rSlash - r/Storiesaboutkevin He Thinks All Chinese People are Black

Episode Date: March 15, 2022

r/Storiesaboutkevin Are you ready for stories about some of the DUMBEST people to ever walk the earth? These people are so dumb that they couldn't figure out how to pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the bottom. For example, one Kevin thinks that all Chinese people are black, and another person thinks that the sun makes noise, which causes the "summer noise." How dumb can you be? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to our slash stories about Kevin, where a Kevin thinks that all Chinese people are black people. Our next reddit post is from off brand firehawk. So I have this guy at work who's clearly a Kevin. Some background, I work at a small cafe. My boss is a big Caucasian man and married to a lovely Chinese woman. They have two kids, Patrick, 25-year-old man, and Sarah, a 17-year-old woman, and they both work in the cafe too. They're all clearly Asian, and Patrick did the job interview with Kevin. One day, I'm working with my boss in Kevin. As my boss is serving customers, Kevin and I have a casual chat about the whole corona crisis.

Kevin decided that this is the moment he's been waiting for and goes on this huge racist rant about how the filthy Chinese people caused this pandemic and that we would be better off without all the split-eyed R words. Meanwhile, my boss walked up behind Kevin and heard the entire rant. My boss asked him as sincerely as possible if he truly believed that all Chinese people are better off dead. Kevin, completely forgetting that my boss has Chinese kids and a Chinese wife turns around and says, yes, finally someone who understands. My boss then asked if this includes Patrick and Sarah. Kevin proceeds to say the most glorious thing that I've ever witnessed. What? No, I have nothing against black people. I just can't stand Chinese folk. I can't even be

around them without smelling rice. I stare at him and almost whisper to him. You know Patrick and Sarah are Chinese, right? And that your boss is married to a Chinese woman? Kevin goes pale. My boss sent Kevin home and told him to come back after closing to have a little chat. Kevin got fired. I uh... On a whole subreddit about stupid people, this guy is especially stupid. I was completely thrown for a loop when he called the half-Asian kids black, I did not see that one coming. Our next reddit post is from Sablefrotter. I met this Kevin while interning at a non-profit organization. Kevin interned at the archives department, and once summer was coming to an end,

he decided he would get a permanent job there, no matter the cost. This led to several hair-brain schemes and unsuccessful attempts to show how good of an employee he could be. Kevin tried to apply to a position in his apartment that hadn't existed for years because of budget cuts. But Kevin was a member of the organization and he thought that he was superior to everyone else, so of course he thinks that they'll just find the money so that he can continue working there. He meets with the main hiring director who again tells him that there's no money or need for that position, but that doesn't stop Kevin. Instead, he comes up with an even worse plan. Kevin decides to apply for another position in a completely different department that he has no qualifications for. Kevin's plan is to get the job, and then after a couple of weeks, move back into his old office at the archive department,

and pretend like he's been working there the whole time. Of course, Kevin's plan was ruined by the fact that he told his co-workers about it. So, some people already knew about his false intentions before he even had the interview. Before this interview, Kevin tried to show how he could be a model employee. One day, my soda got trapped in the vending machine. Kevin attempted to prove how macho he was in front of the hiring director who was retired military by shaking and punching the machine until he was red in the face and ran out of breath. The hiring director then proceeds to pull out a key and unlock the machine in a couple of seconds, making Kevin look like an

absolute moron while he's trying to pass out from exhaustion. A few days later at lunch, one of the other interns mentioned how she's getting some furniture delivered to her apartments. Kevin butts in and says, I can come over to your place and help assemble it for you. She says, thanks, but I can do it on my own, but Kevin is unfazed. No, I'm gonna come over and help you.

This is a man's job. What's creepy is that Kevin was older than most of the interns by about five years. Having already gotten a master's degree, while everyone else was still undergrad students. A week later, Kevin received a visitor in his office. The new CEO, who was due to start in a month,

wanted to check in with everyone. The CEO began to explain how he wanted to run things and then Kevin tried to correct him. Despite Kevin only having worked there for two months, and due to leave in a week, Kevin started to lose his patience. He shouted, this is how we've done things in the past, and this is how we're going to keep doing them.

Somehow, Kevin still thought that he had a good chance going into the interview, despite screaming at the new CEO, who would have to approve new employees. Well, this ended exactly how you thought it would. Kevin doesn't get the job, and mobs back to his office to pack up his stuff, writing off into the sunset to skame his way into another job. And then OP posted an update. I thought that I'd seen the last of Kevin, but the organization that we both interned for was holding its annual conference, and they needed help staffing the event. So Kevin came back not even a week after his last day. I heard about or witnessed

so many more Kevin stories over the course of that conference that I felt compelled to make an update. Other people who had to interact with Kevin on a daily basis filled me in on how he got hired and his daily routine. Kevin had heard about the internship when he talked to the retiring CEO at an event. This was a short 15 second talk while they took a photo together, but Kevin interpreted this as a job offer and was angry when he didn't hear back a few days after sending in his resume. He decided to call up the organization's main representative in his state to complain and request that he bring it up with the CEO to try to get the internship hiring supervisor in trouble. He was finally hired after guilt tripping the organization by saying that he needed this internship to finish his master's degree

program. Kevin was majoring in museum studies, and he was placing the Archives Department to catalog the museum collection they maintained. The catalog tracked where each item was kept in the building. Kevin, despite only being an intern, decided to completely change the system they used, which meant the other interns had to spend countless hours cataloging every item back into the new system. Kevin would also routinely stare at his female coworker, and when she asked why, he said that it was a prank. What? Am I not allowed to mess with you?

He also deleted the part of the catalog that listed what building the item was in, because everything was in the same building, so that felt redundant to him. This led to all the other categories like room and cabinet number being mixed up and inaccurate. Once again, the other intern had to fix the entire system. After a long day at the conference, we were all getting ready to go home. I was in the middle of talking to someone when Kevin comes over and grabs me by the jacket to lift up my label pin to his face. Kevin is at least five inches taller than me and 200 pounds heavier than me,

so he's about to lift me up off the ground. I've been wondering all day what this pin said. I was too stunned to respond, so someone else explained what the pin was. He let me go only to grab my jacket again to get a second look. Kevin then left to give a ride home to another intern. He started talking about Harvard, which he thought was in Michigan.

Of course, not everyone knows where Harvard is, but this man plans on working in a field where the only two options are academia or museums. Also, his profile picture has a caption saying, stand up to Harvard in bold red font. On the last night of the conference, everyone was invited to a black tie dinner at a fancy hotel. Kevin manages to beg his way into getting a free ticket for his fiance, Kavina, when every other intern only got a ticket for themselves.

He introduces us to his fiance, and he says one of the entrances from Guam. This particular intern had actually lived in Guatemala, not Guam, for a few years and he corrected Kevin. Kevin responded, eh, same thing, they're both islands where they speak Spanish. Everyone else at the table was too dumbfounded to even try to tell him that Guatemala is not an island and they don't speak Spanish on Guam. There was also a delegation of people from Guam at this dinner. Kavina, while speaking very slowly and pronouncing every syllable, asked that intern if she missed home. This intern, again, tries

to explain that she's American and she just lived in Guatemala for a few years, but it wasn't getting through Kavina's thick skull. When the salad came, I accidentally grabbed the wrong fork. Kevin scoffed and told his boss, we need to teach these interns some manners and etiquette. Remember, this is less than 24 hours after he grabbed me with no warning to look at a shiny pen on my jacket. The main course was steak and fish. Kavina poked at her plate and said, this is some weird food without a hint of irony. So as I was reading this story, I was wondering how Kevin managed to get himself a fiancé,

but after reading about the fiancé, I think I figured it out. Our next post is from Maria Butterfly. I was preparing for my baby shower, a female Kevin asked who would be there. Upon hearing that my two-year-old nephew would be there, he said, I haven't seen him since you're wedding five years ago. I said, he's two, you've never met him. Yes, I did, he was the rainbearer. My wedding was five years ago, and he's two. He was your rainbearer. That was my cousin. No, it was your nephew. I only have one nephew, and he wasn't born when I got married. The rainbearer was my cousin.

Your other nephew then. I only have one. Then I bust out a picture of my cousin and say, this boy is my cousin. No, that's your nephew, the rainbearer. I don't remember what finally convinced her, but this went on for another five minutes. I, I kinda laughed while I was reading this story, because I was imagining an unborn baby walking down the aisle with a ring, and I was wondering what that would look like. And I imagine a single sperm like wriggling down the aisle with like a rope attached to it and a ring dragging it along behind it, because if the, if the kids not born yet, how else is he gonna do it right?

Arna... Our next reddit postage from Edible Jetpack and this one's pretty stupid. I think it was sophomore year of high school when a friend outed himself as a Kevin. He seemed like a normal guy until one day some of us were talking about the walk home from school. Kevin said that he hated his walk home because it took him almost an hour. I had been to his house before and it was only a few blocks from the school, so I asked why it took so long. Kevin explained that because of all the one-way streets, the walk to school is pretty quick, but to get home he has to take a different, much longer route. I imagine he was also slowed down by all the warnings, slow

children's signs, forcing him to walk extra, extra slow down that street. Our next Reddit post is from Midnight Ranger. I just randomly found this sub, and I've been laughing my butt off because I know a middle-aged man named Kevin who is 100% a complete Kevin. I'd like to call him Kevin Kevin. This man can hear anything on the news or on the radio, interpret it using his small brain and take it as end-all be-all fact. Don't even try to argue with him. This one time a few years ago, it was extremely hot outside, and he was trying to explain

what he learned on the news. Apparently, he was told the air isn't actually hot, it's just vibrating. And yeah, at like the physics level, this is kind of true. He went on to say that when was made by these vibrations and when it was hot, it vibrated so much it produced the summer noise. I think this brilliant gentleman thought the noise of cicadas was produced by the heat itself. Yes, the bugs that make the loud chipper noise, the bugs. At this point, I was too dumbstruck to even have any sort of explanation or counterargument.

Our next reddit postage from Quilter Bell. When I was in high school, some of the jocks decided that home-ek would be an easy A. One of the jocks was an absolute Kevin. So the home-ek class was earning how to use sewing machines. Kevin was merrily sewing away with his thumb sticking out perpendicular to his left hand, putting it on trajectory towards the needle. Not surprisingly, he runs his thumb into the needle and punctures it several times. He calls out the teacher for help and she comes over and asks him, what did you do? Man, this subreddit gets me. Okay, Kevin replies, I did this and proceeds to repeat his actions, including going through the feed dogs and getting

additional puncture wounds to his thumb. This guy is literally the animal. Do it again, goofy meme. This guy gets rushed to the hospital to get stitches and the doctor says, what happened here? And this Kevin grabs his syringe off the table and jabs his thumb again. Then he goes home to his parents and his parents are like, oh no, what happened? And he goes into the kitchen, grabs a

fork and stabs it into his thumb. And then like 50 years later, he's got grandkids. And his sweet little eight year old daughter, our granddaughters like, grandpa, how'd you get this scar on your thumb? Well, sweetie, it happened a little something like this. Our next reddit post is from Step Into The One. My Now X-Wife was a bit of a Kevin. On one of our first dates, we decided to watch a movie and had dinner at my place. We decided to watch American History X. So anyone who's seen the movie knows the scene where Edward Norton starts screaming at his

mom's Jewish boyfriend. Well, we get to this scene, and my ex-wife pauses the movie, and I kid you not, she says. So, these Nazi guys and these Jewish people, do they have an issue with each other? She thought that World War II was just a movie that she watched in eighth grade. Down in the comments, we have this story from my kegger. My mother once asked me, what was Hitler's last name while we were watching a documentary on the Holocaust. And then we have another story from Brainstick. I went to college in my hometown.

I happened to have a class with a girl I'd gone to school with from kindergarten to private high school. And now we were in the same college. So we had the exact same education and learning opportunities. She was pretty, so I asked her out and we went to go see a movie. And a trailer for Abed Pupil where Ian McKellen plays a Nazi in hiding came on. It showed us swastika like it was a big reveal, and she asked me, what's that? And I told her. Then she asked me what that meant. Then I had to explain the holocaust to her. I sort of feel like if you have to explain

the holocaust to your date, on your very first date with that person, then there's probably not going to be a second date. That was our slash stories about Kevin. And if you like this content, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day. be a second date. That was our slash stories about Kevin and if you liked this content be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.