rSlash - r/AITA for Swiping Mystery Sperm?

Episode Date: August 13, 2024

0:00 Intro 0:07 Swimmers 2:19 Top comment 2:30 Birth control 5:26 Estate money 7:22 House 10:31 Vehicle sale 12:51 Intervention Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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With opening moves, you simply choose a question to be automatically sent to your matches. Then sit back and let your matches start the chat. Download Bumble and try it for yourself. Welcome to r slash Am I the Butthole where OP swipes some mystery sperm to check it out under a microscope. Am I the Butthole from making a microscope slide of my husband's sperm? I think this is stupid, but my husband is annoyed with me,

so whatever. This morning I went to take a shower, and I saw that my husband had not so gracefully released his seed on our glass shower door and didn't clean it up. I went to him and asked him that he clean it up in the future, and maybe consider not doing that in our shared shower if he wasn't going to clean himself well afterwards. I don't want my shower to be filled with crusty old jizz. He argued with me that it was just shampoo and that I'm being crazy, basically. The fact that he kept insisting it was shampoo when I knew that it wasn't annoyed me. So I grabbed a q-tip and a microscope slide and glass covering and made a wet mounted slide.

If you're wondering why I have those things on hand, it's because I took a microbiology course in college years back and I kept all the stuff. I viewed the slide and I showed it to him. It was obviously sperm. We had a big fight and he got mad at me and said that I can never let anything go. And I said that we wouldn't be in that position if he just cleaned up after himself. And I told him to stop insisting that I'm wrong when I know that I'm right. We have disagreements all the time where he tells me that I'm wrong when I know that I'm right and he gets so angry when I prove that I'm right. Like when he insists our dog's vet is open on Sundays when I know that it's closed on Sundays.

Also, for context, I work as a private investigator. Me wanting to know what's true and what isn't is just in my nature. He knew this before he married me. Also, in an edit, OP says, Yeah, I know that I'm psycho. No, my husband isn't some poor, sexually repressed man taking his anger my husband isn't some poor sexually repressed man taking his anger out on the shower door. I literally do him like every day. The fact that I'm crazy means that I'm great in bed. No, I don't know why he doesn't just say, sorry for doing that, I'll go clean up my swimmers. No, we aren't getting a divorce. Say what you want, I have fun in my marriage and my life, so I'm off to go fingerprint

my box of fruit snacks to see if he ate any. Also the top comment is, I can't believe someone jizzed in the shampoo bottle at the factory. OP, I'm on your side. You get 0 out of 5 buttholes, your husband gets 1 out of 5 buttholes. Am I the butthole for breaking up with my ex boyfriend because he tried to tamper with my birth control? I am a 23 year old woman and I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years, Todd, who's

26, 2 days ago. I broke up with him because he messed with my birth control. I told Todd that I intended to be child free until I obtained my PhD and get a position with tenure at a university. I told him that I was on birth control and had no intention of getting off of it and that it would be better if we doubled up with condoms. He said okay. Two days ago we were chilling in my apartment and I told him I was going to take a bath

and listen to one of my audiobooks. I heard the microwave go off and I thought that Todd was making mac and cheese or something. I hopped in the tub and was about to start when I remembered that I have a bath bomb that I was gifted at my friend's baby shower. I got out of the tub to get it from my room and I found Todd messing with the pill packet that I keep next to my bed. I have a missing gallbladder, so I have to take prescription laxatives sometimes to be able to control my poop.

The packet for that medication looks similar, and by similar I mean exactly identical to my birth control packet, including the silver foil and the color of the pills. I asked him what he was doing and for him to hand me my pills. The package was warm. I asked him what the hell he was doing with my pills and he broke down about how he's successful in his job and I should want to have a family with him after two years. I told him to get out of my apartment, and before I slammed the door on him, I let him know that I had an arm implant birth control and that he microwaved my laxatives. I blocked his number, and he's been contacting me through my university email and is refusing

to take note for an answer when he apologizes. His mom's been texting me, as well as some of his friends and sisters, telling me that I'm juvenile for breaking up with him when I knew that he wouldn't have been successful in tampering with my birth control because I wasn't on the pill anyways. I feel so angry and violated, but they're right that nothing would have happened and I'm starting to think that I overreacted. Am I the butthole? OP, I'm coming up on my 14th anniversary with my wife, so we have a very long,

very happy relationship. And from my perspective, the single most important part of a healthy relationship is trust. It is the first stone that you and your partner place down that the rest of your castle is built upon. If you take that one block down that the rest of your castle is built upon. If you take that one block away, the rest of the castle crumbles. So after a violation of trust like this, the intentional deception and manipulation, there's just no possible way of coming back from that. No way of rebuilding the trust. Also worth mentioning, I didn't know this, but down in the comments people are pointing out that

tampering with someone else's medication is a felony. So OP could also file a police report. OP, you get 0 out of 5 buttholes. I'm giving your boyfriend 3 out of 5 buttholes. Am I the butthole since my ex left me the majority of his estate, amounting to $700,000? His parents demand that I leave it to his wife and child. My ex and I were together for almost 20 years. We never got married because it never felt necessary and we were child free. I had problems with birth control so he chose vasectomy. I found out that he cheated on me 3 years ago and I left him. He got together with his affair partner. 6 months later I heard that they were married.

I found out that I was pregnant with my current boyfriend a year into dating and even though we weren't there in the relationship, we thought that we could make it happen and sure enough, we're very happy and we love our little family very much. My ex kept texting me on occasions like birthdays and holidays. I never answered. But when he heard about my daughter, he sent me a lengthy and hurtful text message about me cheating on him. And he never texted me again. I never answered that text either. A few months later, my ex ended his own life. That was four months ago and his wife is apparently

giving birth any time now. I was surprised. I was contacted by a solicitor to tell me that I've inherited my ex's estate. He left everything to me except for a little bit for his parents and his nephew. I got a letter from him apologizing for what he did and him saying that he loved me and he wished me and my family happiness and he wanted to help with that. Now his wife and parents are very angry and demand that I leave them everything. I don't know, will I be the butthole if I kept it because this is what I actually want and is what he wanted? So personally, I consider anything related to wills and last wishes to be very cut and

dry. He left you the money, so the money is yours. It's entirely up to you what you want to do with it. And now that that money is yours, it's entirely up to you what you want to do with it. And now that that money is yours, it's entirely up to you what you want to do with it. Am I the butthole if I don't help a relative because they wasted their money buying a house for 2.8 million dollars? I'm a 40-year-old guy in a blended family. I also have a 34-year-old cousin on my stepparent's side who used to be close to me. However, due to him moving abroad and conflicts over an inheritance, we no longer talk these

days. Recently, I've been receiving calls from various local and overseas relatives asking for financial help for that cousin. He's defaulted on his house payments and is more than six months behind on his mortgage and his loan repayments because his wife, who's native Chinese, convinced him to buy a house in Shanghai. By the way, he's an American-born Chinese. My cousin had a good job in what should have been a stable company, but then he caught COVID, which really messed him up and he hasn't fully recovered.

Apparently, it seems that he got laid off eight months ago. When we were talking, he told me that he was going to buy this ludicrously expensive 2.8 million RMB house, which comes out to about 400,000 USD, which was basically just a concrete box. I told him he was insane and that he would regret it for many reasons, but particularly because he would never actually own the place due to Chinese laws. Now four years later, he still owes nearly 2 million RMB on his mortgage since payments have only been covering the interest and an additional 1 million RMB in loans for the decorations used to make that naked concrete box a place that you live in. I'm a teacher in the US and I don't earn enough money to own my own house.

So how am I supposed to give someone else money to pay off theirs when I warned them this would come back to bite them hard? In the Chinese real estate market, you're always just one bad day or one con man away from losing three generations of savings. This house was so expensive for him that it took up 70% of his monthly income just to pay the interest of the mortgage. Now I'm being harassed for his stupidity to help him out of this hole because I let on that I had a decent savings account. It's not house money, but I want to buy a new car, something nice for once and not just new to me. Even my biological family is giving me grief about this, but I don't want to help. Will I be the butthole if I don't help them? Yo, spending 70% of your monthly income on

just interest is suicidally moronic. That's not just drowning, that's caught in a whirlpool that's gonna suck you to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Even if you did give him money, he would just be stuck in the exact same situation almost immediately because he can't afford this. Also interesting fact about the Chinese real estate market. In America, when you buy a house, everything's already in it. The fridge, the cabinets, the toilet, all that stuff is waiting for you. But in China, new construction is just bare.

It's completely empty. You have to add the flooring, the plumbing, the electricity, the toilets, the sink, the refrigerator, everything. So when OP said that this guy had to spend an extra 1 million RMB in loans just to make the house livable, yeah, checks out. Am I the butthole for telling my parents that they have to sell my vehicle back to me? My parents love all their kids. They just have a soft spot for my somewhat useless brother. He just can't win. He's almost 30 and has never had a steady job. Just a series of bad jobs, wearing a name tag and a hat. Whenever I buy myself a new car, I give my old one to my

parents. I could trade them in, but I can afford to help my parents out. My cars are usually 6 years old and maybe have 30,000 miles on them. I rarely drive. The last car I gave them was a Jeep Patriot. It was loaded. I could have traded it in for $9,000. Instead, I sold it to my dad for $1. He had it for 6 months before he gave it to my brother. My brother sold it for $12,000. I could have done that. The whole reason why I was doing this was so my parents could have a good car with no maintenance issues. I just got a new Bronco so I talked to my parents. I said that the only way that I would give them my old car was if we had a contract stating that if they sold it in the next five years they had to sell it back to me for $1.

They said that I was treating them like children and that once it was their truck, they could do whatever they wanted. I was like, okay, and sold my truck privately for $27,000. I used part of that $27k to purchase my new Bronco. My dad saw my new vehicle and asked when I was going to drop off the truck. I told him I sold it. Him and my mom are upset because they're now driving a 12-year-old Kia shitbox. That's not really my problem. I tried to help them and it wasn't good enough for them.

My parents think that I went back on my word. I never promised them anything. I only ever offered them a deal. Oh man, I just love your parents logic. So when they have the car and they buy it off of you for $1, then it's their car and they can do whatever they want to, right? That's completely within their rights. But when it's your car, suddenly you don't get a say in what you do with it?

Someone else gets to decide what you do with the car? Yeah, right. How does that make sense? OP, you get 0 out of 5 buttholes. I'm giving your parents 2.5 out of 5 buttholes. I'm not gonna give your brother a score because it's not clear from the story if he knows that he was effectively stealing from you when he sold that car. Am I the butthole for laughing in my cousin's face when she tried to stage an intervention for my drug use? I'm a 27 year old guy and I have a condition which causes me to overproduce earwax. I don't tell people about it because I was bullied for it growing up. Only my wife and parents know. Every other day I have to put medication in each ear,

let it sit, then flush it out with a rubber tip syringe. This prevents ear infections, vertigo, permanent hearing loss, and worsening of my tinnitus. I've had to deal with all of these things to some extent, so I stay on top of my eardrop regimen. If my alarm goes off when I'm with others, I go to the bathroom for 20 minutes and take care of it. If I don't follow my schedule, I forget, so I can't put it off. Two weeks ago, my mom hosted a family dinner. My cousin Kara, who's 37, saw me waltz off to the bathroom to do my thing, syringe in

hand and ask what I was doing. I said that it was just a minor medical thing. She kept pushing, but I didn't want to say anything because she gossips. I told her it's personal and scooted past. When I left, she was standing in the hallway. She asked what took so long and why the toilet didn't flush. I said none of her business. She said that she didn't mean to offend. Last weekend, my friend called me to invite me out to lunch with some buddies.

He said to meet up at his house so that we wouldn't have to drive separately. I arrive at his house to find Kara and my friends sitting solemnly on the couch. Kara said they were here to talk about my problem and that they just wanted to help. I said there is no problem. Suddenly it clicked in my head what this was all about. I couldn't help but laugh a little bit out of shock. She asked what was so funny and I said first of all why didn't you talk to my wife or my parents? She said that she didn't want to involve my enablers which just made me laugh harder. She looked annoyed and said that she was done trying to help. I said, that's fine by me and she stormed out.

I explained the situation to my friends. They knew that I had some kind of condition but never pressed me on it. I guess when Kara approached them they thought that I was lying. Obviously, I would rather my friends know the truth about me than worry about me being an addict when I'm not. I thank them for their support anyways. Kara had apparently reached out to all my friends through my social media. Me and my friends had a good hearty laugh out of it, which Kara must have heard because

she was, of course, eavesdropping. She burst back in and told me to tell them the truth, to which I said that I did. My friend then kicked her out. Me and my friends went for lunch and I thought that was that. My mom called me yesterday and told me that she had talked to Kara about the whole thing and explained. She said that Kara was very upset with me and essentially called me a butthole for not explaining and then laughing in her face and embarrassing her. I said that I was embarrassed and that Kara had no right to my info.

I think that she shouldn't go around snooping and making assumptions. My mom still thinks that I should apologize. OP, this is a super weird and dumb situation. If I saw someone go into the bathroom with a syringe, my first thought would be that it's just diabetes and they need to take their insulin. Not heroin. Especially considering you had an alarm set like, oh look at that, it's 7 p.m. time for me to take my heroin. OB, your cousin is mega dumb. I guess I could kind of give her some points because she's coming from a place of concern, but I don't think she really is coming from a place of concern.

I just think she wants to gossip and stick her nose in your business. OP, you get 0 out of 5 buttholes. I'm giving Kara 2 out of 5 buttholes. That was r slash amythebutthole and if you like this content be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new reddit podcast episodes every single day.