rSlash - r/TIFU by Obliterating my Wife's Fish

Episode Date: March 6, 2022

r/TIFU Today's episode is a wild one... It's a story about how OP obliterated his wife's pet fish. Yes, the story really is as ridiculous as it sounds. The family fish was dying, and OP's wife asked him to put it out of its misery. Does OP give the fish a dignified end? No, of course not! He tries to Thanos snap the fish out of existence by smashing it into a million pieces. Now the beloved fish is reduced to goo and OP's poor wife is sobbing due to emotional trauma. Get $10 in free Bitcoin at Coinbase.com/rslash Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to R-slash Today I F'd Up, where OP destroys a fish. Today I F'd Up by obliterating my wife's fish. This happened last night. My wife's 8-year-old, very large goldfish was passing away. He had dropsy, he was suffering, and he was on the verge of death. My wife and I looked into the symptoms, and there was practically no hope of him making a recovery, so she asked me. So, she asked me to euthanize him. Looking into methods, it seemed pretty much agreed upon that the most effective and quick way to euthanize a fish?

Was blunt forest trauma. Now when I was a kid, my family was huge anglers, and I was designated as the fish killer when it was time to cook them. Back then, I was told to slam them on the ground as hard as I could. Well, my eight-year-old body wasn't strong enough to kill them instantaneously, so I had to do it multiple times. Honestly, it kinda screwed me up a little. Flash forward to last night, I didn't want that happening again, and I wanted it to be

painless. I asked my wife to leave the room because she was very upset, and I chose to do the deed by putting the fish in a plastic grocery bag and slamming it on the counter as hard as I possibly could. The poor fish was absolutely obliterated. The force ripped open the bag and sprayed bits of what used to be goldfish in every direction. I told my wife to stay upstairs and she started getting suspicious so she came down after five minutes and her goldfish still just everywhere.

On the counter, on the stove, on the fridge, on the freaking Christmas tree we still have hung up. I was still finding pieces of goldfish this morning. My wife was a guest and traumatized. She cried until she went to bed. Oh God OP. So when I read the title, today I f to, by obliterating my wife's fish, I read that.

And what I thought you were doing was using some sort of really crude slang for your wife's private parts because lots of T-Foo posts are like really vulgar and sexual. So people would be a little bit subtle when they name their T-Foo posts. So what I assumed this post was gonna be, was gonna be about was you were doing some sort of sexy

play with your wife. You went a little bit too rough, you injured your wife, and that's what the post was gonna be about. But then when I found out that no, you're not talking about your wife's private parts, it's actually your fish. I instantly had this like image in my head of you putting your arm around your crying wipe

who's sobbing because she lost his beloved pet and you're like, don't worry, sweetie, I'll take care of it. Bam! Bam! Bam! And the wife is just weeping, crying so hard and you're like, oh, don't worry, sweetie. I'm sure he passed away quickly. Slam!

Stop! Spike it into a ground like a football! take a blowtorch to it, baseball bat obliterate that fish. And I started laughing because this like surprising mental image that appeared in my brain, I thought to myself, this is a funny image and it's making me laugh, but there's no way the story is actually going to be like that. But then no OP, you surprise me because that's exactly what the story is about. Your poor, sweet, innocent wife has just lost her beloved pet. And what do you do? You vaporize the poor thing like Babe Ruth swinging for the fences.

And to make matters worse, the poor fish was dying. He was sick. So he's swimming around in his safe, comfortable, little fish bowl. Then you pick him up, put him in some plastic bag, like you're some assassin putting a plastic bag over someone's face. And then just slam into the counter, like the fish owes you money or something. Oh my god OP. This comment from Spoonie Johnson to Balhalla.

To Balhalla friend smashes the absolute f*** out of you. Today I effed up when I pulled a deaf woman over for speeding and asked to see her private parts. Well for starters, this happened several years ago when I was a young police officer in a college town in the south. I'm retired now. To set this up, our department had been teaching us American Sign Language to help officers serve the public. I was all about learning Sign Language and I picked them up pretty quickly, or so I thought. Well, one night in the summer,

I'm on traffic enforcement looking for drunk drivers, and at about 1 a.m. I stopped a car for speeding. As I approached the car, I can see that a young and very pretty co-ed was driving. I start talking to her, but she indicates that she's deaf. Now, I still had all that American sign language for police officers class from a week ago, freshen my mind, and I think to myself, great, I get to use this new talent in the field. I indicate that I can sign, and she smiles. So far so good. Now, I need to add that I was nervous since this was the first time I'd use this on the street and she was very pretty. I then signed that I needed to see her driver's license. A look of terror crossed her face and warning bells were going off in my mind. I was thinking, what have I stumbled upon? I've dealt with people that didn't have a license, were dangerous,

were drunk or had warrants. I, again that I'm a police officer that I need to see her driver's license now and I put my cop face on. I also remember that to a deaf person, the look on your face is equivalent to the tone of your voice. And apparently I was near screaming with my look. Now to add to this, it's 1am, it's very dark on the side street, and I'm 6'2 230 pounds. She's maybe 5'2 100 pounds. This poor girl was freaked out. I finally realized that I haven't stopped some serial killer, so I simply asked, well, why? To which she looks down at her crotch and shakes her head violently, no. Well, my little pea brain begins to gather information,

and I realize that I had been lazy in signing the sign for driver's license, and instead, I'd been signing. I'm a police officer. Show me your vagina. I still cringe at that. And I must have lit up the road with a 1.1 gigawatt red face with the look of embarrassment and horror that caught her off guard. Then she realized that I wasn't some rogue police officer using my authority to sexually assault her in a dark street, but just a cop who sucked at American Sign Language. Well, she started laughing at me, probably

from the relief that she felt mixed with the humor of the situation. It took several minutes to compose herself, and I just stood there and took it, looking as she-pish as I ever have. I earned every second of her laughing. I just kept apologizing over and over. Needless to say, she did not get a ticket, but instead got a story about this well-meaning but dumb police officer that severely messed up a traffic stop. So, I have a similar story, which is one of the most embarrassing things that's ever happened to me. Okay, so, my wife is Chinese, and as such, I've picked up a little bit of Chinese words

here and there. The most common ones involve food food because Chinese people are extremely, extremely passionate about food. The very first Chinese sentence that I ever learned was jibala, which means I'm full. The word for eat is roughly CHI, and I'm not very good at pronouncing Chinese, but it roughly goes shu. And it's important to understand that this word comes up all the time when Chinese people eat food. I'm full is shabala, let's eat is shafan, the food is tasty is househure, the food is not tasty is boo househure, so it's important to understand for this story that I hear this word shu over and over and over and over. So anyways, after dating my new girlfriend at the time, who is Chinese, I do what any young man would do,

and I go to the internet and I look up dirty Chinese words. I tried to memorize as many as I possibly could, so I could pull them out and like surprise my girlfriend and make her laugh or just, you know, shocker for the humor value. And for some reason, I was only ever able to memorize one of them. I don't know why this one specific word stuck with me,

but this is so bad. But the word is Cho B. And if you speak Chinese, you know what I'm gonna say? This is a really terrible cuss word to remember. It basically means stinky lady private parts, but the word for lady private parts is a much much worse word. Starts with the letter C in English.

So stinky C word. Anyways, so I had this list of curse words in my brain and my plan was, you know, just some random time, like if I'm driving and some person cuts me off, I'll just randomly be like, oh, that person such a stupid chubby and like see what my girlfriend's reaction would be. Cause I wanted to shock her and surprise her

and, you know, it'd be funny. Like that was the point of it, not to insult anyone, but just to say a random Chinese curse word out of the blue and like see how funny she found it. And so, so what happened was was I never actually did that. And my list of curse words gradually diminished over time such that I forgot almost all of them.

But that one word, Chow-P, stuck in my brain, but I forgot what it meant. Okay. Because this has been like a year later since I memorize these words. So the only thing that remains was the word Cho B, but not what it actually meant. So then I go to China, and I meet her parents, and we go to a nice Chinese restaurant, and they order all this delicious Chinese food, and I'm hearing this word over and over and over. Sure. How sure, Shabala, Buhao Shure, Shafan, Shure, Shure, Shure, and I keep hearing this word for eat over and over and over. Sure. How sure, Shabala, Fuhha Sure, Shafan, Sure, Shure, and I keep hearing this word for eat over and over and over.

And you know, I want to make a good impression because this is the first time I'm meeting her parents hanging out in China with them. And so I'm trying to like communicate with them a little bit. And so they ask me, is the food good? How sure am I? And for some reason, I don't know why. In the depths of my brain, this one little Chinese word pops up. And my brain thinks, sure, sounds like shall be. So it must be applicable in the situation. This must be a word that relates to food somehow, right? So I say to my girlfriend's mother, how chobee, which means roughly good,

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Today I effed up by telling hundreds of customers how horny I am. I used to work for Safeway. For those who may not know, it's a massive supermarket and grocery chain on the US West Coast. Being in northern California, we have a robust and amazing Mexican population. They're all great people. Also, being in California, it can get pretty hot, even up to 108 degrees Fahrenheit at the peak of summer. Now, I'm a mayonnaise white, ranch dipping, polo wearing cracker. I had this one Mexican coworker named

Jesus. He was a great dude, funny, obsessed with women, and he loved to mess with me. I was lower management, and I had a lot of Spanish-speaking customers and a lot of Spanish-speaking staff. I wanted to learn some Spanish, and I was picking up some job related terms here and there. Bolsa, Ayuda, Javez, and such. It allowed me to try to converse with my customers and staff better and learn along the way. Everybody wins.

So this one extremely hot day, I asked Hazeus how to say that I was really hot to customers. Just some non-offensive weather talk. Hazeus tells me, oh you say, you'll see a movie callient day. So okay, we're at work and I took him at his word and I used it all day with my Spanish speaking customers. So people are acting pretty weird as they're coming through my line for much of the day. And eventually this woman comes through

and likes so many before her, I say, Ola, su tarhata, komo esta, that translates to, hello, can I have your club card? How are you? She smiles, be in a two, good, end you? Now, this is my 100th customer or so, so I'd had this conversation all day. But to this woman, this angel of a woman,

I say, yo soy muy caliente. Ha, ha, ha, while sort of puffing my collar and fanning my face with my hands. She starts laughing so hard that she almost can't talk and she asks me in English. Do you know what that means? And I'm like, yeah, it means I'm really hot as I'm handing her my receipt. So she leans in real close, grabs her receipt and whispers. It means I'm very horny. Then she grabs her bag and walks off.

I turn bright red, then turn around and ha Hayes uses at the checkstand behind me, laughing his butt off, crying tears leaning on his register. Tsk, turns out he had been sitting there all day having the time of his goddamn life, watching me tell all of our customers how horny I was. I gave up on Spanish. OP, suffice to say, I feel your pain. Today I effed up by accidentally upscirting my colleague. I work in an office that recently had a new printer installed.

It's one of those big printers that scans, photocopies, and prints on A4, A3, and all types of paper. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to like the cheap copier paper that the company buys. If you print any more than about 5-6 pages at once, it jams up and tells you to call a service agent. If you unplug it, remove all the jam paper, and then turn it back on again, it'll usually just check itself out and then continue to work normally. Not today though.

There must have been a bit of paper stuck in a place that we couldn't see or get to, as it just kept asking us to call service agents. This is where I screwed up. My colleague was wearing a fairly short skirt about halfway down to the knee with pattern tights. She's looking around while we decide that it definitely needs an engineer to visit. I spy a sticker about halfway down the unit with all the details we need, the number to call, the 16-digit reference number, and the 16-digit serial number, as well as

the machine type, etc. Rather than scroll all that down onto a post, I decide to whip out my phone and take a picture of the sticker. Just as I do, my colleague, who has her back to me, leans down to get into the bottom most paper tray. My phone gets caught under her skirt as I press the shutter button. I say, whoa, as she turns her head to see me with my hand up her skirt as I press the shutter button. I say, whoa, as she turns her head to see me with my hand up her skirt. And then the flash of my camera goes off. My protest of, oh my god, no, sounds more like I'm upset that she caught me than trying to explain that it's a genuine mistake. What the heck? She asked with good reason. As I'm trying to explain, our boss comes out of his office, which the printer is situated just outside of and tries to work out what's happening.

I figure the best thing to do is to take the picture that I was trying to take originally, then show them both of the flash picture which is blurry and deleted in front of them. They say they both understand what was happening, but I'm still mortified. This happened about half an hour ago, and so far I've had four different news articles forwarded to me regarding people who have been convicted of upscirting. One regarding the actual legislation, and one to a link for a selfie stick with the suggestion that I wouldn't need to actually put my hand up any one skirt to get a picture if I bought that. O.P., upscirt pictures are just the beginning.

Just wait until your colleague gets stuck in the printer. Help me, step colleague. I got stuck in the printer! That was our slash today I have to up. And if you like this content, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.