Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #655 | Jim Norton & Jo Ellis

Episode Date: September 6, 2026

Jim Norton and Jo Ellis join the pod and Jim teaches Bobby about Punchup Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.quince.com/YKWD Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You know what, dude, live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKWD. I started the social media podcast. The fact. The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day.

Where it all started. Be from crazy. This isn't NP. What's up, everybody. We're back at the Comedy Cellar Studios above the world famous comedy seller. It's YKWD. You know what, dude. One of the first comedy podcasts ever.

That's a fact. Look it up. We got a great show tonight. We have a new friend and one of my favorite friends in the world is here. Danny, who do we got? Asshole. We have from the Jim Norton Can't Save You podcast and the Anthony of Jim show, Jim Norton is in the house. Yes.

And from Kill Tony, Joe Ellis is here. We're here. Well, where'd you find him on charisma.com? I don't know. How do you not have that autistic countdown? He does. Five, four, three, two, one. One night he went.

Five, six, seven. That was Max. All right, relax. He's autistic too. I just came up. I was downstairs and Kevin is downstairs. Kevin Hart's going on. Oh, is he?

So I said, I haven't seen him in a while. I told him I was coming up and doing your podcast. And we both just discussed how finished I am. And he gave me $300. He goes, don't do it. Why did you not? Why did you... This is why I'm not a funny person.

I took the money. Yeah. But I'm like... I should have come up and just done the podcast. Yeah. But I gave the money. I just can't have... You didn't take the money?

No, I regret it. I can't have him thinking... Fuck him. I want his money. Fuck him. Or need his money. He walked into Opie and Anthony. You remember this?

He walked into Opie and Anthony one day. Looked at me. I was heavy at the time during one of my fats. And he walked in and he goes... God damn Bobby. What the fuck happened to you? You're a mess. And he handed me a thousand dollars.

And I left. $1,000. I went home. By the way, the fact that he offered me $300 shows that he thinks I can be bought out of doing something for $300. That's also an insultingly low offer. Or it means that you don't need the money.

I actually needed the $1,000. He looked at me and goes, the joke would be funny with $1,000 with Bobby. Jim, it's funny with less money because you have money. I want to say, like, I flew here for this podcast, so $300, like... Would it helped you? It would have helped, but not only that, like,

I would have paid a lot of money. lot more to be here. So I think he doesn't appreciate how wonderful this podcast really is. I should have kept it. Yeah, I kind of regret it. But I don't like him thinking he just can give me 300 bucks and I'd go away. I would have took fucking 100. I would have to, anything he fucking sticks in front of my face. I'm snatched. I'm

a script. How about you give me a script, Kevin? Yeah, how about you get me on the roast, Kev? Yeah. Well, the roast, that's, I didn't expect to be on that because, again, that's Netflix and that's, whatever. They're going to have just celebrities, so I don't know, I'm not delusional. You're not Jewish either. I am. No, it's not

True. What? I mean, I'm not, but I'm saying that for the podcast. Cut out my shocked part. I'm converting because I'm trying to make it in show business. I don't know if it'll help you. Have you ever heard of Rich Foss? I saw him at the stand on Friday. Rich Sposs must be here tonight. He literally couldn't be doing worse than showbiz if he was a fucking the leader of Hamas. I know. It's terrible. He's in my documentary. What's the documentary called? What's your documentary called? Where are they now? It's called Fighting Forward. It's about trans military and what they do in light of the military ban. Why did you get Voss in it? Because I was filming at the creek, and Voss was out there eating chicken fingers. And so I sat down and just started talking to him.

He started talking about Israel and Palestine like he normally does. Really? Why would he? I've never heard him do that. He's never been to Israel. I think Vos has been to him. He just went recently. Yeah, yeah, I saw the picture of it.

The cameras came around and we actually had a really cool conversation. And my director was like, this was awesome. I was like, yeah. And they were like, oh, his wife's Bonnie. Like, she seems really interesting. I was like, yeah, we should get her. That's the most interesting part about him is Bonnie. Yeah, and it's the worst part of her.

That she married him. He was supposed to be here tonight and he canceled. What? He actually, he's doing me a favor when he does my podcast too. He's like, what else are you doing? No one's asked you to do anything, Rich. Yeah, but he's complained forever about podcasting, about coming into the city. Then move closer, you fucking hayseed.

Stop moving to farmland. What do you want to raise chickens and retire quietly? In your middle of your career, things are quiet. Yeah, he got to fucking build a fucking built. pool that he never goes in. You got a pool that we went there one time and it wasn't even clean. He didn't even need one. He could have just talked over a hole.

Yeah, he canceled. He said he's got to do this and he gave him a bunch of excuses. A bunch of bull sugar. Yeah, I understand. He fucking sticks. It would have been fun to have mom. Yeah. I didn't realize how tall you orcs? I've seen you, but how tall you? Six one. Oh, I didn't know that. Okay. I saw you this village underground just on Saturday. I was there with my ex-wife. Oh. Yeah. You and

and Laura, it was great because you came out and did a bit about trans military. Yes. And I was so appreciative of that because I'm sitting literally the front row. I'm like, thank God more people than me are saying, I've said something very similar, not as a joke, but... I didn't take it. I didn't see you say it. No, no, no. It wasn't a joke.

I'm just saying like the whole comparison of like mentally unwell and all that. I loved what you did. So anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. What was your... What was the bit, but what was it about? I've been doing this on Instagram too. Whenever I see like ultra-religious people falling, I would, I would, I would, I would put them in my stories and say, remember,

trans people are not mentally well. Because that's the military's excuse. I was showing all these religious people behaving like fucking idiots. Right. But Instagram started fucking with my account because it doesn't read sarcasm. Right. They don't... Like the Dutch?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, my wife, who's fucking scanning. What? No. Is this possible? No, you fucking ass. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?

I ate 200 burgers. I was so hungry. No, you didn't. That's too many. Thank you. I love Nikki. Come on. They don't get sarcasm at all.

No, they don't. But neither is Instagram, so I stop. But yeah, the bit is about that. It's about mental wellness and who's considered mentally well and who isn't. Well, because, I mean, look, people know you, but people don't know you that you're trans. No. How could you tell? I don't know.

Was it the dick? I've never seen you dick. It's a shame. You did ask for dick pics. I haven't sent those yet. Yeah, I did. I didn't ask for him. I said, I was joking about your dick picks.

You're like, is this where I sit, where they show up? I was like, sure. I was like, do you want them? And he's like, no, no, I'll send mine. I was like, okay. Do you want to be embarrassed? My dick's not, yeah, it's embarrassing. Let's see it.

My dick? Yeah, give me 20 minutes. It's inside my body. It's scared of your dick when I walk in the room. It could sense a bigger, stronger dick was around so it shriveled. Yeah, it really bugs me that you have a bigger dick to me. He has a big a dick to me too. I've seen his.

He's got a nice cough. It's not bigger than Jason Ellis's though. Jason Ellis has a monster dick. Is he a big penis? I wouldn't say big. I've been featuring for him on the road. He's great. He's a great guy.

He's a great guy. He's awesome. I love it. I love the stuff he's been through too. It's so weird. I credit you for a lot of, like you were hanging out with me, Patrice, Keith, Gerald. And we're all fucking crazy.

But you always, even Opie and Anthony, you were on that show, which people are homophobic, all this bullshit. And then you, but you always joking around about tranny, talking about we knew you went with trannies. I knew.

This is the one I knew the whole training thing with normally right. Hold on. Hold on. Now you can say it. Oh, that's funny. A T-pass card. You already have one. You're married.

It's, that you're right. Jason's packing. All right. Good for Jason. Good for Jason. Oh, yeah, there is.

Really thin, too. That helps. He got on Howard's, like one of his claims to fame is Howard Stern asking him to put how many M&Ms could he fit in his uncircumcised dick. Not like in the hole, but like in the horse skin. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was like 50. I could fit those European em. I would have eight. them afterwards. I was I was I knew I really hit me I told Norton

I go I just moved to the city in this really cool building it's a dormant building and I'm right across the street from Edelweiss Edelweiss. Edelweiss was his trans club literally a week later

I just saw him moving stuff in you were on I just told this story too on some other show we were on between Hess on 10th Avenue and 43rd Street Market Diner

Yeah Market Diner. He died who was by the Edelweiss and Hest station was where all the hookers were, all the working girls. Yeah. Back in like the late 90s. Yeah. And then Edelweiss. But Edelweiss closed right after I moved in in 2002.

Yeah, because you fucking, you tired everybody out. They were like, oh, he does his shop. He doesn't buy. I actually got to play a working girl in the upcoming Roseanne Bar show. Oh, you're in her show? Yeah. Is it like on TV TV? It's not out yet, but they did six episodes.

First Season's done. What network? They don't know yet. Oh, they just shot it. Last I heard is they were going to put it on a news platform or is going to get picked up by someone. Good for Roseanne. I hate the fact that they fucked her just because she had a dumb tweet. It was her show.

It was her franchise. Every morning on set, she was like, hey, Joe, how are you? I got her and Randy Quaid to laugh. I made a joke on set, and they both, like, bust out laughing. Randy Quaid, though, isn't Randy Quay crazy? He's, he's, like, taller than me. I didn't realize how tall he was. But he's a little crazy, right?

I mean, I don't care because, like, Independence Day as a pilot, seeing him and quoting him through flight school, like, he's got all those famous, like, drunk pilot quotes, right? Like, you know, you know the movie? See, I hated him in the movie. Oh, I loved him. You didn't like him in Independence Day? No, I liked Mohammed Atta on 9-11

better than I liked him in Independence Day. But anyway, he was in that too. I think John Levitz was a rabbi. Like, it's gonna be a great show. I know him from vacation. He was great in vacation. He's a great actor. I just didn't like the Independence Day joking.

He plays a drunk guy a lot. Yeah, because he's out of his fucking mind. Like, I follow him on on Instagram for a while, but it was like crazy. The stuff he was talking about was like nuts. Dennis Quaid, who I always, I always liked. I was in that movie with Mickey and Rooney Bill.

But I was, like, annoyed because he was coming on our show on time and there was a stripper in studio and he wouldn't come in with the stripper in studio. It's like, what do you think she's going to do? Fucking throw her pussy on your face. Like, we just, it's a radio show. She wasn't doing to do anything. She was there for something else. Yeah, but it annoyed me.

It might be religious-based stuff. I mean, there's... Oh, really? He'll work in Hollywood. Everybody does Coke and fucks kids. Yeah, but the Lord doesn't like those big tits. But there's actors that won't do kissing scenes. because they're married.

Oh, true. All right, that's one thing. Well, yeah. Who won't? I could see Chris Pratt being that way. There was, like, Super Christian. Who? Chris Pratt?

I don't know much about him. I think he's like Super Christian. He went, he went Christian now, yeah. But there's a guy that was in Yellowstone. He played a bad guy in Yellowstone. Kevin Costor? No, he's got like white hair. He's got, good-looking guy, country guy.

Not a middle-aged woman. I don't watch a girl. But he would not, he doesn't kiss. A guy with white hair? Who is he? We're into character. No, but I don't. I don't know who he is.

No, Sam Elliott. No, Sam Elliott seems like he would... Right. I love Sam Elliott. He played the bad guy. Did he just die or is he alive? Sam Elliott, he's dead. He is dead.

What? No, he's alive. I thought he's alive. Oh, that's the guy from Rocky Harrah picture show just died. Tim Curry? No, I believe me, I know who Tim Curry is. I know you changed my life. Of course he did.

No, but I know there wasn't one of those older guys that died. I loved him in Clue. That was my favorite, Tim Curry. Yeah, that was his favorite, too. Because I was a kid when that came out. His parents had no clue. Oh, they did? Did they really?

They did? How could they not? I mean, what are you talking about? Wait. How did they, I'll show you the guy. He keeps scrolling. He was just a side character. You don't need to go through.

Oh, I don't know who he is. I don't care. But my point is that there's some actors that relive, they don't kiss on film, they don't do love scenes. And I respect that. I'm cool with that, but, you know, what are you going to do? What?

I mean, like, they'll shoot somebody. Yeah, but you can't, I understand, but making out with somebody, people always say when you kiss somebody you make a love scene. It's just acting. Go fuck yourself. There's something in that. When you're making out with somebody on film...

Well, there's always truth to whatever you do, I think. There's always a sliver of truth. Yeah, you're not going to make out with a girl. You're still going to feel it and like it, and that's kind of disre-re- I mean, I wouldn't do. I'd fucking fuck a chick on film. You'd have Don in, like, sitting by the key grip while it's happening. If my wife is in the hospital, I'd let someone quiff on my notes. I mean, technically, this is film, and I'm in an open relationship.

Are you dating somebody now? I'm dating a woman, Danny. I've been dating her since March. Shout out to Danny. She's been coming on the road with me a little bit. You're taking your girlfriend on the road? A little bit. Well, Ellis really lucked out.

What a gig. I know, right? You and your girlfriend coming together? I know. Yeah, we do come at the same time. Oh, she's a stand-up? Oh. Is she a comic for that?

No, she's not a comic. I have a rule like, no comics. Oh, yeah. But I respect Ellis, too. Alice changed his whole life around. He kind of flipped everything out. It was like, I don't want to do that shit anymore. I'm on his I'm not gay tour.

Yeah, he's on, he's living on the country. He's having a good time. We were just in Denver this week. That's where I came from was Denver comedy work. Yeah, man, he's, he's, he's, I like people who fucking adjust their life to be happy. If you're doing something that's not happy, and then they make a choice to, you know, fuck it, I'm going to go do this now. Think about how much power is in the statement of, uh, I decided to change my mind about this. Yeah.

You don't have to double down. Yeah. And in his case, it would have been cock, so. Yeah. It's hard to change your mind about things that turn you on. Oh, maybe. Yeah. I agree. I agree. Yeah. What do you mean?

I mean, because most of those things I've found are not decision-based. They just hit you. Like, if you see a nice ass, like, it does something to you. You don't go, huh, yes, I'm going to feel sexually about that. It just hits you. Right. Yeah, but there are some things that hit you because of things that have happened to you. Yeah. Maybe. I mean, there are things that, you know, I know people that things happen to them when they're younger and they wound up doing those things later and then we're like, yeah, I'm doing that because of this and I don't want to every time I do that the the addiction part of it or the drug part of it is and as soon as they're done they have an emotional hangover about it if you're doing it and feeling

good after you're fine but if you're doing it after and you feel like a piece of shit and you didn't want to do it people like that change like Jason there's certain things he was doing he's like I don't want to do that anymore doesn't make you feel good I like big nipples and I like big ariolas I don't know what could possibly I never decided to like them I just saw a giant cone I think that's different, right? Like, something that turns you on versus action. Like, what you're doing. Yeah, exactly.

Like, maybe he wasn't that into being, I'm not, well, I'm saying. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, if it's not right for you, just move on to what's right for you. I think there's power in that. I just don't, when people care about what other people do is annoying. Yeah. When you care about what whole people like, it's like,

I who gives a fuck. You know, and you can still be into Jesus and not give a fuck. You know what I mean? I don't know why it's, it's this way and that's it. Right. You know, I don't give a shit. That's why I always loved you because you were always doing crazy shit in the midst of people that fucked with you with it. Yeah.

And then you, when you got married, I was like, holy shit, dude, this is, this is real. Yeah. Like, you really like it. You don't like it? Let me ask you a question. Is marriage life, this is a real question. Same. I know how it is with me.

Yep. With a woman. And I know what happens. And there's a certain point where you're like, yeah, you go to bed. I'm 100% the same. It's the same thing. 100% this annoyance. What?

I'm fucking doing this. What? I mean, I was married. Don't ask me that. I was married twice. You married to a woman. I was married to two women. And they're annoying.

At a time. One at a time. They're fucking annoying. They can be. I'll give you a pass. You can say. I can say tranny. No, but I'm agreeing with Jim.

It's just like when you see a depiction of like an elderly gay couple and you realize their struggles. are mostly the same as straight couples. Yeah, but like, did they stop fucking, like, regular couple? Probably, and they get tired of each other's bullshit, and they argue about stupid shit, and like, they love each other. Me and Jim were gay, right? And we were a couple, old couple right now.

I'm enjoying this visual. If you came over and you were just like, yeah, I fucking sell it. They came over. Yeah, I'll blow you, dude. Come over here. I wouldn't, but I wouldn't be in the mood. I'd be annoyed. I just gave 300 bucks back.

I think I could have saved that and got myself a younger fellow without a white beard. You'd be mad at his kiss posters. You wouldn't like him, yeah. Is my white beard that turned you? Oh, I would hate that. Fucking Bob Vila blowing me. No one likes that. Take those your face.

Yeah, you get rashes on your face while you're kissing someone with the beard. I was never into men before, but lately I've ever since transition, I've tried some. And like, that's the biggest thing that I've struggled with is the facial area like rubbing your mom. Can I ask a question? I did it, girl. I don't like it either. Listen, when you, when you, because you transitioned, how old are you now? Your closet should be full of things you love wearing.

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slash Y-K-W-D for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash Y-K-W-D. I'm 36. You transitioned later in life, right? Yeah, three years ago. Okay, three years ago. But people don't know this,

that you were a patchy helicopter. Black Hawk. Black Hawk, sorry. I don't like. You like Black Hawk? I know. That's one of my jokes. Anyway, I didn't steal it. No, it's good.

You can have it back. But you went into... People really struggle not to say black cock when they keep saying black hawk. When you went into the military, you went as a fucking... I was 19. Yeah, 19, but you went through boot camp. You have to do all that... Good Christian man.

Christian. And I've seen the photo of you in your military. There's a bunch of good before and after photos. So you went in, you do all the stuff. Where in the middle of that, you know, you know, fly a fucking Black Hawk helicopter? You're in the... The military, you're in Iraq, you're doing all this fucking macho, alpha male military shit. But did you know the whole time?

I knew something. I didn't know what it was because I grew up very conservative religious. My dad worked for Pat Robertson at the 700 Club. So you and your dad don't talk anymore. Not. I'm kidding. It's the elephant in the room. It's the 699 club now.

Yeah. It's the elephant in the room. Is that what you call it? There I am. Well, there's trunk. Oh, that's a good face. It's the elephant's trunk. the room. There's some other good before

and afters on there with my wife. We got married in uniform. I mean, seriously, the first photo of you as a guy, I think you opened for me in fucking Oklahoma once. I wish. You look like every feature in the middle of the country. No, I was too busy jerking off to Torgasim.

I like that. Yeah. Dane parts. I know it was Dan. I know it's Dan. No, it was you. It was Dan a Gary. Or the Goldman. Yeah. Oh, you like the edge of you? You like the instigator? I loved it. I loved all that shit. Like, that was my coming into stand-up comedy was

2006 era, Dane Cook Vicious Circle. We went to Iraq in that era. Were you there? No, I was 16 of that. I was pretty young. But did you know it's 16? I knew ever since I was five, something was up, and I thought it was a problem that something was wrong with me. Right. And I didn't want to face it.

I didn't want to address it, so I just kept burying it and running from it. And just, I pursued achievements. So, like, degree, military, crossfit instructor, sailboat certificate. pilot, not only just helicopters, but also airplane pilot and everything. You're an airplane pilot. Yeah, I have my private pilot's license

for airplane, and I have a commercial rotor and a drone license. Okay. You lost me on the drone. Sorry. You have me on. I can fly the commercial, like the... Oh, you can fly the ones that, like, they're using in the, like, to fly them about those. I don't know if there's any civilian ones, but I can fly some for pay for hire.

Right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And then... Over like 50, whatever the... But you live in life, you're all this stuff, everything's going great, and then you... Yeah, wife, dog, house, house, everything in Virginia, just living my life. Get to go home for Christmas. Everybody's happy to see my proud of my son. Yeah, yeah.

I was National Guard, so I was part-time, so I had a career in technology outside of that, and a six-figure salary, all that stuff. Really? Yeah, yeah. Like, I threw all that away to make a point in comedy and to advocate for trans-military. No shit.

Yeah, I said, I want to become a comedian and tell my story using jokes and humor. I'm going to move to Austin. So I sold my house, gave up my job, moved to Austin, and went all in. And your ex-wife is smoking hot. She's from Poland originally. She's fucking ridiculous.

They've got great horro houses there too. Do they? Don't say it like that. Like it's a question. I've never been. Sorry, brothels. Well, in Berlin, it's like independent. They can walk on the street and solicit, but they can't have pimps.

In Poland, it's like horhouses. Sorry, anyway. No, it's all right. We could go into those stories. Are you still friends with your Polish ex-wife? Yeah, we were watching you at the seller. She came up from Richmond just for the, the night. They're like best friend. We're very close. And in fact, if it wasn't for her not being

attracted to women, we would still be married. So she doesn't like you because you're a woman. It's just sexually she's not attracted to me. But you still have a penis. Did you, did she miss that? I asked her, I said, could we, could we turn the lights off? Like, I'll, you know, just like straight doggy style. Just like straight couples. Yeah. It's just the image of me. My wife makes the same request, by the way. She's, she's kind of like, she's, can you kill, can you turn lights off and somehow kill the moon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I said. It's no different than a straight couple. If you just ignore me and shut the lights off and think about someone else. Right. Yeah. But no, it's, it's only that. Like, otherwise, we're thick as thieves. Like, I consider

her my platonic partner. Like, we don't live together because I went to Austin to, you know, wage war against the right. But, you know, that's just how it's... Is that... But that's a thing, too. I hate it when, like, you feel like, like, you have to be on the side of I have to be left because of that and you get pressured into be with that group. Oh, I hate it too. It's like you could just be you and like people on who they are, like how they treat you. Before I forget, I want you to remind me after that was, this is the Fidel Bell, forget Bell. It doesn't have to be right now. It can just be, I have a cool thing I'm doing. So I wanted you to just remind me, don't, not now, but just before I forget.

I've got a gift for Bobby too. Really? Yeah, yeah. What is it? Is the picture of your cock? Speaking of things in your mouth. Yeah. What is it? Have you been to this store? No, I haven't. It looks like two. It's like the fanciest place in the financial district with cigars.

I've heard of it. Crack it open. Tell me what you think of what I got. Cigar rolled in the size in perfect shape of her pocket. Oh my God. Oh. Oh, Rocky Patel. So Rocky used to be mine.

I used to smoke that all the time. Indian boxing movie? My father's my favorite. Decades. Decades is one of my favorites. This is my favorite, too. I thought they should have some. So one of them is the queen because they didn't have the king.

And he said that that's actually more rare. Hang on. We have, uh, is it Rich? Rich, Rich Voss, you're on the podcast that you know that's going now that you're supposed to be here. But yeah. I'm sorry. I couldn't make it.

I'm not going to make it on time. How long is you're going to go to? For, you know what it is. It's an hour. And then we're done. I love you, Rich. Oh, hot. Hi, how are you doing? How's it going?

Great. She said it. I've been great. It's been great. I wish I could have seen you more. I didn't feel that way. Well, Bonnie was pissed. You didn't tell her I was there the other night. I said you probably forgot by the time you got on stage, so. I talked to you before I went on. Correct.

And then, you know, Bonnie and I really don't talk. Oh, okay. That's right. You're married. I forgot that you don't talk. It has nothing to do with that. No one's right here. I'm right here. I'm right here. I'm right here. I put my back. How do you get Norton?

Bobby, how do you, how do you get Norton? That's insane. That's unbelievable. It's actually pretty hard to get Norton to do the podcast. That is a fair point, probably because I live in the Big Apple. Yeah. Not some fucking Kevin. Hillbilly.

Kevin Hart gave him $300 not to do my podcast downstairs. And I'm so stupid. Kevin Hartstown was downstairs before. And he gave me, I told him I was doing Bobby's podcast. And he just fished in his pocket. He goes, you need money? And he handed me $300. bucks and I couldn't take the money I should have taken it

and just come up and done the podcast Voss would you have taken it? What? I wouldn't take it a hundred. For the weekend he would have taken that. Yeah, I regret it. I'm an asshole. Yeah, what do you take?

Just whatever. But then Kevin Hart pretty much owns you. That's why I didn't do it because he thinks he can buy me for 300. Like if it had been a thousand, I would have absolutely taken it still done the podcast. I'm sad you're going to miss the orgy, Rich. You would have him 200 to piss on you, so shut the fuck up. Oh, whoa, whoa, easy with the language.

Why are you being so aggressive? Why are you so aggressive? Give me the bell. It's the bell of, uh, it's the bell of, uh, it's the bell of, uh, it's the bell of, cut that out. Give me, give me that. It's not to cut that out, bell. Yeah, we do.

This is, now he's got a fucking prop. You're going to hear this. Now no one's got a prop in post and I'll know when to cut. Norton always looks for a prop. I love the rich isn't here, but he's here. He is here. He's still derailing us. Norton has a new prop.

His name's Anthony. Oh. That's getting cut. It wasn't good. It wasn't good. If it was good, I would have to laugh. What do you think? I don't laugh at good jokes?

Why do you say Anthony is a prop? They did radio together for years. It's literally... And they were great. And let me tell you, those were the two best. They were great. I'm glad they're back together I'm truly, truly glad.

Have you seen the show? Our podcast is fun. Have you seen the show? Have you seen that? Cut that out. I know that. Can you dub in him saying yes? Dub in him saying yes.

They'll come back now. All right, cool. Hey, Rich, real quick, I want to ask, have you ever been with a transsexual woman? No, but if I could find one under six foot two, maybe five, seven, you know. I'm six one. She'll still be five inches taller than you.

Got that out for Rich. No, no, highlight that. Highlight that part. That's a highlight part. That's a very good one. No, I mean, you know, I mean, who's the phone? His phone died. I hope, I hope right now there's a fire in the Lincoln Tunnel.

I hope a moose. He's a part of it. I hope a moose just hit his father. He started thinking about being with a trans woman. He just had to go. take care of himself. Yeah, you know Voss has. Oh, you know, he's been arrived for fucking 70 70 years. Yeah. Yeah, he did it back when

the transition was a little rougher too. Yeah, he'd probably get blown at fucking Stonewall. Yeah, when they were transitioning, they looked like Danny for a long time. Which Danny? That one over there. Oh, yeah, that's not good. He's cute. Danny's cute? Yeah. Oh, my God. Five. Four, four, three.

For you. We're live. And he talks off Mike. He really, he talks like a Muppet. Uh, anyway. I haven't been here in a while. It looks much better. Cigars, uh, was it, uh, not the king, but the queen. He said that the king was out, but the queen was more rare. And then the Rocky used to be my favorite when I would smoke cigars.

I wanted to give you something. You smoke cigars still? I will. Yeah, I will. I just haven't done it. I've been doing cigarettes lately. You smoke cigarettes. Sometimes.

I love cigarettes are coming back. I love it. I can't do the vape shit. You used to smoke parliaments. I did. At the end, I spoke Newport's, I spoke Marlboro lights. I spoke Marlboro. I went to a bunch.

You did Winstons at one point? You did parliaments when I knew. At the end, yeah, yeah. At the end, you turned into a middle-aged white lady from Boston. I did, yeah. You got any parliament, one-hundreds? Got a parliament from Springfield Mass. Presidents Virginia Slims, the little...

You liked the little filter on it. I did, a little hard filter you chew it. But no, I would love to smoke, but I just can't. Dude, smoking for me would be the best thing ever. If I could still smoke, it would probably relieve a lot of the other addictions, like food and stuff like that. I love smoking. and having a pack of cigarettes on you,

just being able to light one up for a couple of... Anytime you feel anxious, anytime you're bored, you just fucking whack out a cigarette. I used to smoke in my apartment. I don't do that, no. I like it because it gets me... You're going to see my smoking advocacy. That has to come out.

What's that? You can't advocate for smoking. I like it because otherwise I won't go out and get fresh air. So I find when I smoke, I actually get more time outdoors. Do you still smoke? Yeah.

Are you Jewish? I'm converting. Why? Why? Because I'm trying to make it... I'm trying to make it in show business. Are you really converting to Judaism? I started in 2024 and...

Your father really hate you. I think he dislikes that more than the transition. But to be honest, it's, you know, collecting identities people hate. That's my hobby. What are you going to be next, Rich Voss? I'm trying to be black, but I haven't figured that one out. Are you really? Why?

Is it something that you believe in? It's something I... Should be a half hour late for every podcast. Yeah, yeah. No, I do believe in it. And it's something that I've really found the very welcoming of trans people and very accepting and so I found a community. The Jews got to be welcoming. I found a community

among them. Really? Okay. A lot of trans. Jews? Not an orthodox, of course, or ultra-orthodox, but like anything that's a reform or conservative, like I'm doing. Is the Christian religion or the cath? Is that the worst one for? I don't know. I'm not.

Islam probably. Islam, for sure. I had a girl asked me, she's like, why not Islam? And I just kind of looked at her. I'm not. I can fly, but not off rooftops. I spent 100 grand on this body. I think I'm going to cover it in drapes? 100 grand? Well, the face was 60.

No shit. Yeah. What they have to do? What do they do? Oh, my God. FFS. Yeah, it was nine. What is it?

For fuck's sake. Yeah. Is that what it was? He's looked into it, he knows. Oh, yeah. For you? You could be kidding. Oh, I'd love it.

If you transition, it would be so happy. Do you know how much I creep my wife out when I get? It's contagious. I would be Jemaiah. I would just act like I was And she put makeup on me She would rose her out so much But I would tell her, we're just too good

Oh God Was she not into girls? No, first of all she's not She's not into men She's also She's not into anybody She also didn't like Jimaya Nobody likes Jemaya

No I would like Jemaya more than I like Jim Jamie well Adam Ray's been doing A girl character Too I forget her name But he's been doing that lately So you dress up in makeup No no no

You ever wear her outfits No No I would just Men's panties? She's not, no, I have before with other women.

She's, she's on it to that at all. Oh, you've done it with other women. Oh, it's like for like, kings and shit, yeah.

Yeah, dirty, yeah. I don't feel like a girl in it. I'm just like, it's just dirty. Did you walk different, though?

Did you kind of like, move your hips? This one girl used to, what about a diaper? You ever done in diapers? No, no, it's just on his chest. You've been shit on?

No, I'm saying I'm not into, I'm not into, I'm not into infant. I'm interviewing them now. I think even as a guy. You come over and tie has in panties? I think it can be fun as like a naughty thing, right?

Like as... It was perverted and this girl would come over and just sit on my face and just jerked me off and she would slap my legs. That was it. But I didn't feel like a girl. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I've been getting into choking lately. That's fun.

Why would she slap your legs? My thighs. But why? Just because I was wearing panties. Oh, she slapped like, would you be on all fours? No, I'd be on my back and she would sit on my face, smacking my thighs. And she would just smack you a little... Yeah, it was hot.

Really? Yeah. Did you say? anything? Google Gaga or something? What did you? What did you do? No, she was sitting in my face. What do you think? I gave a speech. Because I know you're, you gave the speech at the end of Amistad, right into your asshole. Give us free!

No, but I know that you're, you get annoyed quickly. Yes. And somebody's smacking you and doing things. I would imagine you, no, it was fun. It was perverted. You would just, what noise? No, it was eating your ass. I mean, there's no noise. How are you eating her ass? I mean, like this? Yeah.

I would just, I would just, I would just, I would just, I would just piss in my tongue, like, slowly. I think that's more gross than anything we've described. It's just watching his face. But do you think, like, okay, do you think there's a point where, like, sex, right? You know, being an addict, I'm an addict, but is there a point that you can go where you go, you'd start doing things because of the addiction part of it? Yeah, all of it. But is there, but is that, is there a point where you want to bring it back?

Like now that you're married, having to bring all that shit back, realizing, okay, this is bad. I was doing this to hurt myself. I was doing this for the addiction part of it. I can't do this anymore because I love my wife and I want to be with her. And if I do this stuff, it's going to fuck this up. I mean, I just think, like, I know what she's not into him. Most of that weird stuff. Yeah.

And it was like, I don't want someone pretending to be into it. That's gross. That's not turned on for me. Yeah. So we just don't do it. I mean. That's my, like, open relationship has been. amazing.

I couldn't handle that. I'd get jealous and I would use the privilege. Yeah, yeah, I'd come home. I just can't do it. Because my girl, she has a boyfriend she lives with. Right. So it's like when I'm out doing comedy or whatever, I don't feel like responsible for her emotional, like, well-being anymore.

Like, it's nice that I can like focus on what I'm doing it. And I'm with her. I can be with her 100%. But then, like, when I'm away, I can text her now and then or whatever, check in. But it's like, it's not nearly as much like work. Cut to me and you and her hotel. I'm going, Oh.

It's just not as much work. is like being someone's everything. Like that can be a lot. Like I sure you don't know as comics. I like it. I like I like being my wife's. I at the be, it was very hard for me at the beginning because I was such a piece of shit

but all my sex stuff was addiction things. It was I went from drugs, alcohol to sex, food, cigarettes, blah, blah, blah, technology, buying things. I still do the buying thing, you know, addiction, buy stupid shit that I don't need. But like over the years to kind of, um, I look at my wife and I can tear up

because I'm like I fucking really connect with it I guarantee you she feels the same way cut that out cut that out I would argue with good open relationships you can have that connection I don't believe in more than one person

I'm saying you can have it with more than one person I believe open relationships are good for a while yeah but if one person falls in love oh yeah that'll ruin it it is it's done you can have a role when you like somebody a lot but if you fall in love with somebody we're like, I fucking love you.

It's just gonna, it's gonna ruin it. I think the best thing is a relationship that's open on one side and the other person doesn't know that it's open. It's called cheating. It's called cheating. No. Yeah.

Well, I mean, I already had, I already had the love of my life. We're still very close, but I'm not with her romantically anymore. So I think that's why it's so appealing to me is because I've had what you're talking about. Yeah. And I'm like, why would I go out

and try to find that all over again? Don't you miss that, though? I still have it. I just don't have the romance part. But I still have everything else. we had. With her. With my ex-wife.

But does she have somebody? She dates a guy, yeah. Okay. Are they in love? I don't know. So when they, but when they fall in love, when they... If that happens. If they fall in deep love, he's not going to want you...

No, he doesn't mind because we're still close. Sucking up that time. And when they have kids and all that stuff... Oh, she's not going to have kids. She's 40. Go on. By the way, he might not mind. She didn't want to have kids with me.

So it's like, sure I had a kid. I raised her. She's 19 now. She might not mind. Like, my wife and my wife and my... ex-girlfriend or friends and I love it I'm like oh he takes as much of her time as you want

I love it see see I wish my wife had friends she has no friends she refuses to make friends why I don't know she just fucking I know why we have kids she knows that one day's gonna come where she has to go and this is my husband but she has kids right like a lot of mothers take that out too

that's a highlight that's a highlight that's a highlight that's a clip got it a lot of mothers make their you know children and they're everything, which is, I think, very admirable. And so I noticed, like, even my wife, when we were raising our daughter together, it was... It was her daughter? It was her daughter, but she was five when I came into the picture. Now, how does that...

The kid, not the wife. Does the kid know where you're at now? You guys are still friends? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's fine. We're still very close. Like, she lived with us all the way up until she moved out as an adult, my kid. So I call her mind because I was the primary, one of the primary parental figures.

Well, because Matt, my son's growing up with trans people all over. and he's he's he's he's very but he it's weird he's no he's 13 but he's very um he's becoming very uh and i i've never politically i've always said listen man i'm uh your dad i believe in this i believe in all both sides of a lot i believe in a lot of stuff on both sides i'm not right i'm not left and you're too young to actually figure this shit out yet you can you do a lot of research and know really what the deal is especially with all the shit on the internet that you see right but He loves fishing. He's a boy.

He's like a little man. He loves shooting guns. He loves fishing. He loves chicks. He loves fucking chicks. That's all the shit I like. But if my son becomes... I got like a closet full of guns.

Right, but you knew back then. He, I know he's... And he knows about trans. Like we were in Portsmouth this summer. And there was a trans comic that was coming to the show. I knew. I didn't tell him. So all of a sudden this breadhead.

the woman walks up. And as soon as she walks up, she's like, hey, how you doing, Bobby? And the voice, and Max just, I saw his brain shut down. And he goes, Dad, I got to go. And he just went behind the venue. And I hung out a little bit.

And then I went back. And he was just sitting there. And I was like, dude, are you all right? Like, what's up? He goes, dad, you got to let me know, man. He goes, I saw her coming up. I was like, she's a hot chick. And then of a sudden when she talked,

I was like, oh, God, she's trans. I just, I didn't know. You got to let me know. Because that fucking, his brain went nothing. He didn't understand what just happened because he was looking at it like, look at those tips. Of course. And then all of a sudden, he was like, hey, Bobby, how are you?

And he was like, oh, shit. And I was like, it's all right, you're cool. He's like, I don't care about that. I don't care. I didn't know that she was. Who is the comic? I forget. She's pretty funny.

She's a really nice person. Is it, Virginia? I know, New Hampshire. Okay. Yeah. So, I mean, I'm glad that my kids, but he doesn't. That's good because he needs that to develop the social maturity. But he knows...

Now he's gonna know how to react. But he'll go like this, dude, that's gay. I'm like, dude, don't say that. He's like, Dad, I don't mean gay. He walks in the bathroom. You're on fall force. Fucking shoving the plunger in your hole. Oh, God.

He'd be right. Yeah. He'd be right. I mean, I go, ding. Dad, stop pistoning, that. Pistening, is that a thing? Sure, pistoning. Is that what is that?

Do you ever see a piston? I know of Pistening, yeah, in a car. Pistening something into your anus. That's what they call it. Pistening? Pistening. Well, anything you do, yeah. I thought it was called plunging.

Plunging it also is good. Is that what it's called plunging? But I used to like telling people that they're... Churning. Churning? But Pistening is a good word. How many other terms can we come up with? Like if you tell someone that their grandmother is watching BBC porn,

Pistening a cucumber. That's very, that's very, very... Oh, my God. And there's nobody... There's nobody like you, dude. I love it. Just a terrible thing that's in my head now. Some old English lady with a sundress on.

And she's got two fucking, she's holding the end of the corn with those things. You put corn in the cob. Yeah, yeah, the poker's. And she's double fist-pistening it into a fucking box. This one's not getting monetized. Oh, my God. Why not? Do you just beep out the word?

Speaking of box, I came up with a new term because people are like, oh, like, talking about, like, my junk. Instead of saying dick, I was like, oh, I could use T-box. T-box? That's a cool term. Are you going to ever, are you ever going to go full chick? Full chick? Like, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got one of these. I can say, no, no, no. Listen, trans community. Myelage may vary. Listen, first of all, I'm grandfathered to do a lot of these words. Second of all, I have this. Grandmothered. So if I...

Easy. So... No, no, no, I get it. I get what you're saying. Yeah, it's like old school, like transsexual talk. Are you going to go all the way? Nowadays, it's a bottom surgery. Yeah, bottom...

To you, it's called a bummer. To you, it's called a divorce. It's called... Yeah. It's called immediately not making money on OnlyFans, the trans woman, that's for sure. Really? Yeah, like I heard of a girl who was making a shit ton on OnlyFans, and then she finally made up enough money to get the surgery. She got the surgery.

I call it the wallet. Yeah, nice. And then all of a sudden, she's just another dumb bitch on OnlyFans. Yeah. Like, now she's not a niche. A uniform. Yeah. Yeah.

No, but like. No, I thought about it. I'm kind of on the fence. Like, I don't know. Like, I haven't got my ears pierced. yet. Maybe I should do that first. Yeah. See, he'll like it. If I can, if I can handle two little holes, maybe a big hole. I mean,

it's the same thing. You got to put something in there. It closes up. But I don't understand like but then that makes you have a vagina, but the vagina is like... It's usable. It works. For what? For fucking. You have to dilate though. What does that mean? First you do. Yeah, yeah. And then if you have enough

like, if you have like weekly penetrative sex after like the first year, then you don't have to dial. Can I ask a question? So if you, if you got it cut off, right? And you had a It doesn't get cut off, it gets turned inside out. Turned inside it. You got to turn, all right. Yeah. It's all good. I'm helping. I'm here to educate and

entertain. If you, if you get it turned inside out, right? And vaginoplasty. Okay, relax. Yeah. So then it's a certain size, but if it was just my penis that was going in there, it would form to, I got it.

What? What does it say? No, you don't cut it all. It's a fair question. If she does, Can we give her penis to a Patreon member? Nice. But you don't get any material out of the deal. I thought you're holding up the timer. So get this.

The bigger you are, the deeper a vagina you can have. Okay, so let me ask you a question. So if, say me and you're a boyfriend and girlfriend and you get it off. And then you just use my penis. Would it form like a, like a birkenstock? No. So if you don't, if you don't put stuff in there often enough in the first year, it will lose depth. But it's not going to like mold.

It won't mold to my form. Once it's ready for sex, that means it's healed enough to not do what you're talking about. It'll just lose depth. Here's another question. You can get a no-depth surgery where there is no, like, it's like an inch. Right. But it looks better because you have more material for lips. Right.

So you can make it look more legit. It looks better, but it's not as deep. Because you're using that material for that instead of that. For the labia. So now, if you come into a made vagina, do you have to, like, clean up? in mafia terms? They need a clit. If you come into a maid vision.

Yeah. Do you have to clean it out like a cup? Yeah. She's getting bottom surgery. They're opening the books. It's good news. How does the normal vagina clean out? It just drips.

I don't know. Fire hose. You've never had a civil rights footage. Hold on. You've never had a girl tell you, oh, like, you came in me and instead of going to the bathroom, I just dripped all day.

I know what happens. They do jump. It goes in. and they could go make a baby. Yeah, but that's like this, like, microscopic type thing that does the baby make it. I know, look at me. I know nothing about a vagina. You're beautiful, but you're also kind of dumb.

Yeah, I'm 100% dumb. I come and I leave. But no. This is how I know I'm a woman, because, like, I was never that way even as a guy. Really? I was such a good guy. Really? You're still a good.

Well, you know what I mean, though? Like, like, most women are with me. We're like, damn it. A vaginal cleans itself natural by producing mucus. Ugh. And dish. Ugh. I'll never touch a vagina again.

But also they carried away, dead cells, bacteria, menstruation, blood, and semen. So, but how does it clean it? Does it shit? Did it? It just drips out. It leaks out. Oh, God. It leaks out.

It leaks out like any other. Roller coaster or a fucking, I just thought it swallowed it like Seymour. You can clean it. You're going to have lube in there and stuff, too. Right. So you have to clean it out like a glove box. You clean it out like any hole that you fucked. Like an asshole's the same way

You don't just leave everything in there I do get fucked in the ass I leave it all in there I found a watch last week How do you prep for that I mean you know For pegging If you're gonna be pegged

You have to clean your ass I feel like you're the expert Not though I'm really not You've never been pegged I have been but I don't like it Oh my assoles very tender Yeah he does have a tender

It's a beautiful brown button That unlocks a man's prostate Is it brown? I think it's more pink I mean It depends Yeah If it's brown you probably don't want to go in there

It's definitely not gold I've had my, I've had it fingered a little during like blow jobs and stuff. Yeah. I can't take anything. You have to train. It feels good. You have to train for it. You have to train your asshole?

Yeah, you get it. It's the same with the new vagina, the designer vagina. Yeah, come on. Look, I'm kind of type A. Like, when I go for something, I go for it. So I got a train, I got to do this. You're the tip of the spear of ass fucking. Just like with comedy, I'm like, I've got 700 X minutes on stage.

I need to get to this many minutes. Like, really? Yeah, I log everything. 10,000. Are you OCD? I'm like a pilot. I'm like a, pilot like pilots log their flight time it's not about how long you don't stand it but how many

hours on stage do you have so you too you've taken all your military stuff into comedy yeah do you have like like notes that's why i'm so good no i'm kidding right but you but you've done the same thing with yeah the same approach just like infiltrating like do you still have your uniform and all that stuff yeah yeah i've got i'm still technically in are you still now you because i you said that you got kicked out i say that because i've been put on administrative absence pending separation it was supposed to happen and then it got held up in the courts, but I'm not allowed to don my uniform and go serve or fly. That's crazy. So I'm just stuck in limbo until the courts work it through, but I'm essentially kicked out. Do you think it's going to change with trans people in the military? Do you

think it will change? If a Democrat comes in office, yes. Yeah, but it's an executive order, too. It's an executive order right now. So if the executive order gets changed, there's no longer a case going to the Supreme Court because the case is based on Trump's executive order. And they would all, they would back him. It would be a six to three. But you want to start with. the small dildo. Yeah. Slowly work your way larger. But pinkies are good because you can get the postage.

Yeah, but once you go larger, you can never go back. Yeah. Right? Well, in the military, you're so used to being, like, shafted without lube. Like, the government fucks you so hard that you're like, please put a finger in. Why, you, the military is, I mean, I'm personally, I love the military. I do too. I love it enough to serve, did you?

Yeah. He likes all the men. I was in the sea cadets. What? The sea. What is it? I've never heard of that. Sea cadets?

The sea cadets were the, like the Boy Scouts for the Navy. I didn't know they had that. That's awesome. Yeah, I was in there. I didn't know the sea. You were in the sea back there? Yeah. I was in the sea.

I had my crackerjack uniform. I learned the military. I had a little hole in the back of it. Did you get in there? Was this before your little comedy troupe you did with that? No, this is before that. This is when I was a juvenile delinquent at the beginning. They put me in there to kind of see if you were a little sea cadet.

Yeah, I was a little sea cadet. Yeah, I was a little sea cadet. I had my little hat. I didn't really have that program. That's so cool. Yeah. What was your hat? Fucking like Popeye.

Chin strapping it handles on it. He was a seaman. Swabbing the poop deck. Okay. Yeah, I got him to laugh. Just trying to break, Jim. Yeah, I had that. I had the Cracker Jack uniform.

I had my blues. Yeah, there they are right there. I had that uniform too. That's amazing. Yeah. I had a blast in there. It was fucking cool. You're in the Sea Org in Scientology.

You pretty much fought for our country. I mean, I painted a boat for. for the Navy. I painted a great. And because that, we can bomb Iran right now. So that's awesome. I mean, I would have loved to go on in the military, to be honest. If I wasn't so fucked up and going to rehab and all that shit,

I would have definitely went in the military. I would have loved. Heck Seth is in. My son was thinking about it. I was like, 100% I'm like, dude, you want to go on the military? Go, 100%. I think it's great the military. I agree.

In general, I think it could be great. Yeah. But were you an officer? Yeah, I was enlisted first. I became a staff sergeant. And then I became a warrant officer. officer so I could go to flight school. And you had to go to college.

You had to have four years of college for that, right? No, not for a warrant officer, but I did. It doesn't matter. But, like, I didn't need it for... In the Army, they have these things called warrants, which are, like, kind of the bisexuals of the military. They're not fully officer. They're not enlisted.

Right. And they were made specifically to do specialized jobs like train operator, pilot, you know, shop foreman. Right. Specialized technical jobs. Right. Yeah. And an officer gets paid more.

Yeah, I got paid more. Yeah. Because I was a chief warrant officer, too. Right. And you just fart? No. Did you Did you

They always people say There's so many gays in the military. There's so many people in the military Yeah. Was it really like that over in Iraq? Was it? Oh, just even in just normal Like they're not deployed.

There's gay people. There's liberals. There's Republicans. No, no. But like over there You think of soldiers going over there. Yeah. Was there guys like, like dude?

He wants to know if it's like Biloxi Blues where everyone's just fucking blowing each other in the shower. Yeah. I mean. If you're gay, I'm sure you're doing that. There was a lot of people hooking up.

Did you hook up over there? We were co-ed at the time. But did you hook? 2009. But you were actually just, you weren't into doing that stuff then. Not with guys, but they were girls with us. Right. We were co-ed.

You don't like guys, do you? I do. But you like women more. Yeah, I'm like, I lean more towards women, but I've been dating men lately. Is it, do you, is it annoying? It's weird because, like, I know they're, like, I sense their game coming on to me. Yeah. Like, when I was buying.

buying your cigars. The guy hit on me in the cigar shop. He did. Yeah. And then, like, I started texting him and he was like... You got his number? Yeah, because he was cute. Okay. Shout out to Michael, but he's not going to love the next part. So then he starts texting me. I don't think his wife is. Well, his children. Exactly. So then he started texting me and found he had a girlfriend. I was like, I don't want to be involved in that shit. Like, I'm an

open an open relationship, whatever. And then he was just like, well, tell me how big it is. All right, let's cut this part out. Listen, I don't want to fucking ruin my life. Well, it's a fair. It's a... It's fair. I posted on my Instagram. He's just the guy. No, I mean, tell us how big it is. But I'm saying Michael's part, his name. Oh. You want to cut out, Michael?

Well, I already said it on Instagram. But anyway, he turned out to be just another douche man. Oh, he's a douche guy? Well, yeah, because he just started getting overly sexual in text. And then he told me he had a girlfriend who they weren't open. And I was like, well, fuck off. Like, I'm done. Like, I'm not.

And he just wanted to, like, talk sexual. And I was just like, I'm not into this. Right. And is that when you bought the Rocky Patel cigar? Yeah, that's when I got the Rocky Patel decades. Is this the one he told you? He didn't work at the shop. I want to make it clear.

He did not work at the shop. He was just there smoking a cigar. Can I smell it? Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to smoke. I'm not going to. I thought you're talking to her. Yeah.

But no. Some guys can be great. Like, you saw me at the mothership with a guy I was seeing. That was a sweet guy. Very nice guy. A little nerdy dude, too. Shocking. Yeah, yeah.

I met him actually working in tech years ago before I transitioned. Right. And then I... You guys were friends. We were like car buddies. Like, we'd go to car buddies. car meets and race cars together, like, do car shit. Do you still do all this stuff?

Yeah, yeah. I went to Cota, you know, the F1 track in Austin. Yeah. I ran my Audi on it. I've got an Audi RS7. So when you're friends with this guy and then you transition, how does the dating come up? I can't think of one of my friends where if they transitioned. I'd be like, wow.

I can't think of one of my friends. All our friends are old. Did you imagine Colin transitioning with a bad hip? Yeah, I can't like be Arthur. You can't be lazy. You can't be lazy with transition. That's for sure. Keith's going, ah, I'm going to tits on one side.

We just hung out one day and I was just kind of being flirty and he picked up on that and started flirting back and then that's it. We just went on a date. But do they know right away, right? Well, he knew because I told the group I was in as a guy. I was like, hey, everyone. I'm changing my profile picture now. And that's how he knew. But most people know because I'm so public now, like because of the crash rumor and me being like outed online.

Yeah, people don't, I mean, people probably know this because you've talked about it on a bunch of shows, but you were accused of being the helicopter that almost crashed into... They did crash into the airline. It did crash into the airline. And they... Killing everyone on board. Washington, D.C. Somebody accused you of it, said it was you because you're trans. And then the whole world, a lot of people just started attacking you, attacking trans.

Who said it was you? Who was the person? Rich Voss. It was her. It's an active defamation case. federal court. Oh, good. I'm not going to talk about that person, but I will talk about generally.

It was a lot of people were circulating this rumor, including people like Ann Bandersteel and right-wing folks. And then I posted a video saying it wasn't me. Like, I'm still alive. And that's when I started getting all the hate because then they found out there is a trans person who was serving in the military. That was the same week I found out that I was going to be discharged. Like, that's the same week that the executive order came out.

So I literally found out I'm losing my dream. dream career. And then a couple days later, I found it I died. And then I was being blamed as a trans terrorist. And then the next day I went on CNN to tell people it wasn't me. Right. Like it was a fucking wake up. Meanwhile, I'm still like breaking up with my wife romantically, trying to figure out what I'm going to do in this whole new world of like being, I just transitioned like recently. Yeah. And just had face surgery. And I was just like, holy fuck. And as a soldier, I'm like, what do I do? I go out and tell my story and I run towards the front. I want to fight back. So defamation suit so fucking cool stand-up comedy i love to go on the daily show i got to hang out with

jordan clepper that was amazing i love this she's just like she's just like i run to the front you still have soldier mentality which is awesome yeah if they were like today we went to war and they were like you're in would you go go in and jump in a fucking helicopter and kill motherfuckers fuck yeah really yeah you don't lead him as much that's right metal jacket yeah that's right yeah you just don't lead him as much how do you kill one Women and children. Well, the most progressive thing you can do is abort children after they're born, right? What?

What? The most progressive thing you can do is abort children after they're born, right? Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty progressive, right? Post-birth abortion? When they give you a thumbs up. You might want to change that attitude. You might want to turn that thumb.

Did you imagine if you get the first seven to ten years of a kid, you could like just do, take these back seats and be like, no, I'm sorry. You gotta go. We tried. Yeah. Speaking of, didn't that girl like strangle all her children? Lindsay Clancy. She strangled them. That's wild.

There's another lady that stabbed her kids. That reminds me the thing I was trying to tell you about. This new thing I'm doing and you're not asking. Hang on a second. Hang on a second. Before we go into this. I want to stop. I got it.

Stop. Stop. Before we go into this. You know, Jim, you're a fan of comedy. I'm a fan of comedy. I'm a fan of all of you. You guys are like, I'm walking heroes. You're probably a fan of some of the character work that Jim has done.

Of course. Do you know some of them? Yes. What's your favorite? God. I forget. No, no, I know there's one that Nikki hates. All of them.

She hates, hates Chip. That was the one. Sorry. She hates Edgar. She hates Romish. The one I know the most. I'm a little later generation than a lot of the open Anthony works. We all hate his character.

This is not a character though. I like Chip. This is just a new cool thing I'm doing. Is this related to the thing Dave's doing? I don't. I... With the puppet or whatever? No, no, no, no.

I wish it was. This is a cool thing. You should do this. I put my stuff on PunchUp. I put my stuff on PunchUp. Wow. Congratulations. You should do it, man.

I fucking told you to do it. I emailed them. I've been telling you all the time. No, you upload your stuff. You get email addresses. I fucking know. I told you. You told you. I told you I fucking did. I'm the one who told you to do it.

No, Danny did. No, Danny, fucking I did. This is what he does to me. How do you get on? Because I emailed him and... I'll walk you through it. You just... I got one video of. You remember it? Because it's a longer version of my Lindsay Clancy. I did a Lindsay Clancy bit. And Instagram... I wish she was your mother. You and me both, Bob.

But I put a longer version. I had to take one of the lines. That was too brutal. It's on punchup. What was the brutal line? Can I hear it? Is it on punchup? So this isn't a character, though. No, no, it's just me doing it.

I'm putting longer form stand-up up. But no, don't watch the people. No, punch-up is great because you can put clips that is... You put clips up there. They don't censor them.

You get your email addresses for your gigs. But do the videos get paid ads or anything? Can you get it like... You can actually... Go ahead. It's like a great commercial for punching. I have a good... I have a good profile.

Revenue sharing? You can, if you wanted to put a special up there or stuff to charge for you. You could charge if you wanted to. But someone has to pay to see it. It's not like they watch it. No, it's free. You just put in your email. You just put in your email address.

And then they can email you specifically to your town. So when you're near them, they, the people that Austin will know because you come in the town. It's like, yeah. It's like bands in town, but for kind of, yeah. It simplifies. They used to be in a band. Yeah.

You were in a band to? What was the name of the band? Romanticide. It's on iTunes. Were you a singer or what? I did drums, bass, guitar. I did whatever someone didn't show up to do. You were like what every guy wants to be.

I know. I was everything. You were like the perfect. I was. Fucking man. Six one in the military. Playing the drums. White.

Flight. Polish wife. Yeah. Pilot. Smoking hot. Huge pecker. I know. I mean, perfect.

I know. Now, what was what kind of music? And now you're going to be... It's almost like this wasn't a choice because I had such a good life, six-figure job, everything, and then now. Yeah. Not the transition lost my private job, but... But you did pick a good time to transition. I mean, it's more acceptable than it's ever been, right?

Yeah, I mean... It's getting more... It's getting more... It's getting more... More backlash, though. You get backlash, but if it was 20 years ago? No, I agree. Medically, amazing time to do it.

Definitely more accepting now. Yeah. In general. In general. And the places you want to be. But the fact that we're currently the scapegoat in politics is the annoying part. Right. Because 20 years ago, no one gave a shit about trans people as far as politics go.

Yeah. Yeah, but it's got to, it always goes, it goes this way too far and then comes back too far. Like a pendulum. Yeah, it's fine. It's a spot in men. I mean, you know, trans women in women's sports. That's a big thing. A lot of people are like, hey, man.

I know. They wrote a whole article about how I was throwing everyone under the bus. Oh, really? Yeah. Why, what would you say? Well, I said that they generally have an advantage if they've gone through male puberty. And then I got a lot of heat a couple weeks ago for that. And the advocate wrote like a whole article about all these people coming out against me and how I'm just so terrible for the trans community.

But you're not. You're actually great. You're actually, you're, so many people are hanging out with you and knowing you and having you on podcast. And you're promoting trans and people watching. I mean, my biggest beef is the trans military. That's not your biggest beef. Well, I mean, nice. I'm saying, like, I don't really go out and talk about trans women in sports other than my personal opinion,

because that's not, like, what I'm after. I did all this, became so public, done all these speaking events, documentary, everything, because of trans military. That's, like, my, like, meat and taters, so to speak. What kind of music did your band play? Symphonic Rock. So it was, like, a mix of, like, uh... Was it like Devo? No, it was like Evan Essence.

It was, like, kind of like Evan essence. We had a female singer. I don't know that it is. Evaness. That's, um, the song. Wake me up. Wake me up. Before you go, go.

Did you switch that up? Well, no, there's a guy and a girl. Oh, yeah, you make both. I can't wake up. I am both. You should be the lead singer and do both. I do like the split thing where I turn. I turn, it's a guy.

Yeah, like Victor Victor, Victor. Was it a crisscross? That's the new Chris Cross. That'd be a great band. If you would just cross a trance. We would do covers a system of a down. We would do. like Alice and Chains.

We would do a mix of like European metal like Nightwish, just like Epica, Sonata Ardica. But now that you're where you're at now and you're doing comedy and you're a woman, do you,

are you falling out of all that macho stuff? I still love all that stuff. You still love all that stuff. Yeah, but have you found stuff of feminine stuff that you like? Yeah, like getting my nails done is fun.

Yeah, that's it. That's all the, well, there's, like I love dressing up and going out and like, you know, getting and drinking. You don't like yapping and ruining stories? Yeah, you don't like talking

in the last five seconds. of the godfather. Yeah, you don't like being a fucking annoying. That's why... Your husband's working. You don't like going and going, can you take out the garbage? I'm wearing a robe. You don't like being indecisive? What do you want to eat? I don't know. Put pants on, bitch. Take the garbage out. No, I'm the best of both worlds, really. Because I was raised in condition to be a gentleman.

Yeah. A good Christian man. Yeah. And then I transitioned. And now it's like, I still have all those, like, even when I go on dates with my girl, like, I'll open the door for her. Right. Because I'm still 6'1. I'm still. big. Like, I still kind of take on that more masculine role, but I like to, when I date men, I like to play more of the feminine role because it's more appropriate, I think. So when you're with a guy, you want to be the woman. I want to be taken out and treated as such. I'll still, like, let me drive and, like, fucking, like, do a burnout and shit. But, like, but you know what I mean?

But that's like every guy's dream. Like, Fast and Furious girls are like every guy's dream, right? You get into trouble in the streets and she goes, I got it. Yeah, like, I'll change the tire, get back in the car. But I raised my daughter kind of the same way as far as like, I taught her how to like change the oil in the car. Right. And do that kind of shit. And now she's like the cool girl at the car meets with her guy friends

because she knows how to do all that shit. So I don't think that's, I know it's traditionally masculine and feminine, but I think it's just you like what you like. I loved playing music. I love gaming. I love doing all that stuff. I used to stream like video games online and shit.

And I still like to do all those things. But now I can just be myself when I do it. Yeah. There you go. I think there's like some things. Like maybe I don't do so much that I was only doing because I was a guy, but it's very small things, you know. I guess I still skateboard. You've done more.

You've done more manly shit than Jim's ever done in his life. That's not true. What have you done manly? I paint. Paint what? Paint flowers. What? I do.

I paint flowers. What does that mean? My toenails. You don't do anything manly. That's not true. You've just recently started doing manly. shit. He's not true. I throw elbows. He's married to a woman. That's...

Yeah. Dude, you... I pay the bills. Yeah. I'll say... My dog. Yeah. That's not... Your dog is not manly. Sure it is. He pays for everything. You have a teacup little tiny dog. I listen to Sabbath. Hell yeah. Rock out in the house. That's pretty manly. Yeah. I like that. What else? I think my shits are great and farts are hilarious.

That's fucking real. We used to play war pigs a lot. Yeah. You think your shits are great and your farts hilarious? I was never into that as a guy. See, no. There's some things I just wasn't into that I would try to like blend in. Yeah, see, that's my, those are manly things. I guess you're right.

But there's some chicks that are totally into that. Like, what, farts and shits? There are some chicks. No one like shit jokes, no, farts. You know what I mean, though? Like, there's some of those, like, dirty birds that are girls that are like, oh, yeah, and they're like very masculine, but they're not, you know, men. If my dog's in bed and I fart, he runs over and tries to smell my asshole directly.

It's really creepy. I was in bed one night in Kelby's ass, but she was lying on the pillow. He was lying on the pillow. And I saw his asshole open up. And I went, it's...

My dog is small part of the time. It sucked. I just saw his asshole. Because, you know, he has that little tail, so there's no cover in the asshole. It just... His little dog asshole opened up like this.

And it went... That's right. All right. Speaking of assholes. Speaking of assholes opening. Yeah, we're wrapping. It's up. Who are you?

You're not talking to anybody. I can see the screen screen. You know, you know how glad I am that you didn't. Look at his dog. That's such the other. I love his dog. You know,

glad I'm, it wasn't a new character. I thought you were busting out a new character. No, I wanted to tell you about Punch Up. You got to put your stuff up there and get,

you get email addresses, help you promote gigs, and you can put all-form stuff up there. You get the analytics. Yeah. You get where people are from, who they are. Yeah, yeah.

You get all that stuff. Instead of giving that to Instagram. For free. And you can put all your stuff uncensored up. Yeah, yeah, no censor. It's the best way. It's a cool picture. Look at that.

Where? Jim Norton on Punchup. What is the picture? It's my profile picture. Let me see the profile picture. Yeah. Please, I know it's stupid. You've never taken a cool picture in your life.

That's not true. Oh, God. Oh, hell yeah. I love it. You don't like it? What's wrong with this? I don't know. I haven't got any claps.

Piece of shit, punchup fans. What's a clap? I don't know. You know what a clap is. It's perfect you would say that, though. Shut up. I guess they give you claps for your videos. Make sure go to Jim Norton, punchup.com.

Live slash Jim Norton. And also the Anthony and Jim show on YouTube and Patreon. We had an episode come out today with Florentine, a very funny episode on YouTube, on Anthony and Jim show on YouTube. And the Patreon has been doing really well. We did it extra shows. It's great. I ever going to do a reunion with Opie? No.

I just haven't even thought about it. I'm just having fun doing what we're doing. I love it, by the way. It's great. Everyone should watch it. Thank you. It would be fun if you just had him on one day, like via Zoom. You should do it on OnlyFans, though, not on Patreon.

I talk to OnlyFans because they don't think like that. I don't know what their model is to pay you. And they wouldn't do any kind of like money or salaries. So I'm like... No, it's like they do a 20% cut, I think. They take 20% off the top. Nah, but I wasn't going to join OnlyFair. It would have to be OFTV their main pay.

You know... Right. Because I think Whitney Cummings did a special on there, right? Yeah, I did. I did. I did. I did. Punch up actually is the, they take the least. When you promote something, they take the least amount of money. Punch up.

Everyone should get on there. Yeah, punch up. All kinds of analytics and stuff. Shut up. I fucking told you that. And you blew me off for years. No, didn't I talk to Danny? I want to fucking told you to do that.

La Jolla? Jim Norton. You're going to be in La Jolla. Go to the top here. We go to the top. We got the 11th and 12th. We have a comedy connection up here in Rhode Island. One of the best clubs in the country. Burlington, Vermont. And we're going to do higher ground in Burlington, Vermont. High ground, I did that. It's awesome. Oh, is it good? Yeah, really great. Great room up there. And then the comedy fort. You're going to be in the comedy fort. Where's that?

It's in Fort Collins, Colorado. That's great. Well, make sure go to punchup.com. Live slash Jim Norton. Check them out. And, of course, that's not you. That's Jay McBride. That's the... Oh, come on. Are you serious? Are you serious? How embarrassed. You just grab a random transfer?

How embarrassing. I mean, Jay's great. I've never met her, but she's awesome. Jay's hilarious. Yeah, I would love Jay. But you guys are assholes. Yeah. That's like having Mike Yard up here and going to John Laster's profile.

You guys are great. As I said, I was just at Denver. That was fun featuring for Jason. I'll be opening for Christina P at Cap City. And then also going to be at Mike. drop in Chandler, Arizona with the I'm not gay tour. And then I host a late night TV show every month at the Creek in the Cave, September 19th, October 17th.

And then we have Sacramento as well with Jason Ellis. And then Mike drop in Detroit. And, yeah. All right, well, there you go. Punchup. Live slash Robert Kelly, one of the OGs over at Punch Up. Saratoga Springs. I'm doing the Comedy Festival at September 11th and 12th.

It's going to be a bunch of comics. up there. I think it's the first year of their festival. So if you're up there in that area, make sure you get your tickets. Come on down and support the festival. And then I'm in Brooklyn at the improv for one night, the brand new Brooklyn Improv, September 26th, and then I'm going to Port Charlotte,

October 2nd and 3rd to Vassanis. I'm excited to go down there. And then I'm going back to Boston. October 16th and 17th at Laugh, Boston. Go to punchup.com. Live slash Robert Kelly. For all my dates, my specials up there, live from the Village Underground for free. You can watch it up there.

And I got a bunch of other clips we put up there for only people on Punch Up. Exclusive clips, very good for Punch Up. They like that. It gets people to your page. How about some more claps? I told you that. Not from you, assholes. No, I mean, on the page.

Claps. Can't believe no one laughed at my Rocky Patel joke. I love that one so much. Try it again. Yeah, I missed it. Say the name of the... This is Rocky Patel. Oh.

We'll see you guys next week on... Not about Indian Boxer? Sorry, do it again. Yeah, one more time. This is Rocky Patel. That's a funny name for a cigar. What's it about? An Indian Boxer?

We're going to Patreon right now to answer all your questions from the fans. So if you want to ask questions to the people on my show, all you have to do is go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. You can go over there and we ask your questions. And you get the show live. You get to watch it live. I hate all my friends.

I love this. I hate them all. I was thinking about all my friends. One has two strokes. The other one has getting hip surgery. Voss is setting. Who's getting hip surgery? Quinn.

Is he? Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Yeah. Anyways. Oh, he wants to be hip. Yeah, he's trying to be. Not his body.

He's getting a suit made and a hat and a cane. Anyways. Go to patreon. com. Yeah, Patreon is paid content. Patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. You get a free show every week with me and Joe Russell. And, of course, you get this live.

We'll see you over there. And we'll see you next time on. You know what, dude?