rSlash - r/Storiesaboutkevin Idiot Thief Gets Himself Arrested

Episode Date: April 5, 2024

0:00 Intro 0:08 Intern Kevin 5:42 Mom Kevin 9:13 CC thief 10:15 Push or pull 12:25 NASA Kevin 14:54 Speaking English Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Welcome to r slash stories about Kevin, where we have the dumbest people you've ever encountered. Our next Reddit post is from ligamentary. My husband owns a small plumbing business that primarily does labor but also runs a small retail storefront with parts and basic appliances. Every so often, he'll participate in a job readiness program with a local high school where you can take on a student intern for a semester. They get credit and experience in the working world, and you get free labor and some positive community exposure.

Usually the kids are great, sometimes even better than the paid employees. But this semester, he got a Kevin. Here's a brief sampling of Kevin's misadventures. One of Kevin's biggest jobs is to answer the phone. On his first day, he was instructed to pick up and say, custom quality plumbing, don't forget to ask about our seasonal maintenance deal specials, how can we help you today? Instead, he was answering the business phone with, Kevin residents, who's calling please?

When confronted, he explained that he forgot the greeting and this is how his mother had taught him to answer phones. On his first day at work, my husband did the standard welcome he does for all new employees. He brought in donuts and gathered everyone around to meet the new guy. When asked to say about a few words about himself, he said, I chose this job because all the good ones were taken. And when asked what he knows about plumbing, he told a detailed story of a toilet clogging dump that he took a few months ago.

One day, he was asked to clean the break room kitchen. Someone had happened to bring in bagels. He threw out all the poppy seed bagels because they had mold on them. My husband took him to a job site once to get a feel for interacting with customers and basic repairs. Kevin asked the client if he could take home a framed photo of the client's teenage daughter

hanging in the living room. For the first couple of weeks, Kevin kept stealing lunches from the break room, then denying he had done it when the other employees called him out on it. For the first couple of weeks, Kevin kept stealing lunches from the break room, then denying he had done it when the other employees called him out on it. Then he tried to pay people to give him their lunch. The first time he brought his own lunch, he brought a pound of raw chuck beef and complained of an unstable work environment when my husband informed him there was nowhere for him to

grill it at the store. He ate it raw. He got sick and had to go to the hospital. Oh god, I gotta stop for a second. That's grossing me out. Whoa. Oh man. I can't believe he kept going after the first bite.

A pound! That's a lot of raw meat to eat. Okay. The company was hosting a holiday coat drive and asked Kevin to type up the flyer. Since by this point, everyone understood Kevin's limits, they simply instructed him to alter the date on the previous year's flyer. Yet still, he managed to mess that up, and didn't notice until he had printed 250 full-color copies of the flyer.

He thought if he threw the flyer out, no one would notice, but he threw it out in the main office trash can. Kevin's definitely never done drugs in his life, but he's always talking like he's an original gangster. He approached a large, tattooed African-American employee at the business and tried to buy drugs off him. That employee is actually a church pastor, an addiction counselor, and a volunteer sheriff. To impress a girl, Kevin volunteered to watch her dogs… while he was at work. I don't know the circumstances of why she asked a stranger to watch her dogs, but after about 15 minutes, Kevin got tired of waiting for her and let the dogs loose.

She came back looking for the dogs, and he pretended that he'd never even met her before. Kevin had a decent amount of money saved from birthdays and Christmases. But it turns out that he didn't have the money anymore because he lost it all going long on GameStop at the height of the frenzy. He was irate that he couldn't sell back his stock at the price that he bought it for and on some level, he still believes that he was scammed. He has aspirations to be a famous TikToker, so he would always be setting up these asinine pranks.

Like trying to bust in on people while they were on the toilet, rigging heavy objects to fall on people, and yelling FIRE when there's no fire. That was the point when my husband and others had to meet to discuss letting him go, but they decided the entertainment value of keeping him around was more than enough for the rest of the semester. It all made sense when we met Kevin's mother. Kavina recently came in and confronted my husband as to why Kevin wasn't being paid for his work.

He explained that it was a four-credit program through the high school. He thought that Kevin might have intentionally misled his mother. But no matter how we explained it, she just didn't get it. She kept insisting that he pay Kevin. She also kept talking about points on the back end as well, whatever that means. Kavina knocked over an entire display on her way in and didn't even acknowledge it, try to clean it, or offer to pay for what was broken. Instead, she just charged right ahead with making her original demands. Kevin's dad isn't in the picture anymore, so Kevin has been calling my husband and a couple of other guys at work, Dad, semi-jokingly.

When Kavina came in, after she made her demands that we pay her son, she asked my husband how he plans to stay in Kevin's life as his father. Kevin turned 18 last month. He celebrated by getting a Calvin pissing tattoo over his left pectoral muscle, with … with his nipples serving as the penis. We know because he showed it off, including the infection that it had, to a young family who'd come in to buy an L-pipe. Our next Reddit post is from Dangerway Designs. Through the help of this subreddit, I now have a better understanding of my mother. I believed my

mother might have a severe learning disability coupled with learned helplessness. No, she's just a Kevin. Here are some instances of Kevin-ness that come to mind. When given directions to go to the end of the block to find parking, she shot back. How am I supposed to know what a block is? I don't remember that from school! After she learned that I have gluten intolerance, she made sure to buy foods that don't contain gluten. I bought you gluten-free olives, gluten-free tomatoes, and gluten-free baby carrots. When I explain that gluten comes from wheat, she shoots back, Well, I'm not wrong.

Speaking of baby carrots, I love them. My mom tells me they're horrible because they're packaged in cancer. That the water inside is cancer. She yells at me anytime I eat them. Unless they're the gluten-free ones that she buys for me. The first of three times that she declared bankruptcy, she claimed it was the furniture store's fault. She had purchased a new living room set. Despite having money for it, she mistook no payments for a year deal as meaning you're not allowed to pay for this for a year.

By then, the interest had made it far more expensive than the original money was spent. The first time I brought my new boyfriend, now husband, over, she giggled and told me that she had something to show me. She walked me to the bathroom and said, I've never pooped so big in my life. I saved it to show you. It had been there for days. My husband still mentions this to me. I bought her a laptop, which was a mistake. I spent the next year giving her lesson after lesson. Simple things like how to make folders and organize pictures, how to use Google or Netflix. It was pointless

and caused a lot of fights between us. Eventually, she said the computer stopped turning on, and I viewed it as a blessing. After six months of her complaining, I finally went to her house to see why it wouldn't turn on. It wasn't plugged in. I bought her a cell phone. She can never remember how to find the pictures she's taken, how to access her email,

and specifically how to connect to her Wi-Fi to save data. She told me that she had the cable guy come out three times to see why it wouldn't connect, but that it was simply broken. I came over, looked at the password that was printed on the router, typed it into her phone, and it connected. My mother swears I should go into tech support.

Despite her being technologically inept, sadly, she knows how to use Facebook. I'm not on Facebook. Daily, she sends me Facebook links to gluten-free recipes and warns about cancer in every product that I see. I would respond daily, I'm not on Facebook and I can't view the link. Her solution was to screenshot the articles, take her phone to Walgreens, have the photo center people get the pictures off her phone, print them, and then she physically mail them to me. I've received over a hundred 4 inch by 6 inch screenshots of spam since December.

Speaking of Facebook, she believes everything. It's sad and annoying, but occasionally hilarious. My favorite was when she excitedly told me that this Halloween is the first in 666 years to fall on Friday the 13th. Hey Opie, look on the bright side. At least she's sending you 4x6 screenshots of recipes and not 4x6 screenshots of her bowel movements. Our next reddit post is from Crack and Warg. Kevin, a server at the restaurant I work at, apparently stole a customer's credit card

info while checking them out. He then goes on a shopping spree with it, spending close to $7,000 in a matter of a few days. He wasn't just using it for online purchases. For some reason, he decided to use it at places like jewelry stores that have no shortage of surveillance cameras. I don't know how he thought that he could get away with all that. What truly makes this a Kevin story though is how they busted him.

Once the owner of the car notified authorities, the cops went to one of the jewelry stores where he bought a $600 gold necklace. The cops had the store call Kevin to get him to come back, for some reason. I'm not sure how they convinced him to come back, but they did. Sure enough, he walked right back into the store with the cops just waiting to arrest him. Last I checked, he was being charged with around seven felonies and had priors. I doubt that he'll see the outside of his cell for a long time. Our next Reddit post is from Suspiciously Robotic. A couple of years ago I worked at a cafe, and I met my fair share of interesting people.

But this couple takes the cake when it comes to sheer stupidity. For context, the main entrance to the cafe is a door that you just have to pull to get open. I was cleaning up the coffee machine after I'd made a cup for a customer when I looked out the glass wall to see a man and a woman approach the cafe. The woman tries to push open the door. It doesn't work. I figured she just did the classic thing where you're not sure which way the door opens and just tries pushing it first since it requires less effort than pulling, so I don't think much of it. I just get ready for when they enter. She pushes the door again.

so I don't think much of it. I just get ready for when they enter. She pushes the door again. Okay, maybe she figured the door was just stuck. I mean, that happens every now and then, right? I'm about to go hell when I see the guy walk past her with an I got this look on his face. He confidently places his hand on the handle and pushes. He looks genuinely surprised and tries again and again and again.

Each time he gets more forceful. At one point slamming his shoulder against the glass door. These two people are so preoccupied with this door that they don't even notice me staring dumbfounded at them this whole time other than being, you know, helpful. Eventually, I figured that if I don't help, they'll either leave or break the door, so I pushed myself from the counter to go there and help them. That's when they spot an open sliding door on the other side of the cafe, leading to the outside tables, which are popular at that time of the year. They decided to go around and squeeze past all the guests sitting there and enjoying

their meals. When they finally made it through, it's as if the stars and planets aligned perfectly. They looked towards the main entrance to see an old man approach, place a hand on the handle, and pull the door open with no effort. It had been an absolutely uneventful day up until that point, so I had to ask a co-worker who didn't witness this to handle them, and I just walked into the back to laugh. Well, at least they found each other, so it's romantic in a dumb kinda way. Our next Reddit post is from deleted. I lived in a fraternity. Kevin was my roommate.

To be fair, Kevin is brilliant with anything related to computers. To be equally fair, Kevin is brilliant with absolutely nothing else. Kevin has decided that the five desktop computers he's somehow fit under his twin bed are no longer sufficient. Kevin decides to custom build a monstrosity of a computer to replace the desktops. While I was gone at class, Kevin decides that there is not enough space in our room for the ogre he's building, so he moves MY bed out into the hallway. Kevin is out of the computer store when I get back to see this. I return the favor by moving MY bed back inside and HIS bed out to the front yard. A fraternity brother is taking a nap on it when Kevin returns and gets angry.

Kevin keeps tripping the circuit breaker. His computer is drawing way more current than it was designed for. Kevin tries to solve this by placing a gas generator precariously on the windowsill and plugging into that. This works until a variety of bugs and a very confused squirrel attempts to make our room their new home. I tell Kevin that his generator has to go, which of course results in him complaining. Kevin hired an electrician to install a new circuit for our room for his computer. It's winter, and the average temperature outside is in the negatives. Our room requires no heater.

His computer is so large and energy intensive that if we don't open the window with the snow outside, the room turns into a sauna. Our fraternity rents our internet from the university. I'm on door duty. The IT guy knocks on the door. He tells me that he thinks there's either an error or a hardware malfunction because it shows our single house is consuming a substantial portion of the entire university's bandwidth. I show him the router box. He confirms that there's no error. The house is, indeed, consuming a large amount of data. He tells me that I have 72 hours to fix this,

or else the university would throttle our speed way down and put a cap on our data. I head straight to Kevin. Kevin tries to argue that the over 1 billion files he's downloading are encrypted so IT has no idea what the data is. It takes a while for Kevin to understand that IT doesn't care what he's downloading, but that if he continues this behavior there will be no internet for him or anyone else in the

house. Kevin now works for NASA. Our next Reddit post is from a beacon under. I'm pretty sure my sister is a Kevin. There are at least a dozen stories like this. We were out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. The waitress, who was Asian, came up to us and asked us what we would like to order, in English.

My sister looked shocked and doesn't even wait for the waitress to leave as she proudly proclaims, I understood everything she said. My family looks at her in utter disbelief as my mom explains to my sister that that's because she spoke English. That was r slash stories about Kevin and if you like this content be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new reddit podcast episodes every single day.