rSlash - r/Prorevenge G.I. Wiggles, the Dumbest Soldier

Episode Date: October 13, 2025

0:00 Intro 0:06 Wiggles Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. This episode is brought to you by Peloton. A new era of fitness is here.

Introducing the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus, powered by Peloton IQ, built for breakthroughs with personalized workout plans, real-time insights, and endless ways to move. Lift with confidence, while Peloton IQ counts reps, corrects form, and tracks your progress. Let yourself run, lift, flow, and go. Explore the new Peloton cross-training tread plus at OnePeloton.C.A. Welcome to R-slash-Pro Revenge, where a Karen gets court-martialed. Our next Reddit post is from Bacutari. Most of the soldiers in my command were great people, happy to do their job and take home a paycheck.

Hard workers, creative, adaptable to unusual army conditions, and generally reliable. But there was one who was trouble from the start, private wiggles. My first awareness of Wiggles came two or three days after I'd taken over command of the unit. We're prepping for a month-long training exercise to Thailand, and Platoon Sergeant Maggie tells me Wiggles might not be able to go, as she had just had an outpatient medical procedure. Departure is about a week away, and I have to validate the personnel roster to make sure we've got logistical support for everyone we're bringing,

transportation, food, lodging, etc. So I talk directly with Wiggles and ask if she's okay to travel and participate in the exercise. Wiggles says it's not a problem. She can handle it. We get to Thailand and set up camp on a Thai army base. Two days in, and the medical section sends a runner to me. Wiggles is at our medical clinic, laid out with extreme abdominal pain.

I cruise over to the clinic tent, and the physician assistant on duty tells me a couple of things. Wiggles acknowledged recently having an abortion, the previously mentioned outpatient medical procedure, And the doctor's examination and testing shows that Wiggles has the single worst case of pelvic inflammatory disease he's ever seen. Seriously, this Army doctor who's seen all sorts of crazy stuff from soldiers was emphatically impressed by how bad it was. Wiggles developed this condition from failing to get treatment for sexually transmitted infections for a long, long, long time. As in, she's almost glowing from it. No judgment on the abortion. Not everyone is ready for kids.

And the STI-induced infection can be treated with high-dose antibiotics. Not a problem. We've got this covered. Wiggles is released to Sergeant Deb, her section sergeant, who will make sure that Wiggles takes her antibiotics and keep an eye on her for any further issues. Sergeant Deb finds me and first Sergeant Bob about a day later and tells me two more things about Wiggles. One, she's refusing to take her antibiotics.

And two, she wants to get out of the army. I again talk with Wiggles. So, you went out of the army? You know you have a couple of years left on your contract, right? I know, but I'm just done being a soldier, and I want to be out of the army. Okay, I can make that happen. You don't want to be here, then I don't want you here either. But here's the deal.

You got to play by the rules. I can get you out with an honorable discharge, and I'll start your paperwork as soon as we're back in Hawaii. But you need to take your antibiotics, do your job, and be where you're supposed to be. You do your part and I'll do my part for you. Sound good? Yep, I can do that. Spoiler alert, she could not do that. For the rest of the Thailand exercise, Sergeant Deb had to take control of Wiggles's medication and force her to take them. When she could actually find Wiggles, who consistently found someplace else to be. At one point in the next week or so, she accused First Sergeant Bob of having intercourse with her, which was easily disproven

as he didn't have any of the sexually transmitted infections, and Wiggles had all of them. She was just trying to stir up trouble with wild accusations, I guess. We get back to Hawaii, and I start the process to get her out of the army, because as much as she's been a handful of trouble in Thailand, I'm thinking it's still easier at this because as much as she's been a handful of trouble in Thailand, I'm thinking it's still easier at this point to kick her to the curve than it is to keep her around and punish her before kicking her out. I was wrong. Even as I start to work on her discharge, she ramps up the stupidity.

Here's a few examples. She gets caught drinking when she's only 19. Wiggles and her husband lie to the on-base housing office and provide forged authorization documents to get into rent-free on-base housing that they did not qualify for. Side note, Mr. Wiggles was no winner either. He was about to be dishonorably discharged from his infantry unit for selling drugs to other soldiers. Wiggles shows up at the infirmary to get treatment for facial bruising. Mr. Wiggles kicked her in the face while wearing his combat boots when she accused him of cheating on her.

Wiggles refuses to show up for work or any unit formation and can't be found anywhere for days. Wiggles slashes all four tires of Mr. Wiggles' car, then attacks him with a knife when he confronts her. Military police are called and end up taking him in when Wiggles gives us. a sob story. But he's the one with defensive wounds on his hands, not her. One of my male sergeants uses my open-door policy to visit me one day. He tells me he saw Wiggles stripping at one of the skankier gentleman's clubs down in Honolulu the night before. And she had also convinced one of our other female soldiers to come along with her to do the same. Here's the weird one. I get a call from a temp agency asking me if it's okay for Wiggles to continue working through them

as an administrative assistant for clients in town. It's not uncommon for soldiers to have a second job. But with everything else she was up to at this time, this one just had me going, WGF? There's more, but you get the idea. At this point, Wiggles's actions are egregious enough that I can no longer just kick her out with an honorable discharge. I put her on notice that she's at risk for a court-martial.

I thought that threat might keep her in line, but she just couldn't seem to stop herself from getting stupider and stupider. It's the old 80-20 problem. 80% of your time is spent dealing with the 20% of your folks who are troublemakers. At this point, I'm wasting a not insignificant amount of time dealing with Wiggles issues almost daily. I had genuinely, and in good faith, offered her the easy path, but I guess she figured she tried to burn the place down on the way out, since she apparently thought she was getting what she wanted no matter what she did. I was reminded of what my old platoon sergeant used to say when I was coming up through the ranks. You want to get stupid? Go

ahead, but I can get stupider. Cue the revenge. She's causing me daily headaches, so I'm going to bring the pain back to her. Honorable discharge paperwork is out the window, and I lean into the special court-martial process instead. My legal counsel tells me that Wiggles's activities are likely to get her a couple of weeks confinement at most. Maybe not even that. She may get a monetary fine, and she'll probably get an other than honorable discharge. I have a brief chat with Captain Morgan, Wiggles Military Defense Attorney, about where I'm going with the case. During our chat, I try to be a gentleman and let him know that Wiggles is going to be trouble for him if he's not careful. He gives me a condescending, this isn't my first rodeo O.P. I'm a big boy, and I can take

care of myself. Fair enough, I tried to warn you. Normally, a soldier getting a special court for stupid stuff might get confined to the barracks, restricted to their on-base quarters, or something similar for the duration of the process. It's not like she killed someone, right? However, my military legal counsel drops this little gym in my ear. He tells me that Wiggles has met all five of the conditions, danger to other, flight risk, etc., required by military law to warrant requesting confinement prior to her trial. He tells me, if you can remember these five conditions and elaborate on the details at our next pre-trial meeting with the military magistrate, you might be able to get her confined to the Navy Brig at Fort Island

until the trial. I'm a guy who likes to pay attention to sound legal advice, so I just do as he says. A couple of days later, we go in for the pretrial meeting, and I run down the list for the magistrate. Boom, magistrate orders wiggles to be confined in the brig through the trial. For those don't know, Brigg is basically jail. First Sergeant Bob and Platoon Sergeant Maggie go to pick her up from her on-base housing. She won't open the door, but they know she's inside because they can clearly hear her and Mr. Wiggles banging away. This is important for later. The Wiggles finish up, she takes her time getting showered and dress, and finally comes to the door when it pleases her. Off she goes to the Brigg. The pretrial processes take up the next four weeks. During that time,

with Captain Morgan, the paralegals in his office, and various fun things to do with her pending court-martial. Other than that, it's blissfully peaceful. Wiggles chills in the brig for four weeks. Seriously, chills. Every time I had to visit, it was freezing in there. I'm required to make weekly welfare visits to see if she's being mistreated, if she has any needs that aren't being met, etc. Seems weird, but as her commander, I'm so responsible to make sure the brig staff aren't mistreating my soldier. Other goings on in this time period include, Mr. Wiggles fraudulently applies for a car loan and gets a van in their names. Mr. Wiggles is dishonorably discharged and kicked off the island. He flies home to wherever the hell he originally

enlisted from. Captain Morgan asks me to consider an other than honorable discharge and time served in lieu of taking things all the way to trial. I'm hot to get that pound of flesh from her, but my legal counsel advises me to avoid the court-martial. and just kick out Wiggles with the other than honorable discharge. After all, he says, she's already been locked away for almost three weeks, so the magistrate will probably just give her time served and the OTH anyways. My boss, Lieutenant Colonel Ryan, thinks that I'm too invested in the case, that I'm no longer objective.

Lieutenant Colonel Ryan insists on coming with me to the brig for the next welfare visit. This is three weeks into Wiggle stay in these luxurious accommodations. Among other BS lines she throws at us, Wiggles tells us that she needs to see the dentist about a filling that's giving her trouble. And Motrin just isn't working. At the end of the visit, Lieutenant Colonel Ryan tells the guards about Wiggles's fillings and asks if they can give her anything stronger than Motrin, then instructs them to follow up with the dentist. The guard actually laughs out loud at this and says, No, sir, Motrin is the best we can do in the brig. And that other thing? For the last two weeks, she's been telling anyone with ears that she

wants to try getting her wisdom teeth pulled before she's kicked out. She doesn't have any problem with any fillings. It was hilarious to watch Lieutenant Colonel Ryan's face go from obvious concern for Wiggles' well-being to outright fury, and the next words out of his mouth were, That bitch lied to me. I make arrangements with Captain Morgan to accept his request for time served and other than honorable discharge in lieu of court-martial. Sometime later that week, I get a call from the brig. Wiggles is pregnant, and they can't keep her confined anymore because of it. She has to be released back to her unit until the court-martial, or other actions are complete.

Captain Morgan stakes his reputation on Wiggles being a good girl until we can send her back home to California. He'll come to regret that, and he can't say I didn't warn him. We get Wiggles back from her four-week, all-inclusive stay-in-the-brigg. I've accepted Captain Morgan's request to avoid the court-martial, and I confine Wiggles to the Barrague, under supervision for the nine days she has left until her flight to Carolina. Immediately, we have another shit show. Wiggles is smoking in the barracks. It's not a big deal that she's smoking.

It just isn't allowed inside the barracks rooms. Wiggles is caught with a bottle of liquor in her barracks room. She's only 19. Wiggles slips out of the barracks and runs off for a day when her platoon sergeant gets distracted from supervising her. First Sergeant Bob and Lieutenant Ricky go to collect Wiggles's belongings. from her base housing so that we can box it up and ship it to her home, and they find that Mr. Wiggles has left behind a bunch of stuff that he stole from other soldiers,

body armor, military equipment, ammunition, smoke grenades, and explosives that he stole during trips to the range. All lined up right inside the front door where it's impossible to miss. They call me asking what to do. I say, just collect it all, return the equipment to the central issue facility and dump the ammo and explosives in the nearest amnesty box. Mr. Wiggles obviously meant for Mrs. Wiggles to take the fall for having it. Talk about husband of the year. If we take that bait, Wiggles will be here forever. I don't want that. Do you? Lieutenant Ricky said, nope, I don't want that either. It'll be like it never happened. In light of all this drama, I bring Wiggles into my office to remind her of her agreement to be a good girl until she leaves

the island. I say, Wiggles, you're in violation. of your release agreement from the brig. You've been sneaking out of the barracks. You've been smoking and drinking. She cuts me off. Yeah, and doing all kinds of drugs, too. She was being sarcastic. I say, be that as it may,

I'm giving you fair warning that you're at risk of losing the deal that I made with Captain Morgan. Additionally, you're pregnant again. I'm not sure if you're aware of it, but most damage to a fetus from alcohol and smoking will come in the first few weeks after conception. I don't know if you're planning to keep this one or not,

But at the rate you're going, this baby's going to be born dumber than you. Wiggles gaped at me like a fish. Wiggles then bolts from my office and runs down to Lieutenant Colonel Ryan's office at the other end of the building to squeal on me for insulting her, with Lieutenant Ricky hot on her heels. She tries to rush into Lieutenant Colonel Ryan's office, but Lieutenant Ricky gets in first and fills him in. Lieutenant Ricky tells me later how it went down. Wiggles is yelling about how I called her stupid, and that she's being misled. Distreated. Lieutenant Colonel Ryan yells at his admin to get Captain Morgan on the phone. Now, he reams Captain Morgan for his client's Jack Assery, tells him to effing fix this and makes various threats to Captain Morgan's career.

About a half hour later, I get a call from Captain Morgan. O P, O P, O P, I can't believe the words I'm hearing from Wiggles. I'm shocked, just shocked that you would use language like that and call her names. As a side note, my mom is an attorney, and I grew up with tales from the courthouse about lawyers using exactly this type of hyperbole. Your Honor, I'm shocked, appalled, and dismayed that opposing counsel would attempt to paint my client in such a light. It's the kind of BS, they say, when they didn't have a good argument. So as soon as I hear the word shocked, I know I own him and I immediately cut in. I say, and I bet you're appalled and dismayed too. Well, uh, yes, of course I am. You can't talk to soldiers like that.

I know of a lieutenant colonel, a commander, who called one of her soldier stupid, and she's no longer in command now. I said, I didn't call her stupid. I informed her of basic biological facts. It's not my problem if she takes the news poorly. And arguably, she's not all that smart. Anyway, you called me, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't to warn me about what I said to Wiggles, so what do you want?

What will it take to prevent you from kicking back our deal? You could get her on a plane tomorrow. How about if I get her out of here by Friday? That was two days away. I don't think you can manage that, but good on you if you do. To his credit, Captain Morgan gets Wiggles a Flight for Sunday, three days early. I print up official orders appointing Lieutenant Ricky as a military escort specifically for her. Lieutenant Ricky drives her to the airport, and the airline desk agent calls me to verify his status when they get

to the check-in counter. They give him a special pass to get through security with her. He stays with her at the gate to make sure she gets on the plane, then stays at the gate until the plane is in the air. Some boogers are hard to flick. We wanted to make damn sure this one landed someplace else. About a month later, I get a call from the military police about a derelict van in the parking lot with all four tires slashed.

Guess who that belonged to? That was our slash pro revenge, and if you like this content, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day. FAC? Of what you wanted to talk about?

Ben, I wanted to talk to Wigovie. Wigovie? Wigovie? Fack? Ah,

well, I mean, I'm not a good person to do you know, to do you know to talk about

to Wigovie? Yeah, in noming, genre. Okay, and you had trained at a circus

poor? Uh, I've got a on the don't on the don't on the chase, all that, you know,

to know, Wigowie by his name to visit Wigovie. com, Thank you.