rSlash - r/Tifu by Getting the Entire US Military High

Episode Date: April 27, 2025

0:00 Intro 0:09 Burning bush 6:03 Delivery 8:47 Comment 9:05 Accident 12:55 Flat soda 14:59 Comment Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Our next Reddit post is from DrDeepFingers. While overseas in the military, one of the things that we were charged with doing on a regular basis was disposing of insane amounts of illegal drugs. We usually were more concerned with the opium and poppy industry. However, a larger pot bust was enough to give us something to do. Typically, we would rate a compound and find a couple hundred pound sacks of ground marijuana. Enough pot for a lifetime! The pot fields grow wild out there. Football fields in size and 8 to 10 feet tall, sometimes taller.

It's grown in a way that corn has grown in the civilized world, with irrigation and pesticides. It's a remarkable sight. To clarify, I never touched the stuff overseas. Far too terrifying. They also mix pot with chicken poop and various other things, so there's another reason to steer clear. Anyways, usually we just covered a couple hundred pounds of ground pot in diesel fuel, lit it on fire,

and went home. It's far too risky to hang around and wait for it to burn. Well one day, while searching a suspected explosive manufacturing house, we happened upon a room that had seven or eight 100 pound bags of the sticky icky. If you know anything about pot, you know it's fluffy. 700 pounds was an absolute mountain! My mind reeled at how much money this would be worth back home. A literal fortune! This looked like the Hulk fell into a woodchipper.

A genius counterpart suggested that we bring Mount Kushimunjaro back to our base and burn it in our own burn pit rather than leaving it here. Well, that's a clever idea, I thought, relieved that we wouldn't have to risk getting ambushed with the biggest freaking smoke signal ever built. Ah, but ambushed we were. The bags were loaded into pickup trucks and driven back to the base, hastily sliced open and dumped into the burn pit. I ran the idea by our leadership and we had a thumbs up all around. The early effects weren't bad.

The smoke column went mostly straight up. However, as it grew in size, it lazily pushed itself in the direction of the nearest guard tower, Tower 3. Jokes went around as we awaited the results. Coughing could be heard immediately, and the private in Tower 3 called out to us, Hey, we need to… we need to do something… like now? I could hear the brain cells slowing with every word. This was a churchy type kid, having never been exposed to the

sticky. S-Sargeant, I'm high as shit! He yelled moments after. I panicked and sought a solution that would keep leadership out of it. Someone, relieve him! I'm a genius. Several individuals raced to take over Tower 3. We devised a plan for a 10 minute rotation until the wind subsided. How perfectly that column of smoke engulfed the tower was perplexing. Like a lazy potnado. Around this time, our fire really kicked up as the wind shifted and grew in intensity. Right in the direction of the command post and subsequently tower 2, several high ranking leaders came out, looking furious.

Who the hell approved of this? The first sergeant yelled. I believe you did. The CO responded. Well, where's the detail that brought this in? That would be us, First Sergeant. I pointed to me and a couple others. I thought back to the decision making process and realized that I had a ton of responsibility

in the matter. In fact, I was really worried. Abnormally concerned, I felt myself stammering over words, felt my heart begin to race, kept thinking, oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus, I'm gonna get caught. It was in that moment that I realized I was sketching. I was proper baked and not handling it well. I turned around and just sort of left the conversation. My leaders did not need to see me drool.

I hazily walked back towards Tower 3, Ground Zero, to find a dozen or so soldiers laying in each other's laps, goofing off and having a deep philosophical conversation about a bug's journey through life. Inert! I wrote Tower 3 off as combat ineffective and wandered towards Tower 2 to see if I could help. A big stupid smile on my face. They seemed to be in better shape, however they were arguing about how long each would

have to be in the tower. Apparently, the were arguing about how long each would have to be in the tower. Apparently, the concept of time was no longer a thing. I started to address the issue with a random sergeant in the area, but we got sidetracked in conversation about the effects of diesel fuel mixed with the pot. We theorized something stupid about how the diesel fuel had longer to soak in the smoke, and that that was causing the anger among the Tower 2 crew. I assumed the wind was completely dead now, as I remember the whole compound being covered in a light haze. At this point, I thought that it would be best to find a snack and wandered over to our dining tent to see what was up. Here I was reunited with half my

squad. Instead of relishing in the moment, there was a troubled cloud over our heads, and I could tell that we were all pretending to be perfectly fine. Minus a couple phantom giggles, we did a pretty good job getting through a meal. Although I was personally quite affected, I think someone put the fire out, and a few hours later it was business as usual. A lot of stories flew around for months about the leadership getting high and whatnot. I didn't personally see it. I came from ground zero, saw the leaders, and returned to ground zero where I belonged.

I theorized that my leaders took the same approach of handling it without involving their bosses. No repercussions followed. This post gives an entirely new meaning to the phrase, smoke the enemy out. Today I effed up by creating the most terrifying and embarrassing moment in my life. It's currently 1am. This happened about 20 minutes ago. I'm currently bawling my eyes out from humiliation and shock.

It all started when I, a 23-year-old woman, got home late from work. We had a meeting after the park was closed and didn't get home until 10pm. I'd take a shower and smoke my dab pen while drying my hair. I then proceeded to forget the next hour, so my hair was dry and I was playing Red Dead Online. I had just gotten comfy when I hear my cat Winnie make a strange meow. My cat only meows like this when she sees something outside. It's like a low yowl and not a cute meow. I pause the game and take my headphones off. She's meowing in the living room. She runs into the doorway to my bedroom and meows again. I follow her out into my living room which is only lit by a nightlight.

I see that my motion activated light is on outside. Winnie is looking through the blinds and meows again and again. The light goes off and then comes back on. I call my roommate, a 26 year old guy. He's at work and gets off in an hour. I am fried at this point and I'm thinking that I'm overreacting. Winnie Meows louder and longer, over and over. I'm freaking out and a shadow from my patio moves. A few seconds later, there's a knock on the door. I feel my heart in my ears. The heartbeats are really loud and everything's in slow motion. I am staring at the door for what seems like about 30 seconds, but was probably only two or three. I dart to my room, lock my door, and then was in my closet with a large knife.

I don't remember if I got the knife before or after the knocking. I am on the phone to police. My breath is incredibly shaky and raspy. I am having memories and images of my family and friends rushing through my head. Then I think of my parents and how I need to call them but I'm on the phone with 911 telling them info and location. I'm mentally preparing to kill someone or die. The 911 dispatcher was silent.

She said there were two officers close. Silence. I ask where they are. The dispatcher tells me they She said there were two officers close. Silence. I ask where they are. The dispatcher tells me they're turning into my apartment. I wait the most painful 30 seconds of my life. It seriously felt like 10 minutes. I hear voices at my front door. I hear the dispatcher's voice.

She asks, did you order delivery? Turns out, I forgot I ordered delivery and called the cops on my delivery driver for delivering my food. Down in the comments we have this reply from Yeah Whatever. If it makes you feel any better, I'm a 911 operator and I can tell you this happens all the time. I don't think a single night goes by without someone calling thinking someone is breaking in only to find out that it was a friend or a neighbor or, my favorite, a glass jar of chocolate milk exploding.

Today I effed up by becoming an accidental active school shooter. My relatively small high school held an unexpected live active shooter drill. It was the first time they'd ever done this. I don't know who developed this genius procedure. It actually makes no sense because of how they initiated it. We had once previously practiced what to do in the event maybe a week prior, kind of casually. The teachers were aware of the timing of this drill, but didn't tell us because the trauma would help us react better? No idea. In fact, I remember our teacher, and likely all others,

calling in at one point probably to check in that everybody was accounted for. However, it so happened that I was kicked out of class just prior to the announcement. My teacher was pretty flustered after a few minutes of me being a clown and just yelled at me to get out, but she was super frantic about me getting to the office immediately. Now I understand why. His mistake, but I played my part soon after. On my way to the office, I was taking my time of course. The lights went out as though the main breaker were flipped.

Just the way they all went out immediately. Emergency exit lights came on, and the principal over the intercom told all the teachers some code phrase, which basically initiated the lock up, lights out, cower in the corner procedure. I was truly in a WTF state. Here's where I screwed up. Now I'm the only dummy walking the hallways. Given the layout of the building, when I tell you it was dark, I mean you could hardly see your own hand dark, even with the small distant exit emergency light down the hall.

And it was completely silent now. It all happened in a matter of seconds. I can't say I was scared necessarily because we all knew that there'd be a live drill at some point. Still, given my aversion to our principal since I was in trouble a lot and not knowing what to do, I just ran following the wall with my hand back to my class and started banging on the door. I assumed my teacher knew what was happening and I didn't want to be in more trouble so I just yelled, Hey, let me in! The entire

class of 20 kids in the dark instantly screamed at the top of their lungs, which then caused the adjacent classroom, who was also in complete darkness, no windows on the side of the building, to also start screaming and panicking. This coalescence of fear became so loud that nobody knew what the hell was happening and the teachers were, of course, required to keep the door shut no matter what. Nor were they supposed to communicate with anyone outside their door till given the all clear as far as I can recall.

Again, this was not a very well thought out plan. Now, of course, my teacher must have called the office, but the message wasn't relayed properly and I'll never know what he told them. Because somebody came around the corner and in the loudest voice I'd heard in my life said GET ON THE GROUND! There was a police officer visiting the school to oversee the drill. So whether he was taking the opportunity to do his part in acting or he really thought that I somehow picked the worst possible day to

commit mass murder? I don't know. He didn't have his gun drawn, just his flashlight. He grabbed me up and took me to the office. The rest was a huge blur, but essentially I wasn't punished for that. But I did get extra flak for my classroom behavior given the context. There was an assembly held the same day where we were all apologized to for not running this drill knowingly first.

Parents were pissed. It was a whole thing. What was your school administration thinking? Kids already don't want to go to school as it is, and they want to add trauma on top of that? Today I effed up by drinking flat soda and accidentally probably poisoning myself. My partner always leaves a little bit of Coke Zero in his can after drinking it. And this is totally gross, but I love the taste of flat soda. So whenever I clean

up the empty cans, I'll take the last swig of whatever's left over. Really disgusting. I get it. Nobody's perfect. This is my flaw. Anywho, this morning I go to do this, as I always do, and I come to find out that my boyfriend had done a water test to test the ammonia, pH, nitrates, etc. of our aquarium salt water the night before. He had dumped the remnants of the test chemicals and salt water into his Coke Zero can, unbeknownst to me. I picked it up this morning and was like, oh man, score, there's a lot left in here, and geared up

to slurp it down. Slurp, slurp, slurp. Yes, I'm a disgusting human. Get over it. Of course, upon initial contact with this horrific concoction, I'd realized my grave error. I ended up spitting it out all over the living room and not long after My throat started to tingle. I mean really tingle. This is when the panic set in. I was alone My dogs just stared at me. This is how I die. What would the coroner think? I ended up calling poison control to ask them if I was dying and had to tell them that I'd accidentally consumed a mixture of aquarium water testing chemicals and salt water. This is harder to explain than one might think, especially when you think you might be actively

dying. At this point, my throat is pulsating and I can feel my pulse quickening. I know I'm probably imagining these problems, but I can't help pulse quickening. I know I'm probably imagining these problems, but I can't help it. After asking me several times, wait, you did what? The kind man at poison control told me to gargle with vinegar, monitor my symptoms, and to not consume aquarium saltwater test chemicals ever again. No kidding. Down in the comments, we have this story from Lexi Cats. When I was a kid, I nicked my sister's can of coke that she'd left on the bench and it was full of wasps. Turns out it's a perfect trap because they love sugar.

So just watch out. That was r slash today I effed up and if you like this content, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.