rSlash - r/TIFU by Hiring a "Woman of the Night"

Episode Date: July 16, 2023

0:00 Intro 0:06 Paying for lunch 2:51 Minecraft 4:28 Comment 4:38 Panic attack 8:18 Salmonella 10:33 Private info gone public 12:17 How I met my friends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, Max, we have a new spot for Sunwing vacations. Okay, Sunwing Cyber Monday deals up to 40% off. Hang on, I think we got the wrong script. Yeah, it's 40% off, what's the issue? 40% off Cyber Monday vacation deals? Yes, why do you keep repeating me? 40% off? Huh, just think about what you could do with all those savings. I know, in fact it's in the script. When you save more, you can do more.

For daily door crashing deals, visit your local travel agent, or... Welcome to R-Slash Today I F-Dub. Where OP ruins his life by hiring your prostitute. Today I F-Dub by going on a date with my friend. I went on a date with one of my friends, Sarah, who attends the same university as me. I've always known that Sarah had a thing for me, but I've always been reluctant to go on a date with one of my friends, Sarah, who attends the same university as me. I've always known that Sarah had a thing for me, but I've always been reluctant to go on a date with her, because I genuinely value our friendship, and I felt that putting romance there would just mess things up. About a week ago, I was hanging out with Sarah and our other mutual friend as they listened to me complain about my unfortunate dating history. This mutual friend then put out the idea

of a date between Sarah and I. He mainly did this just to make the room temporarily awkward, but it led to a conversation where I essentially asked Sarah for a date. For the days leading up to the date, Sarah and I became a lot more flirty, and I have to admit I was also excited for the date. Two days ago, picked Sarah up and we went to a fairly fancy restaurant. When the waiter came I ordered my food. Sarah then ordered basically three separate meals and I didn't know what to say or how to question why she ordered so much food. By the time I finished my food, she barely ate half of one plate and she then said that she actually wasn't hungry because she ate lunch right

before she left her place. I asked her why she ordered three meals, and she said that one is for her mom's dinner since she always wanted to try this restaurant out, and the other meals for her to eat with her mom during dinner. I then told her that it's nice that she's getting dinner for her mom. It's cute that she would do that, to which she responded, I should be thinking you since you're paying. I told her that I would pay for the date, but I definitely never agreed to paying for her mom and her extra dinner considering we only went out for lunch. The meal was expensive, but I would have been fine paying for her if she actually ate all three meals. Instead, it just all felt wrong to me. The rest of the date was ruined

for me. I was checked out for the rest of the date. I was just going through the motions. After I left her at her place, I went radio silent on her because I was still annoyed by what she did. Today, I wanted to just tell her that I think it's better that we go back to being friends. But as I opened our chat message, I read a message she had sent me shortly after our date. She was basically thanking me for the date, and then went on to pour out her feelings for me, and say that she's loved me for years, and the date was like a dream come true for her. I had to drive over to her place to try to tell her as gently as possible that the feelings

aren't mutual. Which resulted in her crying and screaming at me as to why I was flirting with her before the date and why I even asked her out to the date in the first place. I feel horrible. I don't know man, doesn't sound like you screwed up here, sounds like she screwed up. It's pretty entitled to order three meals for yourself and expect your date to pay. Today I effed up by introducing my boyfriend to Minecraft. I have a long-term partner and a boyfriend of over a year. My partner is on the asexual spectrum.

We're really good together, except for the bedroom. He was never this bad when we started, but his sex drive got lower and lower until we only did it a few times a year. This was causing resentment on my end and frustration from constantly asking on his end. So as a solution, we open the relationship for me. My boyfriend is really nice and he and my partner have become friends. My boyfriend and I take any opportunity we can to get intimate as we both live with other people. So either I go to his place when his roommate is away or he comes to mind when I'm alone. That brings us back to today, or should I say this past month? For my birthday,

I wanted to play Minecraft. My boyfriend didn't like the game. He made it clear that it's not his kind of game, and made it clear that he's not playing it because of us. The three of us started playing together. Since then, whenever me and my boyfriend had a loan time, we'd spend it playing Minecraft, and I didn't think too much about it. But then I started throwing hints, saying, we'll be back in two hours and playing bedroom songs, but my boyfriend still didn't come join me. At that point, I knew I screwed up. Basically, my boyfriend had become addicted to Minecraft, so now I have to take care of myself again. Currently, my boyfriend and my partner are downstairs playing Minecraft, and I've gone back to being in a relationship with my toys.

I effed up Reddit, I effed up. Love this top comment from Feel the Power. There are so many worse ways that a threesome can go wrong. You becoming the third wheel to your two boyfriends Minecraft sessions is Effing Hilarious. Today I effed up by hiring a prostitute. So after a tough year working in a remote area in the middle of nowhere, my friend asked me a 25 year old guy

to go with him on vacation for a week. I said, hell yeah, why not? So we went on vacation, visited multiple cities, and had a lot of fun. In one of those places, my friend told me that he knew of a prostitute through Snapchat map, and he had already met her in a previous city. I noticed that he had left the hotel one night and returned late. He said that she would travel to meet him, and she could bring a friend with her if I was interested. So following my motto, I said, why not?

And the next day, we met up with the girls and split up. I took the girl, who's two years older than me to my room. We chatted for a bit, kissed, then left around sunset to the coast, rented a boat and continued chatting. The girl wasn't what I expected. She was smart, intelligent, beautiful, and we shared a lot of things,

especially how we see things and think about people. She asked a lot of questions, and so did I, but she asked a question that I didn't expect and didn't want to answer because it was too deep. She said, you're a nice kind person, but something is wrong inside of you. Something dark in your heart. What is it? Can you talk about it?

As a man in my environment, the only thing you can do about your feelings is bottle them up and never talk about them. I knew there was something wrong with me, and I've been trying to feel that empty void in me for a long time, especially the last few years with a job that pays so well. Because we were in a boat, I couldn't run away from the answer. I tried avoiding the subject, but without any success, until I found a bathroom in the boat

and I excused myself. After the boat, we walked to the harbor, laughing, talking, eating some ice cream, until we reached the hotel and centered to take the bags into spend the night with me. My friend came to take his bags too and he gave me a condom. He's a good friend. He

winked at me and left. After that, she brought her stuff inside. She took a shower and we just sat and talked. She brought up that question again and really insisted on getting some answers. Finally, I gave up and started talking about my life, my family, and the struggles that I've been through since the first memory I can remember. I said things that I had never discussed with a human before. She understood but couldn't say a lot because she didn't expect that much trauma. So I kissed her and we ended up naked in the bed, put the condom on and before I could start doing my job, I started having something like a panic attack. My heart was beating quickly, my body was shivering, I just laid my head on her chest and stopped for a couple of minutes.

She tried to calm me down by massaging my back, whispering in my ear that everything would be okay, and I couldn't pick my head up. I just frozen that position. After a while, I managed to pull myself together, put on a robe, got back in the bed, we kissed, turned on the TV, and slept. In the morning, we ate breakfast together, I paid her, then I met up with my friend and traveled home. I haven't told anyone about this yet.

Usually, I don't trust anyone to tell them anything, especially about my feelings and struggles. I'm more depressed at the moment than usual, and I think I need to visit a psychologist, which I knew I should do ever since the pandemic. But I didn't want to do it, and now I think I have to give it a chance. Opie, um, the sounds like a pretty positive experience overall. I just have to say, normally when the girl is screaming deeper, deeper, they have something else in mind. But Opie's like, deeper, okay, well, I guess it all started when I was two.

Okay, Max, we have a new spot for Sunwing vacations. Okay, Sunwing Cyber Monday deals up to 40% off. I hang on, I think we got the wrong script. Yeah, it's 40% off, what's the issue? 40% off Cyber Monday vacation deals? Yes, why do you keep repeating me? 40% off? Huh, just think about what you could do with all those savings.

I know, in fact it's in the script, when you save more, you can do more. For daily door crashing deals, visit your local travel agent, or... It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a nice drink on Uber Eats, but iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice. Yes, we deliver those. Galtenders know, but chicken tenders, yes, because those are groceries, and we deliver those too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials, order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See out for details. Today I F'd up by buying a bong and giving myself Sal Manila. I'm a 19 year old woman and I started smoking a few months ago.

While I love being high, I hate smoking a joint because of how hot it is and it burns the back of my throat and leaves an awful taste. I tried Edibles, but I slept for 20 hours straight after eating only two of my 16 brownies, so I don't really want that. Therefore I thought that it'd be a great idea to buy a bong after talking to a stoner friend. I went out the next day, bought an acrylic bong and decided to use it. It blew my mind because the vapor was basically cold and I could really

feel the weed working instantly. I ended up getting much higher than I've ever been before. So I'm watching Hell's Kitchen and Gordon Ramsay is yelling at some guy for overcooking a steak and I'm really getting the munchies. I go to the fridge and look for a protein but all I have is chicken so I decide to cook that. When I took out the chicken, it wasn't the shape of a steak, so I smashed it with a pan to flatten it. You see, I like my steak medium rare, so when cooking my flattened chicken, I only cooked it for one and a half minutes on each side with salt and pepper. Thinking that I'd made a masterpiece, I cut it up into thick slices and served it with fries. I don't know if it was just the weed, but this raw chicken, which I didn't know was raw,

was the best chicken I've ever had in my life. It was perfectly warm, but so juicy. The next day I'm feeling a bit high and can't remember much of what happened last night, but otherwise I'm fine. Then all of a sudden, as I'm watching TV, I get mild stomach cramps, so I wonder what I ate last night, and everything comes back to me. I can't believe that I tried to cook a chicken like a steak, even if it was delicious. I didn't have any major symptoms for the rest of the day. However, in the middle of the night, I woke up and

realized that I pooped the bed. Also, I had changed the bedsheets a few nights earlier, so this was particularly disappointing. I had to replace my Egyptian cotton sheets because they were stained. This was hard to do because I was throwing up for the next two days. So I guess the moral of the story is to cook your chicken properly. Today I effed up by telling my entire college class what type of adult video I watch. This didn't happen today, but actually a few months ago during my anthropology class. So we get to the part of the semester where we're learning about human sexuality.

At the beginning of the lecture, the professor reminds us that we're all adults and he doesn't want any immaturity or giggling during the lesson. For much of the lecture, the room is silent aside from students asking and answering questions. The professor talks about a lot of passionate hugging stuff and it's met with complete maturity. At one point, the professor explains that a lot of kings are actually social taboos.

For example, he pulls up recent statistics from a popular adult website. The top 100 searches in the US, transgender-related searches were at the top of the list. At the same time, transphobic bills and hate crimes are at an all-time high in the US. Before moving on to the next slide, the professor takes a quick glance at the list and notices J.O.I. somewhere in the middle. The professor takes a quick glance at the list and notices J.O.I. somewhere in the middle. The professor says, I just noticed this. What the heck is J.O.I.? And me, I love to answer questions first when I know them, so I immediately raise my hand and say, jerk off instructions without thinking about how this would make me look. The silence finally breaks and the class buss

out laughing. Thankfully, the professor giggled a bit too and no one got in any trouble. Plus, he's chill. But, safe to say, I was very embarrassed. If the professor were funny, the follow-up joke would be at the end of class. For your homework assignment, make sure you follow the instructions carefully. Opie, don't get too excited. Today I f'd up by telling my girlfriend how I met my friends. A couple of nights ago, my girlfriend was supposed to meet my friends. I've been delaying the process for months because I knew that I had to have an uncomfortable conversation first. I met my friends at an orgy. My roommate at the time asked for

my permission to host an orgy at our apartment. I said yes, as long as my room and my belongings were off limits and the flat was clean properly afterwards. My plan was to spend the night at my mom's house and be out of everyone's way during the orgy, but my roommate encouraged me to stay and participate. I was still a virgin back then. The thought of sleeping with one person was overwhelming enough, let alone a group of people. However, my roommate eventually convinced me to take part. I was added to a group chat with all the people who are going to be involved in the orgy. All of them made me feel really comfortable. That being said, when the orgy finally happened, I was unable to passionately hug anyone. My anxiety won.

Everyone was understanding though. Life went on. My roommate became my ex-roommate after a few months, but we never stopped being friends. The connections I made with the people at that orgy also developed into friendships. We're still friends now. My girlfriend didn't know my history with them until earlier this week when I finally had the courage to explain the orgy story. She was shocked and disturbed, and asked if I'd lied to her about being a virgin when we

met. I said no, but she struggled to believe that a virgin guy would walk away from an orgy with his virginity still intact. My girlfriend made it clear that she was no longer interested in meeting my friends. She said that she didn't know how she could be in a relationship with someone who was friends with people who shared him. I asked my girlfriend if she was breaking up with me, and she said that she was going to need some time to decide what to do.

Last night, she decided, her relationship is over. Then OP posted an update. My mom and dad invited me to have dinner at their house a few nights ago. I was planning to tell them about the breakup during dinner, but I realized that it was too late when I showed up at their house. My parents were already informed. The dinner invitation was a smoke screen to confront me about the orgy. My ex-girlfriend apparently broke the news to my mom and dad soon after our relationship

came to an end. My parents knew about the orgy, the friends I made at the orgy, and why my girlfriend no longer wanted anything to do with me. It was an ambush or an intervention, I don't know, but it was awkward. My mom wanted me to make her believe that my ex-girlfriend lied and that I never participated in group intercourse. I confirmed what my ex-girlfriend said was true. My mom looked disturbed and asked if I got tested.

I assured her that I was clean and it's been almost a year since that orgy. My dad looked equally disturbed and asked if I was really friends with people who openly shared their bodies like that. I said yes and described them as good friends. I even told my dad that one of my friends who openly shared her body also openly shared her homemade lasagna that my dad enjoyed eating when he was sick. I asked my mom if she remembered the DJ with the tattoos that stepped in at the last minute at my sister's wedding because the original DJ dropped out. My mom said yes. I asked my mom if she remembered that DJ playing some of her favorite golden oldies like flash dance, what a feeling, and stand by me. My mom said yes. I asked my

mom if she could guess how it came to be that I knew that DJ. My mom said, oh, I told my parents not to worry about me and advise them to avoid communicating with my ex-girlfriend because whatever was happening between us was between us. Towards the end of the dinner, my mom and dad knew a lot more about my orgy friends and seemed less uncomfortable. I think once the shock of me being involved in an orgy faded away, my parents might be keen to meet my friends one day. Hopefully, that day never comes

lol. OP, in the first post you made, it was like, oh shoot, you lost your girlfriend, that sucks, that stinks. But then, after the second post, when we found out that she went behind your back to tell your parents about your sex life, okay, maybe you dodged a bullet here OP. That was our slash today I F'd up and if you liked this content be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.