rSlash - r/Militarystories The World's DUMBEST Soldier

Episode Date: April 29, 2025

0:00 Intro 0:07 Live grenade 2:09 Sarge 11:55 President Obama 15:28 Lincoln letter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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The PC Insider's World's Elite Mastercard. The card for living unlimited. Conditions apply to all benefits. Visit pcfinancial.ca for details. Welcome to r slash military stories where we have the world's biggest idiot. Our next Reddit post is from Limp Barracuda. When I was in basic training in Fort Benning, we were on a grenade range. We had gotten done practicing throwing the fake grenades and moved on to throwing live grenades. We each went one by one running to a shack to grab a live grenade while yelling,

LIVE LOAD when we ran. I don't know what the purpose of that was. All of us were lined up behind a wall with a window so we were watching everyone throw. My buddy goes up next, grabs the grenade and runs over to the instructor. The instructor then orders him to pull the grenade pin, strike a pose and then throw. As soon as he throws it, he accidentally drops the grenade. My friend stays frozen, confused on what to do, but at the last minute the instructor pulls him over the cover barrier and pushes my friend to duck. As soon as he ducks, the grenade exploded.

My friend was still on the ground, shaken and shocked on what had happened. Then all of a sudden, the instructor gets on top of him angrily and then proceeds to strangle him. Another instructor and my drill sergeant had to come over and pull him off my friend. They both didn't get any injuries besides my friend getting strangled. My dad actually described something very similar because he signed up for the army, I think it was, and he told me an almost identical story about grenade training. Though the way he described it, they stood over this kind of like a ramp structure so that if someone

dropped the grenade, it rolled down the ramp and then into this like hole so it exploded safely. But there still had to be an instructor nearby because apparently a certain percentage of people will pull the grenade pin and then just freeze in place. So the instructor is there to basically karate chop the guy's hand and force him to drop the grenade if he freezes, which my dad said happened at least once. And you have to remember, these are soldiers. They've gone through basic training. They've got drill sergeants yelling at them.

They've handled guns. So if they freeze when pulling out the pin of a live grenade, it makes you think that the average citizen is way more likely to just freeze and blow off their own arm. Our next Reddit post is from Sloppy Ice Cream. This story is about Hawk. Hawk is, hands down, to this day, the dumbest

soldier I have ever had the pleasure of serving with. He should have been swallowed. How far before we reached the fallopian tubes? It's gonna be a while, we just passed the tonsils. That there should have been Hawk's life story, but somehow this benevolent bastard clawed his way to adulthood. Hawk was in trouble all the time when he first arrived. The growing pains of being a freshly minted private in the United States Army. These growing pains never stopped though. The punishment did, to a degree.

Not because Hawk adapted to the army life, but because eventually you start to feel bad for punishing someone who's truly that oblivious to their errors. His father was a hard-charging full-bird colonel. Hawk was the complete opposite. By the grace of God and the power of Grayskull, Hawk eventually climbed his way to the prestigious rank of specialist. At the time, we were a country at war, and the cracks for people to slip through

had become a bit wider. Little did we know, those cracks would transform into canyons, and Hawk was about to slip through another. We were about three months into our Iraq deployment when the announcement came. I don't have the five W's about said announcement, but it came. All soldiers eligible for the Sergeant Promotion Board will go. There are always soldiers eligible for the board, but that doesn't mean you send them. My oldest kid is eligible by law to drive my car, so long as there's a willing adult with a Death Wish riding shotgun. Simply, eligible does not mean that it's a good effing idea.

We received the news, scratched our heads, and then did everything in our power to prepare this humanoid for the Sergeant Promotion Board. Hawk, the guy who had, no kidding, left his grenade bandolier in the porta potty so many times that the local national Iraqi who cleans them knows which outside door is closest to his room. We were in deep with Hawk. Fast forward one month. The day is upon us. I should mention one thing. I was previously a radio telephone operator,

but had been promoted to Sergeant. As a result of my promotion, I was also moved to a fire team leader position. I just inherited Hawk. He was no longer a novelty I laughed at. He was now MY soldier. I would be his sponsor for the board. Super! Now, for non-army folks, the Sergeant Promotion Board is basically a question and answer. Each of the company first sergeants are present, about five humanoids, and the president of the board is the command sergeant major, which I'll call the major. The sponsor typically walks into the board and describes why this soldier should be promoted and the Major typically reviews his counseling packet, as in good and bad events or monthly

reports. Now, I'd been to a Sergeant Promotion Board, but I've never sponsored anyone. The rest of my teammates were out on an overnight mission, but I needed guidance. I went to my first Sergeant. He'll be sitting on the board and I figure he'll provide me sound advice. My first sergeant is an ex-delta operator doing his diamond time before hitting back. His advice was simple. Be honest. Easy enough. The board. I'm not even the one going in for promotion, but I am nervous. The other board candidates are going in and back out at a steady pace.

I am nervous. The other board candidates are going in and back out at a steady pace. It's now game time. The personnel slash finance clerk opened the door to the tent and instructed me to go in. The major said, Good to see you again, Sergeant Opie. How you doing? Doing well, Sergeant Major. Yourself? Can't complain. Now tell me why Hawk should get promoted. Promoted? At this point, the Major has a puzzled look on his face. I said, he shouldn't get promoted. Then why the F is he at my board? I was told all eligible specialists had to be boarded. The Major's eyes tell me that he remembers the all part of the order.

Tell me about Hawk. Well, I've only been his team leader for… Briefly tell me about Hawk. Picture a room with no windows and only one door. Stop! This better be good! This better lead somewhere, Sergeant O.P.! My first sergeant spoke up. Let him finish, Sergeant Major. This could be good, I think. Picture a room with no windows and only one door.

I could put Hawk in that room, with one cat and one dog. I could give him very explicit instructions. Hawk, I'll be back in that room with one cat and one dog. I could give him very explicit instructions Hawk I'll be back in five minutes. Make sure the dog doesn't eat the cat Sergeant major you could go back in that room 30 seconds later and there would be no cat no dog a dead a Dead effing elephant and Hawk won't have a clue about how the eff it happened That is Hawk's Sergeant Major. I was not prepared for the earth-shattering scream from the Major. Send Hawk in and get the eff out of my board! Typically, the sponsor stays in the board during

the entire ordeal. I would not experience that luxury. I was John Wick and excommunicado. I returned to my room and just sat on my bed, just replaying the entire event and wondering if I would be in trouble. I know how my sponsor acted in the board and I know he didn't get kicked out. The minutes continued to pass and Hawk was not back yet. Maybe the board was going well? Then the first sergeant walked in. OP, that was the funniest stuff I'd ever heard in my life. We were all laughing hysterically.

Really? I didn't get that impression. Have to be professional, OP. After you left, the Major had tears in his eyes. How did Hawk tell you it went? Huh? I thought he was still in there, at least until I saw you. I told him to report to me immediately after the board.

I don't know where the eff he is. How'd he do? Hawk walked in, saluted, and did well with drill and ceremony. Then came the questions. I was the first to ask questions. He had the answers to my questions. I asked, Hawk, what's the maximum effective range point target of your assigned M203 grenade launcher with a high explosive dual purpose. Nothing. He was just staring at me. I repeat the question. You know what that guy said?

It's his weapon, but I can only imagine. My first sergeant starts laughing, trying to compose himself. Tears are in his eyes. He said, he said, I'm sorry, first sergeant. I wasn't paying attention. Not I'm sorry, can you repeat the question? He's laughing even harder. But he said I was not paying attention not I'm sorry. Can you repeat the question? He's laughing even harder But he said I was not paying attention at this point

I have no words there are thoughts in my head, but my brain refuses to communicate with my mouth hole He was kicked out immediately afterwards. He was only in the board for a couple of minutes Suppose you should go find him the first sergeant leaves and I continue to sit on my bed. I ponder where I should begin to look. The base was extremely small, but we're talking about Hawk here. That happy-go-lucky idiot could very well be the greatest hide-and-seek champion of the world. I start with the barracks. No luck. It's been lunchtime throughout this entire ordeal. I check the chow hall. He wasn't there either. The only two places I could think to check were the internet cafe and the phone center. Again, no luck. I then went building by building until I was approached by the recon medic.

Hey, OP, you in such and such company? Yeah, you have a guy in the aid station. For what? He got bit by a dog. I get to the aid station where Hawk is just finishing up. The physician assistant is telling him, just make sure you're careful with the stitches and keep the wound clean. I'm thinking, what the hell? I say, Hawk, meet me in the team room when you're finished. I return to the team room and wait patiently for Hawk. Then I continue to wait.

He comes strolling into the team room with a to-go plate from the chow hall. He did not come straight back to me. This idiot went to the chow hall first. Meanwhile, my stomach is growling and now the short bus window licker is sitting beside me. I ask him, how'd the board go? I think it went well. Really? I thought you got kicked out. Oh yeah? I just sit there, head in hand, staring at the ground. So when do I get promoted, Sergeant?

You got kicked out of the board. That's a pretty surefire way to NOT get promoted. Should we ask Sergeant Major? No! F-ing no! Don't ask anyone! Just sit there and feed your face! Also, why the hell were you in the aid station? I got bit by a dog. How?

After I left the board? I cannot describe my level of anger and frustration. But Hawk is dumb. I just want answers. Hawk, I understand you got bit by a dog. How did this transpire? Please describe in great detail how this happened. After the board I went to the chow hall for lunch.

I took my scraps to the front gate where the dogs hang out and I was trying to feed them. Then one bit me. I think he was just really hungry. This is your second lunch. You're eating lunch number two? Are you serious Hawk? F-ing serious? I was hungry after I got...

I was hungry after I got bit Sergeant! Sergeant? Yes Hawk. Am I going to the board next month? If you ever meet this kid, just remember what Mark Twain said. Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Hawk is that idiot.

Cheers! So yeah, Hawk is definitely dumb in this story. But what I want to know is, who in their right mind put Hawk in charge of an M203 grenade launcher? I don't think I'd trust this guy with a pair of chopsticks, let alone a high explosives. Our next reddit post is from Sting. The husband of my cousin, Ashley, was killed in action in Afghanistan. She was obviously heartbroken.

It had to be a closed casket burial because of the nature of his wounds. He didn't suffer that much we know. I, along with much of my family, was by her side helping her cope with this tragic loss. They'd only recently gotten married. In fact, I'd never even met her husband. Well, over the course of several days of grieving, Ashley had grown tired of all the well wishes. She had a son to raise without a father, was tired of people reaching out to her, and just wanted some peace.

That afternoon, she told us she was going to grab a bottle of wine reaching out to her and just wanted some peace. That afternoon, she told us she was going to grab a bottle of wine and relax in her room and didn't want to be disturbed. About 30 minutes later, the phone rings and my aunt answers and my aunt says, Ashley isn't taking calls. When the next thing I heard was, yes, of course she's available. My aunt tells me that President Obama wants to speak to Ashley if she's available. It's not every day that the President of the United States asks you if you're available for a call. I rush to my cousin's room to grab her.

She yells at me to leave and she's not interested. I tell her that she's gonna want to take this call. And she goes, I don't care who wants to talk to me. And I go, it's Obama, Ashley. She stops and goes, I don't care who wants to talk to me. And I go, it's Obama, Ashley. She stops and goes, Obama? I go, yes, Obama is on the phone. She hops out of bed and runs to the phone. Everyone got quiet and we asked her to put her on speaker.

A few moments later, Obama came on the line. Now I'll be honest, I wasn't sure what Obama could possibly say to a grieving widow, a woman he's never met to make her feel better about the loss of her husband, a man he never met. How could Obama possibly get my cousin to see hope was beyond me, but I was eager to listen. Obama was so good with his choice of words, he was honest and direct. He said it would be a lie to say that he could relate to her loss.

He hasn't lost a loved one to combat. That he can't imagine the pain she must be feeling. However, he wanted to personally call her and tell her that he's in awe of the sacrifice that he gave to his country, and he feels terrible that our family has to carry this burden. It was eerie listening in that living room filled with family with my cousin talking to the president. Not a word was said.

And at the end, Obama did something that I didn't expect. He offered a legitimate helpline. Obama said that he was aware that she's entitled to certain benefits and that he understands that none of those benefits will ever make up for the loss of her husband. However, she should receive everything she's entitled to and should she have any difficulty in receiving those benefits, he's going to give her a number to a member of his team who can ensure she receives those benefits. I am reading my explanation thinking back on that call.

In no way, shape or form am I even approaching to the level of elegance, professionalism and comfort that Obama provided in that short call? My aunt wrote down the number, she thanked Obama for his call, and told him it was, by far, the single most meaningful call she'd ever received in relation to her husband's death, and the call ended. She never had to call that number, but she had it. I Googled it, and that number did not appear on any official government sources.

So I assumed that it was a cell phone number to someone on Obama's admin team. Also, down in the comments, someone posted the letter that Abraham Lincoln wrote to Lydia Bixby who lost all five of her sons in the Civil War. Dear Madam, I've been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the adjutant general of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle. I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine which should attempt to beguile you from your grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering to you the consolation that may be found in the thanks

of the Republic they died to save. I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom. Yours, very sincerely and respectfully, A. Lincoln. That was r slash military stories and if you liked this content, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new reddit podcast episodes every single day.