeah. But I do give it. He did one night he did six shows. You know, those are talking about Austin.

The mothership is like one of the main rooms, but they have so many, fuck. All within a block. I did Duncan's podcast. And we go down to the, it's right by the hotel. It's fucking weird. You go into a barbershop and then you go down the hall and then you go into a comedy, a hundred-seat comedy room. And the back of that is this awesome. studio. I'm like, you guys do shows here. He goes,

yeah, we do shows every night here. Like, there's shows in Austin. There's everywhere. Every, this shows, the creek in the cave has a show. Then Redbin has a show. Valvita Room. They texted me. They wanted me to, the Vulcan has a show. You can do six shows a night in Austin. Like these comics are... In one

block. One block. That's the thing. Yeah. That's crazy. And then don't forget the rooms outside of the city. Yeah. Cap Cities out. That's a major club. I mean, I can't believe how many spots he was doing in that city. Their comics have definitely taken over that city. Yeah.

And they've just put rooms everywhere. So if you're a young comic, you think the mothership, it's not that. It's these other fucking rooms that are people are killing it in out there, I think. I don't know. We had the mayor of Austin on the podcast. Well, I want to go back to the mothership again. You got to move there. No, I couldn't live in, I couldn't do it.

I could never do it. It was a great city, but I was telling you, dude, I was telling him earlier, too, I brought my family. And it's, they just don't get it. Have you done that? Have you done like a weekend where? Yeah, I've done. I brought him with me. I did it, the Key West and then off the hook up to side splitters.

And then from the Key West to off the hook was, it's like six hours normally, but it was, when I say torrential Florida downpour in the summer the entire way. It was eight hours. It was an eight hour drive of white knuckling on that single lane alligator alley drive. And then, oh, and, and less than 10. 10 minutes into the eight hours, my kid threw up all over the back seat, all over the car, seen all over himself. So all over the rental car. So the whole car smelled like puke.

And so it was like, it was just, and then I had to perform that night. It was just one of the worst. This is the problem is that they don't understand the, that they think what we do is not a big deal. Like, it's easy. Yeah, yeah. Like going in and doing an hour at a club. Work an hour a night. And people know you, don't know you.

Doing that hour, the stress that bleeds up to that fucking hour. and then you do it and when you're done you're literally and then you have to go back to a hotel room and tiptoe around because everybody's sleeping by the way

that's the thing that no one talks about it's sneaking back into your own hotel room with your family sleeping and every hotel door in America it's like it's like that door in saw that slam shut none of them even if you try to turn it does that like

noise that just wakes everybody up it's a rape door yeah it's a nightmare it's a nightmare It's the fucking, listen, I'll say this, I love it, I love my family, but it's the most, every day you have to do something. You can't just wake up, you have to go to breakfast. I don't want to go to fucking breakfast.

I want to wake up and not eat breakfast. I want to eat at four. I don't want to eat, but you have to go, let's find a diner. And then you have to find the things. Every day I had to find a place on Yelp. We had a fucking Uber or take a school, and then go there, and then come back, and then there was lunch, and then we were going here. And then we had to go to this place and that place.

And then I got to go do the show at night. And then after the show, I have to shut down everything. It just tiptoe back into this place and sit there like a monkey. Thank God my kid's 13 now. And he was up when I got home. He's like, hey, you want to go get some tacos? I was like, no. I will because you're here.

I feel like the move is like you do, you have them fly out. You extend your trip and have them fly out at the end. You know what I mean? Well, here's the move. No. Yeah. And we'll go on vacation together. That sounds expensive.

Well, that works too. Yeah, I mean, he's doing all right, you know? Like when I used to do Rubber Rays. Yeah. Yes. That's another one. Well, that's another one. Like, you guys get to go and fucking go enjoy your life.

Yeah. I have to go do this show from this time. I have sunstroke. I'm going to bomb. It's like I'm, I've been drinking all day. So I'm. Yeah. There's a fucking nine-year-old knee front row.

Yeah. Go through my act and take out twat, cunt. Shit, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. It's taxing. I like going on vacation and doing vacation. But because of what we do, they get to handpicked a little,

maybe we'll come to Key West. Yeah. Key West is good. That sounds nice. It sounds nice. Oh, we'll go to Austin. I'm fucking exhausted. The Key West, because I was just there.

I took my family to Key West. Earlier this year, the Key West thing was another one of those stressful trips. This was just going to Key West and nowhere else, but we were in Key West. Like, I had other family from Florida that came down. So then it's like you're going to have like six or seven family members come to the show, which already, I don't, that had so much stress for me. Then they're like, let's all go out to dinner before your show.

Then we're out to dinner. I'm like counting the minutes until I have to leave the waiter. Everyone's taken forever. Everyone's taking the time. Then my wife is like, I lost the key to the condo. Like I don't know where the key is. So I was like, so then I have to like. Like a physical key? Yeah, there's like a physical

it's like a comedy kind of so I like she lost the key and I was like so now I'm trying to message Tom Dustin being like, hey, she lost the key and he's like trying to seat people for the show. And I'm just like so fucking stressed. I like to roll into a club and I don't, what do you need nothing? Yeah.

I want water and I just want to get in here. I don't want to have, I don't want to be talked about it when I leave. Oh, the thing and that. Oh, yeah. Oh, you hear about Bobby Kelly. Yeah. Brought his whole family. Yeah.

Because you know they fucking ask. Ask if they could do guest spots. Yeah. Yeah. It's a fucking. It's the greatest thing ever. but it's a nightmare when you have to do shows. Because then I go, fuck it.

I'll just, I'm going to do my show. You got to go through that mental thing. Every time I perform, I feel fucking, I get crazy. Every show, I've been doing it for 30 years. I still have to write everything out. I have to get everything. I have to see it. And then I get, and then let's go.

And then I do it. And then when I'm done with the show, I feel great. I feel fantastic. But I want to just fucking do nothing. I want to smoke a cigar. But no, I got to wake up tomorrow because we're taking a ride into the, fucking desert to go look at some shit

that I don't want to fucking do, but whatever. Do you guys talk to people before sets? Or, Caitlin, are you like, you need space? Like, you know how some people can talk right before they go on? I don't want anyone to look at me. I'm zoning out on my phone. I'm usually playing some Tetris game. Gotcha.

And then I'm writing out my set. I'm like, you have to see it all. Put it all in order. I write it out four times. And then I put one of them in my back pocket. Yeah, I do the same thing. And then I don't want to talk to anybody. And then in between, there's always that very excited host

who's just like, well, Do you have any advice? And I was like, no, I'm not even good at this. What are we doing? This is so hard. Get out of here. Quit, go into real estate. I love when the middle of it gets off.

How was it? Great. And you're like, oh, fuck. You know what I actually don't like is on the way if you are passing by the feature? And you go, how was they go, not good? You have to do an hour or no? What are you talking about? Why are you telling me?

Lie to me before I go on. I want it to be. I do, no, I actually do like the truth because then it's like, If he goes by and he goes, that was the best crowd I've ever had my life. And then you go out and you're having a tough time right away. You're like, that makes me feel, I'd rather them know, be like, it's awful. And then if I get him, I'm like, see, and this guy didn't know what the fuck he's like. But how's this?

It's somewhere in between. How about when you, we're listening to him. Happy media. When you listen to them, have a mediocre set. And you go, how was it? Great. You're like, you're lying. Yeah.

You're lying to my face. I was also in the room, buddy. Well, there's people, there's comics, I think, that don't know how they only hear how they think they did. You know what I mean? And then there's the people who are like... Honest? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not delusional?

I, yeah, we were out there with Danny. He's so funny. I'm with my family. He calls me, I think it was Friday night. He's like, dude, I'm like, I'm literally, I'm like, what, what's up? I'm in the condo. I'm saying, what's up?

Dude, I just got my dick sucked. I'm like, wow. Danny, you're a star. But what? He's like, yeah, dude. I go, who? He goes, I don't know, dude. I was hanging.

out and this girl, this really big, atrocious girl came up to me. Atrocious? Big atrocious. Did he say atrocious? I think he said fat and ugly, but I said atrocious. I just moved into that. Well, he's a scholar. He likes to read.

He goes, I go, did you know or he goes, no? He's a misogynist with a great vocabulary. She kept going. She just wanted to blow me. She goes, I want to suck your dick. I go, did you let her? He goes, yeah. I go, did you kiss her?

He goes, I did. I was like, what the fuck? So, like, was she at a show? No, she was just, it's, it's that drunk street. And where? Where did they do it? And a little, a little nook? I'm thinking like a nook, yeah.

A little alleyway nook. Yeah. Where people go to. It's actually kind of a bigger nook. It was a little. She is a bad, actually. But I'm like, dude, I'm at with my, you know what I mean? What did you think I was going to do?

Like, dude, really? Yeah, yeah. Fucking, where is she? Yeah. Yeah. Me, me, that. Bring her up the condo. bro.

You think she'll blow Max? Yeah. Yeah, it was, it's a, it's a crazy town, but it is a, it is a fucking, I mean, so many comics are there. So, I mean, everybody that works at the mothership is a comedian trying to do, but then you're walking down and all these people that work at these other places are all stand-ups. And then I found out there's fucking like 20 rooms in Austin other than the rooms you know about

that people are working. So they, I mean, those comments. comics, man. And they're pretty funny, man. I mean, they're pretty good guys. Like, you know, you can tell when you go to, like, L.A., some fucking duds. Yeah. But the guys I met were pretty funny. And the girls I met, there was a couple girls that were hilarious, too. And I met a trans. Nice. Trans comedian. I feel like Austin's also the most, like the people that they're, and maybe it's because a lot of them are comics or whatever, but like they, if you walk down 6th Street at night, like, I feel like you, I'll get recognized in that city more than any other place in the world. Or even just the like, like, then like, I know who you are nod kind of the thing, which is like the guys on the corner here that are, you know, hawking tickets to Greenwich Village don't know, don't know who I am. You know what I mean? There was a comedy show. I remember that time you flipped out on a guy? I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were walking from Fat Black to make. I'm sorry, you can text, I'm sorry. No, it's my wife, I'm sorry. No, it was a really big deal, don't worry about it.

It's not a big deal. This is my wife text to me. So, we were walking around the corner from Fat Black to the McDougal, or, you know, atrocious black, I guess, as you were called. But as Annie would call it, but we were walking around the corner of the corner of the corner show, and you go, he goes, dude, are you fucking kidding me? You don't know who the fuck I am? I'm working this fucking club for 30 fucking years. You don't know who the fuck I am. He's just like, I don't know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I did that with Jay one day, too. We were in Times Square and some guy ran out. It was like, oh, my God, big Jay. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm looking right at his face. He said, I'm such a big fan, dude. He said, you're the man or some shit like that. And I just looked at him.

I go, really? He goes, what? I go, if you know him, you fucking know me. Right. And he goes, I know you, dude. I go, we'll fucking say something. It's so funny to yell to yell someone to give you a compliment

is the funniest thing Tell me you know me And compliment me You know me Show me your Instagram You follow me We're in Times Square one day Me and Burr and the guy said

He goes He goes guys best comics in the world Man you gotta come see the best We go who's there They go Patrice O'Neil Billy Burr Robert Kelly

I go Are they there tonight? He's like, yeah. We're like, okay, we'll be there. You fucking moron, you know nothing. Yeah. Yeah, it sucks. It sucks not being famous enough to where...

You can't walk down the street without being accosted. I hate being kind of known. And when you see something. I hear with this, you do something. Yeah, I do. Nothing worse than a cult following. No, they forced you to give your fucking resume. What was it?

I was on sex drugs and rock and roll and FX with Dennis Leary. I played Louis' brother. No, it's not. It's not it. Okay, well, let's go back a little further. Remember, Torgas. Yeah, I was going to say. Did you ever go see Dane Cook in an arena? Do you remember one of the openers?

Oh, that's you. That's you. I remember you. It would be so funny if they're like, that's the only place they know you from, and they've never followed you since, but remember that? Morrow. Ficked. Fagre. Yeah.

Fame is a bitch. Fame is a bitch. When you get it, it's so nice. Then when it's snatched. You have to keep, you have to keep, like, fighting for it. You don't just get it. And you just have it. Some people don't.

Everybody, though, like, for the most part, they have to keep, like, you get it, and you have to hold it as tight as you can, you know? I remember doing a show with Voss when I was, like, hosting some, like, you're one of those, like, Treehouse Connecticut gigs or whatever, where it's some O-TB, and it's me, him, and Florentine, and it's awful. They just did that last week. They have all the TVs on, there's horse racing going on, no one's paying attention to the show,

and Voss is just sitting there off to the side, and Florentine's featuring or whatever. and he just looks at me, Vosters looks at me, he goes, I used to do theaters, you know, and then just went and then just, like, looked off into the distance, and I was like, that's the saddest sentence I've ever heard. Like, that sucks so much. I thought once you got to theaters, you just got to stay at that level, you know?

Some do. Yeah. Some do. Some actually do. Are you cold? Yeah. Oh, we want to shut. Freeing.

Freezing. Will you shut the AC off for you? He's freezing right now. Oh, you are right by. No, we got some. I was like, I don't feel. I feel quite. I could see you.

I tried to hold it for a long. Fini was talking and you're just like, I could see your body. Oh, dude. Yeah, that's all right. He's cold. He's texting. He's got to go. He's got a heart out.

He wasn't texting. I wasn't texting. I was checking on the time for my heart out. We do have a clock. There is a clock. Great. Now I'm comfy. Yes, man.

Great. Sorry, I'm the high maintenance comic who's coming in here who needs things. I apologize. I'm taking care of you. We said right before the podcast, we weren't going to talk about Austin. And what we've been doing talking about for 20 minutes. Yeah. Sorry.

No, that's not what I said. I said, we should talk about it. Yeah, we tried to outvote them. We all said no, and you were like, no, no, we're talking about us. That's my first bullet point. When did you start Zinnon? Oh, dude, I don't know. I have nothing left.

Nothing left to live for it? It's like you're only, you do have a child. You get to drink. You get to drink. Yeah. Put my ass. You get to drink if you want, right? Do you drink?

I don't. Do you do drugs? No, I'm very... Do you play the saxophone? I do play the saxophone. I do play the saxophone, which is an addiction, I would say. Of course. It's so high.

You drink. I know you drink. I know you drink. I know you're out. Are you back? She's back. Hey! You quit?

Well, I quit to lose... I lost 50 pounds, and I did that. That's how much you were drinking. That's how much I was drinking. Jesus Christ. No, I also... Is that your liver? What the fuck?

How do you lose 50 pounds from drinking? You don't know how I drink. Were you drinking fucking like old moonshine or something? I mean, well, that I have had. Did you really lose weight from stopping drinking? No, but I also, well, yes. I changed my whole diet and I changed, I changed everything. I worked out six days a week.

I started bodybuilding, stuff like that. Right. And then, but not drinking, I lost 10 pounds within a month. No shit. Yeah, yeah. And now you're back. Now I'm back, but I know how to manage. I don't drink the way I used to.

I used to drink every single night. Every night. Oh, she was fun. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But now I drink once a week and it's literally at the same bar every single time. That sounds sadder. Yeah. That sounds like your...

Doesn't it? Doesn't it sound sad? That sounds like an old writer that had a hit book. Yeah. He goes back to the same bar where we... To recap for the magic. Let me just smell the old must. Come on.

Well, you were talking to me before that you just found out you had a fucking... You had a scare in your life, dude. A little bit. That was... That type of stuff. Yeah, I had my appendix removed. Oh my... Oh, my God.

...any weeks ago. Yeah. Had burst? No, they caught it in time, but I had a... They advised me to get a colonoscopy, and they found a nodule on my appendix, and then they tested it was pre-cancerous, so they caught it... Oh, my God. In time, so...

I wonder if the appendix burst if it would have burst the nodule, too. Oh, no. They said, had it burst, it would have been, like, very, like, horrible, like, toxins through... Oh, yeah, you could die from that. Yeah, you can just do it from that in general, but they were like, yeah, yeah, Yeah, if it would have gone on, like, and become cancer and then that burst on top of it. Oh. Is that just spread the cancer?

Yeah. Shouldn't we be getting colonoscopies, like, way earlier than 40? We should. Mine was early, for sure. Yeah. I get them. Yeah. I get them.

I have to get them. I have to get them. I have to get them every five years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I meant for the younger, like, younger people. I think it was, this is what they do. They keep, it was 40, then 45, then they changed it to 50. And now I think.

40 again. Is it 40 again? Yeah, yeah. I don't know, but it's the greatest thing I ever do. Yeah. Yeah, I don't drink a drug. Let me tell you something. That Michael Jack...

Propopole. Oh, God. Yeah. That's the great... Dude, I remember she went... First of all, it's embarrassing because you're naked and you know they're going to be sticking something

when you bump and your little ding-ding is going to be out. And all my doctor, who's a friend of mine, his nurses were like smoking hot young Indian girls. And I was like, before we're going in, I'm trying to fluff up a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Just nine, ten, I'm going to go. Just have a little hang a little bit.

I just know they would just make it fun. on in my ding ding, but was out. Do you feel like it's cold in here? Do you want us to turn up the heat? No? I think they were making fun of the fact they were calling it a ding ding. But I was living...

That's my doctor. Very good. But, well, yeah, you go 9, 10, 9, and then you just wake up. Yeah. Like an hour later. Yeah, no, when I woke up from the colonoscopy, I was like, whoa.

But if you're like, that was the best sleep you ever got. Oh, no, you're out, out. Out, out. Yeah. But instantly. and then you wake up and you're like, I feel good. Do you feel like you're going to beat it every single time

before you get put under? You're like, they're not, that's not going to work on me. And then it just, I don't know why. I don't know why I think. Every person in the history of anesthesia has had that thing where they're like, watch me. Yeah. I have a pretty high tolerance.

Anesthesia, I'll just kind of get off on that. With like, oh, you think so, huh? Okay. Like, yeah. Start from four, see if you can make it to one, you know? Yeah, but anesthesia. is different. Anesthesia, I hate.

Because that's like, that fucks me out. I wake out of that. Every time I've had anesthesia, I wake up like I'm fighting for my life. It's like, oh, you feel. Oh, fuck, time, man, please. Yeah, you are like, it's like, uh.

Yeah, it's a different, it's a fucking shit. I hate anesthesia. Because they have to put you out for longer. And that drug, when you're coming out of it, it's like, it really, it feels like I'm fighting to stay alive again. And then you're just saying stupid shit. And then you come out of it, and you're like,

I'm an asshole. What did I say? What was I doing? You feel like a loser. But that propothal, you go like this. Hey. Really? I swear there's no sickness.

Like when you, I come out of anesthesia. I'm throwing up. I remember when I got my stomach surgery, I came out of the anesthesia. I was just nauseous. And I was throwing up so much the guy in the bed next to me went, come on. And I was like, I'm sorry. I'm looking with anesthesia. And I was like, fuck, what a dick move.

heckled in the hospital. I got fucking hackled in the hospital. But that propothal, you go like this, all right, not. And then you wake up, you go, how's my ass? Yeah. Is it okay? It was so funny. When I got mine done, the lady next to me was like a little chubby lady.

And you're supposed to clean out the night before. You take this gatorade creamy stuff and you just, you clean out. But you got to do it at the right time. Because if you do it too late, you'll be shitting all night. You don't want to go to sleep because you're going to fucking squirt in your pants. Right. So you got to do it, especially when you sleep in the same bed as your wife. you don't want that.

So, and then you cleaned out, so there's nothing in this. So when they put the stuff up, you're good. I don't think this lady did the, because she woke up panicking, like, hi, okay, how was it? Did you find anything? Was it clean? Was everything okay? And he was like, well, there's a few, you know, did you take all the medicine? She was like, I tried.

I guess she had poop, and she was nervous about her dirty asshole. I don't think she took the... Yeah, she probably was like, this is disgusting. I'm not going to drink it. What are they going to know? Yeah. Oh, they're going to know. Oh, they knew.

Because this doctor was a little, a little bit, you dirty asshole fucking out. Just clean your bottle. It's also like, hey man, you signed up for this job. You know what I mean? You're the colonoscopy guy. You can't be complaining about poop. Yeah, yeah.

That is literally your job. You got to love it. Yeah. I know, but still, if you can avoid it, help me. Help me out. Yeah, yeah, of course. You don't have to have dumplings the night before.

Well, it's like going to a masse. and they, you know, if they're, no, if you're like, if you're like, if you're like, if you have like B-O when you go to a suit, it's like, be a human, you know what I mean? Yeah, like when you're getting waxed and then you don't shower before and the women are always like, you're so clean. It's like, oh my God, what are these women doing to you? Yeah.

I'm telling you, my wife used to be an esthetician, and she worked for this company where they did laser hair removal on women, and she said women are disgusting. She's like, these fucking atrocious human beings. They, it's like, it's truly my biggest fear. So every time I get a wax, I shower right beforehand. Yeah, she was like. And then they give you a wipe and you have to use, you have to really front the back.

Yeah. Nuts. Yeah, you got. Yeah, she told me some horror stories about women just show up and just, anyways. And it's just like, as soon as they open their legs, it's like, God damn it. Yeah. You dirty human.

That's before like wearing masks where it was like socially acceptable, you know? Because that would have been a nice smell blocker, you know? at least, you know, a little bit of it, I would assume. It must be weird, though, to have to get your cooch and your asshole waxed all the time. I mean, you don't have to. It is a choice. Yeah, I mean. If we're they legally obligated.

I choose to do that. If you want a boyfriend of any caliber. If you don't want to date a guy from Afghanistan, you're fine, you know. If you want to do a nice blue-blooded American, you might want to not have your asshole hair and your pussy hair connect. That would be gross. Honestly, I've never had a man complain. Really? Oh, well, I've got a couple.

Can you get a phone? Do you remember Doug? Yeah, we don't clean anything. We just let everything grow down there. We know. Whoa. Whoa. Does that bother?

Yeah, I mean, Harry balls are disgusting. I knew it. Yeah. I knew it. Don's been lying to me for years. That's the gotcha. a moment? Yeah.

I knew it. I kicked open the door when he gets home. Wake up, bitch. Yeah. She waxed, I don't have hair. I don't really have a lot of hair on my body. But I started getting little rogue hairs on my butt cheeks.

Like a little old getting old. Oh, cute. So she was, I was like, can you wax my cheeks? So she was waxing my cheeks. And then she's like, because I'm not done. I go, you did my cheek, she goes, yeah, but I want to get in there. And I was like, honey, I go, please. You guys are real close.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she was so. I don't think I would do that with my wife. My wife has never been in, my wife has never seen me shit, right? Or vice versa. If she's never been in the bathroom or, I think it's the single key to a working, a long-term relationship. I agree. When they're shitting, they're private, you know.

I agree. Yeah, I don't like, I don't even like when there's a little stuff. in the toilet when she's done. Take care of that. Oh, second flush. I don't want to know what you did. I don't want to know what you did. I don't want to know you're capable of pooping.

Yeah. I don't want to see a little drop. Yeah. Take care of it. I don't like, I'll like, eh. But yeah, she was because she was waxing your asshole. But that, that's her job. So it's not really like a thing to her.

Yeah, yeah. She's hair. She's sensitized to it. Yeah. And I remember she, she goes, I'm going to get in there. And I'm like, I don't want you to do that. And she goes, just let me get it. And I remember.

She said, hold your ass open. I go, you should never say that to me. Like, you should have never, that sentence. I go, how do you want me to hold my cheeks open? Yeah. She goes, yeah, just hold them open. I go, this is not. Were you laying down or standing up?

Or standing over her face? No, I was on a ladder. No, he's on his tummy. Yeah. He was on my stomach. She was just doing my butt cheek. Face down, ass up. And then she's, so I'm holding my ass.

she poured the hot, I go, is it hot, it's like really hot wax. Like, is it supposed to go near that part of me? Because that's a sensitive. My ass cheeks is one thing. But my whole, I would assume, has more nerve endings. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like a little more sensitive than my cheeks.

She goes, you'll be fine. When she poured the hot wax on my asshole, I remember when I screamed so loud. And she goes, you're a pussy. I do this to women's vaginas and assholes. Every, no one says anything. I go, it's hot. lava on my asshole that has never happened to me.

Cut me some slack, bitch. And then they put the piece of the cloth. And she goes, right, I'm going to count the three. And then she went, one, two, fwap, ripped it. It was the grossest. You looked at it? She showed it. She goes, look. Look at your filth.

Yeah, look at you. It looked like a caterpillar. It looked like a sticky mouse trap where the mouse got away. Oh, God. That's hilarious. But wait, did you... But when it grew back, it must have been the worst,

itchyest thing ever since they're growing into one another. So it's like... No, no, waxing, it doesn't... It just grows back, but when you shave it, itches. Yeah, shaving itches. Waxing is an issue. It's the root.

So when it grows back on a wax... When you shave it, the root, the heavy hair and the root is still there. So when it grows out, that thick... Root hair's coming out. Interesting. When you pull it from the root,

it grows back very light, like a brand new little wispy hair. Okay, wow. Yeah. I've gotten a Brazilian before, so I know. Have you? Yep.

Oh, yeah. You did? Yep. He's an ally. I did it as a bit on stage. On stage? At the comedy store. Wow.

I had my head out behind the curtain, and they did it live on stage, and it was so painful. Brazilian meaning from the front, under, butt, everything. How long did you grow before that? The butt, too,

in between the cheese. weeks? Oh yeah, no, they did everything. I would assume from birth. Good for you. Yeah. So I experienced it and it is, it was so painful, but they also told me the person who did it, they go, yeah, you're usually supposed to like shave it down a little bit more. So I didn't. So it was just like full bush just ripping out. They're doing the double yank. Yeah. Oh yeah, it gets caught at tugs. Insanely painful. I was like, she put it. She put it. She puts her foot on your thigh to brace her. Dude, it gets more of a poor tor.

It was brutal. Hearing the rip is the worst, but then when you feel that, but let me tell you something, when you're done and that air hits that clean fucking ass. Oh, no, it does feel really good. You feel fast. I mean, I kind of want to get my ass wet. Yeah, yeah. Highly recommend.

My mom also worked in, like, nail and hair salon when I was growing up. So she always had, like, the wax at home and stuff. So when I was a kid, she did it to like my arm or, no, actually it was my leg. It was my shin. She did it to one, which was very hairy. And I remember that. Like, it was like bleeding a little. It hurts.

Oh, no, it hurts. Yeah, yeah. The saddest thing, I've seen a lot of sad things in my life. One of the saddest things I've ever seen is that when me and my wife were going on vacation once and she didn't want to pay for a waxing because she did it. And she was just sitting on the floor in the bathroom on the towel, waxing. her own snatch. Wow.

And I walked in and she was just sitting there and I went, I'm, I never, please just, whatever money it costs, never do this again.

Baby, baby. I feel like I didn't, I didn't provide enough for you. This is the saddest shit. With a little mirror to point in. You know what that moment was for me with my wife? Years ago,

uh, we had, we started to have dinner at Denny's. And that was like a spot that like, I had always been to a comedian friends and then like before we even ordered we had our waters I go let's get out of here I gotta I gotta figure

some stuff out like I was like I'm taking like my woman to Denny's like during the day like it was it's not a late it wasn't like a last night right the only thing open last resort kind of thing I was like it was 630 p.m. I'm like I need to figure some stuff

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and important safety information. But now it's just fucking outrageous. The only thing, look, I'm not made of money at all, but the one good thing that I do that makes me feel good about my life is we can go to eat and I don't have to calculate the food like before I order it like I don't I used to have to go all right that's $39 this is we're getting an

appetizer okay that's I got fucking blah-mo-oh okay yeah no we can get the zucchini if you want but we can't get the soup too so we either get the soup or the fried you know I don't have to do that anymore oh and you would say it like that you wouldn't like in my head lie and be like you would be like, I feel like the soup's not that great. We should just get the, you know what I'm... Actually, I ate before I came. I'm not starving. You're not starving, right?

You just eat that out there. We have stuff in the fridge, right? I still do get, like, very... You got to check the receipt, though, like, before the bill. Which, by the way, actually, literally last week it happened to me, maybe only the second or third time in my entire life. But I've looked at the bill a thousand times, you know, every time it goes. And then we went out to Eden, and we were at this nice, that Alta Paradisio.

a very, it's like a very nice, like, five-star restaurant with my wife, I went out to it. And we got the bill, and I was like, this is like more. Like, they gave me the bill. And then when they brought the, like, signed copy over, it was like $60 or $70 more. And I was looking at it being like, like, the tax couldn't be that much. And I thought it was, and it makes you weirdly feel cheap where you're like, oh, I'm sorry. This said it was this. And now all of a sudden it's like a lot more money, what's going on? And then the guy was like, oh, let me go figure that out. And then it turned out that another server accidentally rang

like three drinks on, three cocktails onto our tab. In between when they gave it to me. It also could have just been the server trying to juice the bill. It was a scam. That's a fucking scam. Yeah. They do to raise the bill up. Yeah. Because most people in New York, especially at that kind of

a restaurant, they don't check. They don't ever check. Oh, they just pay. Yeah. I don't like to check because I'm stupid. And I've done the math wrong where I've accused them of fucking robbing me. I'm that's wrong and then they'll come back and they'll be like no no you did and then you do oh okay i didn't see that yeah i did that at chipotle earlier this i literally it like i paid for it and then i was like i looked at the receipt i was like thirty nine dollars for two burritos this is

like i'm like is this right and then he's like he's like oh i added a burrito i'm so sorry i'm like all right okay but i felt cheap though yeah and i'm like even though i'm like yeah you you think that they're going to be like, are you not good for it? And you're like, oh, well, you know, it's a weird sensitivity that you get. I don't know what it is. No, because people fucking rip us off all the time. People scam. I waited tables.

I never did it. But I know that there are ways to juice up that bill because most people just, most people just go, cool, tip, bang, see you later. I hate when they add the tip and they don't fucking tell you. Oh, yeah, you've got to be told. When it already says, I would do it. 15%. And then you're going to put another 20 on that and they don't fucking tell.

What I would do is I would circle it and then I put it down. It would be like, include it, tip included. Oh, you circle it for them? For them so that they know that this included. At good places that I served, they used to do that. But I also, when I spent four or five months working on an Applebee's, and that was the worst place. And I figured out how to add the auto gratuity option through the computer.

I wanted said, instead of saying, I love that you hacked the computer. Yeah, it was like, manager. Make sure that you're a main frame of the Applebee's. Yeah, yeah. All right. The chocolate lava cake. Yeah. Those skills could be used so much better somewhere else.

I'm going to make all black customers pay me. You could have invented AI instead. You're like, Applebee's auto-gratuity. I'm friends outside in a van being like, I'm in. But no, it was auto-gratuity. It was 18%. But then it wouldn't even, it didn't say gratuity on the thing. It said like service charge or something like that.

And the thing is, like, the one that I worked at was like right across the street from a movie theater. And it was, they had a deal the whole time I was there. It was two for 20. And so you would get an appetizer, two entrees, and two movie tickets for $20. Whoa. So is it still doing that? Also, how old are you?

Yeah. Back in my day, you had two movie tickets, two days. This was like 2011. This was like not, you know. It's a long time or not. Yeah, now. But like, but all of that to say, even then, that was absurdly cheap. and all the people that would come,

that would be like mostly teenagers trying to have cheap dates, high school kids, so they're like sitting at the table, just taking up the full section for an hour and a half before the movie, and then their bill is 20 total dollars, and they would leave a dollar or something like that because they wouldn't, they're not drinking or anything, you know what I mean?

And so, yeah, I learned how to throw that off. I hate all these new coffee places. They do this, and they charge you for the thing, and then they just flip the thing over, and it goes right to gratuity. And it says 10, 50s. and they make you say, they make you either say no

or pick one of those options. Yeah, or you have to type in $1.1. It's always a noise. I proudly say, no. If I'm going to stay there, I'll always tip. But if I'm just getting a coffee to go, it's like, no, it's already $6. Don't tip them.

For an ice coffee? Don't. No. I tip. I tip every time. Because I was, I can't. I have to give it all of it. But that's not a service.

But that's not a service. I don't know. I'm just, you know, I've worked on myself. I'm going to therapy. That's not a service industry job. That's a different thing. That is a service industry job. They're working.

They're getting paid. But they're not working for tips like a server and a bartender is. Well, why are they? They get paid less. No, but they're getting, no, they're getting paid minimum wage plus that. Plus the tip. Plus the tips. Like a server.

Yeah, like a server. Servers used to get $4 plus the thing. The minute they would get below the minimum wage and then get the tips. Well, now they get minimum wage. The service. Yeah, I can't not. I always have to give a buck. I give a buck.

I give a buck unless it's Starbucks app and sometimes I'll do the 50s. If they're nice. If they're tipping at Starbucks is also crazy. Why? They get benefits. They're getting benefits. They get health benefits. They're working.

It's like tipping the McDonald's guy. What are you talking about? Where? Starbucks. This show? Why did you get a job? I might have to. I was just in Australia and that that screen came up.

and they hit no for me and then had me sign. And I was like, whoa. And then do you want to tip that? Right. If they're nice. They literally were like right in front of me. They're like, no, don't worry about this. I was like, whoa, okay.

There's a new cheese steak place right here. Chopped. It's awesome. It's got a good cheat. Not Philly. Don't, I don't want to hear it. Candy and Coops. It's just chopped cheese, but it's really good.

It's right here on the street. And he did that because the tip thing, it just automatically comes up. And I was like, he goes, dude, no. I'm taking, I don't know how to get that out. I don't want, you don't need to tip. He goes, I'm taking that out. Because he goes, number one, it slows everything down when I'm fucking busy. So people are like spinning, type, and all that.

And he took it out. I love that. If they say that and they don't want to. Ironically, then you'll tip. And I'll be like, here's an extra. The reverse psychology of it all. Yeah. If they're nice, if the coffee shop person is nice to me, it's like, or whatever.

But if it's just a normal trend, what can I get for the ice coffee? Great. It's this. Then it's like, what are we doing? What are we doing here? Yeah, the coffee is what? unbelievably overpriced is where we're at. It's crazy.

The fact that they're like, well, ice coffee, we got a cold brew, so it's a higher concentrate. So we got to charge you $6 for an ice coffee. It's like, what do we talk? Have you ever bought a can of coffee? It's $6. I mean, I get an almond milk lattes. It's a whole thing with cinnamon.

Are you one of those? Oh, yeah, yeah. So if I'm tipping it, they earn in it. Okay. They're putting in the work. They've got bad risks. It's a specialty dream. Right.

I tip. When I go to Starbucks and it's fucking crazy, busy, and they got a fucking line in the drive-thru and there's a million people, I've left big tips once in a while. Really? Because if they give me, hey, how are you? And they're like, boom, and they're nice. And that fucking heat and that Starbucks fucking just craziness,

I've left a chunk of money. You know, cash, am I here? Take that for you. And they literally go, thank you. Yeah. When you tip somebody, and it fucks them up emotionally. Yeah.

It's like, it makes me feel good. Well, at Starbis, they also have to deal with the mentally ill. Because people come in, like homeless people unhoused, people come in and they use the bathroom. Dirty homeless fucking scumbags. They come in, they use the bathroom. They take all their condiments. They, like, they ravage the place. My wife, live in the bathroom.

I used to work at Starbos. You know, the sticks, the stirers? Yeah. She would steal those for waxing. Wow. Oh, for the, okay, yeah. Tip them. You work at Starbucks?

Yep. And Beverly Hills for two and a half years. Worst job I've ever had by far. Really? The worst people. Literally. Did they tip? Sometimes, you know, like there's a tip jar that was out, but it wasn't like, you know, it's not, the tip culture there is not as expected.

It's like, it's nice, but like then they just split up all the tips at the end of the shift. But you're getting your hourly rate kind of a thing. Right, right, right. Why were they the worst? The most entitled, the most people who think, who need their thing immediately, who you are like, like,

you're a cog in their machine and they don't care how, they need to get their thing that they're addicted to and they're addicts. They need it in their body for the rest of their day. So they're like, if there's any hang up,

they turn into monsters. So like if everything's going smooth, you know, like when like you see people's true colors where everything's going your way, you're like, oh, this is a really nice person. And then something like,

you know, goes off course. Then they like turn, on you and you see how they really act, that's like so many customers at Starbucks where I'd be like, that person's so nice, this lady's so sweet. I'm so sorry, like, we're kind of backed up.

Well, I need to get out of here now. Like, complete I'm like, Helen, she comes in every day. She's usually so sweet. What do you? You know? And I was, it didn't help that I was bad of that job, too. I was slow at making the drinks, and I tried to get better. And then after a while,

the girls who I worked with, they were like, If you just keep making us laugh, we got you. Oh, that's so sweet. I know they were angels. They're like, stay on register, we'll make the drinks. I was going to say, the slow person should be on register. Yes, yeah. But then my boss is like, you're talking too much to people.

I'm like, I can't win here. He's doing crowd work. Yeah. Hey, where are you guys, bro? What's it going on? You guys fucking? So I got a show. I would push tickets sometimes on people.

Did it work? I had some people come out. That's so great. I had some industry come see me way too early into my comedy career. that worked at like the big agencies. I was like, I'm performing. You want to come to my show? And they're like, all right.

Dude, when you left that in a right, when they left that Starbucks, I bet you were like Hollywood. Oh, this is it. Dude, I was like, I'm sad. I just told, I just told William Morris himself to come to my shoot. But if he was talented, it could have been. Whoa.

I said it too early. Wow. At that time, at that time. At that time. You've gotten talented. Don't on Velcro and then Velcro me back. That was like his answer. He's insulted?

I love that he said I had cancer. And we were just, anyway, Starbucks chipping. This guy literally just said, yeah, they found cancer on my fucking appendix. Pre-cancer. Yeah, that's fucking cancer. Gotcha. That's cancer. And you find, you know how lucky that he went in and they did this thing on him?

If you didn't go, and you probably wouldn't have went in for years. No, I had, and before that in 2015, I had, uh, stage two melanoma. Oh my gosh. On my back, 10 inches taken out of my back that they had to surgically removed. So you have cancer.

Yeah. You're a cancer's boy. I'm just a cancer's boy. Oh, no. Three cancers. Oh, come on, dude. For cancer's boy, great special thing. No, I've been very,

I've been fortunate to catch it a couple times. You've got to let the cancer grow first. Yeah, right. You have to die from cancer to have that special. No, no. Well, you could do the, you could do the, I'm going to die of cancer.

There was that there was a comedian, right? They got the special because they were like, I'm dying. Yeah, but he never died. I know. See? It was bullshit. But he got the special. He did get the special. He really did. I don't know who that guy is.

I know him. I went and visited him in the hospital. No. Was he looking like he was going to go? Yes. But I think the thing was, is I don't, what's hard about the situation is like, I don't know how the severity, like how bad it got, how quickly he went into remission. You know what I mean? There's a lot of stuff that I don't even know as like his friend. Like, I don't know the full details. And like, yeah, I mean, it's not on the HBO platform.

them anymore. They pulled it from, like, I don't know if it was a licensing deal, if it was a two-year thing or whatever, but, uh, no, it was weird because I had so many people that we, I used to Mike with that guy. So like, I know him well, visiting him, but I had all these people that are like, this guy's fake. And I'm like, I saw him in the hospital. He's pretty

freaking sick right now. Yeah, yeah. But also like, I don't know the, I don't know how, you know what I mean? I don't know the actual diagnosis and like everything on his. It must be such a weird thing to get a fan base from being like, it's like a, almost like a make a wish thing and then be like, hey, I'm still here, and then everyone be like, fuck you. Oh, no. Oh, no, I'm sure. They're like, bye.

Yeah, they're like, we didn't want a miracle. Yeah, that's like getting AIDS in 2000. Yeah, yeah. Special for it. And I'm like, oh, we cured it. Yeah. Shit. Sorry.

What a bummer. You got to go, buddy. I do. All right, well, listen, you got a new special out. Hardout. September 10th. Old hard out. Hard out.

Hard out Watkins. God beats cancer. He's all fucking whipped. up. Yeah. You got a new special out right now. Nope. September 10th.

September 10th. Right around. You can subscribe. Crazy pizza. Crazy pizza. Comes out. Why crazy pizza? It has something.

I mean, there's a meaning to it in the special. There's a bit about it and stuff like that. And also the set design, we, it's a 90s pizza parlor. That's the, the, because you love pizza? I love pizza. What's your favorite pizza? I mean, just flavors in general. One pizza.

Meat lovers in general. A whole meat lover pizza. Oh, I always, yeah, yeah. Wow. I'm pepperoni. Pepperoni, dude. It's classic, you know. It's not classic.

It's fucking the only pizza to get. Yeah, it's good. I like it. Last pizza on planet Earth, you get a pepperoni. I mean, you gotta get the one that bubble up. The hot boys. It's a hot boy. Hot boy, it's pepperoni.

Yeah. It's jalapenos and then hot honey on top. Oh, I love what you're saying. It's so good. It's at Scars. It's at Scars Pizzeria in Lower East Side, which is where I live. I'm telling you. You got to go.

It's best piece of sights in the city. I say pepperoni. I would do the hot honey. That's fine. But I want the pepperoni that curls up. I don't want the nipple pepperon. Yeah, yeah. The ariola pepperon.

I don't want the aunt's nipple pepperon. It just stays flat. It's like a salami. Yeah. I like the curl with the juice gets in the little pepper. Yeah, all the grease in there and it burns your lip. A little pool. Yeah, a little pool of juice.

I like that. The flat pepperoni pie, I don't know why it exists. I don't know why these people still fucking call it. It's more of a salami. Yeah, well, they're cutting corners. Yeah. What do you get? Pepperoni that doesn't curl up?

Why would you do that? No, it's silly. All right, buddy. Well, listen. You like the pepperoni cups. I like the original, the way pepperoni when I came up, there was only one pepperoni. It was a cup. It curled up.

And then somewhere along the line, they made a bigger, flat of pepperoni. And they stuck it on a pizza. And then they put too much of it on. And it's gabage. Gabargio. Gabaggio. Make sure you check out this new special. It comes out September.

10th. And stand up on the spot. Fun show. The best show. When that show coming out? Well, it's, I'm doing two in New York this week, and then I'm doing one in Austin on the 22nd. And then it's every second Tuesday of the month in L.A. at the Comedy Store. And then you're doing the one at Skangfest. That's right. And you've been on many times. Caitlin, I would love to have you on some time. I'd love to do it. I just did it at Moon Tower. Yeah. So much fun. So fun. Well, I'm doing it at Skang Fest. I can't wait to do it. I know.

You always. I'm so happy you caught the cancer. You get bits out of it because it's like it feels so free. It's almost like it's like new jokes, but you have you have less than nothing. It's like, you know how new jokes crowds sometimes they're like the bar is so low because they're like, we know you're doing new jokes. This is like, we know you're not allowed to do any proven jokes. So it's like and then they're and then they're, you know, they're shouting things out. So if you're able to be even half funny on the spot and then it always like your brain freefalls like without a parachute and you just, I don't know.

For me, some people really hate it. Why do they hate it? Because some comics, more like cerebral writers, and they're not good at, like, improv on the feet. They're not present. Can we try it right now? Sure, go ahead. All right, ready?

I'm the crowd. Okay, great. We love this. Yeah. Can't wait. You as a crowd member, you kill me. Yeah, just sitting like this. Yeah, just be amazed.

We don't clap for women. Something that don't clap for you. You have to earn my class. much more so than the men yes of course stop wearing hoodies you'd get clapped wow

well you don't work out for yeah turn it back on no he'll turn it back on yeah turn the AC back on we have thin blood yeah yeah cancer boy over here no shaky McGee

Jesus Christ yeah you fucking low blood cells yeah there we go it was gotten hot as fun it was so hot I was never cold by the way I was a perfect temperature. I was perfect, too, because he was blocking the wheel.

Yeah. He was really taking the brunt of it for all of us. We were like, you're such a pussy. His hair was blowing. I kept looking, and he kept looking at the AC, like, oh, my God. And I know when we do the, we do the regs. Lewis sits there, and he complains the whole fucking time. It is funny, too, because we went on that whole run about being, like, when you're

with your family, when you have, like, important shows and you need to, like, that decompress time beforehand and all that stuff. And meanwhile, it's, like, he has an important show that they're filming in, like, a half hour, and we're just talking about it. And he's like stressed and trying to do this. I'm like, get off your phone.

Pay attention. You're not cold. Shut up. He's like extra stressed. Very fun. I'm sad that he left because we had questions for him, but that's okay.

Well, I'm going to ask you guys. You're going to be him. Sure. You first and then if there's another one to you. Dude, I can't tell you. I woke up.

Why should I even? Why am I here? No, no, no. Because he looks like, he looks more like Jeremiah. By the way, I have a special. That is also out.

I have to say that, real quick. Okay, we're going to get to you. It's called prosciutto roast. It's out right now on YouTube. Why don't you relax? No, no, no, no. I got to do it. I got a plug.

I gave you the hot tip about the hot boys pizza slice. I'm putting out on Prasuto Rame. I got your special right here. Check it out. You don't. I know it's not on the little list. They didn't write it on there. Is that why you scared it?

That's why I got a little like that. I got to put it out there. I got to put it out there. What is your special? Where is it? It's on YouTube. It's called prosciutto rose. Why prosciutto rose?

What do you think it's about? I don't know. Your favorite pizza. Your wife's a waxer. Let's all put it together. Is it? Oh, I'm gonna throw up. It looks like it smells like a rossier version of beef curtains, I would say. I'm gonna fucking crot the fuck is going on.

Hide your boner, Bobby. Yeah. Is it really that? It's a joke about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not yours. somebody else's. No, it's mine.

Oh, my God. Why would I make put someone else's pussy? That's crazy. That's more insane if I was just like, and Deborah. Yeah. Yeah, but I think this

Bajudo has like fat on it. Yeah. It's also tasty. It's always a fendent. It's delicate. It's a delicacy. You need bread to have.

Better with cheese? It smells like cheese. Never. It smells like a rose. Smells like a rose. So the rose part is it's... It's necessary. It's beautiful.

It's necessary. It's necessary to add to the pursuit. I was with a girl one time, and we were fooling around. She was in my acting class. It's a little petite girl. Really, I don't know. She was kind of like a businesswoman or whatever, but we wound up hooking up in my car. And before we got into it, she goes, hey, I got to tell you something.

I go, what's that? She goes, I have one big labia. And at the time, I was just... I didn't even know what Labia meant. You know what I mean? I was just a young, 20-year-old kid. I didn't understand what Labia meant. And I was just like, I don't get a fuck.

Yeah. And I went down there. One of her pussy lips was like a batwing. And I just remember getting down there and go, what the fuck is that? And she went, when I told you, I go, that's what Labia is? And I just, I remember pulling it out like this. And I went, wow, that's fucking nuts. You just turned into a child.

A child exploring another child's body. I'd be like, whoa, can I touch it? This is why we need better sex ed in schools. But she just had one, dude, which is weird. I mean, I'm sure it took a lot of for her to tell you that. No, really didn't. No? Did you still go down on her?

Fuck yeah, I'm not a fucking asshole. Good boy. We think I'm gay. Come on, the weirder the better. Let's go. I was making noil. I wrapped it around the front of my face. I was like, I'm Batman.

When parasailing? Frew home on it. Yeah, I wrapped changing it. I made little purse. Yeah, it's weird. Vigina is a fucking nuts when you think about it. It's all nuts. Every body part is nuts.

And it gets more and more nuts as you get older. I think a vagina, though, it's like a weird, like a penis to me is. Kind of the same thing. It's just this little thing and these nuts, right? But a vagina is literally goes into you. It goes inside of you. Are you telling me?

Are you letting me know? Is that what happens? It goes, wait, where does it go? Inside me? You may want to sit down for the end. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lie down. You like that, wouldn't you?

You'd like that, wouldn't you, sick freak? No, I don't want your fucking whatever. Pursudeau Road. Out on YouTube right now. Everybody who will listen. Preshoot O'Rose. I'm fucking your Albanian boyfriend to beat the shit out of it.

Oh, I'm single. What did he say about your vagina? You know your vagina reminds me that my mother's, that's why I love it so much. No, it is. You got to admit, like, a vagina, like, okay, dude, I know you with your wife, but you've seen a lot of vaginas in your life, right?

Okay, well, maybe you haven't. I have also, I have the internet. No, but when you're with a vagina. Yeah. When you're there. Sure. It's a, have you ever, like, been in the light and looked at it and opened it up and kind of got into it? Like, done exploring?

I mean, I guess, yes. Are you Spalonging? What the fuck is happening? What are you doing? Are you? You're repelling in? Are you a doctor? I picture with a little, like, head flashlight.

Yeah. I'm just saying it's more of a thing to deal with. Then what we have is, like a penis is just, it's just there. Nothing can really get inside of it. It's protected. A vagina, it goes into them. They have to, there's so much more work that goes into having a vagina and keeping that regulated, almost like a pool.

You know what I mean? Can't you get like some type of weird shock thing? Toxic shock. Yeah, there's so many things that can happen. And it goes into them. And then our stuff goes in them. and we're still protected. You know what I mean?

You're like a guy who just did like mushrooms. Or you're like, you're a guy who just got stoned for the first time. You're like, put the whole way that we had. Women are people. What the fuck? Bro, man. You go in a vagina, man. Yeah.

Like space, man. Do you ever see travel to the center of the earth? Gaze into the everlasting void? That's a funny thing. If I had a vagina, I would fucking look into it. Like, I would, like, get a mirror and see what it looks like. Yeah, we're sort of. We're told to do that.

Oh, really? I think that's a very normal part of... I didn't know that. Women are told to look at it? Yeah, because you... That way you feel any changes. Because a lot of cancers have been there, and it spreads faster because women are ashamed

and so they don't look at it. So they want you to take a mirror and look at it to see if anything changes so you can tell your doctor. Women are ashamed of their vaginas. Absolutely. We're told to be ashamed of our vaginas. From who? From everybody, society.

Who would... You just went on saying how gross vagina... I did not take gross. I did not say gross. You literally went, when I said prosciutto rose. I said your vagina's gross. It is not,

and I will not let you shame me about my persuto rose. I've never seen it. It's probably beautiful. It's fine. You get it at a fucking Hilton Express in the morning. I'm a Hampton Inn girl. She gets a free breakfast. Fake eggs.

I hate that breakfast. I know. I opt for the points. What? Yeah. The breakfast is all. awful. Where? Any Hilton, any of those Hampton end, it's all, it's that fake powder day.

It's not real eggs. The sausage patty, like, rubber. The AC Hotel, though? Good breakfast. They have brisuto. Come on. That's why it's good. A little gabagooopo.

Don't call it a gababal goop. You're going to ruin five sandwiches. Good. You can never order an Italian combo ever again. You add 13 years onto his life I mean you live longer Your heart thanks me That's actually what she's doing

Is like spreading awareness And helping men get off of salty meats I'm gonna gabagob Is you special about your vagina No it's just one bit is But I do talk about like dating And then I also went through a breakup A bunch of this stuff

Oh you broke up at somebody? Yeah yeah yeah I was engaged You were engaged? Yeah. A comic. I don't know him. He's done this podcast. You know him.

I do know him. Yeah. You want me to write it down? Yeah. Okay. Well, you can't say it? I don't know if he wants me to save it. Say it.

Steven Seagal's been on this podcast? Absolutely. Oh, I love him. It's hilarious. Camera slowly zooming in. That's so funny. I love him. I love him.

I love you, too. I did at one point. Yeah. I did. He started calling the probable goal. She loved him too. Almost enough. Well, I mean, that's crazy.

But at least you didn't get married. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's for the best. He's thriving. We're thriving. I'm thriving. It's all fine. That's great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you, let me ask question. Because I have a rule my whole career and never dated anybody with a headshot. Oh, smart. Great rule. Yeah, because it's, I believe there's only room for one drama mama in a relationship. And when there's two, it fucks things. Especially in comedy.

Yeah. It fucks things up. People who, I mean, look, I mean, Rich and Bonnie, I guess is successful. There's some, yeah, I mean, Bonnie's slowly turning into a dude. But I mean. There are certain people,

there are exceptions to the rule, but it is staggering to me to be like, I would assume if I was in a relationship with another comedian, it's like, if she or I were like, oh, I have 15 spots this week, and you're like, I have one, you start being like,

like, there just becomes, and then, What if one person, the worst case scenario, what happens if one person wants to quit comedy? And then it's like, can I quit? Am I a failure? Are they not going to like me? It's like the complications of that feel. I felt that way when I was young and dating.

But now that I'm married, if Dawn, it was like I'm going to do, if Dawn, I'm going to do stand-up and became really successful fast, I'd quit this business in five seconds. Sure. I would fucking stand. And I'd never ask her to go away on trips. Like, go enjoy yourself. Have fun. Go get finger-backed.

I don't care. Right. I'm staying home with Max. But, yeah, it's... But if both of you are on the road, that's the worst. Because then it's like, especially if you want to have kids. I'd hate it. If my wife came home and, hey, I got this bit about you.

I'd be like, go fuck you. Yeah. That was the best part. What? Just having, like, a little bit buddy. A bit buddy? But then you get... Then you do comedy long enough and then you're like, oh, I just want to...

I don't want to talk about comedy. You want to come home and just be a human being. Yeah. Yeah. At the beginning, it's all fucking shits and giggled. Very fun. Very fun. When you're both doing open mic.

Yeah, hit up. Right. And, like, Connie's still new and exciting. And then now... Because you popped off for a minute, too. Right? For a minute. She's popping off now.

Bitch. She has a new special right now called Meekertons. What's it called? That's so funny. Pupped off for a minute. I know you're popping off now, but I'm saying you popped off on the TV show. Yeah. That fucking blew you up.

It was like six weeks ago. I mean, literally, it is... Remember those years ago when you were blowing up on Netflix? How does that? time work for you. I don't know who you are. That, I know. But you know who this is.

He's a great guy. Is he doing okay? I don't know. I haven't talked to him. I'm sure he's doing great. You don't talk anymore? No. Not at all.

Does he have, have you heard if he's got bits about you? I'm sure. Yeah. Yeah. I heard I get pretty toasted. Yeah. That's fine.

Whatever. His new special is called meat curtains. It's called I hate meat curtains. Yeah. I hate meat. I hate prosciutto. Yeah, yeah. Italians are gross.

So are you full-blooded Italian? No, half. Half what, Irish? And then the other half. Well, my dad is Italian and my mom is a little bit of everything, but mostly Irish. Yeah, your dad's a full Guinea? Full Guinea. Yeah.

Where's he from? Genoa, Italy? Oh, well. San Francisco. His parents are from Genoa. What the fuck? I don't ask for you a history. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're from San Francisco. I'm from San Francisco. Really? From Genoa. Yeah. I thought you were asking. You asked if he was Italian. And they're still together, everything good?

Yeah. Do you go home to see them? Yeah. Like in a tag, did they have Sunday sauce and all that shit? My dad, he likes to make, he likes to make polenta. He likes to make ravioli. He does yokey, he does all the pasto. Was he sad when you broke up with your fiancé?

Uh, no. I think. He was happy. No, not happy. I think they were worried. They're worried about my eggs, you know. They're worried about me. They want kids.

They want kids, yeah. So they were like, oh, no, did you lose your window to have children? But then I froze my eggs, so no, who cares? What a crazy thing to say. Well, they're Italian. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they are, man. They want those grandchildren.

Yeah. They want grandchildren. But my mom is a little bit of a, you know, feminist manifesto. Is she really? Stay free, you know. Yeah. She says one of the saddest things I've ever heard. This is on Patreon, right?

No, no, no. No? She will hear it. Save it for the Patreon. Yeah, I'll save that for the page. Yeah. Did that AC turn off again? Yeah, I don't know what happened.

I think it was because you're talking about her. Honestly, we're just lucky that this is happening at all. Remember the beginning of this podcast? Everything's off and we don't know what we're doing. I feel that way every week I show up here. I can't believe that it actually works. No, but yeah, your father wants it. Of course.

But they also want me to be happy, and so they're thrilled with life. Are you? And I was popping off a little bit ago. Yeah, in late May. funny she's gonna but I thought you were popping off before that you were popping off for a minute I've been I'm very grateful for every opportunity

I've had no I've seen you at the cellar I've been at the seller for a while yes and when you first came here everybody was telling me about you how funny you were and I actually seen you do some sets down there and you're fucking hilarious so popping off down there I mean you've been popping off for a minute I appreciate it I didn't

I didn't mean that you know I know I didn't mean that you know I didn't know well this is the first time I've ever been paid you know Like I've been working for a long time, but this is the first time I actually can buy a new sweater and not calculate the money on a tab. And it's all going to go away, and I only know that. Don't say that.

You know what I mean? Don't say that. But that's what every comic is like, it's a spiral. I know, but you can't think like that. You cannot think like that. You've got to bury those thoughts. I know it's hard because we're comics and we're just fucking, we always have to think the worst.

Yeah. Because if we think the best, we're fucked. We're fucked. And we're not funny. You're not funny. If you think the best, if you think positive, that will take away your fucking funniness. But the successful fucking people, you know what they think?

What? They're going to make it. They're going to do it. They always think that. Yeah. They always, and we think that somehow we have to be self-deprecating all the fucking time to make it. But you don't.

I mean, don't do it in public in front of us because we'll trash you for it. Rightfully so. But in your own brain, you should never think like that. Yeah. Now, how long have you been doing it? 12 years. Yeah, you're fucking, that's fine.

How long you've been doing it? It's 2008, whenever that. 16? 16. Oh, so 18. Wow, this shouldn't be that hard. This is whacked. Wow.

I went to art school. What's your excuse? I went to art school, too. Oh, my God. What'd you do? I was going to be an art teacher. Oh, professor or like high school? I don't think I would have made a professor part, but probably, you know, some boys club somewhere.

I mean, fucking degenerate. Painter? Sculptor? I did, no, no, no sculptor. I did paint. fine art and art history. That's great. So, yeah, but I was never good enough.

Same. I was photography and art history, and I was never, I didn't have the talent. I took photography, but I love photography, but I always fucking, I had my final exam, and I didn't do the photos. It was light. Yeah. It was this different light stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I lived with six retarded elderly men. So just the night before, I just put lamps next to their face, and I just had them, you know, sit down. I took these close-up black and whites. And my grandfather had a black room, a dark room. So I just went to his house the next morning. I made class about like two minutes. And I handed in all these like 10 photos of all the retarded guys I lived with.

And it was just, you know, light from this way, life from that way. But they came out great because they were retarded. He was like, mm-hmm. Actually, though, like, I was going to say, it was like pretty dynamic. No, I lived with six retarded elderly men. Oh, wow. while I was going to art school. And I got a B plus.

That's pretty good. Thanks, Barry. Welcome, Bob. Yeah, I still have the photos somewhere. I just found him like two years ago. Yeah. And I just found all these photos of these guys. I used to live with them.

They're fucking great. I got to get those friends. Let them on Patreon, baby. No, I kind of like this is illegal. Yeah, did you, you didn't go. You went to college too, right? Yeah, I took some photography classes. I went for, like, broadcast journalism.

And I was, like, wanting to be in film. and, you know, direct films and things like that and just be in like the, you know, make your own shit with your friends kind of. I was always making, I had like a video camera in my hands since I was like a kid, like always making sketches or then the jackass era of like filming all that shit and then just in college just making a bunch of things.

So I was like that was the path I wanted to go on. But it was great as like college, you're like, oh, when you can study the things you want to study, it's like you can actually be very, like I was like a C student in high school and then I graduated in three years with a magna cum laude. with like a 3.8 GPA because I was like taking,

I only had to take one math class. I think that's also the reason why. But I was like, oh, I could just graduate. I can do the things I'm passionate about. And it turns out that actually worked for getting good grades. I was two classes away from getting an associate's degree in fine arts and then transferring to Mass College of Art. And I failed basic English and basic math.

Wow. The English is hilarious. Yeah. That's so funny. This is your job now. I'm in the Writers Guild. and I don't know what a semicolon is or does. It's still complicated one to use that.

Yeah, but you don't even need to use it anymore. You just write something, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then throw it into something and then it goes, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, and then it'll autocorrects for it. That's what I wanted to say. Wow, you nailed it, computer. You nailed it. Well, I'm sorry you broke up with that fantastic guy.

All right. That's enough. It was a great. I mean, whatever. He's happy now. Does he have a new girlfriend? I don't know. Are you done?

That's so weird. Isn't fucking relationships weird How you can go from Together every day Spend the rest of my life Spend the rest of life And then not even to know a thing about that person Yeah

I think it's also probably healthy To have a little distance after an engagement break You know what I mean I think it would be weird That's a tough one I think it'd be much we're like We're still great friends and hang out a lot Like that's I always find it strange

With people like really good friends With all their exes Yeah we tried to be friends I think too soon You know Try to be friends too soon And then it was just like oh, we're just hurting each other all over again.

Yeah, because you don't know, you might want to, that pool is still there. Mm-hmm. Yeah, there's a reason you were together for so long. There's chemistry, yeah. Yeah, and you've got to just get the, you gotta cut that limb off. You can't saw it off.

Yeah. You got to cut it off. Now, it's weird, though, because, oh, God. It's also weird that you guys don't run into each other. Yeah. No, we don't see each other very often. Yeah, well, because you're successful right now. Is that what you're saying?

No, no, I think. We just run in different parts of the city. Yeah, you run in the successful parties. And he's over at the Village Lantern. Is that what you're saying? That's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm saying. He's a real good guy.

He's a real good guy and he's a funny guy. Very funny guy. Well, listen, you got a new special called Fuggan. Perciutto Rose on YouTube. Is he in it? Is he in the special jokes about him? Yeah, but they're mostly about me and how I... Is your dad going to be...

I don't make fun of him that much. Is your dad going to be... That much. I don't trash him too much. Is your dad going to be able to watch your special? He says he can watch me once a year. Because he's so supportive. He comes.

Is he going to be able to deal with this special? He's already seen it, yeah. He did what he say about it. He said, you did a very good job. And then my mom was like, it was wonderful. But my dad is, he was like, you did good. He's old school. He doesn't want to hit you.

Yeah, I don't know if I'd be able to hear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's very supportive. He wanted to be a comedian. Yeah, okay, yeah. I don't know if Max is doing comedy. He's like, my dick is way bigger than my dad's dick. It's a little weeny, weeny.

I'd be like, hey, you knuck it up. How does he know that? If I've seen his. All right, well, listen, and Fini, you got a podcast out. Have you found a host? No, not yet. It's been an arduous search, but I think we're, I feel good about the way season three is coming,

and I think I got some real good prospects. But you could also come see me on the road, if anybody is out here. No, that's what you guys like to do that. Philadelphia, Joke World Fest. Are you there you guys doing, Joke World? Joke World Fest? Maybe, maybe that.

Oh, there it is. Look at that. Wow, what producers? I'll be at Joke World Fest in St. Petersburg. We'll be at Helium. I'd be in Atlanta and Indianapolis and California. Got some dates towards the end of the year. So please come to any show.

Who's running Joke World Fest? The Joke World guys. Who's that? Those guys, they're like, how would you describe them? They're like... I don't know who they are. They're like TMZ of comedy. but if it was like positive things.

They're not like... Oh, I'm into that. They promote things. They'd probably promote your special. Oh, I'll call them. They're on the internet. But yeah, they're doing a first year of a festival there, so we'll see how that goes.

Yeah, comes me on the road. And you got, what is your website? You're on punch up? I'm on punchup. Yeah, I got a bunch of dates. Now you do. I do. They really filled me up fast because I'm popping off.

They've been adding a bunch of. shows we just added a 3.30 in Sacramento, which I'm really excited about. You added a 3.30 in the afternoon show? In the afternoon. That's when you're popping off. Yeah. You're popping off now, bitch. I'm popping off now, bitch. But not in Charleston. I'll tell you that much. They do not care for me in Charleston. Please buy some tickets.

There's no fucking when you're like, I'm sold out. And then you go to this other states, like, wouldn't nothing to do it. Yeah, the South is like, this is too much. We're a very last second market. But they are like pretty, a lot of. lot of them are pretty close to selling out. So get your tickets. Punch up life, which is nice. It's never happened to be in my life. That's so funny.

You're going to be at COSA Creative because that's where the Joke World Festival is and you're there, I think, the week after the festival's there. And I think both of the shows are sold out. Look at that. Look at that. Well, there you go. You've got a whole full county. You're killing it. Bring up her ex-fellow. Let's see how he's doing.

Let's see how he's doing. He has punch-up dates. He's not on punch-up. No, I'm kidding. I was like, do you know that? You should. Go to my website. Punchup.com What is it? Live.

Punchup. Live. Punchup.com. Slash Robert Kelly. I got only, I only do one show in the summer. You guys know that. July 25th.

I'm at the music hall loud. Oh, that place is so fun. Yeah, Portsmouth, New Hampshire. I got two shows. I don't know that place. Oh, it's great. It's awesome. And then I'm in Saratoga at the Saratoga Springs at the Comedy Festival,

Saratoga Comedy Festival. October, I'm in Port Charlotte. And then I'm also going to be in, Boston home-based Boston and then I'm in New Orleans I'm all over the fucking place so go to punchup.com. Live slash Robert Kelly for all my dates and please

support these guys. What do you guys got over there, Joe? Hey, this is Joe Russell. Just go to Instagram how about that and type in Jokes Russell give me a follow. Yeah. Thanks. Give me a follow. Don't not do that. He figured out the thing so that's good. Go ahead. He had help from Danny who got

from a fat blob. Blub. What do you think she's saying? Yeah. I sucked a flat blob's pick. Yeah. Hi, Cody, what do you got, buddy? Hey, this is Cody.

Come to my show at New York Comedy Club in Stanford on July 23rd. Thank you. July 23rd. Make sure you check them out. Very funny guys. First of all, thanks for coming on. I know you're popping off. This is great.

I wanted to do this podcast for a long time. Is your first time doing this show? Well, come on again. Wow. I would love to. This was so fun. It would be funny if you came. up and he was here too.

That'd be great. You can really hash it out. A real gotcha mo. You're doing the Howie Mendel with Burr and the guy from... Yeah, that's what I'm about... Gotcha. That's got me change the podcast, did you? You know what? Gotcha. You know what? Gotcha

is an incredible name. It's a good hook. It describes it. People would much want to see that, you know? That's great. I'd be like, that's your subway take. I'm still trying to figure out my thing. Listen, if you guys enjoyed the show, I hope you did. Make sure you check out Jeremiah, too.

He's got a brand new special. It's coming out on YouTube. And it's called New Crazy Pizza comes out September 10th on YouTube and check out comedy on the spot. And he's a very funny guy. Make sure you check him. I had to leave because he had a spot. And that would have pissed me off around five years ago,

but it doesn't anymore. That's great. I don't know. They're saying the fact that they were having such technical difficulties and you weren't stressed or angry about it. It's real growth. It's either growth, oh, they broke me. Maybe.

But it suits you. They broke me. Good luck. I'm waiting for the other shoe to draw. You know what this is like? This is like the Simpsons episode where Ned Flanders is like he finally snaps because he's been nice his whole life.

And then they, Homer and them break him. And then he becomes like a wild lunatic who has to be institutionalized. That's where you're in your Ned Flanders phase right now. Right. But the other shoe will drop. Well, I've been a cycle for so many years. Maybe I'm...

Nah, never go to the way. Maybe the shoe was always dropped, and then he picked it up and put it on. Wow. Look at that. There you go. You've got to have a big meat curtains to think like that. Absolutely. The fattest.

The fattest. The fattest prosciutto rose on the planet. All right. We're going to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly right now. We have questions for these guys from you guys. So if you want to ask questions to the fan, please go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. And you can support the show like that so I can pay these autistic kids to fuck things up and fix them every week. If not, we'll see you guys next time on.

You know what, dude?