rSlash - r/Storiesaboutkevin Idiot Karen Thinks She Found the Cure For Covid-19

Episode Date: August 30, 2020

r/Storiesaboutkevin We're all saved! This genius Karen has discovered the cure to Covid-19! It turns out that the only thing you have to do to be 100% immune is just... wash your hands. Yep, you can even make out with someone who's infected, but as long as you wash your hands before and after you're 100% safe (I AM MAKING A DUMB JOKE - THIS IS NOT ACTUAL ADVICE). If you enjoy this episode, follow my podcast for more daily Reddit content! 🔔 Subscribe: https://bit.ly/2E3A8i6 💬 Discord: https://discord.gg/VD6eYD3 🎧 Podcast: https://link.chtbl.com/rslash ⚓ Send me a voice message: https://anchor.fm/rslash 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rslashyt/ ♪ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@rslash0 🛒 Merch: http://bit.ly/rSlashMerch 🎁 Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/rslash Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

At Salesforce, we're all about asking more of AI. Questions like, where's the data going? Is it secure? Are you sure? Are you sure you're sure? Get answers you can trust from Salesforce at AskMoreVai.com. Welcome to R-Slash, a podcast where we read the best posts from across Reddit.

Today's subreddit is R-Slash stories about Kevin. Our next Reddit post is from username is taken. Kavina believes that Ireland is a myth. So, this Kavina is a peculiar breed. She appears to have been involved in a freak accident that removed all common sins and basic understanding from her mind. The title is one of the many famous ideas she maintains to this day. What makes her stand out from the crowd is her ability to maintain her opinion even in the face of irrefutable evidence.

Here's some of her best. One. Ireland is a myth. Kavina believes that Ireland is made up in a conspiracy theory because potatoes come from this store, not disgusting mud. She's British and we both live in Britain, however, I'm Irish. I showed her my Irish passport and photos of me in Ireland. Yet she still thinks it's photoshopped? Three months ago I caught Kavina crying. I asked her what's wrong and she said she didn't

have long to live. I obviously asked her to elaborate, and she said, I was giving myself a tattoo with a highlighter and a needle, and I was told I would get ink poisoning." She ended up going home and wrote a will on her Instagram story. She lived. 3. Kavina had a huge crush on a guy we both knew. She decided to ask him out because, hey, Kevin's and Kavina's deserve love too. She decided to message him on Instagram, so if it backfired, she could say that her friends sent the message. Her words, not mine.

She accidentally found the wrong account of a guy with the same name. A married guy. Kavina refuses to accept it was the wrong person and message them every day until she was blocked. For Kavina is terrified that if there's a nuclear war, the wind might blow the missile the wrong way it hit us. And that trite... And that trite and submarines might sail under a country. Yes, she believes that you can go under a country as there isn't anything underneath the

land. 5. She refuses to believe that London is in the southeast of England because when I went there, the satellite navigation pointed forwards. 6. She believes that Northern Ireland shares a border with England and when shown proof proclaims that maps are all drawn wrong. Wait, wait.

Kavina believes that Ireland is a myth, but she thinks that Northern Ireland does exist? 7. She doesn't understand how sex offenders get caught as they could just lie about their Asian court and get away with it. She doesn't know what a birth certificate is and says she never got one. A, she greeted a French exchange student with bad German and shouted, Speak English or find a new job in France at a French ice cream man. 9. Kavina is a vegetarian or so she says but allows herself to eat pork and chicken and beef, as they don't count. She laughed at me when I said that gel tenure is from cows and is in her reboes and said that her reboes come from factories, dummy.

She also doesn't realize cows live after being milked and assume they cut the cow open and there was just a bit of it called milk. That's all I can think of right now. Thanks for reading and hope you have a nice day. Well, I'm glad that this caveena is wrong about cows because otherwise, every time a mom wanted to feed her babies, she'd have to chop off one of her boobs. Our next reddit posted from Sarah Smoth. My family is full of kevans and racists, but that's for another sub. This is one of my favorite stories I like to tell, and I can't believe I haven't posted it here yet. I went to college in central New York where my school was

situated on the banks of Lake Ontario. For those not from the US, it's one of the great lakes and is in between the US and Canada. As for the great part, it's effing huge! Approximately 50 miles between the countries at its widest. Thus, standing at the bank where my school is, you can't see the other side. My mother and aunt drove me to campus on move-in day. Having never been to the school before, I directed my aunt to drive the long way along the edge of campus so we could get a good look at the lake. The view was impressive. The following conversation, however, reminded me solidly why I needed college

and to move far away from my hometown. My mom said, What's that river? That's Lake Ontario, mom. I wonder if you'll see whales. I don't think they come this far inland. What if you get a good pair of binoculars?

If you can find a pair that can see the Atlantic from here, I'm going to be really impressed. Q. Several minutes of explanation about giant lakes, and the fact that a whale wouldn't survive swimming up a freshwater river all that way, even if it was large enough to accommodate a fricking whale. I only wish it was a time of smartphones, so I could have brought up a map. This reminds me one time I went to a big barbecue, and the barbecue was next to a lake. Well, more like a pond, it was probably like a hundred feet across. And there was this little kid, maybe like six to eight years old and he was

playing by the side of the pond. And as I was walking by, I said, careful kid, there's great white sharks in that pond. He looked surprised for a second, then looked at the pond, looked at me, looked back at the pond, and then said to me, no there aren't. So, OP, I think that your mom and aunt know less about geography than a six-year-old. Our next reddit post is from Specialist District. My cousin is a complete effing idiot. And no, I'm not about to pay his bail considering the not-seriousness of his charges. I love him, but he's the dumbest person I've ever met in my life. I just got a call from my mom that he was arrested tonight for disturbing the piece after taking a dump in a urinal at the airport.

That doesn't sound like a crime, except that he ran out screaming for security in an airport. Apparently, 10 airport cops came running, thinking they have a disaster on their hands. Instead, it's just a dude screaming, COPS! COPS! Somebody took a dump in the urinal! Yeah, he was a tension seeking and yelled, somebody took a dump in the urinal, because he really believed that it was a crime, and he wanted to keep people from knowing that it was him. Our next reddit post is from careful improvement. I posted about an 80-advandal last night and it reminded me about this guy I used to employ. I own a mid-sized bowling alley with about 10 employees.

Kevin was 19 when this happened. I hired him after losing two employees in a week so I was desperate for somebody. He did so much damage, it was worse than no employee. Here's some of Kevin's greatest hits. He was caught humping a bowling ball in the break room. Kevin intentionally forgot to put oil on the lanes because he read somewhere that it would make the ball blow up and he thought that would be cool. Kevin eventually got removed from anything except for serving food and drink. I figured this would be okay. Oops, that was a mistake. Pretty soon, on the first day I put him on duty serving food for a full shift, a woman comes up to the counter

and asks to see a manager. Confused, I asked her what happened. She tells me her pizza is too dry to eat. You know where this is headed. I go to check on Kevin, but he blocks the entrance to the back room with his body and yells to the woman at the counter. We used a new tomato sauce. I am immediately panic. This is clearly a lie. We don't make our own pizzas, they're food service. I push past them and discover this moron is serving the customers' weak old pizza that's been sitting in a cold, dry room. Kevin tells me, I didn't want to waste the food and thought you would be mad at me.

Metrolinks and crosslinks are reminding everyone to be careful, as Eglinton Cross-Town LRT train testing is in progress. Please be alert, this trains can pass at any time on the tracks. Remember to follow all traffic signals. Be careful along our tracks, and only make left turns where it's safe to do so. Be alert, be aware, and stay safe. Childhood vaccines have been around for decades, and are safe and proven to help protect children

against 14 preventable diseases. Learn more at Canada.ca slash childhood vaccines. A message from the government of Canada. We had a Christmas party one time and Kevin literally tried to go down the chimney of the business, but this mofo couldn't get down further than his waste. The firemen came to get him out. I was using the toilet once when Kevin walks into the bathroom and stands outside my stall calling 911 to report I was dead.

I yell loudly, hey I I'm alive in here! Kevin tells me, you weren't moving. I thought you were dead. Sorry. Cops still had to check it out and search the whole place. He bought a taser and used it on himself while on the job. Kevin told me he bowled a 300 with no proof, of course. He got super defensive when challenged,

up to the point of sending me a Photoshop picture of a 300 claiming it was his. Then he, he told me it was just an example, and his look like that, it was only an example I swear and starts crying. My business partner, Rob, who I've worked with for 20 years, was left in charge alone with Kevin one night when I went home and the others weren't in. While I'm home, I get a text from Rob that says,

I hate inward, Jewish slur, and loobsuckers. Turns out Kevin took his phone, then I fired Kevin. That was too much. Still the worst employee I've ever had. Man, getting caught humping a bowling ball is embarrassing. Those bowling ball holes are barely big enough for your fingers, let alone other body parts. And then OP made a second post. I figured I might as well post a few more stories I remembered about bowling Ali Kevin. For context, read my first post.

He left his phone out for all of us to see with a porn hub search. Hahaha. T-Rex with hot poker in its butt. In the middle of a shift, kevin started shrieking and letting out a groan that sounded like a T-Rex with a hot poker in its butt. Turns out, he got a paycheck and noticed it was less than the $480 he earned for 12 bucks an hour for 40 hours. He forgot that taxes exist.

Kevin asked a new employee, let's call her Jane, she'll be important later, to go into the storage room to get a box of strikes. Jane spent two hours of a four-hour shift searching the whole establishment before coming to me to ask what the flip of box of strikes was. Kevin went out into the parking lot mid-shift and started laughing and whooping. Also screaming, I'm on a unicycle with no seat. He had stolen my business partner's crutches. He broke his leg that week, put wheels on them, and was rolling down a hill, and falling on his butt every 15 seconds. He broke a bowling ball in half. One time, Jane was serving pizza to a customer, and Kevin stopped her mid-conversation with the customer to loudly let her know this customer was a BASTARD. It was one of our most frequent customers on old guy. Apparently,

the night before, Kevin was out of my sight for two seconds, and the mother ever put mayonnaise on the poor old man's pizza. We don't even have mayo in the fridge. He brought it from home. The guy told Kevin to throw away the pizza and get him another. This made the old man a bastard by the Kevin scale of moral rules and superiority. So, be honest with me, how many of you are searching for that T-Rex video? Our next reddit post is from that crazy rock lady. My dad is a pediatrician working in the nursery at a few hospitals, and lately, he's had quite a few stories of Kevin's emerging in the midst of the public health crisis. The standard protocol right now is to test every single mom that comes in regardless of whether they meet the exposure criteria and to treat every woman as if she were positive

until our test comes back negative. This involves the whole shea-bang, like being put in a negative pressure room with these obnoxiously loud fans to pump air out and all the extra PPE and sanitary protocols. Thankfully, tests are conducted in-house so the turnaround time is pretty quick, 40 minutes to a few hours. Which is great because these already stressed women want to get out of the negative pressure room ASAP. There was a whole fiasco earlier this year where one mother convinced the nurse that she was fine because she had been exposed more than two weeks before. So, the nurse ended she was fine because she had been exposed more than two weeks before. So, the nurse ended up breaking protocol and contaminating a whole ward when the mom eventually tested positive,

but that's a story for another day. Needless to say, the protocol is now strictly enforced. Anywho, this one woman comes in and insists that all of these extra measures and the hellishly loud room are completely unnecessary, because there's absolutely no way that she has COVID-19. Sorry Miss, standard procedure, yada yada yada. After the samples collected, they start the standard intake questions, not expecting much, because this woman is adamant that she's negative. We asked her, have you come into contact with anyone who has tested positive for COVID-19 in the last two weeks? Well, yeah, my boyfriend has been homesick the last week with it, but it's okay, I washed my hands.

Would you care to elaborate? Are you in the same household? Is he staying in a different part of the house? What have you been doing to keep yourself safe? Well, I washed my hands. It turns out that this woman has been taking care of her sick boyfriend for the last week without practicing any sort of sanitary protocol like masks, quarantining him to a different part of the house, or sanitizing shared surfaces. They've been- they've been sleeping in the same bed, and she even kissed them a few times. But it's okay because I washed my hands. Of course, the doctors and nurses were completely flabbergasted and kept trying to explain to this poor woman that it was almost guaranteed that she's positive. Maybe she's just ignorant, which is hard to believe with all the PSAs, signs, etc. that

are impossible to avoid. Nope, she insisted she looked it up and all she needed to do was wash her hands, which she did, so she's fine. They cannot get through to this poor woman that, yes, washing your hands is important, but definitely not the only thing that she should be doing. But no, no, no, she definitely knows better than the medical professionals. A few hours later results her back, and you guessed it. Positive.

Q-surprise Pikachu face. Now this poor mama Kevin has been separated from her baby until she tests negative twice, which could be up to two weeks. The last I heard from my dad, it's been a week and she still hasn't tested negative. But that doesn't stop her from trying to convince anyone who will listen to let her out early because she promises to properly wash her hands. Why do I have this sinking feeling that when she does eventually get her baby back, she's not going to take it to get back scenes and just be like, oh that's okay doctor, I don't

need to get back scenes for my baby because I make sure my baby washes their hands. That was our slash stories about Kevin and if you like this podcast, then check out my Patreon where I publish extra episodes. Also, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcasts every single day.