Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #651 | Jason Ellis, Danny Polishchuk, Mike Lawrence, Chris Faga

Episode Date: August 10, 2026

This week on YKWD Bobby and the boys decide what is the best animal to bang.Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized,affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/YKWD Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKW. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day. Where it all started before fun and crazy. This isn't NPR. That's the original. What's up everybody? It's Robert Kelly.

We're back with YKW dude. You know what, dude. Above the comedy seller at the, comedy cellos. I got a packed house tonight. We got a great show. Some of my favorite people are here. Some people haven't seen a long fucking time.

Danny, who do we got? We have from High Society Radio. Chris from Brooklyn is in the house. We have from the Jason Ellis show. Hello. Hello. Yeah. How are you?

Good. Why do you always seem angry? Defeated, man. What's up? What's up? What I look like? Yeah. You always, every time I see you, like, I don't know, you just got bad news or you want to

stab me with a fucking knife. I mean, something bad's happening to somebody. Okay, that's good. Hemorrhoids is a thing. Yeah. People have them. I did bike here. They do have hemorrhoids.

What? I did ride a bike here. You did ride a bike? Yeah. Wait, is that bad? For hemorrhoids. Oh, right. Oh, right.

There's cobblestone streets right down the block, Jason. He was, uh... Am I pushing back up? He, uh... Can you turn Jake, Mike? Get the mic. Make his mic go up loud out. I don't want to yell right now, man.

No, don't yell, don't yet. Not yet. We want you to yell later. Tell me. Who else we got, Danny? We have from the Jason Ellis show, Jason Ellis. Oh, that was a... Yes.

We have from writer for the roast of Kevin Hart and the Golden Globes, Mike Lawrence is back after 10 years. 10 years. 10 years. Dude, it's been a long... I'm serious, dude, and I said this when we started. You were, like, you were physically a young man. 10 years ago.

I know, but I've never, like... You seem like a real man. man, man. That was the age of Jesus died then. I love to, he was like, you finally look like a man because my dad is dead. Like I started to cry because I wish he could be here to say that, but I will happily take it from you.

Well, he told me to say it. I don't know if I'm a psychic. Yeah, yeah. He's talking to me right now, Mike. No, he's watching the Odyssey. My dad's watching, my dead dad's doing anything. But let me say something. I saw The Odyssey.

Yeah. I loved it. I didn't have seen it. I fucking loved it. All right, well, let's not talk about that. Anyways You know why Lastly from the

Low value mail and call show We have Danny Polichick Hello Danny Polichick He really waited on you Didn't he went from him To Jason Made a meal out of it

My dad died And then you got introduced Everybody's dad dies I'm kidding My dad's not die He isn't dead Really? Oh wow

He just doesn't talk to me Oh That's worse I was gonna say That might be right Yeah he doesn't have an excuse He could talk to me We could have a really.

What if you find out, like, the day after he died, like, and he was a Patreon subscriber all along. If he subscribed to everything. Yeah. He was my biggest fan. I supported you financially. Yeah, he's Lou. $5 a month.

He actually, he, my real, my mom and my stepdad, when I moved to New York, didn't give me a dime. He gave me a thousand bucks. Wow. I'd like to give it back. And I would like him. I would like him not to take it. You're like, I don't want it. They're like, all right, well, I tried.

That was a good, my, dude, I came from my, this is the thing about Boston. There's no, we, all the white people are poor. Yeah. So we were, nobody had money. Nobody has money to fucking move to New York. Right. I just went. I was like, fuck it.

I'll figure it out. That's probably when New York was a little cheaper to live. Uh, well, me and Billy Barre, 350. I paid 350. He paid $1.25. But the department was disgusting. Yeah, but still. You could see when the, the super was in the basement fixing things.

You could see him. Yeah. Like doing, what do you think of the people who live there? I think of how grimy it is compared to Saudi Arabia. That's why he loves that country. It's clean. It is clean. Sandy, but it's clean.

It's very clean. Do you live there? Have I lived in Saudi Arabia? Why do you say it like that? Like, you're a terrorist. No, I've never been. I'm from Canada. I don't feel like it's that bad to live in stinky stuff when you're young.

Yeah. It's pretty normal. I got crabs off a toilet bowl. This is my friend's house or whatever. I got crabs. Crabbs can live on a toilet bowl? It's called Australia. Yeah.

No, you just try to see crabs all over your dick. No, I got a bunch of stuff and it was just like, whatever, you know, because everyone's disgusting. Staff infections, we used to call it Vird AIDS before there was. What? Because we didn't know what staff was, but it was the thing that went around with professional skateboarders. Somebody got staff and then somebody used their pads and got staff. and then it started to spread from like dudes hanging out

touching the ramp I don't know how but fucking everyone was like watch out for Vird AIDS and everyone was like well what is that it's like this big pimple just got big white head on it don't pop it it gets worse and then it went to this one dude shanny he's a Swedish skateboarder guy he had it and he felt and he was didn't matter big lump on his elbow

and he was in a movie theater and he said he felt really faint so he left the theater and there was a line coming from the big bump up his arm across his shoulder to his heart and when he went to the hospital they were like if you didn't come in in the next like i don't know how long but like you were going to die and it's called staff and he told everybody and we were like so staff's bad and it's like yeah you can die from it you have to have antibiotics and then we all were like antibiotic staff right then there's levels of staff there's mercer then there's because we all had we all say with fighters There's MMA dudes and skateboarders.

Fucking staff. I've had it so much. I'd rather get AIDS. Really? Funner way to get it. You can live with it. Yeah. It's easier to get.

I feel like you can get staff from bucking also. I probably could get staff. I got staff on my dick once. Really? I got a chick had a blue-balled her and the zipper sketch with a base of my dick. I don't even know what you just said.

Staff on the staff. What is blue-balled her? When you pump somebody but not in the vage, like on the top of it. Oh, you're just rubbing you, you're just teasing her. Yeah. Okay. And hard.

and the zipper cut the bottom of my dick and I was just fucking a lot back then so I wouldn't let it heal and then it got stuck. Dude, that happened to me. It just got pussy. I didn't get pussie. It became a hole.

I fell back asleep. I'm gonna throw up. Walk to go to a cab and I fell asleep in the like stinky young man apartment that I had at the time and I just like this, yeah, just caught the zipper. It was raw from fucking all night

and then just woke up. It was pretty pussy. I feel like a pussy saying that's never happened to me. Never happened to me. No. Never had a pussy That just means you're smotted with your penis

Peter packed a pussy Pussy Pussy Yeah you don't meet anybody with AIDS anymore Isn't that weird? I mean you Yeah Robert It's cold You know why?

Because it did its job Yeah I mean you ever watch You ever watch like Monday night football or something And it's just like 10 AIDS commercials Medication? Yeah Crazy how many commercials have you're like

Do this many people have AIDS? It still costs a lot to take it Like if you don't have money, you can't take it and you will die still. Yeah, but it's just weird. You would think like, I don't know, I wouldn't think that Monday night football or like the NBA would care about AIDS. Would be the place where they're like doing AIDS. Dude, but you think a lot of fucking sports dudes happen. A lot of DL dudes.

Yeah, dude. A lot of dudes just fucking. And the DL dudes don't use protection or test. So they're more likely that they have something. You're not really doing it. It didn't happen. I don't think if you're not bragging about fucking, it doesn't really work. Yeah.

This was like, this was the like, welcome to. New York moment for me. I was from South Florida and my first time doing comedy in New York was a 5 p.m. open mic at New York Comedy Club and I was bombing of course and then I said, man, it feels like someone opened up a can of AIDS in here

and I get off stage and the manager's like, you know how many friends I've buried? He's like, don't you ever make those jokes again? I would have said how many. I wanted this to be a true story. Yeah, I was worried about getting AIDS back when AIDS was big. I was doing fucking, like, dude, having to put a condom on back in the 80s. Yeah.

Come on. What were you expect? You know what I mean? Didn't Sinbad play a condom? There was like a VHS that they sold, that they gave out for free at Blockbuster. Shazam thing? No, this was like a 30-minute. Those were a Mandela effect?

No, they had a 30-minute, like, sex education thing. And one of the things in it was just Sinbad as a condom, like, telling you, to use it. And that's why I got you Sin bag? Confusing it with Shaq as a condom. Oh, you got it? That's fucking nuts. Now you don't even have to, I think legally,

if you have AIDS, you don't have to tell people you have it as long as you're on the medication. Really? Yeah, because if you're on prep, you're undetectable. Yeah, you're undetectable. You can't get it. So you don't even legally have to tell people. You used to legally have to tell people.

Yeah, because you'd kill them. Well, yeah, but you can't anymore. This is the second podcast this week, me and Jay and and have talked about AIDS. It's you guys. I know. I know. I immediately thought that, too.

I'm so gay. Yeah, I remember having to use the condom. You would always, I would always have to put it in like a couple times. I always had to break the seal. And I'd be like, I'm going to risk it.

Yeah. Just put it in a couple times. And then you get it in, you're like, oh, God. And I always, I always was proud of myself if I could take it out and not fuck without it and then put it on.

But I'd always put it in a couple times. It's crazy too because probably during like that time probably maybe one guy in the world got AIDS from heterosexual side. It was me. It's like so hard. That's how you lost the weight. I just always was like man, fucking a monkey must be the best.

Like if it's worth that you know. Well, the question is did they know? I was just kind of they probably just went for it. And 30 years later I don't think they knew about anything. You think they Cosby the monkey? They just fuck the monkey and they go Monkey must be hard to fuck, though, because they just squirming around and screaming and yelling.

What the fuck? Rip your head off. The chimp ripped that lady's face off. I'm not saying a chimp. I'm saying a monkey. Oh, it was a small monkey? I wouldn't fucking chat or not. Wait, they both.

Well, that's why you fucking from behind. You're not going to fuck him where his hands could reach you. You're like your dexterous. It's the worst thing to try to have sex within the world. That thing will rip your fucking arms off, too. Yeah. And now you're like, now you're putting your penis near it. Like, what are you crazy?

You said that from a place to, experience. He goes, you don't want to fuck a monkey, man. No, I know a story about a

chimp, like family that had one, and they got too old to take care of him, and they put him in a sanctuary,

and they visited him every year to give him a birthday cake. And after a couple years, he got kind of old and seen on. They came to give him a cake, and the chimp ate

the dude's hands, feet, and genitals. And I was like, hands feet and genitals. Whoa. And it's like, yeah, when they go, those are the things that?

Those are the things that, yeah. The rest of the family's just watching and they didn't care to intervene. And the chimps eat in the chimps. I mean, those are the actual, those are the actual tastiest parts of a human. Dude,

did you imagine eating someone's foot off the ankle? How do you think you could stop that thing? So, wait, wait, wait, what I don't understand is he stopped at the foot and then it was like, let me eat some more foot meat.

He didn't go to the thigh. Apparently they eat your hands, like feet, genitals, that's where they go. It's the order. Very tasty. Wow.

It's like bio, it's like probably survival, because I actually have it in my stand-up a little bit where I'm like if I copied the monkeys because in fighting, you know, MMA people evolve. They've got spinning elbows and all this kind of stuff. But nobody bites because it's like some sort of,

it's a code like to be, you're a pussy if you buy it. But I'm like, if you're fighting me on the street and I don't want to fight anybody on the street and you're trying to kill me because that's how I see it if you're trying to throw punches.

So I'm going to, I'm going to buy. You're making Mike nervous. I'm going to bite you. I'm going to bite your fingers off. Because if I buy you fingers off, you're immediately you're going to stop fighting me I'm gonna get away I don't get bitten by the guy who's talked about AIDS

on two different podcasts oh man wait what the fuck I told him today if I get into a fight and you're bigger than me I'm just gonna try to suck you dick yeah I'm gonna take all my clothes I'm gonna blow you right now

is that what you want hey what are you trying to bite my dick off like a chimp what's the worst what's the five worst animals to fuck wait because it's dangerous because it's dangerous because it's not because

Well, I would say... Well, shark would be bad because you'd be drowning straight away. Can you fuck a shark? It's got a puss. It's got a puss. It's got two dicks if it's a dude. Sharks have two dicks.

Yeah, so are snakes. So you could tie those in a knot at the top and fuck between the dicks. The CEO of Jimmy Johns got in trouble for fucking a whale. Or no, a shark. It was a shark, I think. He fought?

A dead one, right? Yeah, it was a dead shark. And he fucked it and we know about this? Well, yeah, so he claims... That's not dangerous, by the way. It was, yeah, but it's still crazy. No. That doesn't count.

That's what we're talking about. We're talking about those dangerous animals. I think a gorilla would be probably the maximum... Did he get six inches in the shark or 12? You're saying the animal that can do the most damage to you while you're penetrating it. You're not going to penetrate a gorilla. It's going well and then it goes awry. What I'm saying is...

What I'm saying is... What I'm saying is... What I'm saying is... What is the most dangerous animal... Tiger line... Guerrilla is a motherfucker? Yeah. Like, what could kill you if it's like, I don't want you to fuck me?

I think gorilla beats bear and tiger. and everything, doesn't it? A bear would fuck you out, like a brown bear. Yeah. But I think a gorilla, like a silverback, fucks up a bear. I think an... I don't know what scenario you could fuck a... The largest bear, like a polar bear is bigger than a gorilla for sure.

Oh, yeah. That's, you know... Yeah, but there's some... Dude, a chimp is, like, nowhere near the size of you, and it will fucking rip your arm off your shoulders, dude. Do you understand the power that is? And then eat your dick. What are the craziest things in movies?

What I was like, it was trading places. Remember where the guy's in the gorilla costume? Yeah. And then he's in the cage with the actual gorilla. And it's like he's just going to get raped to death by the gorilla. And he wasn't even the main villain. He was like the supporting guy. And that was like a family movie.

Like the main, the main guys lost their stocks in orange shares and that guy's getting raped. But they fell in love. Yeah. They did fall in love. Stop measuring your hairline and worrying hymns. Helps helps you do something about your hair loss without leaving the house. Hymns offers a range of prescription hair loss treatments, including chews, oral medications,

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Individual results may vary. See website, fulfilled details, restrictions, and important safety information. It wasn't really a rig. It's like a borderline Christmas movie. Oh, it is. Yeah. It's like a, always would be like on TBS,

like Christmas time. Oh, yeah, yeah. Watching just like a gorilla. I think what would be the best animal to fuck? A panda. Because a panda can get on its back. What? Yeah, because you haven't seen a panda?

Pandas won't even fuck other pandas. Yeah, I was going to say, they don't like the buck at all. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe they're looking for some human manmate, man. They have to force pandas to reproduce. Why don't they want to have? Maybe have they seen, has pandas see my dick lately? Have the panda's been married for 30 years?

Yeah, they act like it. They act like it. They just like every panda in captivity, they have to force them. It's so funny. It's like Asian dudes are not hot, but Asian chicks are. Maybe it's like Asian dudes are not hot to Asian women. Like they want to fuck like a bear? They want a white panda.

Yeah. Like polar bear? Yeah. But they never do that. They never put them in there with a, you know. So what they're really looking for is probably a black bear. Because that's usually how that goes. We're all looking for a black bear. That's right. I think the cutest thing.

You know what? Let's move on. No, no. No, because if it's going to make you laugh, I want to know. A baby. No, I'm kidding. Man. No, I'm kidding. I would think I think it would be like a, like a,

like a, like a, like a cat. It's too small. Well, enough for you it is. For me, it's just right. You can't,

you can't, you can't go from like jungle to like domestic. Oh, so no domestic. You make this conversation too real. All right, first of all,

I didn't know what we do. I didn't know the rules. I don't know. You went? He's not going to, you could find a cat. You ever try to pick us, you ever going to pick up an angry cat?

It's hard. Yeah. And it can. That's just so cunty. Yeah. They come over, they get pats, and then they leave. A dog come. Not mine.

Well, dude, because you, are you fucking them? You fuck it the death nine times in a row. Still alive, so no. I would never fuck anything to death. I don't think I've had... What about an alien? Myself, maybe. Would you fuck an alien, even if she was ugly?

Well, what color? Like gray, but like the slippery skin shit on the outside? Slippery skin? Yeah, like a fish with no skin. I'm with this. Now, does she have... Like octopus? Does she have stuff on her head or is it a regular head?

She's fucked up. Are eyes round or oval or what? Weird and big. How many eyes? Two. Two eyes. How many mouths? Fangs.

One big, sang man. I'm out. She smells like fish. What if it's like the rock from Project Hail Mary but with the softest pussy? Wait. Wait, what? The rock? Yeah, there's like...

Like a guy? That's the main alien in the movie is like this weird rock creature. Oh, like you got to fuck a rock creature. rock? I mean, does it have a hole? I think it does. Well, if it has a whole, game on. You gotta get through the lips, which are probably going to be a little jagged. Right, there's not a lot of lube.

But maybe if you rub it in the right spot, it loops up. It was weird that alien was made of rock. And I did think of like, how do they reproduce? Yeah. There's got to be a little tiny thing. It doesn't mean, no, it doesn't, because you could just make, they could be like those sea horses.

They make their own babies inside their vaj. They fuck themselves. The male seahorses get birth Yeah What? Yeah The male seahorses get birth Have you ever seen a real sea horse?

Yep Yeah Yeah In the ocean? Yep Not in the ocean Okay well Yeah I have Okay

I have me and Jason have Yeah You've done lots of things I have Oh like what Yeah but that one's pretty big I haven't cut my dick Until I got staff Well he's done things

None of us have done Look I've made some bad decision It's pretty obvious By looking at me Good stories though Yeah I mean I would fuck an alien

Five seconds I would have sex with an alien. I wouldn't fuck him. I'd make love. I'd try to communicate through my brain. What if they couldn't talk? You couldn't talk to him yet? I would try to do this. That'd make a lot. Like meld me. I mean, you do look like you care.

What if she got offended and was like, well, you're trying to meld me? Do you think we're that close? You can penetrate me physically. Don't try to touch my mind. What if a woman had a thing that went up your butt? Oh, man. What are you talking about? I bet you the rest of the table would be out, though. You'd be out? It's an alien? If you guys are pretty heterode, no offense.

Getting pegged by a female alien or getting fucked by a male? I mean, an alien in this particular planet, what is a man? No, here's a thing. Here's the alien. I wouldn't want to be rude. Here's a thing. I mean, what is man? You're having sex. Yeah.

like that little mouth that comes out of the mouth in like the aliens. Yeah, well, that's okay as long as every mouth has no fangs. Yeah, the fangs coming towards dick, not going to happen. They have like an acid saliva or blood situation. That could be, you want to test that first, right? Maybe hit it with a fork or something. I love if people like see this podcast just like us sitting around like a photo and then they turn it on, thinking it's going to be like about the Civil War or about the after and sag dilemma.

And it's just, no, mate, inside, it vibrates because that's what happens. How do you know that a dolphin is vibrating? I used to do a radio show four days a day, four hours a day, five days a week. With a dolphin? You will find out that a dolphin gets vibrated. You will, dude. Like the things that we end up talking about, but like really researching where I would say sometimes, this is our job, you guys.

Just know that. Like, I've been doing deep dives on like, who's done the, longest fart where he lives, like seeing if I can get him on the show. Things like that where, and people told us things where they'd be a guy got shot and he spat it out like two months later and I'm like, that's not true.

And then we Google it was true. We made a song about it. Like, it just never ended when it came to stupid. It's weird about dolphins because I swam with dolphins and they said you cannot touch, you cannot touch them. You can't go. They'll try to bang you, dude. They'll try to fuck.

Yeah. They bang each other's blowholes sometimes in the deep sea. Oh. A turtle shits a stick out. Is that what? What'd you say? Turtle shits his dick out. Stop saying it.

I got to say it out or shoots a fun sunk sunk. It shits and its dick comes out of the same hole. Pussy pussy. Yeah, he just made a song. Toto sheds his dick out. What do you mean they shit it out? It's dick, like they'll poo and then its stick will come out later and pee. Really?

Yeah. Out of its asshole. Yeah. All turtles? All turtles? All turtles. All turtles tics are in their assholes. Yeah.

Seems like a good design. What about a tortoise? Same? I don't know about that. Deep dive, it's our jobs! That's where I was like, that's enough information. What about teenage? Mutant Ninja.

They shit their dick out, dude. Wow, radical. Pizza out of their dig hole. Cowabunga. That's what they call it, a cowabunga. It makes it more adorable. Poor April. That's so,

that you know that. I feel like this is common knowledge for the average Australian. I mean, I've been living here for like 38 years. I don't know what the fuck Australia does. I can't believe none of you just wanted to fuck a camel spider. I saw her camel spider.

Those things are fucking nothing. But not poisonous. Nah, but still, I don't want it on you. I don't want it on me. You know, like, do you want it to bite you? Because we did that. We try to get it to bite us. We'll talk about that on bonfire thing.

I try to get everything to bite me. Every kind of lizard. There's some frilly neck lizard that was super angry and he would whip his tail. Like, is the Sixers lost? I don't know, dude. At what point was an animal biting you that you were like, I think I'm going to start writing material instead.

I had to find him. I wasn't going to. They had to find me from the radio for to do comedy. Which, it would bite me and it wouldn't let go. And people, the trainer guy would try to pat it. Or like, he's like, just let it relax. Just wait a while. And I'm just waiting and everything.

And then he'd bite down and, like, like, fucking shake on it and try to pull the meat off. And I'm like, and I'm like, ah! And he's like, don't say owl, don't struggle. It only makes it worse. And I'm like, okay. And this dude's just trying to rip my arm off. For Fuel TV, he wouldn't let go for like 20 minutes.

So I was just in the back with a lizard. And people would check on me every now and then. Yeah, dude, I wouldn't do that. But it's funny. It is funny. And it's fucking exciting. When big animals bite you. Wait, how big?

Dude, I had an eight-foot anaconda bite me like seven times. But this lizard was, from me to you, like, gigantic thing. Hissing. And they, well, they try, the guy with the glove tries to come in. And it whipped me because he was going to help him get his mouth off me. Yeah, I'm not into that. No, I'm not into that. I don't want to get bit by anything.

I never want to victim blame, but after the third Anaconda bite, I think it's your fault. No, it was because it was a hit. And then people were like, if we're going to do a photo shoot, would you let that snake, bite you again because it was like on the radio because I was really scared somebody brought in a normal it was on only face

funny to have you know man just you two guys go just you guys like I would never do that I didn't want to do it I did it because I thought at the time if I did it people would not change a channel and then maybe my show would get bigger oh you just opened up

I'm not and I was and I remember thinking I will let this snake bite me For that. There was like a crossover between like jackass and crocodile. I mean, it's no less sad than people filming videos of themselves promoting their dates.

I would actually say that's more sad. Let the snake bite me. But it was an adrenaline thing. If that would get people to my show. Oh, yeah. You did a video of snake biting you? If I could not have to have a club go, hey, can you tweet out something?

We're a little light on Saturday's second show. I'd let a fuck a monkey. I'm going to eat my dick off. Same rules apply. Oh, my God. You've been doing it so long that when you started promoters used to promote, right? When we used to do clubs, I was just talking, Voss, what happened to the days? You go to a club on Wednesday because you had to do like five radio shows on Thursday to promote the weekend.

And you would sell out because everybody listened to radio. And you do the top two with three. And you just fucking sell out. Like I still do, when I go to Tampa, I do Mike Alta because he's still old school radio and people listen. And you do a show. They let you do what you want. You have a blast. And you don't have to worry about it.

And the clubs used to take out newspaper ads every week. So everybody, you open the newspaper. Your dumb face would be there for that week. And then they would, yeah. And that would sell out your weekend. They promoted the fuck out of it. Yeah. And now it's restaurants.

It's on us. Yeah. It's on us. Not all clubs. Some clubs do it. But most clubs, it's all on our social media. Are you supposed to do the Facebook thing? Is that like the best idea?

I don't know. tells me now. Dude, here's the thing, I did a chat cheap T on what to do and what not to do. And it said, don't promote things. The algorithm, whatever the fuck that is, doesn't like it.

So if you're promoting things, it will say fuck off. You have to do it in some kind of creative way. Yeah, but how's this? Hey, Instagram and Facebook and fucking off. I'm giving you content. I'm literally working for you for nothing. Could you release my shit out a little bit

so I can make a little money on the fucking road? So I don't have to do a video, be like, hey, guys, check this out. This is homeless guy just shit his pants. Is it because they want you to pay them to boost it? Yep. So if I pay them to boost it, now are you showing everybody? That's what they say.

Am I in trouble after I paid you to boost it or was that okay? Here's this funny. I don't think any less of any comic that does it because I know it's part of the job. But I do think a little less of the ones who seem like they're enjoying it. Yeah. I need a little shame in your eyes. I do like to influence. Yeah.

I like to influence a little bit, but I could never go full influence because I know guys like you around and you won't respect me. Yeah. Yeah, but I would love to be like, hey guys, I'm on the subway. I like how there's a legit cage fighter

across from him who's like, how do I promote my dates? And Mike, who's wearing a Marvel versus Capcom shirt is like, I won't respect you, Bobby. And you're just like, I'm scared of that. First off, Marvel versus Capcom two, New Age of Heroes. Oh, I grinded so hard to get Thanos

on the Dreamcast in that fucking game. I wasted a year of my life. I promote the shit. I totally enjoy doing promo and act like an idiot. Not all the time, not all the time, but when I make up ones where I do stunts or something, I'm having a good time. That's why I'm mostly right.

I couldn't do it. Yeah, because you... You're funnier, too. I'm more of like a dit, did, did, da, da, da, da. You know what I mean? Like, look at me, I'll suck a dick. Nah, you don't look like you would. I'm like, I know, right?

That's funny. Like, that's my fucking whole thing. You're like, I mean, an artist. You know, I'm still in here, like... Oh, that made you feel. didn't it? A little bit. Oh, really did. You know what really feel the best was yesterday when we were waiting to

go on Legion of Skags? I had never met I mean, you were very nice. You asked me if I wanted a tattoo and the quickness in which I said no made me so proud of myself. I did Ian finance a show a year ago and he did

this segment where he hands a taser to people and he handed it to my friend who did tase himself and then he handed it to me and I'm like, I'm okay. Yeah. I would rather like, whatever followers I get from that is not worth it.

Right. I wish you'd talk to me eight years ago. Yeah. Or seven snake bites ago. I don't give a fuck. I don't care what anybody. I find people, like I watch Josh's Instagram now when he sings about shit. Yeah. Yeah. And I was hating it at the beginning, but then I kind of got into it.

And then I'm like, yeah. Black people like things that you want to do. I like those. I got, I've got into. it now. It got me. I mean, I follow, but I only like following weird people. I like, I follow a lady who's actually

decided one day, I think she's autistic and she's an engineer. She goes, I'm going to build a tunnel in my basement. And then she did. Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. I can't stop, she built a fucking tunnel and then the city shut her down here.

She was just digging into the earth. Yeah. And then she... Where did it go to? It's just still going, bro. They shut her down. But to nothing? It's going.

I don't know. We don't know the ending of the story. Was there any rooms up the way down? Yeah, because an autistic person is going to stop a thing they're focused on. No, they're not because she asked you, she went to, when they, the city shut her down, she just went back to Minecraft. Yeah. And then she built an amazing city of Minecraft.

Yeah, yeah. And then they, she got all the permits. She did all the shit. And now she's back to dig her back to bigger. It's awesome. Crazy. Yeah. I love this lady.

Yeah. And then she, uh, she dresses in weird dresses. And she's actually kind of hot in a weird autistic way. Yeah. And that to me is like this, the scary thing of like things. being so promotion heavy is that you lose those type of people in art if they're not able to promote themselves

and you just get more extroverts less creative introverts. Yeah, well, I mean, listen, social media is nuts right now. The way you can get famous off the stupidest shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you don't know what it is. And everybody's like, well, do this and do that. By the time you do this and that, that's over. They don't want that anymore.

It's this and that. And then they do it. So you've got to do what the fuck you do and not give a fuck. And hopefully something catches on. Probably not. But we'll give a fuck. If it's any consolation, I'm like a juggling, influencing fag. And nobody's coming to my show. Not selling tickets for me jumping off anything or shooting myself.

Tape hot dogs to your head. You see that guy? Of course. Who did that guy? The guy is a black dude. He tapes food to his head and he goes, I'm a hot dog marshmallow mustard. Cookie man.

Whatever is it attached to his head. From the Halloween Sandler. How would you feel if you're like Alonzo Hamburger Jones and you watch that? They're like, this motherfucker's going literal with it. I meant hamburger as a metaphor. I did a show with that recently at the stand, actually. Oh, nice. Yeah, he was at the stand.

Who? Hamburger. Hamburger. You did? Yeah, he's like around again. No shit. He's like doing spots. And it was funny because, like, nobody knows who he is.

Who he is anymore. And then he was like, he goes to Brooklyn, he goes, soy burger? Impossible burger? But he like, asked the audience. He's like, because they didn't know he was. He goes, you ever see family? guy because they used to do a thing on family guy and they were like nobody had seen family guy like we were like no i don't watch fan like nobody knows family guy i was like yeah we're getting

old dude oh god it's fucking nuts how we get i was crazy i was like he was just thrown a lifeline for family and they were like an expired an expired hamburger yeah and he does it like when he's doing like a you know like a spot he does it the hamburger is very like casual but how does you say it's like hamburger what i love was because his definitely he says it instead of a like shit basically. It feels if you didn't know, you'd be like, this guy's like this weird, nervous tick where he says hamburger. If you don't know. It's a not, it's, because it could be a noun, it could be a comma. Yeah. And then you know, yesterday I was hamburger with my wife and you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you were like, you think you're like, oh, is this guy like really like

OCD? It's one of the best death jam set. Oh, amazing. Because it's completely clean. He uses it instead of profanity. Yes. Hamburger. Yeah. And it's so funny. That's the motherfucker. Yeah. And it's, it's so funny because it is like the altiest shit you could do in that crowd and by minute two they're like so on board and into it. He's got a cowboy hat. I watched it recently actually after I said I'm at the stand.

I yeah. So funny though I wish I had a I wish I had a word I had I tried. Yeah. I did I used to call me I used to go scolololol blubb. I swear I god

when I first started because I was all energy and confidence. So I would go out and be like, what's up? Blue, and I'd do a joke. I'd be like, man, I went over there and that happened and knock it a lot. And I go, scololol.

And, and we've got to get a tape in us. I have one tape. I have one tape. What the fuck. I have one video. It sounds like a sound that a group of suburban teens.

But that was like a different era where a manager was probably like, you need a thing. No, no, no. There was no. I mean, nobody else was that. It was just, I was just called a lal loll. What was it?

He just called me Bob the Rooster Kelly. And I have to... You would do that and then he would cut a guy's head. I had to run around for 30 seconds. In my head I was like, did I really use to do that? And then I found... But how long? Very...

Maybe a year. A year? It was very at the beginning of my stand-up. Because I started an improv comedy group for like two years. Then I left for a couple years. Then I came back and had to like re-figure out how it was to stand-up. But I was, I would just go up, what's up? I was just confident.

And people would like me. And all of a sudden, I'd do a joke and at the house, sclo-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-p. It just came out one day, and I was like, this is it. That was my sufi. Yeah.

But I told that story in opening Anthony Anthony one day, and then the next three months, every show I did, as I was going to stage, it was like, give it up for Robert Cull-L-L-L-L-L-L-A. I got to find the tape. There's a tape of me doing it

at the Collins at Chinese restaurant, and as soon as I go up, because I was like, did I really do it? And I watched this tape, and I went up. I was like, what's up, bubibs, I did it. And it was like, wow.

Just once for the whole set? No, no, no, no. Why would you ruin a good thing? It's every time you thought about a hamburger. Every time I needed a joke, every time I needed a laugh. But yeah, the things, if you ever watched your old sets? Oh, nightmare. It's fucking terrible.

Yeah. It's the worst thing in the, it's like. It should be also is the important thing I say. Yeah, but the thing is I don't, I didn't think I was that bad. No, and you shouldn't have. that's the only way to, you know. I mean, you need a certain level of delusion in this industry. You need a certain level to...

I mean, if people have zero delusion, you're like, it's not going to work for you. I don't like people who don't have... Who literally think they're good and they're not. Yeah, yeah. Like, there's too much. Yeah. But there's also not enough. There's a certain point as a stand-up where you should come off and go, that wasn't good. Yeah.

But there's people that... I actually say it to like, sometimes the middleers. I'm like, oh, good, man. That was great. I was like, okay. All right, really? Yeah, yeah. Because it didn't sound fun.

Yeah, yeah, there's like selling you on it. Yeah, I like when you walk off, how was it? Yeah, fuck, that was tough. I'm like, all right, he knows where the fuck is. Fair. Yeah, fair. Yeah. Fair and just.

Nothing better than when the middle of comes off with sweat coming down his eyeball. Yeah. Just in the middle. Oh, God, the lady in the front. Well, she said she might come for you. Oh, hamburger. I hate when they say my name. You guys, when the joke bombs, you get here to see Robert Kelly, don't bring me into it.

Fuck me, you piece of shit. Just do your jokes. Oh, you're here to see Robert. He's coming out. Maybe he won't come out. Maybe I'll just keep going. What the fuck? Now you're threatening them.

You're threatening with you. You've got a tour now. Your name of your tour is stupid, by the way. I love the name of your tour. Hit me like a ton of bricks today. What is it? You're on your website. Is it not gay or something?

No. You know it. You wrote it. Did I? What is it? I don't know. It's cool. No, no, no, no.

I'm changing it to that. I know that. How do you spell that? Is it like S-K-U-L-L-L-L-L-A-U? It's a lot of T-N-Hs. You should add a T-shirt with it. Yeah. Yeah, what is it again?

I'm not going to promote it if you're not. A special or what are you saying? Your fucking website. Your tour you're on. Your special there. The thing on your website. He's really trying to help you here. He's really trying to help this fucking ass on these.

He's talking to knock-locking himself. You got to look. You wrote it. Did I? I'm not gay tour. Oh yeah, that's what I said. Something like that. Oh, you fucking stink, Jason.

It's all an accident. It's your fucking website. Yeah, but I don't care about that. I'm out in the woods with horses. And you're wondering why nobody's showing up. Listen, you got to care about that. All right, you're right. You know how some shows, like some clubs,

they start with, like, a video before they bring on the headliners or whatever, which I hate, but you should start with the I'm not gay no more guy. Yeah, no, I've already used. People have already said that on Twitter a thousand times because I've said that I'm not gay anymore in that. He's the goat of not being gay anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to do a club where they would show a five-minute video, and it was exclusively dead comedians. Oh, that's great.

It's just the most sad fucking thing. All suicides. Yeah, it's five minutes of Robin Williams. I used to do a club, and you know they have all the photos of the comics. Back in the day, comedy coaches just have all these head shots when you had the headshot. which we don't have anymore. But it was all dead comics and then it was all bald comics.

But in the bald comics, they had two guys with hair, but they had wigs. Yes. So good. The wall knows the truth. You can't escape the wall. It was back when hair systems were in

where you didn't tell people, where it was like, you know, telling people you were gay if you had a hair system. You could always tell, though. I tell you what? There was a dude. in Boston fucking Todd Parker

Cool as shit Confident Would show up What's up? How you doing? What's going on? I kind of fuck with you a little bit What are you doing?

You're going up? Really? All right Like cocky, funny Cool as shit And he had this beautiful hair And then We kind of got into it a little bit

And then someone was like You know he has a wig right? And I went Never bothered me again That's the best thing I call a guy With a wig When he said that and you looked at him, could you see it then?

Oh, yeah. Because that's the thing I always felt like I have a, because I'm bold, I'm bold, so I detect fake hair. I'm real good, like gay. Like when people who are pretending, like they're gay and they're hiding it, I know that you are. You can find out if somebody's gay. I'm gay, my gay d'ar is fucking high level.

They just obviously suck their cock and they're like, yeah, sure. Well, that, oh, it's a pretty good tell. Who's gay in this room right now? You're not. I'm not asking. No, they're not. Nobody's gay in this room. wrong. I sucked his dick

three minutes ago. It's not gay. Yeah, but that was for stage time. Oh, that's true. That's true. I needed to get on. I have to run this. That's a prison gay. It's not the same. Prison gay is not the same? Yeah, because you know, you're just like, there's nothing else. It's just, that's bored gay. Yeah. It's not bored gay. It's not what you do for survival that defines who you are. It's what you do for fun.

If you get out in a month, you should not bone him. If you got 10 years, you can fuck him. You're not gay. You want to know the most depressing thing about social media now? slash best is everybody in prison has phones now. And they like make sketches. What? Yeah. There's like,

there's like literally like dudes in prison. Are they good? TikTok's in. No. But they're like, they have TikTok live. It's all dudes just like in prison. So they're writing sketches out.

No, they just do like these little like, you know, sketch are like they're just. Hi, this is Terry. I'm going to be at cell block feet Sunday. Monday.

Do they do those days? But they like literally. Yeah, they literally make comedy sketches. Oh, you got to bring up, I'd love to see that. Oh.

Wait, so they go to jail for doing something terrible, and then they're in jail and they do something worse. Danny, can I send it to you? Yeah. Now they're just committing crimes against comedy. I'll send one to Danny right now. I have one here.

That's so funny that social media is fucking taking over prisons. Now they're somehow... How do you get a phone in prison? You buy it, the guards? Isn't that kind of bullshit? Like, you commit crimes and the government gives you a phone? No, no, no, no. They're like $10,000.

Wait, they pay for the phone? It's 10 grand for a phone. Also, rich people have them. They're not rich. I'm telling you, if you watch this shit, you're like, these are not rich people. They're criminals. But they get them from the guards.

Rich and come. The guards sell them phones. I said rich and come. I sent, I sent Danny one. But the guards sneak them in, and then they sell them. Because it's like, dude, it's like a new iPhone is like $10,000. So they have an iPhone, not even like a cell.

Some of them don't have iPhone. Some of them have shitty Android. But some of them have, like, iPhones and they just like they're in their cell just live streaming and people put like the fucking they have internet. No they have on their phone. So they get a plan. Yeah they have a plan. How do they play

that? That's what I'm saying. They have someone on the outside paying for it. No shit. That's the cheapest part. Why are we doing podcasting or comedy? Let's sell phones to criminals. Well you got to be a CEO. I thought you were going to say let's go to prison get free phones. I'm saying we could

sell stuff to prisoners. If we get a prison guard, right? Yeah. And we go, dude, we'll get you all this stuff. Ramen, we're going to get your phones. We'll get you all kinds of shit. And we go, you get a little piece of it, but we make the rest. You can make a lot of money. Well, I think they don't need that. What do they need you for?

Like the prison guards are the ones who are getting, we're getting in trouble. Yeah, that's a good idea. I just like that the prisoners are like, Epstein didn't kill himself, but he died on stage every night. I want, like, I want them to start like podcasts. Like, they all, I'm telling you, like, if I pull up my TikTok right now, maybe it's my

algorithm, there'll be 10 guys in prison. They do live. The last stream comedians want is people with actual lives to have podcasts. Oh, yeah. We will look so fucking minuscule by comparison. Sometimes I think, too, I'm just like, I'm just like sitting at home watching a guy like locked in his fucking show. Is this it right here? Oh, my.

Is this a skit? What is it? When you got that roommate that eat every state? Wait, so they're making sketches. Whoa. But for other prisoners. Wait, this is for TikTok. No, but this is content for another.

Yeah. But it's like, prison. stuff is so popular right now. So this is a sketch they're doing. How to lock down be like? This guy's live right now. He's live. Yeah. Go, go. Go click on the thing on his profile picture. You can see it. He's live

right now. Oh, let's watch him. What if he's watching us? He can't if I'm his favorite podcast. Oh, he's out. He's out. He's out. He's out. Good for him. Wait, is he making beats? Yeah, no, it's just. That'd be funny. If he had so much money, that's his prison cell. Yeah. He has a studio. Oh, he made it out.

That stinks she made it out Short short short little stint What's he doing right now Just staring into the abyss What an exciting guy Yeah Like I was in prison the other day And now I'm back in the studio

Like that's awesome It looks more boring than prison I realized I didn't have to assault women I could just force fight comedy on them I saw one where this dude's got fucking He's like they all a lot of dances obviously And then he has two huge knives And he's just dancing in prison

He has knives How much of those costs You make them There was one guy getting bit by an an an Anaccom It might be... It honestly might be this guy who had the... He had a comedy special.

It's called Shanks for the members. I'm trying to think if this is the guy with the knives. This is so funny, though, that I guarantee one of these guys... He will be more famous than me. Oh, yeah, yeah. So, uh, this was from two...

He got out two days ago. This is from two days ago. Twelve and a half years later, here I am finally free. That stinks. Now he's boring. Yeah, he did 12... So if you go on his TikTok page,

it's all him in prison. And he has, like, tons of videos. He didn't post like one video of him like out with bitches or eating a good meal? No,

he's so he's Muslim now so it's 12 and a half years later here and finally a free me Allahou Akbar and then no no his content still just prison content well he's going to learn a really

harsh lesson which is that people want him in prison making content you think some guys do they were in prison and then they do a green screen like they're still in prison because they're like, oh, your life's actually fucking boring, but it's interesting.

And then there are kids like, Daddy, can we spend, get the fuck out of the way. You're ruining the K-fabe? Yeah. You think he'll go, you think if he doesn't make it outside of prison, he'll get a lot of the thing to go back then? Probably. Yeah, I was more popular. He's like I was making fucking 50 bucks a day live streaming. You think he only makes fizzy bucks a day?

They make 18 cents an hour making fucking license plates. Yeah, I did the math once. I found the price of cough drops in like California prisons was like eight bucks. And the guys that were from prison fighting the wildfires had to fight fires for four hours to buy the cough drop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's probably the cop that they got fighting fires. The firefighters make the most, I think.

And it's $2 an hour at the time when I looked it up. Who makes the most? The firefighters in California, they let prisoners out. There's an entire, and then for a while. Oh, I watch that show. There's a show. There's a show. Yeah, there's a show. Yeah, there's a, actually, yeah, there's a, I used to watch

that show Navy Seals, the Seals. And the guy from that went to that where he was in prison. prison, but then you get to go be a fireman. Yeah, yeah. It's like fireman camp. Kind of, yeah. For prisoners. But then for Mad Long, they weren't allowed to join, like, the National Forest Service,

and that was their job in jail. So that's the only reference they have. They had to, like, change the law in California where they can actually do it legally and get those jobs. So now they, but they only got paid $2 an hour to fight. And that's the most anybody for a prison job made. Did you see that Bondi rescue where it's just people drowning in Bondi and people having to pull them out of the rescue, the lifeguards having a

pull them out all day. Drunk dudes trying to go on the water and argue and people getting shit stuck in their ankles and shit, having seizures. It's pretty action-packed. It's just Bondo Beach. Yeah. It's just normal. They're like, yeah, man, I finally got me license to be a lifeguard.

And it's just fucking, people are drowning everywhere. Getting stung by jellyfish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But people, like him dropping his hand underwater grabbing a guy by the hair and pulling him out and then him drunk arguing like, I'm fine. we got video you didn't look that good when you were like underwater

oh fuck that dude I I uh when I was in Juvial they took us to a prison once to go Like a scared straight Yeah but it wasn't I was thinking it was gonna be scared straight

But it was more like an AA meeting Oh okay They all just sat us and paired us up With like a prisoner And we just they They were the nicest Yeah Nicest guy

No no fucking That's the weirdest thing Because if you watch Like the prison podcast every podcast is like, oh, prison's like the worst place on earth. And then you watch the live streams, you're like, it doesn't see that bad. Once you've been beaten and butt-fucked, then it's pretty relaxed.

What's that? Once you've been beaten and butt-fucked, it's pretty relaxed. You find your spot. That's what most people say about Catholic school. I mean, that's how it goes, right? You get in there and you fight and you get butt-fucked, or you fight and you almost get butt-fucked. And then you're like, all right, so I'm with you guys.

And they're like, yeah. But, you know, make sure you're, you know, clean my shoelaces or we're butt-fucking and you're like, right, got it, and then you're cool, right? I can't tell the difference between you saying fight and fart and I don't think it matters. Oh, it does. We got a fart to come out after the butt fuck.

You're far and then you get butt-fucked? Man, that's really gross, but... I think that would make me feel worse than getting fucked is farting come out. Because that's like an hour lady, like, oh, thank God it's... If you don't fight the come out, you get a pootie eye, you know? Oh, man.

Welcome to the prison moment. If you don't fuck the come. It just comes out in your shit. Your shit looks clear. Dude, imagine. It looks like a jellyfish, shit. Wow. It's like a jellyfish shit.

Oh, man, I want to stop. This is bad. And your phone's charging, so you didn't even get to film it. This one of a good content. You get to influence your jellyfish, clear shit. It would be better to be a butt mule in prison. What's a butt mule? I know, I just want to describe it.

That's how they get the iPhones, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just on point for the phone. Like, you always get visitors. You shove the phone up there and then you give it to the guy that promises he won't. But fuck you if you get the phone. You can't put a fucking iPhone in your ass. Yeah, you can. No, you can. He said that confident.

I put a phone in a girl's ass on the radio. No, I said a guy. A girl you can. Those slept. An iPhone? Like a, like a phone. No, it was still pretty big, though. It wasn't an iPhone, though. That's a weird object. But it was white. No, I put it. It was a square phone.

It was hot fat. It'll go in. Yeah, it was a phone. It was square. Was this like a flip phone? Yeah, was it a one? Was it a 17? What I love also is, was it was it filmed or was it just audio?

The phone was recording. She could just be like, oh, it's in my. She didn't have healthy church. It was her colonoscopy. There was no insertion on the radio, so I couldn't film. That'd be so funny, if you put the video on, put it in someone's asshole, and then you played the game where like, is this at the bottom of the ocean? or in somebody's asshole.

It's like back in the way, like, what, the 40s? Like the biggest radio star was a ventriloquist. It's like, you didn't need the fucking dummy in the studio. You could move your lips, yeah. Pretend it's in your ass. Has there ever been a real good one? Like, where you don't see their mouth? No.

No. What about the one that's milking shit? Yeah, but you can still see his shit. There's no way to possibly do it. Yeah. Without seeing it. I'm sure there's one who's really good who never made it.

Watching this and he goes, this guy's doing it. My mouth doesn't move. Here's the magic of Jeff Dunham, though, is that I could immediately tell you what the puppets look like and I could not tell you what he looks like. And I've seen his special since I was a kid and that's part of like the nebulousness of a ventriloquist

is you're not even looking at him. You're looking at, you know. My wife worked at Sesame Street and there would be times where she would be like with a puppet like and and and I would see she would say like you're not looking at the puppet yeah that's how good those people I went to I went to Sesame Street with my kid yeah and we saw we saw them shooting an episode yeah and you really do just look at it's magical grover yeah yeah but it was sad because we went in the back and I looked up and snuff a love because it was in a net hanging from the ceiling oh man that was he one of the five animals you don't want to fuck or one of the five

you too. Those one I do. Snuffy? Hello. Only you can see him. Like a hand jump from an elephant's trunk would be pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah.

It wouldn't be for me. Why? Because you know, how it would be from to grab it? No, he grab a peanut. They can get peanuts. I know. Oh, okay. They get you.

You can tick on my balls. Mike, how is the how is all the stuff going with the roast? Is that all over? Thank God, hopefully. Oh, the controversy? Yeah. I think so.

I mean, lots of people made more money off it than I did. Really? And I worked on it. You know, people talking about it. Oh, so you're saying after all the bullshit. Yeah, yeah. Right. I was talking to Jay about it.

It bummed me out because I watched it nervous that Jay. I didn't want Jay to bomb or have a bad set. And when he killed and he brought Keith, I was like, and I knew he wrote all his jokes and all that. I was like, oh, this is such a great fucking roast. And at the end of it, I was so happy that it was a good roast. And then the bullshit that happened after that was just like, what the fuck? It doesn't. I mean, I do think that, like, there is freedom of speech and freedom of criticism.

And if people didn't like it, that's fine. And we can't act like that's a form of censorship. That bothers me when comics are like, no, I'm being silenced. I'm like, you could say a joke. Still on Netflix. Yeah. What do you mean? Yeah.

I mean, some people just don't understand, like, the concept of arrest. And some people just don't like it, and that's fine. I watch the video. Zach watched the video of the slave... Dr. Umar talking about the slave ship in a bottle show. And then the second time he says it,

you hear one of his guys laugh in the background. Well, that's when Patrice was on Fox News, and he was doing his joke, and there was this lady who was like, it's not funny. It's against women. He's like, you don't know funny.

You're an expert on not funny on doing with this shit. I'm the expert on funny. He goes, the joke was the angry pirate. you kick a girl on the shit you come in her eye kick her in the shin she hops around and goes arg holding her eye

and you heard the camera guy go you go see that's who that's who I'm doing this for not you and that's exactly it yeah I mean it's the crazy thing too is like the volume of jokes for that like so like you know I was on Shane's team

it was it me Amico Is that a thing though like in backstage like whose team you get on it was this year was Shane got to pick his own guys So when you got on chain team, that was like Patriots? I never met him, but I was recommended by Soder. Right. Because they're good buddies.

And soda was like, you should get Lawrence, you should get Amico. And so Nick Mullen, J.P. McDade and Dan St. Germain. We were his team. And we wrote 93 pages of stuff. Wow. Six of it aired. Oh, shit. That's that job.

Right. The volume and everything. And so it's like you're, you're so exhausted by the end of it. It's this weird thing of like My main thought when it was over It's like oh I'm unemployed again But you know but like so tired It's such a shit thing as a writer

Yeah is that at the end of a show You're like oh I gotta go find a job Yeah which don't exist anymore I could get staff STAPA Yeah But I can't get staff STA F F F-ED

Wow It's it was yeah it was I had fun with it and then then Pete joined like the roast did I write for him. So then it was like my job became like even crazier and all that. But it was it was cool. And yeah,

I never worked with Shane, but he was like really awesome and listened to us and shit. Right. That's the thing is that, but people don't realize like writers on that, we are an insurance policy. Like if you listen to us, we're not going to fuck you over.

Right. And most comics get that. Every once in a while they don't. Because they're like, I got it. Yeah. Yeah. And some do.

You know, like Jay is a guy where it's like, no, let him do his own thing. Yeah, j can do it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And people would be like, should I ask him?

Should I'm like, he's fine? He's fine, yeah. I was a little nervous when he was like, I'm not, I'm going to write my own jokes. I was like, ah, shit. But I said to him yesterday, like, you know, it's like he's not a guy also. But he, but the specific thing he was doing was not going to destroy in rehearsal. Because it's not for a rehearsal. No.

Same with Cheryl Underwood. And then when they're on stage in front of all those people, they become, they do this thing. Yeah, they do this thing. And that's just some people, and it's like, those were like two of the longer standing veterans on the show. Right. They know their own process. Don't fuck with it. Well, that's the thing, too, is I was bummed that Jay didn't get the credit he was supposed to get.

When he did that, I was like, fuck, this is going to skyrocket him. I was so excited. Yeah. This is going to do what it did for Nicky. You know what I mean? What it did for Tony. Because he just did. And they fucking made it about some other bullshit.

Yeah. And they don't even mention Jay. They were like, it wasn't even his friends. I'm like, he's one of his closest friends. They used to drive to the city every night together. Yeah. I mean, sure, Kevin skyrocketed past Jay and everybody else and never talked to him again, really.

And, you know, hired a whole of the team and gave them money. And Jay had to struggle it up with Louis Gomez in a basement of Creek in the Cave. But now he's doing great. Preferring to do sketches in prison if he could. Which some would say is the same thing. Are you going to do another one? Yeah, I mean, it's got my kid health insurance, man. No shit.

Yeah. It's good money. It's decent money. Yeah, it's like, that's the thing is I do. 500,000? No, not for me. I do write for other comedians and stuff, but that's not WGA work. I need to make X amount of WGA work a year, and the roast is.

So let me ask you a question. You write comics acts? I have before, yeah. Really? Or with them, yeah. Look how excited you, Scott. Hamburger. He came up.

He can't. He can't start back up his Patreon. Even if I had the money, I believe in myself. It was just like you were talking before. There's like, what is it? False reality with a cheeseburger. I was like, you're going to lose it. the lactose

and tolerance I can't explain it hamburger just go hamburger I don't know there's a thing I mean there is a thing that like you know

to have a guy right your set like to have a guy Mike write an hour for you you'd be like oh it's gonna be real good yeah

you know what I mean this is gonna be way better than what's like or I'm gonna fucking hack it out for five years have three hours that I had to condense

into fucking an hour yeah and then go do it there is a there is it like man man this autistic

elf that makes shoes in the middle of the night. Yeah. There's our people that do that and they have no issue with it. But there is a thing where it's like, I've got to go do it myself. I mean, if you want a tour every year. And you're like, I wrote that. You can't take them from me. No, you're in the back of the room. You're like, I wrote that.

It's a random person. All right. Well, listen, you fuck guys, we're going to wrap this up. We're going to Patreon. We have questions for you guys from the fans. I hope you don't mind that. That's great. Mike, what do you got coming up? I have the Nerd of Mouth podcast on Last Podcast Network. We talk about all sorts of nerdy shit. We do weekly new episodes,

and we just did an episode on Cyclops from the X-Men. If you want to hear about him for 90 minutes, that is the place to go. Do you fuck the hole? From the X-Men? Yeah. He has too regularized. Oh, he's too regularized.

Yeah, he doesn't. And they would like... Oh, right. He has the thing over the top. Yeah, the beam would bring. I'm harass myself in front of you. Yeah, well, you don't talk about that shit like that. I apologize.

No, yeah. That's okay. I love that that offended him. Yeah, I was on the Pete Davidson show on Netflix. So you could watch that. The podcast. Yeah. Oh, that's cool.

Yeah. I will be opening for him two nights in September. Oh, nice. Yeah. Nice guy. He's a good guy. He's a really sweet guy. Yeah, really sweet guy.

He's a great guy. What are you got? Who's next? Jason. What do you got? The Jason. Alice.com for two or dates. I'm going to be in Salt Lake City, uh, 820 and then Denver 826 and 27 and then Arizona after that. But I got a special short notice on YouTube at the

Jason Alice show on Patreon, Patreon.com slash Alice Mae and then Horse Force on YouTube, a live stream. I do every day without fail. Rob Deerick was in my dreams. I'm already friends with him, but he was just in my dreams. And he said, don't do horse force five days a week, do seven days a week. and you'll get the money quicker to get the horse. And I was like, sounds like a plan. That's what he would do. He would do it a fucking three times a day.

Dude, he is. What's a horse? And the horses would be non-union. Horse forces, I do a live stream and people super chat and I got people to donate and I saved money. First, it was for charity for a horse rescue.

And then when I moved to Utah, I changed it to, this is now a budget for a horse. Like, whatever money goes in here, I'm just going to save it for a horse until I got a horse. And you have, I saw your horse. You have a beautiful horse.

He's awesome. What's the horse's name? Heroin. Max? Heroin. Where the fuck? Perelin the horse? It's catchy.

And you still do horse force? Yeah. Yeah, still do it. Because me and my fiancee still do it and everybody likes it. And it's also this weird thing where at first I was, it found, I found it really funny that someone would say the meanest, like just saying, you're irrelevant or you're a husband. Just made me laugh because I was like, wait. because I'm old.

Like I was on YouTube and I'm like, what is this? And people go, oh, some people go, Alice. And I'm like, oh, cool.

Somebody knows me on here. And then someone goes, Frank, you're washed up. And I go, wait, washed up. At what? Which one?

And now I'm in and I'm asking people why I suck. And people love it. They're just like, I try to do other activities and people just want me to read that, the worst thing about me and see me read it. And then I ask them why. Because it's always like, you know.

What were they saying you were washed up in fighting or skateboarding or radio? All of them. I have AIDS. I'm a Nazi racist. You're not a husband. I have no idea who the fuck you are. I try to tell them. That's why it doesn't work. I'm like, you can't insult somebody that doesn't think they're

anybody. You fucking idiot. Mike, I haven't known you in 10 years, but I fucking, I miss you. I forget that you just sit there waiting to have a nice hot one for something. I forget his autism is just going at all times like a computer. All right, what do we got?

Here we go. You can catch every Monday night on YouTube. I host a call-in show called Low Value Mail, M-A-I-L. It's pretty fucking wacky. I don't screen my calls. You let anybody call it? If you get in, you get in. So what's the weirdest call you got?

Oh, my God. I have full-blown Nazis. I have... I had one guy calling once. He was before the election, and he was like, He's like I'm part of a militia in, I think it was Alabama, and he's like, if Trump loses, we're going to paint the Capitol red. Like, basically, he's like, we have box trucks and we're basically going to go, like, take over the Capitol.

And, like, it honestly, like, sounded pretty serious. Like, I was like, I was expecting, like, the FBI to, like, show up in my house being, like, wanting his phone number. And how do you make that funny? No, I didn't. Oh, it's not a comedy show. I mean, he certainly isn't now. Yeah, yeah.

It's not, it's sometimes comedic, but it's, but it's, it's not a comedy. It's more like coast to coast. Okay, go. He's fucking dickhead. And the boys cast every Friday on YouTube. He's like having AI. I just threw it out there and I was like waiting for him to do something. All right.

What are you got, man? Chris, what do you got, brother? Hi, Society Radio. That's me and Chris Stanley over on Gas Digital. You can get that wherever you get podcasts and on YouTube. And check out a show at the Armored League. We do live shows. It's guys dressed like knights.

What? Wait, sliding? Yeah, they do MMA. Somebody called you out at the last show. I think Harrington texted you about it. Yeah, he's like some guy that does stresses nights and fights wants to fire you. And I was like, dude, he's a champion.

At night fighting. I'm, dude, I'm 54. If I don't know you, then why? Well, what if we could put a snake in the armor with you? What if I'm not doing that shit? That's stupid. I will never put that shit. Where do you get a night outfit?

A blacksmith? You haven't seen it, have you? No, it's pretty fine. You know there's people like, He hasn't seen it. It's pretty big, Bubby. It's fucking everywhere. Who do you think fucks the tunnel lady?

What's your fucking dragon slays to pretend an area of the main body? How much does a night outfit cost? I mean, probably a lot of money. I don't have one. Oh, you don't have one? They got swords in their hand. I don't understand. You can't stab anyone.

What are you doing? Can you borrow somebody's if you don't have one? Sure. All right. We'll finance suit armor for Jason. Fucking Jason, that'd be sick. You know what wouldn't be? It would be awesome.

Wait, I'm in a, not. Just to wear a night outfit. You like that? There's guys who grow headkicks in night outfits. Yeah, but you've got a metal helmet on. Who cares? Oh, it's kind of cool. You never wanted to wear a night outfit?

I would do a jousting thing as long as the horse didn't get hurt. Do you know how much he would be happy if they made a night outfit in his size? Did you really? Did you really? It's one of those old woodburning stove from a cottage. Even the night outfit has a gut. Yeah, yeah. Like, what?

Fuck you. You just see hammer marks where they had a little. roundout medal. I'm going to be, is this me? Yes, Robert Kelly Live. Punchup.com slash Robert Kelly Live. I don't know why you fucking losers don't have a punchup.

You should get a punchup page. I got a punchup page. Why don't you promote that? What is it? I forgot. What's wrong? You're wondering, you gotta fucking be better, Jay. What's the...

Oh, God, you're making me realize. You got to. Wait, there's a speaker of myself. Sorry, I got brain damage. I forget everything. I love that the guy who got bit by a snake seven times isn't trying hard enough. I know.

Pretend it's the radio. Pretend it's a hippo you're going to fuck. All right. So, like, tomorrow I'll be getting bitten by a snake while I plug tickets for Denver. All right. Perfect. Go to punchup.com. I'm in Brooklyn at the new improv. Have we done it? The old second city.

Is it cool? Yes. I can't wait to play it. I'm excited just to do a headlining gig in New York and just come to the club. I can't wait. I'm going to go to dinner over there by myself. Do some weird Brooklyn shit. Sure.

I'm just going to Lugers is right there. I don't really like Lugers. I don't like you. That's fair. I'm not a fan. I had the most insane diarrhea in the last of my 8th there.

Yeah. I went there one time I was like, I was like, I was like, all right, I ate some fucking grumpy old guy. And I don't like that they cut your steak. And then just covered butter.

I like cutting my steak. I don't want you to any. I'm not into that. Yeah. Yeah, I'll go to some. It's like a one time thing. I'd go to a pizza place, just eat by myself,

waiting a line by myself. And then just have my phone. and do this like I'm Instagram, but I don't, but I'm not. It's just my screen grabbing my son looking back at me. It's just me looking at a young boy. Yeah, go to my pocket. And you're like, I swear that's mine. Dude, I had to do that when he shit himself at the Bon Jovi concert.

He was that happy to see Bon Jovi. I had to clean, I had to clean. I came up to tell me, this is my son. How old? He was in there wiping a boy's ass. How old is he? He was like five. Now he's 13.

Come on. Who else is doing? My kid's adopted, so people are always like, who the fuck? They're like, who's his real dad? Well, that'd be so weird if I saw you in a bathroom with a kid, wiping his ding-ding. I'd be like, you need to call the cops right now. There's a guy in a Marvel shirt with dirty glasses. He's making him call him daddy?

Oh, no. He keeps going to scol-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-b. I want to take you for a... We're going to Patreon.com right now. I have questions for all these guys from you guys. So if you want to be in the Patreon, make sure you go there. Support the show. I'm trying to buy a horse.

What if it's his horse? I'm trying to buy. How much for your horse? $20 million. Yeah, okay. What am I? If I get out of my body. I'll get another one.

I think you could have said $20,000. If I had that money, if I was a billionaire, I'd buy that horse and then I'd fuck it. On a live stream. What? In a night's outfit. What kind of shit is that? I was going later. What is the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yeah, leave my house out of it. I'll leave Max out of it. Is that his name? Don't say it. You don't deserve to say it after that comment. Max. All right, we're going over there right now.

Danny, what are you got? Follow me on Instagram and come see me a headline at Sunshend City Comedy Club in St. Pete, Florida, August 14th and 15th, and Claude in Philly, September 10th. All right. Joe. Hey, Joe Russell. Go to YouTube and go to Instagram and type. and jokes, Russell.

Thanks. Cody. Hey, is Cody. Go to Instagram, follow me at Cody the comic, and come to my show at New York Comedy Club on August 20th. Ooh, all right, check those guys out. Those are my producers, very funny young guys.

Make sure you check all these guys out at their stand-up shows and support them. And make sure you go to the Patreon and like and subscribe all that bullshit. We'll see you guys over with you guys are the best fans in the world. See you next time on. You know what, dude?