Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #653 | Tristan Bowling, Geo Perez, & Derek Drescher

Episode Date: August 23, 2026

This week on YKWD Tristan, Geo, and Derek talk freaking out in public. Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/Download Cash App Today: https://click.cash.app/ui6m/y0k6ofda #CashAppPod.Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Direct Deposit, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKW. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day. Where it all started before fun and crazy. This isn't NPR. That's the original. What's up, everybody? It's Robert Kelly.

We're back at the... Oh, man, the conversation before the show starts. It was great. We're back at the comedy seller. Comedy Cellar, Comedy Cell Studios, above the world famous comedy seller. You know what, dude. Y, KWD.

That's stupid that you do that. That was the dumbest thing. That was the most amateur. I can't hear. Yeah. Well, turn your volume up on your headphones. I mean, don't hit. They're not on the headphones, too.

They turn them up. No, it's right there. Oh, my God. You take it to us. I can't. I can't. It's not working. Oh, God.

I can't hear it. Turn mine up. All right. Danny, who do we got? We have from the On the Gate podcast. We have Derek Drescher and Gio Perez. And we have from Cockfight Podcasts in the Modern Apes podcast, Tristan Boland. Howdy. What's up, what's up, Bobby?

What's up, guys? Did you get your headphones working? Yeah, it's a connection issue. I got it. You got it? I'll make it work. Sounds like most of relationships you have. Yeah.

I got, I got it. Yeah, this is starting. The podcast is starting out a little cantankerous, right? a little like aggressive. You know what I mean? Like you came in, I came in with my little agent spiel and you guys attacked me back.

Like, what were you a fucking good? I thought you said Asian at first. That's why I said my Asian was at the, and I thought like you have like an Asian fan. I thought you said you were aging. Oh, Bobby! I didn't hear anything about. Bobby, I love you, Bobby.

I thought you had a rickshaw parked out front. You're in for like short round to take your room. Short round? Yeah, Indiana Jones, baby. I'm sorry. I hope you, Mr. Bobby Kelly. Help you. I wish you talked like that.

I wish I did too. I wish Danny and Joe talk like that. Oh, podcast. Really quickie. Come on. There's a lot of things I wish I could change about me. What? I don't know.

My dick. Dude, you're high as fuck right now. I'm not high as fuck. You're drunk as fuck. I'm not drunk as fuck. You look like your... I'll fix my posture. I'm sorry.

I had a long day at work. I have a day job. Don't fix your fucking posture. You relax on this show. Fuck. Don't listen to him. Fuck. Derek take me out of this one.

I'm fuck. Yeah, you attack me I didn't attack you at all We were talking about Well, it was an attack I take it as an attack I think this last time I snapped on I've snapped on a lot of people in the show

Yeah over the years I'm a fucking listen As you should I'm fucking shouldn't be doing this I'm crazy I am an insecure A fucking maniac That has to fight not

Like killing myself Or killing somebody else All day long And then I jump on a podcast and with a bunch of other, I don't do one-on-one. So what did you? I let you guys fucking attack me. I let you guys. That's the whole show is mean comics being mean to each other for 15 years.

I did a show at Lewis Gomez, Joe List, and fucking Dan Soda. It was the meanest thing ever. And I still do it. I have to do it tomorrow. And I'm dreading it. I was on Opie and Anthony. I used to stay up late at night and I used to go through my outfits like, what am I going to wear? Because they've made me throw out clothes.

You understand? I've been going. Rightfully so. Is this why you're so nice to it? Like all the older comics are so nice to us because you guys bent through so much shit that you guys don't want to pass the wrong? The older comics are not nice to you.

We talk behind your back. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. But that's, we won't know that. Fix your ears. It's freaking me out. I can't. So many people complain about that.

That's that fucking ghetto shit. Yeah, they like to curl their ears. Because in my ear just gets like red from being pressed in it. Oh, yeah. I snapped. Better than Brown. I snapped on Lev and then you told me you snap on Lev all the time. Every two to three times a week. I snapped on Lev recently.

I told him I hope he died today. Why? First of all, I love Lev. I love Lev too. I love Love too. But he needs an adjustment every once in a while. Like, we're his chiropractor. What did you snap on Lev for?

And how did you snap? You're going to say what he said? No. All right. I was going to say, don't say what he said. No, fuck no. You're talking about the Discord night. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That was bad. Yeah, no. I go into it. He crossed the fucking line. Dude, I went to Discord, so I made some stupid sketch on Instagram, and I called Lev. I'm like, yo, if I send this to you, can I, you watch it? And he's like, I'm in Discord right now, just go to Discord.

And then hangs up on me. So I go to Discord. It's like, you were ambushed. I was completely ambushed. I had no idea. I was like, can I, can I, like, show you the sketch? And he's like, yeah, I can feed you to wolves? And I'm like, that's not what I asked at all.

I'm like, I've been up since 7.30 in the morning. I shot a dumb sketch. It's like 1 a.m. I know you're the only fat man alive that would be like a, like, up. this late. So I know that you're... I see, bro, I thought that you had already been in. I must have came in right at the same time as you.

I thought this had been happening all like already all night. I was probably in the phone called for like 12 minutes, like 12, 15 minutes. The whole, for the whole thing. The whole thing I was in and now. Yeah. Yeah, you rage quit. Yeah, I rage quit. Because like, you know, Lev is a self-aclaimed

like rage baiter. Yeah. And he's really good at that. He's good. He can make you mad. He's good. Which is like... He's loving we're doing this right now. He loves it. But here's the thing. But is that a skill? Is that a skill?

Just be like, watch. I can poke this fucking burn until it's really bad. No, it's so easy. It's so easy. But honestly, he makes a fucking art of it. I will say that. It's a skill to get people tight and make the other ones laugh around you. Well, he's good at it though, but he always takes it a little too far.

And as soon as you push back in him, he goes, I'm joking. That's the part. That's the part when you, when, Someone pushes you and get you to go there and then you go there and then they pull back and they become the victim. Yeah. It's infuriating. He did that to me. It's infuriating.

We were going out. Gio was going to murder him. I had to talk about it. You were? Yeah. Even Gaines was like telling him he's like, you better stop. Like he gave him like a serious one. He's like, you better stop.

He looked like he's getting angry. What was he doing here? We were just hanging out out of front here and he just kept taking jabs at me the whole. Every time I say something, it just came back to, well, you're not in the cellar. Yeah. What are you doing here? And they're hanging out on the street. They're hanging on in the fucking street.

Yeah, that's kind of, I mean. And then he said, and he called me a faggot, and that's when I snapped. Bobby's just, Bobby's just, you faggots. And then I said, to you guys, to me. Bobby's just replaying. He was never if I was going to, hang on, let him get his line out. I was going to say Bobby's just replaying the thousands of times he's done this to other people. And he's faking sympathy this entire time.

Just being like, no, no, that's awful. I'm going to tell you the difference. I'll tell you the difference. The people I've done it to are my closest friends. We never trashed people we didn't like But what happened was A generation came up Seeing what we did

And they would just do it To anybody With it's like we never Like you could cut We never made like if someone came We wouldn't trash you Unless you fucking stepped out of line If you came down and just sat at the table

But what are you doing here? We just we wouldn't even do We just slipped the comic Comedy seller comics only table But Like we were vicious to ourselves But Lev, I love Lev, but I don't really know Lev, like I know Jim or Voss or, you know, like these guys are Jay or Lewis. So they can say certain things because I know they're my closest friends for years, right?

Right. But then when a dude that doesn't even, he really don't know that says some shit, you're like, what the fuck? Who the fuck? I don't. But he is a, he is a nice guy. No, he's the best. That's the worst part. He's one of my best friend. He DM me after and apologized like the next.

I'm sorry. And I felt bad, too, because here's the thing, he is a rage baiter and you do know he does this. And you should have the ability to go. It's just like, God damn it, he got me again. And that really also adds to it. It's like, why am I getting God again? I know this is what happens, and I just

keep on stepping in the fucking bear trap. I know. Well, you did stop, Leib, one night out on here on the street, and you did tell him to keep doing what he's doing. No, as far as comedy. I don't know. I think that was misinterpreted. I don't think he took it like that. Did you say this to him after the Michael Chey post?

That's the thing that Bobby, too. He went all fucking serious on fucking. The White Knight? Ah, this motherfucker. We were all like, dude, this isn't the one, dude. We like Chee. Che's all right. He was like, you can't fucking do this if you're going to do that.

Stop. I had a blast watching that shit. Oh, it was very funny. I love White Knight, love, sir, big and tall. I think the biggest one I ever, me and Lewis have gone into it a lot. Those are good. Online? No, just in person.

In real life. I've gotten into with me and Voss. That's how he became friends. I hated fucking Voss's guts. He was a cunt. And then one day we were at the cellar table and he was fucking with me doing his stupid fucking

whatever. And I took a cigarette and I threw him across the room. And he got so mad at me flipped the table over and got wings all over me. And I was going to, we got nose to nose.

And I was like, and then we just started laughing. We were like, What are we going to do? Fucking roll around on the fucking wing floor right now. Have you ever came to blows with a comic in your whole life? Have you ever came from comics? Yeah.

Have you ever came? Have you ever came? Have you ever came to blow? Let's get to the brass tacks. It was a fat one in Pennsylvania that made me come. Oh, really? A fat one you said. She's out of the business.

A real loinker. No. She's out of the business? Rosie O'Donnell. No. She's back in. She was fucking hosted the Kimmel Show last night. Did she?

Yeah, she hosted. She guest hosted. Did a whole monologue. You didn't see that? She still works. I don't know. She came back from Ireland. My theory is that she's going to take over the show.

I think Kimmel's going to bow out. Really? I think he's done. He's been doing it forever. Yeah. You know, he's like, he's a family guy. He probably wants to go live with fucking enjoy his millions and go do stand-up again and

fucking enjoy life. I think she's going to come back and take over the Kimmel show. That's my theory. On the tail end of the Trump administration, she's just going to go. I think on the tail end of it, to be involved in it, to carry it. She's dying to come back. She trashed. She trashed Trump last night.

She goes, if he was mad that he's the host of the show, imagine how maddie is tonight. And he goes, she goes, I know you're watching. Which is fucking all. Well, I thought her monologue was weird when she just stopped talking and chewed cud for 35 minutes, Ray? Was that weird? Who's what I like him?

Chewed cud. I love Tristan, dude. I'm saying she's a cow. Yeah. Well, we got it, buddy. We got, we got, we were great. Oh, that's what you, man. All right.

Now I can laugh for real. They have multiple stomachs, so we digest different. So stuff gets, it goes back. I was joking, I got it. They chewing. I grew up with cows. Really? Damn, I'd love to meet your mother.

We have cows on our property. What? My grandmother had cows on her property. I think you say grandmother was a cow. Where did you grow up? I called his mother a cow just night. No, when I would go out to DR and visit my family out there. Oh, not in the Bronx.

Oh, fuck no. No. They do have cows. You've never heard of the cattle farm in the Bronx? They do have cows in the fucking Bronx. chickens too yeah i had chickens in long island i lived with the african roommate and he came home i was he had rice like some type of friday i was eating it and i was like dude this mushroom is great i go what type of meat is that he goes cow i went where what kind like where did you get it he goes

the bronx yeah i was like you got a cow in the brink he goes yeah i go what type of mushroom is this he goes it's snail i was like it was like a i thought it was a mushroom this big it was a snail this I was like, this is fucking nuts. But was it good when you ate it at first? It was good until I found out that mushroom was a snail and that the cow was from fucking four blocks up. That doesn't make me feel good. Sucks to get a local cow.

You get like an eighth weed too? Local cows are no good. When I see it something that says grass-fed local, I don't want it to be two blocks down. It shouldn't be your own Fordham. Yeah, unless you're in the Hampshire. A butcher shop right on Atlantic Avenue. The goats would like escape sometimes.

They'd be running all over. They would what? The goats would what? They escape the butcher shop on Atlantic Avenue. Escape? Escape. Escape. I thought you said, escape. Escape. I don't know what the fuck the way you talk.

He has prison education, Bobby. You should know. You're right. I forgot these. As someone with juvie education. Not as advanced as their education. Yeah, you got grammar education. I got my community college. He got a university department. You spelled the license plates. They made him. And he got Lev education the other night.

You got a nice hot one. Yeah, right on my love. Right on my chest. Can I ask you a question? What is you? I know what your snapping is. Yours is probably similar to mine. I guess yours would be similar to my flipping out.

I would love to know what your type of snap is. I just get mean. Like, like you verbally. Yeah. I feel like you screech. Like your voice screeches. No, I just get quiet.

He said something mean to me. It was hilarious. I think there's nobody meaning. What did I say to you? You were like, you're just a junkie convict. You just went right for the fucking. Like, in the green chat. Remember what I said to you?

What that's like saying that to me is like calling, Oh Yeah, yeah, I do remember that What'd you say? Something with the N-word? Yeah. Oh, God. That's his N-word, junkie.

No, I was just like, I'm like, I think you're giving me shit about, like, not in being into sports. I'm like, dude, you're literally a junkie. Shut the fuck on. I'm like, you're a convicted criminal. What did you say to love? No, he came in, and then,

because, like, he made me mad the previous night, and then I was at the stand just talking with people, and I saw him come in, and he has already had a couple beers, and he came up behind me and said, what, what's up? And then called me the F slur. I don't know if we're putting it's not over YouTube.

That's fine. He already said it nine times, but no, don't say it. Yeah, well, I'm not him. Yeah, I know you. I have aspirations. Yeah. But he shook me and then said it.

And then immediately, I'm like, you're not the person I want to see right now. And he's like, why? He's like, did I make you mad? I'm like, yes, you did. And then just, I walked the way. And then he was, and then he just got mad that I was mad.

And then you wiped him. I wiped him. And then in retrospect, he did acknowledge that his introduction was a little rough. Like me talking to strangers and having a large man come up, shake me like a soda, and call me the F-sler. It's a little rough. It's a little rough on people who you don't know. Yeah.

It's just feeling, I'm associated with this guy, and this is okay. Yeah, see, bro, we're not that far apart. I don't play that shit either. I don't like that stuff. No, you love that shit. No, I do not. You love that shit, too. I don't like people fucking saying faggot to me.

Jesus. I don't. To a baby in an open carriage, yeah You should have to throw your coffee in there Or inviting me to the genitals and all that shit I don't like Biting you, what? Inviting me to the genitals.

What the fuck is that? Are you on OxyContin right now? No, I have a Zinnon. You should get the thing out of there. Are you trying to be smart to impress him Inviting me to the genitals? Well, you didn't like me saying the other one, so I didn't know.

You can say he's suck my dick. This is a faggotten. Invited me to his genitals, that. Can I gain a courtship with your penis, please? You don't like being called a homosexual. Excuse me, I have a 230 with your balls. Can I move it to my chin? Telegram from my penis.

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It sucks having that in you. I would rather, I'd rather, I would love to be able to deal with somebody, the wife treatment. Just be like, I'd love to be able to just go, what you did was wrong and walk away. It's the coldest shit you can do. Yeah, but it's so great. No, just be like, it's like, I'm mad at you.

And then I turn and walk away and visibly have fun in direct eye contact. Yeah, it's so much better. Like, oh, friends. Because there's no way out of that. Anybody who's not left. There's no way out of that. With ours, you immediately make, we're wrong too now. You were wrong, but if I did that, you'd still be wrong.

I would still be right. I did do that to my friend one time. He said, I told him you upset me. He goes, I told him we were friends. And I went, not anymore. And I walked away. And you wiped him? He was like, you just boarded a train.

And never went back? Not anymore. You don't make eye contact as you get to a seat. It's just like in an open window. It's a slight headshed. Well, it's hard to do a lot. It's easier to do out in the open.

You know what I mean? It's harder to do when you just Bing, bang, boom, bang, bang, and it's going back and forth. And then, you know, one thing, you're like, all right, I'll let that go. I'll let that go. And then I'm a fucking letting that fucking go.

You know what I mean? And then you're like, shit, I got to say sorry too. But if I just got up for my podcast, I am not accepting this behavior anymore. and left this podcast. And I told Danny, get him out. I refuse.

I refuse to partake in this behavior. I will not be spoken to you like that. Yeah. And Lev is a sweetheart, though, because he's like, I'm so sorry. I tip my hat to Tristan because he was getting hit from about four fucking angles and with two other guys just laughing the whole time. Oh, really?

Yeah. And he hung tight. But he deserves it, too. I mean, he deserved. Yeah, he's one of the meanest young comics out there. He deserved everything except for one part. Oh, really? Yeah. What was that?

Yeah, I can't say. No, you could say it. No. Was it bad? Yeah, it was bad. You say something about your face? No. No, worse.

Worse in his face? Parents. Hey. Oh, parents. See, he just, you wife me. Hey. You really can't say anything about Tristan's father's. Tristan, I met your father at the MSG night.

One, he looks like Sam Hyde. And also, he's the man. His dad is dumb. His parents were awesome. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, there's always, everybody's got that thing, that Achilles that you got, and I got mine. Mine is, I have good parents.

No, no, no. Yeah. In the long run. In the comedy world, yes. The thing is your Achilles isn't going to be your Achilles forever right now. Yeah. You're saying me having good parents is the leaven my armor? No, no, no.

The thing that got you, that was really bad that night. It had nothing to do your parents. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I want to know. I want to know. I want to know why I'm not in this, Jew, chat.

that you guys start. Bro, you got to fucking... It's called hosts at the stand. Oh, no, no, I was good. It's a fucking Discord. You don't want to be in it. Yeah, you don't. You have children.

Dude, I've gotten into it with Patrice. Me and Patrice is going to fight one night. A fist fight? Yeah. Over Discord? No, just over him being mean. He got real mean. What did he say to you?

I forget. I've said mean shit to him, though. I remember one night, he said something about me. And I was like, yeah, well, you have diabetes. You're going to die. He went... He's like, Bobby, that's true. Like, why would you...

I mean, you called it. I did. You should place a bet. If Kowshi was back then, then you would have run out of your man. Yeah, he, we were going to, I was like, fuck you, you fight. We were fighting. And I was, I lost it on him. I was like, I'll fuck you up.

And he just calmly went, Bobby, well, you're punching me. What do you think I'm going to be doing to you? And I went, oh, that's true. There's always a way out of funny. You know what I mean? If you're friends, you can always find out. Me and Norton have gone at it. Norn's the worst, because Norn,

doesn't care. He hates tough guys. He hates... You can fucking do whatever you want. He would get me so nervous because he blinks a lot. But he will fucking humiliate you, quite fast. You know what I mean? The best is Jay. Because Jay has the ability to take you down verbally, but he can fuck you up too. You know what I mean? He's a big guy. He doesn't seem

like a guy at fight, but when he tells stories of him getting into people, I can't picture him being like. Now, Jay can fuck you up verbally quick and hurt you. But if it gets to the point where he'll be like, all right, let's, I'll fuck you up right now. Like he can fuck you up. Yeah.

That's the worst. You know? Does he take anything serious? Jay? Yeah. No, he's always funny. Why? Oh, you, because he's never...

I just never seen him, like, open up or be... You know what I mean? Honestly, you'd be surprised? Upright bass. Upright bass. He takes that shit serious. What's that? He plays the upright bass?

He plays the upright bass. He plays the upright bass. You can see him at the blue note. Every other person. But the fact that you have to explain your jokes to him, every other joke really bugs me. Yeah. the fact that it's, yeah, it's a big, it's a fucking cello.

You've never seen an upright. You should have said cello. That's not what it is. It's an upright bass. No, it's not. It's an upright bass. It's like a cello. All right.

Oh, my God. He gets mad as like a little angry rat. Subway, rat. That's a weird thing to say. I'm sorry. There was one time I generally want to hit him. Why? We was outside the stand.

And I was just saying something to him. And he looks at me with this same face. He goes, are you retarded? Are you retarded? Yeah, Tristan. has got me mad so many times. Oh, tell him about that one time with the patio. When you're telling me how to introduce you?

Yeah, what did I say? Listen, this is how I want you to bring me up. What did you? Did you slap me? Did you slap me in the face? Slap me in the face? Yeah, as I was about to go up. He slapped me in the face.

I got him back good later. He'll fuck him in the ass. I hit him in the balls. Yeah, he did hit me in the balls. No, but he was just going up, I'm like, would you want me to say anything? And he's like, I want you to say that they're about to experience the new change in comedy.

This next comedian, and we're on the patio in front of the stand. We're in front of the people that I'm about to go up. They're doing curbside comedy. Yeah, they're seating a bigger show at Irving Plaza between the show, like actively flowing through the show. There's homeless people watching the same show for free. And other people paid. And they're mad that it's happening, and they're right, because it's their house.

It's outside. That's where they belong. You did the right thing, kid. You did the right thing. I mean, you took your life in your hands? It was a very soft slap. And he danced away and brought me up on stage. Did he say your intro?

He said, I love this guy. I want to give him a big kiss. That's what he said when I bring him up. I want to give him a big old smooz. He invited you to his lips. You let him invite you to his lips? Invited me to his mouth. I'll play that shit.

You got understand, though, this fucking shit that we do, it's a bunch of egomaniacs with inferiority complexes. We're all fucking crazy. You know, to do this stupid job is nuts. You have to be fucking nuts. And you have to be insecure enough to be funny. And then we get around each other. And then we're mean.

And someone's going to have one of those nights where it's like, not tonight, fuck face. Yeah. But I've never fought somebody and like where I didn't make up that night. I saw Rich Voss tell a grown man scram the other night. told him to scram. If it was an open carries today, I would expect him to get shot.

Could you imagine being a grown man? Told kick rocks by someone who's two feet shorter than you in a fedora. Hey, I really enjoyed the show tonight. You were great. Scram. Well, Voss, the thing with him is he treats, especially new guys,

he'll fucking just. Oh, yeah, he was a real bitch to me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But then when the new guys get their nuts and their balls drop, yeah. And they're not afraid of rich.

and they come back, he doesn't understand it. And he takes it, he gets a little fun. Rich invited me to his birthday party. And I asked, are you sure you want me to come? I'm like, is this a favor? No, that means he likes you. I mean, I didn't show up. Why?

I don't know. No, I had to work. What do you do for work again? I do catering. Okay. Yeah. Is that why you look exhausted right now? Yeah, I've been up since 7.30 a.m.

You had to cater of somebody's thing today? Yeah. I had cater daily at like offices and shit like that. like AI hedge funds and like all that shit. And that, well... Just serving adult autistic guys healthy food. You get tips? Are you out of your mind?

No. No, we don't get fucking piped. Do you have an outfit? Put them goofy ass paper hats on? No, I do have to wear a hat in an outfit. What's the hat? Is it a beret? No.

It's a cangle hat? Yeah, it's a cangle hat. I'm dressed like a black Israel life. Go jean. Go trim shoulder pads. You have a leather belt? I say, you want spinach of colesla, what man? What do you want to eat you?

Eat a mite? Yeah. Kinewold brown rice. Would you like celery root mash? What devil? Oh, if you want to get Rich Mad quick, just say Free Palestine.

I can get rich mad quick. You sound like a scammer. Yo, if y'all want to get rich mad quick. You want to get rich mad quick? Sounds like an unsuccessful scammer. Yeah. You want to get rich. What, so I can also live in your van?

Write your name on the comment. I'll DM you with my scheme. Are you? Do you have plans of quitting soon? I mean, sure. I've been sitting on fortunes. Please don't get passive-aggressive. I'm just asking, are you at the point?

He's getting mad at me because he has a day job. Yes, correct. Fix it. Yeah, I'm trying. Fix it, Bobby. I tell everybody how funny you are. What do you want me to do? Kiss me.

Kiss me right now. Make it feel real. You have to slap me in the face first. I will. I know you will. I will. I'll be a little love tap. Fucking do it.

No. Don't do it. He just wants it to be for him. He doesn't want my hand on anyone. No, what I'm saying? Do you have, like, in your brain, do you have a thing? Like, a goal you're going to reach for you. Like, I'm out.

Well, enough money to be able to make 1,200 a month. So I could... As long as comedy subsidized 1,200 a month plus, like, basic living expenses, I can do it. I just haven't been there yet. I'm close. I'm closer than I've ever been. So you're right there.

I'm right there, but God damn it is right there. It does. I'm doing, like, comedy stuff later now. like all night like most nights and then I'm waking up for work most days that's my love brother I did that for I think I did that for 10 years in Boston I had five jobs and then I would

go out every night and do comedy you get it in the middle of the fucking night and then wake up the next day yeah you went up both you want up fucking hill and snow both ways to school I understand Bobby everything was harder back then I understand it's not that he said it's not that it's not that but the thing you're doing is you got one job I mean this was my

way of getting out of that show I couldn't do a job job I had to do a job that I could leave and get another shit job. I had four or five whatever jobs. Yeah. So I did two jobs. I waited tables two days a week. I worked with the retarded people at night,

but I gave me a free place to live. So you did stand-up? That was a stand-up, right? Yeah. I delivered flowers on Sunday. I did, you know, I did, I work with juveniles, two nights a week. So I did, I did a bunch of jobs that if any one of them was like,

hey, you can't go. I was like, fuck you, and I still had the other four. Yeah. But I also lived my, I have rent was, I mean, dude, I paid rent. How much was your rent? $50 a month? In Boston, it was $125 a month.

But it was a shithole. And then in New York it was a shithole. You're right. I'm living in a palace. Where are you living? Bedstoy. Is it a shithole? It's three guys, one toilet.

It's not a lot of fun. Dude, that's fucking, what are you talking about? That's not fun. Do you have rats? I mean, I have two other guys. One of them's a fucking rat. Do you have to sleep in the same bed as him? Yeah, we all sleep like, we all sleep like Charlie's grandparents.

Me and Billy Burr, his bed was. His bed was in the hallway to the other guy's room. We had to put a curtain up, and an African guy would walk by your bed in the middle of the night a few times. And I slept on a wooden couch. You know, you guys all want fucking apartments that are nice.

Why don't you get a shithole? Lewis had an apartment. It's slanted. He deserved that. He deserves to live in a little. He deserves to live at an angle. Yeah. We all know.

He should. He needs to be a bounce. He should wake up like Wallace and Grombeck getting ready for breakfast. He should shoot down. down to bed. Into clothes. Into a tank top and sweatpants. Yeah. Are the other two guys comics for certain or not?

One is, one isn't. What's the guy who isn't? He does software stuff. He just moved in at the beginning of this month. Yeah, Peter. Shout out. Shouts out, Peter. Nice guy? He's the man. Regular guy. Yeah, regular ass, dude. Now, who has the best room?

He does. It's the biggest. So make him pay more. He does. It's the biggest. He does. It's the biggest. Oh, I'm sorry. No, we play all even It's communistic Zoran told us Do you pay the least?

I think so I have a tiny room Right That sucks And you can have your cat The cat can roam Yeah Gus is hanging Did

Oh good As long as they're cool with him Yeah Everyone loves Big Gus He's the chillest boy in the world All right Shots out Shots out big Gus

Is that the thing That somebody made fun of Gus And you snapped Close Close Close Close Close

I think Gus would have been worse Actually Really It would just be Unnecessary That's the word. There's certain things that are unnecessary. I think Lev called my kid fat.

You know what I mean? He did. Which is... You were here? Yeah, I was right here. He was right there. Well, I said something. I was like, he's not.

And he said, no, you kid. He said, no, your kid's fat. He's a piece of shit. Yeah, he got Alpha with me and then did that. And I don't... I love Lev, but I don't... You ain't that with me, dude. You know what I mean?

So it was like, dude, I'm gonna fuck and let's just go deal with it. You know, Love's a big guy too. It's not like I fucked with him. That would be unfair. Lev's a big guy. So it was, but Ken La... I can hold my own?

I'm sorry, you could fucking hold your own balls. Yeah, over your head after you're knocked down. Dipping them delicately into your mouth and eyes. Danny, Danny would fuck you up. Yeah, because he would want to go second. Stop hogging it all. Yeah, he's got to wake up any second. Yeah, but there's no, there's no pause either.

Hey, real quick, one second. Hey man, you know what I mean? We're live. So it's like, hey, one second, give me a second. Pause everything. Hey, dude, don't do that because I'm going to really fucking, you know, you don't have that minute to go, hey, man, I'm mad at you and walk away. So it's like your brain just snags. So you throw a candle?

Yeah, well, it was a fake candle. I wish it was a lit one. And Lev's face caught on fire. Just waxing fire. That would make Lev famous, too. You'd have a whole new hour on his burnt face. Probably 30 minutes. 10.

Then you go right into where you from? I snapped today at work and I had to make a police report but I feel like cops might show up to my house too. Wait a minute. You snapped and you're going to make a police report? Well, he snapped on me first. From him snapping.

You reciprocated. Yeah. Spanish guy? No, no, no, white dude snapped on you. White dude snapped. Well, he snapped on his son first who was ordering the McDonald's. I was doing DoorDash.

And then I go to the front door the lady's like, oh, it's the people on the side go through that fence. Oh, yeah, whenever it's on the side door to the house. So I go through the side fence. Whenever somebody's sharing a house. It's like, ah, that's not here.

This poor kid. Yeah, he doesn't, he's not allowed a front door. Yeah, we send him around the side. You got to go up cement steps. Huh. So I go knock on the door. The kid's coming out

and his father's just cursing at him. Really? Because something about the dog. And then he comes out. Curseing. Like, what's, like show it. Let us. Close the fucking door, you.

fucking asshole. What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm trying to fuck my dog. This is normal stuff. I got peanut butter on my cock. I'm trying to fuck my dog. The door dash is almost here. Come over here.

And then once he stopped screaming at his son, he looks at me. He starts screaming at me. What do you scream at you for? He's like, hey, read the fucking sign, you fucking asshole. Only guys who fuck their dogs come back here. Come back. You can pull your cock out puts a peanut butter on it. Red Rocket, Red Rocket.

Yeah, you're going to fuck this dog or I'm going to fuck this dog. She's a slut. That guy just starts. How do he look? He was like a fat. Well, I don't want to say you're fat, but he wasn't fat. But he was like, like your side. Why are you looking at me?

Because he was like, with an almost pick him. No, Bobby. All right. Go ahead, pick me. He was like, you've been a little taller. He was like, tall than me. Was he, what do you mean? Like, what do you mean fat?

He was like dad bod. I have dad bod. I have dad bod. Dad bod. Is he fatter than me? Uh, yes. Oh, if they fucking just say he's fat. You don't need to use me an example.

I was trying to be nice, Bob. I don't want you to throw a fake candle at me. First of all, we had to get rid of all the weapons on this table. Let me get that bell real quick before I finish. This is my final book. You have to have shoes that aren't weapons whenever you record this. There's a lot of wear shoe laces. I'm actually strapped into this chair right now.

You can just say he's fat. You didn't have to give us a comparison at this table. Well, I was trying to say what he kind of looked like. Yeah, we describe him. You fat guy, Bobby. I'm not trying to call you. Yeah. He's just like you, but taller and better looking.

And hair. No, he was ugly. He was an ugly dude. You're way better looking. Yeah, but the weight fit him better more. Like, it looks different on you. No, you know he looked like? He looked like the fat cop from Super Troopers with the mustache.

So that's what I look like to you. No. And he's more successful? You look like that guy. They just put out Super Troopers three. What the fuck, man. Fuck, man. And it's got good reviews.

Yeah. They're saying that movie comedy is back. Yeah. All right. So go ahead, you fucking asshole. As soon as I called him out, I was like, yo, I'm like, shut the fuck up. Like, you're bugging out over a $5 order,

you fucking asshole. And as soon as I said that, he let the door open. I asked one question in his defense, devil's advocate. What did the sign say? Beware a dog? Beware of dog. Yeah. It said beware of dog.

Yes. Now, let me ask you, was that dog barking? The dog was inside the house. Chilling? Chilling. So why was he? The dog started barking when the kid opened the door, but the kid came out and didn't let the dog out.

But the father's still screaming. At the kid. At the kid. Right. And then he calls me. me an asshole and say he's like, read the sign. I was like, listen, you're the owner of the house. But if you read the sign, beware of dog.

Yeah. But the dog's inside. Yes. Yeah. What would the sign have done? Nothing. Okay. Well, we're also forgetting that he's not entering the traditional entrance way of a home.

And then also. He's flanking the house like it's a swat. And he looks like him. I'm borderline breaking into that. Also, the guy, it's two o'clock in the afternoon. He's not working. Right. And he's ordering McDonald's for lunch.

No. Any house that has three mailboxes is bad. A three mailbox house is not a good house. No. This was a two mailbox. There's sauce packets in that drawer. Like the cement of the basement step were like unfinished too. Really?

Bare cement. She's a shit hole house. And then once I call him an asshole, he lets the door open and lets the dog out. He led the dogs out? He let the dogs out. What kind of dog? It looked like a black lab. Oh, shit.

I couldn't tell because all I remember was doing, there was like a battery. You can only see it was black and you ran. I saw something black running at me and I ran. There was a car battery. Working all day, you're still funny, kid. You still got it. Imagine how funny he's going to be when he's not tired. When he's got sleep?

Y'all are fucked. Wait until he gets his eight hours. It's over. Count your days. He gets rid of his tired lizard eyes. Oh, my God. When I have beautiful, luscious non-bag face. When you have English doll eyes again, you're going to be hilarious.

Oh, my God. When I get on the workout routine, when I get hot, hot Justin will come and he will be. Eight hours of sleep, fucking proper hydration. I think like, eating regularly. I think that might kill me. My body's not used to that. It's like we need a beef patty and a tall boy. You do drink too much alcohol.

Well, you shut the fuck up right now. Get a sip of your beer. Oh, you have a corz light there. Look at that. No, it's water. Can't you see? Why do you say he drinks too much? I have fucking.

Everybody that drinks, I say something. He's a hater because he can't control himself because he loves heroin. I don't drink either, but I understand. Yeah, you're a hater because you love cracking stuff like that. No, I'm just saying, I don't mind. I like what people drink and they can drink. So you've got to pretend like you like cigars. I love cigars.

Yeah. I really do. Drink a course light. See how much you like a cigar. I drink a course light, I'd fucking kill you. I love a cigar. If I was drinking, you wouldn't, you'd fucking make one podcast. And Lev would be dead.

He'd be up your ass. Like Hancock. I'm going to take that little guy and stick him in your ass. You're going to use me as a weapon to kill Danny. He would still be throwing out one lighters in his ass on. I'd be crushed. Did you run because the dog was black?

So you did it attack you? No, I threw a car battery that was at the stop kind of like behind me. A car battery is heavy. No, I knocked it over. Oh, okay. And ran through. No, no. kind of went like this, got to the fence, closed the fence, ran to my car.

The guy comes out, like, chasing me. The dog's coming after my car. I'm in my car already. He throws a screwdriver at my car. Hits it? Hit the windshield, but didn't do anything. Okay. And then he's like screaming at me.

I load my window. I'm like, fuck, you fucking faggot. And he's trying to, he's trying to rip a lamppost off his lawn. I guess this is going to spear it at my car. Where's the food? I gave it to the kid already. Oh, good. Inside eating.

I love that he calls the guy her pussy. He calls the guy the pussy, and he's running to his car. I'm running away from a dog. He's hyper-locking his car. Oh, you're running for the dog, not the guy trying to uproot fucking public light fixtures. But you see, the thing is this, right? Like, of all the shit G.O. has already been through in his life. Yeah.

Like, and he's just trying to make a buck. He's trying to make a buck. He's trying to make a buck. It's only a $5.00. He's making 50 cents. I went and wasted all on gas right after. And then, but look at what almost happened. Yeah.

I mean, it's a funny story you're telling it, but that could have gotten so much. Yeah, but if he did it, if he had that same situation, it would have been a different situation. Yeah. He probably would have just took it and left. Yeah.

Well, no, he would have made fun of the guy's sign, made fun of his dumb son, and be like, hey, man, I don't like what you're saying. Yeah. You know? I would have made fun of his son. He's like, hey, you know what happens on the YKWD podcast when you do that?

And then he would have pulled out. He would have pulled out of face. candle. He would have rants his coffee table to just pick up a candle. Then he does like the pitcher's knee where he like hicks it up and I'm like, oh, this is a sick scene dude coming right at me.

When was the last time you flipped out yesterday? You got a temperate. I had a bad flip out a couple weeks ago at the basketball court. I was playing horse. I was playing horse. I went out there to make a couple bucks. Wait a minute. You

play horse for money? Yeah. You're trying to, how are you blowing them? Are you that good at basketball? What are you, Woody Harrison? Yeah, they wouldn't get a jump? That good at hitting shots on that court. So you play dudes for money? I didn't know they still play.

I thought that was like in the 80s. You can still play for horse for money? You play for my, how much money can you win? $20 a game. $20 a game, you're playing horse. Yeah. That's fucking wise. And this kid, he was a young kid, he's probably in his mid-20s, mixed.

And his girlfriend was with him. And I beat him quick twice. Was his girlfriend, Rosie? Rosie Perez? No. She's quiet. She was a quiet thing. She used to read the encyclopedia? She's very pretty. She's quiet. He was very, and he started talking

a lot. He was getting pissed off. And I was just like, I, you know, I'm feeding him, I'm just knocking him down, like, really just like, ah, bro, don't look with birds ain't going to help you, shit. Oh, you're fucking? Yeah, I'm in, like, I'm in him now. Do birds help, though? You're inside? No, no, but he... No, I mean, in his head.

Yeah, I'm in his head. You're inside. But he missed a shot, and he looked up. And I don't look up. And I go, don't look up there. Don't look up there. No, look at my eyes. Look at my eyes. I'm here with you right now. You feel me?

So finally, we're right at the end of the third game. He can't get ghetto if he tried. No, you feel me? No, I'm asking you if you feel him inside your head, you know, like rent free. Yeah, rent free. I'm up in it. Thick. Yeah, section eight.

We told him to be wigger, Tristan, for the whole episode. Yeah, I told him to talk about that. Yeah. Instead of, you know a dude who's going to be like, you know what, C. You know what C? So. W.D. Y.K. WN. He goes over

to his girl. You're not good at acronyms. Leave that to him. You know what? He's very quick. I just watch a slot machine of letters just go. Why? K-A-W. And then the last one just

spun for it. Oh, no jackpot. Go ahead. So what happened? What's the thing that set him off? I'm going to tell you right now. So he, now in between shots, he's going over to his girl and talking to her for a second.

And I go, I'm like, come on, man. I go, is that your girl? That's your girl? And he goes, yeah, why? You want her? And I go, bro, nobody wants her. Oh, wow. I go, just you.

And he fucking lost it. Yeah, that's lost the. That's fucked up, dude. That's fucked up, dude. No, bro. Fuck my girlfriend. He's just really a cuck. No, dude.

Yeah, he. You don't know it's just fucking. And she heard it. She heard it. and he saw her face drop. Yeah, was she ugly? No, she wasn't ugly. She was hot.

She wasn't a bad-looking girl. She was quiet. She probably should not have been with that guy. This guy probably gets her involved in all kinds of things. Yeah, with guys who played horse for $20 and call her fucking ugly. I mean, bro, 15 minutes went by. I was up 60 bucks, bro. I was going to.

On this guy? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I was smoking him. You don't think it was the fact that he already lost 60 bucks and you were smoking him that was making him mad? That was definitely mad. But the thing with his girl was what set him off. So then he charges at me.

Right? And he got his arms like around the back of my legs. Oh, he tried to do a double leg? He tried to do it and pick me up, but I pushed down on his neck. Try to get your dick sucked? Yeah, bros, yeah. The top of his head was like right at my balls. I got your money. Now I'm going to treat your mouth like a pussy.

Now you're my bitch. And then I'm going to fuck your ugly chick. And I'm going to treat your pussy like a mouth. He looked over at his girl's like, your neck's bitch. I'm going to come in your mouth and put soup in your pussy. I opened my right hand and I slapped him right on it. Soup? Right on his ear.

Clam chowder. He went too fine, dude. That was crazy. I was a reed. He just wanted to use... Trading someone's pussy like a mouth? He just wanted to use the word soup. Soup is fun word.

I know. It's like poop, it's different. Poop soup. Sometimes poop is like soup. I'm going to have some tomorrow. We're going to steal it from your job? Go ahead, dude. No, I slapped him in his ear.

You slapped him his ear. That hurts. I knocked him cock-eyed. And then... And then, uh... And then, uh... He stumbled towards me again after that, and I hit him a couple times. And then by that time, she's yelling, and everyone's like, oh, my God, what's going on?

Because the park isn't what it once was. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck. And I'm like, God damn it happened again. And I like, I like walk backwards out of there. And then as soon as I hit the corner, you get your money? I ran home. Yeah, money was in my pocket.

I feel like a lot of times you mistake the park with the yard. So this is the thing. This is where I fucked up. Like, I wasn't in prison anymore. There's that. And then like, when he heard of yelling, he got to the ground and head. I remember He ran into a rock to get a shank

You know the whole run home I'm like oh I still got it You ran? Bro, as soon as I hit the corner I walked out of the park backwards Just to make sure nobody fucking But it was just The least suspicious guy there

It was just white guys selling cupcakes You know what I mean Is jabbling? No I'd rob it out the way out I would have He was in the middle of a farmer's market He just fucking knock some guy out

The court's changed So The court's changed He bumped into an old lady selling candle. This guy was probably, he's probably from Avenue C or D and he probably came over to that park to play. Some woman's trying to buy locally sourced a roguila and you're just beating up some young guy. That's exactly what happens. Was he a white guy?

No, he was probably, I would say he's either Spanish or black and white. Black and white? Or black and Spanish. A little mulattoism. Yeah. Great cookie. Yeah. What was the girl?

She looked like she was also Spanish. Sounded like she was fat. Yeah. No, she wasn't fat at all. She wasn't fat. She was cute. But when I said that, it hurt her feeling. Yeah, you told a woman she was ugly to her.

I didn't say she was ugly. I just said, no, bro. Nobody wants her. Just, yeah. Nobody wants her ugly, dude, in a weird way. I mean, that's, I would see. Nobody wants her but you because she's so unique. Because you're such a diamond in the rough that only a real artist can tell.

Once I saw the effect that had on her and him, I immediately started laughing. When I, after I said it was funny? I thought it was hilarious. Right. And he didn't like it. What a good cherry on top. to the entire altercation. It just being like,

your fucking wife's gross. I have. Look at all the teeth I don't have. I'm taking your grocery money. I'm embarrassing you in front of your old lady. You think the guy goes grocery shopping? I don't know. I think he doesn't have EBT?

I was about to say, that sounds like a snap customer if you ask me. Yeah, that guy who gets a bag of Doritos and a fucking Dr. Pepper. Someone who goes zero for three on horse with a guy in the park? You think that guy's good with his money? You think he's going to the DeChiccos on Sunday?

Yeah. Geez, I got to pull more out of my Roth IRA. It was at least going to cover the Boost Mobile bill or something like that. I'm pretty sure he borrowed that money from the girl. So I ran, you might be right about that. What's the most money you've ever gotten playing hustling? A couple hundred bucks. Really?

Hustling basketball. Basketball, pool. Yeah? Yeah. Guys, old men with white guys. What's an old hustle? What did I used to do? So there was this thing me and my buddies used to do.

We go and point a gun at someone. No, so what we used to do is we're in the bathroom, play a little tiptoe on the other side of the stall. We unveiled a little hole that's cut in between the stalls. Ooh, easy $20. Get easiest hustle. Get rich, mad quick. Listen, listen, never lifted a toe the entire time.

Just sat there. Oguas. So that, you know, I run home, and I'm like, I still got it. I'm talking about it. Then I call my father. It's crazy you running home from. from an altercation in your head saying you still got him. Well, I didn't want the police to come, bro.

Exactly. Yeah. You hit a man. Yes. Yes. Well, the man that did attack me. If they looked at... He verbally hit him.

Yeah. And the man went and attacked him. So what was he supposed to do? Words aren't hands. I have learned that. Huh? Words aren't hands. You can say words, but you can't say hands.

I had no choice about to do what I did. I hated that. You can say words, but you can't say hands. Put that on a poster. I hope you should put on a shirt and sell it. He's a merch. But this is the thing. This is where I should have just walked away.

Or, you know. Or you could have done it. You could have just finished the game. You know what I mean? You could have just finished the game and been like, all right, man, whatever. But Bobby, you know what it's like when you got somebody like that. I know, I know. Bobby, you're a piece of shit.

Come on. You got somebody like that. Everything, you're on. You're on. I didn't. I've never played a sport for money. Yeah, but it's not even about. I would just steal shit.

I'm not talking about being on with the sport. I played sports, but I was never good enough to hustle. I'm talking about. I'm talking about. about everything you're doing and saying is funny to you and it's upsetting them. Which makes you feel power. Yes.

And then when he attacked you, you knew that you had more power. Physical power. It's a real crushing for one sort of situation. Yeah. And then when he grabbed you, you're like, this is great. Now I get to hit him. I get to get some of them. Well, I go, I'm either going to hit him or he's going to pick me up off the ground. Well, you pushed his head down. Yeah. And that

was enough to stop to pick it up off the ground. Yeah. And then you boxed his ears. Like an old Irish guy. Yeah, like your Sherlock Holmes fighting. Yeah. Boxing his, discombobululate. Yeah, push head down.

Box ears, ringing in the head. Go for the belt. Go for the belt. To pick a guy up when you have his balls in his mouth. But here's the dump part. Go for the belt. I'm talking about backwards. Don't bump into the candle cards.

Button fly. Zipper. Pants are down. Boxers. Backwards. Backwards to the curb. Backwards to the curb. Backwards.

Pick up a ruler. Eight inches. Don't knock down the stall of fruits. When you got home, did you feel bad? I felt horrible. Here's the worst part. Now you can't go to that court. I call him on the phone with my father.

I go, Dad, I take DJ to that court. He goes, not anymore. Yeah, you can't. Not anymore. He'll find you with his friends. I was talking to my other buddy. I go, I wouldn't have me slide. No.

I wouldn't let me slide. No, he'll be down there with a couple of his friends one day. You go down and you'll be with somebody that, you know, that can't, and he's going to be, oh, there's that motherfucker. All you're going to hear is, hey, you want to play a horse now? Yeah. And they're just going to, every letter's going to be. Who's DJ, your nephew?

DJ's my nephew. Yeah, DJ, they're just going to be holding DJ by the shirt. Yeah. Oh, they beat the shit out of it. They're going to play a horse with him. They're going to slap his ears. It's going to be like the, is it a casino, the scene in the cornfield? Yeah.

Oh, with the bats? Yeah, yeah. I felt bad. Yeah, you got to go back and fix it. That's what I was thinking about Dylan. How are you going to, I don't know. I gave him his money back from the horse? No.

Then you lose. No, then you lose. You got to go back. You beat up his girl. Yes. No, you go back and you go like this Hey man, what's up? And see where he's at

And be like, yeah, I didn't mean to say that I got heated, you got heated And he's gonna be, all right, yeah, cool And then he's not what he's going to fuck you up And then I'm gonna find out Derek got shot that day What are the chances he's gonna hit you With a water under the bridge, pal And just be like, I've recently

Recently become a born again Christian See, I have... Hang on a second, that's a saying What? The water under the bridge. What does that mean? It's not the Brooklyn Bridge. We're not talking to

about the ships that pass. You can't drink water from the bridge. It's not drinking water. Yeah, no. I'm glad you can drive. I'm glad you don't drink or do drugs anymore. How's that? Oh, I, well, I, I don't do heroin anymore.

That's good. And I haven't smoked weed in about a little over a week. That's a lot. He's been calling me every day going, ah, it's odd, man. I go, shut the fuck up. I can't kill it. Smoking. I haven't touched weed since it got good.

I used to smoke the plant You should start smoking ween. Yeah? Yeah. Do you have any more advice? Tons. Should I get a day job too? How are your tickets selling?

Pretty goddamn good. All right, then no. I'm all right. Well, dude, yeah. That's the worst part of getting to fight with somebody is that area of the town is off limits now. Yeah, no. Unless you're going to go down and be like,

fuck you and deal with it in a way. And then all the gay guys who were working out were like, oh my God, he's assaulting him. He assaulted him. You assaulted him. Oh, shit. You should have stopped. Listen, it's happened to me in my life before, too. I remember one time when I got out, I'm looking for a job, bro.

I got on a pair of fucking... People keep saying I'm insulting them after I hit them. No, bro, I got on... This is a weird trend I have in my life. A pair of 40... Like, the fucking shelter, I'm like, I need... I need clothes. I'm going on an interview.

They gave me a pink shirt, a green tie, and a pair of 42-waist fucking khakis. I look like a... try to make you look like a watermelon? I looked like a... What job were you going for? I was going for... Fairly odd parent? I was going for a job.

I literally threw that in the air and I was hoping he'd catch it and he did. I'll bring it to the net, Bob. He really did. Are you sure your tickets are going well? They're going all right. You should take me on the road, I'll see. That's called a parlet.

Fight Danny. No, I won't. Danny will win. You and Danny will win. the death. No. I think we'd come to a conclusion. It would be before death. Danny would just take his shirt off and you'd quit.

I'd just be like, hey, we're both tired. You're really wet right now. So, what are you going to do about? Are you going to fix it? I thought about it. I thought about like maybe just going over there and seeing it for seeing him, trying to talk to him, apologize. Try to spit a cipher with him. Something. You should bring a chair you can pull backwards.

and sit down in in front of them? Oh, you turn your hat back? Yeah. Listen, son. No, I think that would be... Listen, man, I understand how you feel because I was there. Yeah, that's a good technique.

I was you. Yeah, dude, you could do a fucking... Uninterest minds. At his age... You mind if I spit for a son? At his age, bro, I wouldn't... If I was in his shoes... You just took money for me.

A kangal hat. He disrespected my girlfriend. And then you beat me up. Just go down and do a Denzel, man. His elbow patches in a tweed jacket. Yeah. Throw one of them hats on, a goofy. Dude, you get a book.

You get a book. You're like, I want you to read this. I bet you don't know something, but every letter of the word respect means something that pertains to the word respect. Let me break it down for your brother, cousin. But then don't break it down. Don't break it down. You were retarded for charging me.

Yeah. E. Everyone. Don't you ever in your motherfucking life do that again. S. S. Stupid-ass motherfucker. Sluts are like that bitch you walked in with.

Come around all the time. P, I ain't no pussy, and you learned that the hard way. E, inclusion is everything. Thank God he's here to spell the rest of the word. Inclusion starts with an eye. C, you got caught with a two-piece. T. Nobody wants your girlfriend.

He said T, nobody wants your girlfriend. He did it with a K. I said Teradac. I know, you didn't. But that's spelled with a P. I really wanted you to tap out of this one. Nope. But I did not feel good about it.

No, you can't. I felt bad about it for dating. You know why? Nobody ever feels good after some stupid shit like that. You always feel like, ah, fuck, I wish I could have... I feel like the man. Yeah, because you don't ever fucking... I feel like the man.

You never get physical. I listen to Bad the Bone, and I flick cigarettes at homeless. You give... I'm passive aggressive to the bone. I'm passive aggressive. I can really give you a tone. I'm going to seem kind of mad.

And I won't look at you again. I walk away And you won't be my friend You'll get a call later Because I got lizard eyes All right well listen Listen man I think on this podcast

This is a good one We fucking Think so I think so man I mean listen We're all fucking psychos Can we at least get to one of the topics Preferably the top topic on the show

It's road road Can we get to the top topic on the show notes Just any random topic the top one Oh any Any random topic the top of topic. Tristan? Yeah.

Oh, did random topic? You're a good lead. Which one? You want me to read? Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Bobby's left arm just droops. Oh, God, it's you and Keith now. I leave this podcast to you. No. Yes. Is this like a thinner curse? All right, I'll read this talk. I was reading the other ones just to make sure there wasn't a better one, but I guess he

wants me to read this one just randomly. No, no, just random. Any topic. Tristan did kill Tony. So glad you asked. No, I did the garden. It was fun. We can move on. Did you have you put your name in a bucket or were they just... No, I've had a, I've had a golden ticket for seven and a half years. You had a golden ticket? What is that? What is a golden ticket?

Buy a chocolate bar and it's in there, and then you get to go to Kill Tony. You eat the chocolate and it makes you disabled, and then you get a golden ticket to kill Tony. You have to take your stupid grandfather with you? Yeah. No, no, I just went up on MSG. I was doing a bit.

We don't have to talk about that. No, I do. I want to hear it. What happened? I was doing a bit. It was fun. I brought my mom into my dad. It was a lot of fun.

They've seen me do stand-up since I was. Did you kill? Yeah, I did good. You killed? And then you do the thing after? Who was the panel? Oh, that's great. Yeah, it was a fun panel.

He's fun. Did you fuck with you? Did you fuck with you? Did you fuck with me? Did you fuck with me a little bit? What did you say back to a tell? I said, I'll suck your dick, dude. I love you more than anything like that.

What you said to say to Jimmy Carr? I said, you look like a puppet. You say anything to it, Tony? I said, thank you, sir. Oh, you did? No. No oomps? But I said it afterwards.

Geo had a fun moment at MSG too. What happened? Oh, was with the cop thing? Yes. Oh, so Danny comes up to me. He's like, hey, you can get a free $10 voucher if you go, say you love like NYPD or something. If you grab a cops gone? Yeah.

So I just went there and went, hey, I just wanted everybody to know from me and everybody at On the Gate podcast, NYPD could suck my dick. And then... You said that. And then I didn't get the voucher. No, I wish I would have said that. Oh, you did. I said that.

I pussyed out and I said thank you. I really wanted that hot dog. Faggot. You wanted a hot dog from a cop? I got a $10 voucher that I bought a hot dog with. Yeah. So you wanted a hot dog. Yeah.

12 inches of glizzy, right? fucking gut, boy. Right in the fucking gut. I should have ended up. Thank you, NYPD. Thank you for all the support. It's back the blue, not blow your back out for the blue. All right, well, listen, man.

Blow your belly. Yeah, I think this is a good one because we talked about shit. We all fucking flip out in different ways. You just can't wear a bunch. Comics are psychos. If you're well-adjusted as a comic, I just, you're worse than anybody. There's something you're hiding. Yeah.

People who are. It's like that one guy in L.A. What guy? You know. The guy who didn't drink and do all that stuff. What guy? I forget his name. What the fuck?

Why would you do that? I don't know. What guy? What do he look like? He was white. Oh, I know exactly who you're talking about. Narrated down. What's his name?

What was his thing? He just said he doesn't do anything. He's clean and he doesn't hate anybody and he loves people. Are you talking about a day parguess? No. I remember what time he was talking about. He goes, yeah, he was like, yeah. When he tells people he doesn't drink.

Take the fucking Zinn out of your mouth If you don't know how to put it in a place in your mouth That doesn't sound like you have like a horseshoe of dipping It's your ass up It's crazy you're sitting there like No, so what I'm saying There's a random man in L.A. There's a gonna fuck him up

No I'm past that I would try that I love Tristan You just snapped on somebody You don't even know Yeah but I know Tristan Have you snapped on him? I've been upset with him

You've been upset with me for sure Yeah I've definitely poked you when he didn't want to be poked Quite literally I poke him Yeah All right, well, listen You guys I think we should do this podcast again

In six months And so you can make six months without snapping It's not happening Well, we could try Oh, and you guys can find out if I get arrested this week or not Oh, you're gonna get arrested? I don't know I put a police report on him

You're not gonna be arrested You fucking went to the cops? Hell yeah Ugh, snitch, bitch Trying to lose my job Even he wouldn't do that I don't do this shit yeah I wouldn't do that because I wouldn't have gotten into that situation

because you're always exhausted from work yeah just fucking hit me I don't care man I'm not calling anybody I'm tired all right Tristan what are you got coming up dude oh my goodness September 3rd I am going to be in Wisconsin at the comedy cabin it is going to be a bunch of fun you can follow me on Tristan as a comedian for all my dates

will I post them maybe but also the second date I'm going to be in Toronto Canada at the comedy cabaret or the Catacombs Cabaret in Toronto. September, I think 11th, 9-11. I'm escaping the city, going to the Great White North. Do you know something we don't?

I do. I have a beeper. Really? Yeah, that tells me. Let me tell you, I'm going to be dancing on top of a couple of parking structures over in Canada. I'm a massage agent. Anyways, Gio? How much second?

Derek, what the fuck of you to fucking passing it on like that? What do you got? Bobby? See, you got to skip. Since you want to take lead, I got skipped because of you. Yeah. On the gate podcast on Gas Digital Use Code, OTG. Thank you for the continued support.

And if you want to see where I'm at, go to my link tree and my Instagram at Derek Dresher. Fucking link tree? Yeah. Should I not have that? I have a LinkedIn. I mean, all right. If you want to know where I'm at, you can ask Jeeves. Follow me on MySpace, Giovanni Perez.

I'll be in Salem, Massachusetts. the 29th to the 31st, 28 to the 31st. What club is that? It's a bunch of shows that this girl does. Oh, no shit. Yeah. I love Salem, dude. Yeah, it's so funny.

I was there like a couple months ago. I had a foursome. In Salem. Yeah. Did you really? Yeah. A lot of chicks in Salem. Three bitches?

Well, it was me and my boy and two girls. Oh, gay. But I didn't do shit with him. We just switched girls. That is gay. That is not a four-s-sum. That's a for sure. We both fucked with each girl.

Were you in the same room? Yeah. You saw your boy's cock. That's homosexual act He saw my cock too That yeah He doesn't make it better The world is blind

Eye for an eye I dude I'm what you dude It's cool No You're right dude Stay with me Stay with me

You guys are probably This guy has a cat This guy's fucking beating people Of a little bit Look at these well-adjusted Fucker Yeah I have a cat too You have a cat

You have a cat people do Yeah it's cat people You guys are pussy Yeah I'm sorry I've never Smelt my buddy fucking Did you smell it? No we were clean It was in the same room

You think this guy was clean? What the fuck? You think if someone's making brisket in the living room and you're in the bathroom, you're not fucking smelling it? You think his dick smells like brisket? I don't know who the other guy is. Well, he knows his friend. Yeah, it's my boy. And he was black.

Whoa, listen, let's not give out too information. That's too much information. I'm sorry, man. That's disgusting. Not too much information. Me and Dan Cook hooked up with two witches in Salem once. Oh, get out of here. One of them definitely was a witch.

No, they were both witches. With the broomsticks and all that? They were like, we're witches. And they took us back to their, like, fucking 16th century apartment. Yeah. You know, they took us in the basement. It was too weird. I started flipping out.

Then they went in the other room and just showered and came out naked. And I was like, dude, I want to go. I was like, this is too freaky for me. You didn't do it? No, Dane was playing the Italian. He goes, this is the first time that Dane was ever cool. You know what? He went, Bobby, get your fucking shit together right now.

Ring. What's up, ladies? What's up, ladies? My brother will never own all my money. All right, guys. we're going to go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly right now. We have questions for all these guys from you, the fans. And if you go there, you get to watch the show live on the air it,

and you get an extra episode every week, the extra, extra, and you get to ask questions to our people on the show. So go there and support the show. If not, you're on YouTube. Make sure you subscribe to the page and share the page, get those comments and do all that stuff on all the other stuff, too. Danny, what do you got? You can follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff,

come see me in Philly on August 28th, I don't know, September 10th at Claude's Comedy Club. Joe, what do you have? Hey, this is Joe Russell. Yay! A real Muppet Show's intro. I love that shit, dude. Go on on to Instagram and just type in Jokes, Russell.

I'm posting clips all the time, motherfucker. Don't go dirty. Go to punchup.com. Live slash Robert Kelly for all my dates. The next thing I'm going to be in Saratoga Springs. on the 11th and 12th. Then I'm going to do the Brooklyn Improv for one night only on September 26th. And then I'm going to Port Charlotte on the second and the third down in Florida at Versanis. And I'm going back to Boston in October.

More dates to come and make sure you check that out. And check out the bonfire I do and the regs, of course, my other shows that I do. You guys are the best fans in the world. We'll see you next time on. You know what, dude.