Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #654 | Dave Attell & Ian Fidance

Episode Date: August 30, 2026

On this weeks YKWD Podcast Bobby finally learns to pronounce Ian's name right and Dave Attell recaps his experiance at Kill Tony at MSG. See Dave live at:DaveAttell.com DeadmansMerch.com Instagram, X, and Facebook are all @deadmansmerch See Ian Fidance live at: https://www.ianfidance.com Insta: @Ianimal69 Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/ Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized,affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/YKWD Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day. Where it all started before fun and crazy. This isn't NPR. That's the original. We're live right now. It's Robert Kelly and the You Know What Dude podcast, YKWD at the Conrad.

Comedy Seller Studios above the world famous comedy seller. We're back for another week, another week of this podcast. I mean, we don't even count them anymore. I've done so many of them. I've done them for years and years and years. And many people on the show have gone on to have other podcasts that were very successful. If not more, let's just say more. I'm excited to do it this week because they have two people that I really love a lot

and I don't get on that much anymore because that's what happens when they get, you know, a little success. I know the old fucking calamity market. I got a podcast. But Danny, who do we got? We have from the Be and Ian with Jordan podcast, his special Wild Happy and Freed, his new show on the YMH network, Ian Doe.

We have Ian Fidance in the house. Now, I've been saying your name wrong forever. Everyone has. I know, but you never really corrected us. Ian? Yes. Until recently, have you started correcting people? Yeah, I really haven't felt much so,

self-worth for a long time. So whatever you want to call me, I was just glad you were calling. So I just never corrected. There was a comic at the creek named Neruda Care Bear Williams, who for two years thought I was Jim Tews. And I never corrected them until one time we were like hanging in a smoke circle. And so it was like, Ian, what's up? He's like, Ian, thought you were Jim. And I was like, I corrected you once and you were drunk and you didn't pay attention. So I just rolled with it. Dude, and it's so, it doesn't seem I know feisty. Ian. Yeah. I know. Yeah.

That's me. I don't know that Ian that would not you let somebody call. Who? I don't even know that other guy he thought you were. I know. I know you. Yeah. You're more famous than the other guy. Well, it's not about fame, but thank you. Okay. Well, it's not about famine.

It's when you know. I did just get recognized by a woman limping down the street on a cane with I think she had cerebral palsy. She fell. I picked her up. And she was like, I love your podcast. I was like, oh, thank you. That's your fan base. Yeah, yeah. That's my fan base.

Yeah, physically and mentally unwell people. I welcome you. She fell. I do too. I love physically challenged people. Oh, I always have wheelchairs at my shows. I love it. Do you?

There can't have wheelchairs at the cellar. They don't have except. I know. Poor people that, you know, you could maybe lift them down. You're grandfathered in to not have a burden at your show. New York is such an incredible. incredibly difficult city to get around if you're handicapped. It's crazy. That's why

it's for people who can make it. Yeah. It's not for everybody. Yeah. You know? Stay in Idaho. You got to stay out of the city, man. Or you got to go to a club that does the old flatland town. The old first floor comedy club.

You know, one that has an elevator. I think the cell of Village Underground has an elevator. Does it? Yeah. You didn't know that? No. Yeah, when the handicapped people want to come to the cello, they go to the Village Underground because they actually have a Interesting Yeah I didn't know that is

Does this say out of order and so are you Sorry Hey Let's not fuck with our fan base We got David Telle coming in Just to let everybody Dan Victel David Telle

Who's Dan Victel The New Hot Comic on the scene? Dan Victal is a guy He was on Kill Tony He does this impression of David Tau But he doesn't think he's doing an impression of David Tull And he's killing it

Oh I know that guy. I don't know. Yep, yep, yep, yep. It's such a wild time in comedy where you can get away with anything now. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. It's, it's strange. I think, like, Kill Tony's gotten to the point where it's kind of like that, when you watch, like, those pedophile hunters, where it's like, you're just watching retards getting beat up. And you're like, I can't, not watch it. You know, it's pretty crazy. It was a pedophile. Me and Jay was, he brought, he always, he watches that stuff all the time. I don't. To a point where it's, strange.

Well, it is. It's fascination with it. It's like, what is happening? Can I tell you what he did? He had a kid early in life. Now he's single. He lives with Christine. But he smokes pot.

He gets high. He watches videos like that, plays games. He's living his life the way I live my life in my 20s. When I was in my 20s and 30s, he was. You also were watching Petophile on her videos? I was. Do you take a shot every time I'm naked. guy showed up, you should just be dead by the end of the show.

No, he's, he's, I cut him a lot of slack because he doesn't have, there's no, what is he going to do? Read, go home and write, he's successful, talented, got money, sells out, yeah. What are you going to do when you get your off time? Watch pedophile hunts. Maybe, yeah. Why not? What are you going to do?

Fucking learn a new skill for what? I, I, I like learning new skills. Like what? Well, I'd like to start. Like pottery or something. I've been coloring at night to like, you know, relax myself. Looks like it's relaxing you. The way you just said that, I've relaxed myself.

I've been like eight just running and going. I'm losing my mind. You have a show, though. Your show, you have a, like, a YouTube show or something, right? Yeah, a travel show. A travel show where you go and you learn new things. Yeah, people teach me how to do their jobs. I do their job with them.

And the last one I saw you do is glass blowing. Yeah, I learned how to blow glass. We didn't use, it wasn't like. like in a huge studio. Brother, it was great. Didn't even need a lesson. I taught him a thing or two. Actually, the last episode, I did

behind the scene stuff for AEW All Elite Wrestling. So they taught me I helped build the ring. I helped with production. I helped with costuming. And then I, that was one day shoot. And the next day we shot on camera and they made me an outfit.

I got chokeslam by like a 6'4 female wrestler. I ran the ropes. I got like chopped, beat up. They had me to an entrance. I cut promos. It was like the coolest thing in the world. You, let me tell you something right now. It just hit me, bro. What? You should be in wrestling. I should. I should be in wrestling. Loved it. I was a Delaware doozy. And all night joking and a late night smoking wild motherfucker. I love it. I love it, dude. I mean, you're good on the mic. Thank you. You're interesting to look at. It's fun. You're like four different generations of Americans put into one face.

And I'm in a lot better shape and way more athletic than people would give me credit for. Like I have, I'm... You're shredded. I can, yeah, I'm doing... You're city shredded. You're walking, biking. Walking, biking. Avoiding the homeless.

Yeah. Fucking. Fucking. Fucking. You're fucking. You're fucking. You're fucking. Yeah, you're city shredded.

You're... City shredded. I like that. You are. You're in shape, dude, because of what you do. You don't just... You don't take cabs anyway. you're on something you're moving it yeah hey cabs i bike as much as possible and uh i love it but yeah

i was i like acclimated myself real well to the ring and you know was taking bumps like really well and and they were like really kind about it and as it was going on more and more the talent was coming into the arena specifically like word got out like dude he's taken like bumps and and they came in and they were like cheering and it was really really cool dude wrestling for you would be perfect you know how to when that crowd happens When you're out there, you know how to juice a crowd. Oh, yeah. But I'm so prone to injury.

Dude, the summer's been a nightmare. I had gout, and then I was in and out of the hospital with kidney stones. It happened the week after I taped the wrestling stuff. I got gout. I thought I'd, like, sprained my toe. You know what that's from. What? Gout?

Kidney stones? Being cool. Being cool, yeah. I thought out what it was from. It was hydration, and I'd calcium-moosolate stones, and I was not drinking enough water. And I got kidney... I was eating too much spinach because I changed my diet from the gout

and there's too much salt in the spinach. And it's a whole thing, but everything's fine. I feel incredible. You're good now. Yeah, have you ever had gout or kidney stones? I've never had gout or kidney stones. Thank God. It's crazy how many people I've beaten to kidney stones and gout.

It's insane. I heard kidney stones is the worst thing. in the fucking world. So was gal. I was taping a set for Canadian HBO up at JFL for Nasty Show

which, by the way, they had me close out the Nasty show every week at JFL up at Club Soda. And it was such an honor because of the lineage of that of like you and Louis, Attel, Patrice, Gerardo going up there and doing that.

So to be a part of that was like, that was one of the best weeks I think I've had in comedy. Isn't that crazy? if I look back to when you were at the cellar and I had Liz kick you out of the party because you were just coming in, hanging out. I think the first time I did this podcast,

I was wearing the same exact button up shirt. And now you're headlining the nasty show in Montreal. Yeah, it's really cool. That's pretty cool. It's really neat. Yeah. But an hour and a half before the taping, I got kidney stones.

I didn't know what it was. And dude, I was in the hotel room. I'm on the floor of the hotel. screaming, screaming in pain, not knowing what's wrong. I had to limp over. I'm like, I told them, I'm like, I'm going to do this, but like, I don't know what, like, I was on the couch in the green. And I found out that the pain comes in waves.

So like the pain wave went away. I like boosted up on Thailand all. The pain went away. Thank God. Adrenaline too. The set was great, super fun. And then that night I got hit with a wave worse than before. Ooh.

And, what does it feel like? Dude, it's like, it's like, it's like somebody's stabbing you twisting. and while they're twisting, the knife is like opening. And then it's just like, and when you, and so you have to move to adjust it because it hurts so bad. And then the new movement is another like stab. And that's the kidney stone moving around in your kidney. And it's very small as shit.

Well, mine was big enough that they were like, you may or may not pass it. It odds are that you're not going to. And it passes through your, well, it centers in your kidney and then it goes down your ureter through your, well, your ureta. your reader connects your kidney to your bladder it goes through your kidney reader

and then your kidney reader brother your kidney reader reads it through kidneys and then it goes uretha bladder and then through the urethra and then you pee it out but mine were so big that they were like you could pee it out but it's going to be like really painful and could take a while and I'm like I don't want to

be in a flight or somewhere and get a kidney stone passing a kidney stone like on a cross-country flight or something and so I was in and out of the hospital and then I got the surgery and um they uh took him out and they had to go on through my urethra I had a stent like a foot and a half long stent in my bladder uterer and my kidney it was crazy people they did it all through my pee hole bobby yeah but you got a nice piece my pee hole if they did it through my piece that would be embarrassing well I have took a blue chew before

he did yeah yeah yeah yeah well dude I I hadn't been under in forever so when I got out of surgery, they were like, hey, you were pretty spicy. I was like, what do you mean? They're like, well, you wouldn't go under with the anesthesia. We had to give you more. And when we tried, you ripped a tube out and grabbed the anesthesiologist. It said, stop, leave me alone. And I was like, oh, my God.

Stop leaving me alone. I was like, holy shit. I thought you said, stop leaving me alone. I thought I said, please don't let me go. That's an ex-girlfriend issue. Stop leaving me alone. Oh, man. Yeah, it was nuts.

I hate, I don't want. I love the, when you get your asshole check, they put you under the Michael Jackson juice. But when you go for surgery, they put you on anesthesia. Anesthesia is the fucking worst. Coming out of it. You think?

I hated it. What is this? Don't bring shit up. You've got to tell us what it. He has autism, so he actually talked to us before, and then he just brings it up and we go, huh? What is that?

Why are you bringing up using cannabis can interfere with the medical? I don't get high. I haven't smoked weed in like. I didn't realize that. Yeah, what are you talking about? Okay, so take that off. I apologize for my, I apologize for my producer. No, it's okay.

I understand having to apologize for your dog. If you want to hit dinner, you can. I would love to. Would you? No. Here's the problem with people who don't understand, comics, yes, we get the day off. Yes, we work an hour or night.

But we got to get to the gig. We're going to perform the gig. And getting sick or hurt in any way affects everything. It's our biggest fear is having to get to the airport with a crutch or a knee brace. I had to cancel a weekend in Syracuse. It sucks. Because we need, we want the money. We need, that's our job.

Of course. And then we, we, we, you know, I got sick. I mean, anyone can relate to, like, getting sick for their job. But, like, the, the inability to admit that the sickness has defeated you is so tough. And I think a lot of people can relate to that in the way of, like, like, I got to be taken out to miss. And I'll go like, but then the thing is like, if you're

working like construction and like, you know, like a regular job, it's like you can kind of contain yourself with like your sickness or whatever. But it's like if you're on stage and you're like coughing and sweating, it's like, God, that grosses people. Dude, your movement, the way you hold the mic, the way you walk on stage, your voice.

Everything is affected. I had bronchitis and low grade pneumonia and I still didn't take off and I was hitting an inhaler on stage. Really? And then that was a bad idea because it caught up to me and I got the flu like worse than I've ever had and I had to cancel a weekend in D.C. I was the worst. I remember I had a show one time I lost my voice from Erie, Pennsylvania to Rhode Island. I couldn't speak. And I drove too. So in the car I lost my voice.

Well, how? Were you screaming songs? I used to. More than a feeling. More than... Oh, no. When I used to do my shows, I used to scream a lot. I was like, fucking blah, la la, la, la. A lot of energy. And I would do it all from my throat. And I would... That's what I do. I would smoke.

Cigarettes, yes. I'm shredded by the end of the weekend. So cigarettes would kill me. And I would... I lost my voice. I was literally biting into orange lemons and just sucking lemons and drinking honey. Oh, yeah, yeah. I take honey from the greeners. And then I remember I just got on stage and I still go on stage and I just... I just delivered my hat like this. Yeah, you're just... Like I was like, Like I was a blues guy.

I was like, yeah, man. His next one goes out of my ex-wife. You know, pussy's, pussy's, pussy's a weird. Pussy looks like black girl pussy like the inside of a Doberman's mouth. Let me tell you some time. Everybody won't go out with a little labia.

Someone looks like a bat. You ever see? It won't look like a bat. But I'm not, you're not, you know, you're not getting me not to do the show. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, I get something in my throat.

Yeah, yeah. Speaking of being sick, I have AIDS right now. That's so funny. I beat you to go out and kidney stones and you beat me to AIDS. Fucking nuts, right? Isn't that crazy? You would have wanted so much money if you bet on either one of those.

That's one of my fears is I'm very healthy and safe with my activities and everything. And like I get tested, even though I always use cons. I always get tested just to be safe. That's another form of like safe sex knowing your status. But I'm like, dude, if I ever got AIDS, that would be. It would just be a big, told you so. Speaking of AIDS, Dave. Oh,

speaking of AIDS, the grandpaw. Look who it is. Dave, Dad. What's up, buddy? Total disclosure. You see this side of my face? Bell's palsy. I wish.

I just had a root canal. Talk of the mic. We can't hear you. I just had a root canal. Now, laugh it up. Are you Alvin, Simon, or Theodore? Which one are you? Well, that's really a heart slam coming from a man who knows a lot about durables.

Anyway. It's so funny, he has a root canal that. He still shows up to do spots and a podcast. Yeah, yeah. We were just talking about that. We can't, it doesn't matter. We will show up. Yeah, we were just talking about being sick and not missing gigs.

The only gig I ever canceled, I tore my retina. Wow. And I couldn't see. I did something. I don't know what I did. I hit my retina and I couldn't see it. I had to have a patch on and I didn't want to go. I canceled the gig.

Because I didn't. I'd have done him with a patch. That'd have been cool. I couldn't have done it. I patch Bobby. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do it.

I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do it. Then you're the set of my life and then you're the patch comic for a while. I'm the merch. Why not? That'd be, first of all, good merch. Yeah. Easy to travel.

Easy to travel. Easy to travel. I patch Adams. There it is. Oh, Dave, you ever sell T-shirts on the road? Yeah. You did? Nothing like Ian.

Ian is a machine. You sell stuff? Yeah. Oh, I'm doing all right. What are you selling? I sell different shirts that do limited runs so people have to buy it to be like, I got to get this. And then each year I come out with a new shirt, so they got to upgrade their shirts.

And I'm really involved in, like, music, so I'll do like a shirt that's like kind of, like right now I'm selling a shirt. You know the Morton's Salt logo? Nope. you don't know the more what a slab sorry my tooth Danny Danny

all of a sudden you're not I do I do I do I You know Morton Salt girl And I'm in a little yellow dress And instead of holding a salt Thing with salt it's cigarettes And all my tattoos are visible And it's a

It's a there's a band called Jawbreaker that is an album with that cover And so it's in that font It says Ian Fidance And you sell good Should a t-shirt really need that much explanation. I really don't think so. Well, for you squares, but for the people that

are out there to get it. But I will say one thing because I've been on the road doing shows and people have shown up in Ian's merch. So that's pretty, that's a compliment. Yeah, I've actually, all my shows are, but most of them have nothing to live. You know, they're like, I really have no

clothes. I, I, I show up all the time and it's Jim Norton's merch. Really? It's usually Chip chip or Kel's Bells. Because Chip used to go Cal's bells. What's up, Cal? And they'll be in the front road just looking at me,

waiting for me to see their stupid shirt. Because I hate Chip. Really? I hate him. I love him. Why do you hate him? I don't fucking like him. I've been seen him in a while.

What happened? COVID? No, Norton got married and his wife was like, stop it. Oh, right. That chip, man, you're right. He had like a hardcore following. Dude, yeah, people love Chip. Chip sold out better than Norton sold out in Boston.

Chip had a show in Boston. Norton had a chip on his shoulder about it. I'm just airing out my Rukina. I don't think it was funny at all. The doctor told me I should do that. He said, cut down on the fake laughs. What did I want to say? First of all, thank you, Bobby, for being a part of the dead man experience.

You know, I've been working with a puppet. I'm not talking about Ian. I'm worried with a puppet. And why's your hand up my ass? I was working with a puppet. And we just brought him. into the village underground while you were on stage and I'm like, oh, Bobby will have fun with him and we had a

great time. Spanish? You Spanish? Well, that's not it. No. That's not it. Um, well, Dave, I don't know if people know about this, but you have this new, uh, experiment you're doing? Yes. Uh, with a puppet, but it's, he's not really a puppet. He's an animatronic

Halloween ornament. Okay. That's how he represents. I misgendered. That's how he represented. I apologize. I didn't know that. His pronouns are please stop. But yes, we've been working on it for a while. But you had him... The original one was a game show.

That was 17 years... I forget how many 12 years ago. 12 years ago, you had him as a game show, and he was the host of the game show. Yeah, the dead man. I was the host, and he was my sidekick, and when you lost, he would squirt on you. He would jizz on your face.

But now he was giant then. He was like regular-sized person. Now it's down to, like, he's just like a little, you know, much like when you go to, like a McDonald's. It's a smaller portion. It's a smaller. Can I be honest with you? Yeah.

Because I remember the... the game show, Dead Man. Yes. And then you were like, hey, dude, I'm going to have him come into your show. What he got to be big? I thought it was going to be big. And he rolled in. He was this little guy.

No, he's a little guy. Matter of fact, Dave has him here tonight. He's in his cheek. Dave, let him out. Let him out. A lot of work, but also he's not so, like, mobile the way we think. I mean, he does have a coffin car that he zips around on. But still, it's just a lot of work.

And we were at the Massachusetts Weird Garden for Kill Tony. Yeah, right? How'd that go? Well, the run to went great, and like the sounds working, the cameras were working. They were, like, loving it. They were, this is going to be incredible. Well, the guys who run the garden were like, don't worry, we got it. And he looked so cool up on the big, you know, the spectrum thing.

And the guy's like, I'm adding this, but it kind of fits. It's like one of those guys very union. Like, I've done it all from the circus to the Harlem Globetrotters. A kiss, I did it, you know. So there's nothing that'll throw me. If I can swing Paul Stanley across the stage in high heels, I can do this. I got Billy Joel up there. He's dead. I'm making them look a lot.

You know, whatever it is. So I'm like, I'm in great hands. This is going to be so good. And then finally the Kill Tony show starts. And I'm a judge with Jimmy Carr, a very funny guy. And like I had to run off to be the voice of the puppet. So he comes out, the dead man. But now the room is full of Kill Tony fans with their phones on. So their RF signal blocked the puppet.

Oh, my God. So he couldn't talk. So he came out. He basically choked. He really choked. And I'm trying to save him. I jump on stage. And I'm trying to, like, talk for him. and everything. And now I'm getting boots.

So you're looking at like the best of it. No way. I don't know if you played it. So here he is. Look, look, look, look, look. And people, by the way, thought he was in a wheelchair. He's not. First of all, this looks epic.

Isn't that incredible? How cool is that? That's incredible. Yeah. Well, that's called. Oh, I like it. He's in a chair. Yeah. See, you hear it?

It's very static. It's having audio problems. Oh, my God. Hear those booze? I still hear them. Look at them. Cower off. He just left.

Yeah. And there's all the money, Dave Spennell. Yeah. Just flying in the air. Yeah. So, yeah. Man, I really, you know, but the best part about working massness with Gordon, because when you bomb, you walk outside, you immediately feel better.

It's like, at least I'm not a guy, a guy over here with bloody stumps for legs. And look at this guy over here, until gunshot wound. I'm right here. Hey, you deserve to feel good about your hair. Get your confidence back with Hymns. Hems offers a range of prescription hair loss treatments, including chews, oral medications, serums, and sprays. With prescription strength ingredients that can help prevent further hair loss and regrow hair in as little as three to six months. Hems let you access expert care in the comfort of your own home.

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Prescription required. Individual results may vary. See website for full details, restriction, and important safety information. Well, Dave, when you brought him into my show, it kind of,

it was all right, but it kind of was a little... Working on it. Well, you're working on it, and you're actually, the guy who was controlling it, the bubbles were just shooting in a woman's face.

Yes. And she was so nice about it, too. Very nice about it, but I just felt so bad because she was just sitting there, just getting bubbles shot in her face. Watching that was incredible because I was up

in the balcony. I'm just seeing this one. I like, I like it, but stop. And then he just left. I was like, I was trying to go with him,

but then he left. You guys were great because you would be in the room. So you had the data of everything going on. So he was hitting the guys in the crowd and all this shit. But the best one guy in there

who was like touching the puppet. He was like a relic. Maybe you'll make me stop doing meth. One of your fans there, but it was fun. But it was fun just to have them out and like doing stuff. So what's the plan of the puppet?

What are we doing with the... I'm sorry, animatronic. Dave's plan or would I think? The animatronic dead man's merch. The first thing would be to figure everything out. The second would be this Monday we're having them on stage. He's going to kind of co-host. Both of you are on at the Village Underground at 6 o'clock.

And thank you for both doing it. And then you guys can mix it up with the bubble. So it's just getting them out there, getting people to see them and getting them talking. And then we do have a game. Like, that was my first. original thought was to make a carnival game and you know Ian has played

it a bunch you've played older versions but the new version Ian can tell you it's another level I mean like you were not the last one we have the shooting cage oh I showed up late I was right before my kidney stone surgery but I was yeah Ian limped up to do a shooting cage where is a shooting cage

dude you know it's like an old school carnival we get shoot at stuff yeah yeah and you have a thing where you hit and it goes into like the ball yeah there's a ball stuff come where where is bro it's like it was in front of It truly is a carnival game in hell run by a madman. It's incredible. Is he going to be at Skankfest this year?

I don't know. I mean, if you can somehow get me like a C-17 full tilt lift down there. You get him down there? I'm going to need two of your fans to drive a U-Haul down there. Yeah, I don't know. I hope so, but it would be perfect for that. So Lewis Gomez is looking at it. Yeah, it really would.

But props to kill Tony because it really did fit there. It just, we didn't do it right. So, you know, I'd like another redo. And Tony said that's totally cool. To come back out and do it again. You'll do it again. I would do, yeah. But what are you got to fix?

The signal? The sound and all that. And just, you know, get more, you know, we had too much stuff on him because people were, like, we're like, he's in a wheelchair. And there's a woman in a wheelchair. And then he goes to Fiona. It's a coffin. Yeah. It's a coffin.

Yeah. It's a coffin. Yeah. It's a coffin car for God's a hybrid. What do you do? I love Ian. He's so old. school. He has a hanky.

Yeah. Sorry. Oh, dude. Do your thing. Thank you. He has always dressed for, I have to take care of a golf course. I'm the guy who does the lawn. Yeah. I'm Carl Spackler-Cheek. Yeah, you're the head of the fucking caddies. So I missed you because I was just up in Maine. Were you up there? I was in Maine. I was at Nome's house in Maine for a few days. Oh, nice.

Yeah, Nome and his family have a house right on the beach. Oh, is he fixing the AC remote? Can you put the AC on? It's hot, right? Is that what you're saying? No, no. The AC's been broken at the cellar for like that. Has it really?

Well, you don't even have air conditioning in your house. All right, easy, Dick. Quit up my business on Front Street. You don't have AC at your apartment? No, I do. It's just been broken for a year and they won't replace it because they're trying to get me out. That was a long time ago.

I thought you told me it was like it takes too much work to replace the... Yes, so I have central air, the central air broke. I'm the first 10 in the building. I've been, the building came up in two. 2007. I've been there, 2006, I've been there since 2007. The AC Central Air is like 20. Hang on one second. We just put our air on nice. Yeah, it's like 20 years old. So, yeah, rubbing it in my face. I'm actually blowing it in your face. It's cool air. And I'm like, it's too expensive to fix, they say. So instead they got me like a window unit with like a tube and everything. It's been a mess.

They're not replacing it because what they could get for my apartment since I'm like rent stabilized is like astronomically higher than what I pay. They watch you out. I have a two-bedroom duplex of the basement. That's crazy. And it's insane, like, how fortunate I am to be in that spot. It's a good area. I've been there. Great area, wonderful. I'm not leaving. They can't get me

out, so they're like, yeah, you're not a priority to fix this thing. All the other places it's so funny, though, because I grew up with no AC, and no one had AC. Yeah, but it's hotter now more than ever. We grew up in, like, England or something? Yeah. We had to see. We had it on all the time. We had no AC. A.C. We

had fans, we had window fans, or you... Because you grew up in the basement, like a YWCA or something. No, even when I... No, I had a house, but we, even New York, when me and Billy had an apartment on 97th Street, we had no AC, and it got... It was the... We had a pipe that heated up for the heat. Oh, the...

Yeah, the snake, the evil... Yes, yeah. So you'd have to be careful when you sat on the couch, because if you put your head back, it would burn your fucking head. I had that experience. And then in the summer, we had just opened the window and hope rats didn't come in. Yeah, but that's different. than now because now it's

infinitely hotter than it was. I don't think those stats are made up. I think you're insane. I think it was hotter in the summer when I was growing up. Dave? When I was in Brooklyn living out in Brooklyn, we lived in a five-floor walk-up and it was no AC really

and we would go sleep on the roof. Which is funny because now people live there. Well, in New York City. You would sleep on the roof? Families? Like put sleeping bags? Or like, how would you do that? Well, we would take like, you know, like, whatever some, talking on the mic. We'd take some blankets.

We'd lay there. Back in the day, Ian. Like the outsiders. Back in the day, Phil. Just Roar Shuck tests on what the clouds are. Families in New York, when it was too hot, they would sleep outside. On the fire escaping stuff. On the front steps.

Sure. There's photos of families and they got their blankets and they'd all sit on the front steps and they'd sleep on the ground outside. Like the 25th anniversary of the blackout, right? No. Was that 2001? 2003, that's right. That's right.

Yeah, it's what? 23 years since that? That was a week before I moved to New York. Wow. Isn't that crazy? I remember that. You lived on my block. Remember that?

Where was it again? Over in Hell's Kitchen. Yes. How long? We lived on the same block. How long did that last? How long did that last? There was one night.

One night. But here's a problem, would it? Because none of the buildings... They all had elevator. They didn't have lights, but they had elevators, but the stairs didn't have lights. So people had to... walk up 38 floors. Yeah. So if you lived on

the fifth floor, fine, but if you lived on the third, if you lived high up, you were fucked. There's no light. Is that why everybody was sleeping in the street and everything? We were on the stairway with a candle and people would be like, hey, can you walk me up to my floor? And people would walk people up. Wow. That's how it was

during Sandy. I was here during Sandy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Sandy was crazy too. I was in Chicago. Really? During Sandy. I had a car during Sandy. You did? Yeah. So I I actually got involved in, this is pretty crazy, but I got involved in going to different churches that became outposts for, like, supplies, food, clothes, like, all this shit. And we would load up my car and take it to, like, the project, like, bring food to the projects in Red Hook or, like, places that got hid and bring this there. And the churches were opened up, and it was organized by people that were heavily involved in Occupy Wall Street.

And then once that they saw a boots on the ground movement of people like coming up and helping each other in a way that like FEMA and the government was not doing around that same time they started injecting into the media and the news everything about like gender and white supremacy and transphobia and all this stuff that then completely splintered that movement and made it so could not like actually help people because everybody that was involved that I was driving around that organized everything were like boots on. the ground people that organized occupy wall street and then the next iteration was like them coming together to take care of the community and everything and then it got completely dissolved with infighting and like identity politics and everything so i thought i was really fascinated i just had a root canal i'm sorry i i was actually thinking about your root canal while he was talking about that thank you for both talking down and talking up to us like and i volunteered and like i would go to churches I would go to churches and I would take the food

to the poor folk and I would throw it out. I love when a comic uses the ideology. Yeah. Well, it's a truth. We don't know. A splinter movement. Look it up. Danny. Do your job. Is Danny all right? Are you okay back there, buddy? Yeah, he's okay. You can't look at him. Cody normally looks things up

so Joe is going to hit him. I don't know if he's all right. No, I love Danny. Danny is one of my favorite people in the world. Dan is great. He's on the room many time. Dan and I, we share many a soul Joel experience. Yeah, Danny loves you. Dan's great.

Who doesn't? Erie Canal, right, Dan? Remember we did the, you did the... Yeah, that was awesome. Magician Museum with me, didn't you, Dan? That was great. Yeah, see? Have you played that in Erie Canal?

I've never done that. I mean, Erie, Pennsylvania? No. Bobby, that's the one I told you about a couple days ago. You did? The musician. What is again, Dan? The magician.

Teller's Magic and Comedy Theater. Yes. I'm going to go play that. He told me about that the other day. Whoa. I heard it was awesome. It was so windy. You remember that, Dan?

It was great. That was just a magician blowing this. Tricks around. I mean, the crowd came out just because, you know, let's face it, they wanted an entertainment. And when it was talking and not magic, yeah. We won them over, didn't we, Dan? Yes. But you had to end your jokes like this.

Tadda. Yeah. In Abercadabre magazine, there was a little blurb about us. Watch out, magicians. Do you know Danny's magic name? Oh, that's right. he was a magician. Yeah, so was Joe.

I didn't know. What was your magic name? When I was a kid, I went by Abercadani. Oh, I thought it was Lupus. Are you guys ready for a kind of slow, good time? And with this trick,

I'll make the prospect of pussy disappear. And tell us more of your good works. Yeah, tell us more. And a squatter in a hellhole of an apartment. I was thinking about you when I saw the guys coming out of the manhole near Penn Station. Yeah.

Oh, that could be Ian's like... What's going on with that, by the way? All these videos of guys going in manholes and coming back out. But they're wearing the steampunk costumes. There's something going on down there. A party? A new comedy club? I think they're mining.

There's a documentary called Dark Days about people that lived in the underground subway abandoned subway. The mole people. I wonder if they are still there. I don't know. Maybe it could be. The mole people. Now, but these people look, they were all in the same outfit.

They all had the uniforms. They look like they were in that old-timey bathing suit, but that's like the... Can you pull up a picture? I want to see if they look at... You know, waiters, like the fishing waiters, they all had waiters on and they all had like hats on. And they came out and they all came out. They all looked like the Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters too

when they looked at the old train station. Yeah. You got there. Numeric transit. Are we going to watch it or no? Here, are we going to see this? What's happening? It is...

Joe's pulling it up. It is weird that all this stuff is happening in New York City and nobody gives a fuck about any of it. Dude. I truly think we're living in... Ghostbusters too when there's like some sort of weird kinetic negative mood slime going on where it's feeding off everyone's negativity and anger and the only way to combat it is with positivity and you said it singing well start singing horrible it's a beautiful morning

rest in peace dolly parton i'm gonna send the dead man down there on his coffin car to find out what's going on down there me and dianey were talking today is what we call it he can see in the Dark him. Dali, Dali Parton, the, was murdered by Napagazzi. What? That's what we're spreading.

The theme park. Yep. It was to get her out of the way. She is an icon, no denying. God bless. No one is, I know you're an angel,

but she's done a little bit more. Yeah, a little more. Yeah. It's so funny, though, like you're, I've always wanted to be the guy who does stuff when things happen, like you say, like go around and help people. You can be.

You just have to do it. Yeah, but yeah, I know. That's the hard. part because I don't live in the city I live in Westchester in a house I'd have to leave my house Yeah, you gotta want it Yeah, you gotta really want it

And come back down and And drive around the city and all that shit What time do you get in here for the For the bonfire? 430. Do you drive it? Yeah, how's it at traffic? It's easy as part.

No way, really? I swear to God. See, you have the dream. I would love to have a family in like a house upstate. You want them? Family? Like a family with a kid? Not currently, but I could see it In the future, I don't know about a kid, but I would like to have a place to go to have a respite from the city and the trials and tribulations of a New York summer day.

Would it have air conditioning? Sorry, I'm not raising my kid that way. No air conditioning. Yeah, look at these guys. Watch these guys. Yeah, who are these guys? Look at the all dressed in waiters. No, they're like Batman's evil villain. Yeah, they're all coming out of the subway. Whoa, where's that guy got? They're all minions. I told you they're miners. They're mining something down there. And no, look at this guy. He looks right out. Yeah, that guy's the leader. Yeah, no shirt, just waiters.

They're sweating. Covering his face. They're doing some. Are there Israelis planting bombs like they did in the towers? Here's why it's bad. He's covering his face. Yeah. So wouldn't you if somebody was zooming in on you?

Not if I was helping the city with dangerous slime. He's not. They're little minions. They're doing a live action minions. They're looking. It's like the Joker's people, you know, like. Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. What the fuck. are they doing it? They're going to meet up with the Foot Clan. And they said that they went down and checked out. Everything was fine. Nothing was out of order.

They just, I don't know if they're just going down in the subway to do stuff. Dude, what if they're, like, content creators, like, going to explore? So, wait, people went down and they didn't find any secrets or anything. They didn't find anything. See how easily moved that thing around? Yeah. Manhole. Manhole.

Yeah. Oh, act like you don't know about the manhole, bro. No, but I'm saying, like, the guy has some strength. Manhole. Yeah. I guess they're heading to the zoo to meet up with the penguin. They did look like an evil posse.

They really did. But they went down there and they didn't find anything. Nothing was a rock. And this is not the first time. They've seen this a bunch of times. People coming, going in, and just shutting the man on top of them

and then coming out. There's got to be something going on. I will say, I mean, Occam's razor. It's probably the simplest explanation. God damn it. Dumb it down. Dumb it down.

Thank you, Dave. It's interesting that there's, There's a world that exists underneath us. And it's people probably just going to explore. But yeah, but no. How do you know that? Because I would love to go underground and look at it. First of all, I don't even...

If you're out there, mold, people call me. I mean, what if there is a room? Maybe that's a pop-up show. We don't know what's going on down there. Is it don't tell? It's a don't tell. There's a shouting out a new room for comedy. You know I'd do it.

Yeah, of course, yeah. You know Dean Del Rey, right? I do. Very funny guy. He did his special. in a cavern, I believe in Tennessee or Missouri. And I was like, this is the ultimate. And the sound is like really good

because it's like one of those big like where they sing in the cavern. Yeah. But like I have claustrophobic to begin with. But I can just imagine how like it would be even worse if nobody showed up. But he had a big crowd there. But I was just like, oh my God. Like how hard is that? It's such an interesting idea.

That's all I'm going to do. Do a special. Where are, what were the cross streets where they went? Oh, I don't know. We can find out. Why? You want to go in the sewer? I'll go in the sewer.

No. What are you going to do? What if we get on there? We find a whole new society. Join it. Join it. We could be kings. It's not every day you meet the Legionnaires of Legionnaires' disease.

These guys, they are definitely toxic. What if they're the people are fucking up your AC? They're the ones. Well, then I'm going to go bust some heads in a spiritual sense. Well, if you think of the mole people, though, these people move down there and live in the, they plug into the electricity, they plug into the water, and they just live down there and then they come up, they beg, they get money, and they just go back down there.

No rent, no government, no nothing. They got to figure it out. Yeah. They're like the tunnel people in Vegas. You know, those guys? That's like super dangerous. They're great, though. Yeah. Well, they're like, I've all messed out. Well, if it rains there, too, they're dead. Oh,

it just fills with water. I know. Yeah, they're just gone. No, but that would be, that's hot. Like, the way they have to live, like, under those term bikes and stuff. I know. It's like my apartment. Did you ever think about just how easy it would be to just get a place somewhere really,

like somewhere in this country, you get a house for like 150 with land, in a little town, and then you don't have, just live and not do any of it? Well, I will present this. You could take the robot, too. I don't know if there would be enough Wi-Fi for him.

Dude, that's your new TV show, Robot Mayor. A robot moves to a small town to get away. I'm listening. Go ahead. And he becomes a mayor. And he, first episode, he fires a comptroller. There's a big stink in robot. And he gets rid of all the Muslims.

Yeah. No, I was going to say he would be sheer law. Yeah, it's like his... Oh, he would do Sharia law. He's very tough. I would love to have a bed and breakfast upstate. That would be incredible. And turn it into a cat sanctuary.

Have some alpacas. You go up there and you pet some animals. Bed and breakfast. I cook you. Breakfast in the morning. entertainment, fun. Be funny, he's just in an apron, naked smoking a cigarette over your eggs.

Listen. What do you want, honey? My gout kick back out. If you like them over easy, I don't care, you're getting them scrambled. I always like when you go to that hotel, like, and it's like, they have like really disgusting board games there,

like that you're supposed to play with your friends. And it's always like when you pull one out the guy behind the counter, it's like, ew, ew, there's no pieces. You know, it's like a missing piece. But I was just like, okay, you guys came all the way from Germany to play, what is this, shoots and ladders. I mean, either,

go up to the room and fuck. Get out. I stayed in a bed and breakfast once on a road gig. They put me in a bed and breakfast. Great. It sucked. Really? I walked in and it was just all the people that was staying there at the table eating at ham dinner. And when I walked in, they just all

turned to me. Sounds incredible. It was awful. And I went up to the room and there was no TV in the room and there was just like a quilt on the wall. And it was a communal bathroom. So the Is that a hospice? No, it was a hospice. You mean a hostel?

It was a bed and breakfast. A hostel. A bed and breakfast. A for old people. You cannot. I'm old at heart. There's no TV. I love it.

You're in your room by yourself. Reading. You're going to eat breakfast with people you don't know. Hello. How are you? You love it? Into it. I know exactly what you're talking about.

And like the fact that like you think that you like are staying in this kind of like almost like throwback place. But you know there's cameras everywhere and someone's jerking off. to whatever you do. Hopefully. That's what I always think. Hopefully. And you can't jerk off. Yeah.

Why not? I don't know. You sign it on the contract. Yeah. Every bedding breakfast. It's this contract who can't jerk off. Uh-oh. And I always like how when you eat like in a group meal, whatever that, like you have to be on group behavior.

Yeah, you have to be on. I want more. What's group behavior? No, it's just like, oh, thank you just a little bit. Oh, really? Like you can't be a pig. I say pig it up. Be who you are.

When I showed up, the guy opened the door, he was like, hello, Robert, we were waiting for you. I was like, ooh. And he brought me in. Robert, that man's been dead for 20 years. Yeah, dude. Is it a haunted house? Because that's a big thing. I want to stay in a haunted house.

I did stay in a haunted house on a college. Oh, you did like a college. They had a building, one of the old buildings. And it was like, you know, really old when the college started. It was in Massachusetts. And I was like, this seems like a haunted house. She goes, oh, oh, it is. I think we, they hear stuff.

and see stuff all the time. I was in the place by myself. I just sat in the living room and I heard someone walking upstairs and when they came to pick me up for the gig, I would not go to my room. And they can't, how was everything? I got on.

The guy upstairs was walking around. She goes, you're the only person staying here. And I was like, I'm great. I drove back to New York. I drove back to New York. Yeah, no, I'm totally with you. I've stayed in haunted hotels. You can't, like, Austin has a great one

where they have that haunted hotel and it's like, you know, we're up in night smoking, right? Yeah. So, like, I, I, I just, like, I'm always in a situation where, like, the quickest way to get outside to smoke is through this really big, no lighting, a ballroom, a ballroom.

And I'm like, uh, eh, easy. But I've stayed in hotels where, like, shit has happened. I'm talking like ghost stuff. Like what? Like, uh, in Austin, they have the, um, uh, you know, of course it's always the same thing. The someone didn't marry someone and they hung themselves in the room. Yeah, it's always that.

They're not going to meet someone else. My friend went to Fairfield University. and there was a dorm called Dolan that they didn't let people stay in like one room or one floor because a nun, a pregnant nun hung herself. And it was like evilly haunted. As she should. Evily haunted. Bobby, what?

Bobby had a seance at his haunted hotel room and bought it. You would open yourself up to that? Scary, scary. No, thank you. Well, I opened myself up to it, but I got a Ouija board. And I got to close that door to the other side. I got a Ouija board and then, but I attached the Ouija board to. Your question, will it grow?

Fishing string. I went live on Instagram, and I attached the Ouija board and the Ouija to fishing string, and I had someone hide behind a curtain, and in the middle of the seance, I had them pull the Ouija board out. So people thought it was...

Do people believe it? No, people immediately, you know, and do it, it's string. Nobody believes it. Nobody... All that work for nothing. Well, Houdini spent a lot of time debunking the psychics,

so it could be your thing, you know, because a lot of guys make a good living off of it. Off the psychic shit. Yeah. Well, there's a new thing about that... Who is the guy who invented.

the Ouija board. That's what I want to know. Mario and Luigi. The Luigi. I am for the travel show linking up with a ghost hunter and we're trying to get her to New York so we can go to a haunted place and I can learn how to like see if I can come.

Why don't you just go to your apartment? There's got to be something wrong in there. They had a show with comics who went in, Godfrey did it where they go into the haunted places and they attach these cameras that kind of stick in their face and they had to go do shit. So scary.

Yeah, but there's never been, I love haunted stuff, but there's never been a real... I was in a haunted room at Skank Fest off Bourbon Street. Dude, it was crazy. That's like the haunt cap. Yeah. I mean, honestly. Legitimate. I believe there can be no ghosts in a hotel that has a breakfast in the morning.

Bro, it was legitimately my first night there. If they have a gym, they can't have ghosts. I went in the hot tub. I used one of the towels and it was like dirty and I left it crumpled up. Like I left it like crumpled up on on the sink, right? And in the middle of the night, I kept getting woken up because my feet were like tucked under the blanket. I'm like, what the fuck? I thought I didn't tuck my feet.

And I like kick my feet out. I'd go to sleep. They're tucked again. Like this fucking, I couldn't move. It was like weird. So then I woke up in the morning and all these towels, I couldn't find the dirty towel that I used. And other towels were stacked next to the door. And I'm like, well, this is weird, whatever.

So I'm talking to people about it. And like, maybe your room's haunted. Look it up. And I'm like, okay. blah blah, blah, haunted hotel. And it says, yes,

this hotel is haunted by a spectral maid who works to ensure you have a pleasant stay at the hotel. So she just kept tucking your feet in? And she took my towels

and put them away somewhere. And another comic when I woke up and all of his towels were gone. And in the hallway, I heard people and I kept hearing this thing about like,

we got to get to the party, we got to go to the party. And it sounded like they were right next to me. And someone else said on their floor they heard like people talking about apart. Like it was, I was so scared I got salt. I salted my entire room.

I remember, yeah. I was so scared. I met these women on the street. I told them they're like, baby, you got to get salt and blah, blah. But the blood you gotta kill a goat. You gotta get a goat. And so I told the women at the front desk and they're like, who did you get to do that? I was like, these women I found in the street. And she was like,

oh, baby, they ain't human. They vampires. They witches. You got to get most salt. I was like, oh my God. Stay with me, strong black woman. At Bobby Seance in Baltimore, we didn't have salt, and they said we needed salt, so we just took potato chips. No, I said corn chips. I had corn chips. Oh, yes. The circle of corn chips.

Shut up. There's salt. And they were gone by the morning. The circle of corn chips saved my life. I didn't talk to it. I didn't want to invite it in, but it was fucking spooky. I had Kim Kongden come over. I was like, please don't leave.

There was a place in Louisville, too, one of the whole town. Louisville. Louisville. Louisville. The hotel is haunted. And it's always a chick who fucking husband did something bad. Yeah. A wife and she killed the altar.

Some weird thing. Yeah. The lady in the blue dress. Yeah. And then, but I did go up to the ballroom where supposedly she's seen. And it, my arm started like, my arm started like getting goose pimples and and started. Yeah. My room, it was fucking freezing in my room.

Yeah. Freezing. How do you know? about this? You don't have air conditioning? Sorry, I'm just going for some quick... He should get a ghost to live in his apartment. You'd solve it. That's great. I do. Foley's living in my apartment right now. Is Foley?

Yeah. Which one? Andrew Foley? He's living in your apartment? Yeah. He lives in the spare room right now. Oh, okay. Roommies. Oh, that's cool. You know, there is these hotels, like in Idaho, there was definitely, like, the one that was kind of like the Shining Hotel, and there was just so much like... And you stayed there? Yeah, yeah.

Did you see anything? It was terrifying. No, but We all thought we did. Some guy told me he goes, I wake up. There's like a woman wearing like a turn of the century clothes and all that kinds of. But like there's something about the late night count. What is it called? The person who works the desk. Yeah.

That person. They are. They love that. They kind of love this whole like, you know, they're like weird. They're into like the park. Yeah, the port in Baltimore. When I checked in the late night lady, I was like, hey, is this place? She goes, she just looks.

She just looks. Yes, it is. Oh, the place across the port. Yeah. They love like the like how. creeped out everybody is. I guess that's their thing. Can I say something? What is a ghost really going to do to you besides tuck your

feet in and take your towels? There's some negative entities out there, man. They'll scratch you, they'll hurt you, they don't want you in their space. It's very scary. But the worst is a scratch? That's all you're going to get? You are wrong. Some of them are violent. They throw things that, you know, like, wait, I'm thinking of

dementia. It's hard to stay on topic here tonight. You're allowed to smoke in here? No. Not yet. Not yet. Are you smoking with that thing? Yeah, why not? You're gonna get a dry socket, buddy.

What's a dry socket? It's when you have an open wound in your gum and it gets dry and then it can get infected. And you get that from, I miss smoking. What was that time we smoked? I smoked. Wait, why can't we smoke in there? Because of Ava lives upstairs and she's allergic. I'm sorry.

We're almost done. You can wait. I know, I know. It is weird that we know everybody in the building. It's weird that we know everyone in the building. Well, it's, it's, I used, I, I miss smoking. I was thinking about it the other day because, do you ever do it again?

No, I can't. But you're a cigar guy. I think you're a cigar man. I'm a cigar guy and I do zins and shit like that, but smoking. Right there, Bobby. But smoking for me, having the little pack of cigarettes and taking that little fucker out and fucking, I mean, there was nothing like it. There's nothing cooler for me and having the cigarettes and it's small, like a cigar takes a while. Even a little one takes a while.

And I can't get past a night. inhale like cigars give me headaches i can't just keep i got to inhale you know but i was i was losing my voice every act of it and i'm an addict so i will smoke two two and a half packs a day yes two and a half pack i would smoke so much all day long and then i'd lose my voice every week and i wouldn't and i would get these fucking crazy welcome to my world yeah dude it was well that's cool that you gave it up with the cigars man that's a hard one like where can you smoke them you know you gotta go to a cigar club no you can smoke outside of the club i always go in the back i and put a chair in the back of the Yeah, but then you look like Aaronberg.

Well, yeah, I know, but I... I'm doing his podcast tomorrow. Huh? Yeah. Dave. Well, I'm podcasting my way to fame. You're promoting this show. I'm promoting this.

Where is the show again? Tell people where's the show. Right now, it's just on my site. But where are we doing it? We're doing it on Monday live. On Monday, the Village Underground. It's coming out now. Dan, is on the air now.

It's coming out Sunday. This is live to Patreon, and it comes out everywhere on the 30th the day before you the thing. Great. Right there before. So, but you'll... Well, fellow, thank you in advance. You'll sell out.

You're gonna sell... Are you already sold out? I hope so. So you're hosting it? I mean, it's no Madison Square Garden. So are you hosting it? I think so. Here's the problem with the seller.

You want to sell it out beforehand. Because what will happen is seller people will come who are just going to see the show. And if they come to your show, thinking they're going to see like a show for show... No, I'm going to do some time. Well, how is the dead man going to be... They're going to see it all away. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Jesus, Christ.

My God. Jeez, I'm so sorry, guys. I didn't know I would have to fix that dry socket. It's making you miserable. I don't know how. Touring with you two on the road would be fucking hilarious. I was the best. I miss it so much.

Are you not doing it anymore? No, I'm headlining. He is a hardcore headliner right now. I know. It's on the road like everything. Doesn't it suck when you start to headline? Because now you're alone on the road. Well, that's why I've been making friends in the towns I go to.

We know. I hit it. I, you open for me. I hit it. And I have people I know, so I'm not alone. And I bring my opener. It's a very funny comic, Patrick Holbert. Right.

He's my videographer. He's sober, too, so we'll, like, you know, go to meetings and stuff. But, yeah, sometimes when I'm out there alone, it's fucking brutal. It's brutal. Being on the road with him was, like, the greatest adventure ever. It was, like, the most fun. I miss it so much. I was never asking.

No, it was great. A trip to CVS? Yeah, it was so fun. Like, when you're sober on the road, there's, like, only if you played. A trip to him with CVS is more fun. then fucking anything you can even imagine. It's like it's, it's, it's so great. That's why I love casino gigs, even though like, let's face it, the show, you know,

but there's stuff to do around in the casino and like, you know, it's just like, everybody's so in their own zone that like you can really just walk around and you can smoke inside, you get to do all these things, but just seeing like, you can definitely see the sadness of why. I feel like so connected to these people of like, you know, like these people either, either they're retired or like, you know, whatever it is. just like them and their machines all day, like just like watching them.

One time, smoking in front of them. We were playing a casino. And I was at a machine and I was like winning. And every time you would come up, I'd lose. And it's like, it's like eight o'clock of the morning. People were like cleaning and I'm yelling at him.

I'm like, get away from me. So then he would stand like 50 feet away. Be like, are you winning? And then I'd be like, yes, leave me alone. And then he'd just come up and I'd start losing. And I'm yelling at him. And then we could only communicate. 8, 20 feet away.

It was incredible. It was amazing. That is the, like, when you're in casino time, and, like, it's four or five in the morning. And, like, there's still guys, like, at the blackjack table, but there's the guy vacuuming. I love that. It's like, oh, you should go home. You're not going to win it back. I like being on my own on the road now because I love adventures and, like, doing stuff.

And then when I was as him, we would adventure sometimes. Maybe, like, do you want to go here? Do you want to do that? You'd be like, turn the only child off. Yeah. like I'm lucky if I can listen to my tapes. That's like a walking, listen to my tapes. It's also fine coffee.

That's always the big thing in some of these sounds. The coffee excursion. You talk about like the front desk people. It's like, I don't know. Yeah, they don't know anything. They never know. They never know. You go, hey, is there a Starbucks or a place to get coffee?

And they're like, well, there's a map with. Yeah, they don't ever know. They're working in a casino. So they're probably not just talking about in general. Yeah. Oh, in the hotels? Like in a hotel, like in a small hotel. Yeah, it's weird what we fucking do for years and years and years, what we strive for.

To be in a hotel just to try to find something to do for the day, just to do a show at night, just to go stand somewhere and smoke something until we can fall asleep. I'm like, I tell my people, I'm like, dude, I don't care about niceness. I don't need to be it like a nice, whatever is closest proximity to the club. If I can like walk to the club, I'm in heaven. Yeah. The whole like, oh, I got to get picked up and bomb like, dude, I do not fucking care. I'm staying like a best Western if it's closer to the club, you know. Yeah, walking to the hotel.

There's nothing better than what you can leave whenever you want. Having you picked up at six for a 7.30 show? Louisville is the best because the hotel is right. Like you walk downstairs and I just played Dr. Grins. Hotel across the street. I had to be there like 6.50. I left at 6.49. I was like, this is heaven.

How about the hotel that's in the fucking, the gig that's in the hotel? Bonanas Hotel Blackfoot Calgary Hotel Blackfoot Laft Boston The Lafayette room Oh

That room is great You just take the elevator down That's a good one Oh what about like You ever do Edmonton House of Comedy You're stuck in a mall For the entire week

You don't know what time it is You're like I think I'll just end it You gotta go outside Like just to go like Yeah yeah You need the sun on my page Yeah I don't like those mall gigs The mall gigs

The mall gigs are fucking tough man Those I've been in some dark places and those. Last time I did one of those, I ordered wooden spoons off of Instagram. I learned how to do something. Yeah, those House of Comedy Gigs are tough,

dude. The Mall of America was a tough one. I remember having to walk through the mall and like at 12th. It was way through a million Somalis. Just nobody was there. It was just closed. And then standing out, they made me take a shuttle back to the hotel. I was in a snowstorm

at a shuttle stand outside. in a parking lot. And I was like, I didn't do it. I didn't make it. Yeah. Here's another thing I do. It's like find an apple. Have you ever played this game?

How hard it is to find one apple on the road? Like you gotta go to 7-Eleven for those bruised, terrible apples? Or like, you go to the guy, like, is there like a little like grocery store or something around there? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're about two or three miles up the road is always like one of these like worst neighborhood, you know, and I'm like, I'm doing it. Oh, yeah. And there's a town where it's like illegal to find a vegetable.

Yeah, so it's like a mood desert, I believe we call it. So you're like, find an apple. You just gave a bunch of young comics a game to play on the road. Find an animal. If you can find one within two days of being in this town, you're the mayor. Yeah, I like the road, but it was a fucking one I was.

You don't go out all the time. No, I can't. No, I got, I can't. Do you ever bring them? That's fun. She only comes on the good ones. Yeah. So they came to Austin last time, but here's a problem with that.

We go to Austin, which is, you know, it's a big club. And we had to go two days before and go do this and then go do that. So I'm doing shit all day. And then I have to wake up and do stuff there. You have to get breakfast and do things. And then I have to go and do the shows. And then they're a bed. So I have to tiptoe in the hotel at night because everybody's asleep.

And I love it. And it's great. And I know that, you know, it's for a small amount of time. because he's not going to want to do that when he's fucking 16 has a car and he can get laid he's going to just go get late he's going to go get late Yeah but you have to do all that day family stuff

It wears you out for the show Dude it fucking kills you Being a family man Hot son We went to like these springs during the day And we went to a beach And then we did a ton of shit During the day

And then at night I have to do a show Yeah And you got to get that nap in I gotta get that nap I need a nap dude I've been finding And if I'm slammed and doing a ton of stuff during the day, I just got to get, like, even if it's 20, 25 minute,

just shut my eyes and then I'll do a bunch of push-ups afterwards, and I'll wake me up and I'll be like, ready to go. The nap is key. If I don't get a nap before. But no shower. No shower. I don't shower until I get back to my own house. There's no time.

It's, yeah, it's fucking crazy. The road to me is, I miss the way it used to be back in the day when I, dude, back in the day, my house here sucks over. bad going on the road was the best because it was a hotel room you got air conditioning you had ac you had tv yeah it was like it put me wednesday to fucking monday i used to go wednesday to monday and be like this is great come back in and do tuesday uh sunday tuesday tuesday to sunday was like the road week and now it's like dude i don't think i could first of all i don't have a bag that could pack that you know i can't fact that i i do friday i do thursday friday saturday or

Friday, Saturday, and I come home. Some of the Friday, dude, Friday, Saturday, three show weekend is like... Oh, dude, when they have one show on Friday, one of the happiest times in my comedy career, I was in Atlanta, and I was so sad on Friday, and I did the first show, and it was such a hell gig. Nobody was there.

I think it was 30 people, and it was such a weird... It was in an arcade for kids, I don't know, weird. And I did the show, and I was outside, and I'm just sitting there, and I'm smoking. The kid came out. I was like one more show, bro. We get the first one. We should have to do one more.

And he went, what are you talking about? There's only one show on Friday. Oh, my God. I went, what? He said, there's one show. And I almost teared up. I was like, I can go home. I can go home?

It's like waking up and finding out. It's snow day. Yes, this is amazing. I got one of those coming up. If I'm there, I want to work. I want to, I'll do as many. Well, you're a psychopath. Yeah, but I'm like, you know, what else am I going to do here?

I do, like, you know, like, the worst part is like, by the time you get done, there's no food. but it's also like weird when you get done way early and now it's like you can go to an apple beach you can go to it and I'm like You go to Brazil steakhouse? Yeah, well that's if it's a good town but usually it's like well yeah no you still got two hours on the aisle

Yeah you can get some date You could get some nachos at the Daveen Busters We're just horking nachos in front of children Yeah I mean I want to you know but What's the worst gig you ever did? Worst one? Worst yeah worst weekend you ever did Well I'm not going to name a club

But I will say that like There are some clubs where like it's debatable whether they do comedy. You know what I'm saying? Like the owner doesn't seem into it. The staff isn't into it. And like the staff is important. That's why I take good care of them because I like, you know, if they're into comedy, even, you know, like, if they're comics, I try and give guests by someone. But like the fact that like they're just phoning it in. I'm like, you should work in another restaurant because they're not going to be into it. But I don't know. Like I really am very lucky. I would say from coast to coast, there's so many good clubs. It's just really, I'm old, you know. And like, my.

crowd is getting older. So, like, you know, there's good weeks, there's bad weeks. But, like, I got to do it. I mean, I know I have to keep doing it. So, but I don't know. How about you? Do you have, like, a bad. Worst Club was in Tennessee.

It was, I'll name it. It was side splitters from Tampa, which I love. That's a great club. He opened a club in Tennessee for a minute. Recently? No, it was years ago. Oh. And he opened the club, and I showed up.

And the first show, there was, I think, five. people and the emcee was a local guy who literally had a suitcase of merch oh cool and he would bring he would bring shirts up on stage and do jokes and then hold the shirt up let's go after the end of every joke

and then I was on and uh I was on stage and these couple in the front row were just making out it was five people wow they were making out and then the other two people were kind of listening and this other couple was young and this guy was just talking to his girl the whole time

And then I finally was, hey, can you guys stop me? Can you stop, please? And she wound up getting kicked out. And I said something to her about where she's from. And I remember she got kicked out, kicked out two of the five people. And then she came back in and screamed at me, I'm from Hawaii. Fuck face. And there's no coming back after that.

It's like, you know, the other two people that just started laughing. And I still had, I think, 32 minutes left to do my. Wow. And I remember I got yelled at by Bobby, the owner at the time. Bobby Joel called me the next day. And he fucking, he's like, listen, you can't be fucking. And I lost it. I was like, fuck you.

This fucking crowd, your staff. This is bullshit. Fire me. I'll fucking leave right now. I had two more days left of doing shows. I just lost it. I go, fire me. Fuck this place.

They did this people. Making out, this guy was talking. Nobody said fucking shit. The fucking middle of it went over his time. He had fucking 900 things of merch. And fuck you, fire me. And he was like, well, let's not get crazy. Well, you know, all right, I'll talk to the people.

You know? And then I remember the next night I was just sitting there. And I'm praying that there was actually people showed up. I'm just praying. And then a lady comes out. She got kicked out. And she takes a bottle and just throws it at the bartender's fucking head. And it's, I have it on video and just smashes it.

And then leaves. I was like, I'll never. ever come back to this. Usually any club where they go, oh, it's down by the flats. Yeah. That usually is like, get ready to fight.

Oh, yeah, down by the flats. That is. Oh, the Cleveland Improv was like that back of the day. There was the other one in Pittsburgh. Do you remember the original? Yeah, the Pittsburgh. Yeah, yeah. That guy was great where he was like,

like the first thing says, you're not even hello, whatever. It was, um, listen, um, you get one drink at 20% off and then you get the food. It's like, okay. How about a hello, welcome to the club? I don't want you cheating me. I don't want to. I was like, okay.

The Tempe Improv did that to me my first time headline in there. The owner, I was in the bathroom, and I knew it was him. They booked me, and he was just standing there peeing next to me, didn't say hi, and then looked over at me funny, and then I went over to wash our hands, and he just looked at me again funny, and then smiled and just walked out.

Damn, Your? Yeah. Dan was great. Yeah, he was great. And then I went to sell my merch after, and he put me in the parking lot. I was in the parking lot by the cars, and because he was selling real estate people selling time shares. So where I was supposed to sell my merch, he was making deals on timeshares. Wow.

Get a time jail. Get a shirt. Kind of sell fucking a CD. It was awful. Oh, God. I missed Dan, man. He was like classic. Yeah, he was a weird dude.

Oh, Bob. Thanks for having me in, man. I don't. Dave just ended the show. No, I don't, I want to go smoke a cigarette. I know. It's tough, dude, not smoke a cigarette. I'm going to smoke with you.

Come on out. Too crazy. Yeah, and you can run a system down. Listen, we got the dead man's merch. Monday, it's happening. We're doing a live show. We're doing stand-up. Dave's doing stand-up.

We're going to be doing some other. It's going to be a fun. If you're a comedy fan, you're going to love it. All the great comics are there. Ian, Robert. There's so many people are going to drop. buy and then it's a it's a project so i think people are going to enjoy it it's going to be fun interesting and something like you never seen so if you love comedy you want to laugh you want

to see something new come down it's Monday night at the VU it's great and I'm going to be selling last the dead man has his own merch he does selling some I have a t-shirt little coffins little coffins and bubbles yeah you should sell bubbles um so make sure you check that out and uh we got who is this is Ian finances punchup what's your punchup is punchup punchup Live slash Ian Fidance. Or eimfidance.com for all tickets. He's going to be in Brookfield, the Milwaukee Improv this weekend. There you go.

That's a week. Next weekend, comedy on state, September 3rd to 5th. Oh, that's a great town. So stoked to get out there. You and I are headlining Saratoga Comedy Festival together. I know. Do you see the photo they put up on me? They used all photos from 20 years ago.

They made a... Oh, you guys should go to the track when that's at. Oh, in Arpary. Yeah. And then I'm in Charlotte, North Carolina. Comedy Club at Duckworth. October 1st, 3rd, Dallas-addison Improv. I'm stoked to get back down to Dallas.

Good one. I haven't been to Dallas since the guy threatened my life for two years straight. Really? Literally, he would send me emails telling me he's going to kill me, and he knows where I live. He knows everything about me. Well, come out to the show, buy a ticket. I'll give you Bobby's info.

A friend of mine from the FBI, find out where he works, where he lives, and I sent him an email with all his information. Work, mother, blah, blah, blah. And I said, dude, if you don't stop, I will be contacting these people. And he finally stopped. He's on the show next week.

Oh, Chris. That place is a rowdy room. Addison? When I worked there, Addison Imprope? Yeah, it used to be. I love it. Is it as rowdy as it used to be?

Not like the, dude, I just played a couple. Bless. Rumors, Winnipeg, sold it out five shows. I love you. Amazing time. I've never been in a club more where each show you're like another human animal. They tried to cancel Voss. Really?

Yeah, that's where he got in trouble when he started making fun of the indigenous people. Oh, dude, I get a big native crowd that comes out to see me. Yeah, like celebrate them in the culture. And I love them. He actually put his ear to the ground. He goes, I'm seeing if they got kicked out. Shut the fuck up. Holy shit.

Ha! All right, so make sure you check out Ian And of course, Dave Atal One of the greatest comics to do with it. Thanks for having it. Look at all the date. I mean, you do. Oh, look at those.

Look at that. You're sold out. Dave, you're sold out to the DC Improv. Don't minimize it. Dave. But Des Moines, Iowa is still to be had. So let's do it, people. Make sure you check out.

Dave. What is it, Davidel.com? Yeah. All right. He's still got a fucking website. When are you going to punch up, dude? I have no idea. Let's go next week.

And make sure you check them out. New York. Watch it. Oh, my. goodness you're in waukegon illinois why didn't you say so dave look at you holding that close let it out the orphium theater well look at all the theaters you're going to be the last of me oh punch you're at the sack punch line i'm up in between act punch line the week all right jumping on my credits you really are i'm i'm excited i know it's too excited there's a little too much going on um all right

make sure you go to punchup dot live slash robert kelly for all my dates uh i don't have as many dates as David Tell, but I don't think anybody does. Saratoga Springs. I'm going to be with my friend. That's be a fun weekend. That'll be a good weekend. Me and you're going to be up there. Spill the track. Brooklyn Improv. I'm doing that. That's a new room. I'm excited to do that. Port Charlotte. I'm going back. I love that room.

Vasani. Do you ever play Vassanis? No. Yeah, it's a great room down in Port Charlotte at the Vassani Comedy Theater. And then I'm doing the Laugh Boston. Go to punchup. com. Live slash Robert Kelly for all my case. Can I say something real quick? Please. they're only giving full weekends at Laugh Boston to guaranteed sellouts.

So, congrats, Bobby. That's great. Nice. All right. Well, we'll see if I get one next year. That's right. You can't take it for granted. You can't take it for granted.

And on top of that, I just like to say, I am doing a split weekend there. Nice. Where I'm not getting a whole weekend. Thanks for putting all the pressure on my weekend. You're going to nail it. You're a hometown hero. Danny, what do you got?

Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff. and come see me live in a Philly September 10th at Claude's Comic Club and Syracuse October 3rd. Tadda. Joe. Hey, everybody. This is Joe Russell.

Just go to Jokes Russell on Instagram and give me a call. Give you a call. Yeah. Call me. You have a phone number? Yeah, sure. Well, I just said that on accident.

Okay, nice talking to you. Listen, we're going to Patreon real quick. We have a couple questions we're going to ask. Are you okay with that? Yes. I'm sorry. Can I pee real quick? Go pee. Go pee.

Oh, man. We got questions we ask these guys from the Patreon, from you. So if you want to be part of that, patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. We ask your questions live right here. Patreon, of course you get this live. We got a couple questions for you guys, which I'm very excited about. So if you want to check that out, go there, subscribe now. If not, on YouTube, make sure you subscribe, like and comment.

And make sure you check out all these guys live at their comedy shows. That's the most important thing. We'll see you guys next time on. You know what, dude?