rSlash - r/TIFU My Mom Got Me Ahegao for Christmas

Episode Date: January 31, 2025

0:00 Intro 0:06 Balls 2:34 Finished 6:01 Mario Kart 10:10 Itchy butt 11:50 Sleepy 13:56 Scavenger hunt 15:27 Mute Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I had just pulled an all-nighter to finish my paper and I was watching TV and browsing random junk on my phone to relax when I had a small itch on my testicles. I went downtown to Scrotum Town to give the crown jewels a scratch and in my unfocused state, I missed slightly and scratched down the back of that tube-like thing that's attached to your balls, which I later learned is called the epididymis. This made me flinch slightly as the sensation on my jubilees was completely unexpected. I didn't think about it though. I scratched the itch in the correct place and carried on watching TV. Within about half an hour though, my lack of sleep started to catch up on me, very suddenly,

and I felt myself drifting off to sleep at about 2pm. I woke up at 2.45 to a numbing, sort of dull ache on my left penny in my coin purse. I thought nothing of it and hoisted myself upright to drink water and then went back to sleep. I woke up a little later, completely keeled over in the fetal position with my arms between my legs. I don't remember waking up, but I was in this incredible pain, like I'd snapped a

muscle in my balls. I can't really describe it, but my left testicle felt different almost, like it had gotten lumpy, bigger, and soft. As I tried to right myself, sit up and adjust my pants, the pain struck all the way up my body and I vomited onto the carpet. At this point, I decided I needed to go to the hospital so I went to my phone and ordered an Uber there. In what ended up being the most excruciating pain I've ever felt, I laid on the floor

next to my vomit and waited an agonizing 10 minutes for the Uber to arrive. Once it did, I bit my tongue and dragged myself to the front door and into the back of the Uber. The Uber driver didn't really care as I groaned and clenched in the back of the car and sort of dumped me outside at the hospital. The next thing I remember was standing in line for the emergency room before trying to sit down.

I found out later that I'd actually collapsed. I woke up the next morning with one less testicle, a very scared mother, and a lesson in something called testicular torsion. So gentlemen of Reddit, please don't ignore your dull ball aches. Today I effed up by finishing before clothes even came off. I'm a 28 year old guy and I'm a kissless virgin. No handholding, no hugs that lasted longer than a couple of seconds. Nothing.

I've spent my entire adult life either too shy or too awkward to pursue anything resembling romance. Though I have been dating this absolutely stunning woman who's 26 for the past two months. She's sweet, funny and way too good for me. Like she's dating down into the earth's crust level of too good for me and I love her. I don't know why she would want me in the first place, but I definitely fumbled it now.

Last night we were at her place having what I thought was a casual movie night. But then the vibe shifted. She cuddled up to me and was laughing a little harder at my terrible jokes. And then it happened. She asked me if I wanted a kiss and I nodded. She leaned in and then we did it. My first ever kiss. My brain went into complete meltdown mode.

She kept kissing me and even got on my lap. After a minute or two of kissing like this, she stroked the back of my head and that did it for me. It was embarrassing. It was not subtle either. This wasn't some maybe she didn't notice situation. She probably felt it since she was straddling my lap. There was absolutely no hiding it.

She froze mid-kiss and I felt her kind of smile. She was probably about to laugh at me. I panicked. I stammered something incomprehensible, grabbed my jacket and bolted. I spent the rest of the night lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering why I was born. She actually texted me. Probably making fun of me or saying that she doesn't want to see me again.

I haven't opened it. I can't. I'm so effing humiliated. What am I supposed to say? Sorry I finished in my pants because I got overwhelmed by a kiss? I can't even think about it without wanting to disappear into a black hole. Hey OP, maybe that's what she wants is for you to disappear into her black hole. I've probably ruined everything, and she's probably laughing about this with her friends

now. Then OP posted an edit. Yeah, I was panicking for nothing. I opened the text and she was asking if I was okay, then said that she thought that it was kinda hot. I did apologize for storming off and we're good now. She also told me that I'll build more stamina with practice. Yeah, OP, I think you're overthinking this because yes, it is embarrassing, don't get

me wrong, but also it's like a supreme compliment. You know, it's way worse for the guy because I don't really need to explain, but for the girl it's like, wow, all I had to do was kiss him and he's that into me? I mean, I'm just kind of guessing I can't really get too much into the head of a woman here. It's just I feel like it'd be a compliment. If I were a woman and this happened to me, I'd be like, wow, okay, I just did that. Aren't I hot and sexy?

Also, OP, okay, you don't have a lot of experience. I understand that. Don't think this is criticism. I wanna give you some advice, man. The runway is clear, okay? These signals are a green light from her. You guys have been dating two months and you haven't kissed?

Yo, she's ready! She's giving you the signals, my friend! Today I F'd up by doing anything I want with my friend if I won games of Mario Kart against her. My friend and I would enjoy playing video games together, but on several occasions she would want to up the stakes and make things more interesting. Her proposal was that if she won a game of Mario Kart against me, she could do anything she wanted with me, and if I won, I could do anything I wanted

with her. Little did she know how good at Mario Kart I was. The first couple of victories were harmless enough. I'd win the race and I'd say things like, you've got to talk like Wario for the next race, or I get to borrow your DVDs, most of which was wildly amusing and diabolical for me to ask of her. But the thing about it is that I kept winning, and being the dope that I was, I thought that I was on a hot street getting all this free stuff from her, and I played it up like I was some kind of pompous court jester gallivanting across the courtyard. Every now and again, she'd put the same offer back on the table, and I'd keep winning,

and she would make her frustration known the more she kept losing races in Mario Kart. And it didn't help that I would brag about my victories within our circle of friends, celebrating with invisible trophies and spraying imaginary champagne. It wouldn't be until we were older and grown apart that she would disclose to me that she was a little upset by the whole thing, because she would practice playing Mario Kart for hours before racing against me in the hopes of winning. And the reason she wanted to win was because she found me to be handsome and didn't know how to initiate this attraction she had.

This whole time, she was hoping that I would ask for a kiss from her whenever I would win. But me being the moron I am was asking to borrow her Linkin Park albums and draw buff kittens with sleeve tattoos. So, not only did I miss my shot with my friend, I also broke her heart every time that I would clinch victory from her on the final lap, performing the miracle last second overtake maneuver or cackling like a cartoon villain whenever the spiky blue shell of doom would nuke her dreams. Today I effed up by green lighting a not safe for work gift to my husband from his mom.

My mother-in-law likes to get themed family gifts every year. Matching pajamas, matching lap desk for the couch, etc. A few years ago, she texted the group chat, which my husband never opens, that she was buying everyone a personalized couch pillow. The kind that hugs you and has pockets for a remote, a phone, etc. She sent the option she thought my husband and I would like and asked us to choose. They were tiny thumbnail pictures, but I did my best. My husband loves anime, so when she suggested the anime one for him, I said absolutely without looking closely at the pillow. Christmas day arrived, we open our pillows, and my husband goes silent. He mumbles, thank you, and takes the pillow straight to our bedroom. When we watched

movies later, my mother-in-law asked why he wasn't using his pillow. He babbled a bit about not wanting the dogs to get fur on it and changed the subject. That night when we went to bed, he showed me the pillow and said, look at the characters. What do you see? A happy anime girl? I replied cautiously. No babe, it's a hentai girl. That's a pillow covered in o-faces. Now I'm no internet noob, I know what hentai is, but I didn't catch that at all. In my shame, we never told my mother-in-law why the pillow stayed in the bedroom and left it at dog fur. This Christmas, however, it all came out.

Mother-in-law expressed her sadness that my husband didn't like his pillow because she never saw him using it. For some reason, he blurted out that he loved it, but it wasn't appropriate to use during family time. We had to explain the whole story. My very religious mother-in-law looked like she swallowed nails. And now she knows that she got her son an adult pillow and that I'm the one who told her to do it. Well, I guess you're not wrong, OP. It is a happy anime girl. A little too happy. Today I effed up by having an itchy butt for 11 months. I had a vasectomy in January of 2024.

A few days after the procedure, my butt started itching uncomfortably and unceasingly. At first I thought that it was a side effect of the procedure. Maybe I was reacting to the bandages. Maybe it was the non-stop sitting as I recovered. Or maybe I itched because I didn't shower for a few days post-operation. But I recovered and got back into my normal routine and the itching continued. I tried everything. I started showering twice daily.

I outfitted all my toilets with bidets. I even tried a few different types of creams and ointments. Nothing worked. I googled my symptoms and got a variety of results. Some sites suggested that I might have hemorrhoids, pinworms, or some other butt-related ailment. One helpful forum simply said, This happens when you turn 40. Your butt starts itching. You just have to deal with it. I resigned myself to having an itchy butt for the rest of my life.

Then, over the holidays, 11 months into my affliction, I was scratching my itchy unmentionables and I had a thought. When I had my vasectomy, I followed my doctor's instructions and wore some tight briefs for a few days. Those briefs became part of my laundry cycle and I wore them regularly. Looking at their tag, they were 20% spandex. Turns out, spandex is a pretty common allergy. I threw out the briefs and the itching stopped within a few days. I'm now itch-free and I'm never wearing spandex is a pretty common allergy. I threw out the briefs and the itching stopped within a few days.

I'm now itch-free and I'm never wearing spandex again. I was resigned to the idea that I was going to have an itchy butt for the rest of my life and now I can live a clear itch-free life again. Today I effed up by falling asleep in the bathtub. So I have the flu and a bunch of mini issues that come with that. Ear infection, nausea, headaches, etc. So for the first time in a very long time, I decided I was going to soak in a bath. I have like three bath bombs in the back of my bathroom cupboard I've had for maybe about

two years because I usually shower, not bathe, and I decided I wanted to use the glittery peach one. To my horror, and apparently my husband's as well, that peach glitter bath bomb is neither peach nor glittery, but the closest red that I've ever seen to blood. I'm soaking and I fall asleep. I must be a shallow breather. From when I was told, I was faced away from the door and the way my hair draped down made me look as though I was faced down from the door and the way my hair draped down made me look as though I was faced down in the water

I am a very very very heavy sleeper I have like 20 morning alarms to wake up and still tend to get up late So when my husband touched my leg in the bathtub, I didn't wake up nor did I hear him scream and Apparently my skin felt ice cold cream, and apparently my skin felt ice cold. My brother-in-law runs in and starts freaking out, then runs back out to find his phone and my husband tries to grab and hold me. I imagine this was very dramatic. And in that process, my head goes under the water for a second and I pop up because I

got water in my nose. I'm confused as to why my husband is crying and my brother-in-law runs back in, thanking God and my husband is trying to find where the blood was coming from. I am obviously terrified by having an audience since I am naked in this bathtub and as if it couldn't get any worse, I was asleep so long the bubbles were gone so I was just exposed. I yelled at them to get out and just stood up and showered. Definitely not a fan of this situation, so I'm going to stick to showers. I'm going to avoid my brother-in-law for the rest of my life. Also in the comments, OP posted a picture of the bathtub and yeah, it does actually

look like bloody bath water. Kind of imagine a pizza sauce red, I guess is the best comparison. Today I effed up by accidentally starting a city-wide scavenger hunt. So I work at a small indie bookstore, and we often get used books donated. Last week, I found this beautiful vintage copy of Treasure Island with really detailed illustrations. Inside was this yellowed piece of paper with what looked like an old-timey treasure map and some cryptic clues. I thought it'd be fun to post in our local city subreddit as a joke, saying I found this

mysterious map and wondering if anyone knew what it meant. The post blew up overnight. Like seriously blew up. Turns out the clues actually matched up with real locations around our city. Old buildings, historic landmarks, etc. What I thought was gibberish actually made sense to history buffs. People started forming teams and going on actual treasure hunts. Someone made a discord. Local news picked it up. There are now hundreds of people combing through the city following these clues. Here's the thing, there

is no treasure. The map was probably just some kids' school project from decades ago. I tried posting updates explaining this, but people think I'm trying to throw them off the trail. Some guy in a fedora came to the bookstore today and accused me of being part of a secret society. The mayor's office called, asking for permits on treasure hunting on public property. I'm getting DMs from people claiming they've solved parts of the puzzle and demanding to know the next steps. Someone started a GoFundMe to hire a professional cryptographer. Today I effed up by forgetting to mute myself during a virtual meeting and revealing my

deep-seated hatred for office buzzwords. I was in a virtual meeting with my boss and a few bigwigs from corporate. Everyone was tossing around phrases like, circle back, low-hanging fruit, synergy, and my personal favorite, make it pop. Little did I know, I was not muted. So while the rest of the team diligently nodded, I loudly muttered to my cat ironically, If I hear, let's pivot one more time, I'm gonna pivot straight into another dimension. My boss went quiet.

The big wig from corporate started chuckling. And I realized everyone had, in fact, heard my borderline meltdown. Everyone tried to play it off politely, but I'm pretty sure I just blacklisted myself from any future synergistic pivoting. Moral of the story? Always double check the mute button folks.