rSlash - r/Tifu By Kidnapping A Penguin 🐧

Episode Date: May 2, 2021

r/Tifu Who knew that it's possible to just steal a penguin? Well, it turns out that it's easier than you might think. So easy, in fact, that a kid manages to get his hands on a baby penguin in a field trip, stuff the poor little guy into his backpack, and then sneak back onto the school bus. The other students told on the kid to a teacher, and the teacher didn't believe them! It wasn't until they actually showed the teacher that the kid stole a real life penguin that the teacher had to turn the school bus around so they could return the confused animal! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holt Renfrew is sharing joy for the holidays with gifts for everyone on your list, and maybe even a special treat for yourself, too. Discover the new collection for Burberry by Daniel Lee. Add some ambiance with Louis V. Home. Give Gorpkora try and Solomon Sneakers, and so much more. Whatever presence you pick, we know they're going to love them. Visit a store today or shop at HoltRenfrew.com. Welcome to R-Slash, a podcast where I read the best post from a cross-reddit.

Today's subreddit is R-Slash Today I F-Dub, where OP accidentally steals a baby. Today I F-Dub by kidnapping a toddler. I'm a mother of three going shopping with my husband and kids. My youngest kid was sitting in the shopping going shopping with my husband and kids. My youngest kid was sitting in the shopping cart, and my two older kids were behaving well for ones, and weren't running around being a nuisance to me and to everyone else. I spot the things I wanted on his shelf, let go of the cart, and start to rummage to the shelves.

My two older kids get distracted by some cereal they want, and then start to roam around a bit. When I found the item I was looking for, I turned around, grabbed the card and went down the lane. My husband trailed after. After two or three more aisles, I suddenly realized that my husband is pushing the cart with our youngest kid in it. I looked down on my own cart, and a completely unknown toddler looks up at me looking a bit bewildered. I must have moved a bit when looking through their products and taken the wrong cart when I finally turned around. We backtracked our way to meet the frantic mother who luckily was understanding, saying that she had almost in the same thing on another occasion.

So my kidnapping career was short and had a happy ending, but I still cringe when I think about it. Down in the comments, we have this story from Padsley. My mom did this once as a teacher on a school trip. The class was misbehaving, so she corralled them and yelled at them for a while. When she was done, a small voice piped up saying, but I'm not one of yours. Then a teacher from another school turned up and thanked my mom profusely for finding the lost kid and looking after him. It's not quite as funny as the kid who stole a penguin, though. And then someone else replies,

how can you drop something like this and then not elaborate? I must know more about this stolen penguin. And luckily OP replies, and for clarity on this answer, penguin is a brand of chocolate bar in the UK. A teacher took her class to the zoo. On the bus on the way home, a kid comes up to the teacher and says, Ms. Teacher, Johnny's got a penguin." The teacher says, tell him to eat it before it melts. The kid explains, no, an actual penguin with flippers and a beak. The teacher goes to look and finds a very confused small... The teacher goes to look and finds a very confused small penguin in a duffle bag. The kid had just scooped it up when it walked along the ledge at the side of a penguin

pond. Cue the bus having to turn around and a very awkward teacher sideling up the zoo entrance going, Uh, I believe this belongs to you. If stealing a penguin is so easy that a literal kid can do it, then I can't believe that people don't steal penguins more often. Today I effed up by making doctors think that I was a drug mule. This happened last night.

My wife wasn't feeling well, and I was tasked to make dinner. I made a nice pentepasta with sausage, which I inhaled. It was delicious. Right after dinner, I started to have horrible lower back pain. To the point of writhing on the ground with incredible nausea, which only got worse and worse. At this point, I had a feeling that it was another kidney stone because I'd had them in the past. My wife drives me to the hospital and I limp in an excruciating

pain. I check in, the nurse gets my vitals, and then I wait here for them to take me back to get a CT. At which point, I start vomiting from the nausea and the lobby in front of everybody, and then I fell to the ground because it hurt so bad. Imagine a hot, serrated knife in your back, combined with the feeling of having your testicles in a bice. They finally got me to an ER room, and the nurse practitioner that was on came and confirmed my suspicions. It was a kidney stone, but it was stuck in my mid-to-lept irritor.

For reference, the human irritor is about 5mm in diameter, and this stone was about 4.5 to 5mm in diameter. The nurse left to go order my meds. The nurse and the nursing student came in, and I got an ibicatheter placed anti-naugin pain meds, which helped bring my pain down from a 10 to about an 8. About 20 minutes later the pain finally went away, completely away. So we all speculated that the stone pushed its way through and finally dropped to my bladder. Now here's where the screw up happened. When the nurse practitioner came back in she had a very concerned look on her face. There are some concerning things on your CT scan, and I'm just gonna come right in and

ask you, do you do drugs? I told her no, I don't, and she asked me when I ate last. I replied that I ate about an hour before coming to the hospital and that I made Pineposta. She stared at me in disbelief. I came to find out that the radiologist at Red My CT scan was concerned that I might be a drug mule. Apparently, if you don't chew your pine pasta all the way, the shapes and gas patterns they produce look very similar to a bag of drugs. I told the nurse that I wasn't a drug mule, but rather a pine mule, to which she starts cracking

up. She left the room laughing, and I could hear my nurse and a few other nurses start to crack up. The nurse came back and said that she had to tell the radiologist that it was in fact pasta and not drugs. The radiologist also started cracking up laughing. All in all, I was able to urinate after the pain went away. I didn't have a fever and there was no bacteria in my urine. So once the stone finally left my uritor, I wasn't in pain anymore so I got to go home. The nurse practitioner even joked about putting, make sure you chew your food thoroughly on my discharge instructions. And OP includes a screenshot of his CT scan with the penne-in question. For those of you who are listening and not watching, it kind of looks

like a bowl of SpaghettiOs. You know, like regularly shaped O's it kind of looks like a bowl of spaghetti-os, you know, like regularly shaped oes just kind of hanging out in this guy's organs. Maybe they're closer to Cheerios, except not all the oes are the same size. Today I f'd up by slapping a lady's butt. This is truly the most horrifying thing that I've ever experienced. I've been stabbed before and I have fond memories of that day than this one. So I went shopping with my girlfriend earlier in Asta. We split up shortly after entering so she could get her vegetables and couscous and I could get my energy drinks and mozzarella sticks.

My girlfriend then completely disappeared into thin air. I then spent ages, about 10 minutes, looking for going up and down the center aisle trying to spot her. After much stress and almost resorting to asking the staff to call her over the loudspeaker, I spot her with her distinctive red hair and green patch jacket. She was browsing the frozen section it seems. She has her back to me, but no matter. I seized the opportunity while I had time to strike.

It was relatively quiet, so I snuck up behind her and got a nice firm smack on the button said. Hey, you almost done shopping f***ing nuggets? I mean, there was a full-on equity connection. That sounds still haunts me. Then this woman who is most definitely not my girlfriend turns around looks at me in absolute shock and just says, can I help you?

After much babbling, sweating, and almost messing my pants, I explain the situation to her and she proceeds to explain it to the manager, which I don't blame her for. After finding my girlfriend, I argued my case with the manager that they're both the same height, have very similar clothes, and the same hairstyle and color. He argued that they had different shoes on. I apologize profusely to the poor woman, and she seemed to take it very well apart from the initial panic of a random stranger doing what I did. I've been struggling to sleep because I can't stop thinking about it, and how I want to

tear my own face off. I've made many, many, scrupes in my life, but oh my god, I think this one will top the list. I'm so sorry as the lady. Down in the comments, we have this story from Disco Stud. This happened to me once, but I was on the receiving end of a full on double handed butt squeeze. Some girl thought that I was her boyfriend in the mall. By random coincidence, it turns out that I was her lab instructor. The next class was a little awkward. WholeTrendFrew is sharing joy for the holidays with gifts for everyone on your list, and maybe even a special treat for yourself, too.

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Learn more at Mazda.ca Today I have to, by creating my own security question, a few years ago, I set up a new account with a credit union. Websites usually give you a generic boring security question to pick from, like, what's your mother's maiden name? This was the first time that a website allowed me to type my own security question and answer. I excitedly jumped at this opportunity. In retrospect, I don't know why I did this, but I thought that it would be funny to make

my security question a joke instead of a serious question. I didn't write it down and I promptly forgot about it. Fast forward today when I had a banking issue and I had to call my credit union for assistance. A mail customer service representative gets on the line and says, okay, I just need to verify your identity. What's the last four digits of your social security number? I give him my number. He says, okay, then he pauses.

It was a long pause. And then he asked me if I know my security question. Did I select what your mother's maiden name? Him. He clears his throat and tries to force his most flat professional tone saying, um, your security question is, who would make love to me? Oh no, I laugh embarrassed. I'm mortified.

My stream of consciousness goes like this. Why did I type the security question and then not remember what I typed? Did I type a secret fantasy as my answer? Shoot! I don't want to guess the wrong answer and embarrass myself even more. What is this guy staring at on his screen? I searched my memory, hoping to move past this moment as quickly as possible. Maybe it was a girl that I was interested in at the time, or a celebrity that I had a crush on, but nothing stuck out my memory. I said, oh man, why did I put

that as my security question, and then I laughed nervously. I said, I guess I never thought that I'd have to say it over the phone. Is there another way that we can verify my identity? Yeah, I can ask you other questions. We go through the whole process and he helps me with my original issue and then he tells me, you can either keep your old security question or create a new one, which would you like to do? It's killing me not knowing how horrible or weird my security answer was, so I ask him, wait, so can you tell me what my old security answer was? Yes.

Hahaha. Hahaha. What was it? No one in all lower case. Then down in the comments, we have this story from Zarathusta. I used to work phone lines and my company used to allow people to set their own security questions and answers. I had some great ones, but the best was a guy in his wife calling in on speaker phone. I could tell they were jovial southern types, so we built up a good rapport before going

to authentication, so I didn't feel too awkward asking, who's the biggest b-word in the world. The guy starts dying laughing while she is absolutely silent for about 30 seconds. This guy is clearly rolling on the floor about ready to piss himself, and she says in a very restrained tone, we got divorced and just got back together. Yes, his wife's name was the answer. Today I effed up by accidentally attending an underage party like a creep. I was 25 years old, hitting to a 21st birthday party for a girl from university at her house.

She was living with her parents. It was really far from my house, and I knew which street it was on, so I just left home and when I got to the street, I realized that I didn't know the number and I didn't have the invite. I messaged one of my friends to find out the address, but he didn't have the address either. There were only about 40 houses on the street, and it was pretty quiet, so I figured I'd just have a stroll and listen for music in a busy house.

I stroll up to the only house with any music playing as a 25-year-old guy with a bottle of happy birthday vodka in one hand and knock on the door. When a woman answers the door, I say, hi, I'm OP, I'm a friend of steps here for the birthday. The mom looks at me a bit confused, but pleasantly welcomes me in and walks me through the house, past a group of roughly 15-year-old kids with the family eyeing me uncertainly. I start thinking, maybe that's just the younger cousins and the main party is out back. She takes me further through the house to her other daughter's room, who coincidentally is named Steph.

She says, Steph, your friend is here. As I round the corner into the doorway, I look at this 17 or 18 year old girl and my face drops. I don't know you, I say awkwardly. Then I look at the mom, desperately hoping that I haven't just become the biggest creep on the planet, bringing vodka to a 15 year old kid's birthday party as a guy in my mid 20s. Fortunately, I explained who I was and who I was looking for, and this lovely woman walked me down the street to the house that I was meant to be at because she knew the family. I apologize profusely again, and I think

to her for helping her understanding. You know, as improbable as this sounds, I actually had something similar happen to me. Back when I was a young kid, like I don't know, as improbable as this sounds, I actually had something similar happen to me. Back when I was a young kid, like I don't know, maybe 11 years old, I had the bright idea to try out print calling. So I grabbed the phone, dialed a random number, and of course because I was 11, I didn't really have a game plan, so some guy answered the phone. And me, just… And me, not really knowing what to say, because I hadn't thought up a joke I just said

uh is Rebecca there and this guy on the phone said yeah sure one sec I'll go get her. And then just instantly in a panic I hung up the phone and that was the last time I ever prank called. It's like honestly what are the odds? Today I have to up when I forgot that I had a twin sister. So my twin sister and I live in the same city and have very similar jobs. She's a user experience researcher and I'm a user experience designer. One day I was out shopping at a grocery store and I noticed a man that I'd never met before looking at me and smiling. I started

to get creeped out, returned his gaze with a glare and hurried through my shopping. When I got to the checkout line, he hurried over to be in the same line as me, and I really started to get freaked out. Finally, while I was walking out to my car, he rushed out to me, and at this point, I'm shook. I pull out my pepper spray, pointed at him and shout, F off, dude! With absolute horror and fear on his face, he said, whoa, I just wanted to say hi. It's been a while, and I was wondering how work was going.

Confused and freaked out, all I could muster was. What? I wanted to ask how the user experience research education program is going. I really enjoyed that presentation you gave to my team, and I just wanted to say that we're starting to do unmoderated AB tests. I had given research presentations to engineering teams at my company before, so I started to think that he worked at my company.

I said, oh my god, do you work at company X? He looked helpless. No? Wait, did you leave company Y? And company Y is the company that my sister works at. Then it dawned on me. I would have been embarrassed if it weren't for the immediate sense of relief I felt when I realized this man wasn't trying to wear my skin.

I lowered my pepper spray arm tan and said, Oh my God, I am so sorry. You must know my twin sister, I am so sorry. Wait, you're a twin? He looked shocked and relieved. We both ended up laughing and he apologized for his aggressive behavior. I apologize on behalf of my twin who failed to mention that I existed. Though in her defense and my own, it's really hard to work into a professional conversation.

By the way, I have a twin sister that looks just like me and doesn't work very far from here. If you think you see me out and about, be cautious. It may be my twin sister and she will pepper spray you. Down in the comments, we have this story from chaotic day. My twin and I each had two jobs in high school. At the end of one day, a guy came into the restaurant where I worked and was like, how many jobs do you have? This guy had seen each of us head both of our jobs that day. That was our slash today I have to up. And if you like this content,

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