rSlash - r/Storiesaboutkevin She's the DUMBEST Woman on Earth

Episode Date: January 24, 2024

0:00 Intro 0:09 Co worker Kevin 1:50 Counting time 3:13 DNA 7:32 Thieving Kevin 12:28 Simple SIL 16:30 Comment advice Visit BetterHelp.com/RSLASH today to get 10% off your first month. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Welcome to r slash stories about Kevin, where a woman is so stupid that she nearly kills herself because of it. Our next Reddit post is from the young one. I work with a female Kevin. There is no other way to describe this woman. Here's a few examples of her Kevinisms. Once she called off work because she was sick. Then she drove herself to the hospital with a 40 degree temperature. That translates to 104 degrees Fahrenheit. Let's remember that base body temperature is 37 degrees Celsius, 39 is classified as a fever,

and 41 or 42 your organs start to shut down. She blacked out on the Autobahn. You know, that place where cars drive at whatever speed they see fit, and she crashed. Last night, she choked, couldn't breathe, and turned blue. Her mother had to come into her room and try to save her. She only decided to seek medical attention this morning. I live in Germany, but I'm a native English speaker. On our first day, we were talking about languages.

I asked if she could speak anything other than German, and she said no. Which is odd, because a lot of German people our age have at least school level English, but whatever. She then had a phone conversation with her mother in perfect Arabic. She couldn't discern that German and Arabic were different languages. She asked me what working visa I had to get to live in Germany and if it was hard to get. I am an Irish citizen. We have freedom of movement with the EU, of which Germany is also a member. She was entirely unaware of this. The woman is harmless, but one day she's going to unintentionally cause her own death.

I don't know man, driving on the Autobahn with 104 degree temperature and blacking out sounds like she's going to cause other people's deaths too. Our next Reddit post is from Shinkowulf. My part-time coworker, Kavina, came running up to me bursting with good news. They did it again! They messed up and paid me an extra hour again this week! Huh? I said, what do you mean?

I work from midday to quarter past five every day, but the last few weeks I've checked my pay slips and they've been paying me 5.25 hours each day. I'm getting an extra 10 minutes of pay each day, which is 50 minutes a week, almost a whole extra hour for nothing! I say, uh, you realize that decimal is part of the hour, right? Not minutes? So, 5.25 hours is 5 and a quarter hours, not 5 hours and 25 minutes. With an amazing condescending and pitying look, she looks at me and says, Yes, I know it's a decimal.

5.25. 0.25 of an hour is 25 minutes, but I've only been working for 15 minutes. She then throws in, as you might to a preschooler, 25 is 10 more minutes than 15 minutes. What else could I do? I said, wow, that's pretty lucky. Don't worry, the secret saved to me, but you can buy me a couple of beers sometime with your lucky windfall bonus money and watch as she ran off, happy as a pig in shit, utterly

convinced she was getting money for nothing. Our next Reddit post is from Alcuna. So I can't even completely wrap my brain around this Kevin. But when my friend Sage told me this story, I just had to get her permission to post it here. She gave it, so here we go. Fair warning.

I fear the number of IQ points that may be lost in reading this. Sage started dating Kevin about two years before this incident. Things seemed to be going alright between them. She told me that he was a bit of a derp and sometimes incredibly oblivious to some things. He couldn't pick up on subtle cues and even suggestions flew over his head with about a mile of airspace between his skull and the suggestion. She originally chalked it up to him being on the autism spectrum as she has a few other

friends who have similar problems picking up cues. Anyways, all is well and good. Then the talk of taking the relationship seriously came up. Marriage and becoming a family. And that's when the plane hit the mountain with a cartoonish bang. Kevin announced that he wanted to DNA test Sage's kids to make sure that they were his. Kids who were 5 and 3 when Sage and Kevin started dating. Sage said that she had to come to a full stop in the conversation for several seconds while

her brain rebooted. She said, They're not your kids. You know they're not. My ex-husband and I had them before I ever met you. Yeah, and now that we're getting married, they'll become mine. I just wanted DNA test them to make sure of it. Let me see if I understand this.

Do you actually think that my kids' DNA will change to become biologically yours when you adopt them? Obviously, I just want the confirmation on paper is all. There was a long conversation about how DNA doesn't work that way, with his rebuttal being that adopting them would make them become his. Then there had to be a conversation that the kids becoming his kids would only happen on paper and in the legal system. That, no, the children wouldn't magically transform

into his biological kids once the paperwork was filled out. Kevin insisted that everybody said the kids would become theirs once adoption happened. She explained the concept that adopted children should be loved just as much as if they were biological, and that's what that had meant. Kevin still insisted that he was right. Kevin's mom eventually had to get involved to backup Sage.

His dad had to get involved to backup Sage. A few books had to get involved to backup Sage. Kevin was furious. He couldn't understand why people would ever adopt a kid if the kid didn't become the actual biological child of the people who took them in. He thought that it was stupid and selfish for kids to retain the DNA of the sperm slash egg donor. How could any kid who wanted to be adopted refuse to change just one little thing so

they could have parents? He said that DNA doesn't work that way was a BS excuse. He ranted, he raved, and right in front of his own parents, he told her that if her kids weren't going to become his kids, then the marriage wasn't going to happen. He told her that he would give them one week to change their minds and agree to be his biological kids. He said that when they stopped being selfish and when the DNA test proved it, he would take the kids in. Sage later told me. And that's how their relationship

ended. I said, uh, wait, hang on. Was he just looking for an excuse to break it off? Did he just get cold feet or want to date around some more? Or… Nope, he really is just that stupid. His mom called me on the sly and very gently suggested that I break it off with Kevin. Because no matter how much she and his dad talked to him, he was adamant about it. He's even saying that he will never date a woman with kids from here on out unless they agree to change their DNA to become his if their relationship becomes serious. So, Sage is single again, having dodged a tactical nuke. God help everyone if he ever breeds. Well, it's a good thing that DNA doesn't work that way, because if so, that would mean that if Sage married this Kevin, then instantly his kids would drop like 20 IQ points. Our next Reddit post is from PandaHales.

I'm a 24-year-old woman, and when my good friend started dating again after a devastating breakup, I was pretty stunned. My first impression was that this new guy, who's 25, couldn't be any more different from her ex-boyfriend. Her ex was well put together, formal and a law student. And while I wasn't the biggest fan of him as her partner, he was always very polite and mild mannered. On the first day that I met her new boyfriend, he swung open my apartment door without knocking and loudly

announced that the lobby of my building had free cookies, placing a plate of cookies onto my kitchen counter. I was a little shocked because our lobby usually has a plate with about 10 cookies for people to take one, and this dude just took the entire thing. The next thing I noticed was his appearance. Standing at 6'4 and probably weighing 140 pounds, he is easily the lankiest person I have ever laid eyes on. He was wearing an extremely oversized shirt, a ball cap on backwards, and had cookie crumbs all over his face. My friend walked in behind him,

looking a little embarrassed as I welcomed them in. The rest of the night became an endless cycle of me giving him the benefit of the doubt and him proving me wrong. That night we played some board games, and although he was EXTREMELY enthusiastic about every game that we played, I can only describe his ability to play as incompetent. When he couldn't keep up with some of the more advanced board games, I gave up trying to explain and chose an easy one, Pictionary. Every time that it was his turn to draw, he would toss away the words that he didn't know, find one he did, ask my friend to whisper in his ear what he should draw,

and then fervently scribble while yelling, tell me when you need a hint! And then giving the hint the next second. And his... His hints were like, it rhymes with lelephant. Every time it was his turn to guess, he would leap from the couch, bouncing around the room

and shouting random words while clapping his hands excitedly. I would soon come to learn that this was Kevin. He was constantly, and at times offensively, enthusiastic, clumsy, and downright stupid. As much as I struggled to spend an hour with the guy and didn't understand why my friend was dating him, I could tell that she loved him and he always treated her well. So I'd have to accept that this guy was going to be at a lot of the events that I was at. Needless to say, once Kevin entered the picture, there hasn't been a dull moment. Here are some of my favorite stories about Kevin.

He once found a nest of baby birds and brought them inside, nest and all because he didn't see any birds around to mother them. My friend's mother mentioned to him that he was welcome to come to their church with them over Christmas and his response was, isn't it closed? Then, my friend's mother decided to see just how far this went. She asked Kevin, you know who's born on Christmas, don't you? Kevin's response. The Grinch? In the middle of the night, he awoke to a commotion outside and walked out the door in his underwear to investigate. He saw a man standing next to his car. This strange man casually convinced him that he was his next door neighbor. Kevin knows both

of his neighbors, and he was just checking his tires. Kevin chatted for a while and went back to sleep while this neighbor looted everything in Kevin's car. For his birthday, he asked my friend to take him to the Super Mario movie. My friend said that he laughed harder than any kid in there, and ate so much popcorn and candy that he puked when they got home. And my all-time favorite Kevin's story. Kevin was invited to my uncle's funeral as my friend was coming and I told her that he could come along, though I was apprehensive about this. When Kevin showed up, I was confused.

He was wearing a suit that was way too short and too tight. I giggled and asked when he had last worn it, and he explained that he had never worn it, he never owned a suit. He recently found it in a train station and he couldn't believe his luck. He then went around to all of my older relatives asking them to guess where he got his suit. Then would proudly announce that he found it under a bench. During the funeral proceedings, I heard this loud wailing from behind me. I didn't mind at all because many people were crying, but this was wailing!

I turned around and there's Kevin, sobbing his eyes out while my friend comforts him. After the funeral, I gave him a big hug, crying a bit myself. After the funeral, I realized that Kevin wasn't so bad and that I'd grown to feel disappointed at events that Kevin wasn't at,, and that I'd grown to feel disappointed at events that Kevin wasn't at, because he never failed to add a little bit of chaos and a little bit of joy. He proposed to my friend over the summer. I honestly cannot wait to see them get married and be a bridesmaid for the first time.

I really hope he wears the suit that he found. Our next Reddit post is from ClevverUsername. My future sister-in-law, who's 25, is breathtakingly stupid. And I can't stand her! And I do not want her to be the mother of my future nieces and nephews. Our father lost his left leg below the knee in an accident before my brother and I were born. And when she first came over to our house to meet me and my parents, she said, Oh wow, it's crazy that you and your brother didn't inherit that. We all laughed uncomfortably thinking that it was a bad joke, but she didn't laugh. Even after my brother explained that it isn't a genetic defect, it's an injury, she still

thought that it was a possibility that my brother and I would be born with a missing leg. She told us that she believed in Santa Claus until she was 16. And her parents had to break it to her and it broke her heart. You know that joke, the pee is stored in the balls? She thought that it was real. She asked my brother how come pee didn't come out when he came during passionate hugging. She commented that she never sees pink lemons in the store. She literally thought

that pink lemonade was from pink lemons. She didn't realize that Donald Trump the actor and Donald Trump the president were the same person. And speaking of Trump, she too tried to look at the solar eclipse without sunglasses despite my brother pleading with her to keep them on. She thought that blood diamonds meant that they were made from blood, and we found out because she asked, How come the diamonds aren't red? She thought that in order to play for a city sports team, you had to be FROM that city. So it confused her when one of the other players got traded. She asked,

Well, what other team do we have here in the city? She didn't think platypuses were real. She once tried to correct me when I mentioned something being $100 million. She goes, Um, don't you mean a billion? Because she didn't think that 100 million was a real number. She thought that it was 99 million and then 1 billion. She thinks the moon gives off light. I tried to tell her that it's the reflection from the sun, and she argued with me, saying that

that couldn't be true because the sun was down behind the earth, and if it was lighting the moon, it would light up the entire world. She thought, did the I Have a Dream speech. I could go on for days. She's been with my brother since he was in college. She was not in college with him. They met at a music festival. She literally said that she didn't want to go to college because it seemed super hard. That's so funny to me because that's the first thing she said that she didn't want to go to college because it seemed super hard. That's so funny to me because that's the first thing she said that's actually correct. I have such a hard time being around her.

I don't understand what the F my brother sees in her. I do not get it. He's a software engineer making six figures and she works as a hairdresser, so I see why she's with him. I want to ask him why he would want to marry such an effing moron. Like it's embarrassing when she talks and he brings her around people he works with. I would be mortified if I was him. I asked my parents about having an intervention with him after he announced that he was proposing

to her, and they told me no, that they thought that she was sweet and that my brother considers her his best friend and they work well together. Does no one else worry that she could make a terrible decision that severely affects my brother? Or when they have kids, she could put them in harm's way? What could she possibly teach them? It's not a matter of her being innocently stupid. She could have real-life consequences of being this dim-witted.

Hey OP, this is a really funny story. Like, I was cracking up, so I definitely understand where you're coming from. But let's be honest, dumb people can be lovable too. Just because you're not smart doesn't mean that you're not a good person, not a good wife, not a good mother, not a caring person. Down in the comments, we have this story from M-Lok TM. If this was about 20 years ago, I'd be sure that you were talking about my cousin. wife, not a good mother, not a caring person. Down in the comments, we have this story from M. Locktiam. If this was about 20 years ago, I'd be sure that you were talking about my cousin. She's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. More of a spoon.

A blunt one. And she knows it. Her mom, whose fault it was anyhow, don't do booze and drugs when pregnant. Made sure that my cousin never got to forget that she was born stupid. Here's the thing though, my cousin is the kindest, most loving, most caring person I know, and absolutely the best mom that any kid could ask for. Yeah, if you tell her a joke, it'll take her a while to process it and laugh about it.

But are you sad and you need to talk about it? She's got a sick sense about it, and you'll literally feel her turning her high beams of empathy towards you until you feel better. Her husband of 20 plus years adores her. Her kids love her to bits. She's never going to be the greatest conversation list, but having her as your friend or family will enrich all of your lives. That was our slash stories about Kevin, and if you like this content, be sure to follow

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