Robert Kelly's You Know What Dude! - You Know What Dad | The Regz w/ Robert Kelly, Dan Soder, Luis J. Gomez and Joe List Ep #48

Episode Date: October 22, 2025

Robert Kelly, Luis J. Gomez, Joe List, and Dan Soder discuss if Bobby was ever mean to Dan, Max flicking a booger at Bobby, Joe excited for the Turner Classic Movies Cruise, Judy Blume owning a book store, the Riyadh Festival drama, Theo Von drama alleging bombing his netflix special, which actors would play them in a Regz movie, Bad Bunny playing the Super Bowl Halftime Show, and the world’s hottest people and more! Presented by YKWD and GaS Digital. LISTEN ON APPLE PODCASTS https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-regz/id1700969607 SOCIALS Robert Kelly @ykwdpodcast https://robertkellylive.com/ https://www.instagram.com/robertkellylive/ Luis J. Gomez https://luisofskanks.com/ https://www.instagram.com/gomezcomedy/ https://twitter.com/luisjgomezJoe List https://twitter.com/JoeListComedy https://www.instagram.com/joelistcomedy/ Dan Soder https://www.dansoder.com/https://www.instagram.com/dansoder/  SPONSORS  PrizePicks Get $50 in lineups after placing your first $5 lineup https://www.prizepicks.com/ Mando New customers get 20% off with code “REGZ” ZocDocUse zocdoc.com/regz to support the show and get the help you need LucyGet 20% off first order w/ code “REGZ” BodyBrain Coffee Use code REGZ25 to get 25% off https://www.BodyBrainCoffee.com/ Small Batch CigarUse code REGZ10 for 10% off plus 5% rewards https://www.smallbatchcigar.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody, you guys, uh, I love merch. I really do, dude. I love being draped in it. I love a nice hoodie. I can turn this t-shirt into ice cream. I can do it, dude. Uh, and regsmerch.com right now, go there and get your official regs merch. What do we get up there, Lewis?

Mount Regsmore shirt, the country moose. Asterix. They did have to make all of our heads the same size. It is not to scale. Really? If the Mount Regsmore, well, your head would be most of the mountain. Yeah, it's true. You'd be like, you'd be like,

I'd be like, John, I'd be like Joe, Joe would just be a dog. He'd be a period on the regs. They'd just do one stick of dynamite. You know, they blow those into the side of the mountain. They go, Joe's done. We also have your own bomb dana. If you want to throw a bomb dana in your friend's face and they have jokes that bomb. What a fun thing you could do.

What a game to bring home for the friends and family. Go, shut the fuck up, you stink. This Thanksgiving, just throw the bomb dana right in your grandma's face when she tries to make a funny. Yeah. You dumb bitch. The bomb dance. She has no idea what Thanksgiving, dude. Did you just say a funny?

Yeah. Boo. A funny. Right now, we're going to do this. This is a cool thing that we're doing at Skank Fest. We're all going to be at Skank Fest. If you guys come to Skank Fest and you're going to do a special meat and greet, we're going to have a special side thing. We're going to figure it out.

We'll let you guys know where it's at. We're going to give you oral set. Dude, we're doing this. We're all like, what? You're calling those Skank Fest. We're going to move you. We're going to move you. We're going to come to your house.

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All right. Let's start the show. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. You ready? We're ready. What's up? It's the regs.

We're back. Joe List, Dan Soda, Louis J. Gomes. How are you not sweating? Bobby K. I put on 22 pounds

in the Dominican Republic. Shut the fuck up. What? What's your problem? Not you. Him. Fuck you. Shut the fuck up you.

Fuck you. Bobby's in a bad mood. There he is. Bobby called me last night cryptically. I got a cryptic phone call. I'm so happy I know the word cryptic now. Yeah, I got a cryptic phone call last night. Bobby's like, dude, let's go on.

He called twice. And I was like, what happened? And I was like, I'm watching a movie with James. And then he sounded bummed. He was like, oh, just go watch a movie with your kid, dude. And then he hung up. It made me happy. He's like, he goes like this.

This is my favorite Lewis, by the way. Hey, what's up, buddy? Hey, what's up, buddy? I'm just watching a movie with Jambo to put him in bed. What's going on, pal? When he's like, gentle Lewis? Yeah, yeah. Dad, Lewis is almost as good as girlfriend.

Well, you have to, you have to use that voice when you're molesting a child. You go, hey, buddy, let's get those pants on. Hey, shh, don't tell him. I'll kill your dad. Give me a favorite. Put those pants off your eyes. Get those underwear and put them over your head. Do you love your parents?

Do you want them to die? Call him back after the movie? I did call him back twice. He didn't answer. Yeah, I didn't answer. This morning he texted me. He's like, dude, I'm going to call you at 935. I was like, what is going on with my special?

It's bad. You just learned your lesson. No, 935 is very cryptic. 935, you'll have to receive a phone. Can I say, though, I did do the 935 to be cryptic. Okay. Because you wrote cryptic. Would you write your cryptic?

That's like your cryptic fuckface. Yeah, so I wrote back, I was going to write 938, but I thought that'd be too cryptic. 35's perfect. 35's perfect. No, I had a fucking, it made me so sad. It made me happy, and it was so. So perfect to call him at that time because I didn't have to talk to him. Yeah.

And he gave me everything you needed. Okay. I had a fucking, you know, me, I'm a fucking psycho. I'm a fucking crazy person. Yeah. And now, through Allen, I'm going through all this shit. Okay. You got to get to it.

You got to get down to it. I'm like, dude, can I just bury it? I know. Can I burn it and bury it? I'm going through the same thing, really. I'm braggie. Can we just, I am a professional forgetter. I go, I can push it down.

I go, I have a little space. I have a crawl space in the bottom of my leg where I can put all this anger. I have a stairwell right here, and I push the stuff that I don't want to think about underneath the stairwell. I pack it in, like a Japanese train. I push it all the way. A lot of people don't know this. Born in Okinawa. That's true.

So it's okay. It's okay now. I lived there until it was four and a half. They kicked him off the island for that. You went, oh, your jokes are too shitty. Japanese culture say, men who make pun fucking retard. You missed it, though. That's too good.

It can't be that good. I know. It's got to be like this. That's Chinese. Did you ever see the Ted Alexander joke about it? Where he goes, if you're doing your Chinese accent's Ching Chong Ching, Brother, you've got to get into modern day. It's a hong to his hold hole.

He goes, it's a flowing thing. Ching Chongqing is very 12-year-old. Yeah. That's when you... I mean, I still do, when I go to the Chinese restaurant with James, because he's such a sweet kid who's not racist. As soon as I turn around, I'm like, You're 12-year-old boy

He does Jerry Lewis Yeah, dude, he can't help him Dude, he can't help My first 10 minutes of comedy, by the way That was my first 10 minutes Really? I had bucked teeth And 10 minutes of fucking awesome jokes

I think that's great Lewis is solidifying James coming home From Stanford with an Asian wife Yeah, no, he's just like He's like, no, dad, you can't But he thinks it's so funny It was very Stanford. Yeah, he's going to come up from a nice school, and he's like,

and she plays the cello on the symphony, and she's like, not all Asian people play the cello, Dan. Yeah, okay, sure, but some do. Wow, wow. Okay, we're just, we're having fun games over here. We're just doing voices. Do you know how retarded that statement is that you think that I think every Asian person plays. Oh, Dan, Dan, I take a riddery, or two, rituary.

Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, I know. It's real retarded. There we go. Bobby knew it. Buddy. The word of retort? Whoa. Whoa. Wow. You got me to say it off. You got me to say it.

Are you pivoting Christian Wright? I feel like Lewis is pivoting Christian Wright right now. We're doing that on Legion of Skanks. Jesus. Have you seen the woke Legion of Skanks now? Oh, I love it. We added pronoun penguin to the table. Oh, fine.

And we change Hate Species of the Bear to Safe Space the Bear. Safe Space the Bear's great. There's 15% of our audience thinks that it's 100% real. So they're like literally just every day I get messages me like, dude, you fucking sold out your values, you piece of shit. The drywall cost of people punching holes in walls. We change the core values from radiation and racism to ridiculousness, riffing. I don't mind that one. It's kind of the same.

They do do that, too. The ridiculous riffing goes on a lot of the skags. You guys are saying stuff you do. Yeah. And rebellion. So anyways, I caught, I had a fucking blow out. I think Patricious. Shit your pants?

No, no. Probably you have no hair. You got a blow out? Hang on top. Yeah. Hold on. Yeah. You're going to fly.

Joe's fucking... Let mine run its course. Sweet God Joe took that yard. Blow out's a common term for a diaper. Yeah, you're not going to follow a shit joke with a bald joke. Well, just, I mean, you could do it, but let it run its course. I should have, you still let you should. I was...

Can I be honest with you? If you were a good point guard, you would have let me do a shitty joke first, and then you would have come in with a bang. Take your shot. Sorry, I buried a three from fucking two feet behind the line. Yeah, but I was wide open. Yeah, we got an extra point. Mine's three.

Yours is two. You know, twos can be more valuable than three. I don't know if you're familiar with sports. You're going to pass it to me. I'm going to pass it back down here. This isn't Princeton. We're not doing five passes before you shoot. But the problem.

I liked yours. The blowout thing is good, but we were on my mind. And I just say, I didn't like either. I mean, you heard Joe got me. Joe got me in my ribs. All right. So you had a blowout. No.

Who were you upset? I am. No, dude. I'm just, I'm a fucking psycho. I know. We've all open for you. I know. You know what?

Yeah, he does that. He does that. He's got a needle. You're trying to be self-aware. Thank you. Thank you. We're on a comedy audience. Hey, sometimes comedy isn't funny.

But he's working on himself now. He had a blowout this weekend. I would kill that for a drop. Sometimes comedy isn't funny is a great t-shirt. You want to bring up some shit from 20 years ago. You're doing a theater tour. You're talking about opening for him? You know how bad I want to bite his hand right now?

His AOC hand? Yeah. Listen, here's the thing. Get over it. He was abusive to us many years ago. I wasn't abusive. Horribly abusive. to us. I'm going to say this. Yeah, he's

drawing less now than he was then. I was abusive to him first. I was abusive to you a few times. I've never done anything to you. Yeah, that's a lie. Name one thing. Chicago Airport. You called me and he named the place. screamed at me because I can't go through the Chicago airport without thinking

about it. Hang on a second. Hang on a second. He talked about it like it was your birth chart. He was like it was September 17 1995. I'll give you the high date location, dude. Let's go back. Age sex location. Let's go back. Your moon was in fucking

Sagittarius. It was Mercury's and retrograde. Let's go back to that one incident, because I don't remember it because I black out when I read. Yeah, you do. Fuck. Let me, let me so we're hearing my side. Keep black side. It's like, yo, motherfucker. I'm mad, yo. I go, I don't understand

abonics, Bobby. Motherfugger. Bobby, what, what it do? I don't know what it do. I'm trying to understand what it do. Let me ask you a question. Because we hear. my side. I just snapped. Because I just, you were being,

Hey, buddy, how are you? And I went, who la, blah, blah. You went like this. For nothing. Get away from me. What, what, what did you do? I guess hosted a, you know what, dude, episode. Yes. And on it, I did. Did you give plugs for somebody else you were featuring for? Yes. I remember this.

What was it? What was it? You got so mad, and it's so funny now that, like, I host big podcasts, I was like, that's crazy. Just let them do a date. Can I tell you right now, I'm going to also, I understand where he's coming. Why, who were you featured? So, here, I was guest host.

I remember this. I remember this. This is the side. Every fan gets, Bobby's a fucking psycho. We never get the other side. So let's, let's hear the other side. Hold on. I was hosting.

He's about the macho man out. Oh, don't do, don't wiggle your fingers like that. That's a full moon for me. Wiggling fingers. What are you doing with your fingers? Got me. I was hosting, I was a guest hosting, you know what, dude. And I was, and this is where I understand, I'm a prefaceist saying, I understand now that I'm older, kind of where your anger came from.

Right. I was opening for Anthony Jesselnick at the Wilbur Theater. Oh boy. And you, the year was like, it was like 2011, 2012. And I said, hey, I'm going to be opening for Anthony Jisselnick at like at the Wilbur Theater on this date. And we do the episode. And the episode comes out. and I'm in the Chicago airport flying home,

and I get a call from you, and you're like, what the fuck, dude? What the fuck, dude? And then Keith is on the phone. And you go, I got Keith on the phone, and Keith goes,

you really did it. You really fucking did it. And you're like, you're going to plug a fucking show the same night I have a show. You were at the Wilbur at the 8 p.m. I was the juzzle neck on the 10 p.m. But I had no idea.

Oh, I didn't even know that contact. Yeah, online. That's important. Hang on. That's better. That's coming back. Hold on, I'm, Bobby, we're in your back. I buried it.

It's coming up. Bobby, don't even say anything. Put it right back on to that little. I'm a volcano. No, let it out. Clear out the closet. Get it out. Let me get it out.

Shoot. Let me get it out. I was on Dan side until I found out that Bobby had a show at the same theater. At the same place. Which I, in my defense. He needs no help from fucking him. In my defense, no idea Bobby was there on that eight o'clock. Nobody did it wasn't plugged.

Like, Jesselneck needed help from any. Oh, he was, by the way, white hot at the moment. Sold out. Sold out. Already sold out, by the way. You're just doing a brag plug. No, I didn't. I wasn't.

It was a brag plug. It was a brag plug. It was a brag plug. It was a brag plug. You didn't need your shit. White Kennedy had 2,200 followers at the time. You didn't need your shitty plug. It's the Eddie Murphy divorce joke where he goes in 7-5.

I go, don't worry, Anthony. I plugged it. He goes, he's like, on what? I understand you want to let people know you're doing good shit, big shit. I love pussy so much. He's like, too. bad the shows sold out.

All hot women that I love. Can you stop talking that slowly when you get to the end of the sentence? He goes, what do you want for dinner tonight? I want cheeseburgers. Just get to the point. But I didn't know it was your show

and you called and you're like... But you have to know, too, that it wasn't a real yell because here's why. Dude, you were. No, it wasn't a real one. Because Keith was there. Because Keith was there.

Yeah. If I'm, it was a, it was a fucking... It was a bit. That was a bit. I don't know. You took a bit. So that's the only one thing that you got was the bit. You bit the bit.

That was another example you could come up. No. No. Bobby screamed to me a lot. No, there wasn't. Not one time. Going to, being late in the hotel lobby. I like you more than that.

I like you more than them. Okay, thanks. That's all I wanted to get. To this day? No. It's not to this day. Stop high fiving with the same hand. That's not how you high five.

What are you talking about? Match. Match it. You don't do that. Match it. Match it. What do you mean? You go cross?

You go cross? Yeah. What is this rule? What is it? Yeah, but what happened? Your thumb is all flopping on the outside of the hand. Hey, guys, guys, real quick, guys, real quick, your collar got smaller. Good for you.

Thank you very much. That's very nice. I thought you were doing another rhyme. I thought that your collar got smaller. I go, well, holler. You're weaning it down. It's not regular collar, but it's nice. It's just one brand of shirt.

It's not that's the same hand. It's not your, like, face. You're facing the same. What do you want to do, dude? We're on on mic. Yeah, you can't go cross. I mean, do like fist bump or something. All right.

Look at how feminist this is. Hey, Dan, all right. I love that. I love it. It was great. That was great. That was a great. That was felt really good.

You know the satisfying videos where they're like this great pain off a bucket? That's what that felt like. Yeah, why don't you undo something that's a perfect zigzag. Oh, oddly satisfied. That was a good one. Now watch this. Now watch this one. What are you power washing?

I hate it. I hated that. I hated that. I didn't even like it. I'm comfortable. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're not doing that, though. We were doing that.

We would fucking be like, bang, we go like that. That's better. That's fucking gay. Do his way. Very effeminate. It's gay. Gay. You should kiss.

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I look at dude, I'm a fucking psycho And I'm trying But do it as, do it as blackout Bobby Motherfucker Who the fuck's buzzer? Who be buzzing? I, I, dude, I just It's, it's, look it dude

You're gonna know, you know, you don't know You're never gonna know But he doesn't it some way He does because he lives with a girl, right? You probably have these moments of You know what I mean? But it's like being the guy Like my wife's a stay-at-home mom

She wanted to be a stay at which we have the kid I'm staying home. I'll go I'll go do you do all this shit I'll do all this shit we split it right we put dinner on the table we do she cooks it but it's I just had a fucking

it was like a moment like I was sitting on the couch I just drove back all the way from fucking New Hampshire and here's the thing when you're a dad I have to wake up first I got to do all the shit I got to wrap up you're not getting

you're not being able to relax I got to tarp the boats I got to put all the stuff away whatever she tells me to do she's doing stuff too I'm not I'm not taking anything away from her she's doing a lot You know, and then we get in the car. I got to drive. People want to pee.

They want food. I got to stop. I got to get gas. I got to make sure we're going the right way. I mean, the whole way home. Finally get home. We fuck. I sit down.

I take my stuff. I mean, you use GPS. I'll give you everything else you said except for that. I'm going to figure it's a map out. I'll tell you. Dude, I'm going to get a button. There's a thing, no. I don't use GPS.

I think we're going through enemy territory. I don't know. There's a lot. I don't use GPS. I use landmarks. No, stop it. But even GPS. You got to look at it.

You got to follow it. I hit the willow tree. I went too far. No, what is this? We got to go three clicks back southwest. This is why I have a tracking dove. Hold on, dude. Give me a piece of grass.

It's like, what's a click? What's a click? It's how Black Al Bobby talks. That's crazy. That's really Black Albaugh. It's a clickometer. What is a click in the actual units? A kilometer.

It is a kilometer. You know football? A kilometer. That's a long way. Yeah. thousand meters and i would walk a thousand kilometers would be a very long way and i wouldn't walk one thousand i'm pretty sure about that i just did i just did a deep die you know i will go repeat that i just i just heard five marines going there's no the fucker yeah you uh listen so anyways last

night i'm sitting on the couch and i'm like it man you don't understand as a parent how many times you have to say no stop don't oh my god you know like and i was fucking from kindergarten i was telling Lewis is till, you know, I think 13 to my second stepdad was fucking punched hit, slapped, stupid, fucking idiot. My mom was hit. My sister was hit. This is hot the way you're describing it. My mom was held on the bed. She was stuck in a playhouse. Spitting her mouth. There's no way to get her out. I'm trying to be serious. I know, but it's all right. So anyways, I'm trying. Serious Joe. I'm not trying. I don't want to fucking stepdad. Your second stepdad. You came to believe dad. came to believe in a power higher than ourselves.

I didn't get it yet. I didn't... Well, not, hold on. If he was trying to be serious, technically, that's not a bomb. Yeah, that was a confusion bomb. That was a flashbang. Maybe we should... Second step to have the second step.

I'm on the pockets right now. Step two. I'm looking at Lewis, and Lewis is like, get up, and there's this dirt coming in. No, I said, get up! Get up! Damn! This way! Woo, yes.

Lois, yes. Hardy Har, but Dan and Lewis should know the 12 steps. I'll just say that. You're fucking addict, pieces of shit. Get help. Flashbang us. We're just confused. What happened with the rights?

No, no. Joe through a flashbangs. I'm about a 12 step. Next thing I know. God damn it Good point garden By the way So anyways

I was sitting on the couch Watching the football game The Pats of a great game Great game Great game Don't know all the stats Sorry about that Dan But I'm enjoying

I'm enjoying the bottom line I'm enjoying the game A lot It's a fucking great game Yeah you guys are way better Than people thought They're gonna be And you guys beat the bills

Which is fun I like the new coach too He's cool He's to play for the team Yeah He's a fucking badass he's a badass and he played for us when we were killing it you know what I mean so

anyways um I'm doing and Matt you know he's got to go to bed here's the thing it's like no stop you gotta go to bed there's all this pressure building I'm not good with anxiety yeah I was talking I have that ADHD anxiety once anxiety comes up I get into once two or three things happen if you have ADHD

two or three things go wrong you're like all right I'll go to jail now I'm willing to give everything up and like you know how it's like because I'm not dealing with three things going wrong You know how psychotic I look when I walk my dog and I have three things going on and I'm just talking it out

and people are just walking down there and I'm walking a dog going you fucking yeah I'll fucking kill you and I'm trying to fit into this cul-de-sac but I just don't because I know they hear me going fucking run it. And anyway I'm sitting on the couch

and it's all and everything's quiet and I literally said you know Max you got I'll give you 50 minutes. Oh you're perfect it's already coming up you're already getting upset. This is so funny. By the way this happens to me When I start getting upset, I start going like,

I don't know, I just burnt. Paco, go get me tums. So, and cookies. Max just throws something at me. Max threw something at me. You flicked a booger. It wasn't a bugger. It wasn't a bugger.

First of all, if it was a booger, he goes, if it was a booger, I would have grabbed it, and rolled it on my appellate. I would hate it. The idea, I just don't know why I picture Max just being like, Dad, you make me fuck. fucking sick. He's just flicking.

He goes, fucking at your feet. Lewis, he's like, you're going to go to bed 15 minutes. He just pours water on the carpet?

No. You got to, Dad, you got to go to the bathroom and get a napkin, bugger face. I want to clean yourself up. The worst part is,

he flicked it, but look it, man, this, my, what did he flick? Yeah, I don't know. It was something, it was something heavy.

Something he had in his hand. Maybe, it might have been one of those, you know, those things, your twist ties? Yeah. Might have been something like that.

But anyways, it's, it's always been a thing with me. If you hit my head at all, because he used to fucking, yeah, you were abused. He used to go, get the fucking, like, I mean, like, I mean, jarring, not only scare me, but physically just jar me. I was in high school. My art teacher, Mrs. Dee, I loved. Sure. She saved my life.

She got me a scholarship. She got me, like, to graduate shit. She got me credits I didn't deserve to get through high school. Yeah. To get out of the rubber. I loved her. She came in one day. Just, I'm in there drawing something, and she came in and went,

what are you doing? And jokingly hit me. I picked a fucking chair up and threw it at her. Damn. I just, well, what the fuck? Bobby Knight. It just came out. And I had to apologize.

I was just joking. It was a thing, man. I had to, like, sit with her. Your brush. I had a sucker. You're like a wrestler. You hit it with a chair? Throw salt in her eyes.

My God, dude. My God. Fucking Bobby Wilcoe's over here. Bobby who? Steve Wilcoe. He throws chairs. He said wokeos, but I got it. I said, Wokos.

Yeah, that's all right. I don't know who that is. Listen. So I, he, and I was like, I mean, what are you like, like, what do you do? And he went, dude, he called me dude. He went, dude. So that's the second thing. The first thing is throwing him yet.

The second thing. He's one thing away from fucking killing this kid. All right, bud. He goes, dude. Because, look, we spend a lot of time together. I mean, every day we're fishing, we're hanging out. I get it. He gets a little too comfortable.

Yeah. And I've told him, look, I'm not your dude. I'm your dad. It ain't happening. You call me dude when you're paying your own rent. He's like, it's one sound off, dude.

Yeah. It's close. Yeah. I did think about it. Dude, dad. I would have absolutely gone, I did say, Dad.

You just heard her wrong. I would have gone, I said, Dad, I said it like this. Yeah, you host that podcast. You know what, Dad? You know what Dad? You know what?

That's Max's podcast when he comes out. You know what, Dad? That's funny. You know what, Dad? So he called me, dude. He was like, dude,

this is what I don't like. I don't like, told them this a million times you are going to fuck up all the time i don't care yeah that's probably the first mistake you made just admit it literally there's no rules in this house the only rules are there are no rules they just see you know max i don't care i don't murder somebody i'll cover it up for you i don't care no i just admit it don't lie about it don't cover it up beyond i go honesty is more important than anything with me that we have some type of relationship that you can come to me with anything you did so I can be

there with you and back you up and get you through it and he goes dude he goes dude I didn't mean it dude I go you flicked it in my face don't just own it and then he he stood up he was like dude he goes he goes I go don't call me dude number one and then he stood up and I go

are you out of you oh and this was the moment that Bobby realized Max was exactly two inches taller in it holy shit you've been drinking your milk dad why did I call you dad You're dude, I'm dead I'm lost in the dog I'm the dad, sorry I didn't mean to disrespect you

Your house, you are rules, dude You stood up, you became the dad I'm the dude, I got it It's very close Dude, I can't I can't wear his shoes anymore Really? 12?

Oh wow His size 12 shoes? I'm an 11 Yeah You serious? I'm an 11 and we wore The thick 11 I'm a wide

I'm more of a 10 and a half If you're gonna be, let's be honest because I told you my thing's honesty is 10.5. 11 to fit, right? And he's a 12. He's a big kid. He's a big kid.

He wears size 12 shoes? Yeah, he's going to be. I was wearing size 13 when I was in 8th grade. Yeah, 8th grade I was already 12 or 13. Yeah, he's 7th grade. He's a 12. He's going to be big. He's going to be a big kid.

I get it. But it was just this thing where it's like, you know, look, when we grew up, too, I grew up, I'm a lot older than you guys. It was a thing where you don't shut, you know, my uncles would be like, Like, are you out of your fucking... Oh, I mean, no, no, trust me.

I think we caught that. Okay, we were in that generation, 80s, 70s, 80s, where it's like... Stood up, there's a big fucking problem. Big fucking problem. But you're not in our generation. I should point this out. I said that. Yeah, you're saying that.

I was the one saying that we did go through that. I said, no, I understand that. I was a little earlier than you. But 80s... It was still there. 80s and the 70s are very similar. Step-dads really didn't like when you stood up back in the 90s either. Especially step two dads.

Whoa. Came to believe in a power higher. than ourselves. Greater than ourselves. This guy's working the book. So, so anyways,

I, I, he, he was, he was like, I, you know, blah,

and then we went into the wife, and when the wife gets, you know, the ref. Look, when she goes, you need to relax, that does the exact opposite to me.

Yeah, that's stop yelling. You need, this tone, ready? I can only relax one way, wife. That's right. That would fucking relax me

if I got that once in a while. How but you just suck my fucking, suck me or get out of my way. I would love getting my dick sucked. I wish I could, anyways. We're going to make a shirt that says suck me or get out of my way. So if you start flipping out of me. I thought she starts sucking you.

Again? For realsies this time? The bane of my Twitter existence. Anytime we call it anything gay on Twitter, just eight people in me like, yeah, what, like gay like this? Oh, yeah. So just start flipping out. can you flip out

Bobby just fucking let him flick boogers at your face what's your fucking problem Hey hey hey hey You need to relax Oh the big one the big one The I need you to Oh so Lewis was Bobby Oh sorry I thought you were being done

He's fucking flicking boogers on my face Don Hey hey it's just a booger Yeah it's on my fucking It's on the tip of my nose Don That's what boogers come from Chill out you need to settle down honestly bobby this is working on me i think she's yeah i'm getting calm right now

this seems like she had a rational she comes in like a zoo trainer with a like a dangerous animal she's like if she had a malamore i would have calmed down allow me to ask you this what would have been a better way for her to it's no better she did the right thing he did he's fine he's 12 i'm a fucking idiot

and i and because we've been digging up this shit yeah because we've been digging up this shit because I went from having a kid to literally once I had the kid it sucked out all it gave me empathy when you get empathy as a stand-up all of a sudden you care about shit it's like it does suck you spend 40 years of your life

having no empathy yeah and then one day you're like what I care about things no you guys are real sociopath no I'm not caring about stuff yeah I mean dude that's crazy when I first met Don I could leave her on a fucking whim Damn, you should have been an assassin.

I could have been. I would have been a great assassin. Government killer. I thought you got big. Can I say something? I've actually dreamed about that. Like just being that guy, like just being, having nothing, nobody, and just getting paid to murder people. Yeah, but that second fat would have messed with it.

Yeah. I would have been a perfect assassin. I would have done spray. He'd go, he's boring. I would have done fat people. Can I poison their food? I can poison their food again. Robert?

No. We got you in this blow dart. Dude, I can't exhale. Dude, dude, I think I'm going to shoot the dart too early, dude. I fucking get Huffy upstairs. When I try to hold my breath, when I take the shot, I start to pass out a little bit, dude. What if I'm getting hungry? Can I poison their food?

What if I go to lasagna? What if I go to lasagna with him and I put plutonium in it? There you go, again, you're going to get sick. It's my name, the plutonium assassin. And then I'll have the full meal. I'll do it at the end so I can enjoy the meal. Yeah, how about we do it on Thanksgiving? I think this is a good idea.

I only do half the lasagna. Dude, can I get this to go? All right, I got to do something now. No, but it's, it was, it was, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, I can't, I'm trying to, and my, so what happened in the moment when Don's telling you to calm down. I left. Good. He left, but here's a bad thing.

I don't want to teach my kid, you leave. No, you let, you, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, excuse yourself in a situation. Bobby put, Bobby put it, Bobby put on his tiny shoes and walked out of the head. He goes, hey, Dad, hey, dad, your doll shoes are by the door. First of all, I put on Max's shoes, and you heard me clapping away like,

look, click, and click. Where's my shoes? It's a little tiny footprints in this. Hey, mom, I can hear Dad coming back up the stairs. It sounds like a squirrels running up the driveway. Either we have an alive doll or dad's home. Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

It's a good guy, doll feet from Chuckie. Hey, I don't, I, you understand, me and Max, this weekend, dude, we went, I mean, we were fishing, we were hiking. We hiked up a mountain on the Kangamangas, brought these little fly rods, and there's a little river. The Kangamangus? It's a highway in New Hampshire. And we, well, you said it like, we should know what it is. It was for him. Yeah, and the other people who are.

You know, the Kangamangas? Didn't he take over part of Asia? They say 90% of Asians come from Kangamangis's blood. King of Benga Bengas is fucking. I think my great, great, great, Gemma, the fuck, Kay Mangas. Part Mongolian because Panga Benga's eyes.

You look like Kinga Mangas. So, anyways, I immediately, I left and as soon, I call, because we have... You called the Lewis hotline. I called the Anger Hotline.

Are you having to blow up? Are you about to lose your shit? Ah, that's it. If you don't want to hit your kid, press one. Yeah. If you do want to hit your kid, press two. Hey, you're probably in a spin-out. It's Louis J. Gomez.

Don't forget to check out. This is one of our sketches. What is it? The Yukon Foxx? The sketch finder. Oh, yeah, you're the prospector. Oh, we got ourselves a new t-shirt. I got coffee, and I got a hotline.

Oh, body's angry. If you're walking down the Kangamangus angrily alone right now, press three. Are you rollerblading home from 9-11? Press three. yeah but it's it's it's just uh you did the right thing we had a fucking i mean you gotta understand a sick weekend like i mean we're fishing uh on sunday this kid throws up i go one more cast he throws it out catches a fucking two pound bass it's like we're fuck who i mean it's crazy at that moment

you go there's nothing wrong that can go this weekend can't go wrong flat tire flat tire i know you heard it and i went like this immediately Louis immediately There's nothing The rims all bent Sparks shooting up It's done All right

I thought the good weekend I think was gonna be a good man Can I just say This is why this podcast is the best There's no other podcast Would ever acknowledge A flat tire You would just let you get away with that

Dude the best one was when I did A bad joke about Sarah and Joe Like 30 minutes later he goes I didn't say shit when that jokes sucked And you're like Yeah the shit It didn't really suck It's just coming back to it

Bob, this is when Bobby calls me. He's just in the moment of anger, he's looking for like some friendship and just a moment to vent about our shitty kids and lives. Oh, hi, my sweet little prince and I are watching the movie. He's sitting on my lap. I don't think I've ever felt close. Hey, sorry, I was just dropping about eight forehead kisses

on my boy. Anyways, what's going on? Exactly, exactly. Sorry, you came to the pepper meal. I was just fucking letting him go on James' for him. Lewis, I'm expecting to get Lewis fucking heated about something. Hey, I was just chewing on a bar.

Hey, we're just teasering my own neck. What's up, bro? Sorry, I thought a shadow was an animal, so I chased it around my backyard. I'm expecting. I want that. Hold on. Hangary ball. Hold on.

Bees using the laser pointer on me. I'll be right back. It's back again. I'll get you red dot. That pesky red dots back in my house. Petrus goes, anyways, I think we're going to Jamaica again this year. I'm just, I'm expecting that, that fucking Louis J. Gomez

and I get Lewis. I don't get the Jay or Gomez. I get Lewis. You get Louie. I got Louie. I get Louie. And he's like, he literally's like, hey buddy, what's happening? He was so gentle. He's like, hey, buddy, what's happening? I'm just sitting with Louie. What,

what did you call him? James. No, you said, you what you said Jamesie? Jamo? Might have said Jamesie. Because you call him Jamesy. Oh, no, yeah. I think you said Baby James. Maybe. He went, baby James. I'm putting him in bed a few minutes. So what's happening? watching a movie we're watching we're watching we're watching get out oh wow it's fun yeah it's a good

movie great movie great movie great movie for kids because it's not it's really just not that bad it's scary in a way that you go yeah oh it's creepy it just makes you fucking think it's locked up yeah white people are bad shout out little rel though he's great oh boy here we go here we go republican news max bobby well you know if you look at the facts he's been getting too much kumia math in his brain it's hard you watch kumi for fucking four seconds and you're like We're fucking all dying. He's a great hawker. Did you guys see the P.T. Anderson yet?

No, I haven't seen... Still no? No. What? I haven't gone to... Sorry we don't go to the cinema all the time. Anyways, we, uh... I called him and he was...

I did want to say... I literally turned around and went home. I just went home, brought him all in the bedroom, and I killed... Dude, this is an annihilator story where you annihilate your family. I'm free. So, you know, now I... I guess... I'm both Dawn and Bobby.

I'm gonna be zooming in from prison. Also, I did bury the bodies. I want you guys to know where it is on the podcast. I went in immediately, I just said, look, you're right, I'm wrong, I fucked up, blah, blah, blah. And me and Max, what did Max say? Max come over and just hug me. Ah, did you almost cry? Almost.

He put a sign on his back that said, kick me. He goes, you stupid fuck, you were never supposed to get close. Abuse now is much more complicated. kick me on gay Don fucking does it just kicks you right up your shit I am I am tempted to take him out of Igor Gracie's Jiu-Jitsu

Yeah yeah especially for the teenage years Let him re-find it when he's 19 and out of the house Anyway no I just went in I was like you know It's because I called him like this is dumb I went back in and I was like look I have a fucking I'm dealing with it and I overreacted on that And I shouldn't have and I love you both to death And I'm sorry and you know

We all gave a big hug, and then I went down, and I took Max. This is a funny thing about kids. They forget. They move on quick. Well, and then it usually shows back up in there again. Remember the substance abuse? The whole cupboard in our stomach. That's caused by parents.

It's like, they forget quick. Ten minutes ago, Bobby's like, my father used to hit me in the head, and now I shoot somebody if they'd come near my face. Yeah, you know, if I smell lemons, I get aggressive. So it used to be eaten with lemons. They forget quick so I can enjoy the rest of my night. Yeah. So I can watch the fourth quarter.

no I yeah it was a fucking it's a weird it's having a dad man being a dad and trying to be a fucking good dad is the hardest thing I've ever that's why most of them leave families that's why we're all here it's fucked up it's really hard to do it's the only thing that was easy for me being a dad being a good dad yeah it was the only thing that made me go like I can just do that and not and I have fucked up obviously yeah but you know I told you this I'm a great dad too but it is hard like because there is like I think you're a better person so your goodness is spread out thinner because I'm such a shitty person and happens to shitty person all of my goodness just goes into that one way I have this giant

amount of good for you you know I've got a surplus of good that I haven't ever tapped into tiny baby do you want this giant surplus of good it's really funny that you haven't been good did I told you I fucking I didn't yell at him but it was fucking it was a rough one he forgot his cell phone on the plane like we left and we get out like I'm looking at the outside like where the cars are like the Uber's waiting I'm like looking at the door right you know right before you get out of the airport there's this is a new thing the past couple years it's just like some weird glass doors that open and fucking whatever that is I don't know what that is shut on me one time and I was very it's like once you get through that door you can't go back in but I was going through that

door and James like oh my phone and I was like the Uber's right down those stairs I'm looking right through this glass I just lost it I was like oh you know it was huffing and puffing but not trying to yell at him. So now I'm suppressing it so it's coming off even more like a fucking tea kettle with a fucking cap on. And I'm just huffing and puffing

through the airport and he's like got tears in his eyes because he feels so bad. And I apologize about this probably two or three times a year now. Dude, page 417, acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

What he's doing? This guy's hitting. But as I'm going through the airport to go back to the plane to get his thing all the way to, you know, it's like the last fucking terminal. It just couldn't be any further away. I'm literally just huffing and puffing

and I get recognized twice while I'm being... That's it? Just being a shitty dead. Only twice? They go, Lewis. What's going on? And you're like, no. My kids are fucking idiot. That's what's going on. I go, okay. My small boy forgot a thing.

Call your own hotline then. Hey, it's just Lewis? Press one. If this is Lewis. If this is Lewis, hit eight. It's me. It's me. Hit eight. can I speak with someone can I fucking speak with someone

it's uh it's fucking it's very it's hard man because especially the first you know 20 15 years 20 years of comedy it's such a selfish it's just us

you know what I mean just us and now it's like there's so much pressure it's like my wife wanted to move to the town you know where Martha Stewart lives Jesus was that her was that her idea she was going to live in the same town as Martha So we're, you should leave her. She loves craft.

She, no, she wanted, because of the school, whatever. It's, it's, it's, well, it's all fucking bullshit, and I fucked up, and it sucks. But is it over? Like, when you woke up, there was no residual. No, no, no, no. But with me and my wife, there is. Really? Oh, yeah.

You understand, bro. Even if you walk back in and when I fucked up, that was big. Make her blow you. No. Make her blow you, dude. Blow me. Are you fucking. Mutual masturbation.

You guys don't, you. I love that. No. That's what I do when I have an outbreak. You can put her underwear on and jerk off like Ed Gein and the new... It's Ed Gein. Wow. Gein.

Is it a Gein? You're thinking gynecologist. Oh, that's right. I have to go to the gyne. Ed is your gynaecologist. Is it Geen? Ed Gein, yeah. I heard it's very inaccurate.

Yeah. Really? I only watched the first episode as I went to sleep last night. I've been watching the, uh, no, the, uh, the, Ethan Hawke. I love Ethan Hawk. Lo-down on, uh, on Hulu. Yeah, it's fun. You like him because he talks in fucking artist code.

I do love his way he talks in poems. Yeah, he's great. Hey, man. What if he was really a hawk? Somebody do a hawk, like. Oh, that was that bad one. That's great. Ethan?

Ethan? Ethan? Let's get some of those thin cookies. Those were fun. Those were fun cookies. I can't eat. Dude, I put on 22 pounds in the minute in the public this weekend. Oh, you're there?

You were in the DR? I was in DR. How'd you go to when? Why do you go to? Hold on, real quick. Why do you go to islands to fatten up? You just go down to a tropical. I think he has to.

I think because of his heritage, he has to go back and fatten up. His blood? Yeah. He's like, I need the chicholones. I need the... No, I went to... So we're scouting for Skank Fest. We're doing a resort takeover.

We're looking at either... Whoa! Mexico or... Like the cartels do? You're going to cut people's heads off? Yes. Don't go to Mexico. Well, D.R...

Look, D.R... Can you go to, like, fucking a nice place? Like a ruba? Do a ruba. It's Dutch-owned. Oh, you don't think a girl's gonna go missing at that festival? I know what island you should take over?

Manhattan. So we're doing a resort takeover. The Louis just ignores everybody. Well, it was all terrible suggestions. But D.R. was fun. It was a hard rock hotel and casino resort. So literally there's not, I didn't have a single bite of Dominican food. I just ate fucking Greek food and Italian and Japanese.

Doing a resort is just being a fat Midwesterner and being like, I'm going to go to a country and just eat, I'm going to experience none of the culture. Dominate the country. It's one of the craziest things ever. It was fun. Like, I enjoyed it. But I think the DR resort was a little too spread out. It's so everything will be... God forbid you make skank fans walk.

It's too far. It would be like a half a mile from the beach to the restaurant. That deserves more. They should walk. I think it were heard. You should get them to walk in. No, it's going to be fucking just golf carts fucking zooming in everywhere.

Oh, those crashes? A bunch of cratim crashes on golf carts. People nodding off. Mexico. It's just a golf cart leaning on one side because too fast. fat chicks with tattoos are on it. Mexico was a better facility for the event. Yeah, but it's dangerous. It's all resorts. None of it's dangerous.

You like a resort. I don't know. I don't like a resort. I can't believe we're resorting to this. You don't even, you don't even listen to what I say. I'd never go to resorts. You always go to a resort. I'd never go to Jamaica. Jamaica. I'd never go to Jamaica. I go to a private chef. I'm not a resort. Whoa. That's a private resort. It's not a private resort. It is. If you look it up, it's private. If you look at what a resort is technically. This is why your son flicks boogers in your face. It's not a booger. That's not it at all. That's not covered two. It's not a resort, dad. You're watching Patriots. He goes, that's not

covered two. That's what started it. He goes, it is because the fucking safety. A villa is not, uh, and of course, who's that, Paco? Inherently. Paco, I hope you die. I do. I hope you die today. Well, it's not a resort. It's a house. I know, but he never brings anything up quick, ever. Yeah.

Unless he's proving me wrong. Now type in. That sucked and I love it. Please, Paco, go ahead. Talk about how I made you sleep outside again, you've dumb. No. Whoa. Filipino. Hey, dude.

I was trying to, I was trying to point guard Joe. Oh, there he is. Ha, Dukin. Get me some cookie, please. Pof-av-a-for-for-a-for-va-a. So.

Asking for snacks. Paco, what were you can say? When the TVs were down, I did look up one click means one kilometer and Bobby was correct. Yeah, you didn't bring that up, quick fucking weird out. Yeah, the TVs were.

Yeah, they were up. He's a line. A kilometer. Are you lying about that, Paco? No. That was a pause. He did pause. Menopause.

So are we going to... All the fans are going to have to fly their... Are they going to get like a deal or something? Don't do that. Why? Come on. It's about a city. It's an American festival. Well, we're doing it in a city. We're also thinking about doing a resort takeover. Oh, I see. So it would be an addition to...

In addition. It wouldn't be... It wouldn't takeover a scamp fest. Still a cruise. Be a smaller. A cruise to a resort. I've thought about all these things. Lucy Breakers have a flavor capsule in each pouch. Crack it open for a wave of hydration with flavors like apple size. mint, mango, and berry citrus. I had the berry citrus.

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Whoa, guys. Come on. That's not true. He has a regular-sized mouth. It is true. Thank God, Sarah. This is like when a little person raises a normal person, you know, when they have kids and they're not little people.

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I'm going on a cruise Wednesday. Turner Classic Movies Cruise. Very excited. Cruising for cock, you f***. What are you doing? What are you doing? You're doing a real cruise you're doing? You're doing a classic movie cruise?

That's right. We're going to be the youngest ones on there. I'm excited. What with who? My wife, my son, my parents. And you know who one of the big guests is? Stephen Toblowski is how you say his name? Ned Ryerson?

Needle notes. There it is. Look at that. It's going to be me right there, baby. I was confused two things. I always say, I combine two scenes from two different movies. Tell me if you could do both movies.

I would, you were going to get the one. But I'm like, when you're right, you're right. And you're always right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. I always say that. Grandinog says the second one. What is the first one? I don't know. Hey, what are you saying?

When you're right, you're right, you're right, boss. And you, you're always right, right, right, right, right, right. Right, right, right, right. You know the first one? Come on. Come on. You know this. Is that what you make Paco say all the time? Wait. That's not Groundhog Day? That's Groundhog Day. No, the first one, the second one's Groundhog Day.

Do it again. Do it again. When you're right, you're right, boss. And you're always right. I've been saying that my whole life. What is that from? When you're right, you're right, and you're always right? You say that as a Christmas vacation? Stripes. No, Ghostbusters. One of those things. I don't know. You're right in that era. You're right in that era? Right outdoors.

Spaceballs. Barf. Oh, barf. To, um... Yeah, to, um... Yeah, to... Not the Han Solo. The, what the Han Solo.

Yeah. Yeah. There we go. You're right. You're right. Oh, damn, dude. I got to do a spaceballs rewatch. Yes.

I know we need the money. That John Candy Doc looks great. I can't wait. For money. His ears go up. For a shitload of money. Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right.

and you, you're always right, right, right, right, right. Well, no, he doesn't do that. He doesn't say right, right, right, right. Oh, you take it from the ground off. I've combined it both. Needle-nosed Ned and I. Combined it. Well, anyways, he's the big special guest on the cruise.

You're literally more famous than him. You're going to get more autographs than him, pictures. I don't know what that demo, though. I don't think there'll be a lot of... Where do you go? We go to the Bahamas, I think. This is the funniest time being on the boat. This is the funniest time to cheat on Sarah.

What do you mean? She's coming. With Ned Ryerson. Go look for pineapples on doors. That means it's swingers. Oh, yeah. Oh, I know. Upside down pineapple.

Upside down pineapple, I mean you can come on in. And then they open their old. Yeah, bring your kid. Oh, yeah, let's see. I haven't looked at this. This is exciting. Yeah, zoom in there. So do they show classic movies?

No, they show fucking, they play records. You fuck. Yeah, they show movies. But in the whole lot, you fucking asshole. You're going on a cruise to watch movies. Classic movies. They don't play movies. It is in the title.

No, I understand. that, but it's just like, what a dumb fucking reason for Bruce. You're absolutely right, but he's right, too. Yeah. Do you watch movies? After every movie, is there a Q&A with one of the stars? Is that one of the things? No, there's some experts of stuff. Look at Jennifer

Grant in conversation. This is, where'd you find this? Could you send this to me? I don't have it. Keith Carrey. Look at that. Keith Carody. Wait a minute. Heart to heart. None of these are even good movies. Is it heart to heart? A show? You're telling me, ft is not a good movie? Ninety-four?

Isn't heart to heart a TV show? That's a TV show. Oh, yeah, they're doing a TV show, getting away with Merse. This is one of bluegrass, Paris Blues. None of these are good movies. This is like you, this is like a thing you send to someone, if they're bad at Skankfest, you send them on this

crew. And I say something, too, this is all tequila tasting, margaritas, champagne. Tequila Mockingboro is going to be playing. Whiskey Tasting. This is all alcoholic shit. Tequila. I don't have to drink. I mean, Skankfest is the most fucking drug. Go now. Let's see the next day. Wait, do you see these

movies. Oh, my God. My favorite wife. Duck Boat. Sunset Boulevard. Houseboat? Midnight Cowboy rules. Wait, what's Niagara?

Lewis, don't say it. Duck soup. One of my favorite movies. There's not going to be any Niagara's on this cruise. I have a feeling that will be a midnight cowboy. They're going to be on the houseboat. They're going to be making your bed. Wait, go back up one second.

One of those movies, I'm very excited. Oh, yeah, duck soup. All the Niagara is going to make a towel elephants. The apartment, classic. In the morning. Follow the boys. These movies stink. They get Groundhog Day.

Groundhog Day with Stephen Toblowski. Yeah. Ooh. Groundhog day, by the way, not Groundhogs. Everyone always says Groundhog. Nobody says Groundhogs. You said it. Groundhog.

No. I didn't even say the movie. Oh, then, Dan said it. I probably said. I said Grandhog's Day. Crimson Tide, Des L. Washington. Pillow talk. Jesse James is a good movie.

Give a shit. The bank dick. Look at the bank dick. That's going to be fun. The bank dick What's the fucking bank dick The gumball rabbit? It's about a Jewish guy's dick

Duck soup again You double up on duck soup Do you want alone or not It's circumcised Go to live music Yeah The Eclipse You're a fucking old asshole

This is an orchestra Caryoki Trivia would rule I'm gonna fucking rip that karaoke So you think you know Hitchcock, little Hitchcock Trivia Hitchcock is in the

Edgar Oh, Carl Franken Guy Yeah, Carl Franken Nancy Kwan Hottongong All right, go down. The Sunday's the big day.

That's the day you're going to really have your head. Edward Scissorhands. These movies all sound made up besides. The Great Waldo Pepper? The steel helmet. Steel helmet. I got the purple steel helmet. The eggs and I.

Sneakers. This is not going to be any sneakers on this cruise. It's all new balance. Oh, my God. Heaven Can Wait, Movie. Heavy Can Wait was a good movie. This looks horrible. Heaven Can Wait was with, what's his name?

Yeah, that guy. Dude, how much do you hate your parents? Or a baby. That was a good movie. I hate my parents. I'm bringing the shitty crews. They're going to love it. They drink. They'll be drunk all day.

Watching shitty movies. Drunk? Can I just get drunk in home and watch shitty movies? This is the last time your son will never, thank God he's young and he can't feel boredness. Because this. It's more dumb. Yeah, you're poor. You're dumb boar?

I'll actually do it your way. There's got to be better cruises. And we have a balcony, too, dude. It was only fucking nine grand. By the way. Nine grand? No, it was less than that. I'm joking.

Maybe it was that. Oh, my God. You paid nine grand. By the way, I do want to bring my aunt on a cruise. My aunt's 88 years old, and she's terrified to go on a cruise, but I was like, this is so up your alley. Like shitty fucking cruise food, just a shitty comedian, a fucking piano bar. That is what old people need.

They're going to have comedy on your cruise. I don't think so. Yes, they are. There's always comedy. There's going to be a comedy show. Joe, do a spot. I didn't see any comedy. There's a comedy.

There's going to be. Look up if there's comedy. Yeah, there's 100%. T-CM. Email that over. Would you text it? Turner Classic movies. No, it's all movies.

They're just trying to. First of all, thanks. I know you struggled with acronyms. You said TCM and I went. You saw my dead shark eyes. Can I tell you the honest, God, truth? Yeah. As I had to say it out loud to make sure I got it right.

Where I went to Turner Classic. I got a topic, and I want to, I need your guys' advice, y'all's advice. Are you going to throw Sarah off the side of the boat? Yeah, and suck old guys off. If I say it now and it happens, it's like extra penalty. Don't put the episode out until he gets back. I need a new manager. I went to L.A.

I don't think so. Is that a game? Me and Lewis will do it together. Managed competition. Manage the competition. We'll do it together. I'll go with co-management. Team.

We'll give ourselves Jewish names. The bank dick. That's me. Louis Jue Gomez. Louis Gomesstein and Bobby Kelly Chivitz. That would be a funny scene for a sketch where we're like, or a scene where we're going to bankrupt me. You're like, you've got to pretend to be Jewish.

Come up with a Jewish name. And then you come in, you're like, hello, I'm Louis Jukh, Gomez. So I don't have a manager. I happen to be in L.A. So all the managers, I'm the hot girl right now. I'm the biggest free agent in comedy right now. For this moment. I had nine different managers.

Dude, if I ordered a hot girl and Joe showed up, I'd fucking get a refund. I'd let it jerk me off. Give me that. That wasn't a joke. I was being serious like you. But who was the, wait a minute, stop. Give me that.

Who was the biggest manager that came after you? I ever heard of them, R.J. Bucklestein. I don't know. Wasn't that a real one? Well, there was. Brilstein. Brilstein was there. Buckwold.

They told me to write a book when I met with them. I was like, what? Levedy. I had a manager say that, too. I go, like, what type of asshole would write a book? You, oh, levity, I wrote a book. Grilstein, then there was Dave Rath. What about Becky?

The big one, Becky, three arts. I don't know. That's a big one. No three arts. They weren't there, I don't think. But anyways, one of the managers was like, you didn't buy a ticket. When Ricky Veles first started getting stuff, he signed to three arts. What was Dustin's room down here?

The comedy, the Greenwich Village. It's still there. Greenwich Village. But is he still there? I think so. He was all excited. Ricky was all excited. He was like, yeah, dude, I just signed a three arts.

I was like, Ricky, you're not good at one art. That's good. That's good. Put the Bogdana in the middle. That's good. You redeemed it. Take those cuffs off. But anyways, one of the managers went, you didn't buy tickets to the Turner Classic

Movies, did you? And I was like, of course. He's like, oh, all of us have access. You could have just asked any. You could have got free. Yeah. Ho! Bet they wouldn't have got you a balcony.

What? This is not the thin ones. Crumble. Oh, this guy came to a show. This is better. These are good cookies. This guy came to a show recently. The guy who owns this chain?

Sick. This is money. Thank you. Complete cookie. Good job, Bob. I'll take a bite of that one. I'm not going to eat. For you.

So who do you think I should go with? Dan, you know the most. I don't know. He knows the most. About what? About the business. Yeah, but he knows how to get you in the talkies. I'm doing a podcast with you guys for help.

You think I like you guys? This is the biggest thing Bobby's doing right now. My other thing didn't work out. You guys are a fail safe. Do you understand that? I set this up. It's called an investment. I shouldn't have yelled at...

I shouldn't have yelled at... I shouldn't have yelled at any of you guys. Who's your manager? Who should I go with? You know, how big this podcast would have been... If we just stayed, didn't do any other podcast. Oh, my God. And we just did this.

Oh, my God. He formed... No, but our other things blew us up. Yeah. Yeah. Not me. And also, you know, us doing a podcast once every other week, splitting four people.

have been, it's not as big as the ceiling's pretty low. Okay. Way to bring us down. Sorry. Go ahead. Who should I get? Dan.

Who, uh, who did you like? What's the guy? I don't know. What's the big guy? The little, little guy that everybody likes, but he's, you know, he's mean. He's, he's, he's, what's that guy's name? Josh Lieberman? No.

Josh Adam Myers. He's like, what is your name? It's Joe. Where do you want to perform? He goes, what do you, where do you see yourself in 10 years? But you got to sing it. I just hope I'm making good money on the road and able to make stuff that I find artistically.

I think you should be more autobiographical. Auto biographical. Autobiographical. Autobiographical. George Shapiro. No. Oh, George Shapiro came out? Yeah.

That's awesome. I'm joking. He's like 105 years old. I know, but just for this. We like the movie comedian. Who's the guy that's little calves? Oh, it's a baby. Berkowitz.

Oh, he's an agent. Oh, he's an agent. Yeah, managers. You're thinking of a baby. I love that Dan's like, you know the most about the industry, Bobby. He's like, who's David Berkowitz? He's an agent. He's an Asian?

Take that back. Oh. So they were basically like you shouldn't have bought tickets to Turner Classic Movies. But then I had all the managers. By the way, let me tell you right now. That's a very manager thing to say where they could have gone, I could have done that for you. And when I was working for anyone can have done that. They couldn't.

Could have got you at balcony. I'm a hot commodity Do you like any of them? I don't know what's to like? I don't know. You sit there, you go, oh, you bullshit. What are they going to do for you, though? It's like, managers are starting to run out of territory.

They don't have, there's no TV anymore. What can you live? I literally met with a couple, like, back in December, and they were like, what about a script dealing? You're like, what is this oath? Are you retarded? Have you ever thought about writing for the impractical jokers? What if I told you Saturday Night Live?

And you go, yeah, Saturday Night Live is a pipeline to commercials now. That's all it is. Wow. You hear that, Cam Patterson? Tell me... I thought he was very funny. Yeah. You watched it? I didn't watch it.

It was good. I didn't watch it was good. I heard people say it was me. I just watched his clip. Oh, okay. But he addressed that every single person on Earth was like, he's not going to be able to read. I thought was funny. Yeah, you know, he made a joke about that.

It was pretty funny. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Doesn't a manager just call an agent, and an agent calls your lawyer? I mean, I have a lawyer. Yeah. I do, too. Lawyers are the most...

And I can just call my lawyer and go, hey, work this deal up. Lawyers stop the dick from going in your butt. Right. The most important part. But does it go, whoa, whoa, whoa, they grab the dick and they go. So your agent gets you the audition and hooks it up. Yeah. And your lawyer takes care of the rest.

And they're the ones who deal with it, right? What does a manager do? We're all trying to do. You need a manager. I'm asking, I think they control the weather. Well, hopefully now they can help you boost your social media. They know the social media guys. They're talking to you.

Don't they have social media teams that you fire? They are just middlemen for nothing. Managers or at this point managers can like have relationships to help you make stuff. There's got to be a good. Shitty managers just do that. They're just like in the middle and then they don't do it. I mean, if you want to be on television, I think it's probably good to have a manager and an agent. I mean, an agent you need to get on television.

They're the ones who have the direct pipeline through the auditions. Yes. And the manager, the manager presses the buzzes. And I think for you to call your agent. I think the manager calls you and goes, you got it. Yeah. Right? Hey, good news.

Or they check in on it. They call back. They go, hey, how's everything? If you got a wife and a lawyer, you don't need a manager. Hello. Put that on a t-shirt. We need help. You have to sign papers for you.

Hey, can you sign this? Yeah, my manager's not going to suck my dick. Right now while they're trying to sign you, get stuff. Have them give you stuff. Like free tickets to CMC? Yes. secrets like tickets and shit like be like i want to go see pearl jam get me and show me your power but you're they have to call your agent because your agent has this is you make the manager do it though

right now you so you don't do it you don't talk to your agent your manager does no i would say right now when managers are trying to get joe get free shit i see what you mean you don't even have to sign with them just get free shit get as much free shit as possible maybe i won't get a manager yeah wow the joe's mouth is so small you don't hear him chewing because they're like the tiny little fast bites yeah it's like the wheels the wheels of a really expensive watch if you open it up inside of Joe's mouth.

You go, oh my God, is that Swiss engineering? Is Joe's mouth Swiss engineering? Doesn't need a battery. Well, last a lifetime. Honestly, and it runs smooth as shit. He could chew right to a microphone. I don't hear a thing. I chew it in a microphone. Because we run on diesel.

He's over here on clean fuel. My teeth are like the spokes in the fucking watchtower or about flat tire. Flat tire. Flat tire. Pull over. I'm not giving you the bomb d'ambana on that. I don't even know if that's a flat tire

because a flat tire is you have a line. And then you fumble it. He didn't even think of what he was saying. I don't think before I speak, the fact that I've gotten this far in the industry is fucking impressive. Yeah, you wily coyote a lot. That's what I say.

When you run out on a cliff and then you look down and there's nothing, you go, hell. Was it in South Park where they said the family guy manatees? Yeah, they just bump into thawobbles. Yeah. That's how my mind. And they go, Gary Coleman, enchiladas.

This is like the time I had enchiladas with Gary Coleman. That was the, that, that, literally that scene or that episode of South Park, Cartoon Wars, single-handedly made me never able to watch Family Guy again. It ruined family guy. I was like, oh, what a... And Simpsons. Well, the scene in the lobby where Cartman goes... What are you talking about?

They did an episode of South Park called Cartoon Wars, where South Park made fun of family guy for basically being lazy writing. And, like, it's all just, like, jump cuts to jokes. And then they made fun of the Simpsons. But it's so funny, like, Cartman, like... So they don't like each other. No, Trey Parker and Matt Stone are just like, fuck everybody. Yeah.

They just make fun. But they go to Cartman, and it's so funny because you just hear, like, Trey Parker and Matt Stone coming through the character. He's like, oh, you must love Family Guy. You just like them. It's like, I am nothing like Family Guy. And the part with Bart and Cartman in the waiting room for Fox. And Bart goes, I don't know.

I'm the worst kid in my town. And he's like, what did you do? one time I saw the head of a statue he's like oh really one time I fed Scott Federman's parents to him in a chili and he goes why don't you go first but they didn't destroy the Simpsons

that was just a great moment they destroyed family it made it made me every time I hear a family guy joke I'm like how random and dumb fucking they really do you never seen cartoon wars you have to watch it right

it's the one it's the same thing with the prophet Muhammad right that's the whole it's all part of that drawing the pop prophet so fucking they had to stop any of that they're gonna take it off because family guys gonna draw the prophet mohammed that's like the whole point yeah it's the ace yeah and then they ended up pussing out great i love family guy damn the chewing with no noises nothing he has a silencer on his mouth well i'm moving the microphone away from my mom this is his one inch

punch he's just been practicing chewing on the you have to put a stethoscope to his cheek to hear him it's like a mouth setoscope these are also very soft cookies. It's almost like a mouse's heartbeat. You have to be very quiet still. I love that he keeps giving it. It's a soft cookie. It's a very soft cookie.

And I'm pulling the mic away. You're talking about Bobby's wife? What the fuck is that? What are you doing? That's how you get her to suck your dick. He's going to get her to suck your dick. She doesn't have a soft cookie. It's a dry cookie.

There's lots of chocolate in it. You can't even put it. You can't even put it. put it in milk. There's chocolate nuts in it. I'm pumped for the TCM crews. That got me really excited. That made me so happy I'm not on that cruise.

I hope they hit an iceberg. Guys, thanks for the manager help. That really helps. You have a manager, don't you? No, I haven't had a manager. You got a manager? We have a manager. Good company, right?

Listen, but when a manager, I'll say this, when a manager is creative. They're great. They're fucking the best. I'm with a company called Range. Serpico was the best manager I ever had when he was like into me. But when they're not into you, when they're like, yeah, I'm done with you? It's the worst.

When they leave you on the side. You feel like a fat chick. You know, it was a fat guy. When they leave you on the side and they go, we'll come and get you. And you go, you're not doing anything. Oh, when they start showing attention to the other person, it's like, huh? Yeah, I talk to Big J's manager. Big Jays blowing up, right?

Adam. Yeah, Adam. Adam. Adam. He's busy. I've known him for 20 years. He was a door. Adam's the man.

I like Adam. Adam's a good guy. All right. I like Adam's a good dude. And his partner is J.P. Buck. The best guy ever made the business in my love. Who's J.P. Conan.

But you said not Bukh, Conan. Is he a bald guy? No. What do you mean his partner? I thought he was with, uh... He's gay? With the, with uh, with uh, what's her name? That lady.

Judy. Burt's manager. Oh, I don't know. Her name's Judy. Judy Blum. Are you there? Are you there? Are you there?

Are you there? God, it's me. I'm Margaret. You know the juice. She wrote Frecklejuice, right? Yeah. You know the Belger, Judy Blum's story? No.

Judy Blum lives in Key West. It's a quick story. She owns a bookstore. You can go see her. She's just at the Key West bookstore. Oh, really? I should have done. I was just there.

She should have got some Bloom time. And they're hanging out, James Patterson, Tom Dustin. Who's Judy Blum? Wait, did you say James Patterson? The comedian, James Patterson. Oh, I thought the author. I was like, how many authors live in? No, no, no.

So then John Grisham walks in. I'm having a conversation. Who is? He goes, I look over Sue Grafton. She wrote freckle juice, right? Yeah, she wrote, Are You There, God? She wrote a bunch of books for women. Tales of a Fourth Amendment.

Super Fudge. Did you say freckle juice? Fuggeomania. What's freckle juice? I don't think she wrote, Are You There, God, it's me, Margaret. Maybe she didn't write freckle juice, did she? I think she did write that book. What is freckle juice?

Type in freckle juice. What the fuck is freckle juice? It's about a kid who wants freckles. Yeah, it is. Freckle juice. Judy Blume. Shout out the Bloom, boot. She writes kids stuff.

Yeah. Dude, I should have fucked Judy Blume when I was in Key West. How was Key West? I don't know. That was Judy Blum. So they know. Are you there, Boehner? It's me, Lewis.

He comes back with freckles on this drink. I got that freckle juice. You know, you can make them, you know, you can make freckle juice, fucking squirt. Yeah. You're fucking making Jimmy Blum squirt. You'll give me that freckle juice. Give me that freckle juice. So anyways, they go, Judy Blume owns this bookstore, and Bulger goes, who the fuck is Judy Blume?

And they hear, I'm Judy Blume. She was like on the other side of the other side of the other. I'm Judy Blum. Who the fuck is Judy Blum? I'm Judy Blum. That was like when I worked backstage at Fiddler's Green in Denver. It's like an amphitheater. And they put me on, I was 16,

and they put me on the entrance to the backstage and I had to check everyone for a pass. And this expedition pulls up. It was a Kenny Rogers show. And this expedition pulls up and the driver, I go, hey man, I need your pass. I'm 16. And I go, hey, I need your pass.

And the driver goes, I don't have a pass. I go, I can't. let you back your man without a pass and then the fucking passenger seat comes up and it's he goes I'm Kenny Rogers it was just Kenny Rogers and I went holy shit you are go ahead but the way the fucking passenger seat shot

up and he went I'm Kenny Rogers it was great that give me it was in the passenger seat Dan you didn't even bomb you just hold the fun story what are you doing I hate myself no what is that? Don't you see that lunatic did you see that psychosis right there dude if Dan's not killing like murdering dude he

has such a spiral Yeah, it's a fun story, but it's like such a crazy idea that we were going to be like, Whoa! This is where the psychosis lives. Yeah, I'm just like, oh, wow. It was an interesting story. I also don't buy that he's in the passenger seat that's a little far-fetched. What?

What are you talking about? He's in a big SUV. He's in the passenger seat with the driver. Who cares? The story was awesome. Don't investigate stories. Yeah, TCM. Yeah, stop fucking...

All right, full disclosure. Judy Blum doesn't on a book story. Oh, that would make me so upset if I found out that was a lie. No, you can go there and say. here. Go talk. Go talk to you. Go up. Talk to you. I'm Jody Bloom. I haven't been fingered in 30 years. Well, here I am. Giving you some of that super fudge. Should we do plugs? Yeah. Plug it up. Plug it in. All right, let's wrap it up. No. What? Why? We have hours. We're doing old YKWU do a three-hour show.

I got to go. I got a bonfire. Who's in the fish bowl? A bombfire? Marcus King. Oh, sick. Really? That's sick. That's amazing. Is he going to do a concert for you guys? I don't know about a concert. He might do a couple. Yeah, he's bringing lights and a crew. You fuck.

Yeah, he's bringing a whole truck pulling up. We can't have, we can't have, we can only have an encore and have guests. Yeah, Kenny Rogers is opening, you fucking dumb fuck. He's dead. We can only have the people in the fishbow. We can't have outside the fishbowl because of our potty mouths. Oh, really? Yeah, they won't let us have fans outside.

We can only have 15 people And we can't have the bleachers We're gonna get the other three people Fans We got it No No Wow

Wow He just said Judy Blume with his asshole He said Johnny Dirty Bloom Let's go When does this come out? I have no idea This is out two weeks from this Wednesday Two weeks from this Wednesday

Two weeks Two weeks from this Wednesday Are you going to bring up plugs, Paco, at any point? This weekend, I'll go. This weekend, I'm in Dallas, Texas, at the improv. Very excited. Then, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Stress Factor, November 6th, 7th, and 8th. D.C. Impro, the best fucking club in D.C.

It rocks. November 20th, 21st, 22nd. And go check up my special. I got to get my special to a million. I want to get my... Yeah, get them to a millie, baby. Small ball to a million. Yeah, go check up mine.

I want to get mine to $100,000. Get, uh, and then. And then Tom Dusted Portrait of a comedian, of course. I just want YouTube to accept my special. I just, I have no love on YouTube whatsoever. God damn it. How about this, by the way, real quick. What?

If you live in New Orleans and you're a young comic with nothing to do, you want to credit in a movie, we need a PA for free, production assistant. Oh, for a round. No money. Thank you. But hold on, why would there be no money? What is? I got an intern.

Oh. I got to run around. I can get some people for you. All right. There's going to be a young comic. Well, that's a lot of the show. A new biol comics. Well, I mean, I have, like, I have people that will be at Skankfest.

Great. Even better. And that won't work to do. Go to punchup. A little low on budget. Slash up. Yes. For all his stuff.

Punchup is the fucking greatest. Sign up. Shout out. Punchup. Punchup. Punchup. It's the greatest fucking thing. That's happened.

And also, all you give is your email. And it helps us. It's like Myspace. Yeah. And we never spam. We don't, we just let you know when we're doing show. in the area. Hold on one second. It's got a text from Dante. That's what a boomer Dante is. He goes, yo, yo, kid, I'm good friends with the Punisher,

the one that was fucking Cassie and the Diddy Trial. Yeah, you got him on the bonfire. He has a book he's trying to promote. Want to know if you can get him on skanks. Give me a holler back. Let's get him on this. Then he wrote, first guest. He wrote send because he was doing a voice text. I'm going to tell you right now the oldest shit in the world. That's when I knew my mom was old when she started doing talk to text. We'd just be sitting there and she'd be like, Christmas was wonderful. And you're like, what the fuck, lady? Out of nowhere.

Oh, I see to text all the time. You do? I do talk. That's boomer shit, dude. It doesn't work. I know, it always fucks up. Always fuck it up. I'm like, I was like, all of these Niagaras are in the neighborhood.

I'm freaking out. I, um, I had the, when they had the punisher on, I thought it was the punisher from the TV show. I did. All my questions. I had all these questions. You thought you were talking to John Bernthal. This black guy walked in with a big cock and I was like, what? Who's this guy?

How's this guy going to answer about the bear? Danty was like, you think I know that guy? Yeah. What was it like being on such an iconic show? Like The Walking Dead. The guy has a big dick, though. Yeah, he did that. I saw that clip where he pumped it up in front of you.

He has a pump and his cock. He took it out and pumped it up right in front of us. And it went all the way hard. What put like a fucking Reebok pump? Wild. He uses his nut. Yeah. Squeezes his nut.

He had to get it hard. I saw the clip. Oh, God. Yeah, and he was like doing it. And then I watched Jay's face. He goes. Yeah. Like a little boy.

He's like. That was great. He's actually really interesting dude. Come see me on the road, guys. When this comes out, Chandler, Arizona's coming up, August 24th and 25th. Excited about that. We're doing some live story war shows as well.

We're doing November 11th, the Gramercy Theater. You guys have, like, a championship, like story warriors against sports. Yeah, we're doing all winners. And Joe List's wife, the only person to ever win twice besides me or two wins. And Karen, the first one to ever win without having a story picked. There's some asterisks involved in this. Big asterisk. Hello.

I'll tell you guys off air. I don't want to ruin the lore for the fans that listen to Story Wars. Oh, my Lord. Mass shooting. Oh, Jesus. She did win without having a story picked. Real quick.

But there's an asteris. Is there a mass shooting? What is it? Tell us. I'll tell you in a minute. Let me finish my plugs. Yeah, come see me live. I'm doing the end of the month. I'm going to be doing the depraved in Austin at the Creaking Cave.

I think that's Tuesday, the 27th or 28th. 28th. Thank you. You're welcome. Tuesday the 28th. And some other stuff. I'm going to be in Nashville at Zanis in December. And I'm doing New Year's Eve.

Me and Zach Miko are doing a live stand-up show in Columbus, Ohio. And then a live, real-ass podcast reunion. Shannon's coming out. We're bringing special guests. That's awesome. It's going to be a blast. Come out to all those shows and more. Brand new tour for this year, brand-new material.

So, yeah, keep checking that out. My new special is coming out at the end of October as well. So look out for that. My book, Knives and Spoons, officially pushed back to a January or February release date. But it will be released. least, and it is available for pre-order right now. And, yeah, just go to Lewisofskanks.com. Check out Story Wars and Legion of Skanks and Solo podcast, Lewis Journal podcast.

And come to Skank Fest for us. You can get individually pass for Friday and Sunday. Everything else is all that. All the all access, all the Saturday passes. Come to Sunday. Come to Sunday. That's when we're doing the live regs. If you're a regs fan, just come Sunday.

I'll be on no sleep, just having a good time. Hell yeah. No sleep till fucking New Orleans. No sleep till I fly back to New York on Monday. Danny. October 24th, I'm going to be in Providence, Rhode Island, at the Uptown Theater. Oh, the new club. It's the, what?

Is it their new theater they bought? I think so. That's awesome. Because I told the promoter I wanted to work with them. Corey and Dave. I might shoot my special there. Nashville, Tennessee, October 25th, I'm going to be at the Polk Theater. And then Texas, November 7th, I'm going to be at the Empire Theater in San Antonio.

and then November 8th, Paramount Theater in Austin as part of the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. Go to Dan Soder.com to get tickets. I also think we're going to start selling some T-shirts at these shows. You might do it. So you can get a... What's a shirt going to say? It's a golden retriever.

It's a golden retriever. It's a little... No, thick collar. Regular color. Dude, you should sell thick collars. You're right. We still haven't picked out the shirt, so maybe I'll pivot. You should get a thick collar golden retriever shirt for a little, like $10 extra. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude.

But Dan soda... Chew toys for the dogs. Do a little Dan Soder Chew Toy, your head? Too big for their mouth. Yeah. Dan Soda.com for tickets. Don't go to Google. Go to Dan Soder.com for tickets. Google will fuck you.

Trust me, Google will fuck you. Go to Dan Soda.com. Go through the link right there. I'll go to punchup.com. Punch up.com. And you can watch the stuff that I have up there. But Dan Soder.com. Go to Triever Comedy Tour.

Thank you very much. Go to punchup. dot live slash Robert Kelly for all my dates. Comedy on Carlson this weekend with, I think, Joe's going to be with me. Versanis down in Florida the weekend after that. And then side spitters,

the weekend right after that. So I'm a Florida boy for a whole week. Yeah, get that tan, dude. Bobby coming back. Fucking Chris. Emmanuelus. Is that how you say it? Emmaus.

Amas theater. The place is great. I think Paco's coming over with that and the other boys coming. Of course, Skagfest, all that. So, and comedy connection. Uncle Vinnie's McCurdy's, all this stuff. Comedy Vault, which I love, Chicago.

Punchup.com, dot, live, slash Robert Kelly. And do me a favor. Go to my YouTube page. YouTube.com slash at Robert Kelly comedy. My special is up there. Killbox and my special live

at the Village Underground is up on Punch Up. So go watch those things. And that's it. Boom. I can't believe Stavros is in this movie. It's crazy. Which one? The Yorgos movie.

Emma Stone. Oh, yeah. Must be one of the best movies of the year. I love him. Didn't you go to Venice for the film? Yeah. He's got his arm around her.

Yeah. Crazy. He's also going to be. to be in the new Bourdain movie. That's cool. He's going to play a... Ham? A brisket.

Yeah. A lot of comics. I'm glad this Riyadh thing is almost over. Yeah, and everyone will just forget about it. Everyone's going to forget about it. Who gives a shit? I agree. Who fucking cares?

So what? So what? That's what I think. I think a lot of the people that are complaining are yelling, are upset. Well, some of them are doing it. I think the people that are, a lot of people that are being very too vocal about it

are one of those people that are capitalizing on situations where you go, well, this is just for your benefit. Yeah, yeah, it's just a virtue signal. This isn't for, this isn't for me. It's weird to me that people did it, and now they're like, I shouldn't have did it. That's weird. It's just, just do, who can't, how many here?

It's like, I think Jessica's bombing out now, but it's like, Jessica, you went and performed as a gay woman in front of these people for all the gay people out there. That's great. Why she bumming out? They cut off her clit. They go, we are happy you did comedy here. You mean they tried to cover a love?

Give us your, give us it. And she went, no, give me your clit. I must take it with a sword. I think the regs next year, Riyadh, let's go. Oh, God. How much each? They would have a number. They would have a number.

By the way, just from what I've seen, they like hit everyone's number. Let's just say, I wouldn't even do it. Let's just say it right now. Regs, Rehaud, next year, 500 each. 500 bucks? 500 million. $500,000 we go, we'd do a live podcast. I don't think we're $2 million.

It's not even a debate. It's not $2 million. It's $500 each. Lewis, you would do it for fucking $50. You would. I knew that was going to. That heard of him, dude. No, I would do it for...

$1,000. How long do I got to go for? Some of these guys were there for like eight hours in the country. Yeah. But did you say... They like landed, went, did the show, and left. 30 grand. The worst part, the worst part.

is watching all the hostage videos that are coming out of, like, the festival recording Chris DeStefano being like, I love it here. I want to live here. You guys are so good. Kevin Hart's like, can I meet you next time? We should hug. We should be friends. And you're like, but I've talked to several people privately that were like, it's amazing. It was the best experience of my life. Yes. Yeah, because they're counting millions of dollars washing shit that they did. Chappelle said it was he has more freedom there than he does here. I can't believe I can talk about Charlie Kirk here, but not in America. And they go, well, there are things that if you bring up, I'll cut off your fucking head.

No, dude, everyone, it's funny because they're like... How dare you pull the reins back on soda? You go, Dan. It's just funny to watch everyone be like, dude, they're the coolest. Anyone that came back? Those guys, they're seriously awesome. You guys have no idea.

And you're like, well, they bombed us in 2001. Yeah, but they bomb us? They didn't bomb us. They flew planes into the building. And there was their citizens. But it weren't they... The conspiracy is that the government, like, funded their... Yeah, there's, like...

It doesn't take a lot to take a flying lesson. I'm just happy we could keep our shoes back on going through the... How great is that? Oh, my God. I know. Keep our shoes back on? Stupid sentence. What's going on?

You guys got some sexual tension going on? Yeah, you keep your shoes back on. Why are you doing that? It's funny. That's what he would do. That's exactly what he would do. That's what he would do. If I said, can I keep my...

shoes back on? Lewis would go. It would make sense. Lewis does bark. He wouldn't know that. That sounds would make complete sense to lose. Yeah. He goes, well, of course.

He goes, have. Keep your shoes back on. Okay. Keep your shoes back on. Yeah, they weren't there. Now they're back. You keep them back on. Yeah.

Joe, I don't understand what fucking language you're speaking. What's so weird. What are you speaking? Fibonese? I understand everything I said. You had to get a certain privilege status to keep your shoes on. That's fucking crazy. That is crazy.

That is crazy. where you go, I went and met with someone. Now I can wear my shoes. But it does bum me out that everybody, I love going by people that had to take their shoes off and their computers out, and I just walk through. Yeah, how are you not, you're not TSA? I'm not.

I don't have the, dude, I have clear, and I just haven't had the fucking, whatever it takes, mental fortitude, fucking patience to, like, get to the airport or because they do it to the airport now. My plan is this weekend, and I say this every weekend. Yeah, but then you don't get there early enough. I get it. It takes five minutes.

I've had a wart the size of my dick. on my foot for six years. I just... I got my TSA, Don. You have a tiny word on your foot? Great. That's good.

That is good. You know what, Lewis? You're impervious to bomb d'A the rest of the week. Lewis? That was great. That was very, very good. I'm folding up this bomb dana.

I like that. I got my TSA. You're pulling up like an American flag. I'm going to give it to Beatrice. James, I'm going to hand it to James. I'm going to go, your father served well. now do it imagine you're a little spaceship from the Jetsons

oh we're going electric Judas oh hell yeah you're Jimmy Hendricks Jimmy Hendricks he added more distortion now die of drinking wine at night what I said now die drinking wine at night I don't get that that's how he died that's how he died oh he died and that fat chick died from a ham sandwich

mama Capplin her family like still fights that Bobby's like what a way to go dude He goes, talk about my way out. I can be so lucky. I don't know. I think I've ever been more jealous. I don't know who I'm more jealous of that sandwich or her. I've had many nights where I was going, I woke up, going just food in my mouth,

shots of food. That was a great old Pat Dixon joke. He said, I know I'm going to die. It's going to be choking on a hot dog waiting for the train to come. I know that because it's already almost happened to me three times. What happened to Pat Dixon? I don't know. I haven't seen him in a long time.

He's got some of the best jokes. He, I think he, uh, I think he would just went down the path of a lot of these guys who, whatever's going on is not enough. So then they become, all, I'm going to be a Kevin Brennan fucking reply guy. They're all like, Gino and him and Kevin.

These all the guys like fight on their own little island that nobody really gives the shit. It's crazy. Your boat crashes there and you go, no. Oh, no. Dude, if you get shipwrecked of a Kevin Brennan, Gino Bisconti Island. What happened is your fucking girl? That's where the skank fest takeover is. And by the way, I like all those guys, except for Kevin Brennan.

But he's never said anything to your face. No, he would never, he would never in a million years. That's what I'm waiting for. That's his crescendo. Kevin gets blotchy when he sees Lewis Live. He goes, he just saw Kevin Brown was funny. He just hates me and, like, my crew, so I guess I hate him, too. He is funny.

No, he's a funny stand-up, unquestionable. Junk in the trunk. He got a little junk in your ankles, too. Yeah, it's a shame. I want to like him, but he just won't let me. You know who's fucking... I can't like somebody. Like, I fucking hate you, you fucking hack.

I was like, well, I guess I hate you too. Okay. Who's making a, like, not a comeback, but Jay Moore. I just did his podcast. I think he's one of the funniest. He's hilarious. He's got the funny guy. I'm going to tell you right now, he's got the best runs on Opie and Anthony doing

impressions that I've listened to you. I just listened to one of the impressions. It was Adam Sandler and somebody else. Al Pacino. It was Al Pacino. being asked to do an Adam Sandler movie. It's fucking excellent. He does a perfect Colin Quinn.

I was with him on Wednesday. We talked about you. He is one of the funniest fucking guy. I got to call him. I got to call him at him. What do you say about Bobby? He was really trashed you. Was he?

No, I'm joking. He loves you. He was Derekton. There was a moment where everyone's we were like, did he? Did he? No, I blew over it. Here's the thing about him, though, is that he married

that the fucking. Jerry Bus. I mean, if I married somebody, if Don had that much money, I don't know if you'd ever see me again. What? I'd be done. I'd just see you at Laker Games.

Oh, I wouldn't even go to the fucking games. I just get a house in the woods. Yeah, I did his pot. It was fun. He's very funny. What's a pod call again? More stories. More stories.

Yeah, very funny guy. I should go out there, do it. What are you doing, Lewis? What the fuck? He's texting. No, I'm looking something up. We have producers to look it up. We have fucking attention.

We have fucking attention. We have fucking attention. team of autistic kids. I am looking at your phone. Yeah. And I'm looking something up. What? What? What? The date 10 years from today. You can't figure that out? Oh yeah. I guess it's just today's date 10 years from now.

2035. October 7th, 2035? Yeah. It's the 6th. See, I fucked it up. But it's just 2035. You just take the year. I didn't know the date. We shouldn't say the date because all the fans will be like, dude, you fucking pre-recorded, you fucking homo pieces of shit. They did get mad that one time.

time. They were like, yeah, it's not, I was like, a new episode coming out Wednesday. They were like, not new. I was like, it is new. It's new for you. What are you talking? Were you there? It was Paco. Not new for me. All right, Paco. I recorded it. I think we should stop. This is what we should

do. Please. We should record the plugs when we record the ads and then plug the plugs in because it fucked up our momentum. We're all stiff. We're good. We're right. You take it's a halfway time. You fucking refresh your mind. I know, but so far, since we came No. It's all...

Dan runs out of energy halfway through. We have to get him a little fucking food. This is the golden retriever of comedy. You know what? A little water dish.

I just need to go. I'm doing a circle right now and laying down. Sighing heavy. He's scratching the pad. Here's why. He's got to rub Dan's belly a little. Yeah.

Rub his belly, he Lewis. Give a little love. Belly, right up to me. Who's a good boy? Then I start going. It's because...

You know what? You know what? It's another coffee, probably. You know what, Paco? it's time to get us some thin cookies and a coffee the problem is when we

yeah let's just go listen there's no problem there's no problem we've been doing this the whole time what was that who is that that was not me

because I was mid-sac that was indigestion I wish you could I saw that just a small tall for me I'll do a medium

I'll do a tall ice coffee with cream I'm good I don't want nothing thank you Paco medium medium please Thank you, Pucko.

All right, just get the coffees. Just make a fucking... He's got to make an entrance every time. Get that, God. Stand up and go, guys, shut up. Get the goddamn coffee. You see, Theo Vaughn had a fucking rough go for a minute.

Yeah, for one day. If I bombed my Netflix taping, I'd kill myself. I would actually kill myself. I would never recover. literally came, he was like, he's like, oh, man, come on, man. Sometimes that happens. Everyone's like, cool, Theo, yay! Hey, what are you going to do?

Anyways, Alabama's crazy. He was that college game day, and I was like, dude, I would have been at home. I would have been a home. I would have been a home like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Every phone call, I goes, that Netflix? Fuck, dude. I'm on the fucking hook. I'm on the hook for an hour, and I pooped

all over my cheeks. He's like you know, man, I just say stuff and sometimes it doesn't come out the way I want to come out. Anyway, come on, man, let's go spend some money. I'm like that when I kill a special taping. Yeah. I'm like, it was great, but no one's going to see it. Contract ain't nothing more than a paper hand shop. And you go, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I'll never do comedy again. Who cares? Damn, dude. Yeah. I was, I was actually sad. I felt bad. I was like, oh, man.

I hope the kid isn't. I like, Theo. There was a video that made me worried about him that was going around where he's like, yeah, I'm not doing well. And you're like, and then I watch people celebrate it. This is what I mean. There's people that are, there's people that are. There's people that are celebrating bad shit in a way that I go, hey, shit's going to go bad for you at some point.

I know who you're talking about. He's a fucking idiot. Who is it? We're not going to name names. We need to know. I need to know who's celebrating it. There's a couple people. Name.

Wow, what a name. Beautiful theater. That was the beacon here. Yeah, that made me sad. Yeah. I'm trying to take my own life. And he's literally just talking. It's like, come on, man.

That made me sad. I was like, I hope he's not. that would fuck. And then, but then two days later, it's fucking nothing. It's gone. He was like, I try to drown myself, but my pool's full, my pool's filled with money. I think I'm a witch. I floated.

Anyways, we're back. We're back. He's back. I ain't nothing happened. Like a bullet off Superman. Well, there's just a pandemic right now of comedians just publicly trashing. Say who it is. Let's name names for once.

What are we doing? We've named names before. We got us all in trouble. It got us all in trouble. We named people. Yeah, and then we all had fucking phone calls and shit from people that are like, you shouldn't have named name. Hey, Dan, why are you doing? Why are saying that about me?

He never called me. Yeah, I'm talking about people that publicly are like, look at this guy that sucks. Yeah. For what? To what? That's why he's, he's bombing. Not Shane good. Nobody's Shane good.

Shane, you're like, do you have to do sex to you for this? He pays you. He pays for you sex and he goes, I'm not going in one of those empty dressing rooms. is you. Can you text me a name? I won't say it. Why? Because I want to know who we're talking about.

So anyways, so you're right. They're breaking off into like us against them. Yeah, it's just very strange, particularly not even a political take, which I think is also weird, but like a guy bombs. And then you're like, whoa, look at this guy that bombed. It's fucking sucks. It's just very strange to me. bombing at a special is is fucking every comic's nightmare oh my god we have you have a okay first show and i'm spinning you know you take like the first show and you go that lady that lady almost died at

my first show louis had to give me four speeches from like martin luther king malcolm x jfk and he had to show me the tom brady video that's where nobody wanted that's the one who did it by the way i mean yeah that seventh round where he's kisses his own son on the mail Like, oh, yeah, all right, I'm back. Whatever happens, Louis is going to give you a speech, though. That's funny. It goes good, and Louis's like, I see myself.

Can you do it fucking classic speech? Max is still mad at Louis for that. Max tried to come in the room because he was sad, and he goes, Max, you got to get out. And Max was like, it's my dad. Yeah. But he's right. It's like, where am I going to flick this buggard?

So you just want me to rub this on the wall? That would have helped. Hey, dad, good set. But I was, I was fucking. I was spiraling on stage the second half of my special. I had a headache in my eye. Oh, no. And it felt like somebody was stabbing me in my eye.

The whole thing. And then, uh, what a nerd. You didn't text the name, Dan. Come on, tell us. Just fucking text the name, Dan. Do we know the person? No. We don't know.

We don't know. We don't know. You guys don't. You guys are not friends with you. I know everybody. We know everybody. No, you know. I've been to the business for over 20 years. I'm coming up.

Passing. tomorrow two days from now 20 years 25 years Nate's like you should stop counting those early years man He's like you didn't do it and not Just don't tell people that

We're like you're like fucking Dominican literally We're in like the bowels of the arena He's like you should stop saying how long you've been doing comedy And I was like all right well All right can I just say 20 I have no idea who this is Yeah I know Let me see The camera's gonna pick this up

I know who it is He's a pimple 25 years Not a pimple. He's like a hot commodity on certain people's radar right now. He's actually got a lot of eyes on him. Yeah. Yeah.

And because of that. But he is doing it in fucking stand-up. So I don't give a fun. As long as you're not on a podcast preaching, if you're in your act making jokes about it, I'd say it's fair game. Whatever the fuck you say. As long as it's a joke. Yeah, well, you can still make jokes in a podcast.

If I see a clip of a guy saying he might kill himself, I don't think I'm going out there taking hard takes. I mean, there's, we can think of funny ways for Theo to kill himself. I mean, I knew a guy named Noose Danny. Yeah, I could tie a rope in. I see. I knew a guy that used to drink gasoline, go to sleep. I heard you can do that. One of my friends.

Take a car nap with the garage down. I want to kill myself through a great white shark. Just jump in the ocean, have them bite me. No, I fucking felt like, I saw that. What, you guys don't have your own shark tank? Yeah. Okay, so the craziest thing that he did after the video, because I felt fucking horrible when I saw that video.

And then he did his podcast, and he was, like, talking about how the show didn't go well. And there's one point that my buddy sent me that's not a comic, and he's like, do you guys all do this? And he just sent me a clip with Theo's podcast, and Theo goes, I'm in between shows. I do my normal stuff, my stretch, my ice bath. And I was like, no, we don't do ice baths between shows.

You guys don't do ice baths between shows? That's crazy. Just to go, like, first show is pretty good. half my shows there's no green room I'm not at the bar going like yeah it's raining outside I can't go stand out there Like in the back of the room Just going like

They're sitting now I have to do a sauna Then an ice bath And I practice the Wim Hof method Then I come in Do a little rolling around BJJ All right let's take a quick moment

And thanks Zock doc for supporting today's show Ooh I love a Zock doc If you're getting older I'll tell you right now Everything is probably falling apart We're all in our fucking 40s at this point. It's pretty crazy. We're all old men at this point.

All people. Zoc Doc is an incredible service. It's a free app and website. We can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click instantly to book an appointment. What I like about it. If you're looking for a doctor, therapist, whatever it is, dude. Dude, they do specifics. You got a foot problem.

Go on Zock dock. Oh, I got a foot problem. Yeah, you got that wart. You can get that taken off quick. You go, you get anything. Anything specific. I got a little less than a half a foot problem. Hello.

Hello. We get it. It's 600. A little less. But you know what, as a hypochondriac, and as someone, I've been on Zod, the way Bobby has been on it with Small Batch, I've been on it since Zoc Doc

for over 15 years. I've been on Zock Talk maybe nearly 20 years ago. I've been on the longest by far without questions. I think it's me. I think I downloaded the app when it became available.

By the way, we're not all in our 40s. Oh shit, that's right. Bobby is an old man. Point being, stop putting off those doctor's appointments. Go to Zocdoc.com slash regs with a Z to find it instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash regs with a Z.

Zoc-D-C-com slash regs with a Z. With a Z. Hey, folks. Oh, my God. This episode is brought to you by prize picks. You and I make decisions every day, but prize picks being right can get you paid. If you think you know the game,

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That's code R-E-G-Z to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize Picks. It's good to be right. Oh, I saw the smashing machine. You guys seen the smashing machine? Can I ask you a question? Does the Rock do Mark Kerr's voice? Because Mark Kerr talks up.

here. I don't think so. He just sounded like the rock. It just seemed like the rock with black spray paint on his head. It didn't feel like a crazy. I heard it sucks. What more car is cooking? He goes, that's your thing. I heard it wasn't good. I liked it, but here's the thing I kept to say, though. Now it is. It was a $50 million budget.

It's only going to make about $7 million in its first weekend. But here's the thing now. You have a two-year-old. Artsy Joe. Fucking artsy fag Joe. No, I'm going to say the opposite. Here's the thing. I have a two-year-old child. So anytime I'm not with him and I'm watching a movie. I'm like, loving it.

Every movie now, I'm like, it's awesome. I love it. You go, what an escape. But it's fun. It's a fun movie. You know, it's like the regular movie. Oh, he struggles with drugs. Is he going to win? Let's see if you win. Here's the craziest thing about it is. There is an unbelievable documentary about this guy. Based on the documentary.

Called the Smashing Machine. And if you watched it, I mean, I also watched the UFC when Mark Kerr was in it. At the same time. Yeah. We all said smashing machine. Yeah, it was a great documentary. We only need one of us to say it. Okay, but I don't think, we also don't need another movie when there's a documentary where you see the real thing happen. That's the original point. Yeah. I don't know.

Wrestling fans keep going. The Rock's going to come back to wrestling because when his movie's bomb, he shows back up at the... That's a good thing. I just feel like Mark Kurt, it's like, I understand it's an interesting story, but he's just not enough of a name. Like to have a major movie come out of it. Like Randy Couture, maybe. Yeah, like, so what was the movie about the Texas Tornado and the Von Erick's? It was Iron Claw.

Loved it. Love it. Which, also, by the way. Even then, probably, if I had a guess, They didn't really do the real story. They did not do the real story because it was too sad. They left a brother out. Yeah, I didn't see one black guy in there. They left all the brothers out. That's what I'm saying, down low.

Ain't no brother. Yeah. Gets is skiing, doggy. And they also didn't do the thing that the reason that, like, they didn't talk about the dad played a Nazi wrestler. Well, they were trying to. That's like how he got over. They were trying to make him like a curse for like being a fucking, what's that?

They try to make them likable. Yeah. But that's even more, but that's more interesting. So they left out the brother, because it was too sad. No, they didn't say it was too sad. They said it was just like, it was whatever like the comedy rules of three are.

It just doesn't fit. You guys are so obviously. I'm a person. These are my brothers that died. How do you leave out a fucking other person that died? Yeah, I'm telling you right now, if there was a, if there was a Regs movie made

and just Joe wasn't in it, you'd be like, what the fuck, dude? A lot of you two commenters would be thrilled. This is the best movie ever. Oh my God. Which one of us would they leave out? It was sad that they... They didn't leave me out.

No, they'd leave me out. I can't leave you out. You're the sort of all. You're like the fucking... They would just get a better looking person. I'm going to be the one that shoots himself under a tree. Who would play us in the regs movie? This is a good topic.

There we go. Who would play us in the regs movie? Billy Zane. Mark Kerr. He's like... Luis Gomez. Lewis, Guzman. Yeah, Guzman.

Yeah, that's what I meant. No. No, Raoul, Julie. Pull up Louise Guzman. Perfect for Lewis. There he is. I mean, that is dead on. That's Mike Vecione, actually.

Is he watching boxing training videos in his room? That's you. Clearly. No, the Rock would play me. That's perfect right there. That'd be sick. We got to do two different movies. We got to do the artistic movie that's like down and gritty where they really try to get

it right. And then we got to do the Blockbuster movie where the Rock does play. Bobby's played by Nick Titoro. No, he's Vin Diesel. Nick Titoro from NYPD. I was going to say, in the blockbuster movie, it's The Rock, it's Vin Diesel, it's John Cusack, and... Ooh, Cusack is great for you. And Robert Pattinson from Twilight.

Robert Pattinson? What? You think you're a dreamboat? He's like five eight, too. We need a hunk on it. You fucking ugly, grizzled. Hellboy. Who played Hellboy?

Close. Oops. Ron Perlman would be sick. You'd be wrong. Ron Perlman, I would take in a goddamn second. It's young regs. You know what Dan's right. Young rapper Pattinson, the rock's too old.

So it's not going to be the rock. So who you got? Bobby should be Jason Alexander. Fuck you. What do you mean? You get the glasses? That's actually perfect. Balls.

He's a little young for you. That chick that transition to a dude. What's like that? Yeah, he gets a... That's perfect bottom name. He gets Juno. Yeah, Juno. You're Juneau.

Ellen Page. Yeah, Ellen Page. Yeah, Ellen Page. I'd love to be Ellie Page. Hold on, Pull him, I'll take that. I'll take that. They cut your tits off. Elliot, dumb, dumb, Elliot.

Yeah, there's Joe right there. There we go. Dude, Elliot Page's Joe list. Robert Pan's in his tans owner. I mean, the jaw is a little strong for me. There's Joe right there. Your mouth tightening techniques. Ah, shit.

That makes me kind of feel yucky. What's your tits not cut off? Cut off tits. I don't like that. She was, she was pretty toy back in the day. Oh, I was. into her. Those are really her nipples. Yeah. Let's take a moment. I can get

there. Give me a second. I can get hard. It makes me feel funky. Those are really her nipples. So she still has a vagina? Does she? No clue. Does she have a cock? Did they make one of those weird guy dicks? Oh, shit. Have you ever seen those?

Look at her fucking beautiful nipples. They would have been so nice if I got to see them on a woman. Those are the same. Why did she have to get these surgery? She had no tits. That's funny. No, dude, I love the doctor goes. What are we doing? We're good. He goes, I got appointments. I mean, I'll make the scars, but I don't need it.

I can touch up if you want. What are you, the Joker? Just get abs. You're fine. Yeah. I don't know. Eat enough and they'll catch up or? Yeah, she was pretty hot back in the day.

She was a cute. So who's playing you if it's not the rock? I mean, it shouldn't be the rock. But he's too old. It's got to be somebody younger. Who's a young Latin actor? Bald. Sexy.

How about common? He's black, but. We could do it. Bad Bunny. Bad Bunny is Lewis. Bad Bunny is... Just in Spanish. All your racist ships, just in Spanish.

The Puerto Rican Relathnick? What's going on with this guy? Is he out of the Super Bowl now? Is he still in? No, he's fine. Ice is... That dumb asshole lady Christine Ome is like, we're going to have ice at the Super Bowl.

You stupid bitch, it's $5,000 a ticket. What Mexican illegal immigrant is like, I did landscaping and save up for Super Bowl 55? He's like, the Super Bowl is all rich. I have no problem with Bad Bunny being in the Super Bowl. Why are people up in arms? Yeah, I know. Because they're fucking...

Because they're actually racist. Yeah. They are absolutely racist. I saw somebody posted... Bring up his lyrics. Let me see what Bad Bunny looks like, also. I don't know what he looks. He just hosted SNL.

It's like, who gives it? So somebody posted a picture on Michael Jackson, be like, this was an iconic performance. I was like, he fucked children. You're mad that Bad Bunny has an accent? Because he speaks Spanish? Who cares? Bring up his lyrics.

Dude, I just thought it was funny that Melted Face was like, we're going to have ice at the super... ball. It's like, Paco, I'm not going to fucking say it again. I'm not a good bunny. I'm not a good bunny. I'm a bad bonny. I'm a bob bonny. My original name was mean, robin. Can you read these, Dan? Let me sing it.

Can you read? Another beautiful sunset I see in San Juan, enjoying everything that the departed of missing out on. Everything and joy in nights like those that don't come often, that don't come often. But wanting to go back to the last time that I looked into your eyes and to tell you the things I didn't go to tell you. for the Super Bowl.

This is not acceptable. What's wrong with it? It's going to be in Spanish. My heart is pounded and tell me maybe where are you. He's a Spanish artist. Is the name of this song? He's a Puerto Rican artist. No, that's the intro.

I've been doing Duolingo for 240 days. Well, guess what? You'll know all? You've been doing Duolingo? 240 days. Bobby? Yes. Bobby, you're going to understand all of.

Huh? Go ahead. This is great. I did not know we're going to rewind into this. Como? Come. How do you know, bien. Me, I am Roberto.

No, me, I am. Te am Roberto. See. What? See. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. Wow. I think what Lewis was saying right there was.

Wipped it into the fucking seats on the floor. Hey, run the play. Just did it behind the back, into the bench. And the ball is into Lewis. There it goes. Up in the stands. Yeah. I don't know, people are upset.

240 days. Nice, dude. Anybody. Yeah, so they're maddy's going to speak Spanish. Du L.A. Bacalao. Damn.

Mariko, Mamma la bitcho, bandecorino. Well, the, uh, people got mad at that one chick. She did the, the star-spangled banner in Spanish. People were like,

what's this fucking disrespect? I was like, do you not have real problems? I know, dude. Like, how is this even affecting you at all the slightest bit? I don't give, this makes zero sense

to give a shit about, but I just thought it was funny when you're like, the Super Bowl is legitimately like $10,000 a ticket. And who gives a shit about who's at the halftime show? I mean, did you really love fucking, what's his name? Kendrick Lamar last year.

When I went with Che, we didn't even watch the Super Bowl show. You get up to take a dollar. I went to the one with Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlowe. Really? I was there. That's sick. And I went, I think her tit just came out. Nobody knew in the stadium.

We're all like, was that her tit? Because he covered it up quick. And then we were like, I think her tit was out. My bracelet was blinking as I took a dump. Were you there? I went to the Super Bowl in Vegas with the Chiefs and the Niners, and I take shit at halftime. And I'm just in a stall, and all of a sudden, my wrist is like,

I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know why people are mad. Super Bowl, honestly, you go there and it's just a bunch of rich people that don't care. Like, if you go to, like, an NFC championship game? I thought it was because his lyrics. Some of his lyrics were really fucking racy. I'm sure Paco brought up the,

cleanest lyrics, but I think some of the lyrics was a weekend, Shakira. Oh, I was there at that one, at Shakiro, Jabr-Bad-Boney did it in 2020. Yeah, he popped up that was in Miami. Lady Gaga, that was a great one. That was great. Lady Gaga was the shit. Bruno Mars was the best. I think Bruno

Mars was the best. I would argue that I remember Food Fighter, Prince. Prince was the best half-time show. Prince was good. Bruno Mars was good. Prince and the Florida A&M Marching Bad was the best one. I mean it was good too with Dr. Dre. Yeah, that was a That was the one in L.A.

The U-2 won the post-9-11 U-2. Oh, we opened the jacket? That was when you guys beat the Rams. You got a damn straight. That was fucking great. You two might have, you two and Prince to me were like, because the U-2 one, when he opened his jacket,

I was ready to run through a wall. When he showed that American flag, I was like, I'm 18, time to go to Afghanistan. So back in the day, it would be like the theme, the Kings of Rock and Pop, the Tapestry of Nation, celebration of soul,

Sol, so simple. Yeah, it was just like, He showed the flag, and I was like, what am I doing in college like a pussy? I still feel that way when I see flags. We were driving home last night through like a small kinetic, and it was all flags on all the houses. I'm ramped up. I was like, I fucking love him. I'm ramped up.

Oh, what was American flags? I love it. I love it. But I'm saying when Bono did that after 9-11, and then he was like, oh, it opened it. There was an American flag. I was like, oh, fuck. That was my favorite America. I was coming to a patriotism thing, like, no fucking losing it.

In 1989, they had an Elvis impersonator slash magician do the halftime show. Dude, you have no idea. Can we please see this? Yeah, it was the worst half-time show of all time. I just did, I just did a Julian Edelman's podcast where you talk about a certain game. We talked about the 1990s Super Bowl.

The halftime was... Julianne. Yeah, it was fucking sick. The 1990s Super Bowl halftime show was a remembrance of peanuts. So they had a bunch of people dressed up like Peanuts characters being like... We really did.

We were a fucking corny coming. country for a long time. It was a marching band and the peanuts in 1990 and now they're like, straight from the Grammys. Bad Boni. And then everyone's like,

no, he's sexy. Well, because everybody there wants to enjoy the halftime. For sure. It's a huge thing. And you want to have fun, but if you don't speak Spanish, you're like, I don't know what the fuck he's saying. That's not sure. I saw Maluma live when my ex was dancing from Maluma.

Who's Maluma? It was a fun show. Malum. Who's a Spanish? recording artists. I have no problem. I love Spanish people. I love them. I just thought it was funny

that they were like, we're gonna have ice at the Super Bowl and you're like, there's welcome all of my dancers who I have sex with. They're not getting any illegal immigrants at the Super Bowl. They're just taking people.

But they took a player. Yeah, he goes, what the fuck, dude? I'm half Dominican. Get over here. Malum. Is that Malumalum? I'm a loom.

Dude, he's sexy. Weren't you worried about the road? He was short. He was five foot six. He's a short. short guy and uh i mean also like good for if she left me from aluma god bless her more by you she made the right decision he's a good looking guy yeah spanish guy he's like he's married he's got a he brings his wife and baby on the road i think spanish guys are the hottest guys easily am i crazy let's

gay off for a second at the end of this episode i think spanish men are very sexy italian but they're not as they're not as consistently sexy yeah and they're never in shape yeah spanish guys always have some. Now, pick your poison. Italian guys are always like little thin arms and shit. Which Spanish man are you looking? Well, I'm going to have to say Puerto Rican. You're going to have to go Puerto Rico. I think Puerto Rican, but then, because

you go to Spain. What about Brazil? What about Dominican? Brazil, not as hot. Brazil, a little darker. Ian Lara's better looking than Lewis. No. Yep. Pull up Ian Lara. Are you kidding?

His Lord is maybe 5 foot 5. He didn't need to do that, but me, I mean, that was just Back to the height. Nobody, nobody, no girls want a short guy. No, Ian Laura, he's got to. And I mean this, there's no, no, Elear is hilarious, and he's a handsome enough guy. There's no woman in the world who would rather this little guy on top of her than me.

I was in Aruba with this guy, and the chick he was with in Aruba. First of all, annoying. They were doing Instagram stuff, so they were taking videos. I literally walked up, you got to stop. You're a fucking stand up, knock it off. You think that he's that good looking? The girl he was with was an 11. Yeah.

She was 11 years old. Tall is overrated. I'm 6-2. They fucking hate me. But you're gross, and you have a tiny mouth. I mean, there are things too tall. You got to be tall and handsome. Tremendously hurtful.

It's really, really mean. John Cusack air. A.L.R. is a good-looking dude. He's hilarious. He's a good dude as well. But, I mean, he's just a short guy. Most gals, most hot gals aren't into short guys. You ask any hot chick they want a guy, six or above. They do not want a guy.

Yeah, they want me over Ian. Not you. There's other factors. I'm six. I'm six, two. No, Ian is a short king. He's not short. He's like 5'8.

No, he's 5.7. Look, look, the third question on the, which is, no, go back. Go back. We type in Ian Lara. The third question is how tall is Ian Laura? How tall is he? He's 5, 7 and a half, maybe? I don't think they're going to have it.

I don't think he's famous enough to have his height list. Well, he's standing below a swing set in one of the yeah I think Puerto Rican is the hottest and I think Puerto Rican is the hottest Spanish. No, Dominican. No, Dominicans aren't that hot. No, Dominican's not about it. Paul up David Ortiz. Tell me he's not hot. No, Colombians are hot. Colombian women. Colombian women are beautiful. I'm sorry, Colombian women are

walking. Pull up Miss Columbia. They are out of... Pull up Miss Dominican Republic. It's a pile of shit. in the grass. I didn't know we're talking women. I thought we're talking men. Women, it's blonde-haired white women. What are we talking about? America.

Harry and go, dude. Let's see images. Miss Columbia. Can you bring up a meeting over here? Can you bring up all the Spanish Miss somethings? Now pull up Miss D. Miss Dominican Republic.

God, if this was the best in the Dominican Republic. I bet she's as dark as Dean Edwards. Look at her. There you go. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my. God. The latest one. The latest one. Look at that one right there.

Cloved, daily, yuck. COVID is her name? Our name's daily COVID. That translates roughly. Bring up Miss Puerto Rico. Miss Puerto Rico. But there's no way Puerto Rican, she's going to be awesome. She's beautiful. She's got to be gorgeous.

It's only when they get above 27 million fed. You go, yeah, they're like running. Watch. This is a problem with any fucking. Oh, look at her. Look at her. You guys are just reacting for whatever you confirmation bias, bullshit. Look at the one over to the right. Right. The Wikipedia one.

Look up Miss Minnesota. As they like to say, I, Mommy. A nice white. I go white as right every time. Miss Minnesota. It's got to be so much harder. Well, if you're going to start talking white, you better bring in the Scandinavian countries. That's, ew.

She's gross. Miss Minnesota looks like a- She looks like your fucking cockpwart. You're Miss Sweden. Miss Sweden. Sweden, yes. Sweden or Norway. Oh, my God.

Dan's the winner. Too white. Too white. Are you kidding me? Too white. She looks like a beautiful man. too. No, that girl's hot. I'm Miss Sweden. No way. What about

Miss Norway? Looks like she's got a package, too. That little red dress down in the way. Miss Sweden? The boy with the flag in the back. Oh, my God. Do Spain. Do Spain. Do Spain. Do Spain. That's white and Spanish. Oh, my God. The best of both worlds. This is the hottest woman we've seen.

Let's see. Miss Spain. All right. No. No, go back. Miss Norway with the blue eyes. Hit the back button. Can we do before they all look like dudes? She looks like a Native American. Dude, 1980. Ooh, do Miss Cherokee Nation. Oh, no, she's going to have a flat back.

She's scalped. She's going to have Lewis's hips. Oh, there is a Ms. Cherokee Nation? Well, you typed in Miss Spain Cherokee Nation, you fucking... Here's a problem, though. All these girls right now are very thin. We've got to go to the 80s when chicks... What?

No, there's not looking. She looks like Bobby. It's like 2015. Dude, the Miss Cherokee Nation stinks. What about the one all the way to the right? Holy shit. That looks like my high school yearbook photo. She won.

She won how. That's good. That's good. That's good. I would have said, how did she win? Oh, you're an asshole.

We all got it. You're a piece of shit. You know, editor Joe, get out. By the way, we sent them on a coffee run. The show's over.

I have to go home. Where's our coffee, Paco? You fucking. It will be funny. Pissing in all. He's pissing in all of them. Paco, where's my coffee?

Joe. You sent Joe? No, he sent them to get some Joe. He can't send Joe to do anything. Joe walks like a fucking sloth. We also have to do adderings. Oh, God.

We got to wrap up. I got to get home. I have a babysitter. Oh, I've got to throw up. We love you guys. Listen, make sure you guys check out all our live shows. Come up to us after the end of the show and say you love the regs and we'll give you a hug, right, Lou? I will not touch you.

All right. Anyways, we'll be a check-guess. I'll touch you with my fingers. I wish I had lady fans. I don't have lady fans. I got like six. Check out all the live shows. We'll see you guys next time on.

The regs. Bye.