rSlash - r/Confessions I Embezzled $50,000 from My Company

Episode Date: November 6, 2024

0:00 Intro 0:08 Stole a book 4:22 Lost inheritance 6:54 Comments 7:33 Bad thing 11:23 Ipod 13:04 Office supplies 14:32 Saved 15:15 Vore Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey Listener, it's Zach Harper, Amin Elhassan, and Anthony Mays of Cinephobe. You may be asking yourself, what is Cinephobe? Amin, would you like to fill in the people? Cinephobe is the podcast where Zach and I watch movies that are poorly rated on Rotten Tomatoes and try to ascertain whether or not they're accurately poorly rated, or maybe they didn't get a fair shake. Cinephobe, produced by this guy Anthony Mays. Hey, that's me, I've produced this show. I also watch the movies, even though that wasn't get a fair shake. Cinephobe produced by this guy Anthony Maze. Hey that's me I've produced this show I also watch the movies even though that wasn't included in

the description and I also ascertained this month is wow oh Maze why do you say that super charge it so that this promo can remain evergreen. I feel like explaining a little bit more. In 60 seconds? I don't know, maybe I don't bring attention to it. Assuring people like, look, if you listen, you're gonna get it. Just give it, give it time. That's a good promo. Just listen to it. Give it time.

You'll figure it out. Is this the promo right now? Isn't it? Okay, I think we got it. Sit-a-vogue! Where'd we get podcasts? Welcome to r slash confessions, where OP is either the world's smartest or the world's dumbest thief.

Our next reddit post is from FM. When I was 10, I was addicted to reading encyclopedias. I could spend hours learning about all sorts of stuff, staring at the illustrations and photos and of course smelling the books. However, I could only get my fix at my local library because my parents could barely afford food for us, let alone buying fancy books. So I became a regular guest at the kids and teenagers section of the library. One day I couldn't get there in time, so I only had about half an hour to spend there

before closing time. Not just that, but they also had a brand new 400 page encyclopedia waiting for me on the shelf. It was love at first sight. I felt awful because I knew that I couldn't do much reading in such a little time. And then there was this lovely smelling book with a montage of astronauts, cars, and magnificent landscapes on the front cover just begging me to read it. Sadly, the library wouldn't let you borrow encyclopedias back then, and time was ticking.

I thought about just stealing it, but the book was enormous and I wasn't. I wasn't a bad boy either, I told myself. But what if I just take a few pages? That surely won't hurt anyone, and no one will notice it's missing. So that's what I did. The book was binded in such a way that I could carefully rip out about five pages in one go. I wrapped the pages around my foot, slipped them into my socks, covered my socks with my pants and just casually walked out.

The first time, I actually said, thank you very much with a big smile to the librarian and she gave me that awkward, what the heck are you talking about look. My 10 year old mind quickly realized how stupid I was to say that and that maybe even I could go to jail for this so I just rushed out sweating and with my heart jumping out of my chest. Originally, I wanted to return the pages at the next visit to the library but as I was sitting on my bed at home, reading about the wildlife in Africa, the only content I had at that time, I came up with the master plan of repeating this process until I got every page. And my plan worked! Not just that, but I improved on my technique. I wrapped pages around my feet, my arms, and I also

kept a stack on my back, tucked carefully in my pants. I could get about 20 to 25 pages in just one day. Ha ha ha. I remember walking slowly like a robot on my way out as I didn't want to crush the pages too much. I couldn't bend in any direction because the pages were holding my limbs tight. After several visits to the library, the encyclopedia began to visibly shrink.

So I got some paper from the photocopy room and replaced the missing pages with blank ones. My last visit was the sketchiest because I had to take the trophy somehow. By trophy, I mean the hardcover with the astronauts on it. There was no way to wrap it up like I did with the pages, and it was too big to hide it anywhere on me. But I was so close to victory, I just couldn't let it go. I had the shiny cover in its full glory in my hand. I put it under my t-shirt on my back.

I put my hands in my pocket, trying to hold the cover with my elbows. I was scared to the bone that they would catch me and send me to jail. I checked my reflection in the window. I looked like a terrified Lady Gaga with fake shoulder pads. But I was also shameless by this time, and I knew that I was an awful person. It was nearly 5 o'clock, and every library- goer left. The librarians were doing their closing up routine so the front desk was abandoned. I just walked out without anyone noticing me. I glue- hahaha.

I glued all the pages and cover together at home. The book was nowhere near as majestic as before, but I loved it anyways. I've never stolen anything else in my life, and I'm so sorry for this. OP, I genuinely can't tell if this epic heist is genius or idiotic. Like why couldn't you have just stolen it like a normal person, which is just stuff it in your backpack and then wait until the coast is clear and make a run for it? Our next reddit post is from ShortSpare. I visit my grandparents overseas pretty often,

and every time I go, I get sick. I can count the number of taxi cabs I've spewed vomit in the back seat of on the way to the hospital, because that number is precisely equal to the number of times that I visited my grandparents. So I am sick, and I wake up in the middle of the night extremely hungry, so I decide to go wake up my grandfather to ask him to help make me something to eat. I know, no beloved me. It's at this point that I believe God attempted to send me a warning. A random memory resurfaces right as I'm about to open my grandpa's bedroom door.

Last night, my grandmother randomly mentioned, with more than a note of excitement, that she was going to sleep in my grandfather's room. Well, okay, I was 12 and didn't think much of it. I was a stupid 12 year old who didn't respect privacy and I opened the door. This memory is scorched into my brain. My grandfather is on top of my grandmother delivering the most insane front shots, missionary, to my poor grandmother, who a few hours ago was feeding me medicine. I'd never seen him move like that.

The technique! My god! And the noises! The noises! I was there for a good five seconds maybe before my grandpa realized I was there and promptly flipped off of my grandmother like nothing happened, saying something casual like, hey buddy, close the door, be there in a minute. So I closed the door.

My memory of what came next is a bit fuzzy, but he basically made some food and warned me to knock on doors before I entered. I don't think he thought that I really saw anything, so I basically just acted like I saw nothing. I ate my food, shut my mouth, and tried to go back to sleep. My grandfather passed away a few years ago, and unfortunately, this is my most vivid memory of him. This was absolutely harrowing to witness at 12 then, but now I think it's kind of funny. I hope you're having a good time in the afterlife, Grandpa. Just, hopefully, not as good as you were

having that night. Nobody needs to hear those noises, man. Anyway, I highly regret opening that door. I hereby vow and warn you all to always knock before entering doors, lest you intrude upon someone's privacy and permanently scar yourself. This post from Vegetable Switch down in the comments. I walked in on my parents 69ing when I was about 10. My mom spit my dad out and yelled at me to close the door. Then this story from Brad Bow. I walked in on my parents at 9 years old. My mom's legs behind her head and my dad just destroying her. I started to cry and threw up. 45 years later, I still see it.

Reliving this memory, I may have to start drinking again. Our next reddit post is from NorthEvidence. I did a bad thing and now I have to live with it. 12 years ago, when I was 18, I visited my cousin's home for vacation like I usually do every year. Next to this house, there was this woman who lived with her husband and two daughters. Just like always, we usually spent a lot of our time at her place playing cards and watching movies. She was so kind and beautiful. I loved her.

She was also pretty cool around me. One day, while my cousins were out, I went to her house and found her alone doing chores. We talked and she opened up about her life. She was actually venting to me, but my focus was on her body. Knowing that she was vulnerable at that moment, I started to flirt with her. Assuming that she wouldn't have any objection, I started to caress her back. And then, in no time, I hugged and kissed her. At first, she stood there surprised, but since I didn't stop, she kissed me back. And then, in no time, I hugged and kissed her. At first, she stood there surprised,

but since I didn't stop, she kissed me back. Afterwards, we ended up doing it. The whole thing just happened in under 15 minutes. Yeah, I suck. And I'm 100% sure that I didn't satisfy her. I left and went to my cousin's house. The more I thought about what just happened, the more I panickedicked fearing her husband would find out. The next day, she acted as if nothing had happened. So, when I got the chance, I asked about it. And she said that it was a one-time thing, and I'm still a teenager, and I don't have to worry because she's not going to tell anyone, and she told me to do the same. Which relieved me. I stayed there for two more weeks before returning home. Then I got busy with college and I lost touch with them.

The last time I saw her was at her daughter's wedding. We talked a little and then she got busy with other guests. Two years later, I learned from my mother that she committed suicide. I called my cousin and talked about the details and he told me that her husband was abusive to her mentally and physically and that she had been struggling details, and he told me that her husband was abusive to her mentally and physically, and that she had been struggling for years, and he had seen her crying and complaining about her life to my aunt. I was devastated, regretting that I'd only focused on my desires instead of her pain. I don't even know why she cooperated with my advances,

maybe out of pity. I'm not sure, but thinking back about that day, I might have noticed some bruises under her dress. Everything's a blur now and I'm worried that my brain is intentionally blocking the images. And the last time I met her at the wedding, she didn't look happy, but tired. I even stalked her daughter on Facebook to look through her old wedding photos to see if she looked happy. There were rumors that her husband was involved in her death, especially since he remarried just three months into her death. I should have noticed the signs.

I've seen him being a sore loser and exhibit anger after losing a card game, even when there's nothing at stake. I've seen him fighting with his daughter because she had a boyfriend. I knew both of his daughters were terrified of him, but that's pretty much normalized in my country. One time, he and I got into a political argument. I rebutted all of his points and he became so furious and serious that his wife had to intervene to protect me.

But he was funny every other time and won't hesitate to spend money for food and other items when I'm around. I should have done something. I don't know what, but something that would have kept her alive. I've kept this secret for years, even from my present psychiatrist. I am ashamed of myself and thought that this is better than to keep it hidden. You know, I kind of feel like this would be a decent plot to a movie where an 18 year old boy has a brief affair with a married woman and then he suspects the husband of killing the woman

so he investigates the husband to eventually avenge her murder. I'm not saying that OP should do that, I'm just saying he's in quite an interesting predicament here. Our next Reddit post is from OnMyWayToday. The year is 2011 and I'm in year 7, my first year in high school, and I got sent to a class where I literally knew only one person and she and I never spoke. It's a few months into the year and I'm sitting in math class and this one girl who I just couldn't stand and who also bullied me on and off just kept interrupting for the stupidest things and just generally kept getting on my nerves the whole lesson. Part way through the lesson, the teacher tells us to leave our things in the classroom so

we could go to the computer lab and I was the last to leave the classroom. Note that most kids hid their iPods under their pencil cases during class so they could get away with using it and I knew for a fact that she left hers there. I don't know what possessed me to steal her iPod, but I did and she never found out. But now I leave school and her iPods are still in my short pocket. Nobody knows what I've done. The girl thinks that one of the guys was screwing with her and doesn't suspect me at all. Now the one defining feature of her iPod was the back was completely covered in small, circular stickers. Hers had gotten so worn down that they had almost fused with the device. So,

I did what I could and scrubbed those stickers off until it looked brand new. I didn't use it at all, in fear of my mom seeing it and screaming at me for being a thief. So it just sat in my room, gathering dust, until about a month later I overheard the annoying girl asking some people if they know anyone selling an iPod. One week later and I made $150 bucks by selling a girl her own iPod that I had just factory reset and scrubbed down. Our next reddit post is from Feistyad. I used to work as a technical program manager at an offshore office for a Fortune 500 US company.

Our team had about 30 people at its peak. Designers, software engineers, business analysts, and me, the only technical program manager. In 2023, the company laid off the entire office. I was asked to stay on as the last person to handle all the paperwork, return tasks and equipment before they finally fully shut things down. After wrapping up my tasks, I waited for months without hearing anything from the company. No emails, no updates, just silence. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I sold all the office equipment on the black market. Nearly 60 MacBook Pros, around 100 UltraSharp monitors, over 100 Herman Miller chairs, plus

desks, TVs and other office gear. It's been over a year now and still no word from the company, so I think I'm in the clear. I checked OP's post history and unfortunately he doesn't list how much he made, but I think you could probably reasonably sell... Let me see, I'll pull out a calculator. You could probably sell a MacBook Pro, a brand new MacBook Pro for like $500 pretty quickly. So 60 of those, that comes out to $30k? This is just a guess, right?

I have no evidence for this. But based on my speculation, OP probably cleared, I don't know, 40, 50 thousand dollars from this, so dang. Our next Reddit post is from SexySexySissy. About two years ago, I saved my partner from getting hit by a drunk driver. When I say saved, I mean I drunkenly tripped on a manhole cover and fell over with my arms out. And with my arms out, I pushed my partner out of the way of a car, which still hit me. My partner says that moment was when she fell in love with me. Whenever she visited me in the hospital, I was on drugs due to mental health stuff, and she called me cute in the hospital bed.

Hey man, saving a life is saving a life no matter how you do it. I say take the credit for it and don't tell anyone the truth. Our next credit post is from throwaway. I am aroused by vor and it's draining on my mental health. For those who don't know, vor is like the imagined fetish of being eaten by someone or eating someone else. I think my earliest memory was in kindergarten when I imagined what it would be like to get eaten by my teacher and feeling really weird because of it. After that, it only got more solidified by things like the beginning scene of Men in Black 2 or various scenes in different cartoons. And now, here I am, a young adult who gets turned on by the idea of being swallowed by

hot women. What the F? The thing that's starting to get to me is like, some of the things I like are on a psychopathic level. People being treated like their lives don't matter is a common trope and it makes my heart burn with anger and disgust. But lo and behold, I also love it. It's just like why did it have to be me? Why couldn't I just be turned on by something normal? It's also getting to me that it feels like I'm keeping a secret from my girlfriend. We've been dating for about two

years now and while she knows that I find stomachs attractive, she has no idea that I have this fetish. And I feel like I'm deceiving her for letting her think that I'm a normal person. Part of me wants to tell her and hopes that I can move past this, but like, how could she possibly understand, let alone accept, why I'm like this? I don't know, man. I'm just kinda worn out by this. Yeah, that's rough, OP. It seems like it's really...eating you up. That was r slash Confessions, and if you liked this content, be sure to follow my podcast, because I put out new Reddit Podcast episodes every single day.