rSlash - r/Maliciouscompliance I Made Her Smell My Stinky Salami

Episode Date: March 31, 2021

r/Maliciouscompliance OP decides to do some shopping at a convenience store, where he happens to find some packaged salami. Delighted, he buys the seemingly innocent meat and takes it home to eat. However, when he unpackages the ancient and terrible beast, he discovers a foe that no mere mortal could defeat. He takes the stinky sausage back to the convenience store, where the clerk demands OP to unwrap the salami before she processes a refund. You want to smell the salami, lady? Don't say I didn't warn you! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Make every moment a little more magical this season with a Starbucks red cup in your hands. Wrap yourself in the warmth of one of our familiar faves, like a peppermint mocha or a caramel brule latte. Find your festive with the Starbucks app. Welcome to R-Slash, a podcast where I read the best post from a cross-reddit. Today's subreddit is R-Slash malicious compliance where OP shows up poor cashier his stinky salami. Our next breaded post is from Entax Burrito. I'm a broke college student. Not like the, I spent all my money on doordashing weeds, so I don't have enough money to go

out with friends kind of broke. But rather, the, I once ate a piece of cheesecake that I found on the side of the road because I was hungry kind of broke. Anyhow, I've managed to find a way to swindle a certain convenience store to unwittingly give me cupons that I could use to get free food every now and then. I'd worked there before, so I knew how to take advantage of their cupon system as much as they had taken advantage of me while I worked there. Well, one day I'd gotten $11 in cupons, which I was very excited to excited to buy myself some groceries.

Now, convenience stores are great, but when it comes to groceries, well, they aren't grocery stores. So, options are a bit limited. Of course, it's all free for me, so I'm not complaining. So I'm walking up and down the aisles, looking for something slightly nutritious so I can eat real food and not get that groggy. It's the, I've been eating nothing but peanut butter and bread for the last week type of feeling, you know the one. After grabbing some peanut butter and bread,

something paint catches my eye. My heart drops. Could it be? Do they have meat? My legs take me over to the meat stack faster than I can process this miracle. And I'm suddenly face to face with a giant stack of packaged salami. Finally, some good, effing food. I grab myself a package of salami and it becomes my new best friend. I imagine our life together. The sandwiches, the snacks, and best of all, the satisfaction of having a real meal. I put the peanut butter back in exchange for some mayonnaise and mustard. Peanut butter has gotten me through some hard times, but sometimes you just got to upgrade. I'm sorry old pal, Papa just needs some meat. I go to the checkout stand with my salami, beaming like a maniac. After getting home, I'm ecstatic about this meat and I immediately unwrap the salami.

As soon as I begin peeling it, I realize my mistake. Instantly, the wrath of Genghis Khan charges directly from the meat to my nostrils with a weaponized stench that pulls at my stomach. This is no salami. This is a foul, vile monster. I try to reseal the salami to contain it stinge, but it's just too powerful. The salami refuses to be contained. Panicked, I scour the house for anything I can find to banquish this terrible monster

that's been let loose in my house. I happen to cross the freezer bag and I throw the salami into it. This displeases the salami. Furious, the salami begins planning its revenge. The freezer bag contains a stench, for now. So I placed it into the fridge to return to the store the next day. I thought the freezer bag would subdue the Salami until the next day, but I am a fool, a jester, a clown. Over night, the Salami rebuilds its arsenal. The night passes and I'm ready to rid myself of this foul demon. I open the fridge. The most putrid, insulting,

horrific smell ripped its way out of the fridge, grabbing me by the nose and tearing it clean off. The taste of salt fills my mouth. And I'm unsure if it's from the salami or the tear streaming down my face. I rush to grab another few freezer bags and contain the salami as best as I can. The stench of the salami has filled the room. It's not going away on its own, so I open a window and head back to the convenience store with salami in one hand and a receipt in the other. I arrive and make my way to the cashier. As usual, I look malnourished and have baggy clothing, which makes me a suspicious customer. I hope to send the Salami back from when it came, but the cashier had his own concerns. Of course.

So why exactly are you returning this, sir? I think to myself, please don't make me open this bag. The Disppleased Salami grows eager. I say, it smells really bad. I would open the bag, but I really don't think that's a good idea. I think to myself again, please don't make me open this bag. The Salami knows what's about to happen. Sir, I can't do this refund without you opening the bag. Either open the bag or take it home.

I think to myself, you're making a mistake. The salami is preparing to strike. I said, I put in a clear bag so you can scan the barcode through the bag. Trust me, you really don't want me to open this. I think to myself, please, for the love of all things holy, do not make me release this monster. The salami is foaming at the mouth. Sir, I can't do this refund without you opening the bag.

I either open the bag or take it home. I can't refund your money if it's in a bag. Keep in mind that I worked through this chain for three years and that was never a policy. I think to myself, I don't know why you would make that up other than it catch me in some sort of act, but please just trust me. The salami suddenly goes silent. It's ready. I say, are you sure?

Yes, it is our policy. No it isn't, but if you insist then very well. Don't say I didn't warn you. I barely crack open the freezer bags, and the salami, furious, bursts out with a stench so sour that even the Karen in line behind me pulls the mask over her nose. The cashier begins coughing as I pull the salami out of the bag. She apologizes profusely about the foul smelling meat and scans the beast before issuing me 599 in store coupons. I take the freezer bags with me leaving no line of defense between the cashier and the salami. You said you can't

accept bags, right? Well, I guess I'll just keep those bags then. She tries to use a store bag to contain the salami, but to no avail because store bags are on airtight. You didn't want my bags, so have fun working next to the salami until the line dies down. I grabbed two jars of peanut butter and buy them with the coupon and head back home to have me some peanut butter and bread. I should have just stuck with old reliable. My favorite thing about this story is that salami can be used as slang for a certain male body part. So if you read this story with that mental image, this story becomes so much more entertaining. The displeased Selami becomes eager.

Yeah, I bet it does. Our next reddit post is from Fickleman Night. I'm a 19 year old guy, and I work as a cashier and a gas station in Miami Gardens, Florida. Naturally, the people that come into the store tend to be on the crazier side. This store had a line of maybe seven people. Now, at this point, I had the register closed sign up and I was stocking the vaporizers and accessories on the shelves by the counter. My coworker was handling the customers in line. I turned when I hear the door opening. I politely ask,

excuse me, Miss, do you have a mask that you could put on? She scoffed at me and rolled her eyes as she dug in her purse for a minute or two. Finally, she pulls out a ratty little mask with only one functional strap and holds it to her face while she's waiting in line. Well, apparently she couldn't do that for very long. She comes to the front of the line, ranting about how the line is too long, and that we shouldn't be keeping a valued regular customer waiting. I've been working there for four months, and I've never seen her. I'm fairly confident I know all the regulars. I tell her there are a few things the manager left for me to do before the end of closing, and then I have to get them done. She didn't like that at all.

I demand that you open your register right now. Okay, you got it, lady. I moved the register clothes sign and turned back to her. I said, do me a favor and stand a little bit to your right. Surprisingly, she complied, albeit with her arms crossed and what I can only assume was an angry gaze firing through her mask. Cue the malicious compliance. I yell out into the store, next customer.

It dawns on her what I'm doing, but the next customer shoots up in front of the counter before she can even fully process it. I go about the transaction as normal, despite the fact that this lady is yelling at me at the top of her lungs, no longer holding the mask to her face, mind you. I finish up with the other customer and I turn to her. She tries to yell over me, so I raised my voice to be as stern as possible. I tell her, just because my register is open now, doesn't entitle you to skip all the other people in this line who also have lives and jobs and other responsibilities. Get you the back of the line and be respectful, or

I'll have no choice but to remove you from the store. The lady harrumped loudly and walked subjectively to the spot of the line that she had before she left. Since then, more people had gotten in line. I said go to the back of the line, I told her pointedly. She dropped her shoulders and walked to the back of the line like a toddler. So while I'll definitely agree that this was an entitled rude customer, I kind of find myself agreeing with her. Oh, P, there were seven people in line and you left the register closed so you could stock the shelves. When I was younger I worked at a subway and then a grocery store and if I was stocking shelves while customers were waiting in line my manager would have chewed me out.

This episode is brought to you by Chambers Plan. You won't find two businesses with the same challenges but you will find 30,000 businesses with Chambers Plan. You won't find two businesses with the same challenges, but you will find 30,000 businesses with Chambers Plan employee benefits. They've all chosen value added features that evolve with the times, with industry leading rate stability, so there won't be any nasty surprises come renewal. All from a not-for-profit local provider. See how Chambers Plan can benefit your business at hellochambers.ca. That's HelloChambers.ca. Why do I love getting my last minute gifts at Shoppers Drug Mart?

Well, lots of stores, many open late, great collection of gifts, and let's not forget the PC Optimum Points. I get gifts for them and points for me. And so can you. Go to Shoppers, Exclusions Apply. Our next reddit post is from Bravefield. One of my job responsibilities working in the complaints department of my company is that I have to write letters to customers.

We don't use templates, and each letter is tailored to the individual. Sometimes, customers raise multiple complaint points, and each point is carefully addressed in the letter we send. We outline everything the customer is unhappy with, our full investigation, and what we're doing to put this right. Or alternatively, we carefully explain why their complaint isn't justified. A new manager, Steve, was hired a few months ago and he decided that we were wasting too much time writing letters.

And he was going to come up with a template for us to use because we were obviously too simple to understand how letters are meant to work. So he goes off and traps a template and proudly shares it with us all. To put it bluntly, it was garbage. It was full of typos and grammatical errors, and it also didn't contain details of what the complaint was or how we had resolved it. Of course, this was pointed out to him in full about why this was not appropriate and why it would lead to more complaints and it's basically terrible customer service.

He lost his temper and screamed and yelled until three separate people cried, and two people had to log out of the virtual meeting. Afterwards, he sent an email saying that he once his letter used exactly as the way he had attached it. Who am I to argue? I sent the letters exactly as he had written them. I copied and pasted to ensure that nothing was changed exactly as he asked. Right down to his signature and contact details at the bottom of the letter. I told the rest of the team about this, and they're all sending letters with Steve's details too. Within the first week, Steve had 40 angry customers call and email him complaining about the letter

that we'd sent. The week after, he had 50 angry customers. Steve hasn't looked into any of their complaints, so he doesn't know how to address any of the customers and he doesn't understand their issues. So I get phone calls day in and day out. This man is livid. What was he complaining about? Each time I reply. Oh, it should all be explained in the letter I sent. You know, the one detailing all the complaints, my investigation, and the resolution in full. I would just

check that. Bye! The whole department is now under investigation because customer satisfaction has taint. The best part is that because Steve's the one on the letters, all these bad reviews are against him. Every other member of the staff has 100% satisfaction because no negative reviews are logged against us. Our names aren't on the letter. Steve has 0% satisfaction. It's a terrible shame. Down in the comments, atheist comic says, let us know when Steve gets fired so we can laugh. And then the user expedient replies, yes, and please use this template exactly. Dear Reddit, Steve was fired lol, sincerely OP. Our next Reddit poster from the adorable minion.

My job is very mentally taxing. I also have my own mental health issues, so I try my best to keep a balance, but I just want to help, so I get caught up taking on more responsibilities than I'm actually able to do. So a couple of weeks ago, I realized my mental health was in steep decline. I was ignoring the signs so that I could push through, but anyone with mental health issues knows that you can only ignore the signs for so long. I tried to get ahead of an impending mental crash, and I talked to my supervisor to tell them I had to take three days off.

I did tell my supervisor I needed those days due to burnout and mental health, and they said they understood and would get back to me. They contacted me back and said they could probably give me Wednesday and Thursday off, but they couldn't give me Friday off. I asked if, instead, I can take off Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. They say they'll get back to me, and I gotta text soon after to ask me to help cover other shifts. But I obviously can't, so I decline.

They get back to me the next day. We can get your shifts covered for Wednesday and Thursday, but not Tuesday, and you have to make up the hours. That was the last straw. I just broke. I was asking for a break because I was working too much because it was hard for me to say no. I even called them in tears and explained even further why I need the days off.

I've been going through trauma therapy and my mental health has been declining. I told them that I'd spoken to my doctor and that my doctor said that I was showing signs of burnout and recommended some days off. And that was true, I had talked to my doctor the day before. All they heard was the word doctor and said, then we need a doctor's note. Okay fine, good thing I have another appointment. I had to work that day and I was just defeated because they couldn't find anyone to cover my shifts. I talked to my doctor, and he says that he could tell that I'm in distress, and he put me on two weeks of leave immediately.

My managers did not look pleased when I handed in my doctor's note. That was two weeks ago, and I went back to the doctor, and he extended my leave for at least another month. Oh, also, when I gave them my doctor's note with four weeks on it, one of them wouldn't even look at me and the other just said, oh, doctor's note, thanks. Our next reddit position from YG. I work as a developer and a company that creates very fast automated systems for moving around money electronically.

So obviously, we have very strict testing and error checking for any code that goes in a production system. I'm one of the guys who performs this verification. So three months ago, I found a little bug in a patch that was written by this one other guy who had been working at the company for only a year longer than I had. He had the title of senior developer, whereas I'm just a developer. It didn't really make any difference though. That was just something you get with a small pay raise once you do three years of the company as a developer. Anyway,

I noticed his bug and email him so we can fix it and resummit the patch. But he turns it back on me, telling me that his code is correct and that I'm just testing it incorrectly. I tried to explain it to him, but he doesn't budge. Tired of the pointless arguing, I suggest that we should clear things up with our project manager. At this point, he pulls us in your D card and says that I should just do what he says because I'm his junior. Now that just pissed me off. This guy has absolutely no authority over me. Who does he think he is? Cue malicious compliance. I knew the bug wouldn't manifest itself immediately. There were certain conditions it had to be met for it to show itself in a production environment, and it didn't do anything wrong, it would just crash the system unexpectedly.

I asked him one final time in the email thread whether he's sure he wants me to go ahead with the patch. He said yes. Alright, now we have buggy code running on a production machine that moves millions of dollars every minute. Nothing happened for three months. Everything was normal. Then last week, it finally happened.

Our system crashed. Well, we have protection set up for such failures that roll back the binaries automatically. However, the crash still costs the company a few hours of downtime, which means potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars lost. The crash was traced back to the patch that Mr. Senior Developer had written. I had that email to absolve myself of any trouble. The resolution was quick, and needless to say, Mr. Senior Developer no longer works with us now.

So back at my job before I was a YouTuber, I worked in this like big corporate office setting and I distinctly remember one time we had this big meeting with like managers and everyone and the managers were explaining that some people were getting upset because they weren't getting title changes and if it was really important people they could like change titles but some people didn't deserve titles and I was just like completely bewildered by this because the way our company was set up, changing your title didn't actually affect your pay at all. So why were all these people getting uptight that they didn't have the titles they wanted? To me I was thinking who cares about titles, give me more money.

Right? Like why would you care about that as a promotion? If I got promoted, I wouldn't care if they called me senior such and such. I just want more money. Anyways, when I started my YouTube channel, I also created a business entity because it's way more convenient for business,

tax stuff, that's really boring. But anyways, so I created my company called DabbaCab LLC and I was filling out the form and this accountant was helping me and there was like okay what's your job YouTuber what's your title on my YouTuber and the accountant was like well you know that's your job that doesn't necessarily mean that's your title is there anything else you want to call yourself I was like well I can just say whatever I want I give myself any title and And he said, yeah, so according to an official document

filed with, I think the US government, I am the grand emperor of the internet. So yeah, I guess what I'm trying to say with this is that titles are complete and utter BS. That was our slash malicious compliance. And if you like this content, check out my Patreon where I publish extra episodes. Also, be sure to follow this podcast

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