rSlash - r/TIFU My Cat Thought My 🍆 Was a Cat Toy!

Episode Date: October 3, 2021

r/TIFU In today's episode, OP was taking a shower and chose not to wrap a towel around his waste when he was finished. This turned out to be a terrible mistake, because his wife's new kitten is very curious and playful. So when the kitten so a new *dangly toy* attached to OP's waist, the cat pounced! OP felt SEARING PAIN as the kitten attacked a certain body that should definitely never be attacked by kittens. Ouch! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to R-slash, a podcast where I read the best post from across Reddit. Today's subreddit is R-slash today I F-Dup, where OP walks in on his female boss, naked, and spread-eagle. Today I F-Dup by showing up to work early and catching my boss in an awkward position that should be a today I F-Dup of her own. In my industry I'm paid purely by commission, so I don't have specific office hours that have to be followed. In order to hold myself accountable, I set an 830-5 office schedule that I typically adhere to. Sometimes I show up later than 830, but I never show up earlier.

My office is located in a suite that contains a communal area with three office doors on one side of the room. The first door that you pass when entering the building is my manager's office, and my office is the second door. The third office belongs to an older employee who works remotely so we can social distance. But today, I decided to show up to the office early. My boss's car wasn't here when I arrived, but I didn't think anything of it. I unlocked the door's usual and entered the building.

To my amazement, I was greeted by my butt naked manager, a 46-year-old woman sitting in her office chair with her leg spread wide, effing open, just rubbing her problems away. She just about had a seizure when she noticed me, and I reacted in a pretty strange way. I don't know how I remained so calm, but I simply continued onwards to my office after saying a quick, sorry, and sat down like nothing happens. Her office door has been closed ever since, and I have no idea what to do next. I'm actually writing this from outside the building because I was literally shaking in that cold building and I had to get out.

And now I realize that her car is parked back here. What do I do? Things are going to be so awkward and OP clarified that he's a 24 year old guy. Okay, so on the one hand, I can't really blame the boss for doing this because hey, that's just how some people start their days, right? Some people need their morning cup of coffee, other people need to fire off a warning shot before they go into work for the day. But still, doing it in the office is risky enough as it is. But why would you strip down completely naked and do it but naked in your office?

Why do it in your office? Why not go to the ladies room and at least then you've got the privacy of the stall or close your door like there's so many safeguards this girl could have put in place. If she had come to the office, kept her clothes on, you know, wore a nice work skirt and just hiked up her skirt and went to it while the door was closed and maybe locked, then she would have been pretty much safe

because obviously if the guy came in and he started opening the door, then she could just pull her skirt back down and she'd be all set. I mean, probably a little flustered, breathing a little heavy red face, sure, but it's a lot better than being completely butt naked in the middle of your own office on a workday. Also OP, I kind of have to wonder if this story is real because I've watched lots of videos online of a coworker walking into his other coworker's office and his coworker is completely

butt naked and in the middle of a carnal act and in none of those videos does the guy just say oh sorry and leave it usually ends very differently so are you sure this is what happened and finally OP posted an update after leaving work I drove back to the office and dropped a note through a mail slot that says I'm gonna work on the road today. Don't stress. You've got nothing to worry about on my end. Enjoy your weekends. And what's so funny about this is OP's like, don't worry.

Your secret is safe with me. Then he immediately goes out to the parking lot to post this on a Reddit where it gets 53,000 upboats and makes it to the front page of Reddit. But then a few days later, OP posted another update. I drove into work the next day, and my boss was waiting to talk to me, and it actually went really well. It started with me saying good morning, and I asked her if she had a good weekend. Her hands were covering her face, but she looked up, kind of laughed and said, yeah, I did.

After the embarrassment and stress passed, she then confirmed my suspicions about her just needing some alone time from her kids in busy home life. And also, she said that she never intended anyone to actually walk in on her, to which I responded, it's all good, I know you didn't mean anything by it. We were both laughing by the end of it. Then we went on to just briefly discuss some work stuff, and I'm back in my office. It seems everything's back to normal, and we're just both waiting to forget that it ever happened. Today I effed up by not wrapping up with a towel after

my shower. I just came home from work after a particularly hectic and busy day. Usually I'm a take a shower before a bed kind of guy, but after this particular shift, I decided the first thing I needed to do when I walked in the door was get the days grime off me. I quickly said hi to my wife and son, and then immediately jumped into a steaming hot shower. The aches and pains of the day just washed away. Temporarily. Now for a bit of backstory.

99% of the time, I could come home for lunch and eat a meal with my wife who works from home. However, today I had to work at a remote location so I wasn't able to come home for lunch. So once my wife heard the water turn off she came to the adjoining bedroom to talk to me since she didn't have a chance to talk to me all day. But something else you must know is that we have a 10 month old kitten. For lack of a better word, he's a bit of a demon. One moment he's snuggling you, and the next he's fighting you. He also adores my wife, and he follows her everywhere she goes. Cue my F up.

My wife comes into the bedroom and lays down in the bed to start chatting about her day. I get out of the shower, and I come out naked to talk to her, since I'm also eager to talk about my day. I get out of the shower and I come out naked to talk to her since I'm also eager to talk about my day. I figure no tell was needed. I can let my body air dry and cool off with the fan, especially since the day and shower were so hot. No big deal, I assumed. So there I was, leaning on the edge of the bed, naked, talking to my wife about her work. Little did I think about the fact that my very hot shower had made a certain anatomy piece of mine much more, danglier than normal. Nor did I think about the fact that a demon could be hiding under our bed. So I'm happily chatting with my wife a better day. When suddenly, my happy sack was knocked to the left with what I could only assume in the

moment was razor blades. The sudden shock of searing pain made me jump up and run faster than I thought possible. Apparently, the demon had decided that I had this new dangling toy between my legs, and for some sadistic reason, he decided that his claws were necessary to play with this new toy. For some sadistic reason, he decided that his claws were necessary to play with this new toy. Luckily, I survived the ordeal with just a scratch and a bit of blood loss, but I now live in fear of my new overlord.

He asserted his dominance, and he showed me that he can destroy me without any warning at any time. And he's not even a year old yet, so I have many years of dread in front of me. Opie, come on, man, you completely misunderstood the directions. You're supposed to neuter your cat, not let your cat neuter you. Today I have to, by finding a hidden message years later. Five years ago, there was a cute girl in my tennis club. She was very shy and would barely talk.

Her best friend kept telling me that she likes me, but I never believed her, and since the girl would always avoid talking to me, I didn't even bother making a move. We were at summer camp making origami. She then nervously came up to me, handed me an origami and said, here, I made this one for you. I didn't think much of it. Now five years later, I still have this origami on my night desk. I'm gonna move out in a few days.

I was packing my stuff up, and I saw the origami on the night shelf and I picked it up. I noticed a little writing on the inside of the origami, and I didn't want to spoil it, but I eventually opened it up. It was actually a little note. It said, I really like your freckles and your very kind. Here's my phone number. Now I feel really, really dumb. Not because I missed my chance, but because this whole time she must have thought that I was ignoring her. We still follow each other on Instagram, but I don't know if I should hit her up. I just want to punch my face into

the wall. I missed such a great opportunity, I should have just listened to her friend. By the way, I'm 22 now and I'm not quite sure how old she is, but I would say 20 or 21. And then OP posted an update. It's currently 11 o'clock, and I sent her a message on Instagram, and she replied, we chatted for a bit. And it was sort of awkward, and I explained her how I just found the message, but I thought that it was a nice gesture. Surprisingly, she was quite excited and happy, I didn't expect that.

She immediately asked me if I wanted to go get coffee today at around 5pm. Opie, you kept her origami for 5 years, that's so sweet. I genuinely hope that you guys like do the whole get married to have babies live a happy life together because this is like a fairy tale romcom ending. Today I F'd up by drugging a bartender and ruining a wedding. My wife and I went to our colleagues' wedding. I'm not a huge drinker and I didn't really know anyone, so my plan was to grab some sort of cold refreshing beverage, find somewhere to chill out, and nurse my drink while I got really stoned and did some people watching. Which leads me to my drugs.

On the way to the wedding, I stopped at a dispensary and picked up a reusable vape pin thing. I'm a pretty traditional smoker, I've never used a pin before, so I was just like, I'm going to a wedding, and I want something that won't make me sleep your mentally handicapped and the young woman at the counter handed me this pen. As my wife was driving us over, I tried the pen out. When I used this pen, it hit way too hard and I coughed like crazy and hated myself. So I took a really small hit. Notice that it hit really hard and thought, well that's because you think everything hits too hard.

So later on, I'm at the reception standing in line to grab some drinks from the bartender and I notice a tip-chart. Realizing I don't have any cash, I'm like, hey dude, do you have like Venmo or something? And he's like, ah, don't even worry about it man, it's no big deal. But I'm a service industry vet, so I wanted to find a way to tip him because I know it's gonna be a long night and a lot of people won't tip. So I'm like, alright man, well if my wife has some cash I'll come back over. But in the meantime, if you party and I show him my pen, he's like, oh for real hell yeah dude, and proceeds to take an enormous puff on this thing. Within seconds he was doubling over and coughing uncontrollably. It was incredibly loud, and in under a minute he was down on his hands and knees behind the bar puking in the grass, but still no harm no foul. That is until he tried to get

up and put all of his weight onto a tumbler glass that was sitting on the table, which cut his hand open so badly. And then something really strange happened. Something that's never happened before. I started vomiting at the sight of blood. So naturally this is pretty disruptive, and the groom, who just happened to be nearby, comes over to see what's going on, and the dude faints the second that he sees his guy's hand. The groom smashes his head on the bar on the way down, his face taking the tablecloth and

everything on the table down with him. This is a totally unmitigated disaster. Both the bartender and the groom had to go to the hospital and the bride was understandably super upset and screaming at the caterers. So I decided, well, it's been a good life, and I go over her to explain what happened when out of her mouth comes a series of very specific slurs directed at the owner of the catering company. I didn't get a single word out of my mouth before she said, effing sue me, turned on her heel and told her people to just round their

stuff up and go. CueA. major sh** storm. Everyone's fighting with everyone and almost all the guests left. I told my wife what happened on the drive home and she said that I should call the catering company and apologize, which I did. And the owner laughed for about 30 seconds on the phone before saying, well, whatever, F that beward. So yeah. Too long didn't read.

Don't smoke a lot of weed, get a bartender way too high, causing a chain reaction of vomiting and feigning that led to a racist outburst ending a wedding. Have you ever seen one of those YouTube videos of a Rube Goldberg machine where it's like, you push the marble, which rolls down the thing and knocks over a block and the block flips over a spoon and the spoon launches into a bowl and the bowl falls over which turns on a fan and the fan blows a feather and the feather knocks this thing over. It's like one of those things except instead of starting it with a marble it starts with OPs screwing up.

And what's even crazier is all of this could have been avoided if you just had like 3 bucks in your pocket. Alright, today I have to buy trying to redeem a... Let's call it banana licking coupon during an argument. My top dresser drawer is a catch-all for uncategorized miscellaneous that I've accumulated over the years. It's filled with the kinds of random things that seem like a good idea to keep, but you have no use whatsoever for in day to day life.

Like the track metal that I won in high school, or a guitar string replacement tool, or that naughty coupon booklet my wife bought me when we were still dating. You know, stuff like that. I was looking for something in there the other day, and I came across the booklets. It was untouched with all the coupons intact. When she gave it to me, I thought it was a cute gesture, but we were already doing all those things anyway, so I tucked it away and forgot about it. Fast forward 15 years.

Many of those married with kids, and the novelty that was lost on me in the past suddenly came into sharp focus. Mental bookmark. This can come in handy, especially on those days when the spice needs all the help it can get. One day my wife came home from work. I was upstairs, and I could just feel the negative energy rush into our house. The sound of her bad day could be heard in her footsteps.

Her heels were aggressively clacking across the floor. I could tell from the combination, sigh, growl, coming from downstairs that I was about to get the business for something I didn't even know that I did. I head downstairs, we say hi, and ask about each other's day. Her day sucked, and mine was great, which automatically made things worse. As predicted, she starts to unload big time. It's brutal and I'm just listening quietly. Certain there's nothing I can say or do to make it better. She notices that I'm not engaging and she asks what my deal is.

I pull out the coupon booklet that I'd slipped into my pocket during a hasty moment of questionable quick thinking and I flip to the banana-licking coupon. I ceremoniously fold the coupon along its perforations, tear it out, and hand it to my wife purposefully. Her confused and caught a little off guard, said, what is this? I point to the coupon. See, good for one banana-licking any time.

Her, Live it. Are you effing kidding me? No, it says any time. Her shocked face turned crimson. I double down and point out the line in the fine print that says, Drop your pants, I'll get on my knees and suck your d*** with a lickin' a squeeze. She goes nuclear. nuclear, errr. She snatches the booklet and tears it into smithereens.

I have never seen her so mad in my life. Achievement unlocked. There is a 100% chance that this may or may not end in divorce. Opie, after she ripped out the booklet you should have been like, so do you want to do this here or should we go to the bedroom first? Down in the comments, Kale Reed says, putting out a fire with gasoline, quick thanking my guy, and beneath that Phoenix the Phoenix says, Dude, my wife gave me a similar booklet, but three of the pages were a get out of an argument

free card. So I tucked them away and I saved them for some big fights. However, instead of ripping up the coupon, my wife accepted the coupon and stopped arguing. It actually highlighted some of the ridiculousness of the situation and it helped to avoid future arguments. It was like inadvertent couples therapy. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever used that banana licking coupon. It must be here somewhere. That was our slash today I effed up and if you like this content

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