#RolandMartinUnfiltered - Getting real about manhood with Devon Franklin and Dondre Whitfield | #RolandMartinUnfiltered

Episode Date: August 31, 2019

#RolandMartinUnfiltered: Getting real about manhood with Devon Franklin and Dondre Whitfield Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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you can make this possible. Hey, folks, welcome to this special edition of Roland Martin Unfiltered. Although it is the holiday, we still wanted to have something special for you, and we got a great thing for you. This summer, when I was in the Bahamas for the Global United Fellowship Conference,

it is led, of course, by Bishop Neil Ellis. They had a number of events and speakers and sermons, but there was a great conversation on manhood. It took place between movie producer Devon Franklin and actor Dondre Whitfield. You remember Dondre, of course, a long time on The Cosby Show, also on Queen Sugar and so many other shows and movies. And it really was this amazing, candid and honest conversation about manhood. And so they gave us an opportunity to stream this for you. I think you're going to enjoy this.

So here is Devon Franklin, Don Dre Whitfield from Nassau, Bahamas, from the Global United Fellowship Conference. Trust me, it's a discussion you do not want to miss. Amen. Amen. It is an honor and a pleasure to be with you again, would you just give Bishop Ellis his honor and acknowledgement. Truly, truly I am blessed to know him and to be able to call him friend. You may have your seat, you may have your seat. So I'm gonna say a few words and then we're gonna talk about what we're gonna talk about tonight. I just want to reference Breakthrough for a moment. And first of all, thank you, Global United Fellowship, for your love and support. Breakthrough did exactly that.

It broke through at the box office. We were able to hang in there for week after week. We surprised so many people with the performance of the film. And it's one thing for me to be able to have the ability, through God's grace's grace to make movies but it's another thing for you all to get out and support him so I want to say thank you so much for getting out and supporting Breakthrough it truly was a success but here's the one thing I want to say about Breakthrough which is relevant to each one of you here and when Bishop Ellis called me and asked me to come, what he's talking about this particular session is God wants to do something personal with each of us. If you are here, as they've already said tonight, it's not by accident.

It's by divine appointment. Yes, you can give an applause to that. But before we transition into our truth talk, I just want to talk about a truth that's relevant so often we um our happiness our depression our anxiety our our joy all comes down to an expectation that's either met or not so when it came to Breakthrough, I'll be very honest. This is what this night's about. It's about being truthful. My expectation of what the movie was going to do was through the roof. All right. I was expecting that this thing was going to come out and you would have thought Avengers hit the scene. Okay? Before Breakthrough came out,

I got a call from a studio asking me if I was interested in potentially having a conversation with them to move my deal there. Now, I currently have a deal with Disney and Fox. Fox was purchased by Disney for $71 billion. You heard me right, billion. Y'all don't understand how much money there really is in the world. We serve a God that's rich in houses and land. Come on now, if a company could get bought for 71 billion and they don't even honor God, what would God do for those that are faithful to him?

But that's a whole nother message. That's a whole nother message. This company said, are you interested? And I said, yes. And so the meeting that I was supposed to have with them was not going to happen until after Breakthrough opened because of all the schedules. So here I am thinking that, you know, God took me from Sony to Fox and allowed Breakthrough. Breakthrough was one of the only films that was released once Disney took over Fox. And it was the first film to be released and the film did well but relative to my expectations it did not work relative to my expectations everybody kept coming to me saying Devon you should be excited your movie's done

about 15 million dollars in five days I said but I wanted 30. can we have an honest conversation right now so then the question is is god good or is he only good relative to my expectation i'm coming and i'm sitting right next to you tonight because someone here is upset not because god's not doing it he's just not doing it in the way you wanted relative to what you expect for him to do and so what I began to see is that because the reason why I was so frustrated is because I was attaching my future to the success of breakthrough in my math I said okay if breakthrough breaks out in a major way that means I will be able to get my deal renewed with Disney and Fox. That was what I thought.

The movie did great. We did about $50 million worldwide on a $14 million budget, but it didn't necessarily break out. And when I went to Disney and Fox and said, are you interested in renewing the deal? They said no. And I said, well, God, what is your plan? I know you brought me to Hollywood. I know you placed me in this industry. But relative to what I'm expecting, God, this is not turning out according to my plan God says you missed it

he said too often when we have expectations we try to get him to do it the way that we want him to do it instead of letting him do it the way that he wants to do it he said Devon your math is off why do you think the success of breakthrough has anything to do with your future in the business if you made the movie and one person broke through you need to know I count that the same way Hollywood would count a hundred million dollar blockbuster because the way that heaven sees things is different the way that we see things and I said God I understand that I said but help me understand what you're doing because if Disney and Fox don't want me now listen I'm telling y'all my business

because y'all my family don't know no no one in the industry knows what I'm telling you right now but I'm keeping real with you because I don't want you to think that I get up here and just because I'm in a certain position that that means I'm absent of the pain of the process. It's not true. And so what God is, what God was saying is you're so focused on the result. You've actually missed the only thing that's within your control, which is the process. How often do we get mad that the result isn't what we wanted but god says you don't have control over the result i do the only thing you can control is the process that leads to the result if you manage the process well let me take care of the result and remember in my word all things work together for the good of

those that love him and are called according to his purpose so I went to the meeting with the other studio and now mind you in my mind because my expectations were not met I'm thinking that they're thinking that I'm thinking the way that they're thinking you get what I'm saying I'm saying oh man you know I'm going into way that they're thinking. You get what I'm saying? I'm saying, oh, man, you know, I'm going into this meeting. They called me before the movie came out. They had an expectation of what the movie was going to do. The movie underperformed relative to my expectations. I bet it underperformed to their expectations.

And as a result, they're not going to want me, and I'm going to have to shut down my company. You see where we go? I go into the meeting. It's a lunch meeting. We don't even talk about movies. We just have a conversation. And at the end of it, he said, so are we doing this deal?

Well, you don't care about Britney, man. Listen, we don't worry about the success of the film. We want you because we believe in you. I don't know who this is for. You think you have been disqualified relative to your performance, but God says, no, I see your performance. Get your hands off the result. Put your faith in the process and I will take you everywhere you need to be. Some of you have disqualified yourself from a result that God says it's already written into your story. Stop

doing the math that you're not going to get it. What is yours is yours. It don't matter if the business you have makes a dollar or a million. If God says you're supposed to be in business, you're going to stay in business. I don't know who i'm talking to right now but please allow god to bring you what he wants in his time why do i start the message in our time with truth because if i am honest this is what is lacking in the body of christ Christ. Truth. Honesty. I don't want you to think just because physically I'm on an elevated platform that that means I live an elevated life relative to where you are. It's not true. We all struggle. And I think the more we can flatten out

from the pew to the pulpit, the more truth will be in the church. So about 18 months ago, God, through the urging of someone else, I had this idea for a book called The Truth About Men. What men and women need to know. And it was all about how we as men struggle between love and lust and every man has this war raging in them and god gave me this idea years ago and and and this person urged me to write it i said i'm not writing it i said because as men we don't like to look in the mirror and it's dangerous to write a book about what men need to do better. But you know when God tells you to do something?

Most of the time he tells you to do it. You know it's him because you don't want to do it. Some of you are sitting on a word from God right now. You know it's him because you don't want to do it. That's the very thing you've got to do. So I went ahead and wrote this book. The Truth About Men, What Men and Women Need to Know. And in this book, I talk about the necessity for us to live in truth. And that

truth is to not present a superhero gospel. What do I mean by that? Leave the superheroes for the screen. No matter how much of the spirit is in me, I still live in a body of flesh. And if I am not aware of what the flesh wants to do and not suppress that, I will find myself doing things that work against the spirit because I'm not being honest about the struggles of my flesh. So I've been on this campaign for the beginning of this year when the book came out to now speaking all around the world talking about how we can bring more truth and doing things called truth talks.

And so one of my brothers who I brought here today, he and I had a true talk on Instagram live and it went viral. People started sharing it all over the place because rarely do you have two men talk honestly and openly about the challenges of being a man. And there we were in the public forum, baring our souls not to do it to be salacious, but to do it because do you listen to what's going on in the culture? Have you listened to the songs that are out there? If artists are not pulling back on what they are trying to teach you, why do we pull back

in the church about telling you the truth? About the honesty of what we're going through? So tonight, I wanted to bring my brother, Dondre Whitfield. Many of you know him. As Bishop Ellis mentioned, he got his, you know, basically his claim to fame was being a regular on the Cosby Show. But since then, he has dominated film. He's dominated television. Many of you who watch Queen Sugar on OWN, you know him as Remy, yes? We're gonna pray for Remy, that God will resurrect Remy, amen? For those of you that watch the show, you know.

Anyway, if you don't, you're gonna see what happens. But beyond that, Dondre has a book that's coming out, the way that I did The Truth About Men, he has a book coming out in January called Male vs. Man. And as he has been in Hollywood, he began this journey to manhood. And I wanted to bring him here tonight so that the two of us could have what I call a truth talk and walk through some of these challenges and issues with the intent of all of us being honest about what we're going through. There are going to be some moments you may get a little uncomfortable. You can just get quiet in your spirit, amen. We're not here to out you, amen. All right. And at the end, I want to do a Q&A and open it up if there's any questions, any thoughts that we can help unpack for you. Because I do believe that too often when we come together, we don't talk.

We don't dialogue. We don't converse. Turn to your neighbor and say, how are you? Turn to your other neighbor and say, God is with you in your struggle. Dondre, come on up. Give Dondre Whitfield a round of applause as he comes up. You can do better than that, Global United. Please. So, I really want...

Wow. Man, I told you they were amazing, right? Wow. And we got a rainforest here and everything. Yeah, we got the ferns. So between two ferns. So here's what I really want to start because some people only know you from the Hollywood persona. Right. And I want to actually go beyond the persona to the person.

You and I years ago when I was at Sony, I'll never forget. You know, I was at an event. I think it was like a house party. And you were there and you're like, yo, D, we didn't know each other at the time. And he was like, yo, we got to talk. And we ended up talking and coming together and you started sharing your testimony with me. And I thought that it was so powerful to help inform who you are now and why you are so determined with this message, male versus man. So would you just give us some insight into

the testimony and what really changed your life? Wow. You know, it's interesting that you started off with the persona and the person. The persona is someone's performance. The person is someone's purpose. So let me explain that by giving you this story. My best friend, who literally, he and I were as close as brothers could be. We did everything together. We played golf together. Our families hung out together. And this was just before the birth of my first child. And he said, you know, I, he saw me ride motorcycles and I was in the thick of my maleness and constantly proving what kind of what I thought was a man what was really my maleness with my motorcycle all right so I would be the hooligan doing wheelies down the freeway and that's how I proved my manhood

because that's what the streets of Brooklyn taught me. I'm doing this while I'm on television shows. So one day he says, I've always wanted to learn how to ride a motorcycle. I was like, well, awesome, man. I said, we've got to get you in a motorcycle safety class. How ironic is that? I'm doing all the things that are unsafe, but I'm telling him he needs to, right?

He finally gets through the course. He gets his motorcycle and he's about to go out on the freeway for the first time. He said, I'll meet you at your house. I said, no, sir, I'm going to come and meet you at your house because I got to usher you into this. My job is to look after you. I go, I pick him up. We ride. We go all the way down to Melrose in LA. And we park in front of this place where typically motorcycles park out in front. This place called Johnny Rockets. And it was exciting.

He was amped up. I was amped up. My best brother, we're riding motorcycles. I'm sharing my passion with him. He said, what do you want to do now? He said, let's ride down to Pasadena. I said, okay. So we get back onto the freeway. And on the 110 freeway, before it dumps off into traffic, there's a big looping turn. And every time I would get to that turn, I'd get down on one knee doing 100 miles an hour. No exaggeration. 100 miles an hour in this turn on one knee.

I had another brother of mine did the same exact thing. We decided we were going to indulge ourselves. So I signaled to my brother who doesn't know how to ride well, who's just getting on the freeway for the first time. I signaled to him, look here, slow down. There's a turn coming up. I want you to slow down. I'm going to go up. You stay back here. I'm going to go up here. I'm going to indulge myself rather than look after my brother. So we go. And in the thick of my maleness,

I go into this turn, 100 miles an hour, knee down, again. Powerful, exciting. The rush. We get to the light. We high five. We do the whole thing. We look back into the turn, and I don't see my brother.

We look at each other as riders. We know what that means. Something's going wrong. Car pulls up beside us and says, hey, you guys got a bike down back there. We turn back around. We get onto the other side. He is in the middle of the freeway. Bike is up against the rail. I get down and I get to him. He's breathing. His eyes are fluttering. He's breathing really fast. And I began talking to him and I said, you cannot leave

here. It immediately came on my spirit. I said, you cannot leave here. You got a wife and two kids. You cannot leave here. I said, my daughter is about to be born. You haven't even met her yet. You cannot leave here. This is a really dynamic story. I'm going to cut this short. But in the end, when we went to the hospital, they went from taking an arm to a leg to having swelling on the brain to finally they had to pull the plug.

It was three months before my daughter was born. His last name was Parker. My daughter's name is Parker. The toughest prison you will ever be in is the prison of yourself. Knowing when you haven't answered the bell. God put me in position to look after my brother, and I indulge myself. In September, it will be 15 years. The pain is still as fresh.

But out of that pain came purpose because I realized I said I would never again leave my post I will never again leave my post and I realized that I was at the peak of my maleness. And I was trying to figure out why is this so difficult? And it finally hit me because you're not walking as a man. And so my father was in and out of jail my entire life and not having a model that I could mirror for manhood

left me in that space and so every day after that just came this process of me trying to find my way toward manhood and that's where I finally got to this book male versus man and just so you know the difference because I know some of you are going well what is the difference grown males and we got a lot walking around this earth right now a grown male is a male who generally looks to be served did you see how I did that on the motorcycle I went and I served myself a man is a male who generally looks to be of service. Huge difference. As a husband, you got to be a man. Why? Because that's looking to be of service. Sisters, when you date a grown male, you will know because he will look to serve himself first. So this book, when it comes out in January, I travel the country teaching young, primarily young black and brown males how to become men.

Because a lot of our younger brothers grow up not knowing what it is to be a man because they don't have a man that is there to model for them what they are supposed to mirror. These young brothers are acting out and are mirroring what is being modeled for them. And so we have to be the models that they now mirror. Wow. You gave it for Dondre to just being so transparent. I know that was hard. That was hard. It's still hard.

Yeah. And I think the thing that you're saying, which is so profound to me, is tragedy. You know, that tragedy can transform us if we allow it. Yes. You know, My father, he was 36 years old when he had a massive heart attack and died. Died when I was 9 years old leaving my mother

to raise me, my older brother and younger brother. In my entire life, most of my memories of my father were when he was drunk. He was an alcoholic. He struggled with alcoholism his entire life. His brother struggled with it. I just recently found out that my grandmother, his mother, and my grandfather were both alcoholics. Just found that out just

a few months ago. And so I'll never forget. It was so painful losing my father. My father was in and out of the house. This is a true story. He was in and out of the house. And so, you know, right before he passed away, he had resurfaced. He had gotten a job, a stable job. He got a place where he was living and he came, you know, to us and we hung out with him, went to the restaurant where he was working and so on and so forth. There was a Sunday night we got the call that he had a heart attack. He went into the hospital. We went to go visit him in the hospital the following day, Monday.

He is sitting up in the bed talking to you the same way, talking to us the way I'm talking to you, talking to you all. And he said, I want my family back. When I get out of here, I'm going to get you all back. The next day, we are coming home from school. We get to the house. We're going to go to the hospital. Phone rings. My mother screams.

We rush to the hospital. And my mother goes. She's gone for a very long time. She comes back. She takes me and my brothers, walks us to the morgue at the hospital. And there's our father. Lying dead. And she says, kiss your father goodbye.

You've never experienced the cold unless you have experienced the cold of death. Go over to him, kiss him on his forehead. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to process this. I don't understand. I didn't even want to go to the funeral. It was so painful. But they encouraged me.

My family said, no, you got to go. You need that memory. I'm thankful that I had the memory. Coming out of that, I'm like, OK, well, I don't know what to do. I don't have a model. There were different men in my life, but not one that really took an interest that was like, I'm going to be consistent with you and your brothers. So as a young man, you know, male, trying to figure this out, it was very difficult. The thing that transformed me was me seeing two things.

One, I don't want to end up like this. And what work was cut short in him that I'm supposed to finish? Yes. And so as a man, I began that path as a teenager to figure out, okay, well, what do I have to do to be, as you say, a man, not just a male? And as I grew into that manhood, I said, okay, here's the thing. If I, you know, the church, I was raised in the church, you know, okay. My thing was like, all right, well, I'm not going to drink. Okay, cool. So I haven't drank. I was like, you know what?

I'm just not going to do that. I mean, it's amazing when you say you don't drink how many people want to get you to drink. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Don't nobody want to pay your's unbelievable every drink at any place you want to go am i right i don't drink well this is special right here's a shot try this come on you know don't you want some saran no but here's the thing that was so interesting which which will help us transition into the next area i want to cover which is this being raised in the church

i said okay hey i'm gonna wait to have sex until marriage Right, I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna prove my manhood through Declaring to everyone that this is what I'm gonna do and to you know, basically just try to crucify my flesh 18 years old happened got into a relationship my senior year of high school. And my decision to wait went out the window. Now, I know some of y'all don't know what I'm talking about. I know, I know.

Y'all can't relate. Puzzled. But here's what was interesting. I kept telling everybody else that I was still waiting. Because I felt like if I walked in that truth, nobody would accept me, I'd be rejected. That's right. But the more that I began to present this image,

but do something else, it tore me up. Definitely. And so that wrestling between who I said I was and who I really was it was so painful it's truly what has prompted me to this moment to be on this crusade the same way you are because as men and I and yes this is also I think, true for some women. But as men, we are killing ourselves. Yes. Because we're presenting an image. That's right.

But when we go home, we're something else. That's right. That's right. And we're not being honest that it is hard. It is hard to navigate this flesh. Yes. Very, very difficult. I'm going to say this last part, and then I'm going to ask you a question.

So I didn't wait. Didn't wait my entire college career. It was in and out of a few relationships. I was in a relationship when I graduated college and I said to God, God, if you can get me out of this, I will wait. Because I was not strong. Come on, y'all have an honest moment. I wasn't

strong enough to stop in that relationship. I just wasn't. I said, Lord, I want to stop. I can't. I need your help. If you get me out of this, then I'll wait until marriage again. He got me out of that relationship. I did not know that I wasn't going to get married for another 10 years. Praise the Lord. Amen. But here's where I'm going. I think, oh, I get married. I ain't got to worry about this lust. I call lust the dog. The dog is asleep.

I say, I do. Man. I can't wait to talk about this one. Man. Dude, a couple months into this marriage. Yes. That dog wasn't asleep. I mean, the dog wasn't gone.

It was sleeping. That thing woke up. I said, what's happening? I thought marriage just took care of us. No, sir. My brother, we are married to some of the most beautiful women on the planet. That's why I said I wasn't talking about you. Let me ask you a question as a man. Yes.

Why is the attractiveness of our wives not enough to manage the flesh? Not close. Are we saying too much? No, no, no. We're going to say more than this

so you better get yourself ready. Okay. Sisters, let me tell you something and then I'll get to my brothers. Sisters, let me tell you something. I don't care how fine you are because my wife is one of the finest

I've ever seen in my life. Mine too. Okay. Amen. I can't say that about your wife because that's my sister. But some have said, some people have said that. Some people have said that. Some people have said your wife is fine. two of the finest two of the coldest it ain't enough it ain't enough here's what you're looking at you're looking at hunters you are looking at hunters. Let me break this down real quick. When a man says to his woman,

I want to make you my wife, what he's saying is, he's asking for permission. He's very distinctly saying, hey, listen. I am no longer going to go out here and hunt all over the reservation. Our home is my new reservation, and I got to be allowed to hunt in here when I need to. Here's what happens. Sister says, yeah, of course, this is your reservation.

This is your reservation. You hunt in here whenever you want. And he says, okay, you sure? She said, of course, of course. You got the ring? He's like, I got the ring. But are you sure? She says, boy, you better stop playing. Come on. Of course.

Give me that ring. Get the ring, and then you put on your fatigues. The gun is at the ready and then you get to the gate and it says no hunting allowed come on now. I told y'all I was going to talk about the truth. This ain't happen to nobody, huh? This ain't happen to nobody. Oh, the brothers are standing up.

It has happened to somebody. Okay, I see some more brothers standing up. Come on, let's be honest. Okay, and that brother raising his hand. All right. Okay, okay. So now, here's what happens. Now, I'm going to tell you this just like I told my queen, my wife. I said, babe, my job is to keep me.

Sister, unfold your arms. You don't have to be upset. You don't have to be upset. You don't have to be upset. She mad with me already. We ain't even in relationship. Unfold your arms in the name of Jesus. I told my wife, I mean,

I told my wife, I said, babe, my job is to keep me out the street. Your job is to make it easier. Help me. Help me. Help me. Help you. Help us. When I walk and I see a sister coming in my direction and I can feel in my flesh

if that particular uniform that she's wearing is physically attractive to me I'm already rebuking okay man okay so now head down gotta keep moving head down keep gone gone gone gone if my head is up too long and I'm surveying too long, I'm immediately on a call with my wife. Because we haven't had a session. It's been too long. Right? We just being real. Hey, listen, this thing is it's gonna bleed you understand this is just

flesh I don't care who you are as a man and watch this okay every brother in here particularly up in here it's a whole lot of power right up in here the more more power you got, the more power you are given, the more they coming to get this right here. And the same weapon that you have, the same gift that you have, look, if you got a gun and you fighting off evil with that gun, that gun can be used to hurt you too. So the weapon that's formed against those can be formed against yourself. So the more power you get, the more power you are given, the harder it is to maintain all of this. Because some woman that is fleshy, who't understand her assignment is coming for you. Okay, so this is good.

This is good. What I hear you saying is that as a man, you have to be aware of the fact that no matter how holy you are, you're still a man. And you have to safeguard yourself.

Yourself. Against yourself. Against yourself. Because the reality is that women really don't have to do much. Breathe. That's it. Breathe.

Meaning women don't have to do much to get a man to operate in the flesh. Most men are already in that place. Walk. Right. It's very simple. And don't smell good. But watch this.

Watch this. Here's what was so interesting. Since we're talking about sex. Is this too much, y'all? Are we saying too much? All right. So again, we're going to go a little bit deeper. Telling you some stuff here.

So going back to sex and marriage. Yes. Which is important. A lot of times this is where the enemy does the most damage. Yes. Because the person that you are married to oftentimes can be the person you are least honest with. Yes. You least communicate with. Yes. And the person you're least intimate with. Yes. Why does this all break down? So I'll give you all some insight into my marriage. Again, y'all, I'm sharing my truth.

Okay? So Megan and I got married, you know, seven years ago in June. Amen. Give it up for seven years. Yes, indeed. Say it again. Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed.

So, you know, she, when we started, when we got married, you know, of course, somewhere in the book of Genesis, it says that, you know, women are supposed to cook and the men are supposed to take out the trash. That's in the book of Genesis. Y'all, that's what it says. That's only in the book of Genesis. So, again, so I had an expectation, so megan was like cool at the beginning of the marriage you know she's you know she had one good recipe in her repertoire it was baked chicken she could

bake that chicken y'all i mean it would come out the oven juicy man she'd have the corn some potatoes it was she'd really get fancy she'd throw some green beans okay hey and i said listen as long as there's baked chicken we gonna be alright so come home day after day from work and there would rest assured be baked chicken long true story so I'm thinking marriage is great right it's unbelievable Lord I can't believe you did this what happened what happened time so then she leaves to go shoot a television show in New York she's gone for about six months she comes back and I'm like

it's cool baby go work no problem I'll hold it down while you're gone no problem and I would travel to see her on set I would take care of my food at home no problem she wraps the show she comes home and I remember just like it was yesterday I walk in the kitchen

I'm coming home from work nothing I don't smell no chicken nothing I go over to the microwave maybe it's in the microwave wasn't nothing in the microwave I go over to the oven

maybe she just ain't turned it on yet ain't nothing in the oven so I said it's okay no problem it's alright. Ain't nothing in the oven. So I said, it's okay. No problem. No problem. It's all right. It's all right. It's the first day back. No problem. I came home again. I don't smell no chicken. Ain't nothing in the refrigerator. So what begins to happen, we're talking about expectation, unspoken, and how this can disrupt sex. I had an unspoken expectation that this can disrupt sex yes i had an unspoken expectation that this is something she was supposed to do watch this so day after day when

it wasn't done i began to get a little salty a little cold you know i come in and give her a kiss but i'm not that too chatty i'm a little like, you know, you know, like, I'm hungry, so why haven't you cooked? Unspoken expectation. So, it gets to the point where finally, we have a conversation. And do you know why?

Because when I wanted to go hunt, the sign was on the door. And so I said, well, why is the sign on the door? You've been gone for six months. And we began to have an honest conversation. And what she began to reveal is this. I could feel your expectation

and it took the joy out of it for me. Because it went from something I wanted to do to then something I was obligated to do. I'm going to come get in your marriage right now. I'm liberating someone right now. And so what I began to hear and what she was saying was like, do you love me as your wife

because I baked the chicken? Or will you love me whether I feel like baking chicken or not? And because your love feels conditional, even though I don't want to, it makes it hard for me to give myself to you because that feels conditional as well. So I said, oh, wow. Immediately, her truth really got me to a place where I said, okay, first of all, I apologize because what I realized was that I believe that by the time most women get into marriage,

most women have endured so much abuse by the time they get into marriage. Yes. Sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, spiritual abuse, right? And so much of how people treat them, especially men, is conditional. If you do this, I'll do that. If you give me this, I'll give you that. So the idea is that when they come into marriage, it's like, here's an opportunity where I can heal from the abuse and be loved just for who I am, not for what I do. And when I was putting that expectation on the marriage, and here's the crazy thing. I hadn't even asked her if I could expect that right how

can we hold someone accountable for something they haven't even agreed to do right yes you see how crazy this is yes so I'm getting mad at her but I never asked her hey babe in our marriage can I expect this right are you okay with doing this right I. I didn't do that. I just started judging her because she wasn't doing it and she didn't even know it was an expectation until I started treating her a way that was against who I said I wanted to be as a husband. Absolutely. So in that moment, I said, babe, I apologize as your husband. The last thing I want you to do is to think that my loving you is conditional. Truth be told, where did this idea that you need to cook come from anyway?

Right. That's just past. From all these ideas. If you want to do it, great. Right. But why do I think just because you're the wife, that's what's supposed to happen? That's right.

Ah. That's right. Y'all ain't ready for this truth, but we gonna give it to you anyway. That's right. So what I said to her is I said, babe, no longer am I going to put the expectation of you cooking on this marriage.

We're going to figure it out. If you feel like cooking, great. If I feel like cooking, great. But no longer am I going to be your husband and the leader and lead you in a way that makes you think this is conditional love because it's not. I took the expectation off. Guess what happened? The sign came off the door because there was no condition and there was a freedom to be who she wanted to be without the obligation to do something she may not have wanted to do. So do I get some baked chicken now and again? Yes, I do. But sometimes I'm the one trying to bake the chicken or we order the chicken.

That's right. The point is this. Too often as men, we think that our manhood is an excuse to be and do what we want to do. Yes. When really, to your point, real manhood is about service. No question about it. And if we don't start with serving our wives, how can we then think we're going to serve the community? It's impossible. It starts at home. Let me. Yes, indeed. And let me just say this. I have often said I used to.

There were certain times in my marriage where I felt like, why did God send me my wife? I can, my mother taught me how to cook. I can iron. I can care for myself totally from head to toe. I know he didn't just send my wife to me to be a physical vessel. Why did God send me my wife? And I used to sit with that every single day. And it finally hit me. If I can master dealing with my wife, I can master dealing with my life. Because my wife is going to introduce certain parts of myself that aren't good.

She will challenge me in ways that the world can't even challenge me. So if I can master dealing in that space, when I get out here, you got nothing for me. You got nothing for me. Let me give you an example. Early on, before my wife and I got married, I asked my wife, I said, what was your relationship with or like with your father? And she said, oh, I had a great relationship with my father. I was like, all right, good. Cause that's a great indication, right? I come to find out later on that actually my wife had lost her father. Her father and her mother got divorced very early on

and they saw each other from time to time. And when I found that out, I said, hey, I thought you said that you had a great relationship with your father. She said, well, we didn't fight or anything. I said, that's not a great, it's a cordial relationship, but that's not a great relationship. And what I finally realized was, wow, some of the, one of the most profound forms of abuse is abandonment. Many of our sisters, okay, brothers, I want you to not react when I say this. Don't react. Sisters, act like you don't even hear it. Have you ever been greeted by a sister and you feel like

what is all this attitude about we don't even know each other some of our sisters have been abandoned by somebody who looks like us so it's very difficult for them to give themselves over to somebody who looks like you because you look like the brother who abandoned them. How can she trust that you are not going to abandon them? Because this was supposed to be sometimes it's dad. So if dad abandoned them and you're less than that than dad, how can I trust you to not abandon me? This was supposed to be the baddest man on the planet. And he abandoned me.

What makes me think as a woman that you won't? And so what you're dealing with in our sister who greets you that way is fear. It feels like aggression. That's how we get it confused. It feels like aggression, but it isn't. It's fear. The aggression just comes from the fact that saying, back up, back up. I can't give you my heart because I can't have it broken one more time. And just because you have a wife doesn't mean that she's not dealing with that same source of abandonment. And I realized that about my wife. My wife wants to give herself over to me fully, but she is battling the small version of herself. That five-year-old little girl in her

that got abandoned. And she's still dealing with it in our marriage. And every single day, whenever she reacts to me in a certain way, I'm trying to figure out, I'm like, is this produced by something I did? Or is this produced by that dude? And I got to care for it. And what I find so fascinating about that, I know we have, you know, our time is just about up, but what I find so fascinating about that, I know we have, you know, our time is just about up. But what I find so fascinating about that, and I think why it's so important for us as men, is to, you know, when the Bible says, so often, you know, we look at Ephesians 5, we focus on women submit, wives submit.

But really, it's husbands love. No question. As Christ loved the church. Yes. And he sacrificed everything for the church. Yes. It doesn't say love if she submits. Right.

That command to us as husbands is independent of her reaction to how we love. That's exactly right. And I think that it's so important for us as men to get back to sacrifice and service and truth. Why is this so necessary? Because the only way that I believe we can navigate this flesh and honor our commitment

and not cheat on our wives and not do one thing and say another is to be able to communicate with each other. I know that there are a lot of leaders in the house. If you don't have someone to talk to, you might be positioning yourself to fall to the very thing you're trying to resist. No question about it. No question about it. It's not a sign of weakness to say, hey, I just delivered this sermon.

Yo, I need some help because what I wanted to do after this service was not what I preached about. Yo, I'm traveling, I'm by myself, what I'm thinking about doing I'm about. We need, I call in the book create a safe space. We have to have safe spaces to talk and the last thing I want to say is this, too often in the church when people are honest we judge them we sit them down we hit them with how could you so what does it do it disincentivizes anybody from being honest because it's like oh

i saw what you did to the last person that was honest they lost their job they got taken off the pulpit like no no i'm not gonna be, I'm not going to be honest. I'm going to present an image. And the reality, I'll just deal with me and Jesus. And we wonder why we're losing our power and our influence. Because people come in the house and they don't feel the truth. They feel the truth in the world. You know, young people say, yo, I listen to Drake. You know, I listen to Blue Faith.

Why? Because I hear more truth than I hear in the church. We got to change that by being honest. Yes. Just because we're here doesn't mean we have it all together. And we have to start communicating with one another as a key to get it done. One last thought. Definitely.

I know we got to go. This is a really good one. The accountability that we have as accomplished men in each other, when we see something about us and that walk ain't right, there's a phone call coming. It's very easy for us to stifle God's voice because God's voice is in us. It's very difficult to silence your brother's voice because it's outside of us.

We need that loving accountability. And I'm going to tell you something. We can come here and we can feel like, often we can feel like we got healed, but sometimes we were just distracted. The Bahamas is beautiful. Walk outside here and see how distracted you are. It will produce a great feeling.

It will leave you walking away feeling like I've been healed. You just got distracted. So we got to be intentional about saying, okay, let me go inside and figure out what's going on that I need to restore and resuscitate and then get some loving accountability around us to make sure that we're being held to that standard. That's right. That's right. That's right. I wish we had more time. Have you all been enjoying this conversation? Has it been helpful to you? So here's what I want to do. Please stand up. I first want

every woman in the house to stand, if you would, every woman in the house to stand. As two men, men of God, we want to apologize because there have been

some men that abandoned you there have been some men that abused you there have been some men that literally had no regard for your heart or your body they took what they wanted and they left and you've never heard I'm sorry.

Dondre and I stand in the gap tonight yes and we apologize we apologize we are sorry for the times when you were hurt for the times when you were abandoned for the times when we as men did one thing said one thing and did another we want you to know that we as your brothers are with you, we are for you, and we are on a mission to change the culture one man at a time. Yes, indeed. Amen. One man. Amen.

If you are a man in the house, I'm asking that you would stand right now. If you are a man in the house, I'm asking that you would stand. Look at that. I want you to know that you are greater than your struggle and it's okay to admit as a man

that you don't have it all together strength is found in weakness not in just projecting more strength I need you to know that God did not just bring you here tonight just to make you feel good or us to feel good. He brought us here as men because he wants us to change. If you are struggling in a way that nobody knows, I'm not asking you to put your business out there publicly. But I am urging you privately to find somebody you can talk with as Bishop Omer mentioned there are people here this at this conference you can talk with just

to say hey I don't know how to deal with this can you show me the way if you are a man please do not find your strength in silence your strength is found in communicating your strength is found in communicating. Your strength is found in talking about what's really going on. So as we close, Brother D, I want you to do a 30-second prayer, if you would, over the men in this house to seal this conversation. Yes, indeed. Heavenly Father, I thank you for this space tonight. I thank you for vulnerability. Yes. My brother Devon is such a great man, and I thank you so much for his loving accountability. I thank you for allowing the two of us to be able to show our vulnerability, which is really showing our true strength as men.

We have to learn how to humble ourselves up in front of our brothers and say, I don't have it all. And the reason why I don't have it all is because I'm lacking information. And if I don't have that information, it's incumbent upon me to go to my brother, be vulnerable, look him in the eye and say, brother, the vulnerability to stand in front of his brother and say, I don't have it all, but I'm making my way. Allow me to be elevated. Allow me to get the information that I need in order to be the husband that I need to be, in order to be the father I need to be, in order to be the leader I need to be, in order to be the man that you have ordained me to be. So I ask all of these things humbly in your son's name. Amen. Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for every woman in the house. I pray, dear Lord, that you would heal their heart, that you would let them know that you love them,

single or married. At the end of the day, dear Lord, I want every woman to know that they are valued and that they are valuable, that they are loved and they are loved. And I pray that what is done here tonight will resonate far and wide. It's time as men and women that we stop talking at each other and begin to talk with one another.

And I'm crazy enough to believe that that conversation and that healing begins tonight. In the mighty name of Jesus we pray. Amen. Amen. All right folks I certainly want to thank Global United Fellowship, Bishop Neil Ellis, Dondre Whitfield and Devon Franklin for allowing us to stream that for you. It really is a great conversation and be sure to get Devon's book as well as look out for Dondre's book in January of 2020. And, folks, this is why we do Roland Martin Unfiltered, to bring you these type of conversations that you really can't get anywhere else.

And so we certainly want you to please support us in what we do. Go to RolandMartinUnfiltered.com. Join our Bring the Funk fan club. Every dollar you give goes to support this show, to make it possible for us to be able to travel to places like the Bahamas ROLLING MARTIN UNFILTERED.COM. JOIN OUR BRING THE FUNK FAN CLUB. EVERY DOLLAR YOU GIVE GOES TO SUPPORT THIS SHOW, TO MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR US TO BE ABLE TO TRAVEL TO PLACES LIKE THE BAHAMAS AND OTHER PLACES TO COVER THESE EVENTS AND TO BRING

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Holla! Hey, fam, I want you to like, share, and subscribe to our YouTube channel, youtube.com forward slash Roland S. Martin. And don't forget to turn on your notifications. Thank you. ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത� Thank you. Thank you. ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത� Thank you. ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത്ത� Here's the deal. We got to set ourselves up. See, retirement is the long game. We got to make moves and make them early. Set up up. See, retirement is the long game. We got to make moves and make them early. Set up goals.

Don't worry about a setback. Just save up and stack up to reach them. Let's put ourselves in the right position. Pre-game to greater things. Start building your retirement plan at thisispretirement.org. Brought to you by AARP and the Ad Council. This is an iHeart Podcast.