rSlash - r/TIFU By Staging a Jailbreak

Episode Date: October 12, 2025

0:00 Intro 0:06 Straight to jail 5:26 Smoke 10:06 Cat 12:28 Finger Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. welcome to r slash today i effed up where op stupidly gets himself arrested today i effed up by trying to break a buddy out of jail it worked for a minute at the time i was in the military station state side one night

a group of buddies and i discovered yager bombs round after round we kept them coming and before we knew it the night had flown by my friend brian offered to drive my roommate and me back to our off based apartment. We didn't make it far. A car full of three 21-year-olds leaving a bar at 2 a.m. near a military base, that drew police attention. We got pulled over, and as soon as the officer reached Brian's window, it was clear we were drunk. All of us admitted it. Brian blew into the breathalyzer and bailed instantly. He was cuffed and placed in the back of the patrol car. Then the officer turned to my roommate in me. He explained that if one of us blew under the limit, we could drive Brian's car home and save him the impound fees.

We both tried, we both failed. Here's where it gets weird. The officer left us with Brian's car and the keys. Then, he drove off with Brian to book him into the local jail. To this day, I have no idea why he left us like that. About 20 minutes later, my roommate and I had what seemed like a brilliant idea. Now, this all happened years ago, back when DUI penalties were just starting to become as serious as they are today. We were young, reckless, and unbelievably stupid. I don't condone

drinking and driving in any way, and I'm grateful that nobody was hurt. Now, back to the bad ideas. Both my roommate and I were military police officers. We felt guilty for letting Brian drive us, and now he was in trouble. So, with zero judgment, we decided to drive Brian's car back to the apartment ourselves. It wasn't far, but that doesn't excuse the stupidity. Somewhere between leaving the car and arriving home, we came up with the ultimate plan. We're going to break Brian out of jail. Here's the master plan, step by step. 1. Return Brian's car to our apartment.

2. Brush our teeth. Pop in gum. 3. Shave and get into our military police uniforms. 4. Put on our guard belt to look like we're on duty. 5. Call my precincts dispatch and ask them not to contact the jail that Brian was at. 6. Call the jail directly. pretending to be my command. I asked if any military members were in custody. They confirmed Brian was there.

I then asked if we could take him into custody. They said yes. Seven. Switch cars, leave Brian's car at the apartment and take one of our own. Eight. Give ourselves one last pep talk. Then hit out. We pull into the jail parking lot around 4 a.m.

It was completely empty. We buzzed at the entrance and explained that we were there to take custody of Brian, and we were told, 25 of the longest minutes of my life later, a loud buzzer sounded. The heavy metal door slid open, and there stood two correction officers and Brian in handcuffs. The look on his face was priceless. Jaw dropped. Pale as a ghost.

I told the officers I'd put my own cuffs on him so they could take theirs back. I even gave him a pat down before swapping them out. And just like that, Brian was in my custody. We thanked the officers, walked him out, and hit it across the lot towards our car, hearts pounding. That's when my roommate whispered, Don't get in the car! Don't get in the car! I turned around to see the arresting officer standing behind us. He looked us dead in the eye and asked,

Aren't you two the passengers from the vehicle I pulled over tonight? Busted! Our luck had run out. The lot had been empty when we arrived, but while we were inside waiting, the arresting officer had pulled in and was sitting in his patrol car doing paperwork. He watched us walk Brian out of jail like it was nothing. You can guess what happened next. We all went to jail. By 8 a.m., our command came to get us. Back at base, I was told to go home, pack my things, and be ready

because this was not going to end well. The next day, I returned and didn't leave base for 45 days until we deployed again. The fallout. I was punished to the fullest extent of the uniform code of military justice. I disappointed a lot of people and I carried that shame. But at the same time, I was infamous. Word spread fast. Everyone knew about the failed jailbreak and for better or worse, it made us celebrities. People said we embodied loyalty. You had to admire that audacity, even if the execution was insane. Thankfully, this didn't in mind. my career. I served out my enlistman honorably, and I've never screwed up like that again. Looking back now, it was crazy, reckless, and absolutely stupid. But it's also one of those wild

stories that remind me of the bonds that we had as brothers in arms. We tried to break a friend out of jail, and for a brief, glorious moment, it worked. This top comment, for all you know, you're now a test case in officer training school in which students are challenged on how they'd handle this. It's a pretty good story. I think good friends will bail you out of jail. Great friends will get themselves arrested so they can spend the night in jail with you. Today I effed up by letting my mom smoke with me. So this happened last weekend and I'm still catching flak for it. My mom is 68, uses a walker, and generally has the vibe of a retired librarian who used to be wild in the 70s, but now just collects tea and watches British crime shows. She's always been curious.

about weeds since it's legal now where we live, and I've joked about smoking with her before, but it was never serious. Well, she was in a good mood. My dad was out running errands, and I had just rolled a joint. She looked at me, grinned, and said, maybe I'll try a puff. My stupid self-thought, what's the worst that could happen, and said, hell yeah, mom, let's go. Big mistake. 10 minutes in, she's giggling at absolutely nothing and says that she feels like her walker is too loud. I don't even know what that means. I check, it's not making any noise. She tells me it's probably echoing through the cosmos. I laugh, she laughs, we're vibing. 20 minutes in, it's time to go back inside. This is where it starts to unravel. We live in a one-story house, but there's a small step up to the

door or a ramp a few feet away. I remind her, use the ramp, don't try the step. She nods like she totally gets it, then turns directly towards the step and just stands there for a full 90 seconds like she's trying to solve a physics problem. Eventually, she turns around and goes, Where the hell is the ramp? Did somebody move it? No, Mom. It's literally right there. I guide her to it like a baked shepherd and get her safely inside. 30 minutes in, she's now experiencing full-on munchies. I leave her alone in the kitchen for five minutes to grab her a blanket. When I came back, the crime scene unfolds. She's got three empty ice cream containers in front of her. Two generic ones and the nice one my dad buys for himself and hides behind the frozen peas. That man

rations his ice cream like it's gold. She demolished it, all of it. She looks at me with innocent, wide eyes and says, I only meant to take a bite to see if I liked it. I asked if she even realized that it was dad's special stash. She goes, oh, that explains the peas. One hour later, dad comes home. I try to casually redirect him from the free. freezer. He, of course, goes straight to it and lets out this soul deep, what the F? And my mom immediately starts fake snoring on the couch like she's been asleep for hours. Now, I'm the villain for corrupting my own mother and letting her get stoned to steal a man's joy. Today I effed up by telling my husband he needs to pay me if we open our relationship. I'm a 32 year old woman and

my husband is 31. We were talking about friends of ours who opened their relationship. with a written contract, a maximum of five people, no friends or family, full honesty, etc. My husband told me that the girl had no choice, either accept the contract or her boyfriend would leave. But apparently she was okay with it in the end because he convinced her and she agreed. Whatever works for them, their relationship, their rules. Why not? I told my husband, if I had to open my relationship, I'd need to be paid for it. I explained that for me, something like this would only make sense if both sides benefits. I have zero interest in sleeping with strangers, so for me, the benefit would have to be money

to make up for the effort. I added that the price would have to be high, so it actually feels like a burden. He looks skeptical. I just said it's a win-win. Everyone gets what they want and need. That kind of deal must be fair for both parties. He asked how much, and I laughed and said $500 plus $100 more per partner resetting every year. We both laughed and moved on. So what OP means here is the first partner costs $500, the second partner cost $600, etc. Later, he came back and asked me again what my price was. That's when I realized he might actually be considering it. It was supposed to be a joke. We've never even talked about opening our relationship. We do have our issues. Our love life is not the greatest since we have kids, but we're trying to make

at work. Now, I can't stop thinking that he might actually want this, and I don't. I should have set a higher price. So, yeah, I regret saying that. O.P., when you said you wanted to set a high price, I was shocked when you said $500. Yeah, obviously, everyone's financial situation is different, but $500 to step out on the relationship, I think most people would consider that a deal. Today I effed up by accidentally teaching my boyfriend's cat that love means shoving her foot in your mouth. My boyfriend has this little chaos goblin of a cat named Magoo. She's a lovable menace with strong, I do what I want, energy. Earlier today, she stretched her paw out towards me in that casual,

I own you way that cats do. And in a moment of pure intrusive thought energy, I jokingly put her paw in my mouth. Not in a gross way, no biting, no licking, just a harmless nom. Intrusive thoughts, one, as usual. Yes, I know it's gross. I fully recognize this cat walked in a litter box. But this was not a logical decision. It was a dumb, impulsive moment, no thoughts.

Anyway, she immediately pulled her paw back like, ew, WTF human? Fair, I assume that was the end of our weird little exchange. Nope, not even five seconds later, She reaches out her other paw. But this time, she looks weirdly intentional about it. I laugh, open my mouth again, because clearly I've learned nothing. And she straight up willingly shoves her whole foot down my throat like she's trying to check my tonsils.

I gag. She looks smug. I realize I've made a huge mistake. Here's the thing. I don't think she understands why I put her foot in my mouth in the first place. I think she just decided, oh, this is how. we show affection now. This is our thing, like some kind of ceremonial bonding ritual. And now she keeps trying to do it again. Every time I lie down or yawn or open my mouth too wide,

she's there, ready, watching. Tobeen's at full extension. The cat thinks she's unlocked the secret to bonding with humans. And unfortunately, that secret is gagging us with her foot. The truly cursed part, I'm kind of mildly excited to see her try it on my boyfriend. He has no idea. I can already picture it. He yawns innocently, and suddenly he's choking on a fuzzy toe bean surprise. I've seen the look in her eye. She's just waiting for the right moments.

You know, honestly, O.P., I think this is an upgrade from the more typical weight that cats express their affection, which is to shove their butthole in your face. Today I effed up by showing my family the ugliest finger. When I was a kid, probably between 8 and 10, I was messing around on my mom's phone. I went into her camera roll and saw something. Now, I had zero idea what I was looking at. My brain could not comprehend it. To me, it looked like some kind of horrible, wrinkly, mutant finger.

The ugliest finger I'd ever seen in my life. Naturally, I did what any responsible Big Sister would do. I showed my little sister, look at this ugly finger. She agreed, it was hideous. Then I decided to show my mom this cursed finger. Big mistake. Her eyes went wide, she gasped, and then she moved faster than I'd ever seen her move. She grabbed the phone like it was about to explode and deleted the picture right in front of me.

When I went back later, it was gone. At the time, I didn't think too much about it. Years later, though, I realized it was not. a finger. Not even close. So yeah, I proudly showed my little sister and my mom some random guy's junk. Convinced I discovered the world's ugliest finger. Down in the comments, we have this story from Vanguard Raven. I was like four or five rummaging through my mother's drawers when I found this sort of giant plastic finger. It had some twist switch on the base, so I twisted it and it started vibrating. My mother was preoccupied when all this happened, so I turned to her and said,

Look, ma, a giant finger! She teleported to my side and snatched that thing away from me. And I was pretty confused since she seemed pretty angry. I forgot about it for years until I realized that it was not, in fact, a giant finger. Today I effed up by pretending to faint at work because I fell from my chair. I'm a 24-year-old woman, and I was at my station just mindlessly spinning around in my swivel chair. You know how we all do it when we're bored. Except this time, my chair completely slipped out from under me, and next thing you know, I'm on the floor. Now, our office is usually dead quiet. So, of course, the sound of me hitting the ground was loud enough to make the whole department stop what they're doing and look to where the sound came from. Instead of standing up, my lizard brain

decided that the best way to save face was to play dead. I shut my eyes and went limp like I'd actually fainted. Bad move. Within seconds, people were crowding around me asking if I was okay. The company nurse and my manager were summoned. I kept the act going for a couple of minutes. When I regained consciousness, I told them I was feeling better and was ready to go back to work. But my manager insisted I go to the ER and wouldn't let me back to the office unless I had a doctor. notes saying that I was fit to go back to work. So here I am in the emergency room having some labs and tests done because I'm too embarrassed to admit that I fell from my chair. Also, OPEs and test done because I'm too embarrassed to admit that I fell from my chair. Also, O.P. points out that

this did not take place in America, so O.P. doesn't have to deal with crazy medical bills. Yeah, O.P., I don't know what you expected to happen. If someone passed out for several minutes, everyone around them would insist they go to the hospital. So maybe you did bump your head on the way down because that was some stupid thinking. That was our slash today I effed up. And if you like this content, be sure to follow my podcast

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