rSlash - r/Storiesaboutkevin He's So Dumb He ATE GLASS!

Episode Date: October 15, 2020

r/Storiesaboutkevin In today's episode, OP works at a restaurant and hires the world's DUMBEST employee. Kevin spills a jar of jam, so does he clean it up like a normal person? NOPE! He takes the jam-covered shards of glass and hides it in the food that they serve customers as a way to hide the evidence. When OP confronts Kevin about it, Kevin says that it's totally fine and then tires to prove it by EATING GLASS! He got fired immediately. If you like this episode, follow for more Reddit content! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is just the beginning. Stream the complete Dutton Legacy, 1883, 1923, and all seasons of Yellowstone. I love Montana, but I'm doing this far family. Paramount Plus, the streaming home of Yellowstone. Welcome to R-Slash, a podcast where I read the best posts from across Reddit. Today's subreddit is R-Slash Stories about Kevin, where a Kevin is so stupid that he eats shards of glass. Our next Reddit post is from Sunny Kill.

A few years back, one of my husband's frat brothers stayed with us for a long weekend so we could attend some reunion type thing. I'm fairly sure he's a Kevin. Since Hoppy and I had a long-standing family obligation on Friday night, Kevin was left to his own devices in the house. I knew this wouldn't end well, but I was expecting to get the dog drunk type of antics. Nope, Kevin went in the freezer for some ice cream, or maybe he was just being nosy. Anyhow, he saw some unlabeled tablots

in a blister pack and decided they were drugs. Why? Who knows what goes on in the mind of a Kevin. Hubby and I aren't the types to have anything stronger than Advole in the house. Regardless, he popped a couple. After an hour or so of nothing happening, he decided to take four more. When we got home, Kevin informed us that we'd better ask for a refund because those pills in the freezer were duds. What pills? The ones in our freezer?

Those are cheese-curdling enzymes called rennet. I've been going through a phase of learning to make my own cheese. Rennet is a necessary ingredient that comes in that form and is best stored in the freezer. It absolutely will not make you high. In that quantity, it will cause severe gastric distress, best not observed in nature. I will never forget the sounds that came from the bathroom all Saturday. Don't take mystery pills from the freezer, Kevin. They're not all gonna be drugs.

Sounds like this Kevin found himself in a shitload of trouble. Our next Reddit post is from somewhere out in space. I'm in the student room studying for an upcoming Kim quiz. Kevin is sitting at the table across from me watching YouTube, without headphones, of course. Now, my laptop is a convertible. You can tilt the screen 360 degrees, allowing you to switch between laptop, tablet, and the sort of intermediate tablet with stand zone. Since I'm doing flashcards, I swing it around so it's in the tablet with stand form and start tapping away. Kevin, in meantime has taken sudden and significant interest in this feature of my laptop. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him experimentally pushing

the screen of his MacBook Pro, the newest model, I believe. I say to myself, he'll realize it doesn't convert. But nope. Kevin dramatically swoops his MacBook off the table and effing yanks his screen back with all of his strength. Unsurprisingly the hinge naps and takes some cables inside with it. The screen is now an unusable, garbled mess and is swinging back and forth limply. Kevin slowly realizes what he's done and then proceeds to eat his brand new MacBook across the room where it smashed into the wall and turns off for good. The best part about this is that he came into school today with a new MacBook.

His parents got him a new one immediately. God help this kid in the real world. Down in the comments we have a similar story from Ash 274. My wife got a computer from her work that had a flip over screen, but she wasn't aware that it had that feature. I say, oh, this is cool, and pick it up and flip it around. The look of shock and horror, followed by unmitigated rage on her face, was well worth the mini freak out that followed. Our next reddit posted from Shotin' Talkter. I'm from Austria. My sister used to take in couch surface from all across the world.

Most were lovely fellows with interesting stories to tell, but one time we hit the jackpot. We got to set up four American stereotypes. The ones that I used to think were only real in movies, and one of them was an air-hitted cheerleader who was one hell of a pain. Since it's not relevant to the story, I won't go into detail about how rude and obnoxious Kavina behaved during the days leading up to the event. But let me tell you, at this point, even her friends were done with her. It's New Year's Eve, and the couch surface decided to stay with us instead of going out into the city, and my sister and I go about our New Year celebration the same way we always do.

Having fondue, dancing to the blue Danube and watching dinner for one. Midnight comes and goes, and within five minutes, Kavina takes her laptop to the other room to video call her parents, leaving the door open. And off she goes, complaining loudly about how my sister and I are in Bayracing as F. How that Austrian food we had sucked. And how the mountains looked fake and whatnot. My sister and I were in the living room with the others, perfectly able to hear every single word while her friends turned radis tomatoes, and started giving us apologetic looks.

Q. Kavina's return, marching into the living room with the carefree attitude of an ignorant moron. Kavina's friends said, um, Kavina, we heard you, all of us. So what? I was talking American! My sister and I just looked at each other and started laughing so hard. It took us a few minutes to calm down. She- she had been talking to us every single day in English, but somehow that was different in Kavina's world. Her friends apologized profusely. Kavina didn't because she just couldn't believe even when we told her that yes, we do understand American.

OP should have been like, wow, you know American? How do you say you're a complete effing moron in American? Our next reddit posted from Sally Desire. If y'all read my previous story here, you know that I had a high school friend who wasn't, let's say, the brightest crayon in the box. The story ended with him living with his hair when addicted girlfriend, who's pregnant with his child. At least, that's what I thought. I hadn't spoken much to Kevin since he had gotten expelled from school and our relationship faded into only Facebook updates on each other's lives. The other day I was speaking to a friend who will call Sarah that still keeps in contact with Kevin. He got brought up in conversation,

mostly laughing about the ridiculous things he did in school, and then I asked what he was up to. Now, there's something I didn't mention in my original post. Back in high school, Kevin vowed himself to celibacy. He didn't want a passionately hugged before marriage. Also, despite how strong out his current girlfriend is, the only drug that Kevin ever used was marijuana. Sarah said, you know, the baby's not even his. Wait, seriously? Yeah, he's a virgin. I'm confused because he posts on Facebook all the time of how happy he is of becoming a father. Does he know? Sarah shakes her head no.

Nope, he legitimately thinks he got her pregnant. Ha ha, Sarah let me have a moment just to see the astonishment on my face. She went on to tell me that when Kevin first told Sarah that his girlfriend was pregnant, Sarah asked him when he started being intimate with his girlfriend. Kevin said that he never did, however, they did do other things.

Kevin believes that when his girlfriend swallowed, it impregnated her with his child. Sarah and a few others... Oh my god. Sarah and a few others tried to explain to him that that's not how it works, but he's either LoveStruck or just Kevin. There's been speculation that the true father is a guy who graduated a few years before us. He's black. Kevin is white.

His girlfriend is white. She's about four months pregnant. I'll update you in a few months. OP does include an update, but before I get into it, I'm going to read this post from a guy named Eddie. The Immaculate Ingestion. So anyways, the update that OP gives is pretty long, but the gist of it is that his girlfriend does have a baby whose wife, but Kevin was not the father.

Kevin broke up with his girlfriend, and his ex still claims that Kevin is the father, and is a deadbeat who doesn't want to be a good father. Kevin definitely feels like a moron, but he's doing good. The other day we decided to FaceTime and he was trying to remove jam toast from the toaster with a butter knife. So, you know, there's that. I stopped him from continuing to do it. Bet on the NFL with Bandual, official sportsboy partner of the NFL.

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Terms and conditions apply as at mx.ca slash business platinum. Our next reddit posted from laser moon centaur. This story is about probably one of the stupidest people I've ever met. He was a 26 year old male and turned up an hour and a half late to work the first day. He was brought in by his mom, which I thought was kind of odd for a grown man. I let that slide, but things just got worse. It was a small roadside cafe, so I thought I'd get him started on small duties to ease him into the way of the place.

I asked him to put new toilet paper in the toilets, and a minute or so later I hear him yelling, O.P. It won't fit the toilet roll holder! I'm like, what? That's a pretty simple thing. He calls out again, so I tell him to bring it to me so I can show him. He's carrying a roll of paper towel. It's almost

three times the length of the toilet paper holder. Kevin, I say, that's paper towel. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Have you ever seen toilet paper that big in your life? Uh, no. Right. Furthermore, and probably more perplexing, can you not see that this massive roll couldn't possibly fit on this small bar? Yeah, I thought that was odd. Oh boy. Well, the day goes on, and after the kitchen is pretty much closed except for the pre-cooked

baked goods, I get them to do a general clean and ask to make sure he wipes out all the benches. I leave them to it as I assume he's doing fine. WRONG! One of the other staff members comes and says that we've run out of toilet paper, and I'm like, what? That's not possible. Sure enough, all the packs are torn open and empty except for the rolls on the holders. At this stage, I realize there can only be one culprit and call Kevin over. I asked him, did you do something with a toilet paper? What

the f is with this guy in toilet paper? Yeah, I use it to wipe down the benches in the kitchen. You used eight rolls of toilet paper to wipe down the benches in the kitchen? Why are you using toilet paper to wipe down the benches? I don't like using the dishcloth. Who taught you to wipe down benches using toilet paper? Have you ever seen anyone wipe down benches with toilet paper? The cloth was dirty and I didn't want to clean it out. By this stage I'm thinking the day's nearly over. Just let them go and I'm sure it'll work out fine. Yeah, you know what's coming. Kevin strikes again, and this time it's beyond Moronic. So I got him serving customers' pace reason

alike, because all you have to do is take it out of the glass bay, put it on a plate, and give it to them. He doesn't even have to ring it up, just plop it on a plate, and give. Well, one of the customers orders three scones with jam and cream. He's behind the counter doing his thing, and I have a little peek and see, yes, he's cut them in half and managed to put jam and cream on them. About a minute later, the customer brings the scones back to the counter and says, there's something really hard in these scones. I bit down, and it was like crunching on a rock or something.

Of course I'm puzzled and say, oh, I'm really sorry about that, when Kevin cuts in. It's probably just the seeds in the jam. Now there's something about the way he says this, it makes my alarm bells ring. Kevin show me what you put on these scones, and I start marching towards the prep bench. Sitting on the bench is a bowl of whipped cream, and next to it in a plastic bag is a... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha broken glass. I didn't think it would be a big deal. Are you effing insane? I grabbed the plate of mostly uneaten glass and fused cones. How was anyone supposed to eat this? To my- Hahaha. To my utter, utter amazement, he proceeds to eat them in front of me, all the while crunching on glass and flinching every time he does. I'm paralyzed, dumbfounded.

When he finishes eating them he says, do you think I should go to the hospital? You're fired. So I can tell you exactly what happened here. Kevin, because he's such an idiot, accidentally broke the glass jar of jam. And normally, he would do what anyone would do in this situation. Grabbed 10 or 12 rolls of toilet paper and cleaned it all up. But he knew that Opie would be upset about this, so he had to hide the evidence. By tricking customers into eating shards of glass so that no one would ever find out

that he broke the glass jar. The plan is almost brilliant, if not for the fact that it is incredibly insanely stupid. Our next reddit post is from Cat Poker. So Kavina was one of my best friends growing up. Mostly due to proximity, she was a nearest neighbor my age. She was sweet and funny, but Kavina was also not the brightest bulb. When Kavina was born, she had blonde hair, naturally at darkened with age. Kavina hated that, so she tried sunning. Her hair turned tangerine blonde, and she hated that even more. So I suggested she bleached her hair as in hair dye. Kavina was excited. She said that

she was going to do it that night and go super blonde. I was relieved and excited for her as I thought I was about to finally hear the end of the seemingly never-ending hair saga. I went over to her house the next day. There were tears in Kavina's eyes. As her mom was cutting off her hair and uneven clumps. Bright blonde bits were strewn across the floor, like some weird, broken halo. My mind was racing, struggling to figure out what led us here. Did Kibina use too much dye? Leave it on too long? Did she forget to wash out the sun in and some weird reaction occurred? I asked Kibina if she was okay and what happened. Through a mix of what was

now streams of snot and those kinds of tears you only get from ugly crying, she said, I did what you said, I used bleach and now my hair is ruined. While Kavina glared at me bailfully, the pit of my stomach dropped from a mix of guilt and fear. Guilt that I'd apparently destroyed my best friend's hair and fear that Kavina couldn't handle this existential hair crisis, as she was already super self-conscious about her looks. As she continued to glare at me from underpatches of hair that increasingly looked like a three year old's efforts of cutting Barbie's hair, I struggled with what to say.

Finally, I stammeringly mumbled in front of Kavina's mom. I'm so sorry Kavina and Mrs. Kavina. I didn't think this would happen. Now they're both glaring at me. Great. There was a long pause as my mind raced about what could have gone wrong. I bleached my hair all the time and it never looked like this. What could have gone wrong? What was the brand?

After what seemed like hours of watching Kavina in absolute misery and just wanting to hug away my best friend's tears, I said, Kavina, I'm just so sorry. Maybe it was the brand or something? What brand did you use? Kavina replied, Clorox? That was our slash stories about Kevin, and if you like this content then check out my Patreon where I publish extra podcast episodes. Also be sure to follow my podcast because I put on new Reddit podcast episodes every

content, then check out my Patreon where I publish extra podcast episodes. Also, be sure to follow my podcast because I put on new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.