rSlash - r/Storiesaboutkevin He Thinks that All Plants Are Made of Meat

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

r/Storiesaboutkevin In today's episode, Kevin visits his vegetarian aunt and wonders why she isn't eating any ham. His aunt explains that she's a vegetarian, so she only eats plants. Kevin gets really confused. "But all plants are animals, and you eat plants." Everybody is in shock at how stupid Kevin is. Does this guy honestly think that all plants are made of meat? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to R-Slash, a podcast where I read the best posts from across Reddit. Today's subreddit is R-Slash stories about Kevin, where a Kevin decides that it's a good idea to set his high school crushes lawn on fire. Our next Reddit post is from Big Nerd and loving it. I'm working on schoolwork in my university building with a Starbucks in it and suddenly nature called. I go into the bathroom and close and lock the stall and sit down to poop. I finish quickly, and I notice someone walked to my stall door and start tugging at it. I think to myself, okay, she'll leave when she realizes it's locked. But no.

She keeps pulling the door handle till the thing pops open. The door didn't have the best lock, but still, you would have to pull pretty hard. I tell her, I'll be out in a minute as I stare at her with my pants around my ankles about to wipe. She quickly apologizes and goes to the stall beside me. I'm not usually this balzy, but that was just ridiculous. I guess I could have told her that I was in there as she tugged on it, but I felt that she deserved what was coming. I wasn't really embarrassed at all. I was more irritated than anything. Our next credit posted from StrongBadJunior. A few years ago, I was a driving trainer for a large trucking company.

Basically, my job was to take newly minted truck drivers and teach them how to handle themselves in the real world. Sometimes it was easy. Other times, it was like teaching a fish to play tennis. One of my students, the Kevin of this story, was so dense that he made a lead brick seem like a feather pillow. Not because of his driving, but because he almost got himself and me arrested. Here's a story.

Kevin was on my truck for about three weeks. He wasn't the worst who'd ever had. Another Kevin has that honor, but he was far from the best. At week two, we end up stuck in Salt Lake City, Utah after delivering a load. It was a slow time of the year, and Salt Lake City had always been a sparse area for outgoing loads, so I expected to have to wait it out. It wasn't a big deal. I needed the downtime.

Kevin, from out of nowhere, started to seem anxious about something. When I asked him why he was so tense, he told me that he needs to get his license changed to his home state. He lived in Louisiana, but his license was from Iowa. Our company used a loophole in Iowa state law by granting temporary residency to students to get them a license. After the license was issued, they had 30 days to get it switched to their home state. This wasn't a major issue since management knew the drill, and they would get us to a student's home state in plenty of time. TOOud, Kevin asked, when can we go to Louisiana?

I need to get my license changed. He asked this question every day for a week, but it wasn't until we were stuck in Salt Lake City that this really seemed to bug him. Look, I've already told dispatch that you need to get home. They'll work it out, just relax. He did not relax. After three days, we finally get to leave

Salt Lake City bound for Chicago. It takes a few days, and during the entire trip, I can tell Kevin is getting more and more nervous. Eventually, he can't talk about anything else except how he needs to get home. He was getting pretty annoying. We make our delivery to Chicago and pick up another load going to Laredo, Texas. Normally we would have gone through Houston, Texas, but this happened during those floods and I knew that that was going to be a bad idea.

Fortunately, I found a way that would avoid the flooding and get Kevin to his hometown. Better still, we would have enough time for him to get a ride to the DMV, get his license change, and still make delivery in plenty of time. When, when, and Kevin finally seemed relieved. We get to Kevin's hometown on Sunday afternoon. As he gets ready to leave, I tell him, first thing in the morning, get your butt to the DMV. Get your license taken care of, and get back here pronto so we can get going. He says, okay, and leaves with his girlfriend while I enjoy some time to myself.

The next morning, I wait until 10 a. 10am before I start getting impatient. I texted Kevin asking him where he was and I got no reply. I text again and again, no answer. I call, no answer. Dispatch has been asking me when we're gonna get on the road and I tell them that Kevin has disappeared. He was supposed to get his license changed but I haven't heard from him all day. Dispatch tries to call him, and they don't have any better luck. Apparently, Kevin has disappeared. By late afternoon, I start getting the feeling that this little turd has bailed on me and wasted my time.

This was a common occurrence for new drivers. I tell Dispatch that I'm giving him until morning. If he doesn't contact me, then I'll just head on down to Laredo. There was still plenty of time, and dispatch agreed. Morning came. Kevin was still AWOL, and I was out of patience. I sent him one more text telling him that I'm leaving without him and head out. I drive for several hours before taking a mandatory break and check my messages.

To my surprise, Kevin reached out. Hey man, my parole officer found out that I took a job driving and she was pissed that I left Louisiana. She told me to get back as soon as possible or she would have me listed as a fugitive. I called her yesterday, but she was out of town and told me to wait until she gets back on Wednesday. I was completely shocked. Kevin had a parole officer?

Kevin, are you telling me that you're on parole and you left the state without permission? Yeah, I was in jail for selling dope. I got parole for two years. I didn't think that it would be a big deal since I was working. Dude, you violated your parole. You'll be lucky if you don't end up back in jail. Well, my parole officer said she wants to talk about it on Wednesday. Yeah, I imagine so.

You better get in touch with this patch and let them know so they can work something out. I end the conversation and continue on to Laredo. I deliver the load and pick up another load headed to Atlanta, Georgia. Thursday, I call Kevin to find out what the deal was. He tells me that his parole officer gave him the okay to keep working. I say, I assume that you have some kind of official document that says that. Uh, no, she didn't give me one. Then you better get one, because there is no way in hell that I'm leaving the state with you,

unless I have something from the state saying that it's okay. Uh, why? Because, moron, if I carry you across state lines knowing that you're violating parole, that makes me an accessory to a felony. I am not going to jail for your stupidity. Oh, okay, I'll ask her. I tell Kevin when and where to meet me. I tell him that if he disappears again, I am not coming back to get him. He says he understands. I get to a rendezvous location, and Kevin's nowhere to be seen. I text, no answer. By this point, my patience

for this clown is completely gone. I tell Dispatch that I don't trust this guy's word and I am not taking a chance on him lying to me. I leave and head for Atlanta. Kevin does reach out six hours later and wants to know if I can come back for him. I tell Kevin that he's lied three times and acted so shady that I can't trust him to do the right thing. If he wants to finish his training, he can sort something out with management, but there's not a chance in hell that he'll ever see me again. Fast forward a couple of months.

I found out from Dispatch that Kevin's parole officer had not given him permission to leave the state again. Apparently I made the right call by leaving him there. Fortunately, they weren't interested in prosecuting me. I have no idea what happened to Kevin, but I imagine that he did something else that was stupid and landed back in prison. As for me, I took a break from training after that whole debacle. This Kevin wasn't the only Kevin that I had to deal with during my time as a trainer, and he definitely wasn't the worst. But for dragging me into his parole violation, he is firmly in the top 10. Imagine being so dumb that you make other people commit

felonies just by being next to them. Business notifications getting out of hand, buried under an avalanche of customer emails, texts, and social media messages, keep your edge with thrive small business software and never miss a message again. Thrive offers one solution to communicate, market, and run your business, but simply small businesses run better on Thrive. Get Command Center for free today at thrive.ca. That's THR-Y-V dot CA. Terms and conditions apply free plans have limited functionality. Our next Reddit post is from Smokewater. Some of you are living the dream right now in high school.

All the dances, the fear of asking that one person to dance. Friends providing all kinds of advice, some good advice, some bad advice, and some advice that's so bad that it's never meant to even be considered. But this wouldn't be a story about Kevin if everyone followed the good advice, right? Nope. This is a story about my good friend Skip, who was a Kevin through and through. Skip had a major crush on this girl named Sally. Sally was the type of girl who had all the right things.

Great hair, amazing personality, and she loved it when guys were super creative when they would ask her out on dates. The more creative, the more you had her attention. It was getting close to Valentine's Day and my school announced a sweetheart's ball. My friend's skip desperately wanted to ask Sally to the dance, but he couldn't come up with a creative way to ask her. My friend and I were making some suggestions during lunch. I said, dude, you could always enter some roses and say, my heart would be like these roses. In full bloom and full of light, if you just go to the sweetheart stance with me. My friend said, no dude, send her a bag of M&Ms and say, it would be sweet if you would go to

the sweetheart stance with me. My other friend says, lol dude, you should toilet paper or car and say, it would wipe me out if you went to the sweethearts with me. Dude, that's stupid. Why not just pour a heart shape on our lawn with gasoline and light it on fire? And say, my heart would go up in flames if you went to the sweethearts dance with me. Seriously, toilet paper, dude? No. No, just walk up to her and say, I'm shy, I'm bashful, but I could overcome all of this if you went to the sweethearts dance with me.

Skip, listening to all of this, head is mine mind clamp around one of the things that we mentioned. I'm sure that at this point some of you have already figured out what he planned to do. This was all on Friday and none of us were present when Skip asked her, however, we did see the aftermath. Here are the events that followed. On Monday, Sally avoided Skip as if he were some sort of psycho. On Tuesday, Skip started to behave erratically.

He was very nervous and kept looking over his shoulder. On Wednesday, Skip's name was called over the Intercom system before classes started. About 10 minutes later, the principal's office called up me and a couple of my friends. We were told to sit outside the office. We heard a loud conversation inside the office. We heard a loud conversation inside the office. I said, dude, what the hell did Skip do?" My friend said, oh, I don't know, I'm not sure how we're involved here. He did something stupid, I'm sure.

Dude, do you think that he did the toilet paper thing? No, this has to be something bigger. This is kind of freaking me out. Around this time Sally walks into the principal's office with a smirk on her face. She said, have they told him yet? My friends and I are totally confused. Told him what? That's when the door opens and Skip comes out handcuffed, crying his eyes out, repeating over and over again, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It was then that Sally walked up to him and gave him a huge hug. Oh, by the way, yes, I will go to the sweetheart's ball with you. Our jaws just drop.

We're all thinking, what the hell just happened here? They uncuff him, and he has this WTF look as well. The Fire Marshall then walks out, laughing. The Fire Marshall says, it was all her idea. I couldn't refuse my little girl. However, if you set fire to my lawn again, I will kick your butt. You will come to my house and fix it. And you three, stop putting ideas in his head. He will clearly do anything that you guys tell him to do. That was the day that we found out that Sally's father was the Fire marshal in our county. He in

this year up gave Skip a tongue lashing for setting fire to his front yard with a heart jay burning in the grass. Skip also set up a sign by the front door saying, My heart will go up in flames if you went to the sweetheart stands with me. It was a really good dance and we all had tons of fun. Skip and Sally have been happily married for 23 years now. Our next Reddit post is from Picklework for Life. My cousin, Kevin, doesn't believe in vegetarianism. Two years ago at Christmas, my mom brought a mixed salad for the extended family, mostly

the aunts. One of my aunts is a vegetarian, so you might see what this is going. The whole family sits down, and my aunts play consisted of only salad, green beans, and some of my grandma's famous mashed potatoes. As we begin to eat, my cousin looks up at my aunt and asks, So why didn't you get any of the turkey or ham I brought? She looked at him strangely, because I'm a vegetarian? Kevin has a confused look on his face, but you're eating plants. Why all looks even more confused. Plants are vegetables?

Kevin gives her the most narcissistic smirk and says, No, they're not. They're meat. The whole family looks at Kevin, who's looking like the kid who just told a child that Santa isn't real. My uncle chimes in. Kevin, plants are vegetables, not animals, they don't contain meat. Well, they're alive, aren't they? So that means they're animals. We tried to explain to him that just because they're alive, that doesn't mean that they're animals. My brother asks, are trees animals, Kevin? Huh? No, trees aren't alive. We gave up after 45 minutes of arguing

and went on to open presents. Our next Reddit post is from Muat Flow. This story is about a female Kevin in my class this semester. It was an entry-level physics course and the students were around 18 years old. This was the first week of class. I teach physics. That day, I used an example based on a scan of a running body.

I then let my students work on another example based on a javelin. Kavina raised her hand to signal she had a question. I walked to her desk and she asks, Can you tell me what my finger has? I don't understand, so I freeze, confused. She then puts her finger really close to my face and I see some reddish skin that shedding. My finger, it hurts and I don't know what it is. I'm baffled, and I say that I'm not a doctor,

and that questions about physics would be more appropriate. Well, you talked about the body of a running person. I thought you were a doctor. Also, side note, I have to wonder if this Kavina confused physics professor with physician. A few days later, we're in the computer lab. They have to follow a few steps, written on a sheet of paper to retrieve some files. Kavina raised her hand.

Apparently, her computer is broken. She says that when she files the first step, the computer shuts down. The first step is to click the start menu. She repeatedly pushed the power button, thinking that it was the start button. This could be needed a few other dumb things not worth mentioning, but she managed to get a 0% on her final exam. The weird part is that the copies she turned in wasn't blank. In fact, it was filled with words and equations, but nothing made sense. But it wasn't like some students do

when they don't know the answer. Usually, those students are just copying formulas for a sake of putting something on the paper, and you can see on the paper that those students do not feel strongly about their performance. This Kavina's exam was not like that. She showed an actual, quote, resolution of the problem. Basic algebra logic was thrown out the window, but her way of giving her answers was full

of confidence. I don't know if that makes sense. Anyway, I've never seen someone so blind about their lack of skills. She failed way under the passing grade. She asked to see her exam in my office. She tried to argue about my grading being too harsh. I calmly explained how her exam defied reality, but she was so arguing that some of it was good. I'm

simplifying here, but her arguments were like, okay, you said that I should have used a conservative principle of energy here and the answer was 256, but my answer is 28 and at least I have one correct digit, even without using the right approach. I don't even know how she made it to college. I don't even know how she'll be able to provide for herself as an adult. That was our slash stories about Kevin and if you like this content you can sponsor my podcast to unlock extra episodes. Also be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.

Put on your Reddit podcast episodes every single day.