rSlash - r/Offmychest I'm Divorcing Husband Over His FARTS

Episode Date: July 20, 2024

0:00 Intro 0:10 Broken and entering 4:40 Wedding dress 6:31 Ruined 11:32 Fart divorce Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Benefits vary by card, other conditions apply. Welcome to r slash off my chest, where OP's girlfriend nearly beats a man to death with an unloaded shotgun. Our next Reddit post is from Harcording. My girlfriend beat the stuffing out of someone who broke into her house. The other night, I was sleeping over at my girlfriend's.

She lives one street over from the middle of nowhere. No street lights, no sidewalks, and she keeps her house dark at night except for the room that she's in to avoid bugs. I think it was like 2am when I woke up to my girlfriend telling me to call 911. Long story short, a guy had broken a window into the garage and was going through my car. He had a knife but my girlfriend has a shotgun unloaded and wanted to scare him off with it. The cops really gave us a verbal shakedown for that by the way. But the guy was clearly unhinged and charged us. I don't really remember how it happened but my girlfriend somehow tripped him.

Or maybe he tripped himself. And then my girlfriend started basically slamming this guy's rib cage down into his lungs with the stock of the shotgun. I had to physically stop her. Stop her OP. Join her. What are you talking about? A little about my girlfriend. She cries when she sees sick or hurt animals. She's constantly doing or offering to do nice things for people. She won't even squish bugs. She catches them and releases them if she finds any. She's a Buddhist. Nonviolence is important to her. Before this, I described her as the gentlest person I knew. So what the hell? After I stopped her, she was so calm.

She sat cross-legged on the floor and then made a call to a lawyer before the cops even got there. Wow, your girlfriend is level-headed. There's been no charges for my girlfriend, yet. The lawyer's been helpful. The cops, less so. The cops wanted to arrest me when they got there, for some reason. And what? My girlfriend had to actually ask for an

ambulance for the guy because they tried to just load him into the police car and he was screaming and moaning. He lived, but he's still in the hospital. It's been two days since this happened and I feel like my heart is still racing. Every time I see my girlfriend, I see her covered in blood with a shotgun. It hasn't changed how I feel about her, but god damn, it changed how I see her. Then OP posts an update. My girlfriend is doing well, all things considered. Someone in the comments was worried that the blood was hers, but the guy came into our house pre-wounded because there were bloody handprints on my car.

He was definitely on something. My girlfriend is currently taking a bunch of drugs since she was exposed to his blood too. My girlfriend hasn't talked much about what happened and I'm not going to push her about it right now. I'm worried about her and I'm taking care of her. I've been staying with her since this happened and feeding with her. Someone suggested that I bake her a cake.

I'm a professional chef. Also, apparently an idiot. I'm going to go to the store to get the ingredients later. A lot of people seem to think that my view of her has changed for the worse. That is deeply untrue. Rereading my post, I realized that I made it sound that way, so that's my fault. What I meant to say was, I realize now that SHE hasn't changed. I just learned more about her. And what I learned is that SHE'S A CERTIFIED BADASS. Also, a lot of people are calling me out for not helping more. Don't get me wrong, I do feel guilty that I didn't do much other than call 911.

I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses for myself, but I was absolutely terrified. But to be honest, my girlfriend didn't really give me a chance to help. It all happened very quickly. By the time she woke me up, she was already armed and out of bed. I'm deaf in one ear and a heavy sleeper, so I'm glad that she woke me up at all. I'm not sure why the shotgun wasn't loaded. She only told me that it wasn't afterwards. I was expecting her to shoot him, not beat him half to death. Also, regarding the cops, they seem like they were in a rush to get finished with us the whole time they were there. I think they were probably pissed off that

they got called out on the 4th of July for something that actually requires paperwork. Well, OP, I can definitely understand why you feel a certain amount of guilt about not having done more. But hey, at least you didn't abandon your girlfriend to die and lock her in with the robber like that dude who abandoned his wife to the rabid dog in the other story the other day. You're a huge step up from that guy. At least you helped. Also, it's funny to me that OP describes his girlfriend as being Buddhist because she's more like one of those Shaolin monks masters of Kung Fu. Our next reddit post is from WeddingHeroGuy.

Last month, my brother got married to the woman that he spent the last 7 years of his life with. My sister-in-law is a wonderful woman and I'm more than happy for the two of them. Well, my mother, being the venomous demon she is, decided that one of the most important days in her oldest child's life must be made about her in some way. She showed up in an incredibly frilly white bridal dress. Her dress was more of a bridal gown than the actual bride's gown. She was the talk of the whole event, for all the wrong reasons, mind you.

My brother didn't even know if she would show up after a previous meltdown of hers. But he didn't even know what to do when he walked down the aisle to see her sitting in the front row. My sister-in-law also looked livid when she saw her. At the lunch afterwards, things only got worse and I knew that my mother was going to ruin this day. So I decided to take one for the team. We were served glasses of red wine at lunch, and I asked for mine to be filled to the brim.

I walked over to where my mother was sitting and tripped, dousing her perfect white dress. I nearly got on my knees groveling to apologize, and she missed the lunch and much of the first half of the reception driving back home, which was a 4 hour round trip. And she had to change into the dress that my brother originally bought for her. Lucky for me, no one cared except my mother. The maid of honor even sent me a text right after telling me that I deserve an Oscar for my performance.

I didn't plan on coming on the internet to brag about destroying a bridal dress and causing a scene at my brother's wedding, but I just rec- I just received a bottle of red wine from my sister-in-law with a card saying, enjoy the best bottle of wine that I could find for the best wedding gift you could have given us. Our next reddit post is from deleted and the title is, I ruined my family's life and I don't regret it. This happened 10 years ago when I was 19. Around the holidays, I found out that my then boyfriend Kevin was cheating on me with my

older sister Jen. I was beyond devastated because Jen and I were really close and she was my role model. Not only that, but Kevin was honestly my first big love, so it was really crushing. Everything was made so much worse when my parents sided with Jen. She had always been a bit of a golden child, but my parents had never shown their favoritism to this extent. They kept telling me that these things happen, but family always forgives and stuff like that. It made me cry a lot and I kept telling them that I couldn't forgive them. My dad told me to stop being so dramatic. My mom said that I was a disappointment because

she raised me better. Jen said that she was sorry but she and Kevin really loved each other and they never meant to hurt me. I honestly just felt so alone and depressed and worthless. I was like a zombie for months. I mostly just slept and I refused to talk to my sister. My parents kept telling me to move on because even if it hurt, Jen was still my sister and she was more important than some guy. Eventually, it was all too much and I decided to end my life. I was so convinced that Kevin was the love of my life and I just couldn't get over how he betrayed

me and how my family made me feel so alone and crazy. I wrote a very angry and depressing note that talked about everything that had happened and I scheduled it to be published to my Tumblr after I did the deed. Fortunately, my roommate slash best friend Alice found me after I overdosed on pills. I was unconscious for a while, but then woke up. I was put into a hold because I was still very obviously in a bad spot and I was considered a danger to myself. I was in there for a while and only had contact with my grandparents since they were the only ones I wanted to talk to at the time.

When I finally got to go home, it was my grandparents who picked me up and took me to their house. They are the reason that I am still here right now and I love them more than anything in the world. They put me in therapy, got me medication and were with me the whole time. I never asked about my family and they never told me anything either. At the time, I just assumed that they were mad at me for being dramatic. Then I got the real story from Alice a month later. Alice's girlfriend at the time had been pissed off on my behalf and shared my Tumblr

post on her Facebook. She even tagged my parents, my sister Jen and Kevin and called them out. This woman was one of those people who had like a thousand friends, so the post got shared and my family and Kevin were attacked by family, friends, and strangers. It was a shit show! A lot of people called Jen a whore and my parents heartless monsters. My mom was ostracized by her church. My dad's friends stopped talking to him.

A lot of Jen's friends were disgusted by her behavior and ditched her. Kevin got backlash too because he lied to his super religious family that we had broken up amicably and said that God guided him to Jen. My grandparents told my mom, their daughter, that she was dead to them for how much she and my family hurt me. They were the ones that forced my parents and Jen to back off and leave me alone and to never contact me until I reached out to them. But I never did reach out to them because they're dead to me too. Jen and Kevin ended up breaking up after his parents sent him

away to find Jesus. I have no idea what became of him. Jen had to move to get away from everyone calling her a whore. I haven't spoken to or even seen her in 10 years. Last I heard, she got 3 kids from 2 different baby daddies and she's not with either of those guys. My parents became social outcasts and now they're just homebodies. We rarely talk and it's all just superficial. They've missed my birthdays, my graduation, my engagement, and even my wedding. They won't be a part of my child's life either. I know this hurts them. I tell people around them that I don't care about them or their feelings, which is true to an extent. But in reality, I'm glad. I'm glad they're hurting and suffering. I'm glad their lives suck and that they're all

unhappy. I know that I shouldn't be, and I haven't told anyone, not even my therapist, how I actually feel about my family now. I know this is probably just my resentment, and it's probably not healthy, but I can't help it. I almost ended my life over what they did, so it feels almost like karmic justice to see them hurting now. I even kind of hope, like they feel now like how I felt then, alone and like no one cares about them. No P, I wouldn't feel too guilty about it. Some people heal by just forgiving and moving on. And some people heal by getting sweet justice. Our next reddit post is from Dewprogrammer. I'm divorcing my husband because of his farts. I truly wish this were a joke.

Part of this whole situation is on me for not dating him for a long time before we got married. That fact alone is absolutely unbelievable, but it's true. Well, I got my smell back. The other relevant part of this story is that when we were dating, he hung over at my place mainly, and I don't carry a lot of unhealthy snacks for him to snack on. This fact is very relevant. Once we got married, things went downhill very quickly. He started inhaling as many snacks and as much dairy as possible at night. Sometimes he would go out and get a deep dish, fried cheese, loaded pizza, and devour it at

11pm after eating an entire bag of greasy chips and like 27 pieces of taffy and a glass of milk or three. At first I thought that it was just a bad fart here and there. But as the nights progressed, I realized that the bad farts were becoming a nightly nightmare. I know what normal stinky farts are, even bad sulfuric farts were becoming a nightly nightmare. I know what normal stinky farts are, even bad sulfuric farts. But these aren't either of those. These farts are incompatible with life itself. The first time one really hit me in the face, I projectile vomited. I could taste it. There were almost tangible particles in the air. I'm convinced they're

soaked into the carpet and walls. Rotten eggs isn't even enough to describe what this smell is. It's almost as if something literally died in his stomach and was leaking into the air trying to kill anyone that smells it. His farts are not human. They're not silly little rotten egg farts. There's something wrong with him, truly. Those farts are almost alive with a mind of their own and they're terrifying. If there was a horror movie made about farts, it would be his. It got to the point where I had to stop sleeping in our bedroom the second month of our marriage. Not only that, but I had to blast the AC, stuff towels under the door, stuff towels under my daughter's door, turn the fan on in both rooms and sleep in her room with her.

My husband snuck into our daughter's room and farted when I was almost asleep so that I would start dry heaving. I had to start sleeping with the door locked. I started taking prescription nausea medication to keep my food down at night, just in case, because it was becoming kind of a health hazard because of how sick it was making me. When I asked him if he thought the amount of food that he was inhaling every night was causing his farts, he said yes. I asked him if maybe he could slow down or substitute for healthier snacks and he said no his reasoning he said he likes the way the farts feel exiting his butt as they vibrate whoa what he said

he likes the way the farts feel exiting his butt as they vibrate his prostate and butthole yo this guy has his own built-in anal vibrator what the hell my life became a living nightmare because I could no longer sleep in my room and also remain alive. My desk was also in my bedroom, so I had to stop working in the daytime from my bedroom. He works from home in the same bedroom too. I had to change my entire situation just to cater to the pleasure of his farts. I tried desperately to get him to go to a doctor. I found referrals to

gastroenterologists, I bought him probiotic enzymes, milk substitutes, I cooked healthy meals, but he would literally tell me that he didn't want the healthy meal and then drive himself to Taco Bell instead. He refused to go to the doctor, he took the probiotics sometimes, but usually just pretended to and slipped them by his nightstand so that I wouldn't see that he hadn't taken them. Our budget was getting broken trying to keep up with the demands of the amount of food needed to keep his farting for pleasure needs met. At one point, he literally inhaled so much food so fast and so non-stop that he gained 12 pounds in 48 hours. And he looked at the scale and screamed.

He said that he will always choose that vibrational fart feeling and that fart smell and the grease snacks and the cheese over me. He said that yes, this is a hill that he is forever willing to die on. Anyways, that's the story of why I'm divorcing my husband over farts. On the surface level, I know it sounds like it's just about farts and that I'm a really shallow life, but I think it's actually so much deeper. It's just hard to explain. OP, just to be clear, this is a stupid joke. OP, just to be clear, the Geneva Convention outlawed the use of chemical and

biological warfare. So what your husband is doing is a war crime. Specifically, it prohibits the use of asphyxiating, poisonous or other gases. So perhaps he could be tried in an international court and hanged for his crimes. Also, we have kind of an interesting update here where OP posts a link to her TikTok and I guess she broke up with him because this sounds to me like a breakup conversation. Man, I don't want to be friends. I don't want to talk to you ever. I want nothing to do with you or your daughter.

My life would be a thousand times better without you. The less, the most I've prevented anything in my life in the last six months. That's like the only thing in my life I've regretted. I wish I'd never mentioned. No, you're ugly too. I don't mind you attracting. That was r slash off my chest.

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