rSlash - r/TIFU By Accidentally 🍆💦 During My Zoom Class Meeting

Episode Date: January 15, 2022

r/TIFU In today's episode, OP had some free time before his online Zoom class, so he and his girlfriend decided to "entertain" each other. OP finished up first, so he started the call while his girlfriend finished up next to him. Unfortunately, OP forgot to mute his microphone! So when his girlfriend crosses the finish line, his mic picks up the sound and his window lights up to let everybody in the class know where the noise came from. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to our slash today I F'd up, where OP has intercourse with a Minecraft villager. Today I F'd up by drinking $600 worth of booze. I lost my uncle this past fall. He was the odd duck of the family and I loved him very much. We had lots in common. He introduced me to many of the things that I love to do. He was a high paid lawyer and he was terrible with money. The rest of my family is poor, so I grew up hearing tales of his monetary misdeeds.

For example, he used his bonus one year to buy a condo in Key West, only to lose it because he didn't pay his taxes. He was so bad at adulting that he never had a phone line for long because he'd forget to pay the bill. So his company gave him a cell phone that they paid for, which was unheard of at that time. The company he worked for loved him for his work. My mother asked me if I wanted any of his books from his summer bungalow.

I couldn't let all of my uncles' books just go to the dumps, so I went with her with a ton of bags and filled up my truck. She told me to take anything else I wanted, or else it would go to the dumpsters so the place can be empty when they sell it. Most of the non-book related stuff was junk. I found some great pictures that I kept and a few other odds and ends. One of those odds and ends is the heart of this today I effed up. It was a small red box with a brass plaque. Inside was a small bottle of booze. I should have known that it wasn't a normal bottle of booze because it wasn't a glass case with some other beach-themed brick-a-brack.

So fast forward to last night. I pull out the box, and after a hard day, I thought that I would give it a try. I'm not much of a drinker. I'll have a glass of scotch every few months, but that's about it. I never have any beer or wine unless I use it for cooking. My lack of experience with alcohol really comes into play here. I sit down and get out two glasses. One for me and one for the wife.

It's good to share. I crack open the case and pour each of us a little taste. That first sip was when I knew that I'd screwed up. It was way too smooth, like zero burn at all. I finished my glass, and I put the glass stopper on the top to save the rest for later. As I'm sitting there, letting the warmth radiate out for my belly, I grab my phone to see if I can find more of this excellent booze. I think I've just found one more thing that I can accredite my uncle for turning me on to. I discover that I just drank a $600

Louis XIII cognac. I start freaking out. I frantically continue my search, hoping to find out that please God, let this not be what I think it is. Yeah, nope. Even the empty crystal bottle in case sell for over $100 on eBay.

There are so many things that I would rather spend $600 bucks on than a drink. I even had a nightmare about it last night. And that's how things went when you were my uncle. A $600 bottle of booze hidden among junk. Thanks for one last wild ride, uncle. Honestly, OP, I don't really feel like this is a screw up, because based on your description of your uncle, I really think your uncle would have preferred that you enjoyed that drink. Honestly, the story is kind of sweet. Today I effed up by being vegan and possibly giving my family botulism. I'm vegan, my husband isn't.

For New Year's Eve, we ordered a giant box of Mediterranean food that was mostly vegan with a few non-vegan sauces for the husband. Last night, I was looking to use up the last of the non-vegan garlic sauce. Since it was only a few days old, I figured it had to be fine and I mixed it into my husband's portion of spaghetti sauce. As Hubby takes his plate to the TV to eat, I hear him in the other room going, oh god, oh god, I, wow, he really likes it! Until he marches back into the kitchen announcing that it was bad. Off. No good. It tastes like chemicals, he says. I take a bite of his plate because that's what people do when something's bad.

The militant vegans will probably be here soon to tell me that this single action probably took out a big section of the Amazon and killed the last forest fairy, but whatever. I still think it's fine, but except for these stolen bytes, I've been vegan for a long time, so maybe I can't tell anymore. We dump his plate, throw out the rest of the sauce, feed him my portion of dinner, and resolve to have ice cream later to make it up. Except, something is nagging me. After I finish my dinner, I go back to the garbage can and pull the sauce out. It's kind of bubbly. I can jellies and vegetables sometimes, and I start freaking out. Oh my god, I just ate botulism. For those of you who don't know, botulism is a serious illness caused by a toxin that attacks the body's

nerves and causes difficulty breathing, muscle paralysis, and even death. Apparently, the toxin is produced by a certain type of bacteria. I called out for my husband. My vision is graying. I'm having a panic attack. We live in an urban area, hospitals are at capacity with COVID, and I just gave us botulism. My husband tells me to calm down as I'm taking off my sweater and pants to get maximum air flow on this rolling ball of overheating anxiety attack. Botulism doesn't taste bad, he says. I challenge him to show me where an authority says it's something that tastes bad can't coexist with botulism. I decide while he's doing that, that I'm going to

return to the arms of my teenage fling with bulimia. After I'm done horking up enough mangled spaghetti and bread to convince myself that that curr stolen spoonful of botulism must have come up too, I clean up and rejoin my husband. He says, show me this sauce. So we go to the fridge where I've wrapped up the remaining sauce. My husband examines it, prods it, and suddenly sticks his finger into taste it before I can stop him. Huh, he says. That tastes good. Something else must have tasted funny. You'll be fine. My husband comes in for a kiss. I stop him from all that. Not only am I relatively fresh from a 10 minute fling with the toilet, but he's got some of the stuff all over his beard. My husband stops in his tracks.

Oh my god, he says. I ate hand sanitizer. Uh, what? You see, he had to physically go into work today, which fortunately is rare, and while continually sanitizing his hands, he somehow managed to also sanitize his beard with globs and globs of hand sanitizer. Now, my husband is not a gracious eater. He somehow managed to also sanitize his beard with globs and globs of hand sanitizer. Now, my husband is not a gracious eater.

Apparently, he combed his fork of spaghetti through the hand sanitizer. The spaghetti was just along for the ride. And yet somehow, I still feel awful today. Is my digestion messed up from the animal products in that cursed bite of garlic sauce? Is my system upset at throwing up last night? Do I have COVID?

Do I have botulism? Who knows? Welcome to 2021. Spin the wheel and claim your prize. If my Reddit account goes unusually quiet, assume that I'm paralyzed from botulism after all, I guess. My husband may just have to go on through this cruel world eating hand sanitizer without me. Well, Opie, I would think that if you did eat botulism, then the hand sanitizer that you ate after should kill the botulism, right?

To be clear, that is a joke. Do not drink hand sanitizer. Do not drink soap. Do not drink any cleaning liquids. Today, I have to buy encouraging my fiance to fact check. So the outcome of this is literally happening as I type this out. First, a little context. My mom is very left on the political spectrum. My soon to be mother-in-law is on the complete opposite end of that spectrum. I understand that politics have had some really bad repercussions over the last couple of years for some families. But I'm just now beginning to witness this first hand. My mom made a post on Facebook about condemning the invasion on the US Capitol. Someone commented on it, basically saying that Antifa is planting people in there to make the right look crazy.

My fiance showed it to me and said that she can comment actual substance to disprove these comments. And I encourage her to do so because I honestly think that truth should be shared. say showed it to me and said that she can comment actual substance to disprove these comments, and I encourage her to do so because I honestly think that truth should be shared, especially if someone is passionate about the subject. So my fiance linked her research, and my mom thanked her for the backup, and the other person didn't have a reply to it, and that was the end of that. Until it wasn't. My soon to be mother-in-law basically commented that everyone should keep an open mind and

that there's a lot of fake news being spewed by the media. She argued that Trump has done a lot of great things that the media doesn't acknowledge and that people shouldn't make rude comments about her president. My mom didn't realize who made this comment and immediately replied that my mother-in-law is one of the idiots who blindly follows Trump. And that if she agrees with him, then she's a traitor. My mom immediately apologized after realizing who it was, and she tried messaging her and texting her,

but she's been unfriended, blocked. And now my fiance is having a pretty heated political discussion with her mom. We've tried apologizing on behalf of my mom, but my mother-in-law is airing out all of her political beliefs. Man, I can't wait until the wedding. Too long didn't read. Today I f'd up by starting a Facebook war between my mom and my mother-in-law, and now there's trouble in paradise. Today I f'd up by leaving a real Christmas tree in my apartment until May. I actually screwed up eight years ago, but time has worn down my pride enough that I'm willing to finally share my story with the world. It was recently suggested to me that I should leave my Christmas tree up a little longer so I can enjoy the cheeriness that it brings to the living room.

This is easy to suggest when you haven't seen the things that I've seen. When you haven't done the things that my boyfriend and I have done. You see, if you ever have a year when you leave your tree up until May, that experience changes you. It changes Christmas forever. We've always used real trees as opposed to artificial ones, which means they have to be disposed of after the holidays. Back when we lived in an apartment, they had a small window of time when you could leave

the tree by the curb and they would haul it away for you. Unfortunately, we missed that window, which turned into weeks and weeks of pretending the tree just didn't exist. Sure, the ornaments came down, but the skeletal remains of Christmas stood in our living room as a monument to our evasion of basic responsibilities. One day in late February, we realized that we could be having friends over for dinner. We thought, oh my god, we can't let people know that we still have this tree. So we did what any logical couple would do, and we hid it in the closet with a white

blanket over it. You can imagine how terrifying it was in the beginning, when you would get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night and see an eight-foot tall Christmas tree ghost looming in the doorway. I don't know what the final straw was. Maybe it was a storage space that we were losing by having a massive cloak-duckless fur in our closet. Maybe it was that we missed using that blanket that had taken on a new purpose in life. Whatever it was, we knew that we couldn't avoid this issue any longer.

We still didn't know how to dispose of this tree. We couldn't leave it at the curb, and we knew that wherever we took it, it was going to leave a breadcrumb trail of humiliation straight to our doorstep. That's when the saw came out. Into the wee hours of the night, we carefully disassembled the tree until it was compact enough to fit into a cardboard box. By 2am, we were covered in sweat and sap, but we were able to stealthily discard the box in a nearby dumpster.

On that day, we vowed to never again let the disposal of the Christmas tree become an episode of forensic files. And now my shameful pass is out in the open for the internet to enjoy. Happy New Year all. Today I fdub by asking my husband about Pokemon. Okay, so this happened a few days ago, of course. My husband and I were in bid at night, and I was feeling pretty in the mood, so I definitely wanted to start some action.

We were cuddling and talking and stuff, and in an attempt at being sexy, I asked him how his Pokemon campaign was going. So a bit of background, he's currently playing Heart Gold doing the Nuzlocke Challenge. It's when you play through the game, but when your Pokemon die, they're actually dead, or something like that. He's been talking to me about it non-stop. Okay, so back to the story.

I was trying to be sexy by asking him how his Nuzlocke challenge was going because I thought that he'd think, oh she cares about my Pokemon endeavors. That's so sexy. Anyway, he answered my question for a long time. We did not passionately hug that night. The comments on these are too good. Ninja Kaji says, next time ask him if he has enough P.P. left to harden. And then Edgeberg says, O.P. used charm. Husband used focus blast. O.P. is confused. O.P. used frustration. Today I F.D. by telling my boyfriend that he sounds like a Minecraft villager, strap yourselves in everyone, I'm not quite sure what to do here. I'm a 19 year old girl, and today my 19 year old boyfriend and I were sitting at the table having breakfast. During our conversation, he brought up our escapades from last night.

See here's the issue reddit. My boyfriend is a great guy, funny, smart, incredibly hot, but there's just one thing that's so hard for me to look past. Whenever we passionately hug, he makes these noises that sound exactly like a Minecraft villager. Hmm, how? Hmm, how? Usually I can just ignore it, but last night I don't know what happened, but I just couldn't. When he finished, he made the loudest groan that I've ever heard.

This groan sounded like a bass boosted Minecraft villager played at a hundred volume through headphones. I lost it. I let out a little giggle and practically sprinted to the bathroom before I exploded with laughter. He heard and he asked what was so funny, and I told him I just saw a funny post on my phone, and that was that. Well that brings us to this morning. I was hoping he wouldn't say anything, but of course he had to ask what I saw that was

so funny. At this point, I figured I just had to tell him the truth. So I said, babe, I'm really sorry, but last night you made a really funny sound and I just couldn't stop laughing. He's a good sport so I laughed, but then he asked me to describe it to him. I told him that he makes villager noises whenever we passionately hugged and he became very confused. So I pulled up a video on YouTube and it did not sit well with him.

He told me that I was lying and there was no way. I told him that I wasn't lying and that really, I'm used to it at this point. But then he accused me of trying to embarrass him and told me there was no way he could sound like that in bed. I didn't back down, but I did tell him that it was okay. He is pissed now though. He hasn't said a word to me since, and we have to leave to go see his family tomorrow for Christmas stuff. Well OP, if he's still upset, you could always try trading him an emerald. Today I f'd up because I managed to broadcast my partner's big O.

I'm currently a university student. All classes are being done online due to the pandemic and as such, we log into Microsoft Teams to participate in our lessons. I logged in this morning for a group tutorial and all was well. Then I had a 30 minute break before my next class. During this 30 minute break,

my girlfriend decided that we should participate in some extracurricular activities, if you know what I mean. So wayam bam we got it on. Time was against us, and while I managed to achieve the intended result, she was somewhat behind. Had time been on my side, and if I was a better lover, then I would have facilitated the equal achievement for my partner. However, as previously stated, I had to go to statistics

class. The lecture started, and my partner continued next to me in bid while I somewhat distracted tried to continue my studies. She completed her goal with full sound effects. My lecture tried to stifle a laugh. Then to my horror, I saw that I wasn't muted. Oh no, I think that it was unmuted when I made the team's window full screen. We valiantly carried on as if nothing had happened, and my WhatsApp group exploded with comments. On the bright side, the lecture is recorded, so I can relive my moment of shame at my leisure. That was our slash today I effed up, and if you like this content, be sure to follow

my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day. That was our slash today I FEDUP and if you like this content be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.