rSlash - r/Bestof "I Got a Girl Pregnant by Kissing Her"

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

0:00 Intro 0:09 Not the father 6:11 Comment story 6:49 Clumsy faker Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Product availability may vary by region. See you after details. Welcome to our SlashBest of Redditor updates, where a virgin guy thinks that he got a girl pregnant. Our next Reddit post is from Stories about Kevin. This is about a Kevin who I went to high school with. I didn't know him on a very personal level, but we were in the same friend group, so we saw each other quite often. Kevin was an idiot. From 9th to 11th grade,

here are some of the things that occurred. We had pajama day at our school, and Kevin showed up in boxers with a hole in them, and barefoot. He was immediately sent home. Kevin believed that Hens' birth chicks and only laid eggs as some type of miscarriage. Kevin once found a snake in a field, stuck it in his backpack, and thought that it would be an amazing idea to show it to his biology teacher. Once in English class, we had to give a PowerPoint presentation on someone from Greek mythology. It was a simple and small assignment that our teacher gave us for an easy A. Kevin did his PowerPoint on Hercules, based off the Disney movie.

He got somewhere around 50%. He later told a friend of ours that he didn't think that it would matter since it was supposed to be accurate. We shared American history together, and once during an exam, a question was something like, was Thomas Jefferson an advocate against slavery, and Kevin wrote something along the lines of, yes, because he was also black, and was confused why his answer was wrong, because he thought Thomas Jefferson was black because of the actor who portrayed him in Hamilton.

Kevin got a job as a waiter at a local diner. One customer asked if they could have another straw because there's got accidentally bent and it wasn't sucking properly. Kevin proceeded to pick up the customer's drink, drink it himself to test it, set it back down and gave them another straw. Kevin got fired shortly after. Kevin thought that ISIS was a country in North Korea. Kevin thought Judaism no longer existed.

Kevin decided to streak across the field during a football game, wearing a Halloween mask. The following Monday, Kevin went to the office to ask for his clothes back. Kevin got expelled right after doing that. I haven't talked to him in a few years, but we're still friends on Facebook. He's gotten himself a girlfriend who is very known for her heroin addiction and is pregnant. God bless that child. Then five days later, O.P. posted an update. I haven't spoken much to Kevin since he'd gotten expelled from school and our relationship faded into only Facebook updates on each other's lives. The other day I was speaking to a friend, Sarah, who still keeps in contact with Kevin. Kevin got brought

up in conversation, mostly us laughing about the ridiculous things he did in school. Then I asked Sarah what he was up to. Now, here's something I didn't mention in my original post. Back in high school, Kevin vowed himself to celibacy. He didn't want to have intercourse before marriage. Also, despite how strong out his current girlfriend is, the only drug Kevin ever used was marijuana. I didn't think of mentioning it in my last post because I figured he might have changed his mind and had intercourse with his girlfriend. My friend Sarah said,

You know the baby's not even his. Wait, seriously? Yeah, he's a virgin. I was confused because Kevin posts on Facebook all the time of how happy he is about becoming a father. I asked, Does he know? Sarah shook her head. Nope, he legitimately thinks that he got her pregnant.

Sarah let me have a moment, just to see the astonishment on my face. She went on to tell me that when Kevin first told Sarah that his girlfriend was pregnant, she asked him when he started having intercourse. Kevin said he never did, however, they do perform oral. Kevin believes that his girlfriend swallowed, and that impregnated her with his child. Sarah and a few other people tried to explain to him that that's just not how it works, but he's either just love struck or well just Kevin. There's been speculation that the true father is a guy who graduated a few years before

us. That guy is black. Kevin is white. His girlfriend is white. She's about four months pregnant. I'll update you in a few months. Then four months later, OP posted an update. First off, I need to talk about what's happened over the past four months. Kevin's mom and my dad are extremely close, and she told my dad that she was gonna make Kevin take a paternity test when the baby's born. She wanted to take the test during the pregnancy,

but Kevin's girlfriend refused. Finally, Kevin did get suspicious by how hostile his girlfriend was being and they got a court order. At this point, Kevin kicked her out of his apartment until he could confirm the child was his and she moved in with some random guy. Meanwhile, Kevin still provided her with money and rides. I don't know all the details involving the court or the paternity test, but long story short, about a few weeks ago, Kevin's now ex-girlfriend gave birth to a little baby girl. The girl was white, but Kevin is not the father.

Kevin's mom told my dad, who told me, and my other friend confirmed. I didn't want to intrude on Kevin since I know that this was hard for him, but I told him I was sorry and I tried to cheer him up a little. I don't know who the father is. I don't even think his ex-girlfriend knows. The ex-girlfriend still claims Kevin is the father and is a deadbeat who doesn't want to be a good father. Me and a few others have called her out on numerous lies on Facebook posts but I was blocked. Kevin is slowly pulling himself back together

and I think he's doing a lot better. He definitely feels like a moron but he's doing good. The other day we decided to FaceTime, and he was trying to remove Jam Toast from the Toaster with a Butterknife. So you know, there's that. I stopped him from doing that. Oh man, for some people, it's honestly amazing that they're still alive. How does someone this stupid managed to drive from point A to point B without killing themselves and other people?

Also, down in the comments, we have this story from Maximum aside. I once went on a date with a guy and I went down on him, and he had a meltdown because he might have gotten me pregnant. I could not convince him otherwise. He insisted I had to take Plan B and wouldn't leave my house. I was young and I didn't have the confidence I have now, so we went to a pharmacy. I asked if there were any side effects of Plan B, and I was told no, so I took one in front of him. I never saw him again, but he crosses my mind sometimes

because I can't get over the fact that anyone over the age of 12 thinks that this is possible. This holiday season, let's switch to the cooking, so you can enjoy spending time with those things that this is possible. Visit swishallain.ca for contest details, while supplies last. So you think you know sports? Points vet is the sportsbook for you, because we've got the features for true competitors. Like live, same-game par leagues. Use your sportsmarts to make picks live on the players and teams you're watching. And qualified bets can use our early cashout feature. So you could take your winnings to play live blackjack

on the same points bet app. The platform that gives you everything you need. You know what to do. Bet on it. Point Spets Sportsbook and Casino. Our next reddit post comes from our slash two hot takes. So I'm a 26 year old woman and my friend, Kay, who's also 26, has been dating Andrew, a 25

year old guy for almost a year now. Honestly, until these last months, I really like them together, and he's assimilated into our friend group really well. He's been easy to talk to, and he's someone who I thought could be a perfect match for Kay. Since the beginning, Andrew has always been known for being clumsy, occasionally spilling on himself, tripping, and sometimes just being an overall goof. We joke that he's the poster child of a himbo. It started with a simple mistake. Andrew's spilling wine on Kay's outfit.

He seems so apologetic and genuinely sorry. Then, a couple of days later at a potluck, Andrew bumps into Kay while she was bringing out a salad bowl, causing it to fall on her foot and giving her a pretty nasty bruise. Again, he was apologetic, but this time it just rubbed me the wrong way. It seemed awkward the way that he had bumped into her. And there were more of these accidents, like ripping a dress when he was falling, trying to catch his balance, dropping a bowl of chocolate ice cream on her shoes, and spilling an ash tray that landed all over her hair. All of this is just giving me a weird feeling. Like, why does it feel like his clumsiness is getting worse? Also, I gotta point out, why does the clumsiness only happen to her? It's kinda

weird he's not being clumsy with anyone else, you know? Recently, we were having a movie night. K was sitting on the floor and I'd gotten up from the couch to get some popcorn when I see Andrew walking over with hot tea. I'm thinking there is no way I'm gonna let Andrew spill piping hot tea on K by accident. So I get up and say, oh thanks for grabbing this. Do you mind grabbing me popcorn since your closest? And he kind of gets a defensive tone with me saying, yeah but let me give this to Kay first. I said no, it's not a problem, I'll give it to her as sweet as possible and took the mug out of his hands and gave it to Kay. He seemed kinda distant the whole rest of the evening.

I talked with one of my friends in our group just about the tea drama, and she said that Andrew might've been pissed off, feeling like I was babying him. I think that if he's been prone to hurting his girlfriend, wouldn't he want to avoid situations that could get her seriously hurt? Wouldn't you want a friend to help you? Am I just overthinking this? I want to talk to Kay about my concern soon because I'm really scared for her. I just want to be wise in how I speak to her because I don't want her to take anything I say the wrong way. Any advice would be so helpful. Then the same day, OP posted an update.

This evening I got a text from Andrew. It seems that my friend Sarah had told him about the tea situation. He texted, Hey, just wanted to reach out and let you know that I wasn't pissed with you. I played it cool and just replied, Hey, no problem man, just wanted to make sure all was good with you. He messaged me back, low, yeah, why wouldn't I be? And I left it alone after that.

I reached out to Sarah to ask how the story was relayed to him and she explained that it sort of came up in conversation. She had told him that I hadn't meant to baby him and hope that I didn't make him pissed off by taking away the teacup. Sarah is a fixer, and I think that she just wanted any conflict between us to be resolved. While I know that she was coming from a good place, I'm a bit frustrated to have my words twisted into what she believes happened.

Then OP adds a few clarifying details in the comments. Andrew's clumsiness, while a parent, was always self-inflicted, like a small spill or mostly tripping over his feet. Only recently, his behavior has become more pointed towards K. Like, it's rarely him who gets injured or spilled on it a party. It's only been K. Also, the dress that he ripped was one of her favorites. Also, when he spilled chocolate ice cream on her, it completely ruined her heels, which were white. Then, three days later, OP posted another update. So, I talked to Kay this morning. I started off the conversation normal when Kay says, Hey, why were you concerned about Andrew bringing me tea? I said, I noticed that he'd been

more clumsy lately, and I wanted to avoid either of you getting hurt. She was quiet for a bit, then asks me, do you think it's odd how he's been acting? Considering the advice that I got from these posts, I said, I care about you, and I want you to be safe. I don't want to hurt you or Andrew, but I feel like most of the accidents have come at your expense. I don't want it to get to a point where you have a worse injury. This is when Kay burst out crying like I have never seen. After composing herself enough to talk, she says that she's been so suspicious of how these accidents have been centered around her,

and how validating it was to have someone else feel the same way. It's been causing her a lot of anxiety, and she felt so relieved when I took the teacup away from him. She's tried to suggest to Andrew that he should go to a doctor, but he just says that he's perfectly fine. Kay isn't confrontational, so she just drops it. So I said that how recently Sarah and Andrew and her were all hanging out together. Sarah told Andrew that I was upset that he was hesitant to hand me the teacup and it was a completely different story from what Sarah told me. I said something along the lines of,

hey, did you think that I upset Andrew by taking the tea when I asked him to get me popcorn? I hope I didn't come off as rude. Then, Kate told me something really disturbing. How, during this conversation, Andrew and Sarah started joking about K being a battered wife. How ridiculous the idea would be if Andrew was really abusing her and some really dark jokes.

This head Kay feeling like she was crazy to think that these accidents might be on purpose. Also, they had said some things about me that made Kay so upset that she couldn't even tell me. Kay said that she felt trapped living with them and how he's intertwined in our group. She felt like she needed to wait to have proof that he was faking it to make it worth having a bunch of drama. I feel horrible that she felt so alone in this. I was pretty blunt and just asked, do you still love him?

She responded, I don't. I think I don't even like him anymore. So we talked about the best way for K to leave Andrew being as safe as possible. Kay called in sick to work and we went over to her house and talked with her friend, Lea, her roommate. Andrew was out at work, so we quickly moved all their things into Lea's room. She is a key to her door. Anything that was super sentimental to either of them we packed in my car.

Kay is going to stay at my house and Lea wanted to stay with a family member who lives not too far away. K is written a letter to Andrew ending things. She's going full no contact. She said a date that she expects him to leave. He moved in with her so he doesn't have his name on the lease. Our friend Mike and Cory will be staying at the house. This is to ensure nothing will be damaged due to some accidents. Also, to let K and Leah know when it's safe to come back. Thank you all so much for your advice. Tomorrow I plan to go on a little shopping spree with Kay.

I just want to do everything I can to alleviate her anxiety. So far we know that Andrew has seen the node and he's packing up to leave. So far so good. Then a few weeks later O.P posted another update. First off Kay is safe. However, last week, Sarah dropped by one of our friends house to leave a letter for Kay in her mailbox. It was very odd.

It was written from both Sarah and Andrew's perspectives. What? Saying how hurt they were, that the way they've been treated was so unfair, that it isn't healthy to go from being someone's everything to just shutting them out entirely. They said how they were happier without outside influences and they hope that Kate could find the freedom they'd found together. They said a lot of gross comments about personal struggles of myself and others in the friend group that pain us as crazy people. You know what? What? They ended it with how they just wanted to move on that this was

their goodbyes and they would welcome her back if she ever wanted to reach out to them, but would respect her wishes to go no contact. Okay, went to a psychiatrist, she's trying to figure herself out and that's pretty much the end of the updates. Okay, I can actually speak on this. I am a very, very clumsy person. It's not funny, it's not cute, it sucks. In the past year, I'm not exaggerating. In the past year, I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs. Not from the middle step, not from almost the top step, but from the very top step. Tumbled all the way down, it hurt all the way down, landed on my butt, had a giant bruise, it sucked. Here's a video that I dug up that my wife took of me pushing my daughter on a swing

set at the playground and me pretending that she's kicking me, and somehow I managed to trip and just completely faceplant in the middle of the park. We're talking a full blown faceplant, as in my face hits the ground at the exact same time as the rest of my body. Luckily for my pride, the faceplanting happens off camera, but I'm just sharing this with you to show you, yes, I really am that clumsy. So trust me when I say I'm extremely clumsy, it sucks so bad because I am constantly hurting myself.

Now, keep word there, hurting myself. The number of times that my clumsiness has resulted in hurting someone else, probably like one or two times in my entire lifetime. So this guy always being clumsy towards his girlfriend, I just straight up don't buy. That's not my experience at all. Most of the time it's just, you're by yourself, you're getting out of the shower, you slip, you land on your knee, your knee hurts for a week, and that's just kind of how it goes. Also, because I'm so clumsy,

I have learned that I have to develop safeguards against myself so that I don't hurt myself or others. Every single time that I walk up or downstairs while I'm carrying my child, I hold the railing. No exceptions, I don't care if it's one step, two step, three steps, I always hold the railing because I know, I know, dad, me, because you're so clumsy, you can't afford the risk. You have to hold the railing because I know, I know, dad, me, because you're

so clumsy, you can't afford the risk, you have to hold the railing because otherwise, you know, actually not that a thing about it, I'm not even exaggerating, two weeks ago, I was carrying my daughter down the stairs and I slipped on the stairs and I twisted, but because I was holding the railing, I was able to keep both of a sub-right and it was no harm, no foul. I wear slippers, every single, I'm wearing slippers right now, I wear slippers every single day. I'm wearing slippers right now. I wear slippers every single day. I'm in a hot booth.

You guys, I'm in a recording booth. It is hot in here. It's stuffy. I'm wearing hot slippers because I just wear them all the time because if I don't wear slippers, I will fall on my face. I literally need the traction. I don't care if it's summer and it's 90 degrees,

I will literally be wearing slippers. So the fact that this guy gets upset that you're safeguarding his clumsiness is complete bullshit. I'm just, it just, it literally is just bullshit. Because if you really care about not hurting other people with your clumsiness, then you specifically go out of your way to safeguard it. Yo, when, when, okay, when our baby was first walking around, people would cook and when they cook, they have the handles of the pots out into the walkway. And every single time I'd be like, you can't do this, we have to turn the handle away

so that the handle isn't out because you could get pulled or knocked down and then the hot boiling liquid would have fallen the baby we can't do this. And when I said this, at first my wife was like, yeah, I understand, but Lily is way too small to reach the handle. It's gonna be months and months before that's relevant.

I said, yes, that's true, but what about me? I will knock it down my mistake, and I will burn her skin off, and then I will have to deal with that for the rest of my life. So please, I'm commenting, my clumsyness, and she's like, oh yeah, you're right, and then she did it.

So, okay, I'm saying all these stories just to help you understand, I really am really super clumsy. So when they say it takes one to no one, I can tell this person is not clumsy. This is intentional. The amount of clumsiness he has done to her is excessive. And him getting upset that the clumsiness is being safeguarded is super toxic and backwards.

So I am a million percent on your side, OP. This is essentially disguised abuse. I feel it in my bones to be true. My broken, bruised, bloodied bones. I know it to be true. That was our slash best of redditor updates. And if you like this content, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.

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