rSlash - r/Tifu By Eating My Cat?

Episode Date: March 30, 2025

0:00 Intro 0:07 Vibrate 2:34 Relationships 6:01 Cheater 12:13 Post history 12:22 Cat smell 16:01 Comments Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today's episode is sponsored by Stitch Fix. I'm a straight dude and I'm very stereotypical in the sense that I do not like shopping. I hate to shop for clothes all the time, but the process can be so tedious. Lines, going to different stores, picking out clothes, but I don't know what I want. That's why I'm personally a big fan of Stitch Fix. With Stitch Fix, you simply have to go through a one-time quiz to give your size, style, and budget preferences. From there, a professional stylist who actually has a sense of taste in fashion, unlike me, will pick just for me pieces and send them to me and also send outfit recommendations and styling tips. I keep what I want and send back the rest. Easy peasy.

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With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at Fizz.ca. Welcome to rslash Today I F'd Up, where OP accidentally sends a bunch of vibrators

to her grandmother. Today I F'd Up by sending a vibrator to my grandmother. I bought a present for my grandmother from a website for her birthday. All went well. She got the present and was delighted with it. A few months later, I used the same website to order a vibrator, but it never arrived. I called customer support to complain and and they went over my order, including making sure that they had the correct address. It was then that I realized that I sent the vibrator to my grandmother, as her address had been saved as the default one from the previous order.

I called my grandmother to ask if she had received the package. She said yes she had, but she gave it to my dad because she thought that it was a toy for his cats that I had sent to her house by mistake. Now, I don't know if my grandmother honestly didn't know that this was a vibrator and really thought that it was a cat toy. I believe she really had no idea what it was. She grew up Catholic in a small southern town and wasn't exposed to much outside of her little world. So now, not only had I sent a vibrator to my grandmother, she had given it to my dad! I refused to call my dad. I was not ready to have that conversation. But about a week,

about a week later, I got the package from my dad that contained the vibrator. We never spoke of it. You would think this is the end of the story, but it's not. Remember when I called customer service to find out why I didn't get my package? They were very nice and sent out a replacement. Where did they send the replacement to? To my grandmother! I never told them to change the address. At this point, I was just too

embarrassed to ask anyone about it and tried to forget that it ever happened. Cut to Christmas. My dad came to visit. He told me he had something for me, so I went to the guest room with him. He hands me the package with a vibrator and says, please for the love of God, stop sending vibrators to your grandmother. I'm imagining your poor dad going to visit his mom, your grandmother, and he comes in and the grandmother is rubbing the dildo over her cat thinking it's a cat toy. And the dad's like, mom, what are you doing? Oh, look, this is a cat toy that my granddaughter sent to me. Isn't this sweet? Today, I f'd up by giving my youngest son advice on happy relationships

and causing my oldest son's girlfriend to dump him. First, I would like to say this actually happened on my youngest son's birthday, but today is the day that my oldest son confronted me, so here's what happened. After the cake and presents, my youngest son and I were chatting. He's a younger teenager, and now that my wife and I feel that he's old enough and mature enough, we gave him permission to begin dating. He wanted advice on his future relationships. His mom and I almost never fight, and apparently that

was noticeable enough that he asked about it. The conversation began by talking about learning to respect your partner. I can't remember everything I said, but here are some highlights. Always be ready and willing to say that you're sorry, even when you think that you're right. Never dismiss your girlfriend's feelings. They're valid even if you don't understand them. Communicate, communicate, communicate. If something's bothering you and you don't tell your significant other, you're only hurting yourself. There were a bunch of other pieces of advice I gave him, but that's the general gist. It wasn't all seriousness. We joked around a bit too. I told him this little bit of advice my dad told me a long time ago. You'll know when your girlfriend is completely comfortable around you when she's willing to fart in front of you. Don't marry her until that happens.

Sage advice, that is. Now, me and my youngest were sitting at my desk having this talk while he was picking out the video games he wanted to buy with his birthday money. My daughter and my oldest son's, now ex-girlfriendfriend were on the couch playing video games and listening to us. My daughter occasionally chimed in with her own comments. She's been dating a few years now and had her own bits of advice to give, though her comments were more about how to act on dates, places they can go, and stuff like that. My oldest son's girlfriend hardly spoke at all. In hindsight, that should have been a red flag. She's a talkative extrovert and also a very pleasant and generous young woman. Eventually, my oldest son came over and dropped off his gift for his little brother.

He and his girlfriend stuck around long enough for him to have some cake and then they left. At this point, I don't know exactly what happened. My daughter managed to get some details from my oldest son's now ex-girlfriend. I got some more from my oldest when's now ex-girlfriend. I got some more from my oldest when he came over to yell at me for breaking up his relationship. Long story short, my oldest wasn't being a good boyfriend. His girlfriend confronted him with some issues they'd been having. She felt like he didn't respect her opinions and feelings, and she dumped him. It's that simple.

I love all my children with every bit of my heart, even when they're mad at me and I admit I messed up. I am to blame for his breakup, but not because of what I said in front of his girlfriend. I messed up because I didn't drill the advice I gave my youngest into my oldest boy's head when he was younger. He wants me to post this on one of the Am I the Butthole subs, but I'm not going to do that. I admit that I could be a better father, and I can be a real butthole sometimes, but I'm pretty sure that even though I could have read the room, that wasn't the real problem. Hopefully, my oldest son learns from this. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself, OP,

because you seem like a decent, loving, caring person. And even if you didn't literally say the words, this is how to behave, it seems like you demonstrated how to behave by treating your wife with respect and loving your kids. So this seems more like your son screwed up than you screwed up, OP. Today I effed up by telling my girlfriend I knew she cheated on me. So flashback to undergrad. Things are good and I just started dating this beautiful girl that I had met in class. I was enamored with her, shocked that I loved her so fast, and amazed that she even wanted to date me.

The first months were amazing, we can't keep our hands off each other and never seemed to be sick of each other's company. After a few months into our relationship, I started to notice some concerning symptoms. As you can probably hypothesize, when I peed, it burned. At first, I just assumed that it must have been something weird with my diet. To be sure, I decided to stop taking creatine just in case. But as time went on, the burning became unbearable. I would literally be struggling to stand while I peed because the pain was so intense. After, I would literally lay in my bed in the fetal position until the pain subsided. It was bad. Well, at this point,

I was no longer convinced that my diet was causing the symptoms. No, it had to be what I thought unfathomable. My girlfriend must have cheated on me. I hadn't been with anyone else. I hadn't been with anyone else since I began pursuing her months before we became exclusive. I was shocked! Things seemed so perfect. She seems like such a good person. Where had I gone wrong?

The thought made my blood boil until I outright confronted her. I told her I knew she must have been unfaithful because of my symptoms, and I asked her if she had similar symptoms. She told me no. I demanded that she come with me to a clinic, that we both take a test and share our results. She said sure, and looking back at this, I feel like a complete dick. We agreed that we would go the next day. The same night I confronted my girlfriend, my roommate's girlfriend came over

to stay at our place. She was being nice and went to do some dishes for us. Around this time, my roommates and I had just moved into a new house. In the process, all our belongings got shuffled around. As she went to get some dishwashing pods, she exclaimed, Why are you guys washing your dishes with laundry detergent? I heard that and it all clicked. Oh my god, I've been pissing out bleach. I instantly felt ashamed and immediately apologized to my girlfriend. She took it really well, laughed at the situation, and we forgot about it. Sure enough, a few days later, after our dishes and cups were no longer saturated with bleach residue, my symptoms disappeared. Today I effed up by sleeping with my girlfriend, getting blackmailed into marriage, and had the worst honeymoon of my life.

I'm a 26 year old guy, and I come from a middle eastern country where intercourse before marriage is a huge deal. If you get caught, it could literally mean death. That doesn't mean people don't do it, but because of the cultural obsession with virginity, almost all of it is up the butt so it doesn't count. Yeah, I know, it's insane. A couple of years ago, I met this beautiful 26 year old woman online. We hit it off right away, had a ton in common and after a couple of weeks of talking, she

asked me out. Things were great, I made it official, went on dates and any chance we got, we fooled around. Always the loophole route of course. But we really wanted to go all the way. The problem? In my culture, once a woman loses we really wanted to go all the way. The problem? In my culture, once a woman loses her virginity, she's locked in. Either we get married or she has to go through an actual surgery to restore it.

I wasn't ready for marriage and I didn't want to trap her in that situation so I kept saying no. But she kept pushing, begging, telling me she didn't care. She just wanted me to be the first. I still resisted until one morning when she came over to my apartment super early, woke me up in a way that I couldn't resist and I gave in. We did it. Biggest mistake of my life. That day changed everything. Suddenly she became controlling as hell, picking fights over the dumbest things. Me seeing friends, visiting family, literally anything that didn't involve her.

I tolerated it for a while, but after a few months, I was exhausted. The final straw, I went to visit my family in another city for two nights. She lost her mind. When I told her I was done, she threatened to tell everyone what happened. And in my culture, that's not just petty revenge, it could ruin both our lives. For a whole year, I was stuck. Every time I tried to leave, the threats came back. Eventually I gave up and said, fine, let's get married and get this over with.

But even on the day our families were supposed to meet, she started losing her mind over some stupid fight, and the threat started again. That was it. I snapped. I called her family, called my family, and exposed everything. The fallout was nuclear. She was broken, but at that point, there was no way out. The shame was public, so we had to get

married. I figured, well, she has nothing left to hold over me. Maybe things will be different now. Wrong. We went to Bali for our terrible honeymoon, and it was the worst vacation of my life. She picked fights every single day. The moment we got back, after one last fight, I drove her straight to her parents house, called a lawyer, paid her some money to make things go away and ended the nightmare for good. The only good decision I made was putting my house under my mom's name before we got married so she couldn't try to claim it or to make the divorce harder.

And that's how one morning of weakness got me blackmailed into a marriage, forced me through the worst honeymoon ever and left me paying to escape. Moral of the story, never let your dick make decisions for you. I don't know what this culture is. I find it surprising that you have to be forced into a marriage but then you can just turn around and divorce afterwards. At that point it's like, what's the point? Why all the fuss about marriage if it's not even forever?

Also jeez. Someone went through OP's post history and noticed that four years ago he made a post titled How to Kill Without Getting Caught. OP must have really been going through it. Today I effed up by making my coworkers think that I was eating my deceased cat. I've been living in an English speaking country since I was 10. My accent is 95% gone and people who meet me generally don't realize that I'm not a native speaker.

But once in a while I'll mispronounce something or use a wrong word. Onto today's screw up. My cat died yesterday. She was my baby and I miss her very much and I can barely function without randomly bursting into tears. I took off work yesterday so I could grieve and bury her in my backyard under the bench that we used to sit on and watch the birds in the summers. I thought she would like that. My sister stopped by to console me and brought me a homemade meal. Despite it being delicious, I could barely eat it and saved it for later.

Today I had to go to work so I packed the rest of my dinner for lunch. When I came in, my eyes were puffy from crying and people were asking me what happened and I explained about my cat. During lunch, I was heating up my food and a woman I worked with asked me what I was having and I responded with, the remains from yesterday. She looked disgusted, but I thought, whatever, maybe she doesn't like to eat food from a previous day. A few hours later, I got called into HR and was told my colleagues would prefer I didn't eat house pets in the shared dining space. What the heck?

I was so confused. Then appalled. Why would anyone think that? I was going back to all the conversations I had that day and at no point did I say anything about eating pets. The HR lady let me go, but then a few hours later called both me and the woman who watched me heat up my lunch into the office. That's when it came out that I said I was heating up remains when I meant leftovers,

and my coworker assumed that meant I cooked my cat and was eating it due to some mental breakdown I was having. F my life. I do know what both words mean and that they're not interchangeable. I just wasn't thinking clearly. Despite my explanation, people are still giving me looks. Today I effed up by forgetting I had a prosthetic leg at hospital security. So this happened yesterday when I was taking my daughter to the hospital for a kidney checkup. I've been an amputee for over a decade, so you'd think I'd have the whole security thing down by now. But apparently, my brain just decided to take a vacation. I walk up to security,

toss my keys and phone into the bin on the conveyor, tell my daughter to go first, and then confidently stride through like I own the place. The security guard looks up. Stay back and try again. Weird, but okay. I step back and walk through again. Beep! Now I'm standing there, confused as hell, while the guard eyes me suspiciously. You got anything in your pocket? I slap my thighs trying to be helpful. Nope. He frowns. Any metal implants? Nope, I say, like a moron. Me and the guard just stare at each other. My daughter stares at me. The lady in line behind us stares at me. Then it finally hits me. Oh, right! I don't have a right leg. I start laughing like an idiot and lift my pant leg, showing

off my prosthetic. The security guard shakes his head like he's seen it all, and my daughter just looked like, yep, that's my dad. Long story short, I get the usual wand scan and pat down while my kid shakes her head in disappointment. Meanwhile, the lady behind me in line is absolutely losing it. In the comments, we have this post from Ozzed. I went to a doctor's once, my first time at the office. They asked about my family's medical history.

I told them, dad's side gets Alzheimer's, Mom's side Parkinson's. After about 20 seconds, oh but I'm adopted so I'm not too sure. That was r slash today I effed up and if you like this content be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.