rSlash - r/Tifu I Messed Up My Interview By Talking About My Poop Knife

Episode Date: March 17, 2021

r/Tifu In today's story, OP is in a very important interview with his dream job -- a job at Reddit.com! The interviewer asks OP what sort of content he would share with viewers, and of course he mentions the legendary poop knife story. The interviewer has never heard of this post, so he's shocked and horrified. Does OP take a hint and stop talking about that gross story? NOPE! He just keeps rambling on and on about that infamous Reddit post. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Gamlin' Problem Call 18665312-2600, or visit connectcentario.ca. Welcome to R-Slash, a podcast where we the best post from across Reddit. Today's subreddit is R-Slash to the AIFD up, where OP goes in a job interview, and can't stop talking about poop. Today I FD up by misinterpreting the CEO's

arm gesture in a job interview and then locking arms with him as if we were best friends forever. This memory still makes me cringe and cry. I had an in-person job interview with the CEO despite COVID. I was super nervous as per usual, maybe even more than usual because I really wanted this job. I tried to calm myself down, but by the time the interviewer showed up, I could literally feel the heartbeat in my throat. The interviewer

was a 50-year-old guy and he walked down the stairs towards me in a nice suit but stopped halfway down. I figured the interview would take place upstairs so I got up to meet him. As I was walking up the stairs towards him, he put his arm out and his elbow out and my brain just sort of went, error. I suppose it could have meant two things, it could have meant A, please take my arm, a lady so I can escort you to the room as if we're strolling down the promenade together. Or B, please give me an elbow bump since we can't shake hands, which is really not an uncommon gesture at all in the Netherlands where I live. So what did I do?

Yeah, I went with option A and I eagerly locked arms with this strange man that I'd never met before in my life as if saying, yes, good sir, let's go for a stroll. And then we just stood there. Arm and arm halfway up the stairs, sheepishly staring at each other. I wanted the earth to swallow me whole. I just didn't know what to do next, and I don't think he'd fully understood what had happened, so neither of us moved. When he'd finally gathered his senses, he said, I meant to give you an elbow bump, after which I quickly put as much distance between this as I could and mumbled, right, right, yes, that makes much more sense.

Because it did, let's face it. And then we had the interview. And then OP posted an update. I got the job! Down in the comments, we have this reply from Kaira Sandy. Prospect number 17. Qualified and intelligent, but watches too much Bridgerton. Today I effed up by learning that my toddler made up their own way of swearing at me and

has been telling me to eff off for a while. I work at home and I've done this since my child was born. I like to work out to music, and there's one particular song that for some reason really helps me get in the mood to squat. It's a song that I played for some time without question until four months ago because it has a few swear words in it. My child has been listening to this song a lot more because they recently got into dancing to my music. I realized this when my child repeated some of the lyrics and I explained to them why sometimes there are words that we don't use and why, etc.

My child is very emotionally in tune and can express themselves very well. So after this conversation, they were very alert to any naughty words, so if they hear anyone swear, now they'll tell them that it's not okay. Let's fast forward to a few weeks ago. My child is now having a lot of big feelings that are resulting in big tantrums. Tantrums where they start lifting their fingers up and crossing them over in the shape of an X and then saying, off mommy, off. While shoving their little axe made of fingers in my direction, that confused me for a bit, I must admit.

Then came the realization. We sat down to eat dinner and I said the dreaded word that every toddler hates. No. That one word started something that let me know how intelligent my toddler really is. My toddler lifted their fingers, crossed them over, stared at me and said, X off mommy. I sat there for a minute while it dawned on me. I composed myself, and then I asked if X meant something else. My toddler silently nodded while staring at me.

I asked what it meant and I was met with. I can't tell you, it's a naughty word, mommy. This was all the confirmation that I needed, but I knew I still had to continue to address the issue. I asked if X was the same word from the song. My toddler broke out laughing, smiled at me and said, yes mommy. My toddler had been telling me to f off in her own very unique way during tantrums for a few weeks now, and I didn't have any idea until it dawned on me that ex had another meaning. Down in the comments, we have this story from Tehink Eckber.

Once, my then 2-3 year old yelled at me, you're a toly at the top of his lungs. He'd been watching Toy Story, and to him, that was the worst insult ever. I had to turn around so he wouldn't see me laugh. Today I have to, by talking about the poop knife story, non-stop during a job interview. So I had a job interview today with Reddit. I was on a video call with the hiring manager and just talking about normal things. I spoke about my work experience, how I handle clients, how I went about analyzing user trends

to create content strategies strategies all very professional. The hiring manager then asked me to put together a hypothetical content plan. What sort of great Reddit content could I show to users to best represent the website? He said to think back a month ago and consider what content redditors would be interested in. So, of course, I started talking about interesting and topical events. I mentioned how, in January, everyone was thinking about the upcoming inauguration, so I'd surface that as a news on a global scale. I'd also think of a bit more local and find interesting content from a user's country

or continent. And because current events can be so heavy, I'd include something light and fun. Like the poop knife. As soon as I said that, the hiring manager gave me this look-cross between disgust and confusion. He said, the poop knife? Yeah, you know, the poop knife. I said, while mimicking holding a knife and then doing a cutting motion. I don't think I know what the poop knife is, and it sounds like that's a good thing. Oh yeah, definitely. It's a pretty gross story. You'd think that we'd leave it at that, but no. I then went on to explain the poop knife story in detail for three minutes, complete with hand actions. It felt like I was having an out-of-body experience.

I could see myself word-bomiting and saying the words poop knife over and over. I was willing myself to stop talking about the frickin poop knife, but it was like my brain was locked into this one topic and I couldn't think of anything else. The entire time, the hiring manger's face got more and more horrified while I happily talked about users cutting up their gigantic poops. Finally, I came out of my days. I said, so anyway, recently, users found out there was another redditor who also had a poop knife.

Um, and everyone thought it was hilarious that two different people had the same poop knife idea, so something like that. And, and again, I did a limp cutting motion with my hands. I went on to talk about how I'd post inspirational content, funny content, cue content, and other content tailored to the user's interests. I thought I was. I thought that I was out of the woods, but my brain was still stuck on the poop knife. I said, and that's what I do. I chill content from a variety of sources, something global,

something local, and something funny. Like the poop knife. Again, I did the cutting motion. It was like I had no control over my body, and the spirit of the poop knife had decided to channel itself through me. I tried to move onto other topics, but the damage was done. The hiring manager still had this look of utter confusion, doubt, and disgust on his face. As we both said our goodbyes and tried to move past my awful stories. Needless to say, I did not get the job. Metrolinx and Crosslinx are reminding everyone to be careful, as Eglinton Crosstown LRT train testing is in progress. Please be alert, as trains can pass at

any time on the tracks. Remember to follow all traffic signals, be careful along our tracks and only make left turns where it's safe to do so. Be alert, be aware, and stay safe. So be alert, be aware, and stay safe. This episode is brought to you by LEGO Duplo. Take your toddler and their most exciting learning adventure yet, with LEGO Duplo sets of everyday life. From the excitement of the dream playground to the fun filled three-in-one treehouse, little ones can dive into a world of imagination and explore, learn, and grow along the way. Make clay time a memorable journey filled with wonder and discovery.

Lego Duplo sets! Every day life is their big adventure to learn and grow. Lego is a trademark of the Lego group. This legendary post was posted by U-slash learned but, my family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of ducky. Hahaha. If anyone's laid a megapoop, you know that sometimes it won't flush.

It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out, Hey, can you get me the poop knife?

I thought this was a standard gear. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to the age of 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was a local dealer and always had guests over because you can't buy weed without sitting on your butt and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out to my friends. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. My what? Your poop knife, I say.

I need to use it please. What the f is a poop knife? Obviously he must have one, I think, but maybe he calls it by a different name. A fecal cleaver, a dung divider, a guano glaive. I explain what it is and that I... I explain what it is and why I want it. He starts giggling. He starts giggling, then laughing.

Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives. It was just my screwed up family with our screwed up bells. F my life. I told this to my wife last night who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was, and she had been using the rusty old knife hanging the utility closet as a basic utility knife.

Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but she used it to open Amazon boxes. She'll be getting her own utility knife now. There you go. This is my gift to you. Now, next time you're sitting at a job interview, you can also tell stories about the poop knife. Today I effed up, and now I have to hide my leg from my husband for a week or more.

I'm a teacher, a kindergarten teacher, and I should know better. At the moment, I'm holding kindergarten classes on Zoom. I teach her my dining room table because it's the best space with the best light. Unfortunately, there's a big sliding glass door in my dining room and it's not one of those fancy double-paint insulating ones either. Oh, and I removed the curtains months ago because I wanted all that sweet, sweet sunlight to illuminate my sweet, sweet teaching. So, it's kind of cold. My feet are always freezing.

Last night I asked my dear husband to please bring in the space heater from the garage. I could put it in the dining room to warm my picky's during Zoom Kindergarten. Now, my dear husband is really a deer and I love him and he loves me. But, but! Sometimes he's a bit of a nag and a warrior. As a result, the space here lives in the garage because he hates it. He's always concerned that I'm gonna burn the house down or the cat will set herself on fire. Still, because he loves me, he brought it inside.

And because he's a warrior and a nag, he reminded me this morning to keep it three feet away from furniture, upholstery and the curtains. And for God's sake, be careful. And because I love him, I waited until he was out of the room before I rolled my eyes, tucked that bad boy under the table and fired it up. Now this hot beast cycles on and off. It was getting me nice and toasty while we were viewed rhyming words.

My feed stayed warm while we read the mitten and cut out animal pictures. It shut off for a bit while we were watching a video about Arctic animals, so by the time we finished, my tootsies were feeling the Arctic chill. I pulled the heater in just a little closer. The cat was into it too. I mean, I take full responsibility, but we were in this together. About halfway through another activity, I felt like my legs were maybe a wee bit too hot, so I tucked my feet back under the chair. A little while later, while the kids were all working, I got up to make myself some tea.

And of course I turned the heater off. I'm careful like that. Plus, the cat was sitting close to than she probably should have. But as I sat down with my cup of tea, I noticed a sting sensation just below my right knee. I pulled my pant leg up, and I was shook. I had angry red splotches on the front of my leg, and the beginnings of a blister. It was not pretty. And now that I look at it, it kind of hurts too.

Folks, be careful with your space heaters. It was three feet away from anything combustible except for me in the cat. The cat's fine, but me, I'm slightly flamethrower. And I am NOT telling my husband. He would be kind and sympathetic, and he might even resist the urge to say, I told you so, but he would never, never forget. So I'll be wearing knee high socks to bid for a while until this heals. I'm an idiot. Down in the comments, we have this contribution from Piontrotzky.

LOL, just tell him. The sexiest thing might X ever said to me in the 5 years we were together was, honey, you were right. Why go through all the hard work of deception when you can just spin this into a compliment? Today I effed up by googling my Tinder match. I match with this guy on Tinder back in November and we started talking. We hit it off, and after a few weeks of talking we made plans to go on a date. Before our date, I wanted to make sure this guy wasn't a serial killer or anything, so I googled his first name combined with some info about him that was on his profile. I found his LinkedIn

and scrolled through it. His headshot was not one of his Tinder pictures, but I thought it was a really good picture and he looked way more attractive than I originally thought. I thought to myself, this guy is way out of my league and got nervous a couple of times. I considered canceling our date, but whenever that happened I went to his LinkedIn, stared at his picture and thought, nah, I've definitely got a meet-up. I ended up going on that date, and I've been super happy I did, because we got along really well, and we've been dating exclusively ever since.

Here's where the screw-up comes in. Yesterday I was over at his house for dinner, and afterwards his little brother sent him his resume for a critique. He gives me a heads up that his brother is going to call about it, so I said it was no big deal and kept myself busy. While they're on the phone, my boyfriend asks his brother if he wants a critique on his LinkedIn profile as well. Let's say that my boyfriend's little brother's name is Steve. I glance over to the computer while this is happening, and to my horror I see the words Steve has viewed your profile on the screen. That was the moment that I realized.

I was signed into my LinkedIn on both my phone and my computer, which means that every time I stalked his profile before we met, he got a notification about it. Luckily he's never brought it up, and we're still dating, so I guess he didn't think much of it. But for a brief moment yesterday, I was absolutely MORTIFYED. I'm still cringing just thinking about it. That was our Slash Today I Epped Up, and if you like this content be sure to follow this podcast because I put on new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.