rSlash - r/TIFU By Winning the Lottery

Episode Date: October 1, 2023

0:00 Intro 0:07 Powerball 2:10 Killed the mood 4:56 Overpaid 10:40 Nude beach 13:42 Comment story Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Today I F-Duff by sending my wife to check if a powerball ticket was a winner. I have a longstanding habit of buying a lottery ticket for a Powerball whenever it gets over 300 million. Overall, it's a very small amount of money per year and it's just a small investment in fun times from my point of view. Recently, the prize was slowly creeping up due to no winners multiple weeks in a row. It was over a billion dollars last week

and I bought a ticket like usual but I got too busy to take it in to check the numbers. Here's where I screwed up. I decided to give the ticket to my wife to check. Now she's a sweet lady who's never gambled anything, so she's not familiar with the process. I sent her to a local supermarket with a machine, explained how to scan the card and center on her merry way.

A little while later, I get a strange text basically saying, you better be sitting down and then a text saying something to the effect of, I'm never coming back to this story again! Later, I got the full story. She scanned the ticket correctly and the machine announced that she was a winner. She got a full screen graphic and giant words, the works. She freaked out at the prospect of becoming a billionaire attracting the attention of the entire store. After hyperventilating for

a minute or two, she saw the machine tell her to go to the checkout counter, so she walks out and finds out that she won two dollars. She was not aware that if you get one or more number in the right place, then you can win your money back. Anyways, after landing back on Earth abruptly, she left the store more to fight at her reaction to winning two dollars, and now we need to find somewhere else to shop. Lowl. Hey, Opie, look on the bright side. At least she contacted you. This woman legitimately thought that she was a billionaire, and her first response was to reach out to you in love and say we did it baby, we've made it, we got more money than we could possibly ever once,

and not to take the ticket, run off to our car, and drive off into the sunsets. So even though your wife was understandably embarrassed, the good news is that she's a keeper. Today I effed up getting to know a girl before trying to sleep with her. I'm a 28 year old guy, and the other night I was planning to hook up with a girl who's 25 who I recently met online. Her name is Winona. The two of us were on the same page about what we wanted from each other. Passionate hugging, nothing more, nothing less.

I showed up to her flat with pizza and condoms. We shared the pizza while getting to know each other a bit better. Not gonna lie, she was ticking all the boxes for me. Even though our agreement was passionate hugging only, I was low-key beginning to imagine myself potentially spending more time with her. At this point, Winona and I discussed what we did for a living. She said that she worked as a cosmetologist. As someone who not so long ago applied for a web design course to upgrade

my skillset, I asked Winona if she had a website to showcase her work. I was just curious. Winona said that all she had were before and after pictures of her clients on her phone. I literally almost choked on my pizza when Winona suddenly shoved her phone in my face and showed me the pictures. Her clients were dead people, deceased, departed, no longer among the living. Winona worked at a mortuary. I did my best not to show how uncomfortable I was because Winona seemed to have zero awareness of how weird it was to show these pictures to people without warning, especially in the middle of a meal.

What made it even more disturbing was the fact that Winona was in the before and after photos posing next to the dead bodies. In all the before photos, she looked like she was pretending to be sad. Whereas in every after photos, she looked like she had just been exposed to Joker Venom. It got worse though. One of her clients was her dead grandmother, whose after photo actually looked worse than her before photo. No offense to Winona, but her makeup made Granny look like Beetlejuice. I was unable to passionately hug Winona after the catalog of corpses. We tried, but I struggled to rise to the occasion.

I apologized and said that I was nervous because she was so hot or whatever. But the real reason behind my performance issues was the fact that I was seeing the faces of dead people in my head and sitting in the titties in front of my eyes. Winona was understanding. In fact, she thanked me for offering to design her website. I never offered to design anything, but the vibe between us was awkward enough, so I pretended to know what she was talking about before calling it a night and saying goodbye.

The following morning, Winona sent me a link with dozens of before and after photos of dead people to help me visualize the look of her non-existent website. Ugh. Well OP, I guess you could say that after she showed you her stiffs, you couldn't show her your stiff. Today I effed up by not realizing I was paying twice the price to wash my car. The gas station I go to has a car wash. The gas price is reduced by 10 cents a gallon if you buy a car wash with your gas purchase.

When you pay for the gas, a prompt pops up that asks, do you want to get a car wash today? And if you press yes, the gas price per gallon decreases. It's really simple and a great way to save a few bucks on gas. I've always wondered how the gas station ensured that people actually bought the car wash. Like, what was stopping someone from just clicking yes,

getting the cheaper gas and then leaving without buying a wash? Nonetheless, anytime I've wanted a car wash, I click yes, pump my discounted gas, then go to the car wash cashier and purchase a wash. Today, my friend was in the car with me when I went to go get gas. I also went to a car wash, so I clicked yes on the prompt and pumped the gas. Then I went to buy a car wash, but my friend stops me and asks me what I'm doing. When I told him I went to buy a car wash, he looks confused and says, you already did.

Turns out, when you pressed yes, the machine charges you for the car wash at the pump. You then just take your gas receipt to the car wash cashier and they won't charge you again for the wash. I've never noticed the car wash price was tacked onto the gas bill. I've been double paying to wash my car every month for 5 years. Each wash is $10, so that's $600 total. All the while, I thought that I was saving money. Today I effed up trying to spoil my wife. My wife and I recently got married and decided to honeymoon on one of the Greek Isles.

It's all been going swimmingly for the first couple of days, until night 3. I decided that we should venture out of the holiday resort where we were staying and go find somewhere new to eat and explore the local town a little more. This is something we do often whenever we go away. We came across a restaurant which looked incredible and had even better views with it being right on the beach. It was a little pricey, not out of our budget, but at least triple the price of what we normally pay based on the area. I told my wife

to ignore the cost. It's my treat. The food was good, and the expensive bottle of wine that cost almost as much of the food was sublime. After our meal, we chose to sit on the bean bags on the beach belonging to the restaurant and enjoy some cocktails in the night sky before we venture back to our hotel. The setting was stunning. Candles all over the beach and they even had lights in the water. It was so romantic and both of us were having a wonderful time. Nothing could prepare us for what was to come. We set off to walk back to our hotel,

and halfway back, I start to feel unwell. Now, we both suffer from irritable bowel syndrome, so I just thought that something had triggered me. It just gets worse. We were about five minutes from our hotel, and I'm walking like John Wayne, sweating profusely, holding it in, and grunting from the pain.

My wife, bless her, albeit laughing, was being very supportive. She even said that if I needed to go in a bush, I could. I opted against that because we were close to the hotel. We got back to our room and I stripped fully naked from my now damp clothes and hid straight for the bathroom. To say that I unleashed hell from above and below would be an understatement, then I get a knock at the door. It's my wife and she tells me to get out.

Turns out whatever made me so sick had come from her vegetarian meal. For the rest of the night, we'd take, we would take turns hopping on the toilet like musical chairs. We barely slept last night and it was rough. Here comes my neck screw up. The next morning we were getting ready to get out. Through my learned behavior whenever I need to fart I just let it rip. My wife and I are pretty good with potty humor. So I feel a fart brewing and before I could stop myself, I pooped the bed. I pooped the freaking bed on our honeymoon. My wife hailed with laughter as I went to go

to the shower to wash off my shame. It doesn't end there. My wife hid to the reception to ask if we can get our bedding changed and then she goes to get us both some medication. I'm just about dressed when I hear a knock at the door. It was the cleaners, and they just let themselves in. With the language barrier, I try to convey as much as possible for them to just hold on because I'm about to leave. I scoot out of the room as quickly as possible before they notice my shame all over the bed. While we're mostly recovered now, my shame will live on.

The part of this post that's so funny to me and why I was laughing in the middle of it is hold on, what was that line? What'd you say? We got back to our room and I stripped fully naked from my now damp clothes and headed straight for the bathroom because they're supposed to be on their honeymoon.

So I'm imagining them sitting by the beach, sitting by the beach, holding each other's hands, looking longingly into each other's eyes, and they look at each other and say, babe, I can't wait to get back to the hotel and rip my clothes off. And she's thinking, oh yeah, I'm about to get some action tonight. And he's thinking, so I can sit on the toilet

and poop my brains out. Instead of fantasizing about his wife, he's fantasizing about ripping off his sweaty clothes and having one of those fully nude sessions on the toilet where you're just sweating from head to toe and it makes the toilet seat all slippery. And it's so tragic because those are the poops where you need maximum traction

so you can stay firmly planted on the toilet seat. But no, the sweat makes it like a slip inside which makes it even more dangerous. Oh god, this is so funny. Metrolinks and crosslinks are reminding everyone to be careful as Eglinton Cross-Town LRT train testing is in progress. Please be alert, this trains can pass at any time on the tracks. Remember to follow all traffic signals. Be careful along our tracks, and only make left turns where it's safe to do so.

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So my family isn't very prudish. We didn't hang around nude or anything weird like that. It's just nudity wasn't condemned as some crime against humanity. So that meant that if somebody forgot their towel or didn't want to go inside with the wet bathing suit, it wasn't some embarrassing thing. We're really all still like this. My brother and I are in our late 20s for reference, so this isn't as strange as it sounds. Last week, my brother called me up and told me he was headed to Gunnison Beach, which is

clothing optional. He and his wife wanted to know if I was up for a trip. I figured what the hell on said sure, so last Saturday we took the drive. Now, keep in mind that I had never done this before. Neither had my brother. It was actually my sister-in-law's idea, but I figured with the way that we grew up, it'd be fine.

Well, wishful thinking, I guess. See, I'm very introverted in general, and I always hate public places. Just because I feel like everybody is both staring at me and actively hating me. We walk down to the beach, take a picture in front of the sign, and once we found our spot, we strip down. Now the fact that I was close to freaking out had nothing to do with my brother and sister in law.

They're just families, so I had no issues there. The issue was me. For one, I still had that I'm gonna get arrested anxiety that everyone apparently has their first time on top of my social anxiety. I swore people were glaring at me, that they thought that I was weird for going to a nude beach with family, even though how could they possibly know that? That they thought that I was ugly. My brother and his wife both saw that I was freaked out and got worried, but I just brushed it off and tried to force myself through it. In the end, I just covered up with a towel and coward for a few hours.

They did manage to get me to swim twice, which was awesome by the way, but I was clearly not having a good time. In the end, my sister-in-law forgot to put sunblock on her feet, and they were frying, so it was a good excuse to leave a bit early. The funniest part is that both of them absolutely loved it, and they talked. Now our parents and other brother want to come next year, and there's even some talk about what's... Talk about taking a family trip to a nude resort next July. I do actually want to give that a try, but clearly I need more practice first. Okay, so first off, Opie, I don't think you're compatible with a nude resort. I would think that this experience with a nude beach would have taught you that, but clearly

you haven't learned your lesson. Secondly, why on earth would anyone want to go to a nude resort with their family and their parents? Not to judge, if that's your jam, I guess, then that's fine with me, but why would you want to? I guess if you've grown up, like a nudist colony, then it's not a big deal, but if you're not used to seeing your family naked, okay, I for one, do not want to go a newtos colony with anyone in my family. Down in the comments we have a similar story from Parkie Dude. When I first moved to Germany my back was killing me. My doctor prescribed a massage and a sauna to relax.

It was a German company with a German doctor so I walked into a coed sauna. I stare at the floor. The massage worked out the knots in my back, and the sauna and salarium were okay. I kept thinking, no one knows me here, so when in Rome, after the steam room, you go out to the natural open room. You place your towel in a hook and take a walking path. As I head back to my towel, I hear, in English, hello Mr. OP, it was someone that I had been introduced to at work. No sooner did

I think that I could grab my talent escape, and immediately after his wife, teenage kids, and parents came out. Here I am, Buckass naked, steam still pouring off my body, shaking hands with a nude family. My anxiety went through the roof, but I survived. Today I effed up by causing a scene at work because someone ate half of my lunch. This happened a few days ago, but I'm still feeling the after effects. At our work, there's a lunch thief.

Our boss has not done a single thing about it despite the many complaints from multiple employees. So far, no one has any idea who the thief might be. People label their food and hope for the best. We've been warned about how using certain methods to try to catch that thief could potentially get us into legal trouble, so it's hard to catch them.

I, like many others, have had my food stolen a couple of times. It's annoying, but I grit my teeth and get on with it. Earlier this week, I packed myself a grilled cheese sandwich and a cupcake. I put a sticky note on it saying, Property of OP, please don't touch. I was already looking forward to my lunch while laying in bed the night before. My lunch break came, and I went to get my food in the fridge, only to find half my sandwich and the cupcake wrapper. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I just started bawling in front of everyone.

They gave me weird looks as I excused myself to the restroom. Now the other employees laugh about how dramatic and emotional I was over something so trivial. I've never been so embarrassed in my life. Opie, I hard disagree with you here. This is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's stupid that everyone's upset at you

and like mocking you because this is stupid. This is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's stupid that everyone's upset at you and like mocking you because this is stupid. This is making sense. Everyone has a right to their hard earned lunch. Of course you're gonna get upset that someone ate your cupcake. I'd get upset. If you want to cry, rage, punch people, burn the building down, I think you're completely just a bit OP. That was our slash today I f'd up and if you like this content be sure to follow just a bit OP. That was our Slash Today I FEDUP and if you like this content be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.