rSlash - r/TIFU by Almost Slicing My Balls Off

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

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These side marios all you can eat is all you can munch a soup salad and garlic homo Welcome to our slash today. I effed up where OP almost dies from slicing his ball sack Today I effed up by shaving my balls before flying about a year ago I was visiting my mom while she was working in Hawaii She's a flight attendant for some billionaire and has to stay in Hawaii for weeks on end. A colleague of hers was staying at the same hotel. We went to breakfast together, but since my flight was still pending, I left breakfast early to leave and get showered and packed.

My mom still wanted to talk with her colleagues, so I told her that I'd call her to come up to the room when I'm ready. While I was in Hawaii, I noticed that my balls were itchy because of my pubic hair. I didn't want to be uncomfortable for my 5 hour flight to California, so I showered, grabbed my razor, and shaved my balls. This isn't super unusual for me, but it doesn't happen all the time. As I was tallying off, I noticed a big red spot on the towel. I looked down to see blood streaming down my

leg. It freaked me out for a second until I saw that I nicked my ball sack. I thought, no big deal, I'll just put a tissue on it like I would for my face if I cut myself shaving. I was totally wrong. My nutsat continued to bleed liberally as I desperately tried to stop it, compressing it with a lot of toilet paper. It kept bleeding a lot. I found that pinching the skin, then putting a tissue on it seemed to be the way to go.

But when I stopped pinching in, the blood continued to flow uncontrollably. All I could do was stand in the bathroom with one hand to get ready, and the other pinching my ball sack so it wouldn't bleed everywhere. The entire time, I'm getting more and more desperate about the time because of my upcoming flight. So here I am in my mom's hotel room for her work trip, in a rush to catch my flight with an uncontrollably bleeding nut sack. My mom is still at breakfast with her colleague. I don't know what to do except to call her while she's still at breakfast and ask if she hasn't been band-aids. She asked me if I'm okay and instructed me to look in her

toiletry back. I said, of course I'm okay, but my mother, being the mother she is, continued to ask if everything was alright. I insisted that everything's fine and said that I'll be ready in 10 minutes. Meanwhile, I was pinching my nut sack which stopped the bleeding. But as I applied the bandage, the bleeding started again, completely soiling the bandage and continuing the flow of blood. At this point, I became desperate. For small cuts, I like to use superglue. Superglue was originally invented by the military and the Vietnam War after all.

I called my mom again, stupidly asking if she had any superglue in her bag, or if it was possible to ask the front desk if they had any. She sounded concerned and began asking me more questions. To cease the interrogation, I explained to her that there are certain moments in a man's life where he needs to make sure that he's comfortable, particularly before a 5 hour plane ride, and that I was slightly less than careful and between everything I'd made a mistake, and as a result I was bleeding and I needed either some super glue or more band aids.

My mom ended up coming to the room, she'd brought more band aids from the front desk, she suggested taking a maxi pad to line my underwear for the flight on top of the bandaid. I took her advice and it felt like wearing a front diaper. Luckily, at this point, pinching the part where I was bleeding from seemed to have slowed it down, and a big bandaid seemed to cover or slash absorb the blood when I stopped pinching it. I got to the airport, walked through uncomfortably, but without difficulty, checking every now and then that I wasn't bleeding to death.

My dad met me on the other side, we went to dinner and we had a laugh about it. But I still had to check to make sure that I wasn't bleeding. Thanks for taking care of me, mom. Love you. The top comment of this post asked the exact same question that I was wondering.

I wonder what showed up on the body scanner when you went through airport security. Today I f'd up by doing what my ex-wife said, ignoring an accident, and two people died. So this happened around 2008, and it's a memory that unfortunately won't go away in my life. It popped up again, unintentionally and unprovoked the other night, and it just doesn't sit right with me, and I'm always left with regret and remorse. So the year was 2008 or so. I tried googling the news headlines to corroborate my claim, but I'm not very good with that sort of advanced search.

My then wife at the time is not really a good person at heart. She was a Karen in training and very self-centered. We were hitting up the 101 in California for her cousins wedding one weekend. I want to say that it was around Salinas before the exit to head west to Monterey when an accident happened. I saw a helicopter about 100 yards on our right take off from the fields and I washed it about 50 feet in the air. Not too high for a helicopter about 100 yards on our right take off from the fields and I watched it about 50 feet in the air. Not too high for a helicopter but enough to be low for a helicopter. I saw it hovering there and then I saw the propellers for a second, quite visibly,

which caught my attention because you should honestly never be able to see them when they're airborne. So now I'm paying attention to the helicopter and I watch smoke come out of its engines. Then it just stops and plummets to the ground like a rock. I saw it happen, pointed it out and started to pull over to the shoulder to help and she yelled at me, what are you doing? I'm pulling over to help. What are you gonna do? I've got a fire extinguisher in the car. I can go put out the flames and try to pull them out. You're not a marine anymore. You can't just go running off saving people.

But they could be hurt and I see smoke everywhere. No, we're gonna be late to the wedding. Let someone else deal with it. So, away we went. I found out later from the news that the two people died inside from the fire before emergency services got there. The worst part is that when we finally arrived to our cousins wedding, we found out that

they deemed us unimportant enough for the actual ceremony, so it was the reception that we were hurrying to. I feel like those deaths are on me, and I should have done something. Opie, I can definitely understand where you're coming from with this, but realistically, I don't know what your fire extinguisher would have done against a helicopter fire. Do helicopters use special fuel? Are they just normal gasoline?

It's gotta be. Okay, aviation kerosene. Yeah, man, I don't know what a winky, dinky fire extinguisher is gonna do against aviation kerosene, but if you had gone to the crash site, you probably would have gotten hurt yourself, or more likely just been forced to stand by and watch those people burn to death. Sure, yeah, it is possible that you could have helped him, but more than likely it would

have just added to your trauma if you'd been there. I will say though that it's a relief that your wife is now your ex-wife. She sounds like a horrible human being. This holiday season, let's switch Shalei to the cooking so you can enjoy spending time with those you love. Their iconic festive special includes the famous quarter chicken dinner. Now with cranberry sauce, stuffing, lindor chocolates, plus a scratch and wind card, where everyone's a winner.

Grab your loved ones and hurry to Swiss Chalet today. Visit Swisschalet.ca for contest details while supplies last. Metro links and cross links are reminding everyone to be careful. As Eglington Cross-town LRT train testing is in progress, please be alert, the trains can pass at any time on the tracks. Remember to follow all traffic signals. Be careful along our tracks and only make left turns where it's safe to do so. Be alert, be aware, and stay safe.

Today I f'd up by going on a date with a therapist. Last September, my ex-wife and I filed for divorce. We were separated. One of my best friends said that I should try dating. She's never led me astray before, so I said, screw it, why not? The first girl I match with on him seems nice. We talk for a few days since I'm on a business trip and we plan to go out when I get back. She's a therapist who works with neurodivergent kids. We chat a bit and all is good. We go in our first date after work

on a Tuesday. I pick her up at her place and go to my favorite pizza joint in her area. It starts a bit awkward as first dates do. She then tells me, I can't wait to tell you that I'm pregnant. Okay, weird. Maybe it's the nerves. It's important to understand that we've had no booze at this point. I think she's just nervous. A few minutes later, she's telling me about her parents who live near the Wisconsin-slash Minnesota border. For context, we're in Chicago.

Then, her parents just show up and sit down with us. So I'm against the wall of the booth with her dad sitting next to me. She's across from me. Her mom is next to her. Okay, I guess I'm paying for their meal too. Double date. Great. Her mom and dad tell me they've heard a lot about me, but how could they know anything about me? They talk about what it's like working for a vocational school. So I start freaking out as I've only said that I'm a school administrator, nothing more. I say the job is great, but I'm looking to go back to the middle school or elementary school next year. Her dad says

that she can't wait to have a son-in-law like me. The mom says that she can't wait to have me marry into the family, awkward. They were drinking so I gave them a pass. The awkward evening continues. We start leaving and I pick this girl up so I've also got to drop her off. My grandma raised a gentleman, you know? I figured I'd do that in dip. Nope. We get back and the parents park next to me.

They all invite me up. My mom said that she baked a great pumpkin pie earlier today. Well, shoot, I love me some pumpkin pie. I decide, screw it. Might as well get something out of this night. I had some pie. Truthfully, it was some of the best pumpkin pie I've ever had. I tried to leave, and they weren't really letting me leave by giving me more pie or starting

a new conversation topic. My best friend, the one who told me to start dating, calls me. I ask what's up. I took the call in the bathroom and she comes up with this plant that I'm gonna go pick up my friend Eddie with a flat tire. Great, I have an out. My date says that she needs to walk her dog. Fine.

Come with me and walk me down to my car. Her mom comes too. Her mom says it's nice to meet me and then she says, I'm so glad that my daughter found you. I didn't think that she'd be able to settle down since we've had her committed three times and then just walks away. What? I'm panicking now, sweating a bit.

I turn to get in my car and the chick is right there. She hugs me, tries to kiss me. She tells me, I love you, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Great, gotta go, you know, my friend needs help and all. I get in the car and I can see this chick in my rear view mirror and she's calling me. I pick up and she said, you didn't say that you love me. My best friend calls. Oops, hang on, important call, and I pick up. I tell my friend about this, and she's

laughing her butt off. I am horrified at this point, thinking that the headlights in my rearview mirror are her, so I start speeding for the highway. Because I'm speeding, I get pulled over. The cop asks me why I'm speeding speeding and I tell him everything. It takes a good 5-6 minutes to get him to understand. He notices that I have Wisconsin plates and all he says is, bro, never put your dick in crazy. Thanks bro Chacho. The cop feels sorry for me and escorts me to the highway. Great freedom. The chick text me. I tried a goaster, but I left out one important detail. I went to the date on a school night wearing spirit wear with my school logo. Once you know the name of my school, it's hard not to find the school because it's the only type of school like this in the country.

I go to my boss the next day and I tell him the situation. He says that I'm an effing idiot for wearing my work shirt. He laps his butt off about the whole situation and asks if I blocked her. Oh, that's a good idea. So I do it. And he tells me again that I'm an effing idiot for not thinking this through. Turns out, she figured out where I worked. She starts calling my desk, asking when we're going out again.

She leaves a message saying that she wants to be engaged by the time that she's 30, which, by the way, is literally next month for her. At this point, I'm freaking out! There's a security guard in the building, so I tell him what happened and I gave him her name. He told me that he'd take care of it if she came by, but also he told me to move my car to the back. This chick shows up at my school asking to see me. Security tells her that I don't work here. She gets noddy with the security guard and gets escorted out. She calls my desk phone, pleading with me to give her a chance. Then, she finds my sister and my best friend

through Facebook. She tells them that she's my soulmate and I tell them to block her. This chick was crazy! I got her to calm the F out when I told her that I'm going to report her for her assment to her licensing board. What's so funny about this post to me is that this lady presents OP with a parade of red flags, but she has pumpkin pie. And OP is like, hmm, I am in mortal danger because this person is insane, but I do like pumpkin pie. Today I f'd up by letting my kid watch prank YouTube videos, and it resulted in her ruining my cart ink. My 11 year old daughter likes to watch prank videos on YouTube.

I really don't care unless the videos include sexual stuff. A few weeks ago, she watched a video where some dudes filled a cart tank with food. Fast forward to last week. I was emptying some older gas into my cart tank with a funnel because I didn't want to run it through the lawnmower. My daughter thought that this was the perfect chance to pull a prank. When I was getting gas for the mower, my daughter poured cans of chili down the funnel. The next day, I was having trouble with the engine of my company car, so I had it towed to the company garage. They ended up charging me around

$3,000 to get it fixed. When I confronted her, she confessed, saying that she thought that it would be funny. I'm now going to put restrictions on her iPad so she can't watch this kind of stuff. Today I f'd up by accidentally deleting my university's entire database. So I'm a third year computer science student doing an internship to get some experience. Mostly I've been doing simple tech support and handling basic issues. My supervisor asked me to clean up some old files in one of the servers to free up space. He left for a meeting and I got to work. Now, I know my way around Linux and servers, so I thought this would be easy. As I was deleting old log files and backups, I accidentally typed

RM-RF-Astrix into the wrong directory. I instantly realized my mistake, but it was too late. I had just wiped every single file on the main database server. Panic set in. Five years of records, course materials, enrollment info, you name it, gone in 10 seconds of stupidity. I broke into a cold sweat. Paralyzed not knowing what to do. The server was redundant, so data could be restored from backups. But those servers were in the hands of another department. I had to confess to my supervisor about what just happened. He turned ghostly white, swore a bit, but then focused on contacting the backup admins

to start an emergency restoration. I spent the rest of the week helping get data back online and apologizing profusely. At the end of my internship, my supervisor said that I'd cause some of the most dramatic on-the-job experience he'd ever witnessed, but he appreciated how I owned up to my mistake and helped to fix it. While they'll be double-checking any commands I enter from now on, I'm so welcome again next turn. Lesson learned, be very careful when wielding powerful commands, especially on production servers. That was our slash today I F'd up, and if you liked this content, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.