rSlash - r/Tifu By Taking A Dump On My Girlfriend's Bed

Episode Date: March 2, 2021

r/Tifu It's fine to take a sleeping pill before bed -- lots of people do! But when you're staying over at your new girlfriend's house, maybe you shouldn't take extra sleeping pills. After all, sleeping pills are designed to help you relax. You wouldn't want to get TOO relaxed, would you? That's what happened to OP. He took one too many sleeping pills and ended up dropping a hot one on his new girlfriend's bed. Oopsie Poopsie! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Childhood vaccines have been around for decades and are safe and proven to help protect children against 14 preventable diseases. Learn more at Canada.ca slash childhood vaccines. A message from the government of Canada. Welcome to R-Slash, a podcast where I read the best post from across Reddit. Today's subreddit is R-Slash Today I F-Dup where OP takes a dump in his girlfriend's bed. Today I F-Dup by sleeping over my new girlfriend's house and taking sleeping pills. I'm a 38 year old guy and I'm in the process of a high conflict divorce. It's 5 years in the making after 8 years married.

5 months ago I met a wonderful woman. She's been very understanding with the situation with my soon to be ex and my kids. We've put off sleeping overs since I was still living with my wife in our house. A couple of weeks ago, the court ordered my wife to move out and we exchange the kids every week. This was her week with the kids, and my girlfriend and I decided to finally have a sleep over. Throughout this whole divorce process, I've been having trouble sleeping, and I've been taking sleeping pills on and off for the past 6 months. This week was particularly hard with the kids out of the house, and by Thursday I'd had

a total of 10 hours of sleep, so I went to the pharmacy to get sleeping pills. My girlfriend had already warned me that she's a light sleeper and has a strict schedule going to sleep at 10pm. I went our first night together to go well with no disturbance from me. Secondly, my experience has taught me that I need at least three sleeping pills to feel the effects, and even then they take a few hours to kick in. Granted, I never used this particular brand, but I trust my experience, and it might be that I'm just not that responsive to sleeping agents. So I get to our house after a tough day in the office where I had to let go of staff. I'm sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted. We ordered pizza and salad and when it arrives we sit

down to eat. It's around 7 pm, so I decide to take the pills then so they would have time to do their thing. We get through the salad, and by the time we get to the pizza I'm starting to feel woozy. By the end of the meal, I can't see straight. It's difficult to form synates as, and I'm experiencing very strong hiccups. My girlfriend sits me on the couch and rubs my back to help with the hiccups, and within 20 minutes they're gone. She helps me brush my teeth and helps me into bed. It's just after 8 p.m., and she jumps in the bed with me and rubs my back and arms until I'm asleep. Next thing I know, I feel a fart coming on and I just let it rip. As you can guess, it was a trick my sphincter was playing on my sleeping pill soaked brain

and I go on to make it a positive loose change in my underpants. I jump out of the bed and run to the bathroom. I try to quietly clean up and long story short. I go through a roll of toilet paper and ruin two hand towels and the little carpet by the toilet in the process. I leave the bathroom and I run into my very worried girlfriend pacing in the hallway. I tell her what happened and she bursts out laughing, tells me not to worry and after assuring me that I didn't mess the bit as well, she puts me back to sleep. I woke up this morning to a clean bathroom, laundry towels and underwear, and a fresh cup

of coffee. She's a keeper. Lesson learned, not all sleeping pills are equal. Some come with added sharts. Down in the comments, we have this reply from my heart tater tots. I took a dump on my- I took a dump on my girlfriend's couch when we first started dating. We've been married 13 years this year. We got rid of the couch though. Today I have to buy unknowingly committing 9 felonies and 7 misdemeanors. This happened 9 years ago, but I still think about it every

day. It's a long one so buckle up. This story starts with me, a quiet but well-liked throughout the school's 17-year-old and IT class in my high school and a large suburban two-city public school district. We had one of the best high school IT programs in the country at the time for many reasons. Part of our class of about 35 people involved us going around the school to do basic maintenance on school computers. With the exception of myself and my friend, our class never touched staff computers. My friend and I were the two students who always finished our two-week classwork cycle in about two days. So we were always tasked by our IT teacher with helping the school IT guy go around and fix issues throughout the building while

everyone else worked on their classwork. Often, we were loaned the IT guys keys and district key card to go around the school and take care of business. This is important later. Over time, my friend and I became well known by staff around the school for being able to fix anything. So, we have actually gained a lot of trust from our IT teacher and district IT guy. To the point that we knew passwords that we absolutely should not have known. We knew everything from the password to the surveillance system, to the master password that district IT used to access everything from HR files to grades to mechanical systems. This password literally let us access anything on any computer in the entire district.

And before you ask, yes, all buildings in the district were linked together, and no, they weren't firewalled off from each other. Now we never used our powers maliciously as we loved our school and we never would have done anything to harm anyone or damage any systems. One day I thought to myself, wow, information security in this district is atrocious. I wonder how easy it would be to test it from a student's perspective, then present my findings to the district IT guy. This would be the beginning of the biggest screw up of

my life. My mission started one day when I was task-to-graphic and peer from a classroom and bring it to the lab. Easy enough. I was given the IT guy set up master keys and sent off. While walking to the room, I dropped the key ring and it took me a minute to find the right key on the ring. When I found it, since I was looking a bit harder than usual at each key, I noticed something peculiar about the key he had used to open the doors inside the school. It was stamped DGM, and it looked different than the usual stamp on the master key for this one high school building. Since I hadn't seen this abbreviation before I thought, okay, this must be an important key since it works like a school master key, but it looks different.

I opened up the door to the empty classroom, fired up a locksmithing app on my phone, and took a digital impression of the key that gave me the bidding code so I could duplicate it later on. I grabbed the computer, went back to the lab, and gave the keys back. Curious about what the DGM stamped meant, I started googling on my phone. It came up with GM as Grand Master, the key above the Master Key. However, I couldn't find anything about DGM. I just thought, okay, this is just a Grand Master Key that opens all three buildings on the school property. No big deal. Those buildings were the main school, the theater, and the gym.

Okay, but what does the D in DGM stand for? Nothing in the school district starts with a D except district. Oh my god, it must mean district grandmaster. But they can't be stupid enough to make one key that opens doors in all 15 schools, right? I could home and order a key duplicate on the website they built the locksmithing app. A week later it shows up and I bring it to school. Before gym class, I tried it on one of the doors in the auxiliary gym and low-end behold, it worked! Great! Part one of my test plan was complete. Someone with this key could cause a lot of damage if they wanted to.

But how would they get past the alarm system in each building? Because it would be difficult to discreetly do a lot of damage if the building was full of people. Naturally, someone with ill intentions would carry out their act at night while the building alarms were armed. I already knew that the alarm system was controlled by key cards that every staff member in the district had. It was an antiquated system with flaws that were well known in the IT world.

Their cards only worked for the buildings they worked in. So the cards, electric doors and alarms must be controlled at the school level, not at the district admin office, right? So how is that going to get a hold of a key card long enough to scan and duplicate it onto a new card? That required a laptop and a special piece of equipment that I couldn't just bring to school while everyone was here. I thought, surely I can't access a security system and look up badge codes with the IT master password that I know. That defeats the whole purpose of this test, so where's the next vulnerability in this system?

Then I realized that there's a gate to the staff parking lot that's open with key cards, but not their district cards. They had separate cards for the gate. I scanned the entire network for this gate controller, but I couldn't find it anywhere. I thought, good job school district, leaving your gate system closed circuit. It's inconvenient to program, but definitely more secure. Fanduille Casinos' exclusive live dealer studio

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I've got a district master key, so when I find it, I can access it locally. I look at the gate itself, and I see a freshly paved line in the concrete leading from the gate motor to the auxiliary gym. Okay, it's somewhere in the auxiliary gym. I wait until Saturday during football practice. The gym is disarmed and the front door is open. Everyone's out on the field so no one will see me enter the building. Hey, there's a closet by the front door. I'll try that one first. There it f-ing is. The gate controller is mounted on the wall. I open up the panel and attach my laptop. Oh no, there's a password. What could it be? It can't be the

master password because it isn't connected to the network. I look at the circuit board and there's a label that says admin dash the name of our city. Unbelievably, that's the login. District IT people are paid 6 figures to come up with this stuff. Seriously? I access the swipe log, and I notice an interesting trend. Half the time someone swipes into the parking lot, there's an access to an aisle that immediately proceeds a valid gate card swipe. I thought they must be swiping their district cards first instead of their gate card.

Lucky for me, this system records batch numbers when access is denied. So I had access to several district key card codes protected by a password that's the name of our city. Wonderful. I sift through the logs and notice the names of three district janitors, all three with the preceding access denied messaging codes, followed by their valid gate cards. I remembered these people from my previous school, so their district cards must open multiple buildings. I took one of the codes and encoded it onto

a blank key card with a special piece of equipment that cost me 20 bucks on eBay. I walked right up to the front door and scanned the card. I heard a loud click, and the reader light turned green. Oh my god, I now have the district Grandmaster key and a key card that disarms every school alarm system in the district. Nothing is off limits to me. Part 2 complete. I called up my friend who someone knew what was going on, and once nighttime rolled around, we decided to visit almost every school in the district, just to see if it actually worked. And boy, did it. We easily swiped into each school, the alarm automatically disarmed, and the DGM key opened every door in every building that we visited. I found myself thinking, good

lord, security here is even more atrocious than I thought. We had the decency to rearm each building before we left, and once we were done, we planned on telling the IT guy on Monday when we went to class. Well, me being the moron that I am, I decided to try one more school the next day, Sunday morning. I swiped in, and within 10 seconds the middle school principal walked through the door and asked, who are you? I could have bolted out the front door, but I wanted to be honest because they were going to find out on Monday anyways. So I told him who I was and what I was doing.

He took me to his office and sat me down while he made a phone call. It was someone at the district office. All I heard him say was, I can't distinguish this from my own badge. It's a perfect copy, but it has his name and photo on it. He hangs up. He asked me more questions and it eventually leads to the DGM key. This especially panics him because he knew what it was but he didn't know anyone other than the district ops manager that had one. He makes another phone call. This is the

principal at the middle school. I need someone to come down here right now. I'm thinking, okay, someone from the district will be here to ask more questions. Cool. Boy was I wrong. Within a few minutes, about six police officers show up and start asking me questions. I'm honest, I tell my plan and what I did. They all look utterly confused by my short explanation. They took the key cards in district master key and asked me to call my parents to come pick me up. They searched my car and find pod in the trunk.

Whoops. So there's a charge right there. They said they'll notify us later once they talk to the district and I was released into my dad's custody. A few hours later, my mom gets a phone call from the vice principal saying that I'm not to attend school on Monday and we'll have a meeting that evening at the high school. Okay, understandable. I haven't been able to explain myself. They're just playing it safe. Whoops, wrong again. We arrive at the school for the meeting.

My IT teacher is sitting in the school office with a disappointed yet very proud look on his face, as we arrived we were called into the conference room. I expected it to be just the vice principal, but LMAO, no. It was the vice principal, two cops, and some random district official. My IT teacher was just there to translate the technical terms. I explained my whole plan, being interrupted many times by everyone to ask their own questions. At one point, the Vice Principal says, Jesus IT teacher, you're not supposed to be teaching this stuff.

The IT teacher says, Vice Principal, do you realize the amount of critical thinking and work that went into this project? Well, after he says this, there's a knock on the door. It's the school district's IT professional. What if the random district officials leaves and the IT lady enters and sits down in front of me? The vice principal says, OP, this is the IT lady, the district director of IT. She has some questions for you. Okay. She proceeds to tear into me asking, what did you break? What did you hack? I could literally see the veins popping out of her head. She was super pissed off. She just couldn't accept that a bored teenage kid

just wanted to see if this was possible and was able to compromise her systems in one week. At one point, the officers asked her to leave the room and take a break because she was getting so worked up. Fast forward to act for the meeting. The police took myself, my mom, the vice principal, and the IT teacher to my house and seized all of my electronic equipment. Everything from my cell phone to my laptop to my Wi-Fi adapter and everything in between. My favorite part was when they were searching my computer bag.

The police officer opened it, rummaged around for a bit, taking everything electronic out of it, then jitly and over-dramatically pulling a strand of condom wrappers out in front of everybody. My mom glared at me because she didn't know that I was passionately hugging at 17. And my mom's new boyfriend left the room immediately. The cop looked at the vice principal not sure what to do, and my IT teacher gently face pulped. The vice principal said, okay, let's move on.

They all left after seizing basically everything that I own. Fast forward to a few days later. I get a letter from the district saying that I've been suspended pending expulsion. Great. We attend the expulsion hearing. I say exactly what I said in the first meeting with the vice principal in the cops. I get another letter two weeks later. I am expelled.

We appeal to the school board and the district's lawyers. They don't want to hear any of it. Appeal denied. They're pressing full charges. Okay, I didn't know what the charges were, but they were pressing them. Cool, great. Two months later, I meet with County Juvenile. I, again, explained to them my story. They're just as confused as the district people, but my juvenile rep is taken in back by my calm demeanor and willingness to share all the details. By this point,

the district has done a thorough investigation and found no evidence that I stole or caused damage to property or their computer networks. They then inform me that I'm being charged with 9 counts of felony burglary 2. 3 counts of a Class A misdemeanor computer crime. 3 counts of Class A identity theft. One count of possession of a controlled substance on school grounds. I'm also ordered to not use any electric devices until I see the judge. This included something as simple as a TV remote. F me. I have a few more meetings with the county juvenile rep.

She was actually a very nice person, and she was surprised that I was assigned to her in the first place because she usually got the murderers and the rapists. She got to know me and my true intentions with the entire plan over the next month. Before my first hearing, she recommended the school district to not press charges. She felt that this could be remedied and district since while the crimes were committed, I wasn't aware of the crimes and there was obviously no bad intent. During the hearing, my juvenile rep and my awful court appointed lawyer explained my side and the district lawyer explained theirs. The judge was extremely confused by the whole situation, saying,

We've never seen a case like this before. At this point, I don't know how to proceed. The DA also looked equally as confused. The judge asked the district's lawyer, How do you want to proceed? The lawyer said, We'll take it under further review. Then the Judge said, OP, expect to call from your juvenile rep this week. A churned. Three days later, we receive a call from juvenile.

The District is pursuing all charges and wants $80,000 in restitution for a new District Security system. That's wonderful news. I live in a constant state of panic for the next three months while waiting for the next court date. I end up going to the district's alternate school while attending twice weekly meetings at juvenile. I went a few more times in front of the judge. My lawyer, my juvenile rep, and the district lawyers were doing all the talking, explaining the entire case to the judge. The district still insisted that I stolen damage district property, even though I never did, and they never found any evidence. About seven months into this, the

judge had enough. She didn't want to hear anything more and was going to issue my ruling at the next hearing. She explained that $80,000 in restitution was ludicrous, and the district was going to pay for their own security upgrades that they chose to. She then looked at me and asked me to rise. She said, I have three options here, Mr. OP. Option one, I dismiss all the charges and will be done here. Option two, I drop the marijuana charge, reduce all your charges to attempted misdemeanors and send you to one year bench probation.

Option three, I send you to jail right now. I almost lost it right there. Based on what I've heard from the juvenile rep and read in the police reports, I send you to jail right now. I almost lost it right there. Based on what I've heard from the juvenile rep and read in the police reports, I'd like to go with option 1 and dismiss all charges. But because of the sheer severity of the crimes on paper, I'm unable to do that. So I'm going with option 2. I hear by sentence you to one year of bench probation and order you to pay restitution in the amount of $3,200 for district staff over time. Good luck, Mr. Ropey. I don't remember what was said after that,

because I was so relieved I almost passed out. After three months of thinking that I was going to prison for 20 years, it was all over. I was numb for the rest of the day. All in all, the whole experience left me with severe depression and anxiety for a few years, but hey, at least I'm not in prison. Great, right? Actually, ended up better than I thought. I ended up graduating from the Alternate Schools Accelerated Graduation Program shortly after that.

The district wanted me out of there ASAP. I received a full diploma from my regular high school at the end of my junior year. I got to essentially skip most of my junior and all of my senior year at high school. I ended up working my butt off and got a great IT job at a company that I still work for today. And now I have IT director as my title. And that's how I really effed up by shaming my school district. Shove IT lady. And to prove that OP wasn't lying, he includes the actual documents the court served him when they charged him with these felonies. So yeah, this is completely legit. OP, I hope that once this was all said and done, you found that IT lady on LinkedIn and

send to her friend request. You know, just so she could see that you made it as an IT director. That was our slash today I effed up, and if you like this content, check out my Patreon where I publish extra episodes. Also, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.