rSlash - r/Tifu By Setting my Butt on Fire with Spicy Peppers

Episode Date: June 26, 2022

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Welcome to R-slash Today I F'd Up, where OP sets his butthole on fire. Today I F'd Up by eating the hottest peppers that I could find while having no sense of taste or smell due to COVID. I got COVID for the second time over the weekend, and by Monday I had lost all sensation of taste and smell. At the peak of the pandemic, I joked with my brother-in-law about running a hot pepper gauntlet if I ever lost my sense of taste and smell. At the peak of the pandemic, I joked with my brother-in-law about running a hot pepper gauntlet if I ever lost my sense of taste and smell from COVID because I heard that you can handle spicy things. Mind you, I've always loved spicy things, but habanero peppers are usually the hottest that I can go. So I started with those because why not?

And I felt nothing. So I thought, let's just jump right to a pepper called the Death Spiral, which is hotter than a ghost pepper, but not as hot as a Carolina Reaper. This is the moment where I think that I can pinpoint where my screw up happens. I felt nothing, no taste, no spice. So I immediately threw two Carolina Reaper peppers down, followed by about 10 to 15 pieces of habaneros and death spiral peppers. About halfway through, my body started to retaliate because I was sweating. I was numb.

I felt like I was going to die, but the burn wasn't there until it was. It's hard to describe. Anyway, I suffered through the night with awful indigestion, and I took Antasids to try to calm it. I was miserable. I didn't think it could get any worse, but then the moment came where I had to evacuate them. And my God, the pure fire and rage that my sphincter had was unbearable. It felt like Satan himself was trying to claw his way out of my rectum. For hours afterwards, I swear the fire feeling that came out of my exit hatch could have made

s'mores for the entire family. I'm still in pain days later. Opie, thank you so much for that mental image. I'm imagining a happy family sitting around a campfire, but instead of a campfire, it's just you, bent over, farting out flames onto a family's s'mores. Today I have to, by selling my girlfriend's dog without her knowing. I know the title makes me sound horrible, but please hear me out. Also something you should know is that my girlfriend has diagnosed anxiety, which will

be important later. I'm a 29 year old guy and my girlfriend is 27. We moved in together about 6 months ago. She only makes about $12,000 a year at her low paying job, so I pay most of the bills. This arrangement worked, and I don't mind contributing that much. However, 4 months ago ago I lost my job. We have no savings and this was a devastating blow and I haven't been able to get new employment. We missed rent and we received our 30 day eviction notice. My girlfriend's

response to this was to shut down and her anxiety became debilitating. So I had to do all of the apartment hunting alone. Keep in mind that I had to do all of the apartment hunting alone. Keep in mind that I had to do all of this on a very restrictive budget and on a time restraint because of the eviction. I don't have any family because I was raised in the foster care system and my girlfriend's family couldn't help us because of unfortunate personal circumstances which I completely understand. But still, it's frustrating. In the end, I was only able to find one apartment within our budget, but it didn't allow dogs. This meant that I would have to find a home for our dog, Oggi.

I asked our friends to take him in, but we don't have many friends, and since we live in a city, their apartment's don't allow dogs. Please keep in mind that I had been providing my girlfriend with regular updates and she was well aware of the situation. So I texted my girlfriend a week before the eviction and told her that I put a deposit down on the apartment. The message just goes follows. I put a deposit down so we need to think about finding a home for Oggi. I don't want to think about this right now. It's just all too much. I know it's a lot, but no one can take him in. I've tried everything. Could we please reconsider selling him? Absolutely not. We had numerous other conversations about this before I finally realized that she wasn't in a stable state of mind and that I had to do something now or we were going to

be homeless. So I found a family with young kids who I knew Oggy would love. I visited their house to make sure that it was a good fit. The meeting went wonderful, and they even had a backyard and a dog park down the streets. I knew that he would be happy. So Oggy and I traveled to their house multiple times over the next few days to get him adjusted. On the final day, I said goodbye to him. I didn't tell my girlfriend that I was doing this because I knew that she would stop me. The family agreed to let us visit whenever we wanted, so I knew that she would still get to see him.

Please note that this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. I wasn't just as much pain as she was, I was just able to manage it better. When I got home, I broke the news to her and she instantly broke down. We moved into the new apartment and she's been crying for days. I feel terrible. Today I effed up by joining my work group chat and now I feel like throwing up. I'm a 25 year old girl and I work with older people age 40 to 50 and today they added me to the WhatsApp work group chat. One of my co-workers came to my desk and asked me if I was aware of what picture was on my WhatsApp. I use WhatsApp very rarely, mostly with friends if we're not using other available apps like

Snapchat. I had to go check because I hadn't been on WhatsApp in a while, so I opened WhatsApp to check my picture and I felt like throwing up. So the story behind my WhatsApp profile picture is that I saw it on Twitter and I showed it to my friends because I thought that it was hilarious. One of them said that I wouldn't set it as my profile picture and I said bet. So I set that picture on the app that I never use and completely forgot about it. The picture is a very detailed and adult drawing of Iron Man and Captain America passionately hugging. Okay, so OP includes the picture, which I absolutely cannot show on YouTube. But Iron Man and Captain America are going at it. Captain America has a remote control to let's say a new gadget that Tony Stark has installed

down south. Once I saw it, I immediately changed my picture to the most professional picture of me that I could find. As I'm panicking and not knowing what to do and wanting to change my entire identity, a coworker came up to me and normally he's very friendly and chatty, but this time he couldn't even look me in the eyes. My boss saw this picture, my coworker saw this picture. I feel like I've scarred these older people for life. Tomorrow I have to go back to work, and I don't know what to expect or what to do.

Today I have to, by thinking that peanut butter was supposed to be spicy. Ever since I was a kid, I loved how peanut butter tastes. Not only did it taste good, but it had this weird spice to it that wasn't like a chili pepper type spice, but instead it was a whole unique flavor that I never tasted in other foods. It was the perfect accent when mixed with jelly because the spiciness and sweetness went together perfectly. Sometimes I would eat too fast

and have a hard time breathing, but I never thought anything of it. I also remember getting some weird looks a few times as a kid talking about spicy peanut butter, but I didn't think anything of that either. One day a few months ago, I, a 25 year old guy, was staying at my parents' house and went to make myself some lunch. I saw some peanut butter in the pantry,

but no jelly. So, since I was so hungry, I slammed about an inch of peanut butter between two slices of bread. I remember thinking, wow, this is the most peanut butter I've ever eaten at once, but then I got back to work to vowering my creation. This is where the screw up starts. A few bites in, I got that 8 too fast feeling, and I had to take a break to catch my breath. I started eating again, and I immediately got that 8 too fast feeling again. Man, it's gonna take me forever to eat this sandwich, I thought. So I became determined to just power through and finish it no matter how uncomfortable it was.

Big mistake. I made it to about the halfway point before I knew that something was wrong. It simultaneously felt like there was a rock stuck in my windpipe and like somebody had filled my lungs with peanut butter. I was wheezing and struggling to breathe. It effing hurts. The amount of time that it took me to take a full breath was causing me to panic, and it felt like I was trying to fill up a hot air balloon with a straw. I immediately started googling heart attack symptoms, but they didn't really match up. I then googled

the symptoms themselves, and the results of symptoms of allergic reactions started coming up. Some of the main symptoms were difficulty breathing, chest tightness, and wheezing. Then I scrolled further down and I saw a section about things to watch out for in children. And the top result was when a child says their mouth feels hot or they say a non-spicy food is spicy. After a painfully long period of time, I started being able to breathe again, and suddenly all the weird looks that I got from talking about spicy peanut butter made sense. Peanut butter wasn't spicy, I had just been poisoning myself all these years.

I now use peanut butter alternatives and I mix my jelly with sweet Asian chili jelly. It's just as good, but it doesn't almost kill me. You know OP, in all fairness, for people who aren't allergic to peanut butter, if you eat a PB and J2 quickly, it can still cause you to have trouble breathing. So, at least you're not alone there OP, just about everyone has almost choked to death on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Today I effed up by giving my girlfriend money to surprise my boys. My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year, and a month ago she moved in with me.

She has no kids, but I have 11 year old twin boys. I'm a single dad. Their mom left shortly after she gave birth. In the beginning, my girlfriend would talk about my sons or she would introduce them like, Mito P and hear his sons with Down syndrome. Or, oh yeah, my boyfriend has kids, but they have Down syndrome. And she once commented to her friend, yeah, I went a baby, but my boyfriend has disabled genes. I don't want a downed baby, which is incredibly ignorant, and I've told her how this bothers me. You have to put

people before their disabilities. They have names. She usually apologizes and laughs it off. I thought she was just oblivious and that she didn't understand disabilities. Twins with Down syndrome are unique, and I tell them every day how special they are, so when she references them in a negative way, it's a relationship red flag. Today's their birthday, so I gave my girlfriend enough money to buy balloons,

party supplies, a cake, their favorite food, and get a slip-and-slide. She offered to do this while I was at work. She said that she was getting her hair done, and then would go shop and set everything up. I was so excited to surprise my boys. I picked up my boys from their summer day program and hit it home. I walk inside and it's just my girlfriend. I asked her where everything was and she said, did you not see my text? There was a text from her hours ago saying, oh no, I forgot my wallet. I said, okay.

And she forgot her wallet so she used my money to pay for her hair. I told her there was no way that she forgot her wallet and she started getting defensive. She said that she had this hair appointment booked months in advance and she would be put on a client backlist at the salon for canceling. So she just used my money and insinuated she would do extra sexual favors to make it up to me. I asked her why she took my money that I gave her for my boys and she said, it's not like they know it's their birthday, just tell them it's next month. I swear, I have never felt so much rage in my life. She said, you have a good job, I'll pay you back. I told her that I gave her everything that I had left

until I got paid again and I get paid monthly. She said that I was acting crazy when I told her to go back to the salon, have them refund her, shave her bald, get an IOU, or start sweeping up hair for it. Then she said that we can just pretend that it's their birthday on another day. She said that she has no money to give me right now, and I told her that what she did was stealing. I said that I wasn't going to have a thief in my house around my kids and to get out. She started crying, saying that she has nowhere to go and that I can't just evict her. She's not on the lease and she hasn't lived here for a full month, nor does she have

any mail with my address. I didn't realize until after she left that she stole my son's tablets and I'm in the process now filing a police report and I'm in the process now of filing a police report, and I'm shaking. I was distracted trying to calm them down because they got scared that I was upset. Not only do they have nothing for their birthday, but they also don't have their tablets they use daily for communication and use nightly to calm down before bed. We have food to eat, but they were looking forward to having their favorite meal. I'm so tired of seeing people take advantage of people with disabilities who justify it as,

they don't know what's going on, let alone have it happen at home. Alright OP, we know that she's lying because, okay let's suppose she did forget her wallet. Then in that case, I do actually think it's reasonable to pay the salon with the money that you gave her. But then she should just drive back home, get her wallet, and use the money she was going to spend at the salon on the kids. Right? I think that's perfectly reasonable. But this woman lied to you, stole from you, and then disrespected your own children. You're better off without a ropey. She seems like the scum of the earth. Honestly, I don't know why you didn't immediately dump her

when she was saying disrespectful thing about your kids. If I was dating a woman and she said disrespectful things about my daughter, that would be an immediate deal breaker. Today I f'd up by sending a call from the International Space Station to voicemail. A friend of mine is currently on his second mission to the International Space Station. I saw of mine is currently on his second mission to the International Space Station. I saw a call come in on my iPhone and the caller ID said USGov. I first

had that thought slash feeling that you get when the principal calls you into their office. Oh man, what did I do that I thought that I got away with, but maybe I didn't. I was in the middle of something with a bunch of people, and I showed them what it said on my phone, and everyone was all, don't answer it! Between everyone's suggestion and my gut feeling of being in trouble, I sent it to voicemail. But turns out, it was my buddy calling from space! I had a chance to speak with someone who wasn't on Earth and I screwed it up. The first thing he said in the voicemail was, you probably saw a call from US government and turned it

down. I know that he'll call again, but man, I feel like an idiot right now. Down in the comments we have this post from Hume. Who on Earth would be ringing me at this hour? The answer is no one, no one on Earth. That was our slash today I eftop and if you liked this content be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.