rSlash - r/TIFU By Choking the Hot Girl in Class

Episode Date: March 27, 2022

r/TIFU In today's episode, OP is a Kung Fu student who also happens to be a bit on the older side. A much younger girl in her early 20s joins the class and the two get paired up for sparring. Their assignment is to practice choke-holds and escapes. OP manages to land a chokehold on his much younger and prettier opponent. As soon as he squeezes her neck... SHE MOANS! The entire class freezes and stares at OP and the hot girl. Get $90 off and a free gift at Sunbasket! Go to sunbasket.com/rslash - Enter the promocode "rslash" at checkout. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to R-Slashteday I F-Dop, where OP gets shot by his girlfriend on their first date. Today's episode is sponsored by Sunbasket. Because of COVID, I literally haven't gone to the grocery store in like two years. Obviously, because I don't want COVID to kill me, but also because I do voice work. So, I don't think my fans would really enjoy my content if I catch COVID and I have to record episodes like, welcome to our slash pro revenge. That's why I love, love, love services like Sun Basket. Sun Basket is a meal delivery service that delivers healthy meals straight to your door. They offer organic produce, sustainable seafoods and meats, and best of all, it's honestly

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Slash, r-slash, and enter the promo code r-slash at checkout. Today I f'd up by getting shot by my date. Okay, let me preface this by saying that I'm in the UK, so it was an air rifle within legal limits. So this was bad, but not as bad as it could have been across the pond. I'm a 22 year old guy, and I like to consider myself an experienced outdoorsman. I spend most of my childhood camping, and I still always try to go once a month minimum. Three years ago I bought myself an air rifle for target shooting. No animals have ever been harmed in my trips. Recently I started talking with Ellie, a 19 year old girl.

We really hit it off thanks to a shared love of nature, animals and scary stories. We'd plan to go on a hike for our first date. Then she found out that I have a rifle and instead She wanted to go shooting. Okay, fair enough. Fast forward to the day of. I picked her up We drove out to my usual spot and I get set up. I showed her the basics of firearm safety and we got to shooting and Important detail here. Ellie is an awful shot. About 90 minutes in I've got my camping stove set up and I'm making a brew. I suddenly need to answer the call of nature and ask Ellie to finish brewing up.

On my way back, I don't hear any shots, and I assume Ellie is making a brew, so obviously she won't have the rifle aimed down range. So I cut across the range to get back more quickly. It didn't occur to me that she was reloading. I make it up over the ridge onto the range just in time to hear a crack and a searing pain in my left shoulder. I dropped to the ground behind the ridge,

half expecting another shot, before I hear Ellie scream out and I get back up, making my way back to our spot. I'm trying my damnedest to do my best nonchalant, tis but a flesh wound face, despite the fact that I'm now badly bleeding with a 22 lead pellet in my shoulder. Ellie can't stop apologizing, and I'm trying to calm her down, but she's crying and convinced that she's going to prison. We pack up the equipment and I pack the wound with some cotton wool pads from her bag and hold it in place with some duct tape that I had in the glove box.

After a long and very awkward drive, we make it to the hospital and we head to the emergency room. We waited for about 20 minutes before I was seen to buy a doctor, got the pellet hole properly cleaned and the pellet removed. All the while, Ellie is being grilled by a nurse about just how this young man got shot. And I had to intervene when she mentioned reporting this to the cops, assuring her that this accident was my fault. Me and Ellie stay in the hospital for about an hour, eating junk from the vending machine and drinking god awful coffee before deciding that things didn't actually go that bad and set up another date. This time, with no weapons involved. This morning, I woke up to a 3,000 word essay from her about how

sorry she is, how much she enjoyed our time out, and how she's terrified that she ruined any chance of us working out. Well, OP, you can't blame the girl for shooting her shot, right? And I guess if you think about it, it is kind of fair, because normally when a girl goes on a date, she has to worry about the guy trying to shoot his loads at her. I say stick with her OP, give her another chance, because you have this ammunition, so to speak, for every single fight you're ever in for the rest of your life. I'm really sorry that I didn't load the dishwasher, babe. I guess my shoulder hurts when you shot me with a gun.

Look, look, I'm sorry that I pissed you off. I'll do whatever you want. Just don't shoot me again. Today I effed up by telling a woman on our first date that her pepper spray was useless. So this actually happened today, a few hours ago. So a friend set me up with this woman because she thought that we had similar hobbies and a similar dark humor.

We met today for the first time for coffee. We were actually having a good time, or at least I thought so. We clicked right away and we had a lot to talk and laugh about. After like an hour, she suggested that we pay for our drinks and go somewhere else for lunch, and I happily agreed. As we were about to pay for our drinks, she somewhere else for lunch, and I happily agreed. As we were about to pay for our drinks, she started searching her purse for her wallet, and she put various objects on the counter because she seemed to have a bit of a mess in her purse. One of those objects was

pepper spray. I casually mentioned after leaving the coffee. I'd consider getting a different pepper spray if you plan to defend yourself, that one is quite useless. For a bit of context, I used to test various pepper sprays and tear gas in the military. We were stupid and young, but it was also kind of thrilling, and the product she had was by far the worst and the weakest one we tested. I just recognized the bottle because it was so bad, and I thought that I should let her know that this is probably not the best option to go with. But she obviously doesn't know that, because, well, we just met an hour ago.

After this comment, our conversation kind of died, and she suddenly had a work emergency and had to go. It took me a few minutes until I realized that my comment was beyond creepy without any context. I am definitely not used to meeting new people. I hope I haven't traumatized her. Haha, Opie, I'm gonna be honest, I thought that was kind of a good joke. Especially since you said that you and your dating partner had the same darksons of humor,

so I thought you were making a dark joke. I didn't think that you were actually being literal. So I feel like if I were in her shoes and you made that joke, I would have assumed that you were trying to make a dark joke about being a pepper spray connoisseur. But it turns out you are actually a pepper spray connoisseur, which makes it even funnier. Of course, I will admit that as a guy, I'm coming at this from a slightly privileged position because I don't have to really worry about defending myself on a date, whereas she, a girl probably would have to worry about that

type of thing. So a joke like that probably wouldn't go over as well to a girl as it would to a guy, but to me OP, I thought it was pretty funny. Then even funnier that it wasn't a joke, you were actually being serious. Also I remember when I was really young, probably about 10, my little brother found my mom's pepper spray, and he was like, messing with it, and my mom said, don't play with that, it's pepper spray, you'll hurt yourself. And does anyone want to guess what happened next? Yes, within a matter of seconds, my brother had sprayed himself with pepper spray

and immediately started crying. Today, I have to up by telling my wife a fake fact to mess with her. This happened almost 15 years ago and it came back to bite me today, which is why it's a today I F'd up. My wife loves Christmas songs and she loves to sing them. 15 years ago we run a holiday car ride and she decided to pass the time by singing the Christmas song over and over again. And me being me, I decided to mess with her just to be funny. When she got to the part that goes, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, I blanched and I asked her why she was singing that song in an absolutely mortified voice. When she looked confused, I fained surprise that she was unaware

of her faux pas. And I told her that, like many Grims fairy tales, Christmas songs often have a dark past. And that Jack Frost was a name of a mental patient from the 20s who broke out of an asylum during a Christmas break and went around devouring faces, particularly noses to which he had acquired a taste for. She bought it, hook, line, and sinker. She was shocked, horrified that people would sing about it, and we talked about it for the duration of the ride, with Jack Frost antics growing darker and darker as the miles flew by. Fast forward to this morning, I'm in a good mood, it's super snowy, and I have to snow blow the driveway. As I'm getting dressed, I start singing the Christmas song, and she chastises me in

a teasing voice. I had no idea what she was talking about. She then confides that Jack Frost, the serial nose-biter, had forever ruined that song for her, and she can no longer stand listening to it. I laugh, and I explain that I was teasing that that day and I honestly didn't think that she believed me. She got mad, mad mad. Apparently that had been her go-to fact during the holidays.

And for the past 15 years, she shared this dark and gruesome tidbit with anyone who would listen. I guess a sea of confused and disbelieving looks and a flashback of people staring at her as if she were a nose-biter came back to haunt her as the lie she had been spreading for years came back in that moment of dawning comprehension. She's mad and a little hurt. And I'm apparently the king of lies who's never to be trusted again. Well OP I'm recording this in February, which means there's always hope to give her a nice Valentine's gift. Fun fact, did you know that the

symbol for Valentine's Day is a heart because ancient warriors used to rip out the hearts of their enemies and present them to their loved ones as a sign of affection? You should be sure to tell your wife that fact, OP. Today I f'd up by choking a girl in Kung Fu class. I recently turned 40 and after some encouragement from my teenage kid I got back into Kung Fu. It's been years since I did Kung Fu, but as my teenage son sees it, if I get back into shape and out of the basic class, then when he joins the adult class he'll be in the same class as me. Personally, I think he's waiting for an opportunity to fight his old man,

but hey, it's all in fun. So, I'm in this class for several weeks as a new guy, except a new student started this week. She's a petite, younger woman with a solid jab and a willingness to learn. There's a group of more experienced students on one side being trained by one of the black belts, and we're on the other side. Being that it's just me and her, we practice on each other. You know, like holdpads for each other, and it's been great. Today, we were doing practical escapes against different chokes. Now, I am twice this woman's size and I'm close to twice her age. So I was like, hey, if any of this makes you uncomfortable, please speak up. She says thanks and we proceed to choke each other for various defenses. Well, the last one was a straight-on two-handed choke. She makes a joke about how ridiculous

this pairing is, and I crack one back and then she attacked. I do the move, we reset, and it's her turn. I go on the attack and start the two-handed choke, but instead of doing the maneuver, she just closed her eyes and moaned. Everything stopped. She's beat red, I'm beat red, and the entire class is looking at a 40-year-old out-of-shave bald guy choking an obviously embarrassed and slightly aroused young woman in a weird and uncomfortable simulated violent way. I'm pretty sure that I'll need to find a new place to train, or at least

change the time that I go until I can wrap my head around this. Opie, I think you mean wrap your hands around this. Either way, the whole thing made me feel kind of gross. I'm super married, and it just made me feel kind of off. I'm gonna go die now. Today I effed up by making a bet with my 8 year old daughter. My kid is crazy about Minecraft and she has been since she was 5 years old. She's a great builder and she comes up with really interesting creations. But she stuck on consoles in her iPad and she's been making noises about wanting to mod her games for the past 18 months.

I keep telling her that she doesn't have access to mods, and she always replies with, well, buy me a computer. Well, two weeks ago we were talking about the gym class that she goes to where they do fun physical stuff for kids. It's a real gym with real gym instructors. She said they did the plank pose for 30 seconds as part of her class, and I stupidly said that if you can beat my plank time, I'd buy you a computer. Now, my best plank time is 2 minutes and 25 seconds, and my wife's time is 3 minute 15 seconds. So, the gym

instructor asked all the kids what their goals are this year. Just a general life thing, not really related specifically to physical fitness. Some stuff like read more, finish a certain game, etc. But my kid says to do a four minute plank. Well, the instructor suddenly had something he could work with, so he said, okay, let's do that. In my kid's bravado, she had forgotten the original bet was two minutes and 26 seconds or better. In doing so, she overshot it by a fair way and made it considerably harder for herself. By the end, she was a sweaty, crying mess. Her form had gone to hell, but it was definitely still a plank. The instructor yelled four minutes and she said, can I stop now?

Between tears and heavy breathing. She stopped at four minutes and she said, can I stop now? Between tears and heavy breathing. She stopped at four minutes eight seconds. So anyways, what's a good mid-level graphics card for Minecraft with some shaders? Too long didn't read. I made a stupid bet with my kid about buying her a PC if she beat my playing time. I lost and now I'm poor. Today I have to, by thinking that it's normal to shower with socks on. Growing up, we never really went on vacation or stayed anywhere

overnight other than in our own home, aside from the occasional camping trip. And I was always taught from a young age that when I took a shower, I had to put on my shower socks, which were basically these grippy socks that you get at the hospital. We had hooks on the wall to hang the socks on so they could dry off. Well, when I moved into my college dorm for the first time last month and went to take a shower, I asked my roommate where the sock hooks were. He looked at me confused, so I explained the hooks for putting your shower socks on so they can dry off.

He didn't believe me for some reason, so I showed him my shower socks and he nearly died laughing. Apparently, for the past 20 years of my life, it is not normal to wear socks in the shower. Dude, does that mean you've never washed your feet in 20 years? I'm not sure which is worse. Thinking that socks in the shower is worse. Thinking that Socks in the Shower is normal or of that. Today I F'd up by not logging out of Amazon. I'm a 41 year old man and I always use my wife's Amazon account when ordering because she has Amazon Prime. On Saturday, I ordered some computer parts and then left to go shopping. I usually always log off of

accounts like that because our kids already gave us an expensive lesson with mobile games. After I returned home, my wife kept giving me these weird looks the entire rest of the day. And in the evening, when we were alone, she asked me if I wanted to tell her something. Completely clueless, I just answered. No? Why? What's going on? That seemed to make her a bit angry and she

asked me why I ordered that stuff. I started to explain that I wouldn't upgrade my PC, but I was cut off in the middle of my explanation by her holding her phone in my face and saying, not the computer parts THIS! And I got to read a confirmation email about one set of butt plugs, two vibrators, one small, one big, one set of handcuffs and 50 milliliters of lube. She told me she already checked and it was ordered from us with no one else logged into her account. And so after a bit of arguing and a sudden realization, we got way too much information about how our 14 year old daughter planned to spend her Christmas money and

Our daughter got a very embarrassing lesson about confirmation emails That was our slash today I f'd up and if you liked this content be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.