rSlash - r/TIFU By Accidentally Kidnapping a Child!

Episode Date: October 21, 2021

r/TIFU In today's episode, OP was babysitting his nephew for the day. When he went to go pick up his nephew, his nephew says that his friend can come hang out for the day as well. OP asks the friend if his mom knows about this, and the kid says "yes." So, OP takes his nephew and the friend to his home without realizing that the friend was lying about having permission. He later gets a frantic call from his sister asking if he had the friend. She was about to call the cops and file a missing person's report! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to R-slash, a podcast where I read the best post from a cross-reddit. Today's subreddit is R-slash Today I F-Dub, where OP kidnaps a child. Today I F-Dub by accidentally kidnapping a child. So this happened last week when I was babysitting my nephew for a few days for my sister. My nephew's name is Adam and his friend's name is Max. Adam is still in elementary school, but me and him get along pretty well because we enjoy similar things, so I was looking forward to the week. This all started when I went to pick up Adam from school. They called his name over the intercom and he came out with his friend, Max.

I said, who's this? My friend, Max. Mom usually lets him come over after school. Hey, Max, I'm OP. Hello, Mr. OP. Is it okay if I hang out today? Sure, that's fine. Is your mother okay with it? Max went silent for a second, but. OP. Is it okay if I hang out today? Sure, that's fine.

Is your mother okay with it? Max went silent for a second, but then answered. Yeah, she's fine with it. I talked to her about it yesterday. So off we went. We went back to the house, and Adam asked me if we could go get some ice cream. I love ice cream, so the boys dropped off their bags, and I drove them to the store to buy everyone some ice cream.

I decided we might as well get some snacks too while we were there. Adam and Max got excited and grabbed a bunch of snacks. So I paid in we left, stopping in a park on the way back home to eat the ice cream. We got back home and Adam and Max played with Legos and I prepared dinner while watching a movie on TV. So a while goes by and I ask Max what time I need to get him home by. It was my fault that I asked him so late. It had completely slipped my mind.

Hey Max, what time is your mom expecting you home? Max didn't respond so I repeated the question. Um, Mr. O.P., my mom doesn't actually know that I came over today. When he said that, my heart dropped and my first thought was, did I hear that right? I asked him what he meant, and he explained to me that his mom told him that he couldn't go over to Adam's house until he cleaned his room. It dawned on me that I had basically just kidnapped a child. I immediately asked him for his mother's phone number, which he didn't know. Side note, parents, please teach your children your phone number.

I asked him for his address and he said, I live near the school. Yeah, thanks kid, that really helps. I checked my phone only to realize that the outlet I'd plugged it into didn't work and my phone was dead. I didn't know what to do and I was getting really worried the cops were going to knock on my door and arrest me. I calmed myself down, I plugged my phone into a working outlet, and I talked to Adam and Max. I told Max that it was not okay to lie, and his mom was probably freaking out right now. I picked them up from school at 3 p.m. and it was now 6 p.m. when my phone turned on. I saw that I had six missed calls from my sister and three from my brother-in-law. I called my sister back and explained frantically what had happened. She calmed me down and

told me that Max's mom had called them to ask if they had Max, and my sister said no. Max's mom hung up to presumably call other people, and my sister tried to call me to ask if I had Max. Then my sister called Max's mom and explained the situation. Max's mom came by and picked up Max. I apologize for all the trouble I caused and she told me that it was fine that the problem was solved in the end. Me and Max's mom talked for a bit about what happened that day and she managed to finally calm down.

She told me that she was about to call 911 when she got a call from my sister, so it's a good thing that Max came clean when he did. Me and Max's mom exchanged numbers in case this ever happens again, and we shared a laugh over the craziness of the situation. I'm really glad that she was understanding and didn't call the cops on me. So in the end, it all worked out I would say. Today I effed up by using soy sauce. This just happened, and I'm still trying to cope with it.

So I love soy sauce. I added to almost everything a seasoning. Eggs, noodles, veggies, you name it. Today was no different. I made myself some ramen noodles with veggies, poured some good ol' soy sauce over it and I was happily munching away. It was delicious.

Life was good. Now the soysauce bottle I use has a small opening and when you want to use it, you just tilt it over and it pours out. You can unscrew the top to refill it with soysauce if you ever run out though. I always thought that was really handy. No annoying cap openings or anything like that. Until today. It's still pretty hot where I live.

And there's fruit flies everywhere. If you leave your food uncovered for just one minute, it'll be covered in fruit flies. Now as I was chomping down on my food, I suddenly see movement inside the soy sauce bottle. One of those annoying fruit flies actually managed to squeeze through the tiny opening and was now flying around inside of my soy sauce bottle. Now that's obviously disgusting. No one wants flies in their food. I had to get it out of the bottle so it wouldn't land in my next dish. I quickly grabbed a cup and a sieve to get it out. I opened the bottle and poured the sauce into the cup through the sieve, and the little fruit fly lands in the sieve, but something else

lands in it as well. At first, I thought it was just old soy sauce that somehow got clumped together. Oh, how wrong I was. I take a closer look and I realize that it's a huge pile of dead fruit flies. I'm not kidding, it was like the amount of two tablespoons and the bottle was pretty small. I gagged and immediately drained the whole soy sauce.

I am utterly disgusted and I now have to live with the fact that I've been eating fruit flies for a good amount of time. I wonder if I can ever use soy sauce normally again. Well, OP, if you think about it, can you even be certain that what you really enjoy is a taste of soy sauce and not the taste of marinated, dead fruit fly water? Today I have to, by using an old commercial jingle at work that caused me to get hauled into human resources for possible sexual harassment. Jinx are here.

I love old commercial jingles, especially once from the 70s and 80s, and I often will use them to make commentary on things I'm doing. We were in a meeting with sales and marketing, and we were discussing a new initiative that would involve both parties in a way that we've never done before. One of the younger marketing women was outlining this and I said, you've got your chocolate in my peanut butter! This was a popular tagline for Reese's peanut butter comes back in the day and I was using it too.

I thought, illustrate how we were putting two good things together. To make it worse, some of the older meeting participants laughed. I didn't think anything of it until I had the head of HR come into my office and asked to see me. Apparently, the young woman who was in her 20s had never heard of that commercial, and thought that I was making a sexually charged remark at her. Even the HR person hadn't heard of that commercial. I had to go online and actually pull up the commercial for them to believe me. I'll never live this down. Ha, ha, down in the comments, Blood Money says, if you didn't say, uh-oh, Spaghetti-O,

when you went to HR, then that was a missed opportunity. To my knowledge, I've never heard of put your chocolate in my peanut butter as some sort of slang. Like, is that a thing now? People are like, oh. Ha ha ha. This is so dumb.

Are people like, oh babe, put your chocolate in my peanut butter? Because I have a feeling that people aren't doing that because it sounds ridiculous. So why would this person automatically assume sexual assault? I mean, if all the things to think about, when you hear that sentence,

you're putting your chocolate in my peanut butter. Why immediately go to, wait, is this person making a remark about me being a woman or sexual jokes like, I don't really get it? So if I'm too old and uncool to get this joke to understand why it's sexual harassment, please let me know down in the comments because if this is slaying, it's totally going over my head. Today I effed up by waterboarding myself

at the gym, and that's not even the worst part. I was feeling dizzy before a workout because I was a bit dehydrated. This is important for later. I usually bring some liquid, but I forgot to that day. Usually I go to McDonald's and grab a large, unsweet iced tea for the gym. It's better than coffee, it wakes me up for the workout, and it's only one buck. That was screw up number one. Well, in my slight light-headedness, I think I'll just have some water at the fountain in the middle of a workout. That was screw up number two. After an hour on the treadmill, my throat starts to stick a little. I had my mask on and was doing a slow jog. Just enough for me to breathe through the mask and my throat starts to stick a little. I had my mask on and was doing a slow jog. Just enough for me to breathe through the mask and didn't have to remove it in the hour

that I was running. I hop off the treadmill, and the first feeling I get is this rush of blood running away from my brain. It only lasted a second, but anyone getting up too fast from sitting or squatting a long time will know the feeling. It's also that same feeling of dizziness you get from being drunk. That would have been a good time to drink something, but because of COVID, the fountains were turned off, and you're supposed to bring your own water. Whoops. Okay, whatever. I'll just power through this.

The only thing left to do today was lightweight, so I should be fine. That was screw up number three. Yup, I go through with my hour of lightwades and at the end my shirt was very sweaty and I was feeling dizzy and light-headed at the end but it passed. Anyone who's had that feeling would know that it's actually a little euphoric and a great way to end the workout is to take a shower. This is where I should point out that I'm in terrible COVID condition. My belly is huge and my mother pointed out that I looked pregnant when I went to open the fridge door without my shirt on. This is also important. In my dehydration,

I'm not drunk level dizzy, but I am impaired enough to forget to take off my shirt and mask as I take my towel with me to the shower. There's no one else taking a shower because it was a pretty early workout, so I hit to my usual stall by habit which is close to the entrance. I turn on the shower and let the water hit my chest, and the feeling is amazing. But this is where everything goes wrong. I'm still wearing my sweaty shirt, and I decide that I should take it off with my mask still on. The shirt sticks to my skin and round belly, making it very hard to remove.

Now both my arms are up, and the shirt is stuck to my face and mask with the water now filtering through the shirt and mask blocking my nostrils. This is where I found out how horrible waterboarding is. The wet mask and shirt make it instantly extremely hard to breathe because my nostrils are blocked. Instinct forces me to use my mouth, which is also blocked, and I start to hyperventilate, which sends water into my lungs and causes me to cough and panic. I take a few steps back with my arms still up and spin around to get away from the water. Two very strong arms lift up my shirt and my mask with it, whereupon I'm confronted

with two ebony pegs that would make even the rock envious. Just below those godly pegcs are the abs of Hercules that puts my pear-shaped physique to shame. That's when all the water decides to leave my lungs and I start hacking. And beneath this rippling torso, I start hacking Spiddle onto the biggest hot dog I've ever seen. While this is happening, the manliest of hands pats my back like I'm a baby being burped through tears and embarrassment. We both realize that there's a third person who just walked in. They see me bent over and coughing next to this giant naked guy. This person then turns on his heels and just noaps out of there. I utter some things to my savior and we both decided it's best not to talk about it and just finish our showers.

My shower was the shortest shower that I ever had, and I rushed to dress in the hopes that I can find that third person and hopefully explain what happened, but he was gone by then. On the way out, Dwayne the Rock Johnson, whose Johnson I was inches away from, is done with his shower. He has an expression that says, don't say anything, but I spent a few minutes with him thanking him as he's getting dried and dressed. He seems cool with it, I think, but nonetheless, I haven't been back in weeks. Today I have to buy and join my haircuts scalp massage a bit too much. This wasn't just today, this was 10 minutes ago, and I still don't think that I'm going to recover. Buckle up friends, this is going to be a hard story to tell. I get my haircut at sportsclips every first weekend of the month like clockwork.

I enjoy them because of the MVP hot towel scout massage stuff they do in the back, and I've never had a bad haircut from them. This is not an ad for sports clips, mind you, because I don't think I can ever go back. If you've ever been to sports clips, you know they're very male catering. Their sports on the TV, and all the stylists are generally young and attractive, and wearing booty hugging leggings. By this point, you've probably figured out where this story is going. So we do my haircut, and it looks great, I'm happy with it. Time to head back for the triple MVP. I lay back in the chair and she turns the massage on. Then

she adds the hot towel and starts rubbing my face. Then she starts in with the shampoo and boy does it feel good. I've always been a sucker for a woman massaging my hair. The chair is vibrating, my scalp is tingling. Fela, let's take a moment here to commissary on that moment when you know what's about to happen is about to happen. And you can't do anything to stop it. Yes, indeed. By the end of the first quarter,

the Ravens on ESPN on the Giant TV weren't the only ones facing stiff competition. Let's be clear, I didn't plan on doing much that day. I'm wearing an old T-shirt and gym shorts. I'm hiding nothing. Now I might not have that much to hide, but nevertheless my situation is clear. I have one and only one hope here. That shampoo cave in the back is always pretty dark at sports clips.

Maybe she'll be distracted by the work, I'll go to deflate and all will be well. Well friends, if I did that, then this wouldn't be a today I f'd up, would it? My screw up continues when I realize that I signed up for the triple MVP. I've got two more hot towels around a conditioner and a scalp treatment in my future. For the next 10 minutes, I'm tent camping outside the stadium and I'm just praying for this to end. Finally, we're all done and I think I pray that I made it out of the wood safely. Things are starting to calm down, and maybe we won't get a flag on the play here.

My stylist then hands me the towel from my hair and says, why don't you take a moment to relax and then come back to my chair? God in heaven, that settles that. I will now be the giggling topic of the break room tonight. I proverbially and partially literally tuck my tail between my legs, ghost it in the chair for her to trim up those loose hairs, pray the hot towel is the reason my face is bright red, pay and run away. I don't know if I can ever return to the sports clips again. I feel as if my face will be on a poster in the back like a hardened criminal.

Harden criminal. Opie, there's so many jokes I can make here. I don't even know which one to start with. Opie, I've got to ask. Did you give her your tip? Oh, this joke is so bad. Opie signed up for the MVP treatment, but it also sounds like he signed her up for the MVP treatment. My Vainey. My Vainey P***. Oh my God, OP. You just maybe realize something horrible. So I've gotten a few massages in my life when I go to, you know, like resorts or vacations or whatever. And literally every single time that I've ever gotten a massage, like a professional

grade massage, I fall asleep. It's just, it happens like clockwork halfway through. I just fall asleep, I drived off. And then because someone's massaging me while I'm falling asleep, I jerk awake and usually, I'll just be like, oh, sorry. And then just continue with the massage. But I just now realized that the masseuse may not realize that I was falling asleep. She may have thought that something else happened when I jerk suddenly. And oh my God.

Well, I just traumatizing these poor young women who thought that did he just do what I think he did? Oh jeez, Opie, I want to lose sleep over this tonight. That was our slash today I effed up, and if you like this content, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.