rSlash - r/TIFU By Almost Murdering My Tinder Hook-Up

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

r/TIFU In today's episode, OP is a feeling a little lonely, so he hops onto Tinder to find some company for the night. He finds a cute girl and invites her over. Just before she arrives, he snacks on some peanuts. The girl arrives and they start making out, and the girl starts coughing and choking. Turns out she is EXTREMELY allergic to peanuts, and now her throat is closing up. Luckily, OP was able to save her life before she almost died from his deadly kiss. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to R-slash Today I F'd up, where OP almost murders his tender date. Today I F'd up by showing my girlfriend my actual strength. So when my girlfriend and I started dating, I discovered early on that she can be quite physical. In the sense that she likes to push, hold, and even punch. Bear in mind that she wasn't actually trying to hurt me, she's just playful like that. I found this both adorable and fun, so I played along. And here's the screw up. If she pushed me, I would act like I had to balance myself, or if the better sofa was

nearby, I would fall onto it. If she held me, I would pretend that it was difficult for me to get out of her grip. If I pushed her and she resisted, I would pretend that it was difficult to push her, same with me holding her arms. You get the idea. I always assumed that she knew that I was playing along and not actually physically straining myself to compete with her strength. This went on for months.

One day we were chilling on the sofa watching a show when I realized that I was running late to meet some friends. I told her I had to shower and leave, and she decided this was a good time for a play fight. She sat on top of me to pin my arms under her knees. I played along and struggled to move her off of me. A little more wrestling took place with me playing along like I do. Then I told her that I really have to go.

She wasn't done, and continued to hold me down and push me back onto the sofa. Eventually, I decided I had to just win this little fight and get going. So, I got her onto her back, held her hands near her head, and lent down to kiss her on the cheeks a few times and let her know again that I'm running late. She tried to move her arms and she couldn't. While struggling, she grunted out, why are you so strong today? I laughed and looked at her like she was joking. Her eyes went wide with comprehension and she stopped struggling.

You're always this strong? She asked almost to herself. Come on, babe. You didn't really think that we're of equal strength. Did you? I replied. I then went to take a shower and got ready. And as I was hitting out the door,

I noticed that she might have been a little glum. Me being fully aware that I do not fully comprehend the mystery of female emotions had no clue why she was upset. I did what all men do, I guessed. I gave her a kiss, said that I won't be gone for long, and that I would pick up her favorite Chinese food on the way back. I assumed that she was upset at me for not spending the afternoon with her. She made no reply.

That was another screw-up. I should have spent some time talking it through. I, instead, went on my merry way and had a great epping time with my friends. She spent the next few hours brewing, simmering, seething, and, of course, overthinking. I came home with the Chinese food, and as soon as I put it down in the dining table, she sprung out of the corner and attacked me. It genuinely surprised me, and I reacted by bear hugging her to my chest. She struggled with more force than she normally would, and I just held her and kept asking what was wrong. She gritted her teeth and said, you lied to me. Eventually, she stopped trying to fight me, and I let her go. She then told me how she feels like I lied to her about our fights and that really all

this time, I was laughing at her in my head as I pretended that she was actually winning. I tried to take the conversation seriously, but come on! How the F am I supposed to take this seriously? So I may have been somewhat mocking, flirting, and generally being a butthole about the whole thing. A week later, she broke up with me. F my life. Opie, I love the line in this story where you're like, come on babe, you didn't really think we're up equal strength, did you?

Because it sounds like one of those anime lines right before the protagonist is about to like transform into super saiyan mode and just obliterate the opponent. And down in the comments, I'm going mode and just obliterate the opponent. And down in the comments, I'm going to read this reply from Eric the angry. Unfortunately, I can't find the original post that Eric the angry was talking about, but still it's a pretty good recap. I remember reading someone's story on Reddit where their girlfriend was getting lippy because while he hadn't been working out, she had been aggressively strength training. And she had decided that she was stronger than he was. Eventually, he got tired of being called out and lifted

her weight rack with all of her weights on it to make a point. And she was both flabbergasted and frustrated that for all of her training, she was nowhere near being able to do that. Today I have to, by telling a girl she needs to see a doctor. This was about three years back, and it hit me like a truck while I was watching TV today. I met this girl at a camping event, and we hit it off pretty well. I was pretty religious at the time, and I took that whole no sex before marriage ruled a heart. Dating wasn't allowed in my family until you hit 18 18 and I was 17 at the time. The reason why I'm saying this is to explain why I was super dense and I didn't notice

any of the hints back to the story. We hit it off at camping and by the end of the trip she asked for my Instagram to which I replied I don't use Instagram so she asked for my Snapchat. I said I don't have Snapchat either, and finally she asked, what do you use? And I told her Facebook. You'd think that her going out of her way to add me on a platform that she hasn't used in years would be a hint, but nope. My stupid self just thought, at least she'll get to know how good Messenger is now. Fast forward about two weeks. We've been talking consistently for a while, and she's been subtly mentioning

all these ideal dating spots in the city. And all I could reply was, wow, looks like a great spot! Let me know how it is if you ever go there! At this point, she went for the Hail Mary. She sent me a picture of her thigh pointing out a mold she hasn't noticed before. I went into Diagnosis mode and told her, Google says it could be either a mole or cancer. She laughed thinking that I was joking. I wasn't and asked if I was free for a video call.

I answered the call and there she was, naked in an f-ing towel with the camera zooming into her cleavage. And she says, I noticed a mole right here too, as she points the camera right above her nipple and almost slips the towel. My dumb f*** responds, hey to break it to you but I'm not a doctor, if you're worried about it you should really have it checked out. The call ends it abruptly afterwards, and she stopped messaging me after that day for a week, then she blocked me.

I was dumbfounded and thought, if she really hates being my friend that much, then she should have at least had the decency to be upfront about it. Fast forward to today while I was sitting in my place watching some Netflix when out of nowhere, this flashback hits me like a truck carrying years worth of my obliviousness.

Ha, ha, ha, Opie, all I can think about while reading this post is how awful of a strategy this would be. Just like pull down your pants, turn around, spread your cheeks and be like, hey, does this look like hemorrhoids to you? Today I have to, by fixing my girlfriend's parents internet router, and now they think that I watch gay adult videos. My girlfriend's parents aren't very tech savvy, so she offered to help her die connect

to the router. She wanted to connect using the WPS button, but on this model router, it's also the reset button if you hold it. She managed to reset the router completely. Her mom was going off at her about it, so she rushed home to grab me, and I went to go fix it. Her mom gave me a little book of emails and grab me and I went to go fix it. Her mom gave me a little book of emails and passwords and I went through the setup steps by connecting to the ISP

and setting a Wi-Fi password. Everything seemed fine, so I went to test it in Google by doing the standard quick smash of keys and pressing enter. Woohoo, we're connected! The job is done! My girlfriend's mom then came around to my side of the table to grab the little book of emails and passwords again. She paused for a little while while looking at my laptop and there it was. One of the search results was, gig-fig-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-gif-g It was a pretty funny coincidence, but she just made the whole thing even more awkward. So, my soon-to-be-in-laws now think that I watched gay adult videos. Today I f'd up by almost killing a girl that I was trying to passionately hug. I was in college doing whatever usual stupid college stuff, but I was bored so I went on Tinder. I usually just use Tinder as a little dopamine machine and to say funny pick- pickup lines and see if they worked. I very rarely actually followed through a metup

with people from it. But that day I was feeling bold, so after matching with the girl and hitting her with what I'm sure was an incredibly stupid line, I invited her over to my dorm and to my surprise she said yes, she'd be there in two hours. So with my two hours to kill, I took a shower, made my bid for the first time in weeks, put my optimistically large box of condoms in an easy to reach spot, and made some effort to make my room look and smell like it wasn't inhabited by a cave troll. It was a small room, so by the time I was done, I still had about half an hour left on the clock. So I sat down to browse Netflix to find something to have on when she came in as background

noise and fall back if there was laps in conversation. I felt I was very well prepared, so I settled down to watch whatever show I had on and wait, innocently snacking on some trail mix without a second thought. So the girl shows up. We both know why we're there, and push through the awkward hellos and get to work. Luckily for me, she got to the point pretty fast. We start to kiss for a minute or two and she clears her throat a few times, but neither of us thank much of it and soldier on.

Then, after several throat clears of increasing intensity, she stops and coughs trying to apologize. As I lean back and look at her, I notice her face is quite red. I assume from embarrassment. So I tell her, it's okay, don't worry, take your time. But then I look closer, and her face isn't the only thing that's red. Her neck is too. And she's wheezing between coughs, and there's red spots on her chest. My stomach drops as I realize, this girl whose name I barely remember is having an allergic reaction to something and is about to die in my dorm room. So I ask her if

she's allergic to anything, and with the confusion on her face replaced with panic, she nods and chokes out, eh, peanuts. Oh no, it's the trail mix. My dumbass just went from nervously cramming fistfuls of nuts and raisins in my mouth to kissing a stranger to almost committing negligent homicide all in less than 30 minutes. Luckily, I have a mild allergy to a few fruits. They just make my mouth and nose itchy if I eat them, but my doctor gave me an epic pen a couple of years ago, just in case. So I dig out what is probably an expired syringe of epinephrine, stab it into this poor girl's thigh, and just like in the movies, her eyes go wide and she almost

immediately gasp out a big breath of air. Shocked that it actually worked, I also breathed that a little sigh of relief. But then, unlike the movies, I had to spend the next 4 hours not getting laid like I'd planned. But instead, driving this girl to the ER and sitting in a waiting room to bring her home. I'd love to end this story with a cute, and that's how I met my wife, Annick Dota, or something. But, understandably, she unmatched me before I even got home from dropping her off, and we never spoke again. So the moral of the story is, if you're gonna kiss a stranger, it's safer to do it on

an empty stomach At least now I can say that I'm a killer kisser. Well, O.P. you're planning on giving her your nut just Not the right type of nut that you originally envisioned. Today I have to buy and injecting my girlfriend with five doses of the COVID vaccine Quick background. I'm in my last year pharmacy school. I'm currently bouncing around doing rotations at different sites, hospitals, big farmer companies, retail stores, etc. This most recent rotation is in a grocery store pharmacy where things have gotten pretty hectic with the CDC giving the okay for everyone to get COVID booster shots, which also happens to coincide with flu shot season. I'm pretty much just sticking people with needles all day every day.

So my girlfriend needs her Pfizer booster shot for work, and she wants me to give it to her. Cute, right? I tell her I'd be happy to. On this particular day, for whatever reason, we can't drive to the pharmacy together because our schedules don't line up. I have an obligation in the morning, so I end up arriving to the pharmacy in the early afternoon and she arrives about 15 minutes after I do. On an average day, I'm usually the vaccine guy. I'm the guy who says hello at the window, update your vaccine card,

take your insurance stuff, make sure you wait 45 minutes, I promise I'm moving as fast as I can, and then give you the shot. So, I'm used to handling the whole process step by step at my own pace, being as organized as time allows. I like to set up my stuff in the morning before we open, get all the paperwork and order and have my ducks in a row before the day even starts. So I walk into the pharmacy in the early afternoon and it's absolute unbridled chaos. People are waiting for shots, knocking on the windows, and some lady poked her head under the plexiglass, and started asking me about my fax machine.

I'm already flustered as hell and off my game because I had Cheryl waiting, who's getting her second Moderna shot, pneumonia shot, and shingle shot, and also has three other medications that need to be filled. And then we have Dave, who brought his four kids for flu shots, and also his great aunt, who wants all three COVID shots at once. And she has a bruise on her left arm so she wants them in her butt. You get the point. The pharmacy is going to hell in a hand basket. 15 minutes later my girlfriend walks in for her Pfizer booster. I'm very happy to see her and I tell her she can do some grocery shopping while she waits for me to get her paperwork together. As I'm rummaging through her paperwork, one of my co-workers opens the fridge, unbeknownst to me,

pulls out an unopened vial of Pfizer vaccine and pops the cap. Some more background. The Pfizer COVID vaccine comes in multi-dose vials. There's a small amount of liquid in the vial, and you have to dilute it with normal saline before drawing up the vaccine into your syringe. Each vial has enough for five doses after dilution. Here's where I went wrong. I turn around to draw a pervacine into the syringe and I see the unopened Pfizer vial. My idiot self assumes that since the vial is opened with no cap and it has a very small

amount of liquid in it, then it must have been diluted with normal saline, used and there's only one more dose left. Again, with me being extremely insightful, I decide not to double check or confirm with anyone around me, which would have taken one and a half seconds. Of course, in reality, the vial just hadn't been diluted yet, which is why there was so little liquid inside. Everything else precedes as usual. I give my girlfriend a shot, kiss the boo-boo, as I do with everyone, for professionalism's sake. And I go back into the pharmacy. A few minutes later, my coworker asked me what happened to the new vile she just opened, and it begins to dawn on me that I may have just royally messed things

up. If you do the math, I had just given my girlfriend five full doses of the COVID vaccine. Five! I just injected this poor 105lb girl with enough vaccine juice to get her through COVID-20. She was still grocery shopping, so I ran over to her, trying to hide the fact that I was panicking and attempted to break the news in a somewhat non-panic-inducing way. Hey, so um, there was a bit of a dilution error on my part, and you may have received, uh, a bit more than intended. She honestly took her really well, she just said, okay, so what does this mean? I told her to expect a wee bit of arm-sornness and fatigue, and she just rolled away to finish shopping.

So meanwhile, I rushed back to the pharmacy and called Pfizer ASAP. Everything I've read, learned, and Googled has told me this isn't the huge deal in the world, and it's not life-threatening or anything. But I just wanted to cover my bases, call Pfizer, and see if this has happened before, and what the outcome was. After being transferred nine times, I got a drug representative on the line. Apparently in all the millions of Pfizer vaccines

distributed worldwide, me and some dude in New Zealand are the only effing idiots stupid enough to pull a stunt like this. According to the drug rep, severe arm soreness is really the only thing to watch out for. The rest of the day proceeded as usual, save for me being extremely shaken from the whole ordeal.

The pharmacist had to fill out an insinant report, which ironically I filled out for him since it was so busy. I realize it was probably going to turn out fine. But man, what if that was a different drug where the concentration did really matter? Literally, people can die from that type of thing. Or what if it was some random person instead of my girlfriend and they sued the company into the ground? So my girlfriend, the real victim of the story, got a very sore arm that night.

The next day, she felt like a train wreck and spent most of the day in bed. And you bet your butt that I was waiting on her hand over foot. I was popping into the bedroom every 20 minutes to see if she needed anything. And after a few hours of that, she told me to stop bothering her a little. She took it like a champ though. She was such a good sport about it. We joke that any virus just immediately dies upon entering a 20 foot radius of her. All things considered, the screw up turned out to be the best that it could be. Nobody sued the company, my girlfriend didn't make me sleep on the couch, and I didn't

get sent back to 10th grade science class to learn about liquid concentration. The silver lining is that, in the future, I'm going to think about the situation every time I'm working around vials. And hopefully, never make the same mistake again. Okay, I actually have a very similar story about my dog, Hugo. This happened right after I got my dog when he was just still a very young puppy. We were still kind of learning how to live with him

and like what his habits were. And my wife got this new medication and she put it like in the middle of a table. And based on Hugo's height at the time as a puppy, he absolutely should not have been able to jump up and get that bottle of medicine. But he did, much to our surprise. And at some point when we weren't looking,

Yugo ripped open the bottle of medicine and ate something like 30 pills. And when I found out about it, of course I was freaking out. I was thinking, God, this is a little puppy taking medicine designed for adult humans. And they just took 30 pills when the actual dose for humans is one pill. So at that moment, I thought to myself, okay, we just killed our dog with our negligence. So in a panic, we called up the vet. And in some miraculous twist, two things happen to be true.

One, the human medicine that my wife took happens to be the exact same medicine that you also give dogs. Secondly, due to some weird quirk of like human and dog biology, the dog dose was like 50 times higher than a human dose. So even though you go ahead literally eating like 30 of these pills in dog biology that equated to like point four doses of what you would give him if he had that same condition and he needed the medicine for it. So he was just totally fine. It was like not even an issue. He had no side effects, no symptoms. It would have been like if a person took half an aspirin. And like, yes, it was very deeply irresponsible of my wife and I to put the medicine on the table that was in his reach. We didn't know that it was in his reach.

And if you guys want to like criticize and bash on me for endangering our dog, then I understand that because man, we were really beating ourselves up for days afterwards because we completely dodged a bullet. But since then we've learned our lesson and we never ever ever put anything on the counters that could actually kill a dog and we lock it behind cabinets and we put it high high high up on a shelf that only humans can reach because God. One of those scares is enough for me things. I never want would have to go through something like that again because I really thought that our dog was going to die. That was our slash today I effed up, and if you liked this content, be sure to follow my

podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.