rSlash - r/Storiesaboutkevin Kevin Drinks His Own Pee! 🤢

Episode Date: March 14, 2021

r/Storiesaboutkevin The Kevin in today's episode is especially dumb. Not only did he call the bomb squad on a stuffed animal and think that guys get periods, but he also randomly decided that it would be a good idea to drink his own pee. So, he starts guzzling it down by the gallon! Bottoms up, Kevin! If you like this content, be sure to subscribe for more daily Reddit videos! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit Mitsubishi-motors.ca to learn more. Welcome to R-slash, a podcast where I read the best post from across Reddit. Today's subreddit is R-slash stories about Kevin, where Kevin decides that it's a good idea to rank his own P. Our next Reddit post is from Aloys my co-pilot. So this happened a few years back. I applied for a new job that required a drug test for all its new employees. The company was relatively small and handled all their drug testing in-house using dipsticks. There's little to note supervision or protocols when you take the drug test. They literally hand you a cup, ask you to go in one of the bathroom stalls, have you pee in a cup, then hand them the cup. They dip the dipstick in right in front of you and then you're done. Easy, right? So, Kavina comes

out of the bathroom and hands her cup of urine to the supervisor who then proceeds to test it. The supervisor looks up at Kavina and shows her the dipstick. Then this glorious conversation takes place. The supervisor says, so you want to try that again? Kavina, who looks confused, said, no, you have my urine right there. Oh, so you're dead then? Huh? Look, the urine you gave me was about 58 degrees Fahrenheit. And for all my Celsius listeners out there, that's 14.4 degrees Celsius. Either you're lying or you're dead. And since you don't look or sound like a corpse, I'm gonna assume this is not your urine.

It IS my urine! I'm cold-blooded, that's all. The supervisor chuckles. Are you trying to tell me that your natural body temperature is around 58 degrees? Well, I've never checked it, but yeah, when I'm nervous it's something around there. Ha ha, needless to say, Kavina was in home immediately and told not to come back. Honestly, this conversation is more embarrassing than just failing the drug test in the first place. Also, the thing to think about is 58 degrees Fahrenheit or 14 degrees Celsius isn't room temperature. That's cold pee. So when someone asked what I don't get is, where did she get the cold pee? And OP replied, I think we found out that she refrigerated it.

OP, I hope for your sake that she didn't use the office kitchen for that. Our next reddit post is from Wave Patunias. I had a friend many years ago who sadly passed away and he may have been a Kevin or simply the most Errassianly paranoid person who ever walked the earth. As you read on, keep in mind that Kevin was a dear sweet person with a high school diploma in some college credits who held Downsteady employment and paid his own rent. He was, in other words, a fully functioning biped with no-known mental illnesses. Most of what follows stem from a combination of truly endearing gullibility and a complete lack of understanding of the world, coupled with an ironclad conviction that he, and only he, knew exactly how the world worked. Kevin's period. Kevin read on the internet about a method involving yoga that would allow the person to either

stop having menstrual periods completely or choose one to have them. Kevin immediately started practicing this method, which involved massaging one's crotch with one's heels while chanting. Because I want to have more control over my body. Kevin was a 26 year old guy. To this day, I have no idea what he thought a menstrual period actually was. Kevin versus the Red Chinese. Kevin and I were roommates for a while. We lived in a large rundown house with several other roommates. Kevin once woke up the entire house at 5am

by banging on everyone's doors and screaming, get in the basement! The Red Chinese are bombing our town! For clarity, we live in a small rural town in the middle of Wisconsin. We found him in the cellar, praising the doorway, wearing nothing but combat boots. You may ask, did Kevin had a nightmare? What caused this panic? Apparently, he heard a banging sound outside and immediately jumped to the logical conclusion that it was caused by communist bombs. The actual source of this noise, a loose screen door banging in the wind.

Reading is not fundamental. Kevin didn't understand how reading worked. When I first met him, I was impressed by his vast collection of books on everything from history and political theory to sci-fi and art. I'm a big reader, so of course I asked him what he thought of a particular book that he had on his shelf which I'd recently read. Oh, I haven't read it. I said, oh cool, I buy a lot of books too and sometimes it takes me a while to read them. What are you reading right now? Nothing, I don't actually read books. Then… what?

I don't need to read them. If they're around me, then I have the knowledge. Reading them would just be a waste of time. Kevin makes a phone call. Kevin likes to call me at weird hours of the night to holler about his latest conspiracy theory. One night at around 3am, my then boyfriend was staying over when Kevin called. I was in the bathroom, so my boyfriend answered my phone and decided to be a troll. My boyfriend said, who is this? Uh, is OP there? Listen man, I don't know who OP is, but you better have her money by midnight tomorrow

or the dog gets it. Kevin screamed and hung up the phone. Five seconds later, the phone rings and I answer it. It's Kevin. Hello? Oh my god, I think I just called a terrorist cell. Which number did you dial? Yours. You gotta get out of your house. There called a terrorist cell. Which number did you dial? Yours.

You gotta get out of your house. There's a terrorist answering your phone. Oh, that was just my boyfriend. He was just messing with you. Despite my reassurances that there was not, in fact, a dognapping terrorist in my home or life, Kevin refused to accept that we weren't all in mortal danger. He literally believed this for years and would always check out my basement and closet when he came over just to make sure.

Kevin calls the bomb squad. Kevin came over from work one day and found one of those carnival-sized stuff ponies on his back porch. It was about four feet tall and bright pink. Kevin drew the very logical conclusion that it contained an explosive device and called the bomb squad.

Then he called me. I arrived to find a bunch of cops at his place who were all irritated at the nuisance, but also laughing their butts off at Kevin, who was refusing to go near the stuff pony and demanding that the FBI be brought in to investigate. I took the pony, strapped it to the roof of my car, and drove around with it until it disintegrated, it took about two months. Kevin refused to ride my car during that time. Corn is scary. Kevin and I were in his kitchen when he being trying to figure out what to have for dinner. I took a can of corn out of the cabinet and handed it to him. Here I said, hold on to this for a minute. Kevin shrieked, flung the can

across the room, and fled. He locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out for an hour. The corn was perfectly fine. P is for potty, and that's good enough for Kevin. Kevin read on the internet that drinking your own urine head health benefits. Kevin drank his own urine first thing every morning, against his doctor's advice for years because, screw what my doctor says, they're all a bunch of pharmaceutical shields anyway.

My body knows what I need. Kevin outwits the trouser industrial complex. Kevin refused to carry change. He refused to accept coins from cashiers. He drove a cab for a while and he would absolutely refuse to allow a customer to hand him any sort of coin. He would round a fare that cost 650 down to 6 bucks because, and I quote, Coins are just a plot cooked up between the US mint and the trouser industrial complex. See, if we carry around a bunch of coins, our pockets

were out faster and we have to buy more pants. Kevin prepares for the apocalypse. Kevin was completely certain that we were living in the end of days. He kept a go bag ready at all time, which contained the following, a bottle of water, some granola bars, a back of cigarettes, a lighter, and some random gold jewelry he figured he could use to barter for food when society inevitably collapsed. The only thing missing?

A gas mask, of course. So Kevin went to the local army surplus store and got himself a gas mask. It was too small. Kevin strapped it on and couldn't get it off. In fact, Kevin was in danger of suffocating until he was able to grab some scissors and slice the hole through the bottom edge of the mask. Then he called me to come over to help him get it off.

I ended up having to cut the straps and some of his hair because he was so hopelessly entangled in the thing. And he had somehow jammed the clasp in such a way that they wouldn't release his design. Kevin took his sliced up gas mask and stashed it in his go back, apparently satisfied they would keep him safe in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Kevin tries to flirt. Kevin was incredibly handsome. He was blessed with abundant dark hair, brooding eyes, and a killer smile. Imagine a young Tom Cruise if young Tom Cruise

had been a punk. He had no lack of female admirers. However, Kevin's idea of flirting was unconventional. His favorite come on was to find a flower, carry it into the presence of his current crush, and slowly, sensuously nibble the blossom while making intense eye contact with his lady love. I once watched him consume an entire daisy, stim-included, while gazing longingly across the room at some poor woman who had no idea what to do about his weirdness. Rest in peace, Kevin.

You were too weird for this world. Down in the comments someone asks, did Kevin's urine consumption have anything to do with his short lifespan? O.P. replied, we don't know. He passed from complications of an undiagnosed thyroid condition. I thought that eating certain flowers, especially lilies, might have made him ill, but he never seemed to have any problems. I actually had to look that up, and today I learned that lilies are poisonous.

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Perfume from Mom, Points for Me. Gaming Council for the Kids, Points for Me, Chalkets for the Teachers, oh yeah, Points for Me. Shoppers, you should totally go. Exclusions of Lie. Our next credit post is from Wichibi. I once knew this girl in passing who was the embodiment of what one would call uncultured swine.

She had graduated college as a theater major and had an interjiv in Broadway, so it's not like she was uneducated. Here's a few of my favorite incidents. I have a tattoo of a moon in stars in my ankle. Just a simple crescent moon with two stars around it in a black outline. Seeing this, she immediately asked if I was Muslim. Despite knowing me for two full months and knowing that I was pagan, also, a lot of followers of the Quran believe that tattoos are expressly forbidden.

When this was brought up, she was unaware of what the Quran was and said, Is that some place in Saudi Arabia? Another instance, we were talking about the Lion King and we mentioned how we love that they use Swahili. She thought we were screwing with her and making the language up. She proceeded to yell at us, telling us to stop making fun of the African people by making up words and implying that it was part of their culture. It took two hours to convince her the language was real. She was also absolutely convinced that Jewish people were mythical and the Holocaust was a fictional story. Every photo or video we showed to her, she

believed it was just a fictional movie. She believed this because, and I quote, I've never met a Jewish person. Two of the people in that room were Jewish. And down in the comments, we have this story from Texas Scotsman. Lowell, there was a girl in one of my history classes who was very similar. The teacher was discussing age and griefs, and offhandedly commented on how people often marry their cousins and such. Well, this Kavina raised her hand and made a comment on how they couldn't do that since it was against the Bible. Now, cousin marriage certainly is not against the Bible, but I answered the question for

the teacher, explaining that there was no Bible at the time, and also the geography of Greece made it very insular. And after a while, there weren't many prospects to go around anyway. Most people didn't have the luxury of traveling to find spouses. But the Bible says, we explained, sure, but there wasn't a Bible back then, so they couldn't have known what it doesn't say regardless. But the Bible says, It was at this point the entire class yelled at her, there was no Bible yet. Our next read had posted from the power of a name.

My sister used to work with a lady who was a total cabina. There were a ton of stories, but this one in particular really stuck with me. One day Kavina had to call out from work. She was in the hospital on IV fluids due to dehydration and heat exhaustion. After returning to work, my sister asked her how she got so dehydrated. Apparently, poor Kavina had no idea, although I'm certain the doctors did try to explain it to her at the hospital. According to my sister, the conversation went something like this.

What happened? How did you get so dehydrated? I don't know. I was just swimming. Were you drinking water? Not really, but I was swimming. Uh, okay. You weren't drinking anything though, like all day.

It was almost a hundred degrees. Yeah, but I was in the water, so I wasn't hot. And you can't get dehydrated when you're in the water. No amount of explanation could convince Kavina that she could, and did get dehydrated while swimming, because she didn't drink any fluids for hours on an incredibly hot day. It's too bad my sister doesn't work with her anymore. This woman was a gold mine for Kevin's stories. What's so funny to me about this story is that as she got increasingly more and more dehydrated

from the water seeping out of her skin into this woman pool or the lake or wherever she was, this could be in a way that would have gotten increasingly thirsty. So at some point she would have been like, Oh my god, my mouth is so dry. But I guess I'm not actually thirsty because I'm surrounded by water. But, no, my mouth is so dry. Our next reddit posted from Netherwellup. Last year, I had to look to live with a cabin in the Sherat House at University. Here are a few of his adventures.

Kevin got hit by a train. Drunken trying to get home, he realized he was on the wrong platform. So he walked straight across the tracks and woke up in a hospital with policemen telling him not to leave. Kevin jumped out of the hospital window onto his damaged legs and took a taxi home. He was later fine for trespassing on the railway. Kevin managed to score 109% plagiarism on an essay for his course. He claimed, since I copied it from a book enough from the internet, I didn't think they'd be able to tell. They could tell. He scored a zero. We're still not sure of how 109% plagiarism is even possible.

Kevin managed to lose three iPhone 7s in the space of five months, and which is by a new one every time we went missing. One time when Kevin was drunk, he climbed a building and proceeded to fall two stories onto the pavement. He woke up with no memory of the night, but couldn't walk properly and was peeing blood. He decided not to go to the hospital because he doesn't like lines and waiting, so he limped for two months and ignored his bloody urine. Kevin went showed up to work eight hours late. When asked where he was,

he told his managers that he was still coming down off as Ketamine Hyde from the night before. Somehow, he was not fired for this. One time during a party, Kevin got on the top of our roof and proceeded to fall, ripping the gutters off with him, which he then used to stab my other housemates with. Kevin snorted Cocoa Powder because he was told this would get him high. Kevin has failed his first year of

university twice now and is currently paying to retake it for the third time. He hasn't told his parents. They expect him to graduate this year. OP, this dude jumped our fell off the top of the building three times that you know of in his life and then walked around for two months peeing blood? How was this guy not dead? That was our slash stories about Kevin, and if you like this content, be sure to follow this podcast, because I put on new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.