rSlash - r/AITA I Abandoned My Disabled Child

Episode Date: May 20, 2024

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Welcome to r slash am I the butthole where OP abandons his disabled child. Am I the butthole for leaving after my girlfriend gave birth to our disabled child? Oof, this title. I grew up in a home with a disabled brother. All of my parents' money and attention went to him. They pretty much forgot that I existed. All of our family activities were predicated on my brother's ability to participate. I didn't qualify for financial aid.

I wasn't a great student and honestly, attending college would have been a waste of money. Instead, my grandfather helped me get a job on the oil rigs. It's hard, dirty, lonely work. But it pays very well. I started as a floor hand apprentice. It's basically the lowest of the low. I didn't cut off my family, but I didn't go out of my way to stay in contact either. I was working in another state and they didn't have time for me anyways.

I got a call about 10 years later. My little brother had passed away. I went to the funeral and my folks looked about 25 years older. It was good to see them, but I left pretty quickly afterwards. It's hard to explain, but I never really got attached to them since they ignored me since I was 5. I was never abused or anything, I was just sort of a second thought. Ugh, man, I gotta jump in real quick here OP and just say, neglect is a form of abuse,

so yeah, you were abused. When my girlfriend got pregnant, I was happy. We had been together for three years and I was happy with her. I hoped that I was making her happy. We talked about it and we decided to get all the tests so that we would know if we were going to have a healthy baby. Before the first test, we agreed that if the baby isn't healthy, then we were not going to have that baby.

I know that it's a horrible thing to contemplate, but I had just been through that life for 13 years and I was free of it with no interest in going back. One of the tests came back positive for one of the conditions that we had decided that we wouldn't want in a child. Please understand that I'm not in any way saying that people with disabilities shouldn't be born, only that I knew that I wouldn't want to be around for that. We had a second, third, and even a fourth opinion. I spent a lot of my savings on tests that insurance wouldn't cover in full.

It was not a great time. Then my girlfriend said that she changed her mind, that she couldn't terminate. I argued with her for days, weeks, until it was too late. I told her that I would not choose to be around to help with the child, that I would pay child support, but that was it. Our relationship was on cruise control from then until the baby was born.

I made sure that she got home safe from the hospital, and then I went to work, and I just never came back. I pay the child support that I'm ordered to pay by court. I didn't fight it or dodge it, but I haven't seen her or her child since the hospital. I got married three years later. We were expecting our first child and I heard from my ex. The child had passed away. She wanted me to come to the funeral, but I said no. I knew that this was coming. Still, it was a gut punch. My parents are upset with me for how I handled things. They went to the funeral.

I told them that I didn't want the life that they lived while my brother was alive, and that my ex had tried to force me into it after agreeing not to. They said that they were disappointed that they hadn't raised me right. I got angry and said they hadn't raised me at all. I asked them to show me anything they had from my childhood that showed that they had taken the slightest interest in me. They said that wasn't fair because they had to care for my brother. I just said, that's my point and hung up. I feel like garbage about the whole thing,

but my ex understands how I felt and why. To this day, I don't understand why she changed her mind. My wife and I talked before getting married and I made the same decision. And thank God that we didn't have to make that decision. But I understood how she felt. So anyways, am I the butthole? OP, are you the butthole here? It's kinda complicated, basically yes and no. Are you the butthole for leaving your girlfriend after you explicitly set a boundary and she

violated it? No. Of course you have a right to leave that relationship after she violated your boundary that way. But are you the butthole for abandoning your child? Yeah, you are. I do realize that you didn't sign up for this and you specifically tried to avoid it, but I mean, that's how a lot of pregnancies start to be honest. Guys and girls don't sign up for the pregnancy, but it just happens.

If you were really that insistent on never having kids, then maybe you should have worn a condom, my dude. So it's a complicated situation, OP. I do feel for you because you definitely didn't sign up for this, but the simple reality is that this is your kid. The girl doesn't have to be your girlfriend, she doesn't have to be your wife anymore, but still you've got a responsibility. So I'm giving you zero out of five buttholes for the relationship side of things and three out of five buttholes for abandoning your child. Am I the butthole for telling my sister that I am not the mother of her kids? I am an 18 year old woman and I have an older sister who's 29 who has two kids, ages 8 and 4. Most of my childhood was spent taking care of her kids while she went out to parties

and such. Now that I'm going off to do a course in practical nursing to boost my resume for university, she's asking me to put my future on hold and look after her kids so she can enjoy herself before I leave for university. The thing is, my mom warned me when I was young not to babysit or look after her kids because of her attitude, but I didn't listen. She also said that this might be my sister being jealous because she used to go to nursing school but she made friends with the wrong group in the end and she didn't pass her

final exams so she dropped out of school. So everything came to a head yesterday because applications for the course started yesterday. I was talking to my mom about it and my sister heard that I applied, got upset and started shouting about how selfish I am and how this is the only thing she's ever asked me to do. As if I didn't spend my entire childhood from age 11 to now looking after and taking care of her kids. I told her to stop being childish and that it's not my fault that she had kids.

I'm not their mother. Her kids actually call me mom. They did for about two years even when we corrected, and they still call me mom. Apparently, I should have said something sooner. My sister started yelling at my mom, saying that I'm her favorite because if I wasn't, she would tell me to put my future aside and help with her kids. Our mom told her point blank that she would never tell any of us to put our future on hold. She said that she gave all of us the same opportunity, and it's no one's fault but hers that she didn't

use hers wisely. Now my sister has kids. My mom told my sister that she needs to take responsibility for her kids because no one told her to have them and she needs to look after them. My sister started crying and left. Then my mom started yelling at me saying that she warned me from the very beginning and I didn't listen. She said that I need to stop being a pushover because I lost my whole childhood when I was supposed to be outside playing with friends, going out and just being a kid.

But I was babysitting as if I was the one who gave birth. She said that it's my fault that my sister became so entitled because when she made plans for me to go out, I would cancel to watch the kids. She's not wrong. I would always feel sorry for my sister because she knew how to manipulate me just because I don't like to see people suffer or be sad. Alright, hold on. You're… you're 18 and the kids were 8 when you started babysitting so you were 10

years old. And your mom is yelling at you because you were 10 and you got manipulated by your sister? Huh? Why didn't SHE watch the kids? Why didn't your mom put her foot down and say, no, I'm not going to let you treat my 10 year old as a free babysitter and said she's mad at you and blaming you as if it's your fault? You were 10. OP, you get a super duper easy peasy zero out of five buttholes. I'm giving your deadbeat sister 2.5 out of five buttholes and I'm giving your hypocritical mom 1.5

out of 5 buttholes. I gotta say real quick, if my kid started calling another person dad because I was out partying all the time, I would feel like the worst scum on planet earth. I would stop partying immediately. I would spend all my time with the kid because just the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. I can't believe that this happened for two years and the sister's like, okay, well, I'm gonna go out and drink. Goodbye. Have fun with your mom, little kids. Ugh. Am I the butthole for getting intercourse elsewhere

since my wife doesn't want to have intercourse anymore? A few months ago, I posted for relationship advice on another sub. Basically, my wife unilaterally decided that we are done having intercourse. She found out that she can't have kids due to a choice that she made before we met. And kids, apparently, are the only reason she was willing to have intercourse. I love my wife and I enjoy being intimate with her, but it was making our marriage untenable after two years of this. So I posted for advice. I got a lot of great support and suggestions about how to talk to my wife.

I tried a lot of it. I started going for counseling for myself as well. But no matter how I approached her about her situation, she wouldn't try and see it from my point of view. Every discussion would end with her crying and screaming in my face that I'm trying to emotionally manipulate her. I then wrote her a letter outlining my feelings and asking her to come with me for counseling, to seek it for herself, perhaps to go see a doctor. I was kind and loving in the letter. The last thing I wanted to do was set her off.

I worked on the wording with my counselor to make sure that I wasn't saying anything aggressive that could be misinterpreted. She read the letter. Then she scrawled across it with her red sharpie. Go get it elsewhere because you're not getting it from me. Then she walked out. I sat there for about an hour doing nothing. Then I told myself that that's exactly what I was going to do. We're both fairly successful in our jobs. I'm not super attractive, but I'm fit and a good talker. It took a while, but I met someone.

We started out as just friends, but it became physical. I made sure that she knew that I was married. She's not interested in a relationship, so I guess that I'm a safe option for her. My wife found out because I didn't try to hide it. She was crying when I got home one night. When I came in, she asked if I was going to leave her and I said no. She asked if I was cheating on her and I said that I was getting intercourse elsewhere. She said that was cheating and I didn't disagree.

I asked her what she wanted to do. She said that I had to stop. I said, so are we going to start doing it? And she said that I'm in a rational butthole if I thought that she would have intercourse with me after I cheated. What? I went to my desk and pulled out a photocopy of the letter I wrote with her answer in it. I went to have a shower and go to my room to sleep.

When I woke up, she was sitting on the couch waiting to talk. She said that she re-read the letter and that she realized that she hadn't before. She assumed that it was just a letter begging for intercourse. She said that she would go to counseling alone and with me. All I had to do was stop having intercourse elsewhere. I said that I'd be willing to pause my friendship until we saw a counselor, and that if I saw progress in our relationship, I'd break it off with the other girl. She said that she wouldn't agree to counseling without me leaving the other woman.

It almost turned into a fight, so I just went for a run. Before I left, I asked her what would compel her to go to counseling if I stopped having intercourse elsewhere. When I got back, she still didn't have an answer. She couldn't even say that our relationship was worth saving. I don't want a divorce, but I'm willing to leave over this. I'm 28 and I'm not going the rest of my life without intercourse. She refuses to see my side.

Alright, the line in this story that really stuck out to me is, Every discussion would end with her crying and screaming in my face that I'm trying to emotionally manipulate her. Right, right, right. So the person talking calmly is the emotional manipulator and not the person screaming and crying. OP, I think you're in the clear. At first I thought you were stepping out to sleep with other women just because your

wife got cold on you, but she literally gave you permission. Yeah, it happened during a fight, so it's not the most official permission, I guess you could say, but clearly OP had been trying to communicate over and over and over and she just refused. So there's just no way OP can get super clear, like healthy communication. Yes, I've thought about this. I think it's okay if you sleep with someone else. So the big red Sharpie, go sleep with someone else is probably the best OP is going to get.

So I actually think you're in the clear OP. I'm giving you zero out of five buttholes. I do not understand why you're with this woman. She seems awful. Even outside of the whole not having intercourse with you thing, she just seems awful. She doesn't care about you, she doesn't listen to you, she fights with you constantly, she ignores your needs, she's just selfish and mean. So I'm giving her a 2.5 out of 5 buttholes.

Buddy, just dump her and move on. That was r slash am I the butthole and if you like this content be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new reddit podcast episodes every single day.