rSlash - r/TIFU By Refusing to Shave My Wife's Booty-Hole

Episode Date: September 2, 2021

r/TIFU In today's episode, OP is watching Tiktoks with his wife. A content creator makes a joke about shaving "down there" and OP's wife innocently asks him, "Would you shave me down there?" OP acts disgusted and then says something that he would definitely come to regret later. Clearly, he should have just gone to grab some shaving cream 😂 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to R-Slash, a podcast where I read the best post from across Reddit. Today's subreddit is R-Slash Today I F-Dup, where a guy brings his dead mother on a first date. Today I F-Dup by background checking my girlfriend. We've been together a little over a year and we live together. She uses a flip phone for reasons that are too long to get into, so she'll occasionally use my phone when she needs to check her email or download music. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. I trashed my brain as a teenager. I have issues with long-term and short-term memory. But today I woke up and was chilling for a bit while my girlfriend wasn't work, and suddenly I thought,

oh no, what's my girlfriend's birthday? I knew what month it was in, but I couldn't remember if it was the 8th or the 9th. That's okay, I thought. I'll just go dig around for a bit. Surely there's some paperwork around the house that has a birthday on it? Spoiler, there wasn't. I'm definitely not asking her friends or family, because they'll surely tell her that I forgot. So I do what any reasonable guy does, and I do a Google search for background check services. I entered her name in city and for $7.99 I received an email with every traffic ticket, address and phone number that she's ever had. Most importantly though, it shows her birthday.

I write her birthday down in a safe spot and then go back to chilling, all's well. Turns out that I'm not a piece of garbage boyfriend. What a relief! My girlfriend gets home, our day is going well, and then she asks to use my phone to read her email. I completely obliviously give my phone to her. She opens it, and immediately sees a full background check on herself. I knew exactly what happened once her face changed. She immediately asks why I was background checking her a year into our relationship, and then she started getting emotional asking if I didn't trust her.

This is the first relationship that I've ever not had trust issues in. So I immediately confessed that I'm not a moron. I forgot her birthday, and I paid $7.99 to get it, because her sister and her friends would snitch on me, lol. Luckily, this isn't the first time that I've come off as a total moron to her, so she believed me. But she is indeed also a bit upset that I forgot her birthday. Next time something like this happens, I'm just admitting guilt, I think. I'm also sitting here. I'm also sitting here and

just realized that I could have just waited until she fell asleep and checked her driver's license. Also down in the comments, we had this story from Blue Yoshi. My current wife's mom, background checked me after my wife and I moved in together. She found out that I was still married to my ex-wife. She came over with a dossier on me and slapped it on the table for my wife to see. My wife looked at the documents and started laughing. You see, my wife was a notary at the time, and she was the one who notarized my divorce papers, so she definitely already knew. And then unenthuslama asks, is that how you met your wife while signing divorce papers? That's what I call a meet cute.

And then Blue Yoshi responds, unfortunately no, that's not how we met. We actually met on a dating website. I was very upfront about the fact that I was in the process of getting a divorce. But it was her idea to notarize the papers as a chat move. Today I effed up by reviewing a lawn service. I have a small house in the middle of the block. The neighbors to my left have kids and are working from home, so they don't do much yard work. The neighbors to the right moved out, and the landlord hasn't taken care of the backyard in months. I'm suffering from post-COVID fatigue, so I can barely bring myself to mo my own lawn. Let alone try to handle the dozens of weeds encroaching up on my yard from all sides.

My back fence has become tangled in a thick mess of vines, and I also have a Chinese wisteria that's grown out of control. It was starting to grow into all the fence lines in the neighbor's garage. I needed help. I found a great landscaping service on Google for my area that had wonderful prices. The crew came out and they got to work, and they tore through my backyard like a tree-trimming tornado. They cut back the wisteria beautifully. I was really impressed.

I paid the crew, gave them a huge tip, and I wanted to let the boss know the great work they'd done, so I wrote up a little Google review. Their tree trimming service is highly recommended. Theroux, fast, and clean, reasonable prices. Shout out to Steve on an amazing rim job. prices. Shout out to Steve on an amazing rim job. So clearly, OPMinter write Trim Job, not rim job. I didn't notice until the owner texted me and thanked me for their review before asking me please edit it. I was like, sure, but why? And he said, low, you'll see. I reread what I wrote and I face palmed Okay, so one of the services that I use is a landscaping service because I hate hate hate hate hate hate doing yard work I don't want to do it. I would rather pay someone to do it. That's how when it's been my money fine Okay, anyways recently the guy came over to do our landscaping and he was like so do you want me to edge you and?

And I was like do you want me to edge you? And I was like, do you want me to what? Edge me. And he said, yeah, clean up the edges around your landscaping. And I was like, oh, okay, yeah, I guess that's fine. Because apparently edging is when you create a really clear border on the edge between the mulch and the grass, that way it doesn't kind of like blend

over into each other and it's just like a clear edge, I guess. And I didn't know this, so I thought this guy was, you know, offering to edge me professionally this evening. I was like, thanks for the offer, sir, but I'm happily married. Today I have to buy and inviting a tender date over to my house and accidentally meeting his mother. Like many other unfortunate souls, my non-existent dating life has me turning to dating apps. This particular date is from Tinder. I've been chatting with this guy for a few days, and everything was going swimmingly. We had so much in common, and we're looking for the same things.

His pictures were cute, and he didn't live too far away, so all seemed well. I invited him over to grill out some burgers in my back yard. He asked if he could bring anything. I said sure, bring some bacon for the burgers. He agreed and said he'd be over soon. Given where he lived, I expected him to be over in 15 minutes. So I started the grill and seasoned the burgers. Half an hour later, he messaged me and said, I've driven by a couple of times and chickened out. Are you sure you

want me to come over? Maybe a red flag, but I just chalked it up to nerves and said, come on I'm hungry. So this really rough guy shows up, looking very different from his polished pictures. That's alright, I can get past that. From the minute he walked up, and I kid you not, he talked so much that he didn't even stop to take a breath. Within the first 5 minutes, I knew his life story from his aunt who hated their grandma to his father who likes to collect taxidermy. Not a single breath.

Again, I just figured that he was nervous. What? I put the burgers on and when they're ready, he pulls out a ziplock bag from his pocket with two pieces of bacon in it. Then he puts the pieces of bacon only on his burger. Okay? We sit down at the patio table to start eating. I finished my burger before he even started his.

He didn't stop talking the entire time. When we sit down, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out some kind of vile. It's about two inches tall with a cork in it. It's filled with black powder. He must have noticed me staring at it, trying to decide if he was about to snort something or build some kind of strange sand art. Then he said all super casual, oh, I'd like to introduce you to my mother. I just stared at him for what felt like an eternity.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or run. I'd like to bring her to any important event in my life. She also has ashes in this necklace I'm wearing and in this ring I have on and this half-sleeved tattoo is for her as well. Now mind you, I've lost a lot of people close to me and I don't judge people on their grief cycles. We all cope differently and I respect that. But Homeboy brought a vial of his mother's ashes

and set them on the table for our first date. He finally finished his burger and I made some excuse about having to clock and finish some work at 9.30pm. He texted me before he even got to his car and told me, my mother really liked you. I can't wait to see you again. I told him that I didn't feel the connection to him or his mother. Oh, I think that if you'd stuck with this guy, he would have probably chopped you up and

then brought little pieces of you in a ziplock bag to his next date. I've read some really awkward date stories on Reddit OP, but with this guy, you might need to move out of the state. I mean, this guy knows where you live, OP. Today I have to, by angering a sitting U.S. congressman on Facebook, to the extent that he challenged me to fight him when he comes to my state, which is Alaska next year. I accepted before giving it any thought. This all started earlier tonight when I replied to one of the congressman's posts, calling

him out for his frequent lying and capping it off by calling him a traitor. We then had a brief back and forth and he laid down the challenge. He wants us to fight either in a ring or in a dojo. I told him to message me before he gets here so we can actually make this happen. I'm not sure if I'm in over my head or not, but I am not about to back down. I have a surface level amount of training for my time in the infantry and in law enforcement, but he has a similar background. While I highly doubt that he'll follow through, I better start legitimately training just in case.

Never in a million years did I think that he'd respond, let alone challenge me to an actual fist of cups like we're in the 1800s, but here we are. OP, honestly, I don't know why you're posting this in today I f'd up because this seems like a win in my book. Most people dream of being able to punch out a lawmaker, but you might actually have the opportunity.

Plus, you could livestream the fight or do a go fund me or something, and potentially make a lot of money out of this. I don't know about you, but there are a lot of politicians out there that I would actually pay good money for to see get punched in the face. Today I have to, by not being able to explain to my wife,

the existence of a dress that wasn't hers in the washing machine. Friends, my marriage was on the edge of a knife just now, story time. My wife, who's 40, came into the bedroom with an unknown dress that she found in the dryer. Where did this dress come from? It's not yours. I know my own dresses. At this point she seems calm, but there is smoldering anger behind those brown eyes, and I'm in legit danger. Uh, I have no idea. At this point, I'm scrambling to come up with anything that doesn't make it look like I'm cheating, because even I realize that, despite being innocent, this does not look good, and I'm in trouble. I have no idea where this dress is from.

Stalling for time, I ask her what size it is. That was a dumb, effing question, because it wasn't her size. Scramble, I say, maybe it was from the daycare, and they sent it back with my kids dirty clothes? That was a bit of a stretch, but I'm painfully aware that the longer this mystery goes on, the more screwed I am. No one stated our house in the last two years. The whole time I'm thinking, oh no, oh no, oh no. I suggest that maybe someone is sabotaging me.

It sounded stupid the moment I said it, but I mean, WTF is happening. Then I say, it looks kinda nice, maybe you should try it on. Please, no one ever take advice from me ever. My wife's eyes are beginning to promise my horrible death despite still seeming amused, but don't be fooled. The Reaper was at my door. I'm literally sweating at this point, and my trying to keep it lighthearted is becoming more and more difficult. Has my dryer created some sort of wormhole to another person's house and some kind of twisted cosmic joke? Anything is possible at this point. My wife is losing her sense of humor by the nanosecond, as

I stare dumbly at this stupid dress. I'm in a complete loss, and then a revelation comes to me in my moment of need, on a piphony for the ages. A moment to redeem every forgotten thing my notoriously bad memory has ever forgotten over the years. I said, was it with that skirt my mom gave you? My wife shows visible relief as she checks her phone. Sure enough, there's a picture of the dressing or messages of the clothing my mom gave you? My wife shows visible relief as she checks her phone. Sure enough, there's a picture of the dressing or messages of the clothing my mom gave her.

Hi five brain! My married has been saved a screw up another day. Down in the comments, we have this story from just me down south. My husband's underwear was getting pretty worn. I purchased him a bunch of new pairs, washed him, and put them in his drawer. His response in the next morning. Somebody put a bunch of underwear in my drawer them and put them in his drawer. His response in the next morning. Somebody put a bunch of underwear in my drawer and it's not mine. And beneath that, we have this toy from Navarone. I was around 18 and my girlfriend was in the room. I was digging under

my bed for something and I pulled out a pair of panties. My response was to hold them up and ask, are these yours? Of course they were hers, but the implication that they might not have been led to a rough month. Today I have to, by playing God with a delicate balance of nature. I accidentally started a large-scale war between ants, and I feel absolutely terrible. So I own two large ant farms and have for many months, both of which contain harvester ants. The smaller farm has become damaged thanks to my clumsy knees, so I wanted to relocate the ants somewhere safer. Last night, I came up with a bright idea to connect the two enclosures with a piece of plastic tubing that I had laying around, hoping they'd maybe move in together. I know that's stupid now, but it felt like a good idea at the time. Sure enough, after an hour, the Answerman Closure 2 started venturing through the tube,

excited to explore their newly-expanded world. Suddenly, though, to my surprise, the Answerman Closure 1 ran into their little hill, seemingly going into hiding. Around 20 minutes later, some of the large soldier Answerman Closure 2 began to poke around inside the hole of the hill of enclosure one. Chaos, and I mean utter, effing chaos ensued. The answer-man closure one began pouring out onto the sand. I didn't even know there were so many in there.

Within seconds they were fighting, with the soldier-sarmen closure two tearing them in half like effing maniacs. At this point, I really wanted to intervene. Desperate to stop the brutal madness, but it was too late. With almost all the soldier-anserman Closure 1 laying bloodied and decimated, one of the soldier-stroman Closure 2 made a move on the hill's sandy entrance. This soldier ant was huge, almost as third as big as the queen. Noticing the attempted attack, the surviving worker answer from enclosure 1 moved in on

her position with a surrounding santa. They piled on her, literally covering her entire body, biting into her with vicious fury. Yet she kept moving, entering the small hole like a fricking tank. At this point in the war, I didn't have a clear view of the battle that was taking place inside the hill. I tried to rotate the connected enclosures, but, alas, the siege was taking place in the war. I didn't have a clear view of the battle that was taking place inside the hill. I tried to rotate the connected enclosures, but, alas, the siege was taking place in the sandy part of the hill. After around 10 minutes, I see the butt of the soldier ant from enclosure 2 backing out of the hole, and one of her back left legs was missing. To my absolute effing horror,

she begins to drag the queen out of the hole by her head. All the while, the queen was biting down on the soldiers seemingly impenetrable skull with everything that she had. Her workers were still climbing all over this absolute monster. After a good minute of tugging on the queen, the soldier just jerks backwards. In one single decisive tug, she literally ripped the queens head off. She then turned, examined the corpses of her fallen sisters who died in the meantime, and she simply began to walk away. With the queens' decapitated head still held within her mandibles like some trophy of war.

As of now, enclosure one has no queen, and only 12 workers remain. From what I can see anyway, the soldier, believe it or not, is still very much alive. She's returned home to enclosure 2 with the Queen's head in tow. She's resting inside the hill beside her own Queen, preparing for possible retaliation. I've disconnected the two enclosures, but I honestly don't know what to do now. It's the most brutal thing that I've ever witnessed, and I feel like I've just screwed up an entire world with nothing more than a bit of plastic tubing. Okay, so for those of you who don't know, answer like the most insane hardcore species

on this entire planet, and it's not even close. Everyone likes to think that humans are the dominant species on Earth, but actually that's not even close to correct. If you took every single human on planet Earth and put them on one side of a scale, and then you took every single ant on planet Earth and put them on another side of the scale, the ants would outweigh the humans by a lot. In fact, the weight of all ants on this Earth outweigh the weight of humans by five times, which is just insane when you think about it.

Because how many millions just, I'm imagining this giant human-shaped pile of ants that you would have to have in the world to equal just one person. And there's like seven billion people on Earth and ants outweigh that by like five times, it's and on top of that they're constantly killing each other. Today I have to, by telling my wife, that I didn't want to shave her butthole. So my wife loves to watch TikTok videos at 100% volume while I watch shows that she doesn't really care for. Eventually I just give it and watch them with her on her phone.

Some of them are actually decent. One TikTok started as a prank video between a husband and wife. The mildly attractive wife in the TikTok made up a story about her normal spa being closed, and she needed her husband to wax her booty hole. And the prank completely grossed the husband out. My wife then looked up at me and jokingly asked, would you shave my butthole? Without thinking you're missing a beat I responded, no, but I would shave her butthole. Instant regret flooded my whole body.

I didn't mean what I said, but I knew that it didn't matter. She turned bright red with tears in her eyes and stormed off. Then I said the least likely sentence I ever thought that I would utter to my wife as an apology. Baby, come back, I didn't mean it. I would love to shave your butthole. She hasn't talked to me in 3 hours. Don't worry OP, you can always learn from your mistake and do better on your second marriage. That was our slash today I effed up, and if you like this content, you can sponsor my podcast to unlock extra episodes. Also, be sure

to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day. podcast to unlock extra episodes. Also be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.