Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - YKWD #658 | Aaron Berg & Andre Kim

Episode Date: September 27, 2026

This week on YKWD Aaron Berg, Andre Kim, and Bobby discover profesional Cuddle therapists, and Andre tells the story of how he got sexually assaulted at the gym.Get the EXTRA YKWD, Watch LIVE and UNEDITED AT https://www.patreon.com/robertkelly LIVE FROM THE SHED AND MORE ON PATREON DUDE!!! https://twitter.com/robertkelly https://twitter.com/YKWDpodcast http://instagram.com/ykwdudepodcast https://www.facebook.com/YkwdPodcast/Download Cash App today: https://click.cash.app/ui6m/y0k6ofda #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Visa Debit Flex Cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC, and The Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card, Sutton debit flex card, and Bancorp debit flex card. Cash App Green features, Savings, Direct Deposit, Round Ups, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit https://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yeah, baby. We're starting the podcast right now. We're back. You know what dude live. Welcome everybody to the show. YKWD. I started a social media podcast. The fact.

The YKWD podcast. YKWD is back again. Old school, back in the day. Where it all started before fun and crazy. This isn't NPR. That's the original. What's up, everybody? We're back at the comedy seller, the YKWD.

You know what? dude podcast at the comedy seller studios. We have a great show for you tonight. But before we get into that, if you're watching this on YouTube, subscribe and like and comment, do all that shit. You can watch it and not do that. But you're a loser and you'll have 10 years of bad luck right now. Ayah, buba.

Now that's what I just did you. So hit subscribe and then you'll be free of that. Fucking hex I just put on you. If not, you want to support the show. Go to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. you can be in the chat, watch it live, get an extra show a week, and you can ask questions to my guess. Right here, we'll ask them right on the show if you really want to get it to it.

If not, then don't do that. And I don't care, but I do care. So, Danny, who do we got? We have straight off of his new gas digital half hour, 30 minutes with Aaron Berg. Aaron Berg is in the house. Hell yeah. What's up, dude? What's up, dude?

I felt bad. He applauded, and I was like, I don't want to do that. You've done so many specials. And then from Netflix, we have Andre Kim in the hell. Oh, yeah. What's up? Yeah, dude. Thanks for having me.

For you, man. Netflix. I mean, Netflix is an applause. Yeah, dude. Fucking young buck coming up. He is a young buck. Yeah. It's so funny because I've never met you.

Yeah. Right? We met once. Where? We have a mutual, this was like years ago. We have a mutual friend and you confront on him about this video he made because he was in front of like this babysitter that was pushing these white kids and she was black. And he was making a video of like, you see this?

See this black woman pushing these white kids? That's what fucked up about society. And you like, I was with him and you were like calling him out on it. Oh, I did? Yeah, yeah. What was I saying? His name. You were like, that was fucked up.

Do you know how hard it is to push a baby through the streets of Manhattan? Yeah, I was fucking, let me tell you something. Having a baby in Manhattan is the worst thing in the fucking world. And some fucking cunt making content, I would have fucking, I would have killed them. You know, it's worse, losing a baby in Manhattan. You know, it's worse than having a baby. You know, it's worse trying to buy a baby in Manhattan. Manhattan. I would imagine it's easy if you go to East New York.

Not as easy as you think. Not as easy as you think. That's funny. I'm glad. That makes me feel good. I thought I did something bad. Good for you. No, no. You're usually on the right side of history. Once in a while. Once and a while. I've fucked up a few times. My my fucking justice button fucks up sometimes. Really? Yeah. You stay. You keep your mouth quiet most of the time. You haven't waited on the big conspiracies. You haven't waited on the keratop thing. You haven't waited on the keratop thing. you haven't, you know, so you keep your distance. I've waited, we talked about it last night.

I talked about it on bonfire today. Oh. Yeah, I feel bad that he, it's like, dude, it's 2026. Being gay is a great, just be gay. Yeah. You're going to get more people at your show. Easier said than done. It's going to be a bunch of people that look like you.

Yeah. Those are ugly people. You think Caratop's ugly? Come on, dude. That's too much. That's too much. You don't like, you know, like his body? It's too much.

He's got a good body. It's too much. You must appreciate his fucking. I appreciate the work he puts in. I'm just saying the look overall is too much. You don't put plastic in the face. Yeah, it's a little more. And just be gay.

And it's like 7.5 mil. It's a drop in the bucket for you. The eyeliner's too much. The hair's too much. And then you say be gay. Is he be gay or not gay? So I think he's trying to be gay. And you're like, you got two fucking things you tell him to do.

And I'm going to say this, dude. Yeah. You pay someone 7.5 mil to keep their mouth shut. Keep your fucking mouth shut. I'm sick of these people taking hush money. and then talking after. How much hush money have you paid? Dude, think about Stormy Daniels

took hush money. I wouldn't pay nothing. How many guys have you sucked off and had to pay them? One, and he's dead, and it's fine, and I had nothing to do with it. I don't know, but I didn't suck him off. I put it in my mouth.

Have you really? Yeah, dude, it was like that. I've talked about it so much when I was blowing you. You've blown a dude too, right? Yeah, we've all blown. For a steak or something? You haven't blown a guy?

No, he got, he got rope by it. I didn't bring that up. Hang it one second. Netflix special. Give them the plugs. No, not enough. I was just on funny a. F for like 10 seconds.

Do you, can you bring up their plugs right now? What's your website? Punchup. com. Go to punchup. dot live slash Andre Kim to see all his dates.

Make sure you check out his stuff. He's got a special on, was it? It's not as well. I was just on funny a half for like 10 seconds. It was on funny a half. Okay.

10 seconds. Well, there you go. Well, make sure you check him, but he's got the mill in Westport, New York. Yeah, I got some other stuff. Comedy Store, November 6, L.A., Plano, Texas, October 16, 17. Make sure you check him out. And, of course, you know. New special is fire.

30 minutes. He's got a brand new special on Gas Digital. Yeah, it's fire, dude. Yeah, thank you. And you can see that at gasdigital.com. Gas Digital. And you can go to his website, Aaronberg.com to find all his dates. Not a lot of road dates, man.

I don't go on the road a lot. Yeah, you got a kid. Yeah. Once a month, twice a month. The special looks really good. Thank you, man. I'm very proud of it. It's very funny.

Did you see it? I did see it. You gave me a shout out. I appreciate that. I gave me a shot out. I saw it. And it was great. And I actually took the guy,

because I have my special coming out, Robert Kelly. Go to punchup.com. Live slash Robert Kelly for all my dates. I'm in Brooklyn this Saturday. Port Charlotte in a couple weeks. I'm in Boston in a couple weeks. But most of all,

I'm shooting my special. December 12th. I'll be shooting my special in Rhode Island at the Uptown Comedy Uptown Theater. And you can go to PunchUp.com Live to get those tickets. Use code dude. And I think

something off. I don't know what it is. But I book the date. I booked the theater before I had anybody to film it or produce. I didn't have anybody. I was just like Corey was like, do you want this date? I was like, I'll take it. And I was like, he's

like, who's going to film it? I go, I don't know. I have nobody. So I had to get all the people like that week. Yeah. But it all fell into place and I wound up getting the dude to show you, Gas Digital. Jay. Fucking great, man. He's the best. And guess what? He's the one who shot, he was my DP on Torgasm. Double penetration. Oh, wow. Yeah, double penetration, man. You were in him on Dane? Well, no, it was me and him on Jay Davis. Dane and Jay did. Yeah, I wasn't. Yeah, he takes it. He takes it. He doesn't complain. Oh, no, he doesn't complain. Enzy likes it. happy at the end makes you a sandwich

you want to go eat yeah want to go eat spots yeah go do a spot in my thing yeah no but he was the the guy who filmed orgasm I spent a month with this guy and I didn't even fucking and then he's great you're gonna have a great special he's the best his personality is great for me

because he's very low key and calm I don't want some fucking angry guy like you just go up murder that's it he'll catch everything yeah well I gotta sell tickets for us you know what I did that I did I fucking tickets. Can you fill the mezzanine? All right?

Can you stop waiting? All right? Get the mezzanine. I don't want an empty... I saw specials. They were filmed with specials like the gas digital things like before. They rented theaters.

And then, I'm not going to mention who, but you're looking at the thing and the first shot is an empty mezzanine. No way. Say some names. We'll bleep it out. I like to bleep it out. For the Patreon.

What are you my co-host? We'll bleep it out. You know how we bleep things out? You think these guys are able to bleep it out? You know, we got a problem here. Yeah, what's that? I'm modeling myself after you a little too much. What are you talking about?

All right, so I had my 10-year anniversary. Happy anniversary. So I did that. I didn't know who had that. Oh, shit, the tattoo. I got Don's name. Yeah, you got shredded like me. You got Don's name?

That would have been hilarious. And then... Rolex? You got a roly. Yeah. What kind of roly? It's a... Submariner.

It's the entry level. One above the entry level. It's so funny. One above the entry. Watch people are so funny. It's entry. Listen, the thing is... One above the end.

It's the most, you know, it's the one most guys got. I mean, the sky dwell is, you know, most complicated Rolex on the fucking planet. Yeah, it's very complicated. But, yeah, look at all the shit going. It's crazy. But listen, the thing is... How much is that? A lot. Retail?

Yeah. I think it's 17. Now. Holy shit. When I bought it, it was... That's retail. Retail. But now you pay what in the store?

I don't want to get into that. Yeah. You're looking at 30. 35. Get out of here. You could really sell ever double? Beat the fuck out of them and take it. Beat the fuck out of him and take it.

Go sell it down on Canal Street. Watch how much. Why is he got to go down there? Just go home. They'll take it to Canal Street when they go to work. Do people ever recognize it? Like when you're at the bar or some people? Skydwell or people.

People that know watches know it. Yeah, a little bit. But that, I mean, I love that watch, really. That, I wish I got that watch because that is... Didn't you have one of these before in a trade-up? No, I actually got the day just. Yeah. Ooh, that's a good one.

Yeah, this is a good entry level. Well, it's so funny. Now guys are getting into watches again, and now everybody makes fun. Anytime there's a trashing a guy comic, there's always just some big watch on his wrist. You know what I mean? It's like, fuck me, dude. I just like watches. Some big Invicta gold thing.

Yeah. That was me. I've wore Invicta's for like three years. I know you did. So heavy. I want to tell you something about watches. They don't understand that like Cassio and Seiko. Seiko's a better watch than they have better timing.

It's an insane. They're Japanese. They don't fuck. around. It's just not the Rolex thing. It's just all brain shit. You get a Seiko. It's this shit. He's got a Cartier on fucking beautiful watch

for a woman. If you get... I know. Everyone always said it's a girl watch. It is. It's 100% a girl watch. It is not. In the 80s, it was like a cool thing. Yeah, in the 80s when... Seinfeld wore it on a show. Yeah, but Seinfeld weighs a buck 10. Men wear... Rolexes, women, thin women, men...

It's a beautiful watch. I love it. What was this thing you're on? What was this thing you're on? What was it? Funny A.F. What is that? It was like the competition thing on Funny A.F. For Kevin Hart? Yeah.

And you won? No. I was in a... He was on for 10 seconds and he won. All right, we'll see you in the finals, buddy. I know. I feel like I'm talking to my mom right now. You won?

No. I'm sorry. I don't even know what you are, by the way. Are you Spanish? Are you Asian? Nigerian. Nai-W. Why you, why you, why you, why you, why you, why you, why you, why you know, no win?

Oh, come for us, no good. He looked good on it. Yeah, for 10 seconds. I watched the first couple. My friend Tata was on it. She had a good look on it. Yeah. And then you stop watching after you see everybody that you already know.

Dude, those shows are great for young comics. They really do a lot. And people shit on them, but they do a lot for comedy because you get in stand-up out there. But to be on it, it's just fucking so. Brutal. Yeah. 8 a.m. call time. Yeah.

And we didn't film until 8 p.m. Come on. I swear to God, here at the village. You're sitting around 12 hours Not for 12 hours Why would they call you at 8? I don't know Because he's fucking garbage in the business

But you don't say that's too early No you can't say anything They just hurt you like cattle They're the low Yeah I say that's too early That's why you're at in your career Yeah

That's why you're with gas digital Not Netflix All right He's gonna be with Netflix No but that's gas digital specials Are I'm kidding I can we not do that Can we not

But you weren't kidding No you weren't I was I fucking love here My friends It's my friend. It was a little bit of truth in there. Give me a little... Yeah, well, you disrespect of a little...

That's why you make a racist joke and nobody laughs. It's just you being racist. Yeah. I just did it right before I got here. I got them right, you did a piece of shit. That's right. No, but you did gas digital. They really got it together.

Yeah. Those are the best ones, yeah. They look great, dude. Well, the people that got were fucking solid. Yeah. Why didn't you do it? I'm doing an hour special, like a man. Yeah.

Yeah, Dave Landau's a killer I saw some of His is good too, yeah He looked really funny Dave Landau was fucking hilarious He's amazing He's funny He met him when he was a drunk piece of shit

Wow must have been so far Where was he? Columbus Ohio Oh wow He had a thing on his car That he had a blow in every 20 minutes Or it would just shut down Yeah

And now he's sober So many years Yeah But he was just garbage I remember he was open for me And he came in all fucked up And I was like dude You're gonna have to stop drinking

because this is bad. Yeah. I know. And the next time I was there, he had it blowing his car. There you go. Now he's sober and he's got his shit together. Yeah, he's got a shit.

And you start drinking again, like wine and shit, I saw? Here's what I did. I just fucking ratting him out in front of me. He said it on a fucking podcast. I told my wife, if I won the universe, I'm going to have a glass of wine. So we got a $400 bottle of Opus wine. That's very alcohol.

What was it like that first sip? That first sip, you were like, it didn't hit me the same way it used to hit me. I was like, oh, this tastes good, and that's it. Wait a minute. So you won Mr. Universe. No, I won the universe. The universe.

Oh, it's a new one. Okay, I'm sorry. No, it's the universe. You're Mr. Universe if you win the natural, but it's team universe. So I won my weight class. So you won the universe. Yeah.

And in your age class or your weight class? Age class. What's the age class? 50 plus. 50 plus. Yeah. You're 50 plus. Yeah.

How are you? Fifty four. Holy shit. Dude, these guys look insane, Bobby. The old guys are insane. You know why? More time, more money for gear, more money for growth hormone. Well, like, outfits?

What is gear? Steroids. Oh, okay. I was like, they can buy better outfits? Yeah. The old guys are insane now. Like, there's a fine, it goes up. The guy's 60 plus are still good.

Once you hit the 70 plus, you're like, oh, that guy's in shape. Good for him. But here's the thing with this gear, all this stuff you're into. Yeah. I know you take on it already. I know what you're going to say. But isn't it taxing to have to take all this stuff, know all the stuff you're taking, when you're taking it,

go to the doctors, get your blood work done, do all the stuff you have to do to take that stuff? And if you stop taking it, is it just going to fall off? Are you going to become... Yeah, I mean, you lose your gains. That's what steroids do. They work while you're on them. So are you, is it, because I know coming up it was terrible.

Like people were dying and they put all, is it safe now? I wouldn't say it's safe. It's going to take a few years off your life. Really? Your quality of life is so much better. So you're going to take a couple years off to have quality now instead of quantity. Yeah. That's what you want.

Oh, wow. That's got dark. Yeah, it's weird, right? It's not. I feel amazing. I'm happier than I've ever been. How many years do you think you've taken off? Seven.

No. Couple months. A couple months, a few weeks. It's going to be funny if he dies right now. The stuff that kills people. You take that watch, you take that gay watch right off and you put that on. Mostly diuretics are what kill people. What is that?

What is that? What is that? Your body? No, that's a GLP one. That's what I'm talking about. You have to know all this shit. Yeah, you got to know the shit. And I barely know anything.

There's so many guys that are so smart about this shit. But yeah, I just throw shit in my body. Very minimal doses, but it reacts well to my body. And it makes me feel great. And it's all needles, right? Yeah. You take pills. Pre-contest, you take pills.

Pills are much more dangerous. They go through your liver, so you want to limit them. Really? Shit. Because I just started taking under the tongue... Com. 157. Oh.

I never... First of all, I'm offended. I never put the cum under my tongue. It's on my face, and then I swallow it. Okay. How dare you? Under the tongue, BPC? Do you think I'm that type of guy that I'd put it under my tongue?

I know you wouldn't. Yeah, I'm not a piece of shit. You ever go to a massage parlor? and she sucks your dick and then the cum goes in her mouth and you don't know if she swallowed it or ran to the bathroom. I know.

No, me neither. To see him just go, oh my God, I don't know how to answer this. I was like, wait, what? You guys are doing that? No, we're not. He is.

Oh, he is, yeah. My buddy said, he goes to massage places. There's some that are very not legit. I don't know if you know about this. And you can tell, by the way, that they're dressed. So I go to a legit place

where it's a really big, broad Asian chick, She calls herself Hannah the shoulder doctor. And she's so stressed. She goes, oh, you're so tight. Oh, Hannah's shoulder doctor fix you. Then there's other places you go in. They have like a mini skirt on and no shoes. Yeah.

And they just do this to your back with their fingers. And they're just trying to suck my dick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. I like that. You know what I used to do? I used to make the real ones turn bad. How? I'd go two hours just legs. No, you wouldn't.

So you'd pay one. 120 up front? Was it 60 bucks an hour? Two hours just legs and then around an hour and ten and they'd be like, I just took you off. You gotta go, I'm too tired. That's a good trip.

Wear them out. I just wear them up. Was this when you were big too? Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, dude. Bobby used to be big. She's jerking you that fucking barely standing massage tables just creaking underneath you.

Well, I never did it when I was my biggest because I was married. Yeah. Time crunch. I'm a professional. Yeah, I couldn't imagine getting on that table. It was a fan. I couldn't imagine because they wash you at the bad ones. Yeah.

Like if I was 360, we'd just like fucking cleaning cattle. You know what I mean? Just hose you down. Yeah. You go out back. Ah, yeah. He too big. He too big.

They hose me in the parking lot. Yeah. Like pulp fiction out in the yard. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking terrible. I was just watching Louis special where he had the thing about the 600-pound chick who had to get an MRI. Yeah. Oh, at the zoo.

Yeah. That's one of the funniest bits ever, dude. Yeah. Those massage parlor places. They're few and far between now. Yeah. They crack down on those. Did they?

Yeah. Well, they come in, like, raid the joint, like the FBI. They kick the door out. That's my biggest fear is if you're in there getting a legit massage and they come in and bust you. Then you've got to. call your wife, dude. Fucking hi, Christine. Like you're robbing craft?

Oh, shit. I swear I was just getting a massage. Ask her. No English. Well, I was talking to my cop friend, because I remember that cigar republic up there, Elmseford. Oh, yeah.

And Rob the cop, who was, he would always be, he would come in and tell the guys, hey, you guys, don't go downstairs, not for a couple weeks. Oh, really? Yeah, because the FBI monitors, all those. The FBI, I don't.

Why, because the human trafficking? It's a federal offense. Yeah. I never want to think about that element of it. Oh, yeah, dude. Like you walk in. You're playing the numbers when you go out. Yeah.

They're cracking down on all that shit. They don't want any of that shit down. And that's, and I guarantee they probably have cameras in there. Yeah. Where they made deals and they're probably catching certain people that they want on film. But that means undercover people have to go in and get jerked off.

First of all, you know how many bald guys with tattoos are going in there? They're not going to recognize you in a, dark fucking video. Thank God. Probably seven guys like you go in a day. I think it's the same person.

Yeah. Dude, you know Robert Kraft went back the next day? Because he's a man. Yeah. He went back to the same place. Dude, when you're a billionaire,

it doesn't matter. Buddy, why would you fuck with him, though? He's an old dude. He's a billionaire. He's just going in to get a quick little thing. Yeah. It's the owner of the pads, right?

Yeah. Why would you not have someone just come to your place? Because it's not. Why are you going? It's not as exciting. It's not as exciting. Yeah.

Going into a place. Bing. Yeah You're gonna wait for that fucking You're waiting There's a thing of mince And you're like Can you get one now

And then I was on the door Come on in, come on in You're like She's always older than you hope Oh my God Always older Oh she's like Gooo

Always 50 something Yeah Right They're always shocked That you showed up Yeah They're like why can't Are you sure

You not us You Not us You really? Are you here to pick up your mother I'd say the time I went to one So I'm in

I'm in the thing and around 20 minutes in I look through the hole and I see guy feet in women's flip flops just hanging over the flip flops and I look up and there's an Asian dude rubbing my back I go

what the fuck he goes we were busy no he knew what you were saying he goes we were busy he was at the front and the girls were all busy so he just went and he's like he's not going to know he just put girl flip fluff he's not I just saw these fucking

man feet hanging over these flip flops with flowers on it. Oh, you look for the hole where your faces. Yeah. And he finished. Yeah. Yeah, he just gave a great hand job. Yeah. Yeah. The smell hits you when you walk in these places. Oh, yeah. Oh, somebody just finished lunch. Oh, it's such, and they have the, people don't know that they, you know, if you want to know if it's a place where they're going to do it. Yeah. You say, do you have table showers? Because table showers is not a legal thing. Like, they don't teach that massage school. I would never, I would not get show. I've gone to a place they go, you There's a table and you lie on it, and they have a bucket of water with a ladle and a hose,

and they scrub it there. They clean it, and then you lie down, and then they clean you like a fucking animal. Maybe for you. Yeah. They clean your bum. Do they? They clean your legs. And they roll you over, and they go, ah, he.

They always do a little ding ding joke. Oh, look at these. I never had that experience. And you've got to go, uh, and then they dry you off. and then they bring you back in the room. You know what? I don't like the hot coals. I don't like that.

You know what I'm talking about? No, you mean hot stones. Hot stones. Yeah, hot coals, what are you? You're getting fucking massaging in Kentucky? You want to put the hot coals on your back, you little Asian boy? Make some brisket. Get on there, boy.

Get on my trade your grill. You're a fault of the railroad? Because I think I know your face. We'll call calls. It's a Tony Robbins fucking cinnamon on. Yeah. I am brave. I'm going to finish my screenplay.

Why don't you like the hot stones? It's just hot for no reason. Dude, I love those hot stones. You like that? I don't think it does anything. What does that do? It actually... Opens you up.

It opens you up. I love it. He asked what he does. Like my son. What does it do? It opened you up. You answer the questions that you ask him. Before I can answer him,

a piece of shit. Let me answer it. His brain's working way faster than mine. You did the same thing. You're asking him about steroids. You're like, I know what you're going to do. going to say, but I'm going to say it anyways. Because I know what he's going to say it's safe. He's going to say it's okay. But he was honest. He said he will die sooner than later.

Yeah, that was crazy. Why? Why did you want to get this? Why did you want to... I love it. I love everything that it has to do with. I love eating like that. I love going in the gym. It makes me feel so good. It makes me closer to my family. It just... It connects me. It's just like a spiritual connection for me, too. What, getting shredded and doing... I'm not shredded now. I'm balking right now, but just the whole process of it. It always differentiated.

And then getting ready for a show is just, you're so zoned in, dude. Now, let me ask you a question. The same joy you get when you're out in the wilderness is what I feel when I do it. Well, you need to give them context for that, because that sounds like I'm killing people in the woods. The same thing you get when you murder people in the wilderness? Same thing you get when you take the last... gasp of air out of a cold woman's body. And you cut a piece of her hair off?

Yeah. Do you do anything? Like what? Anything besides comedy? Yeah, work out sometimes. Five days a week. Tell them about the sauna. I get touched in a sauna.

Dude. Did you really? Yeah, yeah, I got sex assaulted by a gay guy at the sun. Was it assault or was it just in advance? Well, I'll let you decide. I'll let you decide. It's still a salt. I wear this.

I'm not even married. I just wear this in the sauna. You wearing it on the wrong finger, though. That's what gay guys wear. Really? No, I thought it's a marriage. That'd be funny if that's what he did, though. This means let's fuck in the sauna.

Let's suck off at the sauna. Ooh, somebody's got a dinner bell ringing. I have the earring on the wrong ear. What happened to you? I was in the sauna at my gym in the locker room. You can't name the gym right now. Yeah. Is it expensive gym?

It's like 200 a month. What? Is that expensive? Yeah. For a gym, yeah. I'm anytime fitness. Oh, that's a great. What are you?

40 bucks a month? Yeah, it's the best. Good for you. You got a fob, you go in whenever you want. Middle of the night, nobody's there. Perfect. You can get drinks. It goes on your car.

Fucking love it. Good. I got out, Anthony. Yeah, I was in the sauna in the locker room and I like to get naked in the sauna. Would it cover in my towel? Yeah, most people don't wear jeans in the sun. No, but, you know, some people wear the box. I wear a suit.

I like to wear a suit. Gentlemen? I feel like the suit fits better. Yeah. After a sauna. Of course. Yeah. You're sweating.

I don't even iron the suit. You just go in the sauna. And Bing, you're ready to go to the wedding? Let's do that. Yeah, so I was sitting there by myself dying. Can I real quick? Do you have an uncircumcised one or you got a regular one? What do you mean?

Oh. This has to do with the story. This is great. Okay, great. So I'm sitting there and I'm dying. I got a little towel covering my thing. Asian guy walks in, older. Starts making conversation.

He's like, what kind of Asian are you? And I was like Korean. What are you? Jiao Ying Summers? What species are you? That's what he was asking me? He's like, what are you? He's like, Ty.

He's doing racist crowd work in the sauna. The Asians, does it matter to Asians? What Asian you are? Oh, yeah. Some of them don't like the jungle Asians. I love that the Jew just jumped in. I'm asking the Asian who's right here. Dude, the guys that work my peptide company, the next gen, these guys, they're Korean.

They educated me on everything. Some of them get all, you know, racie about it, but I don't care. So Asians don't like Asians. Yeah. Really? Like back home, but in America, people don't care. But was he asking you because? he wanted to find out.

I think he was just making conversation. Okay. He wasn't trying, like, did you have different penises? No, I don't think so. I don't like a South Korean penis. I don't know. I like North Korean, taste spicy. Oh, so much better, less rights.

They have less. No internet. Oh, they're calm struggles. Oh, Kim Jong, yum, yum, yum, yum. So I'm making conversation with him. and then at one point I'm dying, pouring sweat, so I lift up the towel to wipe my face and my junk is exposed.

Come on, dude, that's a rookie move. The fuck, you're a tease. Was that like a signal? You're a thing? Listen. It's like the running of the bulls of Campona. What's that, dude? The fuck is that, me?

You're asking me if in a sauna with a guy who don't know and he's making conversation if you go like this. That's a signal? I would have sucked you dead. Oh, it's so warm in here. Yeah.

Oh, daddy. I'm hard. Yeah, exactly. This episode is brought to you by Cash App. Cash App does more than you think when it comes to having your back and making sure your money stays your money. Cash App has just released a new status program for the way people actually spend called Cash App Green. Now, when you spend at least 500 a month with the Cash App card, you earn Green status, which unlocks benefits. like up to $200 of free,

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Visit cash.com. slash legal slash podcast for full disclosure. Why would you fucking... No, so I do that, right? And then he points to my area and he goes, cut? Are you cut? And I was like, what? And I'm looking at now.

He's like, are you cut? And I'm like, what are you talking about? And he dragged his finger. I love that he has such a white guy. What are you talking about, dude? Yeah. Hey, man. Excuse me, fellow?

Are you cut? I don't know. Hello? So he asked... So he dragged his finger across my pubs. You don't know what cut is. Dude, you missed. He dragged his finger across.

I'm slowing him. I'm slowing him down a little. This is hot. I want you to slow down. Okay. Do you not know what cut means? Well, not from a tie 52-year-old. But do you know cut-uncut?

Yeah, I... Circumcised. Yeah, yeah. Are you circumcised? Yeah. Yeah, but I guess the way he's asking it... Yeah, I was like, you cut? I thought he meant I had a scar.

Or like, are you off work? Right, right. I just want you to know that he's circumcised and his dick is so small. The guy was like, you cut on the... No, cut. I can't tell because diggy's so small. Yeah. It was dark.

A little tiny digger, don't know. It's inside your diggy. This is why you guys brought me on to do the accent. This is the whole reason. This is every comedy podcast I do. That's the racist bell. It's just Asian accent city. This is why I was invited.

First of all, I thought you were Mexican. Second of all, I was ready to go, hello, you do the thing. You got a, no. You got a cop. Oh, you tick all cut up, man. What those locals? Forever. So, you just give me heartburn.

Uh-huh. So he says you cut. And then I was like, what? And then he dragged this finger across my... Real quick. You wiped your face. Fucking detective over here. But you held the towel up while he...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So you're presenting. Porque! This is how... I'm just going to give you a little tip. If I was going to wipe my face, this is how I would do.

I would want like this. This is what I would have done. Yeah. you went Wait, let me see it Let me see it Yeah Let me see it

I did it all sexy too I was like Yeah I do wipe my face like that Like you know what I mean Like I didn't really slow I wiped the top of my head too Because that sweats

So you held the towel up While he was asking questions About your penis Yeah because I was like What are you talking about? We're both looking at my area You're being polite to the older Asians I was trying to

Yeah Yeah Right So he's talking about your dick He's asking you questions About your penis Right And your penis is still out

Yeah Yeah Yeah, I mean, it's rude to go, what? You can't, that would not be my instinct either. Exactly. Like that, no. How dare you? You're like, you're in shock when it's happening.

Right, exactly. And it was the first time I could, like, relate to girls that say they're in a state of shock. Right. Something like that happens. Because everything about right and wrong went out the window. I was just like, wait, what's happening? You just turned gay. Well, you're trying to be polite because you don't want to assume that he's doing what he's doing.

Right. You're looking for the best thing. Here's my finger. This is your cock. Hang on, let me use that one. Okay. Let me do that. So this is your car.

It's a little bigger. Show me how he did it. So this would be the pew. Let's reenact it. Ready? Go ahead. You cut? What?

Are you cut? What? You cut? Over the, over your pew? Yeah. On the top of your bush. Yeah. Right on my bush.

And he just, but maybe he wasn't a, maybe he was just. What are you? What are you? His lawyer? What the fuck? Who side are you on guy? Come on. Hear me out.

Jesus. Hey, hear me out. That's the problem. If the dick don't fit, you shall not acquit. Hang on. Hang on. Here me out. Maybe.

Uh-huh. You don't know generationally. Put the fucking racist. No, because it's getting there, dude. Dude, it's fucking sexual assault. Hang on. You don't know cultural divides. You don't know.

Now, hold on now. He might be. What was he? Korean? He's Thai. He doesn't know what Thai old guys do? They're the sickest of the bunch. You don't know that.

In Thai, it might be respectful to go to, he might have, that might be respecting to rub the, he went across the top. You are so gay. He went across the top. Drawing a line in the sand. You cut. And when he did that, what did you do? I was in a state of shock. Yeah.

And then he sucked him off. And then he was like, are you gay? And I went, no. I go, are you? He goes, oh, hell, yeah. You didn't think about that for a second? Like I said, I was in a state of shock. You didn't go, are you gay?

You went, no, I just went, no. And then I was like, are you? And he goes, oh, hell yeah. He said he's gay. Yeah, and his accent, like, disappeared. Oh, really? He just turned it to a white guy? Yeah.

Oh, hell yeah. He's like Tim Dillon. Yeah, I am. I just, uh... He was fucking code switching, like Quentin Tarantino. And then I leave the sauna, cover my ass with the towel. What do you think he's going to fucking ram something in quick?

Well, I just don't want to see my ass. Yeah, because you don't want to give it all the way. You get a little bit away. You're a tease. So I go in the shower. Yeah. And, you know, the curtain thing is maybe like a two-inch open. And you left that open.

I started tapping my foot from him to come in like a congressman. Get his little foot out like this. And he's on the bench outside the shower and he's doing this thing like. Watching you? No. Yeah, he's doing this thing like. And I had to like close the thing all the way shut. And then you open with peekiboo.

Piquo. I trick you. I trick you. I agree a gay. Here it is. There it goes. Here it is. There it goes.

There it goes. We're not doing the voice. No, it is highly disrespectful and inappropriate to touch another man's penis in Thai culture. Yeah. All right. So personal boundaries and modesty are deeply valued. Public display of affection or touching another person's private area without explicit, intimate consent, goes against social norms. But he was Thai American, right?

So here's the funny part too, right? The next time I go there, I tell the manager, I'm kind of like, can I talk to you about something? What a rat. Another Karen. Yeah, what a fucking rat. What? Did someone not put their 10-pound dumbbells away?

What do you want to bitch about today? I know. Treadmill 6 is broke. It has been. I know. They're making videos. That's what they do. Deal with it.

They're tripons. They're influencers with their burk and stalks and their pajamas. The song is not hot enough for you, queer. There's not enough steam to hide your gayness So I go to her, I tell her what happened She closed the door in her off And she's like, oh my God, that is terrible And then she goes, are you caught?

And she rubbed the time That was her father Might be the two worst people To tell the story to You got sex to be assaulted twice? Maybe it's the gym Rapies weight room The gym's name is

Get Cut The gym's name is You get cut. Double onto under Good, nicely played So she's like And I'm telling her It's like this Asian guy

So she starts going to do that day And the sign-ins Because it's like on record She's right to the L's Dude All right, let's see Something Wong Yeah, yeah

No, so that's what happened We start turning like Racist because we're like That seems like a pretty Asian name We click on it's like some white guy All right, we're wrong. Jordan Finkelstein. Not him.

Ming Fong Wu is Irish. Woo. So did you get his name? Did you find his face? We couldn't find him. Really? Because they all look alike. I'm sorry, that was bad.

Or he made it up. Imagine he's a fucking crazy person. Yeah, yeah. Well, I actually came into the stand that night. I bet you did. Yes, I saw him. He was like the first person I told. You was shaking?

Yeah. No, it wasn't shaking. Dude, you were. visibly unsettled. Let me say that. You were unsettled. It was kind of nice being a victim, no. I'll tell you that. Dude, shit happened to me. Yeah, because that's why you, yeah. I told

this on fucking, a whole bunch of things. I got fucking, our neighbor fucking patted my ass with a ping pong battle. He's gay. Don't sew. What I mean? What's wrong with that? Dude, did you, did he just win? Did you just make a good play? He gets real now. Oh, there's no ping pong. No. There's no ping pong. All right. I get it now. Well, you got to fucking, I mean, I little more.

I got very offended by it. You guys were playing doubles and you just got a nice ball. He's like, that's a manly thing. It ain't okay, dude. Isn't it? But mine wasn't nearly as bad. Real quick. Why did he have a ping pong battle?

It's gay. How's that a thing? I didn't know that. It'd be funny if this guy had a ping pong paddle too. He's got it right next to his ketamine. You never got hit on by a gay guy like that back in the day when you were hot? I did. I did.

You see his old head shots? I have two, two times. I live with this comic Maria Falzoni. She had her family owned this three family house And on the second floor she lived there And on the third floor, two other comics lived there And I rented a room $125 a month, little room

Oh wow And she had another guy Brian who worked there He was studying to become a weatherman And he was gay Great guy though I loved them And I at that time I hung out with a lot of mob Adjacent people in Boston

I worked in the North End Oh Oh, so I brought him down one night, and I sat him at the restaurant with fucking, you know, Joe the Bobber, fucking Lenny the Hook for Mike the fucking killer. And I sat him down at the table. And I remember that it was so nerve-wracking because I was just sitting there we're having dinner.

And he's just, you know, he can't help but be Brian. He's like, oh, my God, this is so good, you know. And, you know, you're seeing the one big guy was just looking at him the whole time. He kept going, something's up with you. There's something up with this. something up with you. I don't know what it is yet, but there's something up with you. And I'm like, oh, fuck, I don't. I hope I don't. And at the end of the dinner, he was so funny

and jovial, so gay, that he got up and he goes, I fucking like this kid. Bring this kid around more off. And he's like, I will. I will come down. But I was friends with them and we never, except one night, I'm in my room and you, I was, this is when I was really in shape and kind of hot Bobby. Yeah. And I'm in my room. I'm fucking. I had a futon. It was a little tiny room and I'm just lying in my bed. And all of a sudden I wake up and my door's open and there's Brian in his box of shorts, just a silhouette and he's drunk out of his eyes. He's like, Bobby, I'm like, what's up, buddy?

I was almost like an older brother to him. Bobby, I'm like, what's up, buddy? He goes, can I snuggle with you? And I go, Brian, you can't. He's like, come on. He put through a little fissive. I go, Brian, I can't snuggle with you, He goes, I had a bad night.

I just want to snuggle. I don't want to do anything. I just, can we just, like, lie together? I go, Brian, I'd rather suck your dick than snuggle. Okay. Do it. Dude, you're crazy. You said that.

Dude, you cut out the middle man. But I was like, dude, I can't. Buddy, I love you so much. You want to hang out and have a cup of coffee if you need to talk, but I'm not. I can't snuggle with you. I'm sorry. And he was, he literally, whatever. And he got mad at me and left.

I'm going to go shove my own fist up my asshole. The next day he, what is this? Book a professional. There's a now cuddle therapist in New York that you could hire to come and cuddle with you. Ooh, I'd do that. Yeah. I get a hot one. Yeah.

Is there any hot ones? They're all fat. No, some one are hot. Wait, wait, well, go to that top one with the glasses. Yeah. There you go. It'd be funny if my wife. No, the hot one with the glasses.

No, first of all, go to that one. Go to that forehead thing. Not the fucking maid. Oh, God. Hang on now. don't know. Jesus. She might be a good cuddler.

Yeah, she might. Got a lot of forehead space. Oh, Jesus, dude. Oh, wow. My name is Matalena. She might be all right, cuddler, dude. Five stars, though. I mean, she's got five stars, though.

You want a little fucking seven hours plus overnight. How much? Body type, curvy. Curvy. Roundy. I mean. Preferred day, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I'm pretty much open.

How much is it cost to cuddle? with her. There you go. 140 an hour, 882 overnight. So you just cuddle. You get a 10% discount on the overnight, though. Really? Can you imagine that they feel like... You know what, though? She's going to feed you too, though. Look at this one. Oh, all right. That's a lot of money. 120. She's cheaper. She's cheaper. Really? Body type average.

Do they have any body images? Do they have any body images? Go to that one in the middle by the water. Not bad. Not bad. Bands on, too. Oh, got a little bit of a late. lazy eye. She's in her broken. It'd be funny if my roommate Brian was on here. 500 an hour.

Wait, wait. Request a book. Let's see how fast. Hang on one second. Let's just go through a couple of these. Go to the one that looks like my mom on the right, the second row all over to the right. Oh, jeez.

Moosanine. Looks just like my, is that my mom? Bobby. Oh, my God. I made your soup. Bobby, I'm a professional cuddler in Manhattan on Mondays and Tuesday. Don't talk about it on your radio shows. She's 720?

Overnight. Oh, overnight. You got a 20% discount. Yeah. My mom. We can watch a movie. I cut here on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, and I'm a... You don't think these are hookers?

What does that say? I do virtual sessions for 60 bucks. That's a scam. Really? I'm laying next to you now. Let's wait. Request a book. Let's see how fast she gets back.

Yeah, let's get it. Let's get it. Probably got to set up a whole fucking... No, no, no. Go back. I don't want to request my mom. This is weird and really. go back and she'll answer quick

Bobby did you just email what if the number is my mom's number Red Velvet cookie no no no down the go to that one right here what do you mean go to Looner dude you guys are so excited right now Dude I love hugs Will also shit in mouth

She's 200 there you go What it openly You can you can take her on the road to cuddle What a fucking loser Who's this That's my cuddler I love cuddling because What does it say Danny?

Oh dude If I was rich, I would take a cuddler. I take it. What does it say? I love cuddling because it's a way to radiate love. I take care of newborns, ooh, and cuddle them for a living. I have a huge heart and lots of love to give. Open to traveling.

Yeah. Wow. Wait, karma 41. Traveling too. Please click on a friend. Those reviews? I hope her friends. Ooh, reviews.

Okay, here we go. Read them. One of the sweetest I have ever met. Always enjoy my time with her. Top-notch. Top-notch cuddler. Can you go to friends? I want to see a fucking...

I would love the one-stars. Stavros Halkeus is her friend. I'd love the one-stars. Oh, dude. They'd be ratting people out, dude. What? My God. They'd be ratting motherfuckers out.

Click on him. Click on him. I want to see it. That's crazy, dude. Oh, man. Crazy. Oh, God. Crazy.

Wow. Oh, no. Oh, but this guy's a cuddler, too. Oh, he's cuddles. Do they get discounts to cuddler and cuddler? You can call me a more. Oh, good. He's sapiosexual.

What is he said? That means. Sapio sexual? Danny, what is it? I'm Googling it. What does it say about him? Go to his friends. A little about me.

I love anything. Go on a rabbit hole. Finding new sports. Spots to eat. Spots to eat and traveling. Also enjoy reading art and just about all kinds of music. I'm a caretaker by profession. This is weird.

Sunday Monday. This is Leet to Fucking. Thursday. A sapial sexual is a term used to describe a person who is spiritually, emotionally, or sexually attracted to intelligence. We're out. You're in. I'm totally. I want to see the ones that are reviews.

Like, refuse to fuck. Want money back. Go to karma. Oh, wow. He's got all. They're friends. They're fucking canoodling, dude. That's the other girl.

It's called cuddling. Listen, don't disrespect them with cuddling. Oh, I saw a video. They're giving each other reviews. You see what I mean? Go back. We've got to get the ugliest one. I want to see if she has a bad review.

Go back and get the ugliest. This bitch smelled like roast beef. Stunk up my house. Oh, get that fucking one. Oh, my God. Nurse Aaron, you know she's jerk you off. Oh, my God. Supposedly, if you try to make a sexual thing, they'll ban you.

All right, karma. Go to karma. I bet she has. Look all the reviews she has. Oh, man. What does he say? What does Cud say? Cud.

Had an amazing cuddle session with Aaron. She's very warm and inviting. Very attentive. She is a great company. Oh, click on Cud. I want to see if he's a cuddler. He's a freak. Oh, my God.

Jesus, he is into it. Holy shit. He's a welder, dude. This guy looks, this is the kind of guy that buys all your merch after a show. I know. He's a guy that's at Skankfest every year.

This guy's going to be your special taping December 12th in Providence, Rhode Island. That's a long jersey. That's a fucking yapper just talked over. Karma. Go to his karma. That's an old Opie and Anthony fan right there. Respectful and incredibly.

funny. I truly enjoy their time. He's incredibly funny. Blonde girl. Who's blonde girl? Dude, she's hot. She's like 80s hot. Can I say something? What? What? Nina Hart. Get out of here, dude. Are these all just cuddlers on cuddlers? Are there any just randos? Fuck, I'm so fucking hard. So it seems like some of these people are giving each other

review. Yeah. Okay, so it's just cuddler on cuddler. It's just it's a, yeah. So it's just a group of cuddlers. Yeah. But I found a, there's one in, how I discover this, I'm going to pull up the video. There's a woman that reports on being a professional cuddle therapist on Instagram. I keep talking, I'll pull it up. Okay, so.

Is there a comic you would cuddle with? Like, is there like a threshold? No, I would cuddle with Aaron. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to cuddle with you because you're cut. Yeah. You wrap me out.

Big spoon? Little spoon? Little spoon? Big spoon? We'd swit. We'd probably cuddle face to face, forehead to forehead. Yeah, like that. Oh, my God. Oh, that'd be saying your arms around me?

Yeah. Your big arms. So go back really quick while he's looking this up. When you, when you ratted this guy out. Yeah. When you probably shouldn't say it like that. They didn't find the guy. When you reported him.

It's a difficult situation. Nobody's got to knowke. Nobody's got age. Fucking touched me. So what did she say? Did you go back to the gym? Are you scared to take a sauna? Yeah.

I was actually like kind of like looking in the sauna next time I went like, is he in there? Oh my God. He's waiting for you too. Payback. Every time he opens the song. He's in the huggle. I was doing that. And then like a month went by and I didn't see him.

So I was like maybe whatever. Okay. And then I saw him again. Oh, you did? And then I went immediately to the front. And you ran out. We found out he's like a day pass guy. Oh.

So he's coming in to fucking do hook up in the song. Yeah. And then she told me, you know, your story's not raised. There's been a lot of reports. With him? No, no, no, just like other people in gay propositions. Well, you know they had to shut the sauna down at New York Sports Club in Times Square. Oh, in Harlem, too, yeah.

And that's the one. I went in one night. It's a fuck. And, dude, it was weird. Like, in the steam one, not the song. In the steam. And they scurried, like, rats. Because me and my friend went in and we were just talking loud.

Just two straight guys walking in. What's going on in here? Oh, my God. You're a lot of smooching. Oh. Anyways, ST's not giving me spots. When I lived in my building on 43rd Street, we had an indoor, amazing gym, and they had a sauna, and they had to shut that down, too.

Because the fucking. The gym was open 24 hours, and everything was over 24 hours, and they shut it down after 10 o'clock, no more sauna. Because guys would go down at, like, one in the morning and just sucking each other off in the sauna, I guess. Of course. I get it. The heat gets you horny, you know?

Oh, dude. If you went to a sauna, there was chicks in there, blonde guys, and we'd go, right? Dude, the fucking, uh, the saunas in New York where, like, you can mingle with girls, not mingled, but they're wearing, like, bikinis. Oh, the Russian bath has co-ed day. Yeah, I forget what the... I was in the Russian bath one time, and a girl came in, hot chick in a bikini, getting that leaf massage. And they smacked her so hard that their top fell off. And it was just a bunch of guys with sauna hats just looking under their eyes, trying not to fucking get hard.

And then she stood up. I mean, it was just like, nobody can't. cared except for me. Yeah. Yeah. What is this, Danny? What to expect in a cuddle session? Go ahead.

Here we go. Click it. Slide left or whatever, right? We are going... You're right? No, I thought we were reading. Do you want to read together? Yeah, yeah.

You really... I thought you were reading. No, you can read. Okay. No, go ahead. No, you read. You're a better reading. We are going to do a consultation call beforehand to discuss your needs and goals

and to ensure that cuddle therapy is a good fit for you. Can you read it in a Chinese accent? Four hours I feel like the guy in Breaking Bad For the first time session will be Start by sitting

I'll deal there as a black guy All right go ahead Man for our first session I'm gonna tell you something Man we're gonna start sitting down And chat with a motherfucker And sure that you feel comfortable And shit

Not I mean You understand that you gotta like Speak your head up And shit immediately If you feel uncomfortable At any point Not I mean So like throughout the session

If you want to like Do some shit And Cotto We can spend like a whole session Talking if you're down with that All right guys What's the next one? And now read it as Tony Soprano.

Before we transition to cuddling, I like to set up the ambience of the room with colorful smart lights, Gabish, relaxing music, a shilling projector, aromatherapy, via essential oil diffuser

if you're open to it. That's not bad. All right, now your turn. I'm done reading. So read it. It's weird. When you feel good and ready,

we can start to cuddle. I will encourage you to ask for what you want, but I'm also happy to lead the way if you aren't sure of what to, of what cuddle positions you want to try. What? Bro, this is so weird. During the cuddle sessions, I hold space for you and all emotions are welcomed. We can talk about whatever you would like to.

However, there's no need to talk the entire time. We can also cuddle in silence and relax or play something on TV if you prefer. At the end of the session, I will give you a 10 to 15 minute warning, so you have time to try any new cuddle positions. Cuddle positions you are eager to try or go back to one of your favorite cuddle positions from earlier in the session. Let's do ass stuff again. After the session, I'll follow up with you a few days I just.

Hey, can we do milk the cow cuddle? Are you know what would be funny doing this and just ripping a fart? Let's do one boob and face cucklers. She's hot. She's hot. This cuddler is how I discovered this. And she was, the website that we looked at after. That's Danny talking?

Yeah, she's shitting. This woman shitting on that website because she's saying the website I showed you we're prostitutes, but she's not. Really? Let me hear it. Hey, thanks for asking this question. My name is Danzrio. I'm a full-time cuddle therapist. I've been doing this work for the past four years.

Four hours. And to answer your question, I'm going to use my friend and colleague snuggle with Sam's definition. And that is that a cuddle therapist is a emotionally healthy, supportive, cuddly surrogate friend. Boring. So basically what we do for our clients is we provide therapeutic, nurturing. which we're only touch along with emotional support so we hold space for our clients. I'm fucking, I'm done.

I'm done, dude. I know what they do if you get hard, like on their ass. Oh, I know. You know what I mean? I'm not offended by your erection, but I would ask that you give it space and me space. I know what he would do. He'd rat you out.

Fucking. Look this guy. Is that fucking Sean Don? I just stormed the Capitol. Hold me. I'm trying to. not to eat potatoes. Guys, I'm Dan St. Germain, and I'll be here all weekend.

The aliens are coming. Please hold me. Joe Rogan's evil. When life changes, you don't have to face it alone. Yeah, you're supposed to. Man up. Is the fucking, the juice coming out? I just, listen.

Oh, my God, there's a cuddle bed. Ooh, that one's nice. You like that bed? Not like a fortress. It's like a wall. This woman makes you come to her office for the first section. Okay, it's in the office. And then this is her office.

And then after you go to her office, she will then come to you. But she just wants to be comfortable with you in her room. She just wants to make sure you don't fucking a piece of shit. Yes. You're not going to whip your dick out. Yeah. All right. Why are you?

What's going to stop me? The office? I had to take an elevator and go buy a door guy, so I'm not going to get hard. I'm not going to get hard. I'm doing it. Oh, she's, yeah. She's, I mean, listen. If you're doing this, how many follows does she have? She have a lot?

Not. I bet under a thousand. Okay. Okay, there you go. Yeah, this is not a big market. South Brunswick. This is weird. Like, to pay that much money to cuddle with somebody, you can just go, fuck it.

Dude, you could pay $100 and just cuddle with a hooker for less. If you, imagine if you were a hooker and the guy was like, I just want to cuddle, you'd be like, fucking great. I'm sure that happens often. What? Guys want to cuddle with hookers sometimes Oh, wait a minute, stop. Look at her arm. No, look at her arm.

She's a fucking heroin addict. Oh my God, what's those bruises? That's when cuddling went wrong. That's when the guy tried to hold her down and fucking eat her pussy. You don't mind if we shoot some H, do you? Wow. Really relaxes me.

Shoot a little H with me. This guy fucking got scoliosis. What guy is going to let her use his fucking photo on her web, website. I'm a cuddler. Maybe he gets like half off or something? I don't know. This has got to be a big thing. She charges money for the chat session, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, wait, read that. For my safety and sanity, I cannot take on clients who are members of the MAGA call or any other similar dangerous hate groups such as neo-Nazis, the KKK, the KKK, Proud Boys, Moms for Liberty, etc.

Do not bother booking a consultation if you are a member of a hate group or subscribe to a hateful ideology. That's awesome. That's great. How do you think they're going to get better? if you're not giving them hugs. If anybody needs hugs, it's the KKK. That's insane. We should book something and be like, hey, I'm a part of MAGA just looking. She's got derangement syndrome. You should call her up and try to book it as Trump.

Who's wondering if you're available? I was at the UN, hanging out with the Jews. That's great. Oh, wow. Crazy. Would you ever do a cuddling? Yeah, I mean, I'd be up with your wife. Yeah, a little bit.

A little bit, right? But I also like sleeping in the... the other room sometimes. Are you there yet? What's wrong with that? Are you married? Yeah. You're married?

You don't like sleeping with your wife? I sleep with my wife a little. Oh, that's just your don't suck my dick guy. Yeah, I'll go in the other room sometimes. You don't do that? Not a lot, because she gets upset now. And my wife sleeps better when I'm in bed with you. I love sleeping in the bed with my wife.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you sleep on your back? I try. You're a side. I try. I know I try to sleep on my back now because I wasn't. sleeping good on my stomach. I'm trying to sleep on my back.

I used to sleep on my front, dude. Oh, that's bad. That was the best. You'll die. I used to sleep the best. I used to sleep the best like that. Dude, I sleep. I try to, I fall asleep like this with my head up a little bit, and I have a pillow on either side to kind of keep me straight, but I do wind up on my fucking stuff. You got the dogs in bed too? I got the one of the dogs. We got two dogs. And then sometimes the daughter comes. But I,

we have men. We have king fucking beds. What are you sleeping? Futon. I think I have a queen. Futon, you're a dickens. Ring that bell. Jesus Christ. I like being the whole family in bed makes me very happy now. Well, when I'm on the road, I hate it.

I call my wife so many times when I'm on the road. Really? So many times. I'll face it up. What are you doing now? What do you want? I don't call my wife that much. Really?

No, because if I call it's when she's like, what? Yeah, they're happy. You're away. Yes. When you call them, they're like, what the fuck are you doing? Oh, 100%. Yeah. Yeah, they're holding it down.

It's a vacation for them. Yeah, I relax. My wife is a piece of shit. Am I lying? Yeah. No, I mean, you're right, but it just hurts. Yeah. Yeah, they like when we're away.

It makes them a bunch of it. They like when you're away, but then when you come back, Patrice's joke is the best. I don't want her, I want her around. I don't want her here. Yeah. I just want to know she's around. Right.

I just want to know she's in the house. I just don't want her here, like right next to me. You know, but I do, I love sleeping at the about my life. I'll tell you this. I don't like leaving my house no more. We've done so much to the house now. You made a home. You have a sauna?

I got a red light sauna, three-person, got a fucking gorgeous pool. I don't like leaving my house, dude. It's the problem, dude, you fucking, you made it, the problem with fucking success. Yeah. And when you get a life and the thing we've tried for 30 years to do, and then you get it, it's like, I want to stay. Yeah. And you can't. Yeah, you got to keep hustling.

You hustle a lot. I was thinking about that on the driving today. I was going to say to you, when is enough? because you don't fucking need this. When I look at my bank account and my knees don't wobble. If I can go to an ATM on the street and let people look at my balance, I don't have to go, no, no receipt, no balance, no receipt, no balance. When I can do that, yeah.

Yeah, I'll cut it down. Yeah, because the more you make, the more you spend, but then the more you spend, the more you make. There's only a finite amount of time to have success in this business. I believe at our level. I believe there's guys that skyrocket. I'm at a very low level of success. Yeah, but you've had, you have a special, it just came out.

Yeah. So, you get these pops, right? Yeah. You get these pops. And when you get those pops, you got to kind of, you know, capitalize them. I also believe in you, you too, we're going to do this until we die. We're going to keep going. I'm going to quit at 65.

No. How old are you? I'm 64. Thank God. I have one more, actually six months left. You're like 55 or some shit. 55, yeah. Are you really?

I got like 10 more years of fucking hustle. You're really going to go to 65? You're not going to go to 30? in my life to where at a certain point I can sell this and sell that and go there and just I'll probably still do comedy but not this way. No.

No. I still love doing it. As much as I don't want to fucking drive in. Once I get in, I'm like, oh, this is good. And I'm so good at it that it feels. I'm not going to, yeah. I mean, I love doing it, but, like, you know, we have, like, it's so funny.

Like, there's comics that are multi-millionaires. Yeah. I'm just going to work clubs just to work this hour out. You know, they do one night. It's like, I have to work that club to pay my mortgage. Like, we have to work. I get it. So it's like when the opportunity comes in your, I take it.

You right? I just take it. Because also, too, you're going to realize this. There's going to be a point, like my son, he wants to hang out with his friends now. Okay. So I tried to suck up all that. Yeah. Oh.

I'm not there yet. And I feel like a fucking asshole whenever I got to leave that. Yeah, but there's going to be a point when you leave and you don't. They don't, this is the first year, like, my son's waking up and getting ready and leaving without me. Yeah. Like, I walked my kid to the bus every day last year. Every day of his life, I would wake up with him.

This year, I woke up this morning and I was like, where's Max? It was like, 9.30. I'm like, where's Max? He went to school. I'm like, did he? How old is he? Did he try to wake up? Bobby, school starts at 8, you fuck, wake up.

No, he didn't, he just goes now. Oh, good. He doesn't need me. That breaks your heart a little bit. It doesn't, yeah, it does because he's because he's growing up. I tell you, my daughter, what happened today? She was in a sauna, and an Asian guy was like, you cough? She goes, you cut.

She goes, I'm a girl. I'm not Muslim. But he couldn't do this because she's too young. There's no Muslim. They let you keep it. Oh, my God. She, a boy had a crush on her. She had a crush on a boy.

She's in fourth grade. So he goes, I have a crush on you. She goes, I have a crush on you. Then this other girl kissed the boy. Oh, no. This is news we get two days ago. Then today, I pick her out. She was dead.

I had a bad day. I go, where I think. She goes, I saw them both outside, and I guess they kissed under the slide, and she walked up to them. Dude, she's fucking nine. This is a heartbreak. I know.

She goes, she confronted both of them, which I would never do. Good for her. This guy couldn't even fucking snitch on the guy that grabbed his cock in the sauna for a day. Fucking pussy. He went to take a shower with a curtain over. D-D-D-D-D-D-D. Piper goes up and she goes,

I thought you said you had a crush on me. And why would you kiss him? And he slapped you in the face, bitch. Get out of no. And I'm like, we got to get her out of public school. And so then fucking. And then he goes, yeah, well, we're breaking up. I have a crush on her now.

What race is he? That don't matter. But then. It matters. What the fuck, man. Ding. You guys. Didn't know that my story with a butt.

You think Aaron's daughter's going to date another race besides white? Oh, she would. How's she going to bring them home? Dude, I'm so liberal. Yeah, right? Go ahead. My guns are so liberal. Oh, that makes me so happy.

If your daughter brings home a Muslim someday, that would make me happier than anything. Fucking, fucking throw blueprints. Your daughter comes home, she's like, Dad, I have something to tell you. Dude, I know people that that's happened. Your daughters have gone, like... Dad, you guys are... calling this and you're killing babies. I have no

daughter! And then he goes, well, I like eight other girls too. So I had to have this talk with her. Christine. I hope you called that guy's father. It was like, dude, dude. What's up dude? His father's not. Cool kid. Oh, I think that should answer your question. Well, I knew from when he said

when he said he had eight side chicks, I was like, all right, I think we know we're, uh, wow. But the nicest kid. But it's like these kids are going through. You're fucking fourth grade. You don't know what you. It gets worse, dude. It gets worse. It gets worse because I have a son, so I got to deal with all of it.

Your wife's not dealing with any of it. Why? Oh, because she's not. No, it's just, your daughters usually go to the moms. The son, this guy, I've got to talk to you. Yeah. What does he talk to you about? How old is he?

15? He's 13. 13. Yeah, I mean, this is the time. Yeah, it's the time where he's like, he's good. Dude, he tried to pick up the bartender at the wedding we went to this weekend. And I didn't know. Inside of me, I was like...

Everyone's horny, dude. I'm like, in my heart, I'm like, you shouldn't do that. But as a guy, I was like, it's fucking kids cool as shit. And she was like 48. Good for him. Yeah. She had cancer freckles.

I'm pretty sure she had kids. Cancer freckle. What the fuck? And he's like, Shirley Temple, what are you doing? You know, really? There were a couple of cherries in there, sweetie. You know what I mean? Yeah, they go nuts.

They go nuts. But what are you going to do? You have a catch him watching, or some shit? Well, he had a friend over, this was a few years ago, and his friend was a little piece of shit. Yeah.

Kept touching Max asking if he was cut. Yeah, he was a six-year-old Asian guy. I was like, why are you fucking meet this guy? Stop bringing guys home from the Korean deli. No, he actually was at the gym. He went to the gym and he brought this guy home. No, but yeah, this kid showed him porn. Yeah.

I check his phone all the time, so I go... You really? Every day, yeah. And I go Maximus, this is, you can't, this is terrible. Like, this is what you're watching is kind of abusive to women. You don't want to start here. You don't want to, you don't want to do this. And then I sent the link to myself so I could have it because it's my genre.

He was right up my alley. Old Asian sauna guys. Ebony porn. But now we watch it. I said, you can go on YouTube. You want to fucking look at hot chicks or anything on YouTube? And then I went to his YouTube and it's just chicks on the back of motorcycles riding with the big butts shaking over the bumps. I was like, good.

Fucking good. Look, you can't avoid it. The parent, you think you're going to avoid it. And there's always parents are like, dude, I would never do that. Dude, why do you look? It's like, okay, dude, you could have the nicest kid. You could have the private school. You could have all the shit.

And then one day your kid's fucking doing heroin, sucking guys off and a fuck. You know, you can't control a human being's life. You can guide them and you can correct them. But as they get older and over, they're pulling the fuck away from you because they want, and you're not going to take away any of their mistakes. You can just help them and be there for them when they go through them. That's about it.

So, you know, he's a, you know, he loves, he's, he's chick crazy right now. Yeah, he's horny. Yeah, your hormones go nuts. Yeah. You're telling me. I'm injecting them three times a week. You have a 13-year-old fucking hormones going through your body? It's crazy.

What's your T-levels at? I don't bother checking them or more. You're cruising around 15 on no usual. What? That's crazy. That's crazy. Wow. That's a lot of.

So you're horny. It's good, dude. It's not, no, listen, don't. Dude. No. Dude, it's good. 15 is crazy. Dude.

Dude. Dude. Dude. Dude, it's not good. You just keep an eye on your hematic rate. I don't even know. I don't want to know. It's a thickness of your blood.

I don't want to do that. I just want my blood to be my blood. You crank one out a lot? No. No? Never masturbate. Yeah, right. Never.

Why? I haven't masturbated. That's crazy. It's too much work. Yeah. Plus blood comes out when he does. Looks like a fucking beheading video. Listen, but real quick, all these drugs that are coming out, though, like the peptide that you can put

under your tongue now. Yeah. I take that. Seamin. I sleep. No. I take that. I sleep.

Of course. Sleep like a baby. My knee feels better. Yes. I don't have to inject it. I can just put it on my tongue. And I feel great. Yeah.

Now, this new, they have a new drug out, like to lose weight, but you don't lose muscle. And it's like a wonder drug. What is it called? Red a true time. Yeah. And you take that.

I've been trying to get you on that for a year and a half. Yeah, but what does it do? But he's good now. You just told me what it does. But what else does it do? Yeah, he does that all the time. It's got. cancer curing

fucking qualities. It levels off all your blood work. I ran a fucking four month cycle of steroids where at the end I thought she's going to tell me I have to go for dialysis.

Like that's how much risk I put into it. Jesus. Because your blood works never look better. Really? Wow. Crank it up.

That's what I say. So what, Red a true tide? What is it? It's a GLP3. You get it from me. You just tell me and I will bring it to you.

Remix. You flip it, right? You flip these products. I fucking got it. How much is it? I'll talk to you off the air about it. It's cheaper than it is online. No, it's Greymark.

Okay. So you take it, be you going to take it for life? You don't have to. So when you stop taking it, are you fat again? I've been off for two weeks. So you don't take it. Two weeks ago. Really?

I'm trying to gain 15 pounds. Okay. Why? For the sauna? Yeah. Yeah. Trying to go up awake. Yeah, he was too hot to get sucked off of the sauna.

But yeah, it's fucking, you want to stay on Reda. Really? It's one shot a week, dude. Wow, there's only one. Yeah. Now, aren't they making it into a pill form? They will eventually. And then you just pop a lung.

But your liver. But that goes through the liver. Yeah. So you want to go to the injection. You want to inject. Really? Bobby will never do this. But I will, I did inject. What you inject? Peptise syrup.

You know what? I don't like you. What? A million Asian accents. I say one fat joke. Yeah, but that one hurt. but you did Ozempic right no I got I got the surgery

yeah and then two months later they came up with fucking yeah it's like when you get the new iPhone Christine and Jay just lost weight not doing anything eating pizza yeah that's great yeah it is and they do say it helps with a lot of

not the Ozepic the the red of trutide inflammation goes down my wife had five autumn dementia right the good ones yeah and she's she's better in every way, shape, and form. I got her on HRT now, so she's going to be doing 10.

Well, I am taking testosterone, too. Yeah, good. My testosterone was down to, like, three something. That's terrible. So then I got it up to... 3.1? No. I got it up to fucking 800, like 700.

I'm normally 700 if I got to get my insurance approved because you've got to be under 800, so I don't take a shot for a couple days. I go in, they're like, oh, you're 750. I'm like, thanks, and then insurance runs. I go to Game Day. You ever hear Game Day? No.

Game Day is a place you go. go in and they'll they can do everything they take everything and they yeah they monitor everything and you know what I mean I don't they had a thing once where they were like they have this electric thing that they do from muscles they did it on my my tennis elbow fleshlight no no no it's this it's like a it's a let's unit yes yeah oh they're great but then they had one for a penis no way yeah they put it on your penis and it will give you more growth in your penis and it get out of here And I was like, I'll do it. But then she's like, okay, cool.

I'm going to, I'm going to do it. But I have to have this other girl who's a trainee come in. I'm like, I'm out. I don't want a tranny touching my dick. Oh, no, a trainee. I didn't want the fucking shadowing waiter fucking being, looking at my car. Ooh, that one needs work. Well, you've never looked better.

Yeah. And you're doing great. I know you've been through a lot of changes in the last five years. And you've got a special out on Gasdale's just killing it. Yeah. So make sure you check it out. You got your family. You got everything going on.

Make sure you go to Aaronberg.com and go see him live. Do you have to be shirtless? Yeah. I think it's sick. Yeah, it is pretty fun. I know you do, fucking sauna boy. It is pretty far.

You love it, don't you? I look so fucking good. I'm not going to hide that shit. That took years to fucking build up the courage to do that. Yeah, it took years off your life too, but that's good. Left eye looks like I'm having a stroke for some reason. I know. It's crazy.

Does it? Yeah. So make sure you check out Anberg And then what's your website again? Punchup. Live. com. Come to see me. When is this coming out?

Sunday. Sunday, all right. Come out to Comedy Store, November 6, L.A., original room, and then Plano, Texas, October 16, 17. Where are you from originally? I'm from Queens, and then we moved to Connecticut. So you're a New York guy? Right now?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What part of Connecticut do you move to? Stanford or something? Milford. Milford, okay. You know where that is? I do.

I live in Westchester, so Connecticut's kind of... Yeah, yeah. By back door. And you started your comedy career in New York. Yeah, well, in Connecticut. And then New York was right there, so I was always like... Right. Right there, yeah.

It's hard, man. That's a hard gig there. It started at Joker's Wild in New Haven. Oh, yeah. The Marbone then. Yeah. Back in the day, that was a fucking wild place to do comedy. Yeah, it was.

Did you know the guys? No, but I would always hear about them. Oh, really? John Callish or whatever. Oh, yeah, some guys. Crazy. You know what you don't want to say. Because I'm not a rat.

I like you. What, you own the thing? You work in Laughston. That's me. This is you. Okay. I thought you were working Laughboson the same weekend. I thought they bumped me for you.

Make sure you check me out. Port Charlotte, October 2nd and 3rd. Laugh Boston, the 16th, 17. I'm running my hour there, so come out and check it out. And of course, Lafayette, New Orleans. I'll be hanging out down there, October 23rd. Lake. Charles, the 23rd, the 24th, and the 12th of course in Skankfest.

But the most important thing I want you guys, go buy the tickets for my special. If you're in New England, New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, Connecticut, or Boston, Rhode Island, New York, Jersey, go to Punch Uptown Live slash Robert Kelly. If you guys are fans of mine, I want you guys at that special. Robert Ed. It's December 12th at the Uptown Theater. town theater. So what are you a fucking parrot? Well, you were struggling.

I was struggling. My T's not up enough. So make sure you check that out. Danny, what do you got? Follow me on Instagram at Danny Braff. And come see me a headline in Syracuse, October 3rd, Salem, Massachusetts, October 8th and 10th, and Port Smith, New Hampshire, October 9th. And Joe, what do you have? Hey, this is Joe Russell.

Go to, I don't know, Instagram. Type in Jokes, Russell. Give me a follow. That'd be great. Joe just wants to fucking internet fame. Really? Yeah, he wants,

he wants to be an influencer. It's the best, dude. That's what fame is, internet. He has such a great show, the cheese show, and then he does all these skits with his talented wife. Yeah.

So go check them out. Please give him a follow. And right now we're going to patreon.com slash Robert Kelly. We got questions for these guys that you guys, who are in the Patreon asked. We're going to be going to all those right now.

So if you want to be part of that, all you're going to do is join the Patreon. It's very, I think it's five bucks a month, whatever like that. and it supports the show. If you're watching a YouTube of listening, make sure you hit like and subscribe

and comment, get in those comments. And what are you doing? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What are you doing? What are you doing? I was just coughing and I could have. Are you all right? No, he's not okay.

You sound sick, man. You guys are fucking me. No, I just watch him and try to be professional. It's funny. I'm just cock with a bare hand. I'm just trying to fucking get people. Stop looking at the camera. I don't know.

Okay, okay. Your camera's there. Okay, okay, okay. See, every time I'm talking to the camera, he's looking at like it's a fucking alien device. It's called a camera fuck face. Yeah. Okay, okay.

Fuck's wrong with you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What's wrong with him, Aaron? What? What's wrong with him? He's got PTSD. Yeah, dude. I'm traumatized.

Jesus Christ. Put that suck dick. PTSD. We'll see you guys next time on you know what, dude.