rSlash - r/Bestof "Sleep With Me If You Want Your Cat Back"

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

0:00 Intro 0:14 Flatulence 6:47 Ultimatum 11:53 Punched 13:38 Trade you Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer-beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. GamlingTom, call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Welcome to r slash best of redditor updates, where OP's daughter's boyfriend steals OP's cat and is holding it as blackmail to force OP to have s*** with him. Our next reddit post is from NoStupidQuestions.

Why do my husband and I experience severe flatulence after visiting his parents? This is not a joke. For years we've been noticing that every time we visit his parents, we fart profusely for hours afterwards. There's no milk products involved or unusual foods. Even if we eat nothing while there, it still happens. Whenever we stay there overnight, I actually suffer from a painful gas stomach ache. What is this phenomenon? Then OP posted an update. Since there seems to be a lot of interest, I'll be conducting a full investigation. We've ordered a water test online.

Make no mistake, there will be no stone left unturned. I believe that, between me and my spouse, we have drastically been elevating the levels of methane in the atmosphere every time we visit. If not for ourselves, we have to solve this mystery for the environment's sake. Frequently asked questions. What is the elevation? We live at 520 meters elevation. They live at 503 elevation. Do they feed you lentils, beans, broccoli, or artichokes? I love beans and lentils and cook them frequently at home. My mother-in-law doesn't ever cook beans. More importantly, the farts when we leave there are worse than bean farts.

Think long gushes of wind like air leaving a small untied balloon. It also happens when we don't eat there at all. Do your in-laws fart? Do they even know? The accepted topics of conversation are world politics, current events, careers, and local issues, with many poignant silences sprinkled in between. Farting is not on that list. The mood there is kind of like an episode of The Crown.

Think high-brow, northern European, academically inclined people. I'm the wild card of the family, a heavily tattooed Latina creative. I'm also the only one without a college degree. If even their own son won't ask, I cannot be the ones to bring up farts in their presence. Is it stress? We do lead stressful lives. Visiting them while mentally taxing is not the most stressful situation in our lives. We don't fart this profusely in other stressful environments. Do you laugh or

talk a lot when you're there? No. So unless staring blankly into the void is equivalent to laughing, that's not the reason. Are you Canadian? I've been getting multiple messages asking me this. This is deeply intriguing, and it has me wondering if there's a stereotype I'm not aware of that Canadian people fart a lot. So Canada. Does Canada produce a lot of gas? Please explain if you can. I am NOT Canadian. I'm South American. Then OP posted an update just to say that she got the water sample. Then another update where she says, So we just dropped off the kids there and took an empty bottle. We filled it here and brought it back home.

dropped off the kids there and took an empty bottle. We filled it here and brought it back home. Needless to say, I am farting as I type this. I'll wait for the farting to subside, and once I'm healed, I intend on drinking said water in the comfort of my own home. This should help establish whether or not the water alone affects me or if there's an emotional component to the flatulence equation. Maybe it's a unique combination of weird water and a slow death of joy. The water test should arrive in the next few days. Then two weeks later OP posted an update. The title of the post is Fartgate Update.

Farting friends of Reddit, here I finally am, delivering the first results of my fart water research. It did take me a while to muster up the courage to share these, as they were tragically underwhelming. I had envisioned an experiment where I would bring my own water, whereas my husband would drink theirs as a control. Then, we'd observe whether both are sphincter-sang on the way home or not. Unfortunately, the visit to pick up the children from my in-laws was almost transactional, and too short for me to personally attest the effects of water on my body as I'd hoped.

There was no drinking water, no poignant silences over tea, and no feelings of impending doom to the sound of my father-in-law's low rumbling voice recounting the never-ending story. We barely talked. We did get the test results of the water kit though. As per the results, the only things that are really off are the pH and the hardiness, both having very high values. I do wonder if these are enough to induce such extravagant displays of wind. If any doctors read this, please do enlighten me. I would have needed to stay there longer to do a bacteria test. I intend on doing it in a few

weeks once I visit them again. But until then, the strongest theory is that pH and water hardiness are likely to blame. Then OP posted another update. The mystery has not been solved. Bob Dylan once saying that the answer is blowing in the wind. My answer certainly seems to be. Makes you wonder if Bob Dylan encountered digestive issues similar to ours in his younger years. Now I want to address one question I've been asked a lot. Do your kids also fart a lot? Up to this point, I was convinced that this was not the case. You see, for the past few years, flatulence is the only topic of conversation when on the drive home from visiting

their grandparents. My husband and I became like two obsessed cops discussing an unsolved case. Except our soundtrack wasn't synth music. My oldest child is nine, old enough that I would expect her to express some bewilderment if she suddenly felt like a helium balloon. Especially if both of her parents were talking about farts for 45 minutes in the car while audibly farting. She never did, so I figured this was an adult-only issue. So I never gave it much thought. After reading the question so many times, I did decide to ask her, just to clear the air for good.

Heh, I like that pun, OP. Child, do you also notice that you fart a lot during or after visiting your grandparents? Oh, absolutely! I can't stop It's like I'm a rocket ready to fly into space. I was dumbfounded How would she never express this all this time? She just sat there in silence quietly sharing in our plight like a fart ninja I asked her why she never said anything. I was listening, I didn't have anything to say. I wanted to see if you two could come up with a solution.

And sometimes I got bored so I just stopped listening. And that's my baby. Truly a quality specimen of the neurodivergent kind. Also flatulent. Conclusion, alcohol cannot be to blame. Our next Reddit post comes from r slash amithabudhole. I'm a 35 year old man and I've been married to my wife, who's 37 for 7 years, and we were together another 3 years before that. We had a daughter who's 5. On the outside, our marriage appeared to be perfect. She and I own a nice house in a good school district, have a great kid and both work full time.

Her job requires her to do some travel and once her in the office three days a week. My job doesn't pay as well, but I completely work remote and I spend a lot of time taking my daughter to soccer or doctor's appointments as well as keeping up around the house. Before anyone asks, this is not a weight gain issue. I'm active and fit and my wife is the same. For the past four years or so, my wife has shown basically no interest in our marriage and acts more like my roommate than partner. We have basically no romance or intimacy. When I say intimacy, I know people will jump to intercourse, but to me, intimacy means acting like a couple, hand-holding, kissing, cuddling, and obviously passionately hugging. None of these

are really things my wife wants to do and makes it painfully obvious that she isn't interested. Before, she and I were very much an amazing couple. My wife also shows no interest in my life. She's forgotten important events like our anniversary and my birthday. Our last anniversary, she said she needed to cancel the dinner plans I made for the two of us because she had to work late on a Friday and travel for work the following week. I brought this up to my therapist who suggested couples counseling and was willing to give some recommendations. I brought this up to my wife who immediately shut it down, saying, there's nothing wrong

with me, I don't need therapy. I've made multiple suggestions to her for how we can possibly improve our relationship. Family vacation? Our daughter won't appreciate it. I don't see what five-year-old wouldn't want to go to the beach for a couple of days, but maybe I'm wrong. A romantic getaway for just her and I? No, I'm too busy at work.

Or can't we just spend time together at home? Taking our daughter on a bike ride or going out to lunch on a weekend? I want to just relax. So I gave up trying to initiate anything with her and recently began looking for an out. I talked to a lawyer, got papers ready, and I can buy a condo in town. I recently confronted my wife when our daughter was at a playdate. I told her that I'm seriously considering leaving her since I feel as though I don't matter to her and our relationship

is never a priority to her. I told her I have an exit plan and if she doesn't make changes by the new year, I'm gonna file for divorce and full custody. She and I got into a big fight where she basically told me that I was manipulative and a butthole for blindsiding her like that. I told her that none of this would have been an issue if she cared about us or at least pretended to. I told her that I don't want our daughter to see how unhealthy this relationship is. Then, 13 days later, OP posted an update.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, unfortunately. My marriage is over, and after talking to my wife, I realized that it has been for a long time. The day after my post, I began the divorce process with my lawyer. Everyone who said that I was a butthole for saying that I was going to get full custody, that's true. I was angry, frustrated, and said something I shouldn't have. We're going to split custody, with me having the weekdays and my wife having weekends. That said, everyone who said that she was cheating, congratulations, you were right.

She's been cheating for around four years now, which is about the time that she started withdrawing from our marriage. She's been cheating with this co-worker, which is about the time that she started withdrawing from our marriage. She's been cheating with this co-worker because she felt like she wasn't attractive after having a child, and I was busy with work and childcare. More recently, she's begun to develop feelings for him and was considering leaving me for him, which she's now free to do. When I gave her the ultimatum, she was surprised that I was considering leaving her and thought that I knew about her affair at the time. We sat our daughter down and explained that we're splitting up, but we both love her more than anything.

My daughter was understandably upset and is having a tough time. I'm going to be moving into my condo in early January and my wife is going to move in with her coworker about 15 minutes away. Down in the comments, people are asking OP how he found out and he says, I found some credit card statements that didn't make sense, so I confronted her. According to her, and she's a liar, so who knows, the feelings developed a couple of years ago and she wasn't sure how to address it. I personally don't care what she feels at this point.

Then, five months later, OP posted another update. My divorce has been finalized. I feel exhausted and relieved. I'm looking forward to starting the next chapter of my life. This was the longest six months of my life and I'm happy that it's over. I do feel a little empty, but it'll pass eventually. My ex-wife dragged parts of it out more than needed, which was frustrating. She ended up finding her own place, which she was not happy about.

She's also pregnant, but neither of those are my problem. I have primary custody of our daughter. She and I are both doing well and adjusting to things a little bit. Wait, hold on. The wife had to find her own place, which means I guess her relationship with her boy didn't work out? Oh well, looks like she lost both of her men too bad So sad our next reddit post comes from r slash

Am I the butthole am I the butthole for laughing when my mom said that it's my fault that my brother got punched I'm an 18 year old guy and my brother is 19 before he went to university. We had a massive argument I had just discovered that he slept with my now ex-girlfriend. She confessed to me, which led to me breaking up with her. He claimed that it was a one-time mistake and that it meant nothing, but I still told him that I no longer wanted to see him again. He lived with our mom while I lived with our dad. Later that day, mom visited me.

He said that he kept his pent-up anger and then unleashed it at university where he kicked a campus cat. What? That led to him getting punched by someone who also studies there. She then told me that I should visit him, also adding that this was my fault. What? At this point, I just laughed. It was an incredulous laughter, rather than one born out of amusement. Mom narrowed her eyes in me and said that I shouldn't be indifferent to how she's feeling. Then, 20 days later, OP posted an update. So, some of you said that he was lucky to get only one punch for kicking the cat. Well, my mom just called me.

He's been beaten up twice for it since then. No sympathy for him, though. She still... she still wanted me to visit, so I told her no and when she insisted I blocked her. We're now no contact. Okay, CLEARLY OP's brother is the golden child and OP is the scapegoat. Because the fact that this woman is blaming OP for him kicking a cat is nutso. That dude might have to change schools. Honestly, I'm surprised he's only gotten hit three times for kicking the cat is nutso. That dude might have to change schools. Honestly, I'm surprised

he's only gotten hit three times for kicking the cat. I have to assume that every single person on campus knows that he's the cat kicker. Our next reddit post comes from r slash legaladvice. My daughter's ex boyfriend took my cat when they broke up. He contacted me a couple of days later and said that he would return the cat if I would passionately hug him. I want to know what my legal options are. I live in Oklahoma.

Down in the comments someone asks, how old is the boyfriend? If you trade him sex for the cat, you're engaging in prostitution. OP replies, he's 18. I am in no way considering doing it. I just want to know if I can use his demands against him. Someone else says, you can file a police report for your stolen property. OP says, I tried that. The officer said that it was a civil matter and wouldn't take the report.

This was before the daughter's ex made his demand. Guys, I apologize, but I have to make this joke because it's right there. Your daughter's boyfriend wants to trade pussy for pussy." Then OP posted an update. I got my cat back! After seeing everyone's responses to my last post, I decided on a course of action to get my cat back. Long story short, I was able to contact my daughter's ex

and told him that I would do what he asked. But it had to be at my house, and I had to be able to see my cat first so that I would know if he even brought her with him. He agreed and showed up at my house and I had to be able to see my cat first so that I wouldn't know if he even brought her with him. He agreed and showed up at my house with my cat. As soon as he was in the house and I had possession of my cat, my boyfriend, who was also my daughter's father, and my daughter's new boyfriend, both came out of the bedroom and nicely escorted the ex-boyfriend off of my property without further incidents.

You know, I honestly can't figure out when this boyfriend was dumber, when he stole the cat thinking that this would work, or when he fell for the most obvious trap in human history. That was r slash best of redditor updates and if you like this content be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new reddit podcast episodes every single day.