rSlash - r/Bestof Hiring FAKE KID! $100/hr

Episode Date: January 25, 2025

0:00 Intro 0:12 Fake kid 7:38 Lonely 14:38 Edible emergency Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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that's where I went to college. And the title is, I need a fake kid to piss off my wife. My wife and I are watching Elf together and we saw the part where Buddy's real dad tells his wife about Buddy and his wife gets excited about the surprise adult kid that pops into their life from a time before they knew each other. I point out to my wife that it's a little unbelievable that the wife in the movie would immediately be on board.

I then comment that she, as in my actual wife, would actually be mad at me in this situation, even if I genuinely didn't know this kid existed and it was conceived before I even met her. She denies that this would make her mad, but I know my wife. We're in our early 20s and we've been married for 10 years. Together for 12. Oh my god, this post. So I need like a 20 year old kid to knock on the door and tell me they're my kid and that they just wanted to meet me. You gotta be convincing and really talk about how your mom and I were once really happy before she died of something tragic. Dealer's choice. The job pays a hundred bucks. Gender, race, et cetera, doesn't matter,

as long as you can pass for your early 20s. Shouldn't take more than an hour. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I want to do this soon after the new year. You come up with the backstory and I'll play along. I'll give you a little info upfront after you take the job." Then OP posted an edit. Holy cow! I have several interested potential fake offspring. I'm no longer taking applications. I didn't expect so many willing people. I'll post the winning candidate in the coming days." And then another edit. It looks like I not only have a potential fake kid, but the kid could actually pass as genetically mine. Then, one month later, OP posted an update.

So, me and her have been married a decade. We know each other well enough to know what's over the line and what's funny. That said, it was harder than I thought to secure a fake child. Sure, I had a large number of interested parties and even a couple fabulous candidates. One of which actually looked enough like me that I started wondering if one of you got my wife and were pulling the ultimate Uno reverse card on my prank. Unfortunately, interested and committed are two very different things. Multiple potential sons and daughters made it to the planning stage and found one reason or another to bail out. Let me be clear, I don't blame these folks at all.

I don't think I'd have the courage to send the first DM, let alone actually go through with the prank orchestrated by a complete stranger. But I did find a suitable actor with the courage to come through and I still think that it was money well spent. So here's a synopsis of how it played out. Saturday afternoon my doorbell rang. My dog lost his mind, as he is wont to do, and my wife answered the door since I had pretended to take a call moments earlier.

My son, looking to be about 20-25, taller and better looking than I am, asked if I was home. My wife motioned to me and I came to the door. My son, who even shared my first name, his idea, not mine, said that he had something kind of strange to talk to me about. I asked if he wanted to come in, which literally almost blew the whole thing because I would sooner saw off my own foot than invite people in my house. But my wife didn't think much of it.

We came to the living room, I offered him a drink, and he declined. My son is an excellent actor by the way. He would later say that it was the anxiety of the situation and not wanting to mess it up that made his whole nervous demeanor so convincing. He said, Do you remember… such and such? He said the name of an old ex-girlfriend that I mentioned at least once to my wife in the past. I said, Yeah? He said, That's my mother. It was my wife who reacted first with, Oh no way! So I looked at her, feigning ignorance, and then back at my son and said, Is she okay? Yeah, she's fine.

That's not why I'm here. My wife was nearly bursting out of her chair, totally engrossed and completely consumed with two strong theories. One, her husband had a long lost son, and more importantly, her husband hasn't figured out yet that he has a long lost son. So I say, Out with it kid, what's going on? He says, I'm 22 years old.

My wife's eyes essentially bugged out of her head, having now confirmed her theories in her mind. She looks at me, seemingly annoyed that I hadn't put the obvious puzzle pieces together, and interrupts my fake kid. I nearly laughed at this point, but I held it together. I think he's telling you that he thinks you're his father. My acting isn't so great, but I gave it a shot with, wait, what? My look of shock could have used some work, but it played for the audience. My son looked at me. She's right, and I'm not here to ask you for anything.

In fact, I don't have a lot of time to stay. But I just wanted to meet you and maybe exchange numbers. This is a lot to take in. I knew your mother a long time ago and she never said, I mean, I didn't know. My son continues and this kid deserves an Oscar. She never told you. She only told me this Christmas morning. She didn't say anything bad about you, just that it was over and she was already dating my stepdad when she found out that she was

pregnant with me. I say wait, does your dad know? Of course, and I've always known that he wasn't my biological father. He's a great dad, but lately I've been wondering who my real father was, so I asked my mom and she told me. Wow. I admit, I had the easy acting part. My wife didn't say anything, just took it all in. So there's not much else to tell in terms of the production. We exchanged numbers, then he got his own fake call reminding him that he was late for something or another and I walked him out. The rest of the production was just my wife and I.

I came back to the living room doing my best bewildered act. We talked about it and it turns out I was waaaaay wrong. My wife wasn't mad, miffed or even slightly annoyed. She was full on amazed, excited and entertained by the whole thing. I waited a few hours before I fessed up, but before I did, she kept saying how cool it was that I might have a son. And then I told her it was all a BS lie that I made up to prove a point. She laughed. A lot. I can't decide what amused her more, the effort that I put into the ruse or the fact that I ended up proving her right in the process. Here's a couple of gems from my wife after I told her the truth.

Where the hell did you find that guy? I'm glad your son wasn't a serial killer. I might have been mad if he came here looking for money. Next time. Next time, you can save a hundred bucks and just assume that you're wrong. You know I'm gonna get you back, right? That last one has me a little worried. Man, it's so nice having a story of just like two people who love each other, they've got a pretty good relationship, and it's just sweet and wholesome.

And OP went through such great steps to prove his wife wrong and just ended up proving her right in the end. Oh, that's so funny. Our next Reddit post is from r slash relationship advice. I'm hoping to get some advice on my current predicament between myself and my friends Sam and Sarah. You see, I'm very unattractive. I don't mean this as a put down on myself, but an objective fact about my appearance. I have a very naturally unappealing face, with several body scars that make me difficult to look at for some people. I've had most of these scars for most of my life, and of course I was born with my

face so I've never been much to look at. I've tried to compensate in other aspects of my life. I have a decent job, I'm tall and I'm in very good shape. I go to the gym and eat well. Sadly, this is far from enough to make up for how I look. I've had very few relationships and only one sexual partner, though I'd prefer that had never happened. Though I certainly tried.

I put myself out there for years and was rejected by dozens of women before meeting one that I thought would be able to look past my appearance. I lost my virginity to her and everything. But after a month, she came to my place crying and saying that though she found me attractive as a person, she couldn't get over my appearance and felt terrible. She confessed that intercourse with me was extremely difficult the two times that we did it due to how I looked. I told her I understood and we went our separate ways.

I'd have been happier if we'd been friends and never dated, if I'm being honest. That was several years ago and I swore off romantic love in intercourse since it was just hurting me. Life's been pretty good since I gave up. I wish I wasn't what I am so I could find love, but I get it. I made some great friends with Sam and Sarah. I've been best friends with them for years now and we get along great. The only issue is that they're in relationships and have this fantasy about going on triple dates with me included. The problem is, of course, I don't date, so they've been trying to play matchmaker. There have been probably seven or eight attempts now to get me

with some friend or acquaintance of theirs, ranging from being blindsided with a date when I thought I'd just be there with them or inviting girls to parties and trying to get us all together all night. I hate it! I feel bad for these girls because obviously they weren't told about this either and now they have to play nice with this weird ugly guy their friends dumped them on. Not only that, but there's this look in their eyes that I'm sadly used to now. It's a combination of sadness and fear that overcomes them when we make eye contact.

I can feel them looking at every mark on my face, getting more and more grossed out and uncomfortable. Of course they're scared. This 6'6 man looks like Frankenstein's monster has become your date for the night. I'd be scared too. I would tell my friends every time not to set me up as I don't want a date, but they get so excited to finally find the one for me and they do it anyways. So backstory aside, I just keep telling Sam and Sarah to stop setting me up. And last week, they come over to hang out, and Sarah kept mentioning this friend of hers from work and starts showing me pictures.

I see where this is all going when I find out they invited her to Sam's party in a few weeks. I say, cool, I look forward to meeting her, but this isn't a date, and I won't be letting them push me onto this poor girl. She's cute, and from what they tell me, I'm sure that we would get along great if I were normal, but that just isn't the case. Sarah begins to get upset at me and asks me why I won't just give her a shot. So I asked if this girl had ever seen a picture of me or heard about me. She admitted that she hadn't and she hadn't planned on showing her my picture or even telling

her about me until the night of the party. I admit that I snapped and told both of them to stop playing matchmaker. I was sick of it and I showed them texts from two of the girls they victimized. They were kind enough to tell me that they liked me, but they weren't physically attracted to me. I showed the texts and Sam and Sarah made an excuse and left. I haven't heard from them in a week. How can I fix this? I have made peace with the fact that I will never know romantic love.

But I still need friends! Then four days later, OP posted an update. After spending hours reading and responding to users both in threads and in DMs, I decided to reach out to Sam and Sarah and try to set things right. We met to talk and to keep it short, Sam and Sarah hadn't reached out because they felt terrible after realizing their mistakes. They were very apologetic and I promised that as long as they stopped trying to set me up and forgave me for snapping at them, then we're cool with each other.

Looks like communication saves the day! So after our talk, they asked if I wanted to come over and play some games and have a few drinks with them and some of their work friends. Sarah admitted that Laura, the girl they wanted to set me up with, would be there, but they hadn't said anything to her about me and there would be no pressure or matchmaking going on, so I agreed to go. So last night I came over for drinks and games. I met Laura and she's a lovely person.

We have several interests in common and she and I have very similar jobs within different companies so we have a lot to talk about. It's great! They didn't meddle and I got a new friend. Easy peasy. Heck, we got along so great that she's inviting me over to her place tonight to watch some movies that we both learned were some of our favorites. Then we had some pizza and complained about working in IT. So my social life is alive and well it seems. So that's about as far as my update is IT. So, my social life is alive and well, it seems. So that's about as far as my update is concerned. Sam, Sarah, and I are cool. I made a new friend and I got to talk to so many wonderful people on Reddit. I'm still ugly, but I'm very happy.

Then, two and a half years later, OP posted an update. So, me and Laura hung out the night after at her place to watch movies and eat pizza. It was great. We started hanging out more and more as time went on, and eventually she asked me out. I was terrified initially, but decided to go for it. She's not bothered by my scars. She looks at me with kindness and warmth that is indescribably wonderful to me. Laura and I are still together. We got a place not too long ago and I intend to propose to her early next year. Sam, Sarah and I are all still great friends.

We now go on those triple dates they always wanted. We even did our first Friendsgiving with them, their significant others and the kids. Laura loves getting to cook for a house full of guests and we intend to try and host more group meals now that we have a place with Spaceport. It wasn't easy, but with a growing support network in Laura and my friends, I was able to finally get more help from my mental health to work on my insecurities and trauma.

I've been going for over a year now and progress is slow but steady. Laura has been my rock. I love her more than I ever hated myself. Oof. So it's been easier than I expected to keep going to therapy appointments. So that's about it. I was in a very dark place and some kindness from internet strangers helped me through a rough patch so I wanted to repay them by at least posting an update. Our next reddit post is from r slash legaladvice. I have always wanted to dry them by at least posting an update. Our next Reddit post is from rslashlegaladvice. I have always wanted to dry pot and I have a coworker who works part time at a dispensary

and he said that he would bring me some marijuana to try sometime. I live in California so I know that it's legal but I don't go to the dispensary because my wife thinks that weed is terrible for you and she doesn't want me using it. My coworker came in to work today with some brownies that he had made at home and offered me one. I asked him if there's any weed in them and he says no. I grabbed one and pounded it down with my coffee except I noticed it tastes a bit funny. I ask about the flavor and he says it's made from all organic, different from typical brownies and laughs it off. Being the moron that I am, I shrug it off and continue through my work day. 30 minutes go by and my heart rate just spikes randomly and I start sweating bullets.

I start to breathe manually and I freak the hell out. I have no idea what's going on and I end up asking my boss to call an ambulance. I end up getting picked up and taken to the hospital and the paramedics are asking me questions on how I'm feeling, if I took anything, et cetera. I tell them I didn't take anything and they tell me I was having an anxiety attack. I get to the hospital and my coworker texts me

saying that he put marijuana in the brownies and thought that it would be funny to see me high at work. I tell a paramedic that I ingested a marijuana infused brownie and he tells me to just stay hydrated and relax. I feel like garbage. I'm stuck in the hospital right now and I'm beyond pissed off. I don't know what to do and how to bring this up to my boss or if I should pursue a lawyer. Please help.

Then two days later, OP posted an update. I had a meeting with HR and my manager yesterday regarding the edible and they wanted to know everything that happened. I explained everything and what had happened to and from the hospital. My coworker lied and told HR that I knew the brownie had marijuana and took it to get through the workday. They asked me if this was true and I told them that he was lying. My coworker also told HR that I'd been asking to try marijuana and that's true, I did ask to try marijuana, but never on the job or without my consent. HR told me they needed to hear both sides of the story to pursue further action.

The text message I received in the hospital saved my butt. I showed the text message stating the edible had marijuana and that he thought it would be funny to see me high at work. They requested a copy of the screenshot and after a few more questions, asked me to go home. I filed for workers comp and I'm waiting to hear back from my job regarding this mess and what's going to happen now. Then one day later, OP posted an update.

Charges are being pressed and he's been fired. I came into work today and had another meeting with my boss regarding the current edible incidents. They've terminated my coworker and charges are being pressed. I asked my boss if it was possible to notify the dispensary since I personally want to do as much damage as I can to this guy. My boss took the time to call them and notify his manager. Did I have to go that far? No, but he sure as hell made sure that it did. I don't know if

he's going to continue to be employed with them, but I'm glad this whole thing is over now. I've gotten no legal threats or text messages since yesterday and things seem fine. I don't know a whole lot about drug law, but I feel like giving someone marijuana, like intentionally lying about it and saying, hey, it's not a drug when it is a drug, that feels like it has to be a felony, right? That was our slash best of Redditor updates. And if you like this content, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.